Mind if I Cut In?

by MrNumbers

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 6811

The waiter has just made a very funny mistake. See, he thinks Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are all dating, when it's actually just Twilight and Dash. Rarity thinks it's very funny not to correct him. Now how far can she take the joke?

The waiter has just made a very funny mistake. See, he thinks Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are all dating, when it's actually just Twilight and Dash. Rarity thinks it's very funny not to correct him. Now how far can she take the joke?

A spiritual sequel to Flimsy Pretexts, written as a response to the effervescent Monochromatic. An effort to close our loop of RariTwi x Dash, then RariDash x Twi - naturally there needed to be a TwiDash x Rarity for balance.

Preread by Pearple Prose and Undome Tinwe

Published 2023-01-23 00:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-23 00:30:03 UTC

"Yes, and"

There was a kind of elegance to it. Unless you were Rarity, a night out at a fancy restaraunt was something only really done by dating couples. So, when Rainbow Dash and Twilight started dating, Rarity finally saw her in.

Rarity was already on her second glass of wine, she kept forgetting herself in her excitement. “They say that company is the sweetest seasoning, and I must say, for all the delight that Monsieur Neufchatel has been on solo outings, there really has always been something missing. It’s so wonderful to have you finally join me as a pair, since I could never get either of you alone.”

“Yeah.” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Sorry,” she lied.

Twilight kicked Rainbow’s shin under the table, then reached across and took Rarity’s hoof. “We are, though. And I’m glad we could at least be good company tonight. I will admit, I never really tried anything… this upmarket, even when I was living in Canterlot. I was always more of a donuts and burgers girl.”

Dash sat bolt upright in her chair and lean forward. “Hey, did you say donuts? Are we getting donuts after this?”

Twilight gave Rainbow a sideways look. Then a guilty one at Rarity as she whispered, “Probably” to Rainbow under her breath. Rainbow did a quiet little hoofpump. Twilight cleared her throat and looked back to Rarity. “But I’m a Princess now, so I should probably expand my palate a bit more. Or refine it? Right?”

“One must expand before one can refine,” Rarity agreed, swirling her wine. “Otherwise you narrow down on already limited options.”

Rainbow Dash sipped her cola. “I guess that sounds kind of smart, but what about when you just get it right the first try? Then you’re just wasting time trying worse stuff. What’s the word?”

“Opportunity cost,” Twilight added, and Dash gave an intense nod.

“Yeah! That’s it. Thanks Twi.” But Twilight waved it off.

Rarity scanned her menu, even though she knew everything on it. It was a matter of discretion, in the face of such… unique flirting. She glanced up again. “Then by exploring all our options, we also deepen our appreciation for what we do like, for knowing just where it stands among the competition.” She looked to Rainbow Dash with that careful choice of phrase, and then flicked her eyes to Twilight. “We can’t draw conclusions without testing, can we?”

Rarity was sincerely, at the time, only talking about food.

Rainbow and Twilight looked to each other, a brief moment of couples’ telepathy that seemed to turn out good. Silently they had decided it was Twilight’s turn to speak again. “We’ll be open to trying new things tonight.” Truly, just the food. “I was just going to have the leek and potato soup, but maybe I should look at the specials.”

“Well, now I’m conflicted.” Rarity looked down at her menu again with a morose sigh. “Because the leek and potato soup is truly very good.”

Rainbow seemed to chew that over, looked down at her menu, looked back up again. “Is there anything that isn’t very good?”

Rarity thought about it. “No. Wait, yes. The haloumi. Everything here is exceptional, but the haloumi is the exception.”

“Ah, dang.” Rainbow dropped her menu. “Well, there goes my pick.”

Rarity settled on the carrots bourguignon. “Well, what would your second choice be?”

Rainbow shrugged and didn’t pick her menu back up. “Nah, I already picked wrong once. One of you pick for me.”

Twilight’s head was deep in her own selection. Rarity watched her go back from the main to the appetizers again, and back again. “I think I’ll have… no.” She gave Rarity a helpless look. “Now I’m worried everything I’d pick is the stuff I’d pick, because I’m picking it. But I don’t know how to choose what I wouldn’t choose.”

“Would you like me to order for you as well?” Rarity smiled sweetly, and Twilight put her menu down like a bad hand in poker.

“Yes, please, thank you.” She sounded grateful, as if this opportunity weren’t a gift.

Rarity signalled for the waiter, a young hippogriff she rather liked. He only smiled when if he meant it, and he was always smiling. “Lady Rarity. I see you’re with company this evening?” The ‘for once’ was implied but unsaid, there behind his excitement on her behalf.

