Haygas Chaos
By Kuroyami Fukaikuro
Author's note: Wazzup? Just something I came up with. I'm also using this to experiment slightly with how FimFiction works. Brace yourselves, weird shit's going down.
I sat in my room, staring at the paper in front of me. The paper that filled me with more happiness than anything else in the world (at the time).
It was... My math homework.
What can I say? I'm ASIAN. We're just drawn to this sort of thing.
So anyway, it was my pre-calc homework, and we had to find the sine, cosine, tangent, cotangent, secant, and cosecant of some triangles, as well as convert between angular and linear speed. And some stuff with finding the radians.
I know. Simple, right?
So anyway, I got that done, and put it away. I was finally free to enjoy my friday.
...
What? You don't do your homework on friday?
Anyway, as I put my stuff away and brought out my laptop, I heard a knock at my door. It opened, and my dad stepped in.
"Did you finish your homework?"
"Yes."
"Did you study for the SAT's?"
"Dad, I'm a sophomore. The SAT's aren't for a few years. And, it's friday."
"THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY!"
"...Yes, it is. We live in America. And if you were trying to get some sort of political/racial joke out, let me tell you; that would only work if we were KOREAN. Or Chinese. Or some other Asian country without a Democracy. But we're Filipino, and that joke doesn't work."
"...Fine. But you must get STRAIGHT A'S!"
"Yeah yeah..."
And that, my friends, was a conversation.
So, I started up my laptop and scanned the tumblr-verse for updates.
"Ooh, a Molestia update!"
Yeah.
After scrolling the -verse for a bit, I checked youtube.
When...
KRRAAKATHOOM!!!!!!!!!!
I turned around, and there, lying on my bed, was ~~the coolest guy in the world~~ a total douchebag.
"...Discord?"
"The one and only."
"Am I high?"
"A valid question, but if you were, then this vision would make sense, and there's no fun in that. But seriously, no, you're not high."
"Suuuuuuure. And Rarity's a whore."
"When she's offscreen..."
"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!"
"Fine, but it's some good shit. You're a 'Fanfiction' author, right? Could probably write some good 'clopfics'-"
"I said, I DON'T wanna know."
"Alright then."
"..."
"..."
"...So what do you want?"
"You wanna go on an adventure?"
"That sounds awfully pervy of you."
"Not like that, you hormonal nincompoop. I take you to Equestria, and you help me wreck some shit."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"..."
"..."
"Which part of Equestria?"
"The City of Sin; Las Haygas!"
"So like, the pony version of Vegas?"
"If Vegas is anything like the hype, then yes."
"Gimme a sec to grab my weapons."
"Why would you need them?"
"If you were in my position, would YOU just go along with some random stranger?"
"I'm obviously not a stranger if you know my name."
"But until now, we haven't PERSONALLY met."
"Alright then. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Discord, Spirit of Chaos. And Disharmony."
"I'm Kuroyami Fukaikuro, Average Asian."
"So will you go with me?"
"IF I can bring my weapons. And if you answer this question."
"What?"
"Shouldn't you be imprisoned in stone?"
"That's ONSCREEN."
"I'll accept that. Let's go then."
I grabbed my katana from its stand on the wall, and turned to Discord.
"You got a portal or something?"
"You're damn right I do!" He said, holding up a familiar white gun.
"..."
"Alright, fine, here." He stuck his hand out and a portal of swirling darkness appeared in the center of the room.
"Allonsy!" I jumped through.
Haygas, Equestria
...But not yet.
"Where the fuck are we?"
"Language, Kuroyami! We are in the space between dimensions. Did you expect interdimensional travel to be instantaneous?"
"Yes."
"Well it's not. And it requires a lot of energy to do this, so I hope your happy."
"Will I need a pony form in Equestria?"
"Actually, no. Haygas is built on a well of ancient magic that makes everyone there into humans."
"That so?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's... Convenient."
"Indeed."
"One more question."
"Sure."
"You say 'Onscreen' like you guys are the ones filming the episodes, but isn't Lauren Faust the creator and all that?"
