The tall, near surreal architecture of Canterlot became looming shadows as the moon shone high; flickering street lights were all to accompany it. It was surprisingly empty, given the city. Aside from the distant hooting of owls or mumblings of guards on night duty, there was only the calm silence that always seemed to saturate the night.
It was beautiful, objectively, but it did nothing to shake the feelings that swirled within Moondancer. A strange mix of both positive, and negative. Happy memories of the party nigh hours before made her feel happier than she had felt in a very long time, but uneasiness tangled with it until her heart felt like a big jumbled up algebra equation that she should've figured out hours ago, but was still stuck.
In any other circumstance, Moondancer would push those feelings aside to intend to dwell on them later. But it was kind of hard to do that when the Princess of Friendship and her past best friend was walking alongside her.
"...and then, if you remember, Lemon Hearts got her head stuck in a beaker much too small for it!" The alicorn made small talk in the silence as Moondancer made vague hums of acknowledgement. "Mr. Jacob's Ladder spent the rest of the day trying to transfigure it off of her! I swear, she had a marking around her neck for months afterwards."
"Yeah, that's cool." The unicorn replied, unable to find any other reasonable answer. Commentary was never her strong suit, she would admit, especially with a brain currently in the midst of an emotion tornado. Moondancer could already feel a headache starting to pulse near the base of her horn.
Even so, the talk spurred the memory of her friends in the forefront of her mind. Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, Minuette, and even Lyra to an extent were her friends, and to be truthful, the most loyal. But all she could muster, beyond the memories of them as fillies, were vague scenes of them having fun while she was just, well, there. Well, at first Twilight was there to do the same, but...
Her mouth felt sour again, like it always had after she reminisced. Childhood memories of being a dead weight compared to the rest of her group swam within her head, and the unicorn couldn't stop her head from shaking in a vain attempt to wash it all away. Things had been talked about, back at the party. Broken friendships mended, and new ones reinforced. So why was she already dwelling on bad thoughts?
Twilight slowed her steady trot, and Moondancer did the same, to keep in line with the alicorn beside her. Though she looked at the ground, she could sense that the princess's eye's were on her. "Are you doing alright, Moondancer?" she asked, and she could hear the genuine concern that came from her. It felt like another crash against her uneasiness.
Moondancer smiled, and she knew it probably looked forced. "I'm fine! I- I'm just, uhm, tired. Long day, y'know?" She cleared her throat; it was still sore after her breakdown earlier.
With her eyes turned to the alicorn, she could see Twilight giving her a knowing look, as if she knew what was on her mind. "You know," she spoke, "our talk earlier was pretty swift. It's okay if there's still things on your mind. About everything." Moondancer's eyes flicked back towards the ground. "If that's okay."
It was a long, long pause, where Moondancer debated speaking her mind. How would be articulate her feeling of unease, of discomfort, like a puzzle piece that's constantly misaligned? A part of her screamed at her to continue to fib, and lie, until Twilight gave up her questions and they returned to what once was. But, that would be against the whole point of what had happened earlier in the day; and Moondancer was sick and tired of what once was.
Her headache pulsed, and though tidal wave of caution made her hesitate, she eventually spoke.
"I... I feel... guilty." Her ears pinned back against her head, and though she wanted to stop walking, she continued to do so. "Like a dead weight. I've been thinking that every since you've..."
Twilight coughed lightly. "Since I've left?"
"Yeah." Her hooves scuffed the ground, and the algebra question in her mind continued to be unsolved. "I already told you that I was hurt; and I was. I was mad at you, at our other friends, at Nightmare Moon, anything that could take me away from thinking horrible, horrible things about myself."
She lets out a huff, a vague impression of a laugh. "I'm not- I'm not lying when I say that it affected me. But I think in hindsight, a lot of that hate I had was just guilt, and it still is. What are my worries compared to saving Equestria?"
She didn't see Twilight, but she could feel the slight wince from the other mare. Tentatively, she replied "...Your thoughts aren't unjustified just because I went through 'worse' things. You didn't know what was going on."
"It was in the paper the next day." And she could remember it well- after hours of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, counting the popcorn shaped bumps and feeling like the worst pony in the world, she had trudged to the front door to see the mail, and subsequently, the paper. 'NEW ELEMENTS OF HARMONY' plastered all over every page, detailing the heroic deeds of six ponies from Ponyville. The memory leaves her body twisting in awful knots. "I should've gotten over it, I shouldn't of let it..."
Make me a worthless recluse, who does nothing but whinge about trivial problems.