“Ladies, this is Shorebreak, and he will be taking excellent care of us this evening. Shorebreak, this would be the Princess Twilight and Rainbow Dash.”

The two gave an awkward wave while Shorebreak dipped into a half-curtsy. “I’m a big fan of the Wonderbolts,” he said, and then with just the first edges of a stammer in his voice, “And, uh, royalty, of course.”

“Just Twilight is fine.” Twilight raised an eyebrow at Rarity, as if not acknowledging she were a princess would have made her less of one.

“She’ll be having an order of the mushroom blanquette, and Dash will be taking an order of the aligot. I’ll be having the carrots bourguignon, of course.” She half-considered changing her mind just to get into the spirit of things but… well. She already knew exactly what she wanted, didn’t she?

“Of course.” Shorebreak nodded, already collecting their menus. Dash tried to surreptitiously speedread hers before it disappeared, but too slow. Then the hippogriff was gone just as soon as they’d arrived.

“I have no idea what you just got me.” Rainbow Dash tried to reach over to the menu on the next table over, but was stopped by a warning look from Twilight and backed down.

“Then it’ll be a nice surprise, won’t it?” Rarity cooed. Twilight looked just as unsure.

“I’m not sure if I like mushrooms, actually,” she confessed.

“Yes, I know.” Rarity watched and waited for the understanding in Twilight she knew was about to happen.

Twilight blinked, then smiled happily, as if Rarity had just pulled a little magic trick on her. As sure as the sunrise, and just as lovely. “I see.”

It was at that moment, when things were going so well, that Rainbow Dash finished her cola, and gave that away with the distinctive clicking of the ice cubes when the glass hit the table again. Shorebreak was devilishly good, that sound might as well have been a summons, and the waiter was there again.

“Might I freshen the drinks for the three friends this evening?”

Rainbow Dash was already holding her glass out eagerly, when Twilight touched her elbow lightly. “Actually, we’re dating. Just, quietly.”

“Ah! Of course, my apologies, Princess.” The hippogriff took a half step back in realizing the faux pas, and then two steps forward in excitement. “I’ll be sure to remember, and of course, you have our discretion.”

“I can see why you like him so much,” Dash stage-whispered to Rarity, loud enough for Shorebreak to hear. She pretended that wasn’t on purpose, the whole time her cola was topped up right to the brim of the glass.

“We’re good thanks,” Twilight gestured to the bottle she was sharing with Rarity, of which Twilight was only just now finishing her first glass. “But thank you.”

Rarity eyed the wine level in that bottle Twilight had so confidently said would not be needed, and decided discretion was the better part of valour after all. Perhaps better to slow down, instead. Though that was a hard task around these two specifically. “I’m surprised.”

“By what?” Twilight asked.

“She’s wondering why you made a thing of us dating.” Rainbow rolled her eyes and bumped Twilight with a shoulder. “You worried about it, or something?”

Twilight shrunk down in her chair, looking around the restaurant. But of course Rarity had picked a private table, there was nobody to see. “It’s embarrassing.”

Rainbow Dash wore a goofy grin with all the excitement of a shark that smelled easy blood in the water. “What is?”

“I kind of want to show you off a little. Okay?” Twilight sat right back up in her chair, and spared one last look over her shoulder. “Your ego must be rubbing off on me.”

“Not the only way I’m rubbing off on you,” Rainbow smirked, and Rarity very deliberately did not choke on her wine no matter how much had just shot up the back of her nose. Twilight didn’t even blush, just flicked Rainbow’s ear with a wingtip, as Rainbow cackled - more at Rarity’s reaction than anything else. “Hey though, I am way unbelievably cool with that. I’m a Princess’s trophy girlfriend.” Rarity had no idea how Rainbow managed to sound so proud of that.

I’m the Princess’s trophy girlfriend. Imagine- Actually, she found it too easy to imagine. There was a kind of trashy glamour to it, and again Rarity had to confront the sordid reality that she was just a teensy, tiny, itty-bitty bit trashy after all. And it was very rude to draw attention to that. Rarity took a frustrated sip of her wine while Rainbow Dash egregiously winked at her. Twilight looked back and forth between them.

“What just happened?” Twilight’s ears pricked to attention. “Something just happened, didn’t it.”

“Rarity’s just jealous because she wishes she could be a royal trophy girlfriend.” Rainbow explained, in a frustratingly helpful tone, “And she’s mad that she’s jealous, because she doesn’t want to admit it’s cool.”

Twilight blinked, and stared at Rarity. “Why? Is it?”

“No.” Rarity lied, and took the last sip of her fourth glass of wine.

“See,” Twilight looked back at Rainbow, “I didn’t think so.”

Rainbow didn’t say anything to Twilight, of course, and made sure her wicked grin was saved for when Twilight was looking away, towards the kitchen.