"We 'filmed' the episodes and then magically planted the ideas into the 'creators' of the show, because we wanted to spread our utopian philosiphies across the universe."
"I see. What's Blueblood like in real life?"
"He's actually a pretty nice guy. You know how I talked about Rarity being a whore?"
"Yes..."
"Well, they got together after the Grand Galloping Gala episode, and she's a lot... 'cleaner' now, if you get what I mean."
"Got it."
"Good. Oh hey, we're almost there."
There was a rift in the emptiness.
"Oh yeah, I should have told you, passing through the Rift always hurts for first-timers. A LOT."
"You son of a-" but then we passed through.
I can't really explain what it was like, passing through that Rift, but I'll try. Men, imagine the pain of being kicked in the balls. Now imagine that pain being spread all over your body, combined with breaking all of your bones. Women, imagine giving birth to roughly 132 children, consecutively, and that pain all over your body.
...
Yeah. Needless to say, I no longer have to fear torture of any kind.
Haygas, Equestria
For real this time.
I woke up, the pain subsiding. Looking around, I noted that it was pretty much the same as Vegas, but with more pony puns.
...
Did you expect me to name some? Well, I won't, because that's too much work.
...
Shut up. Just 'cause I'm Asian, doesn't mean I can't be lazy.
So we walked through the town, Discord in his human form. He pretty much looked like a hobo, but a hobo with class. He had a tattered brown suit-jacket with a lightly filthy white shirt on underneath. He wore slacks with tears in them. His shoes looked like they were made of leather, and they were frayed. His hair was a filthy brown with some dirt in it.
"You look disgusting."
"Whatever, mister 't-shirt, hoodie, and sweat shorts with no shoes'."
Looking at myself, I realized that I had forgotten to change before embarking on this particular journey.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to rob a clothing store." I unsheathed my katana and took two steps towards the closest store before bumping into another human. He had blue hair with streaks of a lighter blue in it. His clothes were pure white.
"Who're you?" he asked. "I don't remember you being part of the show."
"I'm just a visitor to this world."
"To this wo-" he noticed Discord. "Dammit Discord, I thought we told you not to bring fans over to this side!"
"I was bored."
"You're ALWAYS bored."
"I won't deny that."
I tried to move past him, but he stopped me. "Oh no, you're going back to your dimension now!"
"Piss off, wanker."
Discord spoke behind me. "You can't say that, you're not British!"
"Shut up. And you, white boy," For indeed Shining's skin was almost as pale as his clothes, "Stay out of my way. I don't wan't to hurt you."
"As if you could."
"Are you really a Royal Guard Captain in real life?"
"Yes, and most of the stories in the show are true as well. I'm really Twilight's brother, Nightmare Moon was really defeated, etc."
"FUCK THE POLICE!" I hit him with the sheath of the katana (in the head) and simultaneously kicked him in the ballls. He crumpled onto the ground. I entered the clothing store. I left in what I considered 'Vegas Casual'- A suit jacket with a t-shirt underneath and slacks. I also obtained some sneakers. Somehow. (Blah blah unrealistic blah blah convenience)
Shining was still on the ground as I left, but now a person who I could only sumrise as Twilight crouched next to him, helping him up.
He growled. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Catch you later, Fuckass!" I ran and parkoured my way through the city, effectively getting myself lost. I stopped in front of what seemed to be a major food chain, due to the large line.
"Sugarcube Corner; Over 20 Million Served!" I read. The door opened, and a familiar voice called out.
"Sorry everypony, we're out of Zap Apple Cake!" The crowd groaned. "Sorry, but it's seasonal!"
As the crowd dispersed, I had the misfortune of being seen. I took two steps away-and bumped into the infamous fourth-wall breaker.
"You're new here! I know, because I know EVERYPONY. And ever since Sugarcube Corner went global, I mean EVERYPONY."
"You have an impressive memory."
"Mainly with names, and recipies. Speaking of names, what's yours?"
"It's Kuroyami."
