Celestia watched over Scootaloo's shoulder as Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle departed. Sisters leading the way, their forms gradually disappeared into the eventide horizon. Celestia brought her head low to the filly and spoke.
"Child, you are expecting somepony to accompany your return to Ponyville, are you not?"
Scootaloo's answer came uncertainly. "Yeah. Rainbow Dash was supposed to pick me up with everypony else, but I don't see her anywhere."
Celestia pondered. "Hm. I'm certain it's nothing to fret over, but I could look for her if you'd like."
Scootaloo bobbed her head rapidly, and Celestia returned it with a single, placent nod. Turning away from the filly, she gestured to her guards and then Scootaloo.
"Guards, see that this young lady is protected on my leave," then, to Scootaloo, "I will not be long."
Though Celestia knew not much about Twilight's friends, she could expect with certainty the rainbow one would arrive by feather over hoof. Once in the open she spread her great wings and took to the skies, scanning the horizons for any notion of her whereabouts. She found none, nor others; this was not unusual, pegasi generally shied from late night flying for safety reasons.
Intermediately she waited for the mare's arrival, and reflected. She realized a part of her didn't wish for Scootaloo's departure, not so soon at least. It was exceptionally rare she had the opportunity to care for young ones. She'd been eager to allow Miss Cheerilee to bring her class for a field trip, and when Scootaloo and her friends - the 'Cutie Mark Crusaders' they called themselves - begged their sisters to stay longer, Celestia leapt at the chance.
True to the public perception of her as the nation's kind of mother figure, Princess Celestia adored caring for others, young ones in particular. It reminded her of when Luna and her were fillies, and she the older sister responsible for her littler sibling's behavior. Many times she opined for those simpler days, but for a long while now Luna had been as grown as she was.
"Oof!"
The wind was knocked from her lungs. Something had struck her from the side and sent her hurtling to the ground, but she quickly realigned herself. As she caught her breath and swiveled about to see who or what had impacted her, she heard a familiar voice.
"Oops, sorry Princess!"
With nervous laughter, Rainbow Dash flew down to meet her.
"Didn't see ya there. Got caught up with some stuff and came here as fast as I could. Which, uh, as you can probably tell, is pretty fast. Not that I'm bragging or anything!"
'Indeed, never bragging,' she thought mirthfully.
"It's all right. I've endured far worse in my time. Come, Scootaloo is waiting for you."
When Celestia returned alongside Rainbow, Scootaloo's expression brightened. She bounced on her hooves excitedly, and tossed the two a wave.
"Sup squirt?" said Rainbow, and ruffled the filly's mane into an unkempt mess. But, where Scootaloo expected her to offer up her back, Rainbow continued. "Had some tryouts come up, so I won't be able to take you home tonight, and your aunts won't be able to come for a few days either. Was thinkin' the Princess could keep you a bit longer 'til I got the time."
Scootaloo pouted, cast her gaze downwards. "Oh. Okay."
"Aw c'mon, kid. You get to hang out with the oldest living relic in the whole world! Who wouldn't kill for a chance like that?"
Celestia frowned, raised an eyebrow Rainbow's direction.
"I-I mean, the uh, most experienced mare in Equestria, hahaha! Ha. Ha. Ha... I'm not saying you're old!"
Rainbow gulped, and Celestia, after snorting, burst into a fit of lady-like giggles. Scootaloo followed on the joke, and eventually Rainbow too joined in, though more nervously.
"i'll take good care of her," Celestia assured. "There are many things in the castle that should keep her busy."
"Awwww," Scootaloo whined. "I can't go Canterlotting?"
"Canterlotting. Hm, is that what they call it these days... No, however. I'm afraid not, not unless I can find a pony to escort you. The city is safe of course, but I'd rather not take the risk."
Scootaloo stuck out her bottom lip, but nodded reluctantly. As Celestia observed, Rainbow crouched to Scootaloo's ear and whispered words unheard. Whatever she had said, it changed the filly's disappointment to a queer grin.
"Welp, see ya later then. Hopefully tomorrow!"
"Hopefully without crashing into me this time," Celestia said, winking, and crimson flush rose to Rainbow's cheeks.
