I was back in the battlefields of Valhalla, training with the greatest warriors and generals of all time. Right now, I am sharpening my shotgunning skills. "Take that Washington!"

Blam!

"Eat lead, Einstien!"

Blam!

"Show's over, Shakespeare!"

Whack I hit William with the butt of my AA12 and went looking for more victims.

After bringing down three Union Cavalrymen with a grenade slug, the battle was over, and it was time to feast. When I made it to the table where my Kin sat, I was brought in for a hug by my mother. "There's my big wolf pup!"

"Mom... you're embarrassing me," I told her after a few of the nearby warriors snickered.

"Good. I have a lot to catch up on." Mom pinched my cheek before sitting down with the rest of the family. "So, how are my grandchildren?"

I chuckled before grabbing a horn of mead and joining them. "They're doing great. Orion moved in with his girlfriend, Jack's applying for a job in law enforcement, Scootaloo is doing really well in both school and her swords, and our little one is due within a few weeks," I told my family before taking a swig.

"Sounds like you're doing a good job as a father," My grandpa from the American Revolution said between bites of his chicken.

"I do my best," I shrugged before digging into my Sheppards pie. After getting my fill, I got up from the table. "Well, this was fun. I'll see you all next month." My family waved me off as I made my way outside. As I passed the table that sat the Third Crusade, I bumped into the palest of the gods. "Ah, Heimdall. I didn't see you there."

"Funny, I saw you," He retorted, making us both laugh.

"Hah, that never gets old. So, what do I owe the honor of the keeper of the Bifrost wanting my attention?" I asked the far-seeing god.

"Cutting to the quick. I respect that." Heimdall reached behind his belt and pulled out a horn. "The Allfather wanted me to give you this as a gift."

"A horn?" I took the horn and examined it, admiring the craftsmanship. "It's very nice. What does it do?"

"In times of peril, simply blow the horn, and your blood will be summoned to fight alongside you for a short time." Heimdall patted my shoulder before returning to the bridge. "I'll tell Mimir that you came by."

Nodding toward the retreating god, I opened a portal home.

Once I got home, I was greeted by a mass of fur and slobber that I call my dog. "Daww, Hercules!" I bent down and he started licking my face while I petted him and scratched behind his ears. "You keep a good eye on the place while I was away?"

Herc let out a few barks before heading back to the house with me following. When I made it inside the house, Celestia was lying on the couch, rubbing her belly while watching Cake Wars. When she saw me enter the room, she levitated me over to her. "Hello, honey."

"Hello, dear." We shared a kiss before I watched the show with her. "Guess you really like this show."

"I love it! The flavors, the frosting, the decorations, it's so great! Though it does have one drawback." Her stomach grumbled loudly. "It's driving my cravings through the roof." She started pouting toward me.

"Alright. What kind of cake should I get?" I asked with a smirk.

“Burnt Almond!” Tia chirped with a flutter of her wings.

"Burnt Almond it is." I went to get up, but Celestia stopped me. "Anything else, my dear?"

"I would love some fresh homemade ice cream to go with it." She leans over and kisses my cheek. "And I want it really cold~."

"Guess I'll visit Niflheim for some ice, right after I have Pinkie make that cake for you."

"Thank you, dear." Tia kisses me again before going back to her show.

I smiled back at her before heading out and opening a portal to Sugarcube Corner. Behind the counter, Carrot was running the register while juggling the twins. "Need some help there, Carrot?"

"If you don't mind," He chuckled nervously while I took the twins off his hooves. While he got a moment to breathe, he got his notepad ready. "So, what can I get you, your highness?"

"Cake, you can call me Joe. Only pricks that need a reality check can call me that," I told him while Pumpkin grabbed my beard and started pulling at it. "Ahh! My beard!" I joked with the little one. "Anyway. My wife has a craving for a Burnt Almond cake. Could you make a four-layer one with extra frosting?"

"Of course," Carrot said while writing down my order. "I can have it delivered by 6 or 7 tonight."

"That sounds terrific." Pound started pounding on my head at this point. "Alright, little buddy. Time to" I was about to hand Pound and Pumpkin back over to Carrot, but Pinkie appeared in front of me. "-head over to your Aunt Pinkie."