Moondancer continued to speak, not even realizing that the two mares had stopped in their stroll. "I didn't want to feel guilty, or mad, or upset- but I didn't want to feel happiness either. And every time you saved the world from whatever threat, it just made me want to feel even less, because if I did feel, if I felt guilty for pushing everyone away, or hate for you getting everything, then I would just be reinforcing the fact that I'm..."
Her glasses were foggy, vision blurred with unshed, silent tears. She didn't notice she was sitting until she realized that, even with both of the mares sitting down, Twilight was still taller.
"All I ever did was study, not until today. It probably wasn't even studying, looking back. It was more of a fugue state."
Twilight did not smile at her terms of words. Instead, she looked heavily concerned; her ears pinned back, wings unfurled but limp. She tentatively raised a hoof, and when Moondancer did nothing to push it away, let it rest on the unicorn's shoulders. "Moondancer." The princess pauses, swallowing. "I know that everything isn't as black and white as everything being one's fault. Despite what I said at the party.
"But no matter what I did, or what you did, or whatever anypony did or does or will do-" She sucks in a breath. "It doesn't mean you should make yourself feel worse because of it."
And yet she does. Even now, she still feels the unsettling idea of being rejected again, of falling down that same path, even after things have been mended. Because if you're rejected once, you're bound to be rejected again, and if you're rejected again, there must be a reason people keep doing it, right?
Moondancer shakes her head, feeling heavy. "Why wouldn't I feel worse when I'm throwing a fit over something so small? You're one pony, Twilight, and yet you not coming to a party completely derailed my life!"
She did not miss the wince from the other mare, and Moondancer hunched. Silence permeated around them; Twilight still not responding, and Moondancer feeling as if she's said enough. Her headache pounds, her memories twist and sharpen into blades, and the unicorn feels all of the negative emotions that have been plaguing her life rile up to strangle her.
"...Princess Luna was imprisoned in the moon for a thousand years."
"Huh?" The unicorn suddenly looks up, after seemingly minutes of silence. Her confusion is strong enough to temporarily knock away her miasma of thoughts. "Of course- Of course I know that."
"I'm not done yet, silly," The alicorn smiles, if briefly. "She was imprisoned; I would say that's a big enough reason to be upset over it, yes?"
"...Yeah?"
"And well, the other week, I was attending some formal event for the other princesses, and Princess Celestia was absolutely devastated over missing the foods there. She was completely depressed for the rest of the night; it was hilarious!"
Moondancer sniffs. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well... Do you think she's justified in being upset over it?"
Confusion fills the mare, and her heavy eyebrows crease. Twilight waits a few moments before continuing. "The scope of the justification is massive, yes, but I don't think it's any more or less of a reason to be upset. What matters is that the reason is important to them."
The unicorn feels the weight of a wing settle against her back, and she lets the alicorn pull her close- not without huffing softly. "And I think, no matter how 'important' or 'serious' the reason is, it doesn't make it any less impactful. I'm not mad at you for hating me, Moondancer, and I'm not mad at you for still feeling weird. Friendship isn't just some big rainbow blast that instantly cures anything."
Moondancer sniffs, a small smile appearing on her muzzle as she wipes away a few tears. "Well..."
Twilight pauses, seemingly confused, before her ears perk up and she chuckles softly. "In most cases, it isn't like that."
"Does next week sound like a plan?"
"I'll make an opening." Twilight smiles, stepping up the creaking front stairs to give Moondancer one last hug. "Be sure to wake up at a good time, and eat something actually nutritious, and do more than just study all day, because I know you, Moon-"
"Alright, alright!" Moondancer laughs, and she pulls away from the other, ears pinned back sheepishly. "Thank you for offering to help clean up my house."
The alicorn smiles. "It's what friends are for, right?"
The two exchange goodbyes, see you soons- and though the unicorn still feels that uneasiness in her heart, and roiling in her belly, it's not as prominent. the thought of what if she forgets again lingers, just for a moment, but as she closes the front door and looks into her dark, and quite dirty home, the thought fades just slightly. The tornado is still raging, but isn't as chaotic, and though the algebra equation is not yet solved, the basics are starting to finally make sense.
Her hooves step over wrappers and clothes, and she spots a pile of toppled over books and papers on her coffee table. With a spark of magic, the right themselves, and the unicorn lets out a slow, soft sigh.
Baby steps.
Author's Note
my first my little pony fic! please feel free to leave thoughts and criticism down below, but i am entirely new to writing for mlp, so huge apologies if the characters don't seem, well, in character.
thank you for reading my "moondancer has depression" fic!