Rarity leaned right over the table. “I will get even with you for this, I hope you understand.”

“Get even for what?” Rainbow asked innocently, and fluttered her eyelashes.

“Girls, I think this is ours.” Twilight’s wings had flared out excitedly, and she was trying to stuff them back down. Of course she would, though, Rarity thought as she slipped neatly back into her chair. Thinking burned calories, she said, and of their friends Twilight’s appetite was probably the only one that could match Rainbow Dash’s. They were both even worse than Applejack, somehow. She was looking at the plates like she’d never eaten in her life.

Shorebreak delivered all three plates correctly without a reminder as to who was supposed to get which. A consummate professional as always.

“My regards to the happy throuple.” He bobbed in a half-curtsy one last time, before leaving.

That meant he missed when Twilight nearly choked to death on her first bite of mushrooms, and Rainbow Dash had to start whacking her on the back.

“First of all,” Twilight wheezed, “It turns out I do like mushrooms. Second of all, what the heck was that?”

“I think when you said we’re dating,” Rainbow began, before Twilight cut her off.

“I figured that out.” Twilight hissed, flinching from her own tone, and taking a moment to breathe and steady herself. “You know what I mean.”

And of course, Rainbow saw the exact moment that Rarity realized this was how she was going to get even. As good as her poker face was, Rainbow just read her too well.

“No, no, no. No you don’t,” Rainbow warned, “Don’t you dare.”

“What?” Twilight asked, “What just happened?”

“Rarity’s decided this is really funny.” Rainbow accused.

“A little, yes.” Rarity tactfully conceded, propping her elbows on table and resting her chin on her hooves. “I just think it’s charming that Shorebreak could so readily imagine it. Don’t you? Probably thinks it’s the only reason you’ve finally suffered to accompany me here for the evening.”

“Suffering?” Twilight said far too quickly, “Who’s suffering? I just learned I like mushrooms! I’m having a great night! No suffering here.”

Rainbow touched Twilight’s shoulder, and immediately Twilight calmed down, almost reset. It was incredible, actually. Rarity wondered when Rainbow had learned it, or when Twilight had let her that power. Then Rainbow was watching Rarity again. “Listen, maybe I started this, but-” That was as far as she got before she looked at the bowl she was served. “What is this?”

“Melted cheese curd, garlic and mashed potatoes.” Rarity hummed sweetly. “Try lifting your spoon.”

She did, and the aligot stretched like pastry dough, as Rarity knew it would. Dash’s eyes went wide, sparkling in the candlelight. She dropped her spoon in shock, then scrabbled to pick it up again the second it hit the bowl and took her first bite. She squirmed in her seat and leaned right back, staring at the ceiling.

Twilight tried to hide a giggle behind a hoof. “Rarity made a good choice, then.”

“I am.” Rainbow let out a shuddering breath. “So happy.”

And with that perfect decision, Rainbow entirely forgot about what she could have prevented. Rarity had earned her opening. She took a bite of her bourguignon and found it as perfect as she always did. Genuinely a tragedy that it went unappreciated by the single.

Twilight watched Rarity stab a carrot with her fork, and giggled. “Bourginon as in ‘Burgundy’, right?”

“Yes, why?” Rarity’s fork hovered away from her mouth, at least until she knew whether or not she was the punchline.

Twilight waited until Rainbow had taken a second bite of her aligot before leaning forward to whisper, “Rainbow only just learned that the places in Prance aren’t named after the wines.”

Rarity’s eyes widened. “Truly?”

“Don’t tell her I laughed about it.” Twilight giggled as she leaned back. Rainbow remained oblivious in her food-rapture. “We all have our blind spots. She’s just very eyes-forward.”

Of course Twilight, ever the pedagogue, would have fallen hard for someone with so much to learn. The flaw just became an opportunity to teach, and Rainbow made such an enthusiastic student. What Rarity wondered was what Rainbow got from Twilight?

Well, besides that she was a kind, brilliant Princess who matched her enthusiasm and ambition, who valued her friends more than anything else in the world, an incredibly powerful mage, an unflinching hero. She was that for them all, but it was only Rainbow that had thought of dating her. How come?

Rarity chewed her carrot thoughtfully. An excellent question. One that would have to wait until Rainbow could comprehend a world outside of cheesy mashed potatoes again. Rarity finished her wine and put it down, and went to pour another glass. But Twilight had moved on to her second, and the bottle was empty.

Somehow Shorebreak just knew. He was already there again. Incredible. “Might I suggest the second bottle be the ‘56 Hurloopa Valley shiraz? A good year, and the valley has an incredible terroir.”