"Sorry, Mr. Cake. Cheese was in town and he took me on a date," Pinkie said while taking the babies from me.

"It's alright. And glad to hear that you and Cheese are still together," Carrot told her.

I smiled at Pinkie before handing Carrot the bits for the cake. "Alright, I'm heading for the coldest place in the nine realms to make ice cream for a very pregnant sun goddess."

"Okay, have fun!" Pinkie waved at me before I opened a portal to Nifelheim. Once the portal opened, I was blasted with a blast of the coldest air I'd ever felt. When the portal closed, I wolfed out and trudged through the ice and fog.

"Brrrr! All this so my pregnant wife can satisfy her craving," I told myself while looking for a glacier or frozen lake for ice. I shook my head before chuckling. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

After miles of trudging through the ice and snow, I came across a massive ice sheet with a thin fog over it.

"Perfect." I slid across the ice, looking for a weak spot to crack the ice and make away with a good bucket full for the cold treat my wife desires. When I neared the center of the lake, I felt a crack underneath my feet. "There we go." I unsheathed my ax and went about cutting the ice.

As I began cutting the ice, chipping away at the large block, I broke through and expected frozen lake water to rise up. instead, a blast of cold air and darkness met me. "The hell?" I looked down into the hole I just made, and saw what looked like a large cavern. "Interesting."

CRACK CRACK

Suddenly, I hear the ice around me start to crack even further. As I made to stand up and leave, the entire ice field shattered, creating a vacuum and taking me down with thousands of pounds of ice into the unknown.

As I fell, I did my best to fly out or even teleport out, but the ice was not allowing me to do any of that. When I tried to climb through the falling gaps, a chunk the size of a minivan struck me in the head. My vision started to blacken and I fell into the unknown.

A few hours later

I awoke with a dull pain in... well, everywhere. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw that I was in the cavern that I thought was a frozen lake. "All this for ice cream. Ow." I slowly got up and my healing factor went to work on mending my bones.

While I was waiting for my leg to heal, I had a better look around the place and saw something extremely weird. "What the fuck?"

As I stared at the castle in front of me, I felt a pull from my gut, compelling me to come closer. Without really knowing why I made my way toward the icy structure.

As I drew closer, I felt my senses leave me. My vision was blurred and my limbs were numb to a degree where I couldn't feel them, but could still move toward the castle. After crossing the jagged bridge, the massive doors opened, looking like two glaciers.

After passing the threshold, the massive doors closed, swallowing me in. When the doors shut with a mighty thud, the trance I was in ended and I was left wondering how I got in. "What the hell?"

I turned around and went to open the doors and get the hell out, but no matter how hard I pushed, they simply wouldn't budge. After giving it a few swings with my ax with no result, I decided it was time to open a portal.

However to my surprise as soon as I tried I received a shock to my head as though someone ran a knife through it making me yell.

As the pain subsided, I started getting images. Flashes of ancient beings in a constant war. One group of beings had glowing white eyes and another group had soulless black eyes. I don't know why they were fighting, but they looked like they really hated each other.

After the images stopped, the pain was gone and I stood up. "Alright, this is so fucked up. I'm out of here." I went for another portal, but as I channeled my magic, nothing happened. "The hell?" I tried my magic again, but still nothing. I felt my mana pool, but it just wouldn't come out, like a flame thrower with a broken nozzle.

"Fuck!" I grabbed a nearby piece of ice and threw it against the wall in rage. "I can't open the door! I can't teleport out! I can't even use fucking magic!" My voice echoed off the walls of this place, causing a few icicles to drop from the ceiling.

As I stood there in the entrance hall, brooding over my predicament, an idea came to mind. "May as well go through this fucking thing. See if there's an exit." And just like that, I made my way into the castle to find a way out.

As I walked through the castle hallways, I saw a few carvings along the walls depicting the very images I saw earlier from that magic backlash. "Strange. These aren't Aesir or Jotnar, yet, they seem a lot older." I mused to myself as I moved further along.