Scootaloo gawked at her. "wait, did you seriously-"
"Welp, gotta go! See you lateeeeeeer!"
Before Scootaloo could finish assessing the truth of Celestia's accusations, Rainbow was dashing madly away. She hadn't bothered to finish her sentence before she was gone, words becoming harder and harder to make out as she disappeared like a twinkle into the dusk horizon. Celestia watched her departure with a half smile, amused, then returned her attention to her charge.
"So then," Celestia said. "I'll see to it you eat well tonight. Perhaps, now that it's just you and I,"
Softly smiling, Celestia leaned down to Scootaloo's level. "Perhaps I'll permit you a drink of wine. My cabinets are stocked with only the finest vintage liquors in Equestria. Just a sip though, and no telling!" Abruptly she rose, and beckoned with an unfurling wing. "But in the meantime, let us head off to sup."
Scootaloo nodded and her eyes glinted with mischief - mischief that Celestia took to mean excitement at the prospect of trying alcohol. Her assumption was partially correct.
The trot to the banquet hall was not a long one, but it was not short either. Along the way she'd stop to chat briefly with ponies she knew well, but generally tried to keep pace with the hunger of a growing foal. She smiled reminiscently, remembering how she and her sister would become so cranky and churlish when they didn't receive their food on time. As she did, she felt a tickle upon her flank and flicked at it with her tail. Just an itch, it would appear.
Peculiar, Celestia began to note, how the guards and attendants would glance her way and chuckle amongst themselves. She wondered what it was they found so funny, but when she turned her head their direction they'd suddenly stand straight and salute as if nothing were amiss.
'Oh well,' she thought. 'Let them have their fun, whatever it may be.'
Later that night, after being filled with a generous meal prepared by the masterful hooves of Celestia's chefs, Scootaloo lay in bed. Gazing up at the darkened ceiling, she took in the size of the room. It was massive for any one foal or grown pony for that matter, and stocked to the rafters with the sort of amenities a mare like Rarity could die for.
She wouldn't admit it for the sake of her own ego, but without her friends it felt lonely, too large for just her. The accompaniment of her friends and classmates had been a reassuring presence, and made the whole place not feel so big and intimidating.
If nothing else, she would at least be entertained for a while thanks to Rainbow's pranking idea. Which, when she thought about it...
A lightbulb went off above Scootaloo's head.
"Hey, get outta here! What did I tell you about doing that?"
Squawking, Scootaloo slapped her hoof against the lightbulb and sent it crashing to the floor. That stupid thing seemed to really enjoy interrupting her when she was about to have an idea. Now she had to recollect herself and figure out where she had been. So, where was she?
Oh right!
A light bulb went off inside Scootaloo's head. Mark her words, because this was going to be her best plan for getting her cutie mark yet.
It wasn't until Celestia went to bed that she finally noticed the sticky note taped to her butt. It crumpled against her fur when she'd sat onto the cover, to which she'd plucked the paper off with her magic and floated it before her so she could read.
'Sun Sized', it read, and she scowled lightly. The talk over how she had a larger than average flank was not an uncommon one, and it was a 'joke' she didn't much appreciate. She'd never personally been one for mocking others' appearances.
She shrugged, scrunched the offending paper into a tight ball, and tossed it in the fireplace. Ultimately, she supposed, if it gave the ponies under her some sense of levity she could tolerate it.
The following morning, upon her wake, she'd forgotten entirely the joke and the prankster who'd played it on her. She had a busy schedule to work through today, and in her mind the best way to start off a day such as that was to freshen up in the morning.
Her shower went without trouble, and she then went to Scootaloo's room to alert her for breakfast. But, oddly, when she knocked upon the filly's door she received no answer. When she peeked inside after announcing her presence, she saw the girl wasn't present at all.
Strange, she mused, but she figured she'd find her somewhere. And she did, once she made her way to the dining hall. Apparently, Scootaloo had beaten her there.
"Good morning to you," Celestia greeted. "I was wondering why you weren't in your chambers."
Scootaloo beamed. If Celestia didn't know any better, she swore it seemed like she was trying to hold something back. "Morning, Princess! Yeah, I was really hungry, so I came early."
