No Representation of Taxation
Author's Note
In case you missed it and are wondering what the hell I'm doing back here, I've returned to Fimfic in order to do commission work. Details here.
Also happy tax season
No Representation of Taxation
"Alright, I'm heading out, boss!"
"Bye, Anon! Have a good weekend!"
The sun had only just begun its western descent when Anon walked out of the post office, a bag of bits in his hand. His paycheck for the week of work he did.
He whistled a tune to himself as he walked back home. Ponies waved or shouted brief greetings as he passed, and he returned them without hesitation.
He was the only human in Ponyville, in Equestria for that matter, but he already felt right at home after only a year.
The memory of his first arrival to Equestria were still fresh in his mind. He was trying to get some sleep one night, and then he was abruptly in a forest right outside of Ponyville. He found out later that some villain had torn open multiple holes in reality, and his arrival was simply an incidental side effect.
He adapted quickly, however. His old life was already becoming a slog of monotony and boredom, with nothing truly tying him down, so he accepted the dimensional move with open arms. It didn't take long for him to meet the local magical authority, Twilight Sparkle, and from there it was all too simple to find a job for him in the mail room of the local post office, along with a house that he could call his own.
A house that he just now arrived at and entered. It wasn't anything special, really, but it was a roof over his head, so he couldn't complain much. The bills were much less stressful than back home, at least.
He walked over to his desk and emptied out the bag of bits. He pulled out a notebook and pencil and quickly counted up the golden coins, and then added to the running total he kept on the page.
As new as this world was for him, there were still several elements that were more than a little familiar to him, and so he made sure to keep track of all the money he spent and received. It was harder without any technology to do it for him, but he was still determined to not be caught off guard by one of the few universal constants he knew about:
Taxes.
Granted, he hadn't heard any of the ponies talk about them up to this point, but Anon was no fool. He had a feeling that the only reason he hadn't heard about them was because he was still relatively new to Equestria, so they were taking things easy on him until he got fully settled in.
But the anniversary of his arrival was fast approaching. He didn't know for sure if such a milestone would be the time when the town would come to collect their monetary dues from him, but he was determined to not be caught unaware and unprepared.
After some quick notebook calculations, he grabbed a few of the coins from his most recent paycheck and brought them across the room to a padlocked drawer. He unlocked it with the key he always kept on his person, and deposited the coins into the ever-growing stash of cash. Once it was safely locked again, he went back to his desk to pocket the remaining coins.
Now, even if the princesses themselves decided to hit him with a massive debt he accrued since his arrival, he'd be ready.
Well, mostly. The house was paid for by Twilight herself, but he could handle a house payment if it came down to that. Unlike taxes, at least that had an end point he could reach.
He was about to head out to get some dinner, but then Anon stopped when a thought occurred to him. It was a thought that hit him so abruptly that he had no choice but to say it out loud to his empty home.
"Wait, where would I even go to pay my taxes?"
Would it be by mail? Not impossible, but then that would only be for the announcement of the taxes he owed. He couldn't really send a huge box of bits through the mail.
The town hall, perhaps? But he had been there multiple times, and not once were taxes mentioned, either verbally or in signage.
After some more thinking, Anon lightly smacked himself in the face. "Oh, right, can just ask Twilight."
It wasn't very late in the afternoon, so he ventured out to seek answers from the purple pony princess.
Twilight Sparkle sipped her tea and read in silence. For the first time in a long time, she found herself in a peaceful moment. No friendship problems to solve, no world-threatening force breaking down her door, not even a failed experiment from Trixie and/or Starlight that she had to clean up. Days like these rarely came ever since she became a princess, so she cherished them all the more.
Her reading was interrupted by a knock on her door. "Come in!"
The door opened and revealed a familiar bipedal being. "Hey, Twilight, how you been?"
Twilight smiled and levitated her tea back to her table. "I've been doing just fine, Anon, how about you?"
Anon plopped down into a reading chair across from Twilight. "Oh, same as usual, still a bit reeling from being displaced from everything I knew. Work's been keeping me busy, though."
Twilight felt a small twinge of guilt, but laughed it off. Anon had a bit of a dark sense of humor sometimes, but she had grown quite used to it by now. She had already offered to find him a way back home many times, and every time he turned her down. "That's great to hear," she said. "It's sounding like you're fitting right in, now."
Anon kicked his feet up on the edge of the table where Twilight's tea sat. "Well, apart from all the magic and ponies and stuff, it's not that different from back home. Go to work, get paid, keep myself entertained, business as usual."
Twilight chuckled and levitated her tea for another sip. "It sounds like your world was a lot less eventful than around here."
Anon hesitated slightly. "As far as my own life, I guess you could say that. Most of the time, the worst thing I had to look forward to were bills and taxes."
Twilight paused mid-drink, and looked at Anon, confused. "Bills and what?"
Anon raised an eyebrow. "Taxes?"
After a moment of silence, Twilight asked, "Is that a human thing?"
