It's a windy day. The breeze carries with it a hint of springtime essence; the smell of blooming flowers, accompanied by the faint notes of a bird's melodious song in the distance.
It's a peaceful day, you think.
The sun isn't too hot this time today. A few clouds would pass overhead, casting much-needed shade over you and the unicorn next to you.
Starlight's gaze is fixed upon her kite as it flutters in the breeze, performing loop-de-loops overhead as guided by her horn. Her eyes are focused intently on the diamond-shaped object in the sky, but she isn't tense at all. In fact, her shoulders relax slightly as the kite hovers steady in the breeze, held aloft by none other than the winds it would pick up at its current altitude.
It was a peaceful day.
"Watch your kite!" Starlight points out.
You return your attention to your own kite, which was currently spiralling out of control without your guidance. You hastily seize control of the situation, reeling it in before things got more out of hand.
That was close.
"Are you feeling alright, Anon?" Starlight asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine! Just got lost in thought for a moment."
The unicorn surveys you intently. It feels like you're being scanned by an x-ray.
"Alright then."
She turns her attention back to her own kite, still eyeing you out of the corner of her eye.
Part of you feels amused at Starlight's concern for you.
"Hey, I'm fine, Glim." You chuckle. "Just thinking about tonight."
She smiles. "Date night?"
"Mhmm." You nod.
Starlight looks back and forth from you to your kites.
"So this doesn't count?" She giggles.
"Nah, this? This is just two friends hanging out. Nothing romantic about this at all." You tease, eyeing Starlight expectantly.
She doesn't react.
"Surely you haven't forgotten about a while ago, haven't you?" Starlight says casually, a smirk beginning to form on her muzzle.
You can feel your face turn red.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." You deadpan, trying to keep up the charade as much as possible.
Starlight's smirk grows wider. "Oh, please, Anon. Don't pretend like we weren't all over each other just an hour ago."
"Okay, okay, you got me." You concede, the memory replaying in your mind. "So that did happen, huh?"
"What, you've got amnesia now?" She chuckles.
"It just felt like a dream. For all I know, I could've imagined the whole thing." You shrug.
Starlight gives you a look that's hard to read. Her horn glows as she begins to reel in her kite, her eyes not leaving your face for one second.
As she finishes fiddling with the spool of thread, you can feel a tug on your collar that brings you to be on eye-level with the mare. Her horn glows, keeping you in place.
"In that case, how about I refresh your memory, hm?" She raises an eyebrow at you, giggling playfully. "How does that sound?"
"I wouldn't mind one bit." You play along, leaning forward just as Starlight does the same.
Wrong. All wrong.
What results next is a rather half-hearted kiss, with you attempting to pull back at the last second and with Starlight noticing.
"Anon, what's wrong?" Starlight blurts out the moment the kiss breaks, concern evident in her tone. "Are you okay?"
You can't speak. It couldn't be happening right now, not again.
"Anonymous?"
You smile, brushing aside a few errant hairs that had fallen across Starlight's face.
"I'm sorry, Starlight. It's just… I'm still not used to us being this intimate with each other. I'm still adjusting."
Starlight seems to ponder your words, staring deeply into your soul as she does.
Please believe me.
Starlight begins to smile, slowly at first. Before breaking into a full grin that dispels all signs of worry from her face.
"Well, you better get used to it, Anon. Because now, you're stuck with me." She gives you a peck on the lips, taking you by surprise. "Whether you like it or not."
You return the smile, tucking your kite underneath your arm. "Wanna head back?"
Starlight nods. "Sure. I'm starving."
"I know a place in Ponyville, how does that sound?" You offer.
"Sounds great! Let's go."
…
"Thanks for dinner, Anon. That carbonara was amazing!"
The two of you exit a cozy-looking cafe, walking down the sidewalk as night begins to fall upon the town.
"You should've let me pay the bill, Glim…" You mumble shyly. "This is the third time you've paid for dinner."
"Oh, don't worry about it. It's fine!" Starlight winks at you. "My treat."
You smile painfully. "Gosh, Starlight. Thank you…"
Pathetic.
You stop, stunned. Starlight doesn't notice, continuing forward while talking about…well, something. You weren't paying attention anymore.
Freeloader.
You swallow, shaking your head once as you attempt to catch up with Starlight.
"...and that's why the school's cafeteria had to be renovated. Repairs, you know." Starlight turns to you, her countenance falling as she beholds yours. "Anon…you don't look too good."
You panic, attempting to regain your composure in front of the lovely unicorn.
"I-I'm fine, Glim. Really."