Soon, I came across a large room with statues on pedestals. A few of them depicted the two ancient beings, others, well, they can only be described as horrors that H.P. Lovecraft would take credit for. As I walked past a tentacle creature with three dicks, I slipped on some ice and bumped into a tall statue, causing it to tip and fall over onto another statue, causing it to fall and do the same to another.

Just like a cartoon, the statues fell like dominos, shattering on the floor and going around the whole room.

As I watched the second to last statue fall against the large demon-looking statue in the middle, I just shook my head. "Good thing this place is abandoned. I'd hate to imagine what the damage bill would be." I mused to myself before moving on to the next room. As I stepped over the rubble of an Ogre, I heard a cracking sound behind me. When I looked back, the center statue was shaking and flaking away, revealing blue skin and red webbed wings. "There is no way my luck is that bad."

As if to answer me, the statue flexed and the rest of its stone skin shot off. Once the dust cleared away a bit, I was met with a creature that shouldn't exist in this realm or any realm on Ygdrassil.

The creature had three fire-filled maws, two spike-covered tails, a razor-sharp hide, and to top it off, a pair of leathery wings that looked like they could kick up a dust storm. I tried to sneak around it, hoping that it wouldn't spot me.

My luck, however, decided to take a shit on my head as a block of ice fell on my foot. "Yeaaaaaaahaaaaa! Son of a bitch! Mother fucker!" While I hopped on one foot while holding the other in pain, I felt a burst of hot air on my neck. I slowly turned my head to see the large beast glaring down at me. I saw that it was licking its chops and knowing me, I must look delicious. "Hello, handsome."

"GRRRRRRRR!!" It growled at me while I saw flames go up its throat.

"Right." I punched the middle head before running to the next room.

"RAAAAAWRRRR!!!" The three-headed beast roared before chasing after me.

I sprinted as fast as I could while the monster rampaged behind me. I didn’t know where I was going, but I couldn’t do much in such a condensed space. I needed more elbow room if I was gonna properly take this guy on. I kept running and turned multiple random corners. The monster was still hot on my tail as it blew more fire at me. I barely managed to turn another corner before the flames could engulf me.

“Is this what it’s like to be roasted on a spit?!” I asked out loud as I turned another corner.

Fortune soon began to smile down on me when I turned one last corner and ran through a doorway. I found myself in an open chamber of some kind that was the size of a football field. The monster crashed through the wall as I skidded to a halt, and turned to face the beast.

I unsheathed my ax and unfurled my shield before wolfing out. I let out a roar of my own before we charged at each other. When we were a few feet apart, I lept onto its middle head and hooked my ax under its throat. The beast started to thrash, the other two heads trying to take a bite out of me while I rode it like a bronco at a rodeo.

The monster, desperate to get rid of me, charged toward a pillar, heads first. I smirked at the action before getting ready. When it was close to hitting the frozen stone, I launched off its head while slicing off one of the wings as it smashed into the pillar.

The beast roared even louder and twisted its body to swing its tail. The impact felt like I was hit by a cargo plane as I was sent hurdling across the chamber and crashed into the wall. The impact cracked the wall and broke off multiple chunks of stone.

I dodged the avalanche of rocks before grabbing one and hurling it at the head on my right. The impact smashed the rock into pebbles while the head it hit went limp. The middle head took a moment to sniff the limp head before biting it off.

"One down, two to go," I smirked before the winged bastard charged at me again.

I used my wings to jump over the monster's charge before bringing out my shotgun and firing a shot at its wing joints, causing one to fall off and the other to hang by a few sinews of muscle.

While the beast wailed at the loss of its wings, I got a look at the chamber around us and saw a place to hide and recover for a bit.

I hid behind an ice pillar, collecting my breath before the monster smashed it to pieces and went on the attack again. I dodged the debris and took another stance. "For fuck sake, how do I get into these things!?" I asked before chopping away the jaw off of the left head.

Suddenly one of the beast's claws made a swipe at me and as I moved to back away my leg hit something forcing me to trip and also open for the incoming attack.

The beast made to pounce on me to pin me down and tear me apart. As it came down to doing that, I caught it with my legs and using my godly strength, launched it up toward the ceiling. The monster was impaled by multiple icicles that hung from the ceiling, killing it and ending its rampage.