Celestia nodded, and politely took her place opposite the girl. Breakfast had already been whipped up for her, but not yet for Celestia. The chefs waited typically for her to give her explicit request unless ordered otherwise.
When Celestia seated herself, however, she startled as a sound ripped from the seat.
'Pllllrrbbbppttt!'
Celestia's features contorted. She sat up immediately, looked down to the chair, and there saw a whoopie cushion. Behind her, she could hear Scootaloo's barely contained snicker.
"Now just what is going on here?" she mumbled to herself. "Such foalish games. Ah well, nothing of it."
She plucked the toy off her seat and teleported it back to her chambers for later disposal. First the note, now this - it would appear she had a dedicated jester in her midst.
Afterwards, breakfast went well. She ordered huevos rancheros topped with a bed of hashbrowns and fried onion straws crisped to perfection, all smothered in the chunkiest and spiciest hay chili they could prepare. The meal was altogether perhaps a tad decadent, and she felt that maybe the previous evening prankster's gambit had a point about keeping her weight in check, but she loved the sensation of delicious food too much to restrain herself. Besides, she reasoned, she was an alicorn. A little extra padding could hardly hurt, right?
The rest of the day was mostly uneventful - dry court hearings over which she presided, mind-numbing conversations with diplomats or dukes and duchesses over the minute wording of a single line from a single throwaway passage, the usual for her. The one thing she did look forward to that afternoon was the grand opening of a new exhibition hall, where the ponies of Equestria could gather and plan showings of everything from art to music or alchemical creation.
But, when she went to use her pair of royal, state-issued scissors, the ribbon remained intact.
Strange, Celestia thought, but not all too unusual. The same had happened to her before. She just needed to try again.
"Not to worry, my subjects! I'm certain these scissors will see to co-operate with their Princess," she joked, smiling. A quiet, amused laughter passed through the crowd - the only kind of laughter capable among the elite of society.
Snip.
Celestia grimaced.
Snip.
Snip.
Snip snip snip snip.
Frustrated, Celestia's face hardened into angry determination.
Snipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnipsnip.
Nothing.
With a groan of exasperation she could scarcely keep hidden, she passed the issue - and the scissors - off to the gathered ponies. From somewhere deeper in the crowd she heard a filly's guffaw, one that sounded similar but that she couldn't quite pinpoint, and from there the laughter spread amongst everypony else like a wave. She tried to maintain her composure and cleared her throat, slicing the ribbon in two with her magic instead.
"I present to you Canterlot's most recent contribution to the fine works of this great nation!" she proclaimed. But, even in her Royal Canterlot Voice, she could barely be heard above the din of laughter.
After that little incident, Celestia was glad to be back in the palace and out of the public eye. It would be weeks, maybe months, before the tabloids and street chat stopped talking about it. Now though, here in her own domain, she could unwind a little.
Dinner came soon, and she was eager to dine. Scootaloo sat across from her as before, and Luna alongside, towards the end of the table. The three were engaged in small conversation over nothing in particular when the food arrived, and Celestia was surprised. She hadn't given any explicit orders for tonight's meal. She supposed the chefs must have had something in mind they wanted her to try.
Each meal was different. Scootaloo had a chickpea burger with spicy barbecue sauce and fried pickles. Luna a roasted tomato bisque with a sort of margarita pizza styled grilled cheese, and Celestia one of her favorite meals of all time: cottage pie.
Humming in anticipation, she closed her eyes and forked a piece off with her magic. She levitated the forkful up, into her mouth, and awaited the savory goodness of potatoes and hay beef.
She nearly gagged on her own fork.
The taste was wrong. Eyes wide, she stared down at her plate, and past the pie saw what looked like...
"Cake?"
Yes, right there - where she'd removed a piece from the greater whole. Rather than more potato layer and pie filling behind, it looked like the inside of a strawberry cake with vanilla frosting. Inspecting it further, she scooped up the potato mash and tried that on its own.
Frosting, same with the filling. When she actually got past the fact the whole thing was just a big piece of cake she could enjoy it, but that initial expectation and utterly unexpected surprise had shaken her.