She leaned real close, and her face darkened. "Don't lie to me. Tell me your real name."
I leaned closer. "Go eat Rainbow Dash."
She gasped, obviously understanding my statement. "You... Your'e a monster!"
I shrugged. "I'm only human." I walked away, her shocked face staring at my back.
I managed to make my way to a casino, the Lunar Lottery. (Alright, I told you a damn Pony Pun, are you happy?) The inside was magnificant. Discord walked up to me.
"About time you got here."
"Tell me... Does this place look as beautiful to you as it does to me?"
"Well of course. It's magically designed to appeal to each individual's eyes. The layout remains the same, but the design you see is specific to you."
"Okay then." I saw a familiar face, due to the fact that he made himself in Soul Calibur V (aPatrokolos ftw). "Excuse me..."
I walked up to him.
"Helghast?"
He jumped.
"Wha- how do you-"
"It's me, dudeimcool."
"Oh... So Discord brought you here too?"
"How many other people does he bring here?"
"Pretty much everyone who meets two requirements; they make pony related fan works, including fics, artworks, animations, etc. They also have to do something pony related to the videogames they play."
"Oh, okay then. Why videogames specifically?"
"If I had to guess, Luna had something to do with that."
"Oh... You wanna mess with the fabric of spacetime?"
"Nah. Oh hey, Twilight and Trixie are putting on a show at like six."
"Together?"
"Yeah. They're professional partners. Apparently, Twilight graduated from Celestia's tutelage YEARS ago. They still keep in touch, and she still practices more advanced magic, but she does this because it surprisingly pays well."
"Huh. I guess I'll gamble till then. What's the legal drinking age in Equestria?"
"Seven... In horse years."
"Well then, I technically clear that. 'Scuse me. Catcha later!"
"See ya online! You'll never beat Scathach again!" (INSIDE JOKE HA HA)
I gambled and managed to aquire a healthy amount of Equestrian bits. Then I turned and saw someone else. I didn't know them in person, but I knew of their work, and was a particular fan of A Change in Heart.
"Jexxazrez?"
"Who?"
"You know me as Kuroyami."
"Oh yeah! So how's The Lunar Revolution coming along?"
"It's... doing fine..."
"You're stuck, aren't you."
"No, I'm just too busy with schoolwork and other shit. And you should talk, 'Black Daze'." (MORE INSIDE JOKES WOO)
"Oh shut up, that wasn't even my best work."
"Whatever man. You goin' to see Twilight's show?"
"Of course. You comin to the after party?"
"Now that I know there is one, hell yeah!"
"Alright then. See ya there!"
Six 'O Clock, Equestrian Time
The show began. Twilight and Trixie performed magic beyond explanation. But that's not the important part of the story anyway.
Towards the end, Trixie called out. "I need a volunteer! If you can make Twilight confused in any way possible, you win 200 bits! If you lose, we take all the bits you have!" Three people volunteered. I was one of them. I thought calmly and carefully about what I would do.
The first one asked her a math question, college level calculus. Twilight sent him away withought his money. The second person asked, "Where was Derpy when Rainbow Dash wanted a pet?" Twilight, sent him away equally poor.
I stepped up. I asked, "If I make her emotionally confused, does that count?"
Trixie responded, "Yes."
I walked up and pulled Twilight into a deep kiss that lasted roughly six seconds. Afterwards, I whispered into her ear, "Je T'aime." Then I pushed her away from the close embrace and slapped her across the face before loudly proclaiming, "You disgust me. I never want to see you again." I began to walk away.
Behind me, Twilight asked, "A- Bu- Wha- What just happened? I'm so confused..."
I turned back to her. "I won the bet is what happened. Give me my bits." I recieved my prize and Twilight and Trixie closed the show, although Twilight was reacting slower, obviously still distressed.
We all went to the after party.
Pinkie was on stage with Vinyl Scratch. The crowd quieted down after receiving their alcohol. Wierd, right? Anyways, they seemed to be waiting for something.
Then...