As I got up and dusted myself off, I went to see what had tripped me. I bent down and saw that it was a bone. A really, really big bone. "Looks like the giants were here." When I looked to the left, I saw a trail of bones that kept growing in size. "What kind of creature were you?"

I followed the trail of bones, noting that they were rib and tail bones, indicating it was a giant snake, or possibly just the tale of some great beast. Every few yards, yes yards, I would find patches of frozen flesh along the ribs and vertebrae, as well as a scaly hide. "Your identity becomes clearer the further I go." After two hours of walking, I came upon what at first looked like a small mountain, when in reality it was the skull of a massive serpent.

I stood in awe at the deceased beast before me and wondered whether it was time, a beast, or some other form of death that took this great monster down. As I flew up to the top of this beast's skull, I got my answer. In the middle of the snake's skull, amidst deep splinters in the bone was a sword. A sword with a strange yet wonderful design.

If such a sword could bring down a beast such as this, then it was worth keeping. When I grabbed the handle, another vision slammed into me.

In the depths of my mind, I saw an ancient warrior fight hordes of monsters with the blade I was holding as well as psychic powers that would put Jean Grey to shame. As the battle continued, he spoke in an ancient language that sounded like he was placing a curse along the walls of the castle. When he was nearing the end, a giant serpent that looked like it could be Jormungandr's kin, burst through a horde of monsters before charging toward him.

The vision ended there, but from what I could tell from the skeleton, the guy won or at least killed the giant Wurm before he was vanquished. After shaking the cobwebs from my head, I pulled the blade from the skull and observed the blade.

The sword felt...comfortable in my grasp and warm as though the blade was meant to be in my hand.

As I admired the blade and even gave it a few swings, the cavernous room began to shake, causing rocks and ice to fall to the ground. I figured it had to be an earthquake until the cavern wall next to me burst, causing the whole place to be covered in dust.

After fanning away the dust with my wings, I wished I hadn't. From high above, a scaly, more fleshed-out serpent than the one I stood on, leered down at me.

The beast's rumbles filled the room and its saliva burnt with a hiss as it hit the ground. "Ugh. Any chance we could talk this out?" My question was answered when the serpent reared its head back and flames engulfed in its maw. "I guess not."

The Serpent released a blazing inferno that I was just able to dodge. When I looked back at the snake, the sword emitted blue flames and radiated with power. After seeing the sword burst into flame, a sadistic grin made its way onto my face before I glared at the snake. "Looks like the tables have turned, biatch!"

"Raaaaawwwwrrrrrrr!!!" The Serpent roared at me before lifting its tail a mile away from me and bringing it up to smash me with. I thought about making a run for it, but then a sadistic thought came to mind. As the tail started to fall toward me, I held my new sword at the ready. When I could see nothing but darkness around me, I thrust the sword upward just as the tail slammed down.

Dark. It was dark and squishy. When the sword ignited, I could see I was inside the snake, probably in a body cavity. I stepped onto the muscle and kept walking forward. "Damn, I didn't think that would work," I told myself before feeling the body part move. "Guess it's wondering where I am."

Aside from the damp moisture, the inside of the creature was absolutely foul and I almost gagged from the stench.

"I gotta get outta here," I said to myself before suddenly falling on my ass and could feel the monster moving.

"If that's the way forward, then that's where I should go," I told myself while getting back up.

3rd POV. Outside the Serpent

The beast was content that it killed the pest that entered its home and went to return to its slumber. After moving a few feet, the creature felt a burning sensation that gave it pause. The tingling soon became an unbearable pain as it traveled further up its body.

The Serpent slithered this way and that, shaking the structure as it did, but to no avail. The more it thrashed, the further the pain traveled. Worse yet, in the spot where the pain had started, a small blue flame had begun to grow.

The beast let out a loud roar-like hiss as it crashed against both stone and ice to quell the fire that was traveling up its body. As the pain kept traveling further, the beast kept slamming, destroying walls, pillars, and everything else that looked manmade.

The fire kept eating away at the snake as the slashing traveled faster and further up the monster. It was getting desperate now. Seeing no end in sight, the giant snake burst through the ceiling and headed for the surface.