"What great fun!" Luna exclaimed, clapping her silver-clad hooves together. "Whoever played this upon you must be of great mind and greater humor. Dear sister, you should feel honored."
"Yes," Celestia replied stiffly, smiling like cardboard. "Honored."
In her mind, she relived that afternoon, that morning, last night. She'd been able to tolerate it at first, but she was at her wit's end. The next strike that came, she was going to hit back.
Scootaloo hopped off her high chair once Celestia announced her departure for the evening. Grinning, she skipped over to Luna and prodded her shoulder with a forehoof.
"Luna, Luna, Luna!"
The princess quirked her head. "Yes, little Scoots?" she asked.
Grinning wider, Scootaloo leaned up and whispered for Luna's ears only. "I was the one who did the cake prank. And the scissors, and I mean... basically everything else. I'm trying to get my prankster's cutie mark."
"Oh!" Luna exclaimed. For a momentary flicker, the nightly mare thought to alert her sister, then thought better of it. In fact, she thought of a much better idea.
"Dear Scootaloo," she purred. "I have a proposition for you..."
From first crack of dawn, Celestia was on the warpath. She would find this hooligan and bring them to justice. For her that meant only a stern reprimand, but heavens help her if she couldn't put the fear of divinity into a mare.
Oddly, she could find neither high nor low the filly named Scootaloo, neither in her room nor at breakfast. More strangely however was the lack of pranks throughout the rest of the day.
'What gives?' she wondered. Yesterday had been a cavalcade of japes and jokes, but today there was nary a peep. Nor was there, she noted, any sign of the foal she was in charge of. She asked around naturally, but nopony knew where she'd gone off to.
Hours passed, as did lunchtime, and nothing. Soon enough it was time for her scheduled parliament session of the week, held in the same grand room used for Day Court. She walked through the doors to find herself the only one present, and went to take her place at the back wall, behind her speaking podium.
Just to be certain, she glanced behind her at the seat, eyeing it with supreme suspicion. Nothing rest on the cushion, so she removed it with her magic and discovered...
nothing there either. She breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Maybe, just maybe, the prankster had had their fill, or decided it was not conducive to one's well-being to toy with their head of state.
Either way, she sat upon her haunches and folded her front hooves to wait. Attendants trickled in little by little as the session drew closer, steadily filling the high-seated rows lining the left and right walls. When near to everyone was present she pounded her gavel and announced session was in order.
'Now where oh where is my assistant?' she questioned, and slyly paged said mare in the lulls between talking. But, right when she was ready to send it out, her beloved secretary arrived.
"my sincerest apologies," Raven said, bowing and crossing herself profusely. "I'm not sure what happened, but I couldn't find the coffee pot anywhere. Then I just... did, and it had some already freshly brewed, so I brought that."
"I see," said Celestia. Skeptically, she took the non-offensive looking cup of joe and sniffed. "Well then, all seems in order to me. Thank you, Raven."
"Of course, your Majesty. Just let me know if you need anything else!" Raven said, bowing again.
When Celestia took her sip, she did so daintily. She suspected the disappearance of the coffee pot had something to do with the mystery joker. But, the dark brew appeared and smelled all regular to her. A cursory magical examination revealed the same. A pony would need to be a very powerful caster to hide a spell or potion from her, and certainly a child like Scootaloo could never accomplish such a feat, for she'd begun to suspect her the machinator behind all these recent troubles.
Then, she felt something. She'd already drunk half the cup, and sensed it too late.
Beneath her, Celestia felt her body being pushed up. More padding was gathering under her, like the cushion was gradually expanding. But no - when she looked down, she saw it wasn't the cushion.
It was her rump.
Celestia shrieked and the coffee cup dropped, splashing its contents across marble and carpet. Seething, she stood and imposed herself over the room.
In her Royal Canterlot Voice she boomed, gesturing to the cup and her bloated flanks. They'd grown massively in only a few seconds, leaving her haunches a cartoonish pair of bouncing balloons - sun-sized indeed.
"Who hast dare violate Our body in this grotesqueity?! Reveal thyself, nave, and We shalt showest thou the white fury of the Sun!"
