Derpy's Cardboard Castle

by Britanon

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Profanity, Slice of Life
Length: 5574

Anon and Derpy make a cardboard box fort. Things escalate a little bit unexpectedly from there.

From all her time working as a mail mare, Derpy has acquired quite some expertise in cardboard boxes and uses her talents to create the most indomitable cardboard box fort right in Anon's garden. All is fun and games until Equestria's aristocracy gets wind of it and decide it poses a credible threat to their power and reputation.

Originally written for the Kinderquestria thread, where the cute, childlike innocence of ponies is taken to it's absolute comedic extent.

Published 2023-01-22 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-22 23:20:01 UTC

Derpy's Cardboard Castle

To say you were amazed would be an understatement. You had just finished moving into your new house, refurbished specially to accommodate a large biped of your size after you got sick of smacking your head off of doorframes. Naturally this meant a whole lot of empty boxes, and Derpy, the local friendly mailmare, had suggested the perfect use for them. In all your time here, the greatest artistic prowess you had come to expect from the little ponies was crude macaroni pictures and crayon drawings, and when she said she wanted to make a box fort on your front lawn you had expected maybe just a few of the boxes stacked together with a couple of holes cut for windows and doors.

What you found when you stepped out of your front door was a literal fortress. It was practically as tall as your house, complete with turrets, arrow slits and even a functioning draw bridge. The damn thing even had a "dungeon", which was just a large box in the corner of the small castle's courtyard labelled 'time out box'. What made it even more impressive was that she had somehow cobbled the entire thing together in the time it took you to go and bake some muffins as thanks for her helping you to move all your stuff. For a mare that could be considered scatterbrained and clumsy at the best of times, you never in your life would have thought she had it in her to construct a masterpiece such as this, and when you asked how on earth she did it, she just laughed and said she was "good at boxes and stuff". Sure she was a mailmare and all, but you'd handled boxes in a warehouse for a few years back on earth and could never hope of making anything even close to that.

You played with her in the box fortress all afternoon and into the evening, pretending you were knights and nobles or making small adjustments and improvements to the fort. Each day after that Derpy would come over to play, either after her shift ended or on her days off. You were constantly expanding the fort each day, even going around collecting empty boxes from around the neighbourhood to expand it, and eventually it took over almost your entire garden. Your front door opened directly into the castle's courtyard and the walls were as high as the roof, and were now complete with stairs and walkways that could somehow support your weight despite being made almost entirely of cardboard. Some people might have complained about having their entire garden covered in cardboard, but all you felt was an immense pride at having what had to be the coolest fucking box fort in all of Equestria in your garden. It was so cool you bet it even made the actual nobles who lived in real castles jealous.

Your royal court had also expanded throughout the week, with many of yours and Derpy's friends and co-workers coming over to play pretend and have tea parties and such. Ponies walking by would stop and stare in awe, and you would invite them in to join in on the fun. It was actually rapidly becoming a local tourist attraction in Ponyville, and word was starting to spread farther afield. As the word spread, ponies came from farther and farther away to marvel at Derpy's creation and play inside the fort with you, though what you didn't know was the trouble which it was about to cause.

Apparently the box fort was so big and impressive that it had thrown the local authorities into chaos, as it could now be considered to be a legitimate castle, and due to some weird Equestrian laws you and Derpy could technically be considered Nobles now. This inevitably made a bunch of the actual Nobles of Equestria incredibly jealous, and more than a few of them had come over trying to insult you or demanding that you tear the whole thing down. You had simply taunted them and made rude gestures from the castle walls; there was no way in hell they would actually come inside to do anything about it.

For a start you had a functioning draw bridge that you could raise, and the little pones weren't strong enough to barge through the solid cardboard door. There was also the fact that this was still your private property, so on top of getting in trouble with the law if they entered without your consent, they would also have to contend with the big strong freaky alien who owned the place. Several of the pesky little pones had already tried to sneak in, only to practically wet themselves and run away crying as they saw you towering over them with a disapproving glare. Over time you felt like this could become somewhat of an annoyance; you didn't want to have to guard your property full time just to keep some jealous little snobs out, but at the same time woe betide anyone who thought they could mess with Derpy's kickass castle.