Now it was Anon's turn to be confused. "Wait, don't you have taxes here?"
"I can't say we do..." Twilight trailed off.
Anon brought his feet off the table and leaned forward in his seat. He could feel the ghost of a smile growing on his face. "Really? No taxes here? "
"I've never heard of them," Twilight said. "What are they, exactly?"
"Oh, uh, money that goes to the government," Anon explained.
"Ooooh, I see," Twilight said, no longer confused. "You just have a different word for it than we do."
Anon's heart sank, and he did likewise into the chair. "Oh... I do have to pay those."
"I mean, you don't have to, I guess..."
Anon perked up. "What?"
"The donations made to the government are strictly voluntary," Twilight explained. "Ponies are free to give as much as they want to allow for everything in society to continue working as intended. They can even specify if they don't want their hard-earned bits going to something they don't like."
Anon blinked at her. "But... That makes no sense. You mean they can just not pay if they wanted?"
Twilight gave him a concerned look. "I mean, yes, but but almost everypony chooses to do it anyway for the good of everypony else."
Anon's mind was reeling. "So... everything's paid for voluntarily? Roads, schools, the guards' paychecks, everything?"
"Of course," Twilight said. "How else would it be handled?"
Anon began laughing and leaned back in his chair. "Oh man, that's way better than it was back home."
Twilight's concern only grew. "Anon... how were 'taxes' for you in your world?"
"Oh, they were awful," Anon said. "Every paycheck, everything you bought, the government took a percentage of it, just to put it to whatever they wanted."
Twilight gasped, and her book fell out of her telekinetic grasp. "That's... tyrannical!"
Anon shrugged. "Yeah, you're telling me, but that was life, and everyone had to deal with it."
Twilight got up from her seat. "I'm so sorry, I never knew you had to live in such a terrible place!" She bowed her head as she apologized. "If I knew, I wouldn't have asked if you wanted to go back!"
"Woah, woah, calm down," Anon said as he also stood up. "I mean, sure, the government wasn't that good, but it was still alright back home, I guess."
"But I would've sent you back to a dystopian mess!" Twilight said, now on the verge of tears.
Anon knelt down to get face to face with her. "Twilight, listen, it's wasn't that bad, okay? I was fine, and either way, I'm here now."
Twilight sniffled and rubbed a hoof against her eyes. "If you say so, Anon."
With the crying now averted, Anon stood back up and smiled. "Well, anyway, that's a load off my chest. Guess I can stop keeping track of my paychecks now."
Twilight tilted her head. "You've been tracking your pay? Just because you thought we'd take part of it from you?"
"I mean, yeah. That's how it worked back home, after all."
"But then wouldn't we simply arrange to have it taken out of your pay before you receive it, thus letting you not have to worry about it?"
Anon was about to retort, then stopped. "Huh... you know, I really should've thought about that, they do that back home, after all."
Twilight's eyes went wide. "I was making a joke! I didn't think that's actually what they did!"
Anon shrugged. "I mean, to be fair, from what I've seen of the average human, if the government didn't do that, there's a good chance a lot of people would simply forget to pay their part. Well," he used air quotes to emphasize, "'forget' to."
Twilight's purple fur went a bit pale. "So not only is your government tyrannical enough to take money from their people, the citizens are callous enough that they wouldn't willingly give money for the good of society?!"
"Hey, it wasn't all bad," Anon countered. "Every year we could fill out some tax paperwork and get a good chunk of that money refunded back to us." He paused. "For some reason. I'm still not sure exactly how that all worked."
Twilight recovered slightly. "You'd get some of that money back?"
"Oh yeah," Anon said. "How much varied a lot, but it was always nice to basically get free money."
Twilight frowned. "That almost sounds like a bribe to make people okay with paying their dues to society..."
Anon winced. "I mean, when you say it all like that, you make it sound like humans aren't very good at all."
Twilight paced back and forth. "From what you're telling me, it sounds that way. Does your entire species not share the same sense of friendship and love for each other that ponies do?"
Anon just looked at her. "Uh, well... I guess not, at least not on average."
Twilight put a supportive hoof on Anon's leg. "I am so glad you don't have to live in such a terrible place anymore."
Anon gently removed her hoof. "Being kinda overly dramatic there, don't you think, Twiggle?"
Twilight's somber attitude was replaced with impotent rage. "I told you to stop calling me that!"
Anon laughed and walked to the door. "Either way, thanks for the explanation. Now I have a bunch of money that I need to figure out what I'm doing with. Later!"
Twilight raised a hoof. "Anon, wait!"
But alas, her request went unheard, and the human closed the door behind him and left her alone in her room.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin and thought out loud. "I never knew Anon's world was like that... I should tell the others, see what they think."
She absentmindedly levitated her book from the floor to the table, then walked out the door.
With the knowledge that taxes in Equestria were entirely optional, Anon was ecstatic. He had the entire weekend to himself, as usual, so he spent the next couple days looking for things to spend it all on.
