Iron Will flings the fragile Capodimonte muscle cars around like they’re toys. Porcelain shatters as the mini muscle cars bounce off the walls. He grabs the Mustang and Superbird and smashes them into each other.
He picks up the white Cougar. “One of fifty? Ha! Better make that forty-nine!” He spikes the car onto the ground as he continues having a temper tantrum on live television.
Amazingly, the Capodimonte Cougar isn’t the only thing to spike. People start tuning into HSN as Iron Will’s rampage starts trending on social media.
HSN keeps the cameras rolling, even as no one is willing to venture into the line of fire to try to calm the half-bull in a china shop. It takes a few minutes, but he eventually stops seeing red and starts looking around at all the collateral damage.
“Uh, Iron Will apologizes for that show of immaturity. Iron Will isn’t normally like this. Please don’t fire me, Iron Will needs this job.” He grabs a broom and starts sweeping up the studio.
The camera feed cuts out and replays the entire show up until that point on a loop for the next three hours.
“Iron Will.”
The minotaur drops the broom as his boss enters what’s left of the studio. “I can explain!”
“There’s no need to apologize. It turns out that the kind of people who like muscle cars aren’t the kind of people who watch home shopping channels. But they are the kind of people who’ll tune in to watch a minotaur breaking things on live TV. Sales were dismal up until you lost control. Then ratings spiked, and so did sales. There’s absolutely a market here, and we’re going to tap it. We’ve already greenlighted having hockey figurines made up, and then we’ll have you sell those in a few months. From there we’ll go to football, boxing, auto racing, wrestling…”
Author's Note
Story notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1047061/story-notes-iron-porcelain
“Iron Will here.” The minotaur commands the audience, just as he always had in Equestria. Gone are the self-help seminars that had been criticized by the Elements of Harmony. Ponies tend to listen to Twilight Sparkle, or at least they started to after she’d ascended to princess. Gone, too, are the zeppelin tours. Ticking off most of the alicorn population in one fell swoop hadn’t been his smartest move.
So he finds himself on Earth, as far away from Equestria as he can get. Equestria is still sorting out diplomatic relations with all the countries of Earth. He’d briefly considered getting involved in politics, then decided against it, leaving that for con artists like Flim and Flam.
Instead, he finds himself right at home in front of the camera. “I’m here tonight to talk about HSN’s new Capodimonte Muscle Cars of 1970 collection. Specifically, I’m here to tell you, yes you, just why you can’t live without them.”
The camera pans along a counter, showcasing the set of eight porcelain automobiles. They’re in bright, bold, high-impact colors, arranged in a rainbow to show them off. First is a Rally Red Oldsmobile 442. Next is an Orbit Orange Pontiac GTO The Judge, followed by a Daytona Yellow Chevrolet Chevelle. The trio of GM muscle cars is followed by the sole AMC, a Big Bad Green AMX. A Petty Blue Road Runner Superbird, Grabber Blue Ford Mustang Boss 302, and Plum Crazy Dodge Challenger complete the rainbow, while a Panther Pink Dodge Charger rounds out the set.
“1970 was the zenith of the muscle car era. The biggest engines, the wildest colors, the craziest option packages. You could basically order a racecar right from the factory! But just a year later, in 1971, the writing was on the wall. Government regulations, environmental concerns, increasing insurance premiums… and then the oil crisis of 1973 was the final nail in the coffin.”
He shrugs. “It’s regrettable, but we wouldn’t look back so fondly at these cars if they’d never gone away. Thankfully, high performance cars eventually came back.”
The camera pans back to Iron Will, who delicately holds up a ninth car in the set. “But wait, there’s more! Order now, and we’ll even throw in the rare chase model, a porcelain-white Mercury Cougar Eliminator at no extra charge! This special model is limited to just fifty pieces. When they’re gone, color them gone for good! In a cloud of dust, just like any of these cars.”
Iron Will toots a bicycle horn. “Here’s a toot for Thistle Whistle, who just bought a set. I just love your name! Here, have another toot, just because I can! What made you purchase this set, Thistle?”
“Other ponies are collecting Matchbox cars, but that requires leaving my house to go shopping, and there are clouds out there.” She whistles. “I can collect these from the safety of my own home.”
“That’s great, Thistle! That’s what HSN is all about! Convenience! Looks like we have another caller.”
“Hi, my name is Bifröst, and I was at one of your self-help seminars back in Equestria.”
“That’s awesome, Bifröst. Hopefully Iron Will’s advice has served you well over the past few years.”
“Actually, it hasn’t. It’s been awful. Instead of becoming more assertive, I ended up becoming a big meanie to everypony around me and I alienated all of my friends. I had to come to Earth to make a new start for myself. I see you had to do the same. Zeppelin tours not doing so hot these days, hmn?”
“Iron Will doesn’t like what you’re implying, and when somepony…
Bifröst cuts him off. “Here’s a rhyme for you: I don’t like your tone, so I’m hanging up the phone.”
The dial tone sounds throughout the studio as the minotaur stands there fuming.
[CHOICE]What does Iron Will do?
She’s acting like a jerk, time to go berserk! (chaos)
When somepony makes you lose, it’s time to blow a fuse! (villain)
Iron Will flings the fragile Capodimonte muscle cars around like they’re toys. Porcelain shatters as the mini muscle cars bounce off the walls. He grabs the Mustang and Superbird from the display and smashes them into each other, repeatedly, until there’s nothing left but dust.
He picks up the white Cougar. “One of fifty? Ha! Better make that forty-nine!” He spikes the car onto the ground as he continues having a temper tantrum on live television.
HSN keeps the cameras rolling, even as no one is willing to venture into the line of fire to try to calm the half-bull in a china shop.
He picks up an entire tray of ten yellow Chevelles and tosses them into the air. The hapless cars rain down around him, and he’s so blind with rage that he doesn’t even feel the shards of porcelain as they hit him.
“Dodge Charger? I’ll show you a charge!” Iron Will bends at the waist and charges a case full of porcelain Chargers. The pink muscle cars explode into powder as they hit the ground.
Eventually, he realizes that he’s going to be fired for his outburst. That just makes him angrier. He storms off the set and people get out of his way as he makes a beeline for his car in the parking lot. It’s not a muscle car, but rather a Ford Taurus. Everyone gets out of his way as he rips the driver door off the hinges. He tosses it away, then gets into the car and drives off, the ‘door ajar’ chime blaring the whole way.
He mutters to himself while driving. “Fly into rage, time to turn another page. Hmn, I could start doing anger management seminars. Or maybe teach defensive driving…”
Author's Note
Story notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1047061/story-notes-iron-porcelain