The room went silent, then burst into raucous cheer. Each solar-hot word she spat, any intimidation factor she possessed was quashed utterly by the way her backside jiggled about behind her. But there, off to the side, she saw two very specific ponies giggling to themselves.
"You," she mouthed, but dared not announce. They would get their punishment sooner or later.
For the time being, she called the session to disperse and reassemble the next day. Then, in the courtyard, she brought out a tool she hadn't used in a very, very long time.
Later during dinner, she acted as if everything were normal, like she didn't suspect a thing about either of them. Upon finishing her meal she tidied up, dabbed at her lips with napkin, folded it, and left her dishes neatly stacked for the servants to collect. She continued holding conversation, but interjected once Luna finished her own supper.
"Luna, there were some important matters I wished to speak with you of before tomorrow. Would you kindly accompany me outside?"
"Of course, sister." Luna agreed, and shoved away from the table. She pushed her chair back in, and when passing Scootaloo gave her a quick hair ruffle and knowing wink. Scootaloo returned it, and Celestia did not fail to notice the passing gesture.
The second Luna stepped out the banquet hall and closed the doors, Celestia teleported the both of them somewhere quiet and secluded in the castle. She couldn't risk Luna trying to escape.
"I know," Celestia stated simply, leveling a stern glare her sister's way that could melt steel beams, a fact which couldn't be said about jet fuel.
Luna inquired warily, not fully understanding. "You know?"
"Yes I know," she repeated harshly. "Don't play dumb with me, Luna. I know about your little game with Scootaloo."
The realization solidified rapidly onto the Princess of the Night's features. Her eyes widened, and began darting left and right to seek an escape route. None existed, but just to make sure Celestia erected a glowing golden wall on either side. If Luna wanted to get through those, she'd need to put up her magical dukes.
"I-I am... afraid I don't fully comprehend what it is you're implying of me, Tia. I have done nothing with dear little Scootaloo besides converse!"
"Is that so? And what would you have to say about this?" Celestia demanded, popping the coffee cup from earlier into existence. She threw it against the floor at Luna's hooves, which slowly rolled until it bounced off her regalia with a metallic 'dink'.
Confusion, realization, recognition, and finally comprehension dawned on Luna's face, flashing rapidly from one to the other.
"You can tell me, Lulu. I'm not too angry. Just... mostly angry."
Celestia cooed, sidling up alongside her younger sibling, When Celestia wanted to she could leverage her superior height and power to its fullest, and she did so now. With her chin upturned, chest held high and stature straight, and a smug expression of condescension on her snout she came across as positively imperious. To soothe Luna's worries, she laid a wing atop her, wrapping it around her side and rubbing gently.
"We're sisters. Tell me what you want, and I'll give it to you. All you need to do is admit what you did."
Scootaloo was left alone in the dining room for an uncomfortably long wait before Celestia returned. Luna, however, was nowhere in sight. She was too busy playing on her brand sparkling new HayStation 5, of which maybe three or so existed on the entirety of Faust's green Equus, at least those which weren't in the possession of scalpers.
More importantly, she'd squealed on the baby chick - and that chick was about to get roasted.
"Scootaloo," Celestia said in her softest, kindest voice. There's something special I'd like you to see. Could you be a dear and follow me please?"
Scootaloo nodded, and was led out into the courtyard. In the center beneath the dusky sky was what looked to be some sort of cannon, It was ornate, white with gold trim, amethyst inlaid, blotched with shapes that looked like lunar craters.
"This is the only remaining cannon from a war in Equestria's past, lost to history," Celestia lectured. Every last word she spoke was a blatant lie. "It's no longer functional, so don't worry about your safety. I would never harm a child. Would you like to see it up close?"
Scootaloo nodded, cocking her head this way and that to look at the massive thing from every angle. Compared to it she was tiny, even next to Celestia it towered above almost twice as high. Whatever ammunition could be loaded into this, Scootaloo reasoned, would be the size of a boulder.
Somewhere, far out in Equestria, Tom burst into cold sweats.
"May I touch it?" asked Scootaloo.
Celestia bowed her head in a half-nod, granting her permission. "You may. It's been enchanted so that no handling will marr its features. Astounding, is it not? That mere magic can sustain a relic from before my own time into the present. Of course, spells like that need upkeep to continue functioning, but regardless it is a marvel. Can you feel it, the weight of thousands of years of witnessed history?"