Rainbow Dash crashed loudly through the glass ceiling. Upon landing, she loudly proclaimed,
I'm Fucked UUUUUP!
The crowd cheered and clapped, and Pinkie Pie loudly proclaimed,
If you not drunk fillies and gentlecolts (Vinyl Scratch: Uh Huh!)
Get ready to get fucked up, let's do it, ha ha!
PMFAO! (Pony My Fucking Ass Off) You know it! Li'l Scoot?!
Scootaloo jumped off of a table and screamed, YEAH!
Pinkie Again: All of the Alcoholics? Where you at? Let's go, AAYY!
Hey,
Hey,
Hey,
Uh huh!
Hey,
Hey,
Heeeeeyyyy, LET'S GO!
Celestia walked onstage. And sang.
When I walk in the club, (Pinkie is in parentheses(YEAH!) All eyes on me, (YEAH!) I'm with the pony rock crew, (YEAH!) All drinks are free. (ALL DRINKS ARE FREE!)
We like Ciroc, (YEAH! (alright I'm too lazy to keep doing Pinkie's part)) We love Patron, We came to pony rock, EVERYPONY IT'S ON!
And the crowd chanted with Celestia (me included);
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)
Pinkie: EVERYPONY!
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)
Braeburn (identafiable due to his hat and hair)and Big Mac (identafiable due to shut up) walked onstage and sang their part:
The mares all love us, when we pour shots. They need and excuse, to suck our c*cks. (Vinyl Scratch: SUCK MY HORN!)
We came to get crunk, how 'bout you, Bottoms up, Let's go round two!
Around this time, Twilight and Trixie found my table. The conversation, or what I can remember of it, went as follows:
Twilight: I challenge you to a rematch!
Me: NaMe YoUr, urrr, Stakes, and your, arr, game. (My inebriation should be obvious)
Trixie: A drinking game. If you last longer than we do, we'll give you 400 more bits. If you lose, well, we'll tell you then.
My drunk-ass self: I liKe those odds!
We drank to the chant;
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)
Pinkie: EVERYPONY!
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)
Apparently, I somehow managed to last longer than the both of them- and Princess/Casino Owner Luna, who joined in after we started.
I guess all those years of drinking Communion Wine was worth something.
However, they had both neglected to tell me where the money was in the case that I would win.
I vaguely remember searching their bodies for the money.
Apparently, they woke up as I did this.
I found Twilights money in the inside of her coat pocket. But as I started to pull my hand out, Twilight spoke.
"Don't stop now..." (Dear reader, please remember, we were all bat-shit drunk.)
I drunkenly continued to grope her boobs.
YOU MAD?
Then Shining Armor walked in, still pissed from me kicking him in the balls.
I guess groping his sister was too far.
Who'd have known?
He walked up to me and demanded that I "Get off" his "sister NOW!"
I drunkenly replied, "Calm down, she's enjoying it." But I probably sounded like, "hdflaekjfpeofulkegbjereoifl."
He tried to punch me, but I used the drunken fist and knocked him out. Then I carried him onstage.
Me: If you ain't getting drunk, GET THE FUCK (I threw Shining Armor out the window) OUT THE CLUB!
He screamed for the whole two story fall to the ground.
The room was silent for a couple of seconds. Then Helghast came on stage carrying Flim, and Jexxazrez came onstage carrying Flam.
Them: If you ain't takin shots, GET THE FUCK OUT THE CLUB! They threw Flim and Flam out the window.
Then Discord walked onstage carrying King Sombra (SEASON 3 HYPE).
Discord: If you ain't come to party, GET THE FUCK OUT THE CLUB! He threw Sombra out the window.
Then we all turned to the crowd and sang,
NOW WHERE MY ALCOHOLICS LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS UP! Everyone raised their hands.
It was amazing.
...
The party ended, and as I began my journy to my designated room on the third floor, Twilight stopped me. (Translated from bat-shit drunk speak)
"Hey...Hey you."
"What?" That's what we both heard, but what I said was, "Que?" Because according to witnesses (Discord) I speak in random foreign languages when I get bat-shit drunk.