Twilight looked at the empty bottle, surprised. “Wow. Maybe we should get a second. Thank you.”

“Of course, Princess Twilight. Will that be all?”

Twilight started to nod, then caught herself. “Actually, I think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

“Yes?” Shorebreak tilted his head.

Then Twilight, bless her, actually needed a moment to think of what to say. Which was all Rarity needed to cut in. “My partner for the evening was hoping she would not offend our chef by asking for a peppermill. I am sure Monsieur Neufchatel would take no insult?”

“No, Lady, he would not. Just a moment.” Then he was gone again, with a hop and a skip, leaving Twilight’s words caught in her throat again. Rainbow emerged from her food coma to pay attention again, though she was slow to wake. Like she was trying to stay in a very pleasant dream, but realizing that she needed to come out of it just enough to hit her alarm first.

Twilight figured it out again. “Rarity!”

“Mm?” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “What is it, dearheart?”

“You called me your partner for the evening?” Twilight said it like she couldn’t tell which of them was insane, but knew one of them had to be. “When he thinks we’re dating?”

“I certainly did.” Rarity grinned a wicked grin. “Isn’t it fun to let him think so? Besides. You are my partners for the evening. It wasn’t a lie.”

“Uh oh.” Rainbow wiped her lips - blessedly with a napkin, Rarity was impressed to see. “I tried to tell you.”

Twilight was stuck. She worked through what Rarity said, trying to find something she could pull apart from the knot. “The thing about the pepper was, though.” It was the best she could settle on.

“Was it?” Rarity laughed. “I know you were thinking it. You love saltiness and you hate inconveniencing anyone.”

Twilight looked to Rainbow in disbelief, but Rainbow lazily shrugged. “She’s got you there.”

Twilight glared back at Rarity, but at a loss for words, settled for knocking back the rest of her second glass of wine.

“Prove me wrong.” Rarity grinned. “When Shorebreak comes back with the peppermill, you can turn him down.”

Then, of course, Shorebreak was back with the next bottle of wine, and the peppermill. And Twilight bit her lower lip.

“How much?” He asked.

Twilight breathed a frustrated sigh out. “Five cracks, please.”

“Of course.” He gave five generous twists as Rarity poured her fifth glass of wine for the evening, and Twilight’s third. “Anything else?”

“No, thank you.” Twilight said automatically. Then, “Actually, wait-”

But of course Shorebreak had already left, to be immaculate service for another table, somewhere else. Twilight leaned in her seat to look deeper into the restaraunt to see if she could find him again, apparently to no avail.

“Drat.” Twilight grumpily took a bite of her mushrooms. “It really is a lot better, too.” She said, offended, as if that made it so much worse.

Rarity couldn’t hide her giggles.

Rainbow shrugged again, twirling a strand of her dish absently, staring into it. “Don’t know why Rarity thinks it’s so funny. I can see you two together. I just moved faster, is all.” No envy, no defensiveness. Just pride. How dare her, Rarity thought.

Twilight took another grudging bite of her, much improved, mushrooms. “I don’t think that’s true, otherwise Rarity wouldn’t think it was such a good joke.”

Had Rarity not finished four glasses of wine that evening, things might have gone differently. But she had, so things took a turn for the inevitable. “Some things are funny because they’re true.” She challenged, and then a steely look at Dash, the lout. “How sure you seem that he would only think that we are both dating Twilight, though. This is my haunt de jure. Mayhaps he thought you would clearly both be dating moi.”

Dash’s eyes widened. The gauntlet had been placed down. “Oh yeah?” She started. Alas, it was a battle of wits, and even with a four drink handicap, the word ‘challenge’ felt woefully inappropriate. Rainbow tried again. “Well, maybe he would just think you’d both date me. You think of that?”

“Well, yes.” Rarity countered. “Whether Twilight or I be the point of this imaginary triangle, both require the assumption that we would.”

“Ah, right. But I meant…” Rainbow trailed off. “Damn it. Okay, now I’m stuck, ‘cause I don’t even know why Twilight is dating me.”

“What?” Twilight’s eyes widened. “You asked me out. You knew I’d say yes.”

“No I didn’t!” Rainbow spluttered, breaking down into choked laughter. “I thought you’d say no, and then I’d be really emo for a while, and then I’d get over it, and then I could stop being a lameazoid around you.”

“You thought I’d say no? And you asked anyway?” The gears turned in Twilight’s head. “But you were so… confident?”

“No I wasn’t!” Rainbow laughed even harder. “I gave you wing-guns and went ‘So, hey, girl’! I was a disaster!”

Twilight blushed redder than the shiraz Rarity was quietly pouring into their glasses. “Well, it worked!”