His first stop was a local furniture store. While he saw plenty of expensive items that he could've splurged on, there wasn't really anything that he wanted. He didn't want to annoy the clerk by window shopping for so long with no purchase, however, so he eventually settled on a new desk chair. Even that barely made a dent in his new spending money.
Next stop was a local souvenir shop, which contained all manner of nick-knacks and doodads. Once again, nothing jumped out at Anon as something he really wanted to own, and this time he was able to slip away from the shop owner's eye without too much awkwardness.
Unfortunately, it appeared that Equestria had far fewer consumer goods to indulge in than Earth, unless he wanted to splurge exclusively on furniture and random things. He considered using the money to go on vacation, but he wasn't quite sure of where he could go that would interest him, or would be different in any meaningful way from Ponyville.
After a while, Anon gave up on the search for a money sink and simply kept the remaining excess funds for emergencies. The idea to donate it to the government, as Twilight explained, still floated in the back of his mind, but Anon quickly shook those thoughts away. He was finally free of taxes, why would he willingly pay them now?
...maybe he'd chip some in every now and then. He wasn't a total monster, after all.
However, Anon was the only one trying to make plans over the weekend. Twilight Sparkle went back and forth between all of her friends, to regale them with Anon's tale of 'taxes' from his world. They were all equally shocked and horrified when they heard about it, but after much discussion, they all came up with a plan: something to help Anon feel even more welcome in Equestria, and perhaps to even remind him of home.
Unfortunately, there may have been some misunderstandings.
"I'm heading home, see you tomorrow, Boss!"
"Bye, Anon!"
Anon stretched once he was back into the afternoon sun. It was the start of yet another work week, but he was still giddy from the good news he received last Friday. He never realized quite how happy he would be to not have to pay taxes, but here he was, smiling like a fool in broad daylight.
Though, compared to how everyone else in Ponyville behaved most days, that just meant he fit right in.
After a leisurely stroll through the streets of Ponyville, making sure to greet everypony he came across, Anon arrived back at his humble home.
Unusually, there was a certain purple someone waiting for him at the door.
"Hey, Twilight," Anon greeted, still full of cheer. "What's up?"
"Hi, Anon," Twilight said. "You know, it's getting really close to your one year anniversary of arriving in Equestria."
"That it is," Anon said. "Funny how time flies."
Twilight chuckled. "Well, my friends and I were thinking, and we decided that we should celebrate the occasion. So..." With a theatrical flourish, she produced a postcard from behind her, showing a stylized drawing of Anon and expertly drawn text that simply read, "You're invited! This Wednesday!"
Anon took the card out of her levitation. "Aw, you guys didn't have to do that!"
"It's just our way to say thanks," Twilight said, "for being such a good friend even though you were brought here against your will."
Anon laughed. "Was that a dark joke? From you, Twilight?"
She smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head. "Guess I'm picking up some bad habits from you."
They shared another laugh, and Anon pocketed the invitation. "Consider me there, then."
Twilight nodded. "Alright, then! Come to the castle after work Wednesday, we'll be there!"
With that, she took flight, and Anon waved goodbye before he went inside. There, he pulled the invitation back out and studied it closely. He was particularly interested in the drawing someone made of him.
After some intense studying, he asked out loud, "Is my gut really that big?"
The next two days passed quickly, and after work on Wednesday he went straight for Twilight's castle after work. He had been to parties with her friends before, but this was the first time it had been a party entirely focused around him. He was very curious about how they would make such a party.
Anon let himself in, and was immediately assaulted with a chorus of "SURPRISE!" from Twilight and all of her friends.
He laughed and looked around the room. "Guys, it's not a surprise if you tell me..." His gaze fell on the banner at the end of the room, and he trailed off. "...about... it..."
He was expecting something like "Happy Anniversary" or maybe even some kind of sappy message for him. Instead, the banner proudly proclaimed "Happy Tax Day!" without a hint of irony.
Anon just looked slowly between the banner and the assembled ponies, completely befuddled. "Twilight," he asked slowly, "what is this?"
Twilight stepped forward from her friends. "So, I've been thinking a lot about our conversation last week, and how you had to pay those 'taxes' back home, so we decided that, to help you feel more at home, we'd try this!"
Anon blinked. "Uh... okay?"
Rarity stepped forward. "We understand that being forced to pay your donations is a terrible thing, but we figured that we could at least try and bring some of the positive aspects from your world over."
Anon looked at Twilight, confused. "Positive aspects?"
Pinkie Pie hopped forward. "Yeah, like the free money!"
Rainbow Dash hovered next to her pink friend. "Yeah, or the... uh..." She looked over at Twilight. "Was it just the free money?"
"Aaaanyway," Twilight said, "we wanted to try and recapture that one positive feeling you had about taxes, as a sign of our friendship together!"
The gears in Anon's head began to turn. "So... what exactly does that mean?"