"Instead of sleeping in that third rate room, why don't you come up to our penthouse?"
(People, please realize the difficulty of refusing offers when you're bat-shit drunk) "Ladno, ya poydu s toboy." (Okay, I will go with you.)
"Great!" She handed me a key and kissed me on the cheek. "Penthouse six."
I went to the bathroom.
Discord was there.
"So, how's your night going?"
"Bene."
"Eto tak?" (Is that so?)
"Da."
"Yoi, yoi." (Good, good.)
"Nē, anata wa hontōni kaosu no seishindearu ka, tsumari, gamen'ue dake de fukusū wa aru?" (Hey, are you really a spirit of chaos, or is that just more 'on screen' lies?)
"Watashi wa kaosu no seishindatta. Ishi no koto ni zentai tāningu wa ie usodatta. Watashi wa seishinka no tasuke o uke, watashi wa mae hodo kureijī janai." (I was a spirit of chaos. That whole turning to stone thing was bullshit though. I got some psychiatric help, and I'm not as crazy as before.)
"Pas aussi fou?" (Not AS crazy?)
"Non, pas aussi fou." (No, not as crazy.)
"Allora, siete ancora un po 'pazzo?" (So, you're still kind of messed up?)
"Ja, ich glaube." (Yeah, I guess.)
As if to prove his point, he fell onto his back, and slithered out the door.
...
I went to the penthouse. I entered, and...-
I don't remember what happened next.
Even if I did, I probably wouldn't tell you.
Why?
Because, there's gotta be SOME privacy on the internet.
...
I suppose I can tell you this. I don't remember WHAT happened, but I can remember a feeling from the experience. There's no way to describe that feeling as anything but Magical.
No, not just because I fucked 2 uicorns and an alicorn (based on the situation of when I woke up).
To Be Concluded,
In The Next Chapter.
Please review and all that good stuff.
Chapter Two: Saturday Sucked (Weed)
Haygas Chaos
By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro
A/N: And now, the conclusion to this epic! But if it gets featured (Tell your friends) I'll make a sequel where I travel across ALL of Equestria with Discord.
I woke up.
I was groggy- the alcohol was still in my system. I sat up, looked at my surroundings, and was impressed with what had supposedly transpired.
Judging by who else was in the bed, I had f*cked Twilight, Trixie, and Luna.
YOU JELLY, NON-GAMER FAGS?????? (Sorry I have been watching some Troll Science vids)
Twilight was on my right, Trixie was on my left, and Luna was at the foot of the bed in the fetal position. I tried to get up quietly, and failed miserably.
They all woke up at roughly the same time (I guess Unicorns/Alicorns can sense when others wake up???) and eyed me seductively.
"That... Was amazing." Twilight said.
"Indeed." Said Trixie.
"I concur." Said Luna.
"I'm dead." Said I.
"Why do you say so?" Asked Twilight.
"Because I threw your brother out a window, AND slept with you."
"Oh yeah. Well, you don't have to worry, I'll vouch for you."
I got off the bed and began getting dressed. They remained in bed, naked, slightly covered in the blankets, in sexy poses.
I'll let your mind process that for a bit.
...
...
You done clopping yet? No? Okay.
...
...
Alright, on with the story. I just finished putting on my pants when I heard shouting outside the door. I turned to Twilight.
"Well, I hope you talk fast, because that sounds like a pissed off brother- being a brother, I would know."
Shining Armor kicked the door down.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Dude, calm down."
"YOU THREW ME OUT THE WINDOW! HOW AM I-" He noticed Twilight. "Did... Did you..."
"Yes. I slept with your sister."
He pulled out his sword, and gave himself magic armor. "YOU DIE NOW!"
Just then, Helghast (remember him?) poked his head through the doorway. "Hey, I heard shouting, what's going-" He noticed Twilight. "NO! Now my fantasy threesome with Twilight and Applejack won't happen, if Kuroyami already got Twilight!"
