“Rarity, I’m home!” Applejack called to her wife. No response.
Applejack quickly walked through the house and saw no sign of the white unicorn. She walked upstairs and saw her wife laying on their bed. Rarity was scarily still besides a few quiet sobs. Not the big dramatic typical Rarity sobs, but sobs that seemed to come from the deepest, darkest part of the soul. Applejack then noticed their dresser had a letter.
Dear Applejack and Rarity,
We are very sorry to inform you that your hormone levels haven’t risen from your last test, indicating that the pregnancy is going to end in an early loss. Please contact the office when you are able. Again, we are very sorry for your loss.
The Nurses at the Ponyville Family Clinic
“Oh my Celeistia,” Applejack said, just barely loud enough for Rarity to hear, causing the sobs to gain intensity. Applejack went over to the bed and rocked Rarity in a steady rhythm.
“It’s not fair!” Rarity exclaimed in Applejack’s embrace. “It’s not fair, it’s not fair.”
“I know Sugarcube,” Applejack said. “I know it’s not.”
And it wasn’t. Perhaps they shouldn’t have gotten their hopes up when they got the previous results. They knew that the levels were low from the beginning. But after two failed attempts to get pregnant, the pair hung on anything they could get.
And they did cling on to that hope. The nights Applejack would talk to Rarity’s belly came flooding back. All the appointments and shots Applejack would help Rarity with. All the comments that some uneducated ponies would make to Applejack since she wasn’t carrying and the baby wasn’t going to be biologically hers. Even though she wasn’t the one pregnant, Applejack felt some sense of failure–as if all she and Rarity went through was for nothing.
The pair sat in their pain for a while. But once both Applejack and Rarity had the chance to let out their feelings, Rarity was the first to speak.
“Not that it matters, but… did you want a colt or a filly?” she asked.
Applejack hadn’t really thought about it, but she did have an answer.
“Maybe it’s because Big Mac and Sugar Belle have a colt, but I kinda thought you were going to have a filly,” she told Rarity.
“I always thought our first child would be a filly, too,” Rarity said, glancing at her belly. “I miss her and she hasn’t even left yet. How could I miss somepony I never met, Applejack?”
“You were prepared to love your baby, as every mother should.”
Rarity sighed and got up on the edge of the bed.
“You were, too. I love you,” she said, giving Applejack a kiss.
“I love you too, babe.”
Two years later…
Applejack walked in the house after an early morning out at Sweet Apple Acres. She was extremely grateful that she was still able to make time for her work and her wife and daughter. The house was quiet. She saw a bowl of soggy cereal on the kitchen table, half eaten. Applejack bit her lip, noting the fact that the breakfast was only half eaten and the dishes were still there hours after breakfast. Applejack figured the baby was at the very end of her morning nap. She walked towards the bedroom and quietly opened the door. Rarity was napping as well. Applejack sighed and grimaced again as Rarity's naps were becoming more frequent.
Applejack stared at the scene for a moment. Despite everything, it was cute seeing her two favorite ponies napping together. After a minute or two, the baby stirred and started to cry for her next feeding. Rarity’s eyes opened and she noticed Applejack.
“Oh hello. I thought I heard the door open,” Rarity said groggily. She turned her head slowly to the bassinet. “There should be some milk in the fridge. Would you mind?”
“Um, no. Not at all,” Applejack agreed.
“Thank you, dear,” Rarity said, changing positions to sleep again.
Applejack prepped a bottle, looking at her daughter in her swing while she waited for her meal. She slammed the bottle on the counter. Applejack knew Rarity wasn’t okay and it was getting harder and harder to ignore.
Though it was a hard pregnancy (Rarity was sick the entire time) and a long labor, the first couple days after they went home were fine. It started small. She’d go to bed earlier instead of taking care of the baby, every dinner she’d leave more and more food, and just in general, Rarity became less and less her big, bold self every day. Now two months later, Rarity didn’t seem to have much interest in anything anymore.
But as concerned as Applejack was, something about this situation was hard for her to confront. She hadn’t needed to help anypony with their mental health that was this close to her since she was a child. And if she did tell Rarity she was concerned, would she listen? Would she accept help, or the fact she needs help? But there wasn’t anything Applejack could do at that particular moment. Her daughter was hungry.
Applejack woke that night to something hitting the ground. She remembered it was Rarity’s turn for feeding. Neither she nor the baby were in the bedroom. Then, the distant cries and shouting registered.
“Why?! Why are you being this way?!”
“Oh no…” Applejack thought as she darted out of the room.
She found Rarity and the baby in the baby’s future nursery across the hall. Rarity was dancing and rocking the baby frantically, both she and her daughter in tears. Applejack noticed a bottle on the floor and Rarity’s pump near the rocking chair. Based on the scene, the noise Applejack woke up to was Rarity throwing the bottle on the floor with her magic in frustration.
“She… she wo… won’t st…stop crying,” Rarity cried. “I… tried… and she won’t take either…”
“Here,” Applejack said calmly, taking the bottle and the baby and going to the rocking chair in the corner. The baby was still fussy, but after a bit, she took to Applejack’s bottle. The baby calmed down and Rarity did a bit, too.
“You were always going to be better at this than me,” Rarity said.
“Hey, both of you are still learning this whole breast feeding thing,” Applejack said. “I’m proud of you.”
Rarity looked at her wife and baby in the chair with a bit of bitterness.
“We worked so hard for her. Why is this happening to me?!”
“What do you mean?” Applejack asked.
“I should be grateful that she’s here,” Rarity said. “And I am. But why do I hate that I’m not able to fit into any of the dresses I want anymore? Why do I hate that I’m not able to give as much of myself to my job now? Everypony tells you that there’s nothing like a child’s love, and I’m having a breakdown because I can’t even calm and feed my own baby.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only pony who feels they’ve messed up. I’m the bluntest pony out there, but I couldn’t even get myself to talk to you when it was clear you were struggling,” Applejack said.
“No. You’ve been wonderful, Applejack,” Rarity insisted. “I could not have asked for a better partner through all this. Especially during our miscarriage when you had to be hurting, too. You’ve been wonderful…” Tears welled in the unicorn’s eyes again. “and look at what you have to deal with.”
“Rarity, all I have to deal with is somepony who grew and birthed a pony and is experiencing the emotional and physical effects of that,” Applejack insisted back. “Somepony who is going through a huge life change and is still getting to know her baby.”
Rarity wiped her eyes and sighed to regain composure again.
“Thank you Applejack. I’ve felt so alone through all this, you know? Like nopony else could feel this way, so I must be crazy or doing something wrong. But I’m not alone. I have you. And our daughter.”
“You probably do know ponies who’ve felt the way you do,” Applejack noted. “But like you, they’re embarrassed or think something’s wrong with them, so they don’t talk about it.”
Rarity nodded as she realized the apple farmer looked like she was about to join their daughter in dream land.
“I suppose we should go back to sleep, huh?” Rarity said.
“Yeah,” Applejack said with a yawn. “Let’s go, Sugarcube.”
Author's Note
I was nervous to post this one, not gonna lie. I’m not a doctor and I have never been through anything like this. But I think it’s important for people to know that others do. Being a parent nor the journey to becoming one is easy and everyone’s experience is different!
