Princess Celestia Goes Back in Time to Save Robin Williams From Killing Himself (But Can You Really Change History?)

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Suicide / Self Harm, Princess Celestia, Dark
Length: 1832

You already know how this one ends...or DO you? A fanfic for "Princess Celestia saves Robin Williams from killing himself."

You already know how this one ends...or DO you?

A fanfic for the OTHER fanfic (which someone unpublished, idk) "Princess Celestia saves Robin Williams from killing himself."

(No warranty expressed or implied.)

Honestly, if you don't like VERY dark comedy, you should probably just go read this instead: https://www.lbda.org/blog/robin-williams-and-lewy-body-dementia-2/
It's informative!

Published 2023-01-07 04:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-07 04:40:00 UTC

Stitches in Time

After Princess Celestia raised the sun, she immediately turned around and went back indoors. She didn't pause to admire the sunrise's beauty, or listen to birdsong. She had more urgent things on her mind.

When Twilight Sparkle visited a human world, she'd brought Celestia an old VCR and a collection of videotapes. Now the Sun Princess wanted to rewatch yet another of her new favorite movies of all time. She plunked herself down in front of her combined all-in-one television-VCR (the one Twilight had found in a Dumpster) and pressed PLAY.

Celestia's sister, Luna, magically hit PAUSE, and stuck her head in front of the screen. "Celestia. You must control yourself. Or at least PACE yourself. Ponies used to say I was the antisocial, pathetically obsessed shut-in, but now...?" She shrugged.

"No!" Celestia shouted. "As a princess of Equestria and of Canterlot, it behooves me to be a patron of the arts and of all good things. And right now, these are the best movies I've ever seen. Robin Williams is a comedian who stands head and withers above all the rest. Just watch!" She pressed PLAY again.

On the screen, Robin Williams' character stood in front of a classroom, making the students listen to his opinions. "So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays."

Celestia fell over onto her side, and pounded the floor with one leg. "Isn't that HILARIOUS? He tells the little colts that using big, long words is better writing than using little words, and if they wear out thesauruses to overwrite hard enough, they'll get into mares' pants! And did I mention that all his movies are set in a ridiculous alternate universe where the creatures wear clothes practically all the time? Sometimes even while they're having--"

Luna stomped her hoof, hitting PAUSE again. "Enough! I don't want to hear yet more about some males' ridiculous obsession with the size of their...words. My point is, Equestria needs you! And you spend nearly every waking moment in front of a screen, enthralled by its dark magics!"

Celestia's head slumped down to rest against the floor. "Why CAN'T I take a few weeks off to admire and enjoy--"

"It's already been a month and a half!"

A few MONTHS. YOU went on vacation for a thousand years, you lazy mare."

"My years imprisoned in the moon weren't exactly MY choice!"

"But Equestria didn't fall apart. Ponies made do. So if YOU run things on your own for a few months, or maybe even longer...that should be fine. Really, you owe it to me, for MY hard work while YOU weren't here to help." Celestia snorted, rolling onto her back. "Now turn my movie back on, or I'll tell ponies you went all Darkness Nightmare again."

Robin Williams' character reappeared on the screen, giving his students yet more heartfelt but possibly unwise advice which would culminate in someone killing themself near the end of the movie.

***

"I've decided!" Princess Celestia said. "There's really no other choice. And THAT, Twilight, is why I've called you and Starlight Glimmer together for this meeting."

Those two ponies stared at Celestia. "WHAT meeting?" Starlight asked. "You barged into Twilight's home and started fixing pancakes. Not that I don't APPRECIATE the pancakes, especially the faces the blueberries make--"

"Mine don't have enough gems," Spike grumbled. "I like my own cooking better, but she wouldn't let me."

Starlight continued, "But I don't understand why you're here. I just thought you missed your little teacher's pet--I mean, your most faithful student."

Celestia smiled regally. "I can miss her AND request help from you both. And that is why I am here. I need to travel both back in time AND sideways to another universe." She lifted a videotape dramatically. "The universe from which this object came."

"Oh APPLES!" Twilight panicked. "Is that a rental tape? Is my video rental overdue? I don't want to owe late fees! That's almost like stealing from a library!"

"Have no fear!" Celestia said. "I can return your tapes for you...AFTER I buy a Robin Williams Complete Career Collection Box Set to bring home, of course. In fact, with your and Starlight's help, I can even return your rental tapes before you checked them out in the first place!"

Spike winced. "There's no way THAT plan could possibly go wrong."

"Shush, Spike," Twilight chided him. "Celestia is going to return my borrowed movies for me, and make me never have been a rental scofflaw in the first place."

"Yes!" Celestia grinned. "That was, of course, my plan all along!"

Twilight and Starlight gave each other The Look. In this case, it was The Look that meant, 'Celestia won't go away and stop bothering us until we do what she wants, so we might as well give in now."

***

In a stinky alley behind a building, a burst of light heralded the appearance of three magical unicorn-horse creatures.