Shining Armor turned to him and stared. Helghast pointed at me. "Well, he actually DID sleep with your sister."
"I'll get to you later." Shining turned back to me. I ran towards the window.
"I'M BEING SARCASTIC, THANKS A LOT FOR THE HELP TWILIGHT!" I yelled as I jumped through the window, grabbing my katana on the way out.
Then I remembered, we were on the top floor. Fifteen floors up.
Back in the Penthouse (According to what I've been told)
Shining Armor looked out the window. "That crazy bastard..." He turned and left the room, clearly continuing the chase.
Helghast awkwardly looked around the penthouse. "So... Uh..."
"Would you like to have sex?" Twilight asked.
"...What."
"Your little fantasy... Applejack's down the hall, and as far as I know, she's always down to fuck."
"But... You just..."
"As well as a magician, I'm also a scientist. Kuroyami was... Fantastic, but I need to compare."
"Uhhh. Okay. Sure."
Twilight got off the bed and took Helghast's arms. "Well then, to Applejack's we go."
That's right. They fucked. (Are you happy now Helghast/Intellect Stretcher? I'm calling you OUT! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU CAME TO READ?)
Back outside the building.
"Shit. Ninja skills, don't fail me now!" My feet touched the windows of the building parallel to the casino. Ten floors up. I slid down six floors, and saw Discord skippind across the street. I jumped from the building and landed on Discord's back.
"Someone's rather jumpy this morning."
"Shut up. I just jumped out a window fifteen floors up and almost died. Not from the fall, but from Shining Armor. He's hell-bent on killing me."
"Well, you did throw him out a window. And sleep with his sister."
"Well, at least I got some last night."
"You think I didn't?"
"Who did you fuck?"
"Celestia and Chrysalis. You think you're the only one with game?"
"I suppose not."
"Well, enjoy your fleeing!"
"Enjoy your chaos!"
"I always do!"
We parted ways.
Later.
I had been exploring Haygas for a while and discoverd a little alleyway. It was dark, dirty, and suspicious.
"The perfect hiding place!"
I walked down, and after a while, I discoverd an aclove in the wall. The human versions of Screwball, Lyra, and Derpy were there, as well as a human I knew from his demeanor...
'His demeanor' meaning he was higher than Celestia's sun.
"KingCrownless?"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I know that voice. Dudeimcool?"
"Yeah."
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy man, you wanna smoke some weed?"
"No..."
"Awwwwww come onnnnnnn, everypony's doing it."
"... Is weed the reason Derpy's eyes are..."
Derpy looked up at me. Her eyes were looking in opposite directions. "Yep. When I'm sober, I can see just like anypony else."
"Interesting. Is Red-Dead-"
"Yep."
My mind melted.
"DUDE! If Red-Dead ever finds Sweetie Belle, HE'S GONNA RAPE HER!"
"Oh yeah... Maybe I should have stopped him. Want some weed?"
"...Sure. Maybe I can use it to distract Red-Dead. Or at least, to lead Sweetie Belle away from him with the promise of the 'Drug Lord' Cutie Mark..."
"Oh man, If I was a pony, that would totally be my Cutie Mark." Crownless stated.
"Good for you man. Good for you." He waved as I ran off to save Sweetie Belle's innocence.
Back in the Casino (Again, according to what I've been told)
Helghast got off the bed and looked at Twilight. "So... How did I compare?"
"It might have been the alcohol, so I'll have to do another test... but you didn't compare. That was awful." (I STILL GOT MY LAST LAUGH)
Applejack sat up. "Well, that 'Koo-row-yah-mi' of yours must have been something, 'cuz that was the best sex I ever had." (OK FINE HELGHAST NOW I'M DONE COMPENSATING)
"He was something." She looked away wistfully before replying, "Oh, Helghast, are you going to take responsibility?"
"For what?"
Twilight looked back at him. "You got Applejack pregnant." (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) (This senario requested by Helghast himself)
Applejack looked at Twilight. "HE DID WHAT NOW????"
Helghast looked at Twilight. "I DID WHAT NOW???????"