For the time being at least it was still fun and games though. You enjoyed the company it brought as yours and Derpy's friends came to play in it every day, and the fact that you actually had a reason to stand and guard it made the games more fun than just battling pretend monsters and stuff. The main thing that actually concerned you about it was the effect the weather would have, as you didn't want a storm to come and reduce the entire thing to cardboard sludge all over your garden, but Derpy and her friends came up with a fairly simple yet ingenious solution. Several of her unicorn friends knew spells to make the cardboard water resistant, and and Derpy and her other pegasus friends said they would do their best to clear any clouds over your house if a storm did come. With their combined efforts the cardboard should stay dry and intact through anything, meaning that you could keep this sweet castle and piss of the snotty nobility indefinitely.

The days went by, and the box fort continued to attract an ever growing amount of tourists and ponies come to marvel at it. The number of incursions also increased, ranging from single ponies trying to sneak in or berate you from afar, to a few small groups who seemed to be more daring. A few of them had attempted to storm the fort by force with foam swords and spears, but they were still too weak to break in or cause any real damage.

As a result, you had increased the castle's defences; the regulars who came over to play were all armed with their own foam weaponry, and your castle's new armoury was equipped with spitball guns, water guns, foam nerf darts and cans of silly string spray. You also had a few spare boxes that you could drop from the walls onto any ponies that got too close, which usually tended to make them freak out as they were suddenly plunged into darkness and ran around colliding with everything around them as they panicked. Some may have called this overkill, however Twilight always loved to remind you that there was no such thing as being over-prepared so you had decided to take her words to heart, and today you were thanking Celestia that you did.

It was a day like any other, as Derpy and the 15 or so assorted ponies played in the castle whilst you took your turn standing watch on top of the walls. They were currently having another tea party, and your nose twitched as you smelled fresh muffins being brought out of your kitchen on a tray. You were just about to jump down and join them for a bite to eat when something in the distance caught your eye. A large plume of dust was being kicked up on the road leading out of town, and as you stood there and watched it seemed to be getting closer and growing in size. As you surveyed the dust plume you could make out the indistinct shapes of colourful ponies, a rather large group from the looks of it, all banded together and kicking up the immense dust cloud that had initially caught your attention. You felt a sinking feeling in your gut.

Ponies certainly liked to form their angry mobs from time to time, but you usually stayed well clear of them since the matters that riled them up were usually trivial and didn't effect you, and you didn't like the shouting and the hassle. The longer you watched, however, the more it began to dawn on you that this mob in particular seemed to be headed straight towards your house.

"Uhhhh, guys, we might have a bit of a problem here!" You called down into the castle's courtyard.

You continued to observe the crowd as Derpy flew up beside you, and a few of the other ponies began to climb up to see for themselves what was going on, their ears pointed at attention and concern evident on their faces. By now the mob was getting close enough that you could make out more specific features, and what you saw troubled you even further. The first and foremost thing that caught your eye were the banners they were waving; elaborately decorated flags fluttering in the breeze that bore the sigils of some of the noble houses you were familiar with. Some you didn't recognise, but you gulped as it was immediately evident that they were definitely coming for you.

The next thing you saw was their assorted armour and weaponry. Most wore crude cardboard armour, however a few sported some made out of foam or had tied pillows around themselves. Between them they carried an assortment of foam swords and spears, bows and water guns; more or less the same as what you had except there had to be at least around 60 or 70 of them, compared to less than 20 of you.

The ponies around you began to panic as they saw the mob drawing near.

"W-what are we gonna do!"

"There's so many of them!"

"Th-they're gonna tear down the castle!"

Not on your watch. You could understand if your neighbours or other townsponies wanted the box fort taken down if it was deemed to be an eyesore, but jealous nobles were a totally different matter. Besides, your neighbours were right here playing in the fort with you, they thought it was awesome! These rich snobs could come and taste your cold steel! ....uh, foam...

"Everypony get to the armoury, grab whatever you can and take up positions on the wall!" You yelled, barking out the orders to get everypony moving.

