Only Two Things in Life are Certain...

by Asylum

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Death
Length: 1860

Death and taxes, although you don't usually run into them at the same time.

Twilight discovers yet another thing Celestia failed to mention about becoming an Alicorn. Let's just hope that she can figure it out.

*Crack Fic*
I wrote this rather quickly, so I doubt it's all that funny, but the idea would not leave my head so here we are.

Published 2023-01-18 09:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-18 09:10:01 UTC

Knock Knock

Twilight was alone within the enormous chamber that housed the cutie map, a dull echo of hoof on crystal bouncing around the room. Sitting slouched upon her throne, the lilac alicorn gazed disinterestedly at the flickering holographic map before her. The tapping of her hoof on the crystal armrest of her throne, a metronome of despair, or at the very least a drum of mild annoyance.

Once again the cutie map had summoned her friends to go off on what she could only assume was ANOTHER fantastic adventure filled with laughs and friendship, and yet here she was wiling her time. She would usually be using this time to get a bit of “light” reading done, but this specific summons had left a rather bitter taste in her mouth.

How is it that the cutie map had summoned ALL of her friends, but not her! Of course she understood her student Starlight going along, Discord was another shocking addition naturally, but it had even summoned Spike! He doesn’t even have a cutie mark!

“Aaaarghhhhhh” Twilight growled in anger, rolling over to slump over the armrest pouting.

‘It’s just so unfair! She, the Princess of Friendship, left behind during what must obviously be a huge Friendship Mission.’ She was starting to think that the map had more control over her titular field then she had. Not for the first time Twilight wished she had been granted domain over a more concrete concept. Knowledge, Magic, tartarus she’d even settle for Books! At least books never left her alone with her thoughts.

It is said that there is a certain amount of angst that the universe will tolerate, Twilight had exceeded said limit. There was a sharp rap of hoof on wood coming from the entryway.

Twilight shot upright surprised. Had her friends come back so soon? Had they realized that they were useless without their vaunted leader to guide them?

Her answer was swiftly answered as the door creaked open and a dark cloaked pony in possession of a scythe glid through the gap. With a silent flourish the doors shut behind the figure as it approached.

“Wh-” Twilight started to question, only to immediately be cut off by the stranger. He had leaned his menacingly looking scythe against the crystalline throne that belonged to the Element of Laughter as he walked up to the map in the center of the room.

“Greeting’s, your majesty. I know you have questions as to my sudden and unannounced visit, but I must ask that you hold them until I finish my company mandated introduction.” The stranger spoke with a deep baritone voice, although it sounded oddly hollow to Twilight’s ears.

“My name is Mort, I represent what you mortals commonly refer to as death.” The figure leaned in conspiratorially, its hood filled with nothing but darkness. “Just between you and me it's more like a multi level marketing scheme, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

“W-” Twilight once again tried to give voice to her mounting confusion, once again cutoff as Mort continued.

“As you may be aware it has been exactly one year since you ascended to the status of an Alicorn. As such I must inform you that your free trial of immortality has expired. As such I have come to collect your dues for this year.” Mort paused for a moment letting his statement sink in, “Now how would you like to pay? We accept Souls, Blood, Tears of the Innocent, and bits. Unfortunately due to falling exchange rates we no longer accept British Sterling. A real shame that, we lost a loyal customer that day.” Mort gazes sidelong reminiscing.

Twilight moved to speak, pausing to make sure that the figure before her was done, before voicing her very well reasoned retort.

“WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!” Twilight’s canterlot voice lessons with Luna seemed to have paid off as the room trembled.

“Well you see when you ascended you received the standard free immortality trial package. It has since expired, and as such you must pay your dues to continue receiving the benefits of said immortality.” Mort responded nonplussed, he removed a colorful brochure from within the ever shadowed interior of his cloak. A pale hoof gently placed it upon the map between them.

Twilight wasted no time and immediately levitated the brochure before her. The cutesy picture of a snake eating its own tail smiled up at her.

‘Immortality and you! How to make the most of eternity!’ Eye twitching Twilight hurriedly scanned the contents of the brochure. Her muzzle opening and closing as she digested the contents. The brochure began to shake within her magic, purple glow increasing, before suddenly the brochure burst into flame and was reduced to ashes.

“You are taxing me for living?!?” Twilight’s eye had not lost its twitch, her features filled with a smoldering fury. Mort’s ‘face’ was gazing at the pile of ashes that had been a beautiful and informative brochure. A sigh escaped the void where his mouth should have been. Of course he had to deal with another Karen, it was monday after all.

