Beating Up a Giant Robot Is Indeed the Equivalent of a Formal Introduction
View Online
"These are NOT 'Hooker Boots!'" (Welcome to Canterlot High, Where Our Shoes Are Very Tall For a Good Reason)
Beating Up a Giant Robot Is Indeed the Equivalent of a Formal Introduction
The train stopped in Canterville just long enough for the conductor to toss Joanne's two suitcases, and shove her out onto the platform. Even before Joanne had a chance to stand back up, the train was already rolling away.
Joanne climbed down off the platform to look for her luggage. As she searched among flowers and shrubberies, a giant robot with its body made out of a refrigerator walked up and almost stepped on her. Joanne was so angry that she unthinkingly punched its nearest leg, knocking the robot over. Joanne leaped onto the fallen robot, kicking and stomping until the annoying machine stopped moving.
"Wow," she thought. "That was weird. I didn't even know I COULD destroy a giant robot like that. But it DID feel good, to get to take out my anger on something."
Joanne looked down from her defeated foe's torso to see several teenage girls, a sort of welcoming committee.
"Howdy," said a girl wearing a cowboy hat. "Ah'm Applejack, an' Ah reckon you're the new girl. Principal Celestia sent us to welcome you to Canterville. She reckoned you might need someone to show you around, an' help you settle in."
"What am I even DOING here?" Joanne growled angrily. "What IS this place?"
"Ah reckon you might be here because you wanted new experiences," Applejack said.
A pale skinned girl with dark purple hair smiled mysteriously. "Sometimes, a young lady's heart yearns for adventure." She batted her eyelashes. "Isn't that true?"
Joanne shook her head. "When my parents told me I had to go to Canterville for high school, I felt like I was being...cast out. Like maybe they didn't really love me as much as I thought. Do you know they didn't even offer to come along and make sure I arrived safely? They just put me on a train and walked away."
Applejack nodded. "That'll happen. On account of th' Canterville area ain't so safe for grownups who ain't used to it. But if you're younger, the adjustment ain't so bad. Young folk've got quicker reflexes. An' the way things work around here seems to be more forgivin' with younger folks, than with older folks who ain't never learned already how to cope with it."
"Forgiving?" Joanne snorted. "I was barely off the train before a giant robot almost stepped on me."
Twilight blushed. "Oops. Sorry."
Applejack said, "What Ah was gettin' at is, the giant robot DIDN'T step on you, did it? Even if it looked like it was about to, you dodged just in time. And that's how things generally go, around here."
Joanne grimaced. "It's a wonder if anyone here lives to graduate from high school."
"Most folks live a lot longer than that," AJ said. "Ah don't reckon you've met Granny Smith yet?"
"No," Joanne replied.
"She's the old lady dishin' out a lot of the Canterlot High School cafeteria food at lunchtime. She don't ever say exactly how old she is...but she does crop up a bit in historical records and stories, here and there. She came here on account of in the town where she was born, they was fixin' to burn her as a witch."
"Nobody burns people for witchcraft! That hasn't been a thing since...early colonial days!"
Applejack nodded. "It was a while back."
"I've done statistical research about local births and deaths," Twilight said, "and some other local statistics, too. About a third of Canterville's population lives to be well over a hundred years old. It's like something in the water, or in the air or the soil, sustains them and helps keep them alive and healthy."
"You've gotta be shitting me." Joanne shook her head.
"We MEAN it," Pinkie Pie insisted. "Canterville is just...different. Maybe your parents wanted YOU to have a chance to live to be a few hundred years old."
"Would've been nice if they'd TOLD me that, before they told me I had to come here."
Pinkie smiled. "But if they'd tried to explain to you why they wanted you to try Canterville, would you have believed them? People living for hundreds of years?"
"Um...I guess not."
"But now that you've already seen Canterville really IS super weird...your mind is a little more open, isn't it?" Pinkie pressed.
"Cantervile IS weird, all right. Even the way you people dress is weird."
"Weird how?" Sunset asked, her arms folded over her chest as she leaned back against a lamppost.
"Like how you girls are wearing shoes that come up to your knees. What's the deal with that? It makes you look like you're all wearing 'hooker boots.'"
Fluttershy whispered, "That's not a very nice thing to say."
Rarity put a hand on Joanne's shoulder. "Darling, speaking of how people dress...we should get you some new shoes too. And help you with some accessorizing."
"What's wrong with my shoes? Or with my purse?"
"Nothing, dear. Not in a general sense. But...by Canterlot standards, your feet aren't well protected and you don't look cute enough."
"What do you mean, not cute enough? And who says I have to look cute anyway? If anyone says I'm not cute enough...maybe I'll hit them!"
Sunset Shimmer laughed. When Joanne glared at her, Sunset said, "Don't mind me. I think you were talking to Rarity."