Most did as instructed, however a few stayed staring at you, their ears splayed back in panic and their eyes afraid and uncertain.

"Anon, we can't fight them! There's so many!" Roseluck cried as her sisters stood there trembling behind her shaking their heads in agreement.

"We can and will Roseluck", you replied with confidence, "I'm not about to let some stuck up rich kids tear down this masterpiece! You can hide inside the house if you want to, but the only other option is to try and leave through that mob, and I don't think they're too happy with us right now!"

The group of mares looked around nervously, weighing up their options. You fully expected them to dart inside and hide under your massive human sized bed, but eventually they shakily agreed.

"O-okay, we'll help. There's no way I'm going out there-" She gestured to the crowd with her hoof. "A-and I don't want to hide in your house and leave you guys by yourselves".

You admired her resolve; you knew these three mares in particular could be very skittish. It took them a full month after you arrived in Equestria to actually work up the courage to even talk to you, but since then they had become quite close friends of yours.

"Thanks girls, it means a lot" You smiled at them proudly. "Now go and get geared up!"

"Y-yes sir" They said in unison, giving you a mock salute and bolting down to the armoury.

By now most of your group had armed themselves and were beginning to take up positions along the walls, and just in the nick of time too. The mob of nobles was making their way down your street, almost at your garden. As one they abruptly halted, and their leader emerged from the crowd, stepping forth up to your garden gate to issue his demands.

"Anonymous! Miss Hooves! I, Earl Snot Nose the Fourth, have come to demand the immediate surrender of you and your court!" He yelled up at the walls. You snickered at his name as he continued. "You shall lay down your arms and come out peacefully, and you shall then help to tear down this ghastly eyesore you call a castle!"

"Why? What gives you the right?" You yelled back down to him. "This is my property, I can do what I want on it!"

Snot Nose snorted and stomped his hoof in frustration.

"The simple fact that it is your property does not give you the right to build a crude fortress and try to establish yourself as a noble!" he spat. "A mere peasant cannot simply gain his status and put himself on our level of prestige and importance through the use of cardboard and basic crafting equipment! It's an outrage and a disgrace, and we shall not stand for it!"

"Sounds like somepony's jealous" You laughed. You couldn't actually care less about being a noble or an aristocrat or anything of the sort, you just liked playing with Derpy in the cool castle that she made, and you weren't about to let some random ponies come and spoil her fun.

"Jealous? Jealous?!" He cried, stomping his hoofsies in the dirt. You could swear you saw steam coming out of his ears as his face went bright red. "You're tarnishing our reputation and our good names! Cease this ridiculous charade and come out here at once! I demand it!"

You turned to Derpy in mock discussion, who had taken her place next to you to observe the scene. You both nodded your wordless agreement to each other, then turned back to Earl Snot Nose as you both blew a massive raspberry at him. The sheer incredulity and outrage on his face almost had you bent double with laughter as his entourage "Ooooh"-ed and recoiled in horror at the vicious taunting.

"Th-That's it then!" He screamed in rage. "We'll see who's laughing soon enough!"

If you had to guess, it would still be you.

As he stomped his way back to his group you commanded your own to make ready. Foam arrows were nocked, spitballs were spat into blowpipes and other ponies were pumping their water guns or readying cans of silly string. Your garden was gonna be absolutely trashed after this, but your heart pounded in excitement. This was shaping up to be a whole lot of fun.

The crowd of nobles, aristocrats and fancy ponies outside your house were also making themselves ready, prepping their weapons and armour and forming into lines to begin their assault. They had an aura of haughtiness and discipline, but you were sure that their orderly formations would break as soon as the foam started flying.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a loud, irritating noise. You looked down, and spotted Snot Nose blowing into a large kazoo. Really, for all their fancy smugness they didn't even have a horn or a trumpet, they were using a fucking kazoo. You were so caught up in another laughing fit that you almost missed the scream of "Chaaaaarge!" until your head snapped up and you saw the first line of ponies barrelling towards you.

