Why Don't We Just Eat the Unicorns?
Dear Princess Nightmare Moon,
I write to you as your humble servant, Applejack. Obviously you are well aware of the current food crisis. I’m not blaming you for not letting the sun out—I always liked the Moon better, honest. But the famine is still an unfortunate reality and you’ve tasked me with finding a solution to it. It’s been mighty difficult to grow food ever since you took over (again, not blaming you, I love the Moon) and now we’re finally seeing the effects of the lower crop yields over the previous season. I and many other great farmers and horticulturalwhosits have done our best to increase productivity and find fruits and vegetables that will grow better in the current situation but we don’t have much to show for our efforts. Sorry.
It’s because of that that I started thinking about other possible solutions to our problem. I didn’t want you to send my family to the Moon because I failed you, even though I’m sure we’d all love it up there because the Moon is so wonderful, so I’ve really been working my brain muscle hard over at Nightmare Moon’s New Apple Acres.
By the way did I ever tell you how much I love the new name you decided to give my farm that was built from the ground up by my family?
Anyways that’s not the point, if I spent the whole letter gushing about all the ways you’re great and how much you’ve improved Equestria, well I’d be writing this thing all night. So let me get to the point. I believe I’ve come up with a great, sensible, simple, and very easy to implement proposal for solving the famine.
Why don’t we just eat the unicorns?
I know your first reaction to that might be to think it’s crazy, but hear me out.
This aint just me having too much to drink or nothing, I really thought this through. Every foal in Equestria learns about Hearth’s Warming Eve and how the three tribes came together, right? Certainly you know the tale—you were there. Or at least you were alive back then I think. I mean I’m pretty sure you were. Well back in those days the three tribes had a balance between them, all of em did different things for the others even though they didn’t really like living together or fraternizing or nothing. We earth ponies tended the soil and growed food to eat, pegasi managed the weather, and unicorns were in charge of moving the sun and the Moon. But nowadays, earth ponies and pegasi still do their jobs as ponies, but unicorns haven’t done their traditional job since the founding of Equestria.
Ever since ~~Celestia~~ ~~your sister~~ that other one came into the picture, she took over the duties of raising and lowering the sun. And then when you came back, a night I always treasure in my heart, you decided to keep the Moon permanently up there. Have I mentioned how much I love getting to constantly see the Moon yet?
Do you see what I’m getting at though? We don’t use unicorns for nothing. They’re kind of just there aren’t they? Sure I guess magic is useful but is it really as necessary in your night to night life as growing food and taking care of the weather? I was thinking about it and I don’t think so. The three tribes all had an equally important function, but then ~~Celes~~ that other one took their job from them and let them all sit around cushy like for a thousand years! And now with you back they’re even less important to Equestria.
And so, since I don’t want nopony going hungry, why don’t we eat them? And if you don’t want to go all carnivore all of a sudden, which I’d understand, most ponies probably don’t if I’m being honest, we can still use em for fertilizer. Crops might grow better with unicorns mixed in the dirt. Maybe their magic might do something? I dunno, just throwing out some ideas there now. But if we do eat the unicorns or use them for fertilizer, even if it doesn’t help the crops it’ll mean we only have two thirds as many mouths to feed in Equestria! That’ll solve the famine problem right there! The way I look at it, everypony wins.
Except the unicorns but I’m sure if you tell them it’s for the better of Equestria they’ll be alright with it. I know I’d be skipping if you told me I was doing something good for you, Princess. That’s just how much I, and my entire family, is loyal to you. We love the Moon. So I’ll hope you take my proposal into serious consideration and see that there’s no need to horribly punish me for failing to successfully grow food in a permanent forever night.
* * * * *
“Applejack, what the fuck?” Rainbow Dash said as she finished reading the letter, lowering it and staring at her friend in slack-jawed disbelief.
“Look, I was mighty drunk when I wrote that letter, it’s not supposed to be a serious thing, ya hear?” Applejack said.
“Well I would hope not!” Rarity yelled at her. “Eat the unicorns? Use us as fertilizer? Applejack, what is wrong with you?”
“I’ve been a teensy bit stressed out lately trying to deal with the famine,” Applejack said as she bit her lip and rubbed the back of her neck. The three of them were inside Nightmare Moon’s castle, Applejack having been called in tonight to hear the Princess’s response. An angry Rarity had greeted her upon arrival and then Rainbow Dash had found them and wanted to know what was going on.
Applejack then frowned at her castellan friend. “Besides, I don’t see you coming up with any solutions for it.”
Rarity sputtered and grew red in the face, clenching her jaw and glaring angrily at Applejack. “Wha—you—I—t-this is not a solution at all either! This is insanity!” Rarity growled and ripped the letter from Rainbow Dash’s hooves, tearing it to pieces. “I can not believe you would ever write something like this even when inebriated! What about Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom?!”
“I do feel real bad about that...” Applejack wilted.
“Ohhhh, I’m sure you do. But not nearly as bad as I feel right now! To think you actually gave the Princess that letter!” Rarity stomped a hoof.
“I-I wasn’t meaning on actually sending it to her, but uh, I guess I kind of forgot about that when I hit the cider a little too hard… hehe...” Applejack awkwardly grinned.
“And thanks to you being the Agricultural Minister of Ponyville, that letter got sent straight to Nightmare Moon without anypony fussing about it at all! What if she actually decides to implement what you proposed, Applejack?!” Rarity yelled. “Do you realize that after reading the letter she casually gave it to me and told me to call you here while she wrote up an answer? Do you not know how paranoid this is making me?!”
“Look, Rarity, I know the proposal wouldn’t be good for you, but do you really think Nightmare Moon is crazy enough to actually do what I wrote down?” Applejack asked her.
Both Rarity and Rainbow Dash just blankly stared back at her.
“Umm… well, yeah,” Applejack coughed. “S-Sorry, that was a dumb thing to say.”
“Only one of many dumb things from you as of recently it seems,” Rarity said.
“Yeahhhh I’m gonna have to agree with Rarity on this one,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Hey! I really spent all night thinking about this stuff!” Applejack frowned. “I think the proposal makes a lot of sense—it’s just horrible.”
“Using unicorns as fertilizer does not make sense!” Rarity yelled so loudly she almost shook the walls. Her bun was starting to come undone through pure frustration.
Before Applejack or Rainbow Dash could say anything else, a door down the hall opened up and another guard of Nightmare Moon’s came walking towards them. He had an envelope held in his mouth and he walked straight towards Applejack while not paying attention to the other two at all. Stopping in front of her, he leaned his head down so she could easily take the envelope from him.
“From, uh, from the Princess?” Applejack began to sweat.
“Yes, her answer to your farming proposal,” the guard said and just as swiftly turned around to leave.
The trio stood there, all of them staring intently at the white envelope. For one of them in particular, that envelope possibly held the future to a horrible death.
“W-Well Rarity, even if Nightmare Moon does agree with my suggestion, she still really likes you so I’m sure you and Sweetie Belle will be spared,” Applejack chuckled uncertainly.
Somehow Rarity grew paler and her pupils shrank down to pinpricks as she stared at Applejack.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and grabbed the envelope. “Just give me that—I’ll open it.”
She tore the top of the envelope off and opened up the letter inside, Applejack and Rarity squeezing in beside her to read it. As it turned out there was only a single short sentence written down:
Pony meat doesn’t taste good.
N. M.
“Whew!” Applejack said and wiped away the sweat on her brow with a smile. “Well aint that a relief?”
Author's Note
I just thought this was fun and wrote it all last night on a whim.