"Means you get some free bits," Applejack interjected. "Somethin' we all pitched in for."
Anon was still greatly confused, and some part of him felt like he should be offended, but he wasn't about to turn down free money. "Alright then."
Twilight levitated a small box over to Anon. He accepted it, but hesitated before opening it. It felt way lighter than even a few bits would've been.
With everypony looking at him with anticipation, he had no choice but to open the gift. He put on a smile for them, but when he saw what the gift was, he had to force it to remain.
"It's... a gift card for that hayburger place."
"It's good for a hundred bits of food!" Twilight said, excited.
The others mirrored her excitement, and Anon felt trapped. "T-thanks, everyone, this is great!"
If any of them noticed his fake enthusiasm, they didn't show it, and instead cheered. Then Pinkie brought the cake out from... somewhere, and the party split apart into various conversations as everyone helped themselves.
Anon sighed and pocketed the gift card. These ponies didn't really understand taxes at all, but he still recognized that they wanted to do something nice for him, so he felt like he at least owed it to them to show appreciation.
Besides, he still got free cake out of the deal, so there's that.
While he helped himself to a slice (chocolate, his favorite, too), Twilight trotted up to his side. "So, what did you think?"
"Mmph." Anon finished his bite of cake and wiped the crumbs from his mouth. "This is good. A bit... unexpected, and maybe a little incorrect, but you got the spirit of it, I guess."
Twilight awkwardly kicked her hoof on the floor. "Yeah, sorry, I know the whole system where you come from isn't the best, but I figured this would still help you feel more at home, you know?"
Anon reached down and ruffled Twilight's mane. "You did alright, Twiggles."
Twilight batted his hand away. "Hey!"
Anon just laughed and ate another bite of cake.
Twilight took a bite from her own plate, then asked, "So, I'm curious, now that you know that government funding is optional here, how much did you plan to donate?"
Anon hesitated. "Honestly, no idea. It might take me a bit to really let it sink in, you know?"
Twilight frowned slightly. "But... you've been here for a year. Surely you have a good amount of bits saved up if you thought that we'd be forcefully collecting them."
"Don't call me Shirley."
"What?"
Anon shook his head. "Nevermind, you wouldn't get it." He finished his slice of cake and threw the plate into a nearby trash can. "Anyway, yeah, but I still need to figure that out. I'm still wired to keep exact track of my finances, you know?"
"I guess..." Twilight was about to say something else, but Rainbow Dash suddenly shouted from across the room.
"Hey, Anon, come over here, we're chugging hot sauce and I bet I can down more than you!"
Anon smiled and ran over. "Oh, you're on!"
Twilight sighed as her friends engaged in their tomfoolery. She knew Anon was a good person at heart (he wouldn't have fit in as well as he did if he wasn't), but she couldn't help but wonder about what he said. He came from a world where it was mandatory to make payments to the government, so it wasn't impossible that he might be too elated by the lack of compulsion for those payments to consider making them of his own free will.
Of course, she couldn't just force him to make donations, that would not only be cruel of her after explaining how they were optional in Equestria, but it would make her a massive hypocrite. There had to be other, more friendly ways to try and convince him, but what could she do...?
She mulled over this as the party continued. She watched Anon bounce from one activity with a friend to another, his face only slightly red from the earlier hot sauce duel with Dash. While he definitely fit in better with Dash and Pinkie's antics, he was still more than capable of holding conversations with Rarity and Applejack about most topics they could bring up. Despite her inner debate, she felt immensely proud that he was able to befriend ponies so easily, despite being an entirely different species. A species that is inherently less friendly than ponies, if the world he described was accurate.
While she watched, she noticed Fluttershy make her way over to her. "Everything okay, Twilight?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, less than convincingly.
Fluttershy leaned into her slightly. "Are you sure? You've been just sitting and watching Anon for the last ten minutes."
Twilight stiffened and looked at a clock on the wall. "Huh, has it been that long?"
"Is something wrong with Anon?" Fluttershy asked in her usual soft fashion.
Twilight was quick to shake her head. "No, no, nothing wrong with him, exactly, just... well, I'm worried about how he might be reacting, now that he knows that he doesn't have to pay for public services here in Equestria."
Fluttershy let out a thoughtful "Hmm," and joined her in watching Anon, who was now demonstrating some kind of finger trick to Trixie, who appeared to be shocked and amazed. After a moment, Fluttershy said, "Maybe we could try and make him realize how important they are, so that he ends up donating once he understands how important it really is?"
Twilight looked at the ceiling in thought. "But how would we do that?"
Fluttershy shrugged. "We could pull some harmless tricks to inconvenience him, make him believe that he'll solve those small problems by donating."
Twilight looked at Fluttershy in shock. "Are you suggesting we prank Anon, Fluttershy?"
"I mean, it's for the greater good," she defended herself. After a moment, she muttered, "Besides, I have to pay him back for what he did to Angel last Nightmare Night..."