"Here we are!" Twilight said happily. "The same alley where I found your video player, but..." She sniffed. "Several years earlier. In fact, there's the very same Dumpster I dug it out of."

"Yuck!" Starlight said. "You dug through THAT?"

"I used my magic, so I didn't have to touch anything! So it was perfectly fine! And afterwards, I had Spike clean it."

Celestia gave the overflowing Dumpster a doubtful look, but soon her mind returned to her very important mission. "Hush!" she ordered. "And use your invisibility spells. Our mission must remain SECRET...secret ENOUGH. Not to be revealed until--"

All three ponies seemed to disappear, as a metal door in the back of the building opened. A man walked through, tripping once before he caught himself.

"No," he said. "I can't remember my lines, I don't even know how to be funny anymore...I think my mind is going. I can't take it! If I'm not ME anymore, do I even have anything to live for?" He reached into his pocket for a pistol, which he pressed against the side of his head.

Celestia became visible. "Fear not, funny human artistic genius! I am here to cheer you on in your struggles."

The human stared at her. "Am I seeing what it looks like I'm seeing?"

Celestia smiled regally, with the poise and majesty that had impressed and intimidated diplomats and sovereigns from all across her world. "Yes, it is me, the foremost pony princess."

The human's eyebrows went through strange contortions. He sat down upon the doorway's steps. "Well, then," he said. "I suppose this PROVES it. My mind really IS gone. Just like I was saying."

Celestia blinked. "But if your mind is completely gone...how can you know that? I mean, how do you know you're even you? How do you know that thing you're holding is really a minotaur-style revolver?"

"'Minotaur style?'" The man moved the gun down from his temple, to look at it. "I had no idea. But I have to admit, if I'm going to have hallucinations and delusions...at least you're interesting to look at."

"And to listen to, I hope!" Celestia grinned. "Oh, I've always wanted to tell YOU a joke, ever since I first learned you exist a month and a half ago. Here, listen to this one. Why did the bear cross the road?"

The man smiled gently. "I don't know. Why?"

Celestia struggled to keep herself from laughing. "Because the bear was part of the bugbear that was using the zebra crossing illegally!" She slapped her side with her own hoof. "Isn't that hilarious? Get it? Part of the BUGbear? The ZEBRA crossing? ZEBRA? Because...I know some creatures might think this joke is in bad taste, but STILL..."

The man lifted the handgun back to his temple. He said sadly, "If that joke is the best my delusional mind can come up with, then I REALLY DO have no reason to live."

Two more ponies appeared in front of him. "WAIT!" Twilight screamed. "You CAN'T kill yourself! Not YET! Look at this printout!" She levitated a paper in front of him.

"Well...I'll be a Doctor Who walk-on." The man snorted. "This says it's a wikipedia article from the FUTURE."

"Yes!" Twilight pleaded. "You don't die until MONTHS from now. So you can't kill yourself yet. That would change the future, and mess everything up."

"Wait." Celestia said. "If it's so bad to change the future, what are we even here for?"

Twilight gestured with her wings. "I have a plan, but it's complicated. Rarity said she would help, and you know she can sew ANYTHING she puts her mind to. Literally ANYTHING."

***

Inside the Williams family home, three magical ponies and one body bag appeared. "Hello, Mrs. Williams!" the tallest, palest, most gleaming pony said. "We're here to make a delivery, and a pickup."

"Now I'M seeing the weird magical ponies too," a woman said. "I had no idea it was CONTAGIOUS."

"No, dear," Robin Williams said. "These are the ponies I told you about before. The ones that gave me the printouts from the future. The printouts that foretold I would lose the Grammys AGAIN. And the cure for Lewy body dementia, which was the horrible disease making me lose my mind."

"It was a lot of work to figure out that last one," Starlight said.

"But it was worth it," Twilight added. "Because it will make someone I care about so much so very happy."

"Aww!" Robin said. "You shouldn't have! Well...I take that back. You should have, but that's fine, because you already did it. And ever since I started taking your cure a few months ago...it really seems to be working. I'm so happy to be ME again."

"And another thing!" Celestia smiled proudly. "Our friend Rarity sewed a life size Robin Williams plushie, I used the unholy dark magic 'Pinocchio Spell' to bring the plushie to life, turn it into a 'real boy'...and then we hung Fake Robin by the neck and hit it like a pinata until it died! Nothing to it! So we leave THIS in REAL Robin's place, and now Real Robin doesn't have to commit suicide for REAL to keep from changing history and damaging the timestream and making Wikipedia wrong about something." She nudged the bag with one hoof. "Isn't it a delightful idea?"

"Um..." Robin watched as Celestia's magic ripped the bag open, and a perfectly realistic corpse spilled out. "That really is...I don't think I've ever seen my own dead body before."

Celestia asked, "So where should I hang this up? Do you think it would look nice over the fireplace?"

Author's Note

Sometimes I'll make fun of a wish fulfillment power fantasy, but OTHER TIMES...all I can do is sympathize.