“Because you’re a dork!” Rainbow protested, and Twilight stuffed her mouth with mushrooms so she couldn’t be expected to answer.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Could I trouble our star for a re-enactment? I really must see this.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and swept her mane back. Then, sharp as a shot, she cracked off her wing-guns and wiggled her eyebrows like epileptic caterpillars. “Hey, girl.”

Much to her chagrin, and something that she would deny to her deathbed, Rarity blushed just as red as Twilight.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash doubled over laughing as Rarity took a slow sip of her shiraz to regain her composure. “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re laughing at.”

“I cannot believe,” Rainbow wheezed, “That worked on you.”

“I am sure you are mistaken,” Rarity dabbed her lips with a napkin, “And I will bury you if you tell another soul otherwise.”

“Twilight? It worked on her huh?” Rainbow elbow-nudged her lead witness.

“That was so lame.” Twilight agreed. “Why does it work.”

“Charisma, baby.” Rainbow leaned back, elbow over the back of her chair, radiating self-esteem like heat-haze. “Some ponies just got it.”

“If what you think happened did, and I am still adamant that it didn’t,” Rarity glanced between them, “but if it did, it would only have been because of the wine.”

“Yeah, probably.” Rainbow admitted with a lopsided shrug. “It’s still funny though.”

“Please,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “It would have worked anyway.”

That caught both Rainbow and Rarity off-guard. “You think?” Rainbow asked.

“Rarity thinks she’s a romantic, but she’s a trashy romantic. It’s why her taste in men is so terrible.” Twilight explained, and to Rarity’s horror, she was using her ‘I’m teaching’ voice. Impossible to stop her now. “You’re a jock. Not just because you’re a star athlete, but because you got that whole undeserved ego and confidence attitude to go with it. So normally you’d be a ten out of ten guilty pleasure for her.” Twilight took a sip of wine, and stared Rarity down like she was looking down a microscope.

“My taste in men isn’t that terrible,” Rarity protested, and to her chagrin, Rainbow paused staring at Twilight long enough to give a side-to-side ‘nyeehhh’ hoof wiggle.

Twilight finished her sip, and turned back to Rainbow. “Except your ego is totally earned, you work really hard to earn it, and you aren’t a bully - you stand up to bullies all the time. You never stop to think about doing the right thing, because you always do it before you can even think about it. Which suits her ‘knight in armor’ fantasies too. So you’re all the spice of a guilty pleasure without any of the guilt. You’re basically the hottest thing she can imagine, except she’d never admit it. You’re like if donuts were good for you.”

Dead silence. You could hear a pin drop.

Rainbow and Rarity both stared at Twilight. She glanced up from the middle of her next bite of mushrooms. “What? That wasn’t obvious?”

“No.” Rarity said slowly.

Rainbow looked downright shell-shocked. “You think I’m a healthy donut?”

“Duh.” Twilight finished her bite, and sipped her wine. She looked at it suspiciously. “Ladies, I think I am an even lighter lightweight than I previously knew myself to be.”

Rarity nodded numbly. “Turnabout is fair play, I guess.”

“Not so fun being the one getting your soul read, is it?” Rainbow grinned. Despite having only had cola to drink all night, she looked the drunkest of the three of them. Twilight’s little dissection there had gone straight to her head.

“Please,” Twilight finished the last of her mushrooms. “You’re just as bad. You didn’t start getting into the girly stuff until we all started being friends, you realize. Clearly you’re projecting an unanalyzed attraction inwards, resulting in a very complicated relationship with ‘feminine’ aesthetics. You think ‘wow, I really like that’, but you mistake trying it for yourself when what you really like is how it looks on others. Especially her.” Twilight rolled her eyes and raised her glass for another sip. Rarity horn glowed as she tactfully intercepted. Twilight’s shock lasted only long enough for her to agree with Rarity's judgement, and discretely tip her wine back into the bottle.

“I should get some water for the table.” Rarity suggested. “And perhaps a dessert menu.”

And just like that, Shorebreak was there again. “Yes?”

“You heard that?” Rainbow was guarded. Needless to say, what she was really asking was how much did you hear.

Shorebreak gave a bashful smile. “No, I just felt I was needed. Just kind of a sixth sense for these things.”

“He is a very good waiter.” Rarity muttered.

“Water and dessert menus, please.” Twilight affirmed Rarity’s judgement. Then. “Oh, uh, one more thing.”

“Yes?” Shorebreak hovered patiently.

Twilight stared at Rarity, flushed. “Nothing.” She said, and looked away.

Rainbow shifted as if she were about to say something, but she looked at her blushing girlfriend, then to Rarity, and then realized something very important.