"Ah, I see," Twilight said. "He's not still scared of cabbage, is he?"
"He's doing better now, thankfully." Fluttershy said.
"I'll talk to the others after the party," Twilight said. "With all of us working together, I'm sure we could convince Anon of the importance of donating to civil services."
Eventually, the party wound down with the sunset, and Anon bid everyone farewell and thanked them for the party. Once he was gone, Twilight rounded up all of her friends and explained the plan they'd enact, starting tomorrow.
As soon as everything was plotted, Twilight went to bed. She'd have to be up very early, after all.
Anon walked out into the pale blue morning light, smiling. He had never been much of a morning person before, but something about Equestrian mornings felt pleasant to him. Maybe it's because he couldn't wreck his sleep schedule with endless internet browsing at night, here.
Like most mornings, the streets of Ponyville were mostly empty at this hour. A handful of shop owners walked about, eager to get an early start to their days, but otherwise Anon was left along with his thoughts. This suited him just fine, of course. While he appreciated how friendly everypony was, sometimes it was nice to get some time away from them. Hell, that's part of why he chose this post office job over any of the others Twilight offered to secure for him. Some days, he could go an entire shift while only talking to a single pony.
The door to the post office was already unlocked when he got there. This was normal, since his boss liked to be there a whole hour ahead of him. Anon wasn't really sure why, since it was a post office, not a shop, but he didn't complain.
The bell above the door rang with his entrance. "Mornin', Boss!" he called out.
"Hey, Anon, glad to see you!" the beige mare answered from behind the front desk. She did have a name, but Anon got this job before he was any good at remembering pony names, so he took to just calling her Boss. She didn't mind, and so it stuck.
"How's today looking?" he asked as he joined her behind the counter.
"Not the best," Boss answered. "One of the mailmares called in sick, and we have a lot of stuff that needs to get delivered today." She seemed to think about something for a moment, and then said, "Say, you know Ponyville pretty well by now, right?"
"I'd say so, yeah." He grabbed his keys from a cabinet. "Why, want me to cover that mail run?"
"That would be perfect, actually," Boss said. "Sorry to spring this on you, Anon."
"Nah, it's fine," Anon waved off her concern. "It'll be a nice change of pace. The weather looked nice today, anyway."
Boss coughed awkwardly. "Uh, there's actually some rain scheduled for later this morning."
Anon shrugged and began walking over to the mail room. "A little water never killed anyone. You got an umbrella or something to give me, right?"
Boss didn't answer, and pretended to be busy.
Anon stopped and looked back at her. "Wait, do we not have umbrellas?"
"I mean, all our mailmares are pegasi," Boss said. "So rain is never really an issue for them."
Anon sighed, but didn't let it slow him down. "Oh well, I'll be fine."
"Thank you so much, Anon," Boss said.
Minutes later, Anon emerged from the post office with a mail bag hanging off his shoulder and a hat on his head. Even though he had been working there for almost a whole year, this was the first time he ever heard about one of the mailmares calling in sick. Still, he didn't think about it too much.
Sure enough, not long after he left the building, he spotted several pegasi moving clouds into position overhead. A few kicks later, the rain came down. Anon just sighed and held the mailbag closer to himself. Boss wouldn't trust him with it if the mail would get ruined through the bag so easily... right?
The streets cleared pretty quickly in the wake of the downpour, which left Anon alone, save for the occasional overhead pegasus that offered a brief wave before flying somewhere else in the cluster of clouds. A familiar cyan face flew lower, however, and hovered alongside the soaked human.
"Since when did you do mail runs?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Since the mailmare called in sick," Anon answered. "Figures it would be on a rainy day, right?"
"Yeah, sorry to hear that," Dash said. She quickly flew back up into the clouds, then returned with a fluffy seat of her own. "Sorry, wings were getting tired."
The breeze from Dash's sudden ascent and descent ruffled Anon's clothes, but otherwise left him no worse for wear. "No problem, I'd do the same if I could move clouds like that." He stumbled slightly as he stepped in a small patch of mud. He groaned and added, "Or if I didn't have to walk on the ground."
Dash winced sympathetically. "Oof, sorry about that, buddy. Hopefully Rarity won't be too mad about mud getting on those clothes of hers."
Anon smirked. "She's friends with you and Pinkie, she has to be used to that by now."
"Good point."
Dash stood up on her cloud and stretched. "Well, that's enough of a break for now. I'll catch you later, Anon!"
Anon waved goodbye as she rocketed back into the rainstorm, bringing her cloud seat with her. Anon sighed and continued to trudge through the rain, shoving letters into mailboxes as he went. Thankfully, the rain was light enough to not ruin the letters with moisture immediately.
He continued like this for a little while, alone in the rain. The mud had slowly been accumulating, and Anon had to take care where he stepped to not completely ruin his shoes. He began to sink or slip several times, but always managed to maintain his footing. He couldn't claim to be an expert in anything in particular, but he could at least brag about the fact that he never slipped and fell in his entire adult life, which was something.