Pinkie said, "These symbols on our clothes and our hairclips and purses and stuff are called 'cutie marks.' They say something about who we are."
"I'm Joanne, and I think my clothes say enough about who I am already."
"But, darling...wouldn't you rather learn MORE about who you are? Develop your own personal style more fully? Develop your SELF more completely?"
"What do you mean?"
"Twilight over there went to a Cutie Mark Consultation when she was ten years old...tell Joanne about it, Twilight?"
Twilight tapped the design embroidered on the side of her skirt. "I didn't believe in it, at first. I insisted on recording the whole Consultation, audio and video, so I could analyze it later. When the Consultant told me I have an affinity for science and math and reading and learning...well, I just thought, tell me something I don't already know. It's not hard to guess I must be some kind of nerd, just by looking at me and asking a few questions. You don't need some mystical connection with the Spirit of Harmony or whatever."
"Sure," Joanne agreed. "Fake psychics are good at noticing non-psychic clues, and dressing up vague generalities to make them seem spooky and mysterious. They do that because they're fakes."
Twilight nodded. "But once I got my Cutie Certification...it really helped open doors for me. I already knew something about who I was...more than some other people know about themselves when they're that age, I think...but my Cutie Certification helped OTHER people to understand who I was too. So it meant I was allowed to check out more advanced library books...even part of the Restricted Section...and the most prestigious schools were fighting over who would get to enroll me. I guess in the outside world...it would be kind of like having Harvard, Yale, and MIT all saying, 'Pick me, pick me!" Twilight smiled, but with a small hint of sour taste somewhere in it. "A Cutie Certification doesn't answer all the questions about how you should live your life...but at least it's a start."
"Also," Pinkie said, "in high school gym class, or a slumber party, your cutie mark makes it easy when you're changing clothes to know what belongs to who. It really is helpful in so many ways."
"I'll...think about it." Joanne replied.
Rarity nodded. "That's all we can ask...although it WILL make your life SO much more pleasant, when you decide to take the plunge. But before that...about your footwear."
"What ABOUT my footwear?"
"Your ankles are exposed, dear. And for someone who doesn't even know their way around Canterville yet...most unwise. It makes you look foolish...a complete naif."
"Who's calling who a naif?" Joanne growled. "I'll fight them."
Sunset put her hand over her mouth to stifle laughter.
"Dear...please just trust that the rest of us in Canterville dress the way we do for a reason."
"What about HER?" Joanne pointed at Fluttershy's feet. "She's wearing sandals. Is SHE a naif?"
Fluttershy blushed, and mumbled something too softly to hear.
"What was that?" Rarity asked. "Oh, Fluttershy, I suppose you should show our new friend." She turned towards Joanne. "Now, stay back, and don't panic. And don't attack anything. We don't want this to turn into a fight...a fight that might get you bitten. Please promise me...because we shouldn't hurt the feelings of Fluttershy's friends."
After a moment, Joanne reluctantly agreed.
"Also, please note that some of Fluttershy's friends are snakes."
Fluttershy got on her hands and knees, and crawled towards a bush, into which she whispered. A moment later, a snake slithered out from the shrubbery.
"What kind of snake IS that?" Joanne asked. "I've never seen stripes like that before."
"It's a Canterville Adder," Fluttershy said. "They only live near Canterville. I think that's because of the local magic. They're very venomous if they bite you...but really, they don't want to hurt anyone. They just get scared if someone steps on them."
Sunset nodded. "If you're in a town where Canterville Adders live, especially if you play in the grass like most kids do, wearing proper foot and leg protection is just common sense." Sunset lifted one of her lower legs, and tapped a boot. "Unless you're Fluttershy. Fluttershy and every kind of animal already understand each other really well, of course."
"'Of course?'" Joanne said.
"Everyone knows Fluttershy isn't like most people. Not that there's anything wrong with being really good with animals. But you shouldn't assume you can do the things she can do, not unless you have VERY good reason to think so."
Fluttershy nodded. She said softly, "My parents took me to my Cutie Consultation very early, when I was really little, because they were worried about how sometimes they saw bees crawling all over me. But the bees were just being friendly!"
"Mm-hmm," Joanne mumbled. "Um...Rarity? I think...I guess I do need to go shopping. My parents DID tell me, before they put me on the train, that I would need to buy some 'special Canterville supplies.' I guess this was what they meant."
"Oh, how thoughtful of them!" Rarity enthused. "We are going to have SO much fun today, you and I."
Author's Note
I've seen stories and speculations about the idea that humans like us (maybe even literally us!) and some more Equestria Girls style people live in the same world...but NOT a whole LOT of those stories.
One interesting one is McPoodle's On Getting to the Bottom of this "Equestrian" Business, which might be the only fimfic I've seen that stars a thinly disguised Richard Feynman as the hero.