Twilight blinked. "The fuck did I just say."
Helghast blinked a bit, then held Applejack's hands. "I swear, I'll take responsibility. I'll even permanently move to Equestria, help on the farm, whatever!"
Applejack kissed him. "You better not be lying."
"I'm not."
...
AND THAT CONCLUDES THIS SIDE STORY, BACK TO WHAT YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT
...
The Pedofilly Club (No really, there was a place called that) (Are you happy, I gave you a bad pony pun)
I kicked the door down. Red-Dead was sitting on a thrown of lesser perverts, and Sweetie Belle was at the bottom, with a chained collar around her neck.
"Holy crap man, I knew you were fucked-up, but this is too far. I mean, I'm fucked up. I'd gladly eat my sisters heart for free, if I wouldn't get into any trouble for it. But pedophillia? That's just wrong, man. She hasn't even hit puberty yet!"
"I know man, that's why it's important that I do her now, while she's ripe! And in Equestria, it's pedo-FILLY-a."
"I don't have time for your pony-puns." I drew my katana. "It's time to end this."
"And what makes you think you can-"
SHLUCK
The katana impaled him in between the eyes. I threw it.
"That's the problem with all these 'hero-villain confrontations'. The hero just sits there and lets the villain monologue. And they keep TALKING and TALKING. Well fuck that shit." His body fell down the pile of perverts. I pulled the katana out. I cut the chain on Sweetie Belle's collar. "Come on. Let's get out of here."
As we began to leave, the perverts rose up from their positions. "We can't let you leave."
I sighed. "Very well then. Katana form one; Flash of Steel." I moved faster than the human eye could see and knocked them all out with the back of the blade. I turned to Sweetie Belle again. "Okay, NOW let's get out of here."
We left. Sweetie Belle was returned to her family. Red-Dead was brought back to life with some Chaos Magic and banished from Equestria.
It would lead to much hatred between us.
Later, again
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a young boy with brown hair-Pipsqueak?- put up a poster, and walk away to put up more. I walked up to the poster to see what was going on, and blew my mind.
Luna would be performing live, with some of the main villains.
"Oh man, I've definitely gotta see this."
"Too bad you'll be dead." A familiar voice said behind me.
I turned, and lo and behold, Shining Armor was there.
"Alright, fine. Let's finish this."
"Good. And this time, I've prepped my magic- you won't knock me out so easily."
I laughed. "Good thing I'm descended from one of the most ancient of Asian families. We've developed our own form of magic. Now, let's see if I can get it to work." I rolled up my left sleeve, and bit my five right fingers until they bled. I touched all five of them to my left arm, and runes in various languages appeared. "Heh, this'll be-"
And then the hangover hit me.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY GGGGGGGGOOOOOOODDDDDDD THIS IS PAINFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH"
I tried to concentrate, and brought up a magi-holographic menu of spells.
"Okay, okay... Wait, what language is this? It kinda looks familiar, but it doesn't look like the normal runes I use... What the fuck does this say? ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtgn? Whatever, skip this language. Alright, next menu of spells... Okay, good, Latin, a language I can understand. Let's see..." I pointed my hand at Shining. "IGNIS!"
Shining was instantly enveloped in a ball of fire.
"HOOOOOOOLLLLY CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE! HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH"
"OH MY GOD! OH SHIT! UH, IT WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO SHOOT A FIREBALL! UHHH, SHIT, UH, OKAY, LET'S TRY, CATARACTARUM!"
An infinite amount of water began to fall on Shining. And the pressure was immense. It was like Niagara Falls condensed onto Shining's chest.
Shining: "FJKLWEJHFJDSlk GHDSFGJKJFSDKJFSDJFLKGN ESD IOGJSLKDJG DJFGJELD JFLED"
Me: "HOLY SHIT! OH CRAP, UH, GOTTA STOP THE FALLS, UH, SHIT, DESINE!" The water flow stopped. Shining was lying on the ground. The last of the hangover pain subsided as I got my body under control.