“Sorry about that,” Rainbow said. “She’s just kind of embarrassed about making a point about us all dating earlier. Still in the honeymoon phase, you know? Kind of new to this.”

She realized that this was a joke that Rarity had started as a way to get even, and now she had a score to settle for that bloody soul read they were just subjected to. Rainbow winked at Rarity, as Twilight tried to turn invisible through sheer force of will.

Shorebreak blinked, then chuckled and waved it off. “Please, I totally get it.” He said to Twilight, so sincerely. “You handled it very well. Some couples come here for their first date, and they’re trying out the word ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ for the first time, and it’s all they’ll say. I think it’s very sweet, actually. Though, not as sweet as our cherry clafoutis, which I highly recommend.”

“Thank-you-I’ll-have-that-please.” Twilight spilled it out as one word.

“Actually, I believe my Princess would prefer the lemon-ricotta souffle,” Rarity dripped and honey-glazed the ‘my’ in ‘my princess’, “And our dashing Wonderbolt will have the poached pair in caramel. I’ll just have a coffee and shortbread please?” She winked at Twilight. “That wonderful wine seems to have gone straight to our heads, as well it should, and that might just be the ticket to cut through. I believe it would pair very well with the richness of the souffle as well, Twilight?”

Twilight heard the offer, thought it over, and turned it down. She cleared her throat from the lump forming in it. “I think I’m fine, actually. Just the water would be perfect.”

“Of course.” And again, Shorebreak bounced off with a hop and a skip.

Twilight covered her face in her hooves. “What the heck was that.” It was not a question. Then, to Dash. “Why did you join in?”

“Rarity was right, it’s really, really funny.” Dash shrugged effortlessly. She raised her cola glass in a toast, and Rarity clinked her wineglass against it.

“Three chances, and still you didn’t correct him.” Rarity observed. “I thought my notion was being entertaining, not being entertained.”

Twilight blushed to the tips of her ears. Rainbow poked her, but it didn’t do anything. Rainbow shrugged. “We’re just teasing.”

“Yes, you are.” Twilight turned and glared daggers at Rainbow. “You are teasing me. It was bad enough when it was just her, but now you’re ganging up on me?”

“If I may cut in again,” Rarity tapped the table for emphasis, almost like she were clicking a pen to take a note. “I noticed not only did you not correct him, but you’re not interested in the coffee? It would do wonders for the tipsiness.”

Twilight squeezed her eyes shut, took a steadying breath in. Let it out. Dash had to bite her bottom lip to stop from laughing. “Yes,” Twilight started, “Because being a bit tipsy is a very good excuse, and I want to keep it.”

“Excuse for what?” Rarity asked, and was extremely frustrated that Dash seemed to understand something she did not.

“Oh my gosh, get out.” Dash giggled. Twilight kept glaring at her, and Dash went quiet. “No way, you’re serious?”

“Serious about what?” Rarity asked again. And then Twilight was looking helplessly at Dash, and Dash was deathly quiet.

Finally, Dash cleared her throat. “What I think Twilight’s worried about, is that was the first time we lied to the waiter. Which would be bad, because he’s very nice. But she doesn’t want to stop our fun.”

“Ah, I see.” Rarity said, trusting that she would in just a moment. Then the moment passed, and she still couldn’t. It seemed like there was more to it than that. “Well, then, by all means. If it’s with her blessing, shall we continue?”

Twilight’s eyes went wide with panic, and Rainbow wore a grin that Rarity did not understand. She knew why Rainbow would grin, of course, what she did not understand is that the grin seemed to be at Rarity’s expense. Hadn’t they been ganging up on Twilight…? “Yeah, Rarity. We’re having fun aren’t we?”

“I was.” Rarity hesitated. “Yes.”

Then Shorebreak was back again with the bottle of water. A quick look around the table, only Dash shook her head, so two glasses were filled. “No ice, but the bottle is chilled. I can get ice, though, if it’s preferred?”

“Just chilled is perfect, thank you.” Rarity took a second to answer, and she realized why. She had grown so used to Twilight being the one to reply at this point, but the Princess was… incapacitated, it seemed. She didn’t even try at her usual objection at this point.

Shorebreak stayed a second longer, puzzled, but didn’t seem to work out what he wanted to ask. This time he didn’t disappear so much as just walk away. Curious.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow to Rarity. “Got Twilight’s blessing and you didn’t keep the joke going, huh? Less funny, now?”

“Of course it’s less funny now.” Rarity huffed. “Comedy requires escalation. There was nowhere further to take it.” She felt so sure of that, until blasted Rainbow had to go and look like she had ideas. “Was there?”

“I can think of a few.” Rainbow grinned. “Twilight was thinking of them too. I think she’s in on it now, right?”