"Loose!" you yelled frantically, and looked around for your own projectile weapon that you had been far too distracted to actually go and get. Foam arrows, spit balls and string flew back and forth overhead as you looked around frantically, until Derpy patted you on the shoulder. You turned to her, and in her mouth you saw what could only be considered a war crime in Equestria. A water bomb.

Looking down, you saw that she had an entire bucket of them prepared, and you grinned at her deviously. You picked one up and stuck your head over the parapet to see what was becoming of the first assault. Several had turned and fled already, foam darts and spitballs bouncing off them as they squealed and flinched from the slight impacts. A couple were flailing around helplessly, trying to claw off silly string that had stuck all over them as they were continuously pelted.

"It's in my mane! Oh Celestia it's stuck in my mane!" You heard the dismayed cries of a mare, her impeccably styled mane now gunked up and messy as she pulled at it futilely. The archers on the opposing side desperately returned fire, however the majority of it either struck the walls or sailed harmlessly overhead. You stayed low to avoid the barrage of nerf darts and spitballs, then popped up to hurl a water bomb at a couple of ponies who had made it close to the front gate. You scored a direct hit right on a mare's back, soaking her and splashing the stallion next to her. The mare shrieked and wailed as her cardboard armour soaked through, and the bright pink paint she had used to decorate it with began to seep into her coat. The stallion, seeing the horror of the mare's immaculate coat being stained with paint, gagged in revulsion and then began to drag her away as she continued screaming.

As the first wave began to thin out, the kazoo of war blasted again and another onslaught of ponies began rushing towards you. There were more this time, several of them sporting cardboard shields which they used to deflect the volleys of spitballs and nerf darts flying towards them. The water guns were somewhat useful at weakening them and reducing some of them to mush, however they continued to push closer and closer. As some groups of them reached the castle walls they were followed up by ponies with ladders, who set them up and prepared to climb.

You lobbed water bombs down at them as several others continuously sprayed them with water and silly string, but these guys were hardcore. Some of them broke and fled, however it seemed like the majority of this group could stand getting a little wet and having their expensive styled manes ruined. They ascended, but as a stallion reached the top you drew your inflatable sword and bapped him on the head several times. By the third blow he had dropped his own weapon and was using his hooves to shield his face, crying out for you to stop and for his comrades to let him down. Not wanting to actually hurt the poor pony you ceased your attack and let him go back down, and then repeated the process for the next several ponies who tried to climb up the same ladder.

Looking around you saw the same scene playing out in all the other spots where they had managed to put up ladders. A pony climbed up, got bonked on the head several times, then cried to go back down and ran away to be replaced with another pony who did the exact same thing. If any of these guys could handle the slight pain of being whacked on the head with a foam sword then your defence might actually be in jeopardy, but so far you were smashing them. Your own losses were actually surprisingly few so far, just a couple who you had seen take a foam dart or a spitball to the face and had been dragged back inside your house by their friends to be tended to. Being a considerably larger target you had felt yourself get struck by more than a few, but you weren't a precious little kinderpone and could brush off such brutal injuries with ease.

Another blast of the kazoo snapped your attention away again, and you saw the third and final wave coming in led by Snot Nose himself. To your complete dismay they seemed to have made some sort of a battering ram that looked like it may actually be able to punch through the sturdy carboard door. It was crudely made of course, and they had used some fairly flimsy looking wood, but since the door was just a few thick pieces of corrugated cardboard glued together it might actually do the trick for them. If they breached the door then you'd have to deal with these annoying nobles running wild all over your castle, and you swore to Celestia that you wouldn't be held responsible for your actions if any of them actually got inside your house and started trashing the place. You wouldn't put it past these little brats.

But with the ponies climbing the walls already causing such a distraction and the few losses you had taken from the constant rain of arrows and spitballs, you struggled to think of any way you could actually stop them in time before they reached the door. You could also see that several of your defenders had run out of foam darts, and empty cans of silly string were littering the floor. There was no way you could run out of spitballs since it was just chewed up bits of paper, however their effectiveness was limited due to their short range and weak impact. The main effect they had was the 'icky grossness' of being hit with somepony else's spit, however as the battle went on the attackers were becoming more hardened against such things.