"I can," Scootaloo said, amazed, as she traced the gold trim's contours with her hoof.
Celestia would never tell her she was the one who made the cannon in the first place, only a touch over a thousand years ago at that. Still impressive, no doubt, but nowhere near the ancient antiquity she made it out to be. Whatever got her to buy the scam, Celestia didn't much care. Nopony called her butt fat, especially not some bratty foal.
Celestia pushed further, coming in behind Scootaloo to nudge her with a wing. Gently, the filly was guided more to the cannon's front.
"Would you like to take a closer look, young one?"
They stood before the cannon now, partly aimed up. It was just low enough to the ground a younger pony could climb into it. Subtly, Celestia again brushed her feathers against Scootaloo's back, implicitly urging her forward.
Surprisingly, Scootaloo fell for the bait. For a pony able to pull the wool over her eyes multiple times in the span of a few days, those smarts suddenly didn't seem to matter. It seemed almost too convenient, but then again - children were rather stupid.
She watched the filly clamber up into the barrel, using the momentum she could generate from her wings to create extra boost. Once she was securely inside, Celestia paced behind the cannon and prepared to send this particularly annoying chicken flying.
From deeper inside, Celestia heard Scootaloo shout, "It's really dark in here!"
Celestia just smiled.
"Oh yes, but don't worry," she said. "It will be much brighter where you're going."
"What do you mean, Princess?"
Scootaloo got her answer when Celestia lit the fuse. Before it sent the orange-purple filly hurtling towards the moon, she offered her one last comment.
"This is for calling me fat."
And thus, amidst the boom of the cannon and surprised scream of Scootaloo gradually tapering off into the horizon, Celestia cackled.
Scootaloo landed on the surface of the moon with a heavy 'thumpf', displacing dust all around her. Equestria made up a swirly blue and green marble far away, and all the rest surrounding her was empty black punctuated by the occasional twinkling of stars. As she processed the punishment she'd been given, reflecting on how stupid it'd been to do what she'd done...
'Flash!'
She looked down, overjoyed momentarily at having finally gotten her cutie mark. The whole point of this venture had been to get it, and although she now faced indeterminate imprisonment on the surface of the moon, she'd achieved her goals. Eagerly, she looked down to her flank and there saw...
...a rubber chicken, hanging limply, with a brush-marked red 'X' across it.
"Seriously!?"
She shrugged. At least Celestia hadn't fired her into the sun.
For the next day or so, Scootaloo traversed the lunar plane dully. There wasn't a whole lot to see beyond barren whitish-gray landscape, and the whole bouncy house gravity charm wore off quickly. The rest of her time she spent moving rocks around, peeking under them to make sure there weren't any spooky moon rock crab spiders, and exploring craters. She did try looking at the sun at one point, but after having a dark spot burned into her vision she realized that might not have been the greatest idea she'd ever had.
Fortunately, her sentence was not a thousand year one. All told, she was on the moon for about a day before she was unceremoniously teleported from there back to Equestria.
Her eyes widened as Celestia stood before her, looming regally above. Her expression bore that of a stern motherly figure, silent and disappointed. She said not a word, as though waiting for Scootaloo to first break the silence.
Scootaloo bowed and apologized, "I'm sorry, Princess."
"You should be. Mocking your elders for things which they cannot help is not a very kind thing to do."
She said this, of course, knowing that she could absolutely slim down if she only cut back on the calories. She wasn't going to tell Scootaloo that though. What was she, stupid?
"Besides," she laughed. "I believe your new cutie mark is punishment enough."
"Oh. Yeah. That..."
On second thought, maybe Scootaloo would have preferred she'd been fired into the sun.
But before she could mull over that for very long, the cutie mark disappeared from her flanks. Celestia grinned like a madmare and leaned close, whispering to Scootaloo.
"Pranked ya."
Author's Note
This story was commissioned by X. If you'd like to receive a story of your own, see here for more details!
This was a story commissioned by the wandering commenter. If you'd like to receive a story of your own, see here for more details!