Twilight’s face didn’t rise from her hooves. “Shut up. I’m tipsy, what’s your excuse?”

“I don’t need one.” Rainbow blew on a hooftip and buffed it against her chest. “I’m just that powerful.”

“I don’t need one.” Twilight clarified. “I just want one.”

“Why?” Rainbow nudged her again.

Twilight raised her head for another absolutely withering glare. “Because I am a coward.”

“No you’re not.” Rainbow laughed again. “Twi, are you kidding, like one of the first things I ever saw you do was charge Nightmare Moon headfirst. You’re awesome.”

Twilight didn’t have an answer for that except to slide her glass of water closer and gulp down half of it. Rarity decided to finish her wine. Well, why not? Otherwise she was about to have three different drinks in front of her, and that would have looked silly. Besides she was clearly handling… something better than Twilight was. The alcohol, at least.

The sober part of her mind suggested she think a little bit harder about why she had decided that ‘three’ seemed silly, and why she chose to finish the wine instead of the water. Rarity was blessedly able to ignore it. Rainbow had given her a challenge of escalation, and that seemed far more important right now.

“Rainbow?”

“Mm?” Rainbow just kept grinning.

“We will not do anything so gauche as pet names. There’s escalation, and there’s laying it on thick. Right?”

“Well, yeah. Wouldn’t want to make it sound forced.” Rainbow agreed. “Obviously we just got to play it cool. Be natural. You know.”

“I do.” Rarity agreed. “And we’re a bit old to start playing hoofsie under the table.”

Rainbow’s eyes went wide, and Twilight’s sulk went even deeper. “Ah, wait, are we? Because Twilight and I have kind of been doing that the whole time.”

“Drat.” Rarity winced. “Well. I suppose that’s fine then. Holding hoofs also seems a little… banal, almost. A bit cute.” She said it with the same inflection she would use for the words ‘quaint’ or ‘rustic’. “It’s not a particularly interesting escalation, is it?”

“Nah, not really.” Rainbow agreed. “You got to think though. Like, the joke is he thinks we’re dating, right? If it’s just stuff that looks like dating, it’s fake. If we were going out, though, what would that look like?”

Rarity considered that. “That’s much harder. See my problem is, there isn’t really much I would change, is there?” She wondered. “It would probably look exactly like this, anyway. Which makes Shorebreak’s mistake much more understandable.”

“Yeah, mistake,” Rainbow agreed. “Maybe that’s the joke, that it’s an easy mistake to make, right?”

There were parts of Rarity’s brain that were being a complete buzz kill, and as much as she had been ignoring them so far, they did provide an excellent question for her to ask. “Hang on a tick. I thought this started as a joke I was playing on you two. And then it was a joke we were playing on Twilight. When did this become a joke we were playing on Shorebreak?”

“It didn’t.” Rainbow grinned and grinned and grinned and grinned. “So anyway, dessert’s here.”

And before Rarity could ask what exactly Rainbow Dash had meant, Shorebreak was already sliding her coffee in front of her. She sipped it, realizing that maybe, just maybe, she should stop ignoring the warning parts of her brain.

Twilight began toying with her souffle without a word, still not looking up, still as red as the dregs of shiraz in her wine glass. Rainbow nodded approvingly at her pear, but didn’t make a move to touch it yet. It was clear she didn’t want to risk a moment while Shorebreak was still here.

The waiter’s smile faltered. “Ah, I hate to bring it up, but there is the matter of the bill. Would you prefer it split, or…”

“Rarity’s got it.” Rainbow winked outrageously at Rarity when she said it. “First date rules, this is her treat.”

Rarity did not flinch. “Of course. It’s only fair, it was my choice of venue.”

“I didn’t realize!” Shorebreak’s beaky smile was back with vengeance, threatening to engulf everything chin-to-cheek. “Well, congratulations, I hope it went well. The way you’d made it sound…” He trailed off.

Rainbow waved it off. “Nah, Twilight and I have been dating for a while. It’s just our first with Rarity. You know?”

“Of course.” The hippogriff was almost vibrating on Rarity’s behalf now.

Then, to Rarity’s shock, Twilight gave him a wobbly smile. “The evening was perfect, thank you. You were more invaluable towards that than you could know.”

The young man swooned at that. “Then I’ll have to trust your word, on that, your Majesty.”

“She’s a Majesty now?” Rainbow teased, and it was the waiter’s turn to look bashful. “Don’t worry, I get it. She has that effect.”

Twilight awkwardly played with her souffle. “I don’t mind. If you’ve made the night more special than it might have been otherwise, then it’s only fair I let you think I’m more special than I might be otherwise. You deserve to be proud of this.”