Despite all this, a plan did begin to take shape in your head. It was time to pull out the big guns and end this once and for all. You gathered up all the ponies who weren't actively engaged in swatting the attackers off their ladders or raining down their remaining foam arrows. There were eight of you in total, and once you'd gathered them all you began to give out your instructions. You sent Lyra, Bonbon and Amethyst to go and fill up as many buckets of water as they could and bring them back up to the top of the gate. In the mean time you, Derpy and Time Turner would drag some of the spare larger boxes up there whilst Roseluck and Daisy went to collect all the spare foam darts and ammunition they could find. The nobles might breach the gate alright, but you were now certain that they would not like what they found once they got inside.

As the gathered items began to stack up, the battering ram finally made it to the gate, and you felt the catwalk shudder beneath your feet as it slammed against the door. You lobbed your few remaining water bombs down, drenching a couple and causing them to flee in dismay, however there was still a rather large group of persistent nobles trying to breach. The ladders also still had groups of ponies trying to climb up, though their attempts were slacking off a bit due to the lack of success they were finding. A pony climbing a ladder could hardly wield a foam weapon effectively, so all it was taking to hold them off was a few of your own waiting at the top to bonk them before they could climb over the edge, but due to their lack of creativity they kept persisting with the same strategy. There was another shudder as the ram was heaved against the door again, and you heard the cardboard begin to creak and give as it was pushed inwards. Another couple of hits and the whole door would likely give way.

At that moment you saw Lyra, Bonbon and Amethyst Star come charging through your front door, several buckets and containers filled with water balanced on their backs or held in the telekinesis of the two unicorns. They rushed up to you, panting and heaving as they deposited them all at your feet. The supplies were all now gathered, and the trap was set. You then instructed everyone in the group to go and form a horseshoe shaped perimeter around the door in the courtyard, ready for when they breached. You, Derpy and Time Turner would remain on the wall above the door to spring the trap, and the defenders fending the attackers off the ladders would stay to make sure nopony climbed up behind you.

You heard a shout of "Heave!" from Snot Nose before you felt the impact of a final almighty slam beneath your feet, and finally the door gave way, the cardboard tearing and buckling inwards. There were cheers from outside as the attackers celebrated their imminent success, and you saw your assembled kin in the courtyard balk in fear and prepare to defend themselves as you readied a large bucket of water in your hands. The battering ram was pulled out of the way, and all at once several ponies came charging into the courtyard led by none other than Snot Nose. As the defenders braced you upended your bucket of water, and Derpy did the same with another. There was a colossal "Splooosh!" as the nobles were all immediately soaked to the bone, and they began to cry out and shriek in horror as Time Turner started kicking empty boxes down on top of them.

Soaking wet, cold, and now plunged into darkness, the attackers in the courtyard fell into a state of complete hysteria and disarray. Those who had not been boxed either stood dumbstruck at how suddenly and thoroughly they had been drenched or tried to run back out the door which was now being clogged by more waves of attackers trying to get in. The ponies trapped under boxes ran around like headless chickens, bumping into everyone, getting in the way and tripping over as they charged about in blind panic. You laughed maniacally, continuing to dump buckets of cold tap water over the congested ponies in the doorway as they screamed and scrambled over one another. The grass under their hooves was rapidly being reduced to a slippery muddy marsh, sowing absolute chaos as ponies slipped and coated themselves in filth. Their morale was shattered, and the nobles all began to turn tail and flee as your defenders beat at them with foam swords and spears and fired off the last of their ammunition at the retreating mob. There were victorious cheers and whoops from your friends as the battle began to turn, and more than a few rude taunts and raspberries blown as the sodden, disheartened nobles all ran away. All except the few who were still trapped under boxes, who had mostly given up on running around bouncing off of everything and resigned themselves to laying on the ground in defeat. You confidently strode back down from the wall into the courtyard, a massive grin plastered over your face as your friends and fellow defenders matched you with their own weary smiles. The day was surely won, and now was time to deal with the aftermath.

You lifted a few of the boxes off the trapped ponies, who immediately scampered for the caved in door and bolted away, their tails tucked between their legs. From the last box however, you heard some weak cries and mumbles.

