A Human's Guide to Surviving Equestria

by Arcanum -Phantasy

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Drama
Length: 2392

Exerts taken from a journal found in a human's shelter deep in the Ponyville sewer system.

Hi. My name's James. If you're reading this, then one of two things have happened. One, you're another human that got sent to this shit hole and was able to find my shelter. Or two, you're one of the ponies that found me and I'm probably rotting in a cell or getting experimented on. If the former, good luck. If the later, go fuck yourself.

Published 2023-01-25 21:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-25 21:20:01 UTC

A Human's Guide to Surviving Equestria

Day 7

Hey, my name is James Falcon. To the next human that finds this journal, let me tell you two things. One, you are absolutely fucked. Two, you are probably the luckiest son of a bitch out there. Why? Because I'm going to tell you what you need to know in order to survive out here. If you've found this, then you've likely already got shelter covered, since the ponies don't like coming down into the sewers all that much. Yeah, I know. It smells like shit and piss down here, but it's a hell of a lot better than whatever flavor of hell the ponies have up their sleeves. As for food, the dumpsters behind the building that looks like a giant cake has some pretty good stuff, but it's also where you've got the highest risk of getting caught. I don't know how, but there's a pink pony that lives there that can fucking pop up out of literally nowhere. Trust me, getting away from her is harder than trying to bust concrete with a toothpick, so use that place as a last resort when you're looking for food. The safer option is to try taking apples from the town orchard or putting together some kind of weapon to hunt for food in the nearby forest. Just make sure to get the apples at night and watch out for the wood wolves in the forest. Yeah. You read that right. Trust me; you don't want to fuck with those things. You can get water from the local lakes or when it rains, just make sure to boil it before you decide to store it. I made that mistake and let's just say it's a damn good thing I'm already where the shit ends up. If you need blankets or materials for fixing up your clothes, there's a shop that looks like a Merry-go-round that occasionally throws out pieces of cloth or old clothes. Should be a lot safer to get them if the pink one isn't on your trail. Those are the basics, but if anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add them to this as needed.

Day 10

What the fuck!? What the actual FUCK!? Okay, let me tell you this straight out! Do NOT go near the cottage by the forest! That goes double if you see a yellow pegasus there. Like a fucking idiot, I let her sucker me into coming into her house. When I was in there, I was surrounded by all kinds of animals and when I say all kinds, I mean ALL kinds. There was a fucking grizzly bear in there for christ's sake! When I tried to nope the flying fuck out of there, this rabbit tried to block the door. When I knocked the little shit out of the way, yellow came into the room and.....well, I'd say she yelled at me, but she really just whispered really loudly at me. Anyway, then she gave me this look and....I don't know. It felt like that look your mom gives you when you're, like, six and you did something bad. I had to bite my tongue pretty damn hard to snap out of whatever geas she had on me. Then I decked her and ran out of there before her pets could turn me into dinner. I think she has some kind of "dominate mind" power or something. Just make sure you keep your distance from her house and if you see her, you better fucking haul ass if you don't want to end up as her pet.

Day 17

You know how I said Yellow was bad? Well, turns out there's a worse pegasus flying around out there. One that flies really fucking fast! There isn't a lot of advice I can give about this one aside from, if you see a rainbow moving around in the sky, start hauling ass! She's light blue, has rainbow hair, and has a mean right hook. Trust me, you do not want to get decked by this bitch. Not if you don't want to loose a few teeth anyway. It took me an hour of agony to get my jaw popped back into place when I shook her off. I guess moving that fast makes it hard for her to keep track of you if you fake her out quick enough. It also helps if you know all of the tricky ways to get in and out of the sewers. I'm probably going to start making a map of the place to help out anyone that ends up here.

Day 23

Welp, my arm's broken. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot and the orchard has a family of really angry ponies. To put it simply, stick to picking apples on the lower branches and as far away from the farm house as humanly possible. That way, you don't get spooked by a dog and end up falling out of the damn tree. I did, screamed like a fucking bitch when I landed, and had to run from a bunch of pissed-off hick ponies. They weren't quite as fast as Blue, but they were pretty damn close. I had to risk running through the forest with the wood wolves to get away from them. Now, I have no idea how the hell I'm going to fix my arm. I'm not a doctor so I'm....I'm actually pretty freaked out now. Do I try to deal with this or take my chances with the ponies? I....I don't know.

Day 25

My arm still hurts. Its starting to turn ugly colors around my shoulder. What does that mean? I'm scared......why the hell am I here? I want to go home. What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? I miss my family. Will I die out here? I don't want to die here. I want to go home.

Day 27

Alright, so, ponies may be dangerous, but zebras are safe. Well, the one that lives in the forest is, at least. I ran into her one night while I was scavenging for food near the forest. After what happened with Yellow, I was a bit leery to trust her, but since I was dead either way, I decided to give her a chance. Her name was Zecora and she's a shaman that lives in the forest. She's pretty nice, if a bit quirky with the whole "talking in rime" thing. She gave me this shit-tasting potion that fixed my arm along with a few other things I can use if I get hurt again in the future. When I asked her why she lived out in the forest, she told me it was because the place reminded her of her home country and had a whole bunch of useful herbs that didn't grow anywhere else in Equestria (yeah, that's what this country is called. just roll with it). This made her not very popular in town. When I told her that I could relate, she agreed to help me out in any way that she could. So, if you see a zebra with a bunch of tribal stuff on walking around the forest, know that she's at least trustworthy.

