A Successful Introduction
Warning: The following are fictional events and have not really taken place. Please don’t think this is a true story. Don’t expect an Equestrian portal to appear in your bedroom; You’re not cool enough. :)
My Kat Goes to Equestria
So I had just gotten to my apartment room, back from college after an exhausting day of physics science, and walked into my room. Imagine my surprise when I see that my kat, mr. kittles, has torn apart my room (those walls really were paper-thin!!). Then double that amount of surprise when I notice the fucking huge portal to Equestria where my bed once stood!
Holy shit, that’s awesome!, I thought. “Holy moly, that’s awesome!” I said. My parents had conditioned me well.
I stepped toward the portal, carefully examining it. Like a window unapproved by the building inspector, it gave a clear image of a bright Equestrian meadow with Ponyville visible off in the distance. I could see happy little bunnies and squirrels prancing about the plain, completely oblivious to the gaping cavity in their reality that was liable to leak in all sorts of horrors such as serial rapists, nuclear weaponry, and Big Macs.
Done with my brief excursion in scientific observation, I was all set to throw caution to the wind and likely be imprisoned in a world of magic horrors, when out of nowhere (Ok, he was under my dresser) leapt mr. kittles!
The crazed kat landed square on my head, claws sinking deep into my scalp. Pleased with his surprise attack, the fluffy painbringer then proceeded to shred up my face (and send me not into a world of magical friendship, but probably the stuffy emergency room at the clinic where I would end up stuck waiting in a plastic chair next to the homeless man with the infected toe. They always want to show you the fucking thing, don’t they?).
Oh yeah, also mr. kittles had gotten into my drug stash, and was now hyped up on cocaine and some other crud I scraped off the curb.
“No, mr. kittles! Please have mercy!” I screamed, flailing my arms about as I fell on some star wars legos.
“Mrreeeow!” he only hissed back; for felines know no mercy. Chop their legs so they can’t run.
I had just managed to push him from my face to my chest, when from the edge of my vision, I noticed the portal was slowly starting to close. With renewed urgency, I whacked the kat on his little noggin and bought some time. He sat stunned, eyes rolling around like pinballs as I threw him against the wall.
Quick as a cricket, I crawled over to the glorious portal and had just reached out to touch it when the ferocious furball snapped to. With renewed bloodlust, he pounced on my head and the weight of impact smashed my face into the pointy model airplanes I keep on the floor.
“Please, mr. kittles! I need to experience friendship makes it all complete!” I begged, but there was no relief. As the portal shrank before me, kittles only kontinued his kitty assault.
In one last desperate attempt (not for survival like that rock guy, but instead so I could sex some ponies), I used all my strength from lifting weights that one time in gym and propelled mr. kittles off me for good. Straight into the portal. Which promptly shut from the strain of transmitting matter.
Hmm..
“There is no god,” I declared, reaching for a particularly sharp model jet fighter DC Stealthman Scout-218/H21#™.
Mr. Kittles (the kute and kuddly kitty-kat) apprehensively looked about, analyzing all the new sights and smells. Dropping to a hunting pose, he prowled about and took in all the bright colors. There were more shades and hues in one flower than there were in his owner’s World of Witchcraft game! Shifting his attention, the kat suspiciously watched all the pleasant woodland critters frolicing about.
It wasn’t long before they took notice of him, too. And it was none other than a happy little squirrel that decided to break the ice and welcome the newcomer. Blissfully, Mr. Squirrel hopped up to the crouched cat and kindly offered up a little acorn for his new friend.
No. Kittles wasn’t gonna have any of that shit.
He pounced on the unfortunately stupid squirrel in a flash, and bit its head clean off. Noticing this, the other creatures were stunned for only a moment before fleeing for their adorable lives.
Mr. kittles purred in joy, ripping out the little squirrelly intestines and digging in. He hadn’t eaten this well since that elderly woman had fallen asleep behind the apartment building (and the police were still on the lookout for a serial murderer!)! Finally, after stuffing his belly to the limit with entrails and veiny-bits, the kat curled up and took a nap on his kill.
Fluttershy was merrily trotting towards her favorite meadow, humming a happy little tune. Oh, I do so hope Mr. Skunk is over his cold this week. As much as I love him, it’s not enough to use the thermometeragain, she thought with a shudder.
Realizing she had reached her destination, the animal-loving pony stopped and looked around the meadow. It occurred to her that none of her little animal friends were out and about. How strange.
“Um.. Hello? Where is everyone?” she somewhat called.
No response. There weren’t even any bumble bees buzzing about, that’s gotta tell ya something.
Unfortunately, ponies are naive to the ways of the world. Continuing further in, Fluttershy marched up a small hill where lo and behold; there was a precious little, if a bit scraggly, kat napping in the grass!
“Finally someone! Maybe you can tell me where all my tiny animal friends went?” she questioned.
That did it. Even Fluttershy’s soft voice was enough to awaken mr.kittles, as his ears were highly trained from all those wars he dreamt about. He rose with a start, faced away from the pony that had dared disrupt his slumber.
“Oh, you’re just adorable! But we should really do something about your coat, it’s looking a little scruffy.”
And then mr. kittles turned around, revealing his bloodstained muzzle with little gut-chunks still stuck.
Fluttershy froze in shock, attempting to process the sight.
And then she looked behind the kontemptuous kat and saw the corpse of Mr. Squirreliam Twitchington the Third, his intestines strewn about the grass.
Fluttershy screamed as loud as her soft pony lungs were able.
Frightened by the sudden noise, mr. kittles gave into instinct and did what he does best; he pounced on stunned Fluttershy’s face and proceeded to give her some cosmetic surgery. Unconsented. (And there was a little bit of rape involved with her nose.)