“Ma’am, I understand that this can be a lot to take in, but I must ask that you refrain from incinerating company property.” Mort leveled what could be interpreted as an exhausted look had one been an omniscient spectator. He reached once more within his cloak, removing an identical trifold pamphlet, placing it where its brother in arms had been taken from. “Now it’s not exactly a tax per say… More like a mutually beneficial agreement. You pay a small amount annually, and in exchange we look the other way in regards to your flagrant disregard for the natural cycle. It’s a win-win, no?”

“You mean that the only reason Alicorns are immortal is because of some shady backroom deal?!?” Twilight asked, more to herself than the ominous figure before her. “Does Princess Celestia also pay? Princess Luna? Discord!?!” Twilight was shook to her core. Her whole life she had aspired to be like her mentor, to live a long and fruitful life helping others. The mere idea that Princess Celestia had lived as long as she had was simply by paying off death, why it turned everything she knew upside down.

“Well of course they do. You didn’t think that just having a bunch of magic made you immune to aging did you? That’s not how biology works.” Mort’s tone was condescending, almost as if he were explaining to a child. “Now how are you going to make your payment today?”

“I won’t be making any payment! I refuse to accept your notion that I need to pay somepony off to not age. It doesn’t make sense. If that was the case nopony would age!” Twilight was growling once again. It would probably have been intimidating if it had not originated from a cute pastel pony.

“Well obviously we can’t just offer this to just anypony. If we did that we would definitely get cracked down on by the ERS. You should be thankful to be part of this exclusive membership!” Mort shrugged her question off.

“Bu- Wha- huh?” Twilight was understandably confused by this latest insanity introduced in this trainwreck of a conversation.

“Anyways, I do have a schedule to keep. As such I must insist that you pay your due. Otherwise I will be forced to default on your position.” The cloaked pony was picking at his hoof, he’d had plenty of these kinds of visits by now. He had a general idea which way this was headed, the thought of having to file additional paperwork already causing a headache to set in.

Twilight had seemingly gathered her wits, as she quickly hopped down from her throne and marched towards the unwanted visitor.

“No, I will not be paying your due. This is all some elaborate scam you are running isn’t it? Well it won’t work on me, you won’t get one singular bit from me!” Twilight was smugly grinning in the cloaked figures not face. She had figured this all out, it was obviously a scam, what else could it be? After she heard his ridiculous explanation she’d call a guard and have him tossed into the dungeon. Then she’d be able to go back to the important angsting she had been doing before she was so rudely interrupted..

Mort however just sighed once more, it was always a pain to deal with mortals like this. Always so sure of themselves, rationalizing away what should be a once in a lifetime event. Mort carefully lifted his hoof, purple eyes tracking it, slowly raising it before gently booping the snoot of the Princess of Friendship. He took a step back not wanting to have to dry clean his cloak a second time this week.

“What was that supposed to do? Annoy me?” Twilight questioned irritated. Who exactly did this pony think he was?

“Well as I said, you are out of compliance and as such I defaulted on your position. We at Mortis Inc. are sympathetic to how large an adjustment this can be. As such we offer a 30 day grace period on the first late payment. You will of course face a late fine, in addition to your fine for destruction of company property.” Mort answered with the well rehearsed company he was so familiar with.

“Defaulted? What do you mean?” Twilight was a tad concerned at the language used. Mort gestured downward and Twilight’s gaze followed.

Below her was a familiar looking lilac alicorn. The alicorn's face was still locked into a smug grin even as it rigidly lay upon the floor. A pool of what appeared to be urine was spreading beneath. It occurred to Twilight that she was looking down at her very own corpse. Panic flooded her as she lifted her hoof to her face, it was transparent and shimmered slightly when moved. She returned her ghostly visage to Mort, an expression of horror etched upon her features.

“I wish you a good day Ma'am, if I could offer some advice, you should keep your body somewhere cold until you are ready to make your payment. It’ll help prevent any discomfort afterwards.” Mort took out a small plastic box thingy and pressed a few buttons. A small paper receipt was printed from the device which Mort then proceeded to stick it to Twilight’s corpse’s unmoving face. He took special care so as to not step in anything icky.

With his job complete, Mort stored away the device, picked up the scythe he had left leaning, and left. The door made a heavy thump as it swung shut behind him.

Twilight was once again left alone within the enormous room, with only her corpse to keep her company. Her heart would have been racing had it been beating, but lacking that she felt fairly calm given the circumstances. She cast her gaze down once more at her corpse, grimacing as the pool of urine reached its face.

‘Spike is going to have a lot of work cleaning this up when he gets back’