"You sure? You look pale." Her tone carries unmistakable worry.
You shrug. "I'm just a bit cold…that's all. I should've brought a hoodie."
Starlight doesn't look convinced. Suddenly, she brightens up before walking over to your side, pressing herself against you.
"We can walk like this if you're feeling cold. I don't mind." She smiles, snuggling into you. "Would you like that?"
Her gesture shocks you, enough to make you forget about…whatever had happened. You beam at her, placing an arm around her withers.
"Thank you, Starlight."
The two of you make your way down the street, huddled close together as the chill evening air settles upon the little town. Ponies pass by you, some waving in warm greeting and others attempting to avoid your eyes. You didn't blame them.
"The town is really beautiful at night…" Starlight mutters, taking in the pretty sight. "I hardly get out of the castle after nightfall. I've been missing so much."
You smile at the mare. "I mean, sure, it's a pretty view, but it's not as pretty as the view I get to look at right now." You grin.
Your words cause Starlight to blush, her cheeks turning a faint shade of pink. "Oh, stop, you." She chuckles. "Where'd you read that, '101 Ways on How to Woo a Mare'?"
"Yup. Gotta return that one to Twilight eventually."
The two of you share a laugh, all worry forgotten. You continue to make your way down the street, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells that the town had to offer.
Eventually, a happy-looking couple passes by you two. A stallion and a mare. They're laughing about something, very clearly in love with one another.
Your gaze lingers on them for a while. You wonder.
You glance at the reflection of you and Starlight on a window of a shop. There's Starlight, looking as picture-perfect as she always did, unruffled and elegant as always. Then there was…you. Some humanoid thing that other ponies would be more than glad to flee from. To be afraid of. You can feel your heart sink.
She's better off without you.
You cringe, wanting more than anything to shut out the thoughts that plague your mind. You didn't want her to see you like this.
It's too late. Starlight noticed your pained expression quicker than you could hide it.
"Anonymous. Please talk to me." She says firmly, looking you dead in the eye.
You sigh.
"I…I'm not feeling too good, Glim. I'm sorry."
Her expression changes into one of sympathy. "Wanna head back to the castle? Maybe you should rest."
"I think so too…" You mumble. "Should we go now?"
"Yes. As soon as possible." Starlight nods, horn glowing before erupting in a flash of light.
…
It’s midnight. You can’t sleep.
This way and that way you tossed and turned, and yet sleep wouldn't come.
Every time you felt like slipping off into blissful unconsciousness, one stray thought was all it took to keep you anchored to the waking realm, where things were no better.
But why?
Why did things have to go so wrong, when everything was finally going right for once?
Deep down, you knew there was nothing really wrong. Everything was turning out far better than you anticipated, with the mare of your dreams reciprocating your feelings of undying devotion and affection and all. Why did your insecurities have to be the strongest when you were at your summit?
Maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe something was wrong. Maybe you had overlooked some minuscule detail, some unaddressed issue that was preventing your happiness. What if the life you led now wasn’t as pristine and perfect as you had initially thought? What if your life with Starlight was built on nothing but half-truths and fragile promises?
And most terrifyingly, what if she left you?
What then?
You’re hopeless.
You were no good, and you knew it. Even back on Earth, the life you led could hardly be called a life at all. Monumental screw-ups littered the timeline of your existence there, and more often than not you found the world to be frequently conspiring against you, always finding ways to drag you down, to break your spirit. What if that same karma had followed you to this world, where you finally felt like you had been building something worthwhile?
Hopeless and alone.
And just like that, the faintest spark of hope within you was snuffed.
You couldn't go on like this anymore. Not when the voices in your head never seemed to leave you alone.
You just wanted it to end.
The mare sleeping next to you snores suddenly, startling you out of your wits. Your gaze lingers upon her sleeping form for a moment, taking in all her features in the sparse moonlight. She was so beautiful, and so peaceful.
You didn't want to ruin that for her.
She's better off without you in your life.
You clamber out of bed, slowly so as not to wake Starlight. You make your way out of the room as you feel your way down the darkened staircase.
Just end it.
You make your way to the kitchen, where you knew the cutlery were being kept.
Just end it.
You reach instinctively for the drawer where you knew the knives were, and without a moment's hesitation you pull out a silver knife, gleaming dangerously in the faint moonlight.
Just end it.
But…you couldn't. Your hand trembles as you fiddle with the handle, caught up in the sudden indecision of what you were about to do.
Just end it.
Maybe things would get better! Maybe, just maybe—
Just end it.
But… Starlight—
JUST END IT.