Stars, she was so gracious, wasn’t she? Shorebreak swooned, and Rarity tried not to make a show of her own. Devastatingly, Twilight noticed, and that wobbly smile flickered wider for the span of a thumping heartbeat.

“Well, I won’t interrupt the special evening any further.” He slipped the bill into Rarity’s lap. “Well done, Lady Rarity.” He whispered as he did, and as he skipped away he spared one last giddy smile over his shoulder.

Rarity cleared her throat. “I suppose it would be my turn to ask ‘what the heck was that’, though unlike Twilight, I don’t already know the answer.”

“Yeah you do.” Rainbow said.

“Yes, you do.” Twilight agreed.

She sipped her coffee, excavating those buzzkill parts of her brain. Which turned out to not be buzzkills after all, more the fool her for ignoring them. With the fullness of hindsight, their observations had stopped sounded like warnings and were realized as enticements.

Of course she had chosen to ignore noticing that they had all stopped joking about half an hour ago. Had she listened to those thoughts just a little longer, though, she would have realized that nobody had stopped things, either, least of all her. Probably for the best. She would have frozen up like poor Twilight.

Ah.

“I am now realizing what Twilight was actually referring to, about needing an excuse.” Rarity pulled out of herself slowly. “She was not actually feeling bad about us lying to the waiter, was she?”

“Heck no.” Rainbow answered on Twilight’s behalf. The poor girl was pointedly eating her souffle, after all. “We never lied. She was just waiting for you to notice.”

Twilight swallowed her mouthful, looked at Rarity with a moment of… almost terror, as she steeled herself. The terror was replaced by an absolute calm. Twilight made a clicking noise as she pulled out a pair of wing-guns and fired both-barrels at Rarity. “So, hey, girl.”

Rarity astral projected. Her soul was blown out of her body. She felt like she was looking down at herself from above. It was bad enough that had worked on her the first time, but it was unforgivable that it had worked twice.

Rainbow Dash fell under the table from laughing so hard she couldn’t hold herself up anymore. She only managed to crawl back up so she could take a few more bites of her pear.

“Rarity knows our tastes really well, doesn’t she?” Twilight took another happy bite of her souffle.

“Kind of incredible how well she nailed us.” Dash was even taking smaller bites, so she could savour them. “How’d she know I love pears? I never let that slip anywhere Applejack could find out.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say she planned this.” Twilight giggled. She was still blushing to the tips of her ears, she was just carrying it better. “It would have been a good plan, too.”

Rarity returned to herself, at last. “The good plan. The great improvise.” She had won a game she didn’t even know she was playing. What sense was there in missing her victory lap?

“So I’m just ‘good’ am I?” Twilight teased.

“The goodest I know.” Rarity matched her, sincerely. “As contrasted against myself, the wicked seducer of a happy couple.”

Twilight raised her spoon to fire back, but had nothing. She admitted defeat by taking the last bite of souffle, then letting her spoon fall and rattle against the empty ramekin. “Well you did, Rarity the great and wicked.”

“Dang.” Rainbow nodded approvingly. She rushed her last few bites, then dabbed her napkin at, lips sticky with caramel. “Gotta say, great opening, little weak on the landing, but that recovery? Perfect. Flawless.”

Why had Rainbow rushed the last of it, Rarity wondered, unless it were to leave. Why, when things were clearly going so well…?

Ah.

“Well, as this began as a joke, and the essence of comedy is in the escalation,” Rarity pulled her purse out. The bill was exorbitant, obviously, but she didn’t even wince. It was the best she had spent her bits in her life. “Then I expect you’ll both be walking me back to my place, for the evening?”

Twilight nodded before her brain caught up to her, and she gave a wide-eyed glance to Dash, who was no help at all. Dash was already pulling her chair out, and moving to help Twilight with hers. “You read my mind.”

“I am realizing it’s where I’ve been getting a lot of my ideas, tonight.” Rarity said. “Credit where it’s due.”

“Dang, my genius really is recognized in my lifetime.” Dash winked at Rarity as she tucked a happy but mostly confused Twilight under a wing. “I’ll let you take the credit though.”

“I feel like I’m missing something again?” Twilight looked between the other two, as Rarity decided which of the two to walk next to as they left the now-empty restaurant, past Shorebreak pretending not to glance as he bussed tables. Ever the professional.

Rarity decided next to Twilight, so she and Rainbow could conspire over the top of the Princess’s head. She was surprised, but happily so, when Twilight was confident enough to wrap her own wing lightly around Rarity as they walked. Best not ruin it by telling her Princess what she’d been thinking. “Nothing important. Just a joke you were already in on.”

Twilight kissed her cheek.