His next stop was Sugarcube Corner. As he approached the confectionery construction, he couldn't help but notice that there was a lot of deep-looking mud on the street that led up to the building. In fact, it looked like way more than it should've been, given how that street looked when it was dry.
Anon just sighed again and tried his best to find the clearest path through. His feet sank into a puddle more than a few times, and he winced every time he did. As if the rain wasn't bad enough, he could tell that his shoes and socks were getting soaked through from the surprise dips.
Why was it so muddy here? Something wasn't right.
After much struggling and cursing to himself, Anon finally made it to the Sugarcube mailbox right next to the front door. Thankfully, the store's awning provided a much-appreciated respite from the downpour.
While he dug through his bag for the appropriate letters, the door opened. "Heya, Anon!" Pinkie Pie greeted. "Why're you the mailmare today?"
"Other one called in sick," he answered. Even through his annoyance at the day so far, he still did his best to fake a smile for Pinkie and said, "It's no big deal, though, I'm managing."
She wasn't quite convinced. "You sure? You look kinda... peeved off."
Anon let the facade fall. "Yeah, sorry, between the weather and all this mud, today's been kinda shit."
"Language!"
Anon rolled his eyes and laughed. "Sorry, but you get the idea. Anyway," he finally found the appropriate letters and handed them to Pinkie, "here's your mail."
"Thanks, Anon!" Pinkie accepted the letters and hopped inside, only to return immediately. "Hope you manage to stay out of the mud!"
"Yeah, I meant to ask," Anon turned around and gestured at the mud-covered street behind him, "why is it so muddy around here? I could've sworn the street was paved pretty well around here."
Pinkie shifted on her hooves slightly. "Really? I'm pretty sure it's always been like this. Yep, lot of mud here when it rains, absolutely!"
Anon raised an eyebrow at her. Pinkie was standing unnaturally still by her standards, and she was looking everywhere she could to not make eye contact with him. "You okay, Pinks?" he asked.
"Oh I'm fiiiiiiine," Pinkie said, trying to wave him off. "But yeah, it would be nice if the street was better paved, so it wouldn't get so muddy every time it rained, you know?" She leaned closer and closer to Anon with every word, until he had to lean back slightly to maintain his personal space.
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh no I left the laundry in the oven gotta go bye!" Pinkie disappeared back inside the store, the door slamming shut in her wake.
Anon looked at the door for a moment, confused, then just shrugged and stopped leaning away. Pinkie was easily the weirdest pony he had met so far, so he learned to not question some of the things she said or did.
The rain still wasn't letting up, but Anon used the cover of the awning to plan his route to his next delivery destination. Once he confirmed the address, he made sure everything was secured in his bag, took a deep breath, and stepped back out into the mud.
There was more struggling for footing and cursing as Anon's shoes became slowly caked in mud, to match how the rest of him was soaked to the bone. He knew Rarity wouldn't be happy about her work getting dirty like this, even if the clothes were basic, but there wasn't really anything he could do about it at the moment.
As Anon dropped another letter in another mailbox, he chuckled when he saw who was next. "Speak of the devil..."
The Carousel Boutique was only a short walk away, and surprisingly, Rarity wasn't alone. Her and Fluttershy sat at a table affixed with a large umbrella, where they munched away at their lunch.
Anon raised an eyebrow as he approached. "Didn't take you two for enjoying rainy dates."
"Oh, hello, Anon," Rarity greeted. "What brings you here?"
Anon walked under the edge of the umbrella and held up her letter. "Mail run."
While Rarity levitated the envelope to herself, Fluttershy asked, "Why are you delivering the mail? I thought you just sorted it."
"Mailmare called in sick," Anon said bluntly.
"How dreadful," Rarity said, "I do hope they get better."
Anon gestured to the daisy sandwich spread in front of them. "But yeah, why are you guys eating outside? I didn't think this was good picnic weather."
Rarity hesitated slightly. "Yes, well, Fluttershy here brought up the idea of eating in the rain, so I thought I might try it out with her."
Fluttershy nodded. "I find the rain quite relaxing, so I just thought that having lunch in it would be pleasant."
"And so far, I have to say, this is..." Rarity trailed off, staring into space. After a moment, she finally said, "...unique?"
"Oh, yes," Fluttershy helpfully added. "It's quite... interesting."
"Uh huh." Anon turned to leave. "Well, nice talking with you two, but I have a few more letters to drop off. The sooner I can finish, the sooner I can get out of this rain and mud."
Rarity winced at the mention of the mud. "I can see you've had more than your fair share of mud trekking, dearie."
Anon shrugged. "Yeah, but it's whatever. I'll deal with it later."
"It is a shame that they didn't have a jacket to give you," Fluttershy suddenly said.
Rarity said nothing, then jumped slightly in her seat. "Oh, right, yes, terrible shame. I wish I could help you, but, sadly, I have nothing in that would fit you right now, and by the time I made something, the rain would likely be over."