You wince, a single tear rolling down your cheek. The knife's blade is sharp against your skin, burning hot as it makes a deep gash in your wrist.
The moment the blood is drawn, you're mesmerized. All pain aside, you couldn't help but find the slow trickle of blood as it flows down your wrist oddly satisfying.
You deserve this and you know it.
You lift the knife again, ready to make another gash just above the first.
Just end i—
"ANONYMOUS, NO!!"
You jump. Behind you, Starlight emits a hair-raising screech, and before you know it the knife is knocked out of your hands by her magic.
"ANONYMOUS, WHY IN CELESTIA'S NAME—GIVE ME YOUR HAND!"
You oblige, suddenly feeling numb.
Starlight surveys your wrist with worry and concern etched on her face. Slowly, she looks up at you, tears forming in her eyes.
"Anon…why?" Her voice cracks with despair. "... Why?"
You wanted to scream. Shout. Anything to break the awful silence, anything to console your beloved Starlight. But no words came.
Instead, tears begin to form in your eyes as you watch Starlight's heart crumble into a million pieces right before your eyes. It's gut-wrenching.
You break down sobbing, dropping onto your knees as despair finally overwhelmed you. Starlight rushes to your side, holding you close as your tears began to cascade down your front, wetting your shirt as well as Starlight's coat.
"W-We need to patch you up. Now." Starlight's horn glows, and in a flash of light a first-aid kit appears next to you.
The next few minutes are spent in silence as Starlight cleans your wounds, the silence occasionally being broken by a sniffle or two. The silence seems to drag on forever, but soon Starlight relinquishes her hold upon your arm, which was now stitched up and treated with extra love and care.
Not that you deserved that, anyway.
Tears sting at your eyes as you attempt to hold them back, and she notices.
"Anon, if you feel like crying, please do. Please. Just let it all out. When you're ready, we can…we can talk." Starlight's voice is shaky. "Please take as much time as you need."
The two of you sit in silence in the darkened kitchen. No words are spoken, only your quiet sobbing could be heard. Sooner or later, you knew you had to speak.
"Starlight?"
"Yes, Anon, what is it?" She says tentatively.
You pause.
"Do you love me?" You mumble, feeling completely lost.
"Oh Anon…" Starlight wraps you in a tight hug. "My sweet Anonymous, I do. I DO love you, and I always will. Whoever told you otherwise?
You pause. "Me."
Starlight seems taken aback.
"W-What?"
"It's me, Starlight. I'm the problem." You choke. "I cause nothing but pain and misery wherever I go, and this thing we have, it's special. I don't want to end up hurting you, Starlight… you mean too much to me for that to happen." You choke between sobs. "I just…wanted it all to end. It would've been quick, and then maybe it would hurt less for you and everypony else—"
"Anon, you ARE hurting me. Right at this very second." Starlight's voice trembles. "Why would you think such things? You are my world, Anon. My one and only. How could you ever doubt that?"
"The voices don't stop. They never do." You shiver. "I just want them to stop, Starlight. I just want it to all end."
"And it will, Anon. It WILL end. But not like this. NEVER like this." By now, Starlight's tone is desperate, pleading.
"Then how, Starlight?" You plead. "How? How can I find peace?"
"One day at a time." She says in hushed tones, tears spilling down her front. "One day, one minute, one second at a time. You will heal, Anon. And I will be there for you every step of the way."
You stay silent.
"But please, Anon. I need you alive here with me." Her voice begins to quake. "I want us to be able to see good days together. And they will come. Good days will come for the both of us, Anon. Maybe now, it's hard to remember that they do exist at all. Maybe you feel like you won't ever be happy again. But we are, Anon. We will be happy again. I swear by Celestia's Sun, we will be."
Starlight tightens her grip around you.
"But not just the good days. Please let me hold you on days when you can't see the light, when smiling is the hardest thing to do in the world. Please let me be there for you when you feel like no one cares, because I do, Anon. I care about you more than you know, and more than you ever will."
She pauses, drawing one shaky breath.
"Please don't leave me."
You tighten your grip around Starlight in earnest longing. You don't want to let go.
"I don't wanna die, Starlight." You blurt out, your vision obscured with tears. "I don't want to disappear. I just… I just—"
"...You want to be okay." Starlight nods. "I know, Anon. It's what I want too. More than anything."
The two of you hold the embrace, no more words being spoken. What mattered the most right now was that you were safe in her hooves. You weren't going anywhere, and neither was she.
You've got each other.
Author's Note
To anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide and self-harm, this one goes out to all of you.
Please seek help from friends and family you can trust, and remember that you are never alone in your struggles. There is always hope.