"W-who's there? Did we win? Let me out this instant!"

You recognised that voice. It was Snot Nose. You lifted the box free and saw the uppity noble huddled in a ball, his wet mane plastered all over his face as he shivered from the cold and squinted at the sudden light pouring into his eyes. As he met your gaze he gulped in fear, huddling further into himself.

"S-so I ummm... I s-suppose we lost?" He muttered, his teeth beginning to chatter either from the cold or the fear he was feeling at having you tower over him.

"That you did" You replied, your voice flat and neutral as you gave him a disapproving stare. "Somepony fetch this stallion a towel, we're going to have a little chat and negotiate the terms of his surrender".

He flinched at the mention of surrender. He had thought he was on the cusp of victory, only to be taken as your prisoner and reduced to a pitiful, shivering wreck. And true to his name he sniffled and you could see streaks of snot coming from his snoot, mixing with the water dripping down his face and making him look quite the sorry sight. As Derpy hurried off to grab a towel from inside your house you outlined your demands to Snot Nose.

Your castle would not be taken down, and you had further plans to repair and improve upon it. The constant harassment from the nobles would cease and they would all go back home to wherever they came from, and you warned him that any further incursions or attacks from them would meet the same fate, if not worse. And finally, you demanded that he make a public apology in the town square, both to you and your friends for laying siege to your house and causing so much distress, and to the greater town at large for causing such a ruckus by leading a large mob through it. For your part, you informed him that neither you or Derpy even wanted to be nobles in the first place, and were quite content to be left alone to play in the castle. You certainly didn't want invitations to any of their fancy balls or functions, or any more snobs up in your business.

He begrudgingly accepted your demands, however he seemed considerably more relieved and at ease after you promised him that just because you now had a castle and were technically nobles, you had absolutely no intention of trying to mingle with the aristocracy or meddle with their business. As Derpy returned and draped the towel over him his shivering eased off, and he stood on shaky hooves. You escorted him to the gate, and before he left he took a moment to look around and survey the damage he had caused. You did the same, seeing the absolute mess that had become of your garden and the street surrounding your house.

The grass had all been reduced to mud, soaked by the water barrages and trampled by countless hooves, and there were foam darts and trails of silly string all over the place as well as mushed up piles of cardboard that had once been used as shields or armour. Despite it all, however, the castle still stood. It was marred and dented everywhere and the front gate obviously needed replacing, and it was definitely going to take a while to patch it all up and make it look nice again, but despite everything that had happened it stood proudly. It was a marvel of engineering, and you were convinced that Derpy was in the wrong profession working for the mail service.

Snot Nose turned to you at the gate and stretched his hoof out. "I suppose this is it then, Anonymous. You have bested us fair and square, and I concede to your demands. I, Earl Snot Nose the Fourth, shall not be bothering you again. Farewell".

You shook his outstretched hoof gladly. In the face of all the carnage he had wrought and the colossal mess he had made, you'd had an absolute blast. You still had to put on a stern face to keep up appearances, but deep down this entire day had been a ton of fun. Who else can claim that they'd had nearly a hundred ponies come and lay siege to their towering box fortress in some epic scale LARP battle? And despite being outnumbered nearly four to one, you'd won!

Sure you were probably gonna have to spend the next few days cleaning all this up and apologising to everypony on your street for the mess you'd made, but it had been absolutely worth it. You were almost tempted to go back on your demand that he not bother you again and ask if you could rebook the same thing for next year, though you felt like you might get a few angry words from Mayor Mare or Twilight Sparkle for it.

So you shook his hoof and left him to trudge back to his sullen, dirty, disheartened band of nobles who were gathered in the street waiting for him, tending to their bruises and trying to scrub off some of the dirt that had ingrained into their fur.

"Farewell Snot Nose" You smiled. "And don't come back!"

And with that, you turned back to your weary group of friends to go and celebrate your heroic victory. There were muffins to be eaten and tea to be drunk, and as the late afternoon began to turn into evening, you were sure the cleaning up could wait until tomorrow.