"Don't worry, it's fine," Anon waved her off. "I've been through worse, before. At least I don't have to sit in this rain while trying to figure out why my car stopped running."
Fluttershy tilted her head. "What's a car?"
"Nevermind, don't worry about it," Anon said. "Later, you two."
"Bye, Anon!"
"Do try and stay warm, darling!"
Anon trudged away from the picnicking ponies. He still didn't know why exactly they decided to eat out in the rain, especially on the day he just so happened to be forced to substitute for the mailmare.
...now that he thought about it, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were acting a little unusual, too. It's almost like they went out of their way to not only talk with him as he made his run, but also to bring up how much it sucked to be walking through the rain and mud to do so.
Were they plotting something? Something against him specifically?
...nah, that couldn't be. He had been in Ponyville for a year now, and he never once had a reason to doubt any of Twilight's friends. The worst they'd do is a harmless prank or two, and it was never long before everyone involved had a good laugh about it.
Even still, what other explanation could there be for their weird behavior today?
He mulled over this as he delivered the next couple of letters. By now, he had grown accustomed to being soaked and muddy, so he only focused on maintaining a brisk walking pace to get this over with as soon as possible. He reached into the mailbag to see what his final stop would be.
As luck would have it, the final letter was addressed to himself.
Anon slowed down his walk and weighed his options. Since this was his, he could just return to the post office early, and hold onto the letter for when his shift was over. Then again, if he went home, he could simply hang out inside until the rain let up a bit, maybe even jump through the shower to warm himself up. If Boss asked what took him so long, he could just make up a story about the mud slowing him down or getting lost. He wasn't a pegasus, after all, nor was he used to being a mailman, so that was probably enough probable deniability to get away with some good old fashioned wage theft.
Sure, he considered Boss a friend, but there were some habits from home that he would never break.
After some thought, he decided to go home for a little while. He was pretty sure that his house was closer than the post office, right now, anyway.
He was back home after a short walk, but before he could let himself inside, someone called out, "Anon!"
He looked up just in time to see Twilight Sparkle fly down from the clouds, an umbrella held in her magical grasp. Anon was confused, and asked, "What's up, Twilight?"
Even though she was the one who initiated the conversation, Twilight now appeared to be somewhat at a loss for words. "Oh, you know, just kinda... uh... in the neighborhood, thought I'd pay you a visit, you know, as a friend!" She capped off the tirade with an unconvincing wide smile.
Anon stared right through her. "How did you know I was delivering mail?"
"How did-" Twilight's eyes went wide for the briefest of moments, but she recovered. "Oh, uh, Dash told me. Said she saw you earlier."
"Uh huh." The gears were turning in Anon's head. Between Twilight's awkward entrance and the earlier behavior of her friends, he had a feeling something was up. "So, why were you looking for me?"
"Because... uh..." Twilight's eyes darted from place to place, focusing on anything except the human in front of her.
Anon didn't wait for her to come up with another excuse. "Are you and your friends trying to tell me something?"
Twilight gasped. "How did you know?"
Anon smirked. "Because you just told me, Twiggle."
Twilight looked at the ground. "Oh." And then she snapped back up to Anon. "Hey!"
"Well, whatever plan you had, feel free to spill it," Anon said. Then he pointed at his front door and said, "Inside, though. I'm tired of this rain and I was gonna take a short break anyway."
Twilight smiled sheepishly. "Uh, right, of course."
Anon unlocked his door and let Twilight walk inside, her umbrella folding within her magic and then left leaning against the door frame. He took off his muddy shoes as soon as he could, then grabbed a towel from the bathroom and returned, already in the process of drying the rainwater off himself.
Twilight took a seat on the couch. There wasn't much furniture or decoration in Anon's house, mostly just the essentials. A couch, a recliner, a table, and a desk tucked away in a corner. Compared to her other friends, Anon's sense of decor was downright sparse. Even Applejack, the most straightforward mare Twilight knew, still had a few apple-themed items here and there to spice up her own living space.
Once Anon was satisfied with how dry he was, he plopped down into the recliner and faced Twilight. "Now, what was it you and your friends were trying to do?"
Twilight sighed. The jig was up. "Remember that talk we had about those 'taxes' of yours, and how we have the donation system instead?"
Anon nodded slowly. "I don't see where this is going, but yeah, I remember."
"Well, I remember how happy you were when you learned that paying them was strictly voluntary," Twilight explained.
Anon leaned forward. "Okay..."
Twilight grimaced slightly. "Plus, that weekend, I may have... spied on you a bit. Saw you trying to go on a shopping spree."
"Huh, that explains why I kept seeing you everywhere."
"Wait, what?" Twilight shot up in her seat. "You knew I was there?!"
"Yeah, you weren't very subtle," Anon said. "I didn't think anything of it, though, figured we just kept crossing paths as we went about our days. Ponyville's a small town, after all."