Day 35

As bad as pegasus's and regular ponies are, unicorns are way, way, WAY worse. When I was getting some cloth our of the Merry-go-round's trash, the pony living there caught me. The psycho started floating a bat around and nearly took my fucking head off. Yeah, they can do that, apparently! Luckily, there's a way into the sewers near her place, so I managed to avoid getting turned into a piñata. I'm going to have to find another place to get thread or things to patch up my clothes for a while. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Day 41

Stay the hell away from the tree in the middle of town! Why? Three words; fire-breathing dragon! Yeah! There are fucking dragons in this world! As if my life wasn't already shit to begin with! I went there to see if there was anything I could salvage from the trashcans near it. Turns out it's some kind of house or something. Don't ask me how, because I have no clue. Anyway, I guess I made a little too much noise and the little guy came out and caught me. Sure, he was like a foot tall, but he still managed to puke out enough fire to be a problem. If I didn't use the bin as a shield at the last second, I wouldn't be writing this right now. After I threw what was left of the can at him, I took off as fast as I could. So yeah, unless your desperate, do not try to get anything from that place.

Day 55

Unicorns can track you. I don't know how, but they can. I was going through the sewers one day to see if I could find more hidden passageways when I started hearing voices. I looked around the corner and found all of the ponies that wanted my ass on a platter so far talking to some purple unicorn. Good thing I was already in the sewers, because I nearly shat myself when I saw them. That got even worse when I heard the purple one say something about a tracking spell and started moving towards me. If this happens, just start running. The sewers are practically a maze, so if you know it well enough, you'll be able to trip this unicorn up. Do not head towards the shelter unless you're ready to move to a new location. Thankfully, Zecora is more than willing to give me a place to hide for a few days. I just hope I don't end up leading these psychos towards her. She really doesn't deserve to have that crap dumped on her lap.

Day 63

Included in this journal is a set of instructions on how to brew a dreamless sleep tea. Use it! Apparently, there's a super rare type of pony called an alicorn and one of them can enter your dreams. I do not want to think about what kind of shit these things plan to do to me if they get in my head. Hell, maybe they already have! That was probably what made me give Yellow a chance in the first place! This should keep me from getting fucked with anymore than I've already been, but it's probably too late to begin with. I'm going to see if Zecora has anything to fix any damage the dream horse could've done to me. If there is, then I'll include it into the back of the journal.

Day 68

They found my shelter. Luckily, I kept the journal on me at the time, so they don't know about all of the stuff in here, but now I'm going to have to find a new place to set up shop. Hopefully, the guards running around don't know the sewers as well as I do.

Day 73

I almost got caught again. It wasn't the armored ponies from a few days ago. It was Purple's gang. This time, Blue and Pink tried to corner me in the forest, but Zecora showed me a few really good hiding places that managed to trip them up. Once I got back into the sewers, I just had to deal with one of the farmer ponies trying to track me down. When she cornered me, I lobed a glob of....something in the water at her and hauled ass. When I made it to an opening, Purple and the sewing pony tried to get the drop on me. This is why I suggest setting up a few surprises around the openings of your shelter. Because as soon as Purple tried to do something with her horn, I lit a match and dropped it on the ground. Why? because the ground there was soaked with a super flammable tree sap from the forest. Just make sure you don't dump the shit too close to the opening. Made that mistake and now I need to rub some burn cream onto my legs. Great.

Day 77

I think this is going to me my last entry. The ponies got real smart and have managed to corner me at Zecora's place. I'm all out of tricks, my legs are still pretty burnt up, and I don't want to drag Zecora into any of this shit. I don't know what these techno-colored fucks have in store for me, but I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of doing me in themselves. I'm going to give myself up to the guards standing around our house, but not before taking a slow acting poison. In about ten minutes, I'm not going to have to put up with this hell anymore. It's funny. Now that everything is about to come to an end, I'm not really all that scared anymore. It's kind of soothing, knowing that it's almost over. If you're reading this, then that means Zecora has followed my last request. All I have to say is good luck and good bye.

Tears ran down Twilights face, staining the already withered pages of the journal in her hooves. The hospital room was dead silent, save for the beeping of a heart monitor. Laying in a magically enlarged bed was the human known as James. His tattered clothing had been replaced by an almost comically small medical apron that barely covered his six-foot frame. Muck stains tainted his tanned skin, his build still toned in spite of seemingly going days living off of scraps or foraging. The hair on his head and face was long, blackish-brown, and messy from days of neglect. Hooked into his arm was an IV, the object slowly feeding his body a steady cocktail of potions to counter the damage from both his treatment and the poison. She couldn't bring herself to look at his legs, the screams she heard from him that day still ringing in her ears every time she did. They would heal, but the memory would take far longer to fade.

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she set the journal aside and in a shaky voice forced out two words.

"I....I'm sorry."