After traveling a short distance, the great Wurm burst to the surface and started destroying the landscape with its flaming breath and body. After clearing an area the size of Central park, the scaly fiend made one last attempt to rid itself of the pain. It headed toward a great mountain in the distance and slithered full speed toward it.

Joe's POV

"Come on you overgrown Rattler! You're only making this worse!" I yelled before slashing away at the monster's stomach lining. "You're just pissing me off by your continuance to exist!" As I made my way toward its throat, there was a sudden stop, sending me flying up toward the mouth.

After shaking the stars from my head, I saw that I was standing on the beast's tongue. "Wonder if I taste I taste good? No time to ponder that, gotta get out of here." Unfurling my wings, I flew up toward the roof of its mouth with my new sword leading the way.

After slicing through bone, flesh, and brain matter, I was free from the monster and could claim victory.

After letting out my victory howl, I noticed we were out of the castle and cavern, and that the snake had bashed its brains against a mountain. "Huh. Well, I drove him to it, so I'll chalk it up anyway," I told myself before jumping down onto the snow.

After feeling the snow under my feet, I breathed the free air before feeling my magic course through my veins once again. Laughing at my powers being returned, I flew high in the air, leaving behind a trail of magical fireworks. Once I had my fun, I dropped down and sat next to the fallen snake and examined my sword.

“Hmm…curious blade,” I said aloud. “Haven’t seen any material like this in all the realms.”

BA-BUMP!

Just when I thought things would mellow out, my senses blared as loud as they could and forced me back into my Lycan form. The hairs all over my body were standing on end. There was something else gazing at me, and if I wasn’t careful I wouldn’t be breathing for much longer. I barely moved a muscle as my eyes darted around the area and I took long sniffs in the air. My ears twitched in every direction as I swallowed a lump in my throat. Whatever was with me knew how to stay quiet and undetected. Or rather, I don’t believe even it knew how stealthy it was.

"I know you're out there. Show yourself!" I roared while getting my sword and ax at the ready.

I kept my eyes and ears open for any unknown enemy. As I kept searching, I felt a tingling at the back of my neck. I took that as a sign to move and thankfully I did because the ice and snow where I stood blew up in a giant slashing motion.

When I looked around, I couldn't see what had done it. "Where the hell are you?"

Another tingle, this time it came from my right shoulder, making me slash my sword in that direction. And to my luck, I hit something solid while hearing a high-pitched cry.

When I looked I saw it was black, thin and fast so fast I thought it might have been only my imagination if it weren't for the scream from earlier.

"So, you're the shit that's behind this?" I asked before letting out a scoff. "I just took down a dragon, you're the damn after-dinner mint compared to it."

Naturally, there was no response from whatever the thing was as I continued to look around for any movement or sound.

As I searched the snowy landscape, I felt the same tingling, but in my chest. I smirked before dodging left while sending my ax hurling in the other direction. When I got back up, I summoned my ax back to me. As it came flying back, it hit the thing that was attacking me and brought it closer.

With it wounded, I charged forward with my sword and impaled it into the body of the beast. As it lay slumped in the snow, bleeding out black blood, I saw that it looked like an Enderman and jellyfish. "Never seen your kind before." I mused before retrieving my weapons from its corpse.

I checked my watch to see that it was getting late. Without further ado, I took out my key and grabbed a huge chunk of ice before heading home.

At the dinner table

"You went through all that, just to get ice for Ice cream?" Celestia asked me while I cleared the table.

"It was unexpected but worth it," I told the family before pointing at the fireplace. "I have a new weapon, fought a dragon, and most importantly," I leaned down and kissed Celestia's cheek. "I was able to get us some dessert for tonight."

"Hon, you truly do spoil us," Jackie said while slicing up the cake.

"I'm just glad you're home, safe and sound," Luna smiled up at me.

"It's gonna take a lot more than a triple-headed brute, garden snake, or Enderman to keep me from coming back to you and the kids," I told them before giving Scoots and Jack a slice of cake.

Author's Note

First, time to give Wolf Blood, Wurky, and Valiant Charge credit for helping with this chapter. They have my back and I have theirs, and the other League members.

Anyway, for those that get the reference, good.

Now, for the clip.