Twilight face-hooved, disappointed with herself even if Anon never realized her motive at the time. "Well, either way, I noticed you never went to the town hall to make a donation."
"Huh, I figured that's where I'd go for it," Anon said. "I wasn't really certain, but honestly I wasn't in a big hurry to find out."
Twilight looked at him. She didn't know if he was doing it on purpose, but Anon accidentally hit on the exact thing she wanted to talk to him about. "And why weren't you in a hurry to make a donation? Since you thought they were like those 'taxes' and mandatory, surely you already planned to do without that money?"
"I mean, yeah, sure," Anon relented, "but... I dunno, I'm just so used to having to pay taxes, that I guess I was in no hurry to pay that same money on my own if I didn't have to, you know?"
Twilight sighed and bowed her head. "I understand. If you grew up in such a dystopian society like that, then it only makes sense you'd have trouble acclimating to a much better system like our own."
"Okay, it wasn't really a dystopia, you keep exaggerating how bad it was."
Twilight ignored him and continued her speech. "Even still, I confess that I conspired with my friends to try and help you see the importance of donating for the good of society, so that our infrastructure can continue to operate smoothly." She pointed a hoof to a window, "From having adequate protection against the rain supplied for every job," she moved her hoof to Anon's muddy shoes, "to having better paved streets so there is less mud to deal with," she then pointed to Anon himself, "and even to ensure that employees of the government, such as yourself or even local police and guards, would continue to be paid a stable wage."
Anon sat in silence for many uncomfortable moments, digesting everything Twilight said. She began to fidget in her seat, until finally Anon broke the silence by asking, "Wait, were you going to make it look like someone broke into my house to drive home that last point?"
"ANYway," Twilight said, much too loudly, "we just wanted to help you see how important it is that everypony pitch in to help serve society as a whole. I know you didn't mean anything bad by not donating, but I still wanted to help get you out of the habits of your old world, and into ours."
Anon nodded. "I understand, Twilight. Still, this was quite a complex plan just to get me to pay my taxes. Err, donations." He waved a hand to the window. "I mean, made sure it rained today, threw extra dirt on the street to make it extra muddy, and even made sure the mailmare called in sick so that I'd have no choice but to go through it all."
"Actually, that last one wasn't us," Twilight said. "She really did call in sick today, although... yeah, I was going to request she get the day off either way. So a small coincidence, I guess."
Anon laughed. "You're one weird horse, Twilight Sparkle."
She smiled. "And you're one strange human, Anon."
They shared a laugh, and Anon stood up. "Tell you what, I'll go take a fistful of bits to city hall later today, after work. Then I'll-" He cut himself off with a rather violent sneeze. "Then I'll-" Once again, a sudden sneeze stopped his statement. "Shit."
Twilight jumped to her hooves. "Are you okay? You're not sick, are you?"
Anon rubbed a bit of snot off his nose. "Nah, I'm fine, just a little-" This time, he was cut off with a cough. "Probably just a cold, honestly."
This did nothing to reassure Twilight. "Oh, Celestia, I'm so sorry! This plan got you sick! We need to get you to the hospital!"
"Twilight, I'll be fine, I promise."
She picked up his entire body with her magic. "You're not from here, I'm not taking any chances!"
She ran out the door with him levitating behind her. "Wait, but my job...!"
"I'll tell them you got sick later!"
"It's just a normal cold, Miss Twilight."
Twilight awkwardly rubbed the back of her head. Anon was sat on an examination table at Ponyville General Hospital, and they were joined by a rather unamused Nurse Redheart.
"I told you," Anon said from the table. His voice had grown slightly stuffy, but was otherwise no worse from wear, apart from occasional sneezes or coughs.
"Well, better safe than sorry, you know?" Twilight said. "He's not a pony, and this is basically my fault, and... you know?"
Redheart rolled her eyes and turned to Anon. "Just get some bed rest for the next few days and you'll be fine. You're free to go."
She left the room, and Anon stepped down from the exam table. Twilight spoke up as soon as he did. "Even if it's just a cold, I still got you sick over some crazy scheme to convince you to pay donations. Sorry, Anon."
"No problem, Twilight," Anon said. "Water under the bridge."
"I can at least do something to make it up to you," Twilight said as she led them out. "I'll get Rarity to make a good raincoat for you, free of charge."
"You don't have to do that," Anon said. "But, uh, thanks."
"And you were serious about making that donation later today?"
"Of course," Anon said.
They emerged into the sunny, rain-soaked daylight. With Twilight's plan discovered, there was no reason to keep the rain going for the rest of the day.
"You were right about one thing," Anon said, "this place is better than back home."
"Oh really?" Twilight said.
Anon gestured back at the hospital. "Yeah, that went way quicker than it would've back home, and they didn't even ask about my health insurance!"
They shared a laugh that was cut short by Anon sneezing again. After a moment, Twilight asked, "What's health insurance?"