"Oh shit. I wonder, will Twilight mind if he dies?"
Discord, who had apparently seen the fight, replied, "Yes."
"I knew that!" I called back to him, as he was already walking away. I wondered, how would I get him to wake up? Then I remembered: The Weed! I lit it and waved under his nose. He coughed, and I dropped him on the ground. I walked away calmly, leaving the weed in his mouth. I thought, maybe it would help him calm down.
Hehehe.
I went and had a delcious lunch, knocking out everyone in line at Sugarcube Corner.
At the Concert, around 2 PM Equestrian time
I stood at the front of the crowd, one of many. The lights dimmed. The band walked on stage; Luna, Discord, Sombra, and Chrysalis. Luna got on the mic with a guitar, Discord was main guitar, Sombra on bass (guitar), and Chrysalis on drums.
They began.
(Lyrics based on this)
My name is Luna, the crazy, sexy Princess, I'm not emo,
I'm breaking the news now Tia, us ponies, we're feeling repressed girl,
She noticed me from in the audience and used her magic to shine a spotlight on me. Based on what she sang next, it was clear she remembered our time together.
Hey check out that hot one, damn he's got a big (LOUD ASS BLEEP) delicious.
It's time to get busy now so will ya'll excuse me,
She conjured up words in the air.
Read the air, I'm busy.
Chry-salis!
Again you've dialed NLR-2-900.
Som-bra line! Copy that, launch the chorus.
N-L-R! Show Celetia who we are!
N-L-R, YEAH! Raise our flag so she can see!
N-L-R! Praise the Moon, not Pinkie P.
N-L-R-r-r-r YEAH! Ya'll ready to be free?
Discord walked up to the mic and Luna stepped back.
By the way my name's Discord, I am chaos, stingling errors.
And I got sweet tooth for anarchy,
'Cept a govt. run by me.
Draconequus will pwn you, I got no mercy for, all your friendships.
Twilight Sparkle hates me 'cuz I made Flutters nasty.
I get high being random!
Chry-salis!
You keep slapping my (whoa that's not appropriate) around.
Som-bra line! Crazy guy comin' your way.
He shared the mic with Luna and they both sang the chorus.
N-L-R! Show Celetia who we are!
N-L-R, YEAH! Standing ovation, please!
N-L-R! Wave that flag, wild and free.
N-L-R-r-r-r YEAH! Ya'll ready to be free?
Luna transformed into Nightmare Moon (like, she completely gave her body to her other self) and she sang. The crowd went wild, me included.
I know you know...
Celestia's being a troll.
I know you know~
you'll help me overthrow.
Before I go...
There's something I wanna say.
Your sleeping 'Night-mare Moon',
Wake it up,
Wake it up!
N-L-R! Show Celetia who we are!
N-L-R, YEAH! Raise our flag so she can see!
N-L-R! Praise the Moon, not Rainbow D.
N-L-R-r-r-r YEAH! Ya'll ready to be free?
The song ended. Everyone clapped and cheered, but then the spotlight shined on someone at the back of the crowd. The crowd parted and Twilight stepped through. She stood in front of me.
"Kuroyami!" She said.
"Yes?"
"I came to tell you, about your friend, Helghast? He got Applejack pregnant."
"What."
"Yeah it went like this..." (Please re-read what I've already written.)
"Wow. You went so far as to test sex with a control?"
"Um... Yes... but afterwards, I realized something..."
"What?"
"That I- That I um," She began to blush and mutter indecipherably.
Wait a minute, I thought. She's blushing and is acting kind of awkward...
"You fell in love with me, didn't you."
"Um-I-Uh-Yes."
"..."
"Kuroyami?"
"DISCORD! OPEN THE PORTAL!"
"Sure thing man." he opened the portal.
I began to run towards it. Twilight chased me.
"Wha-Wait! Acknowledge my feelings, at least!"
I jumped through, screaming, "AIN'T NOPONY GOT TIME FOR THAT!"
Back on Earth, Saturday
I landed in my bed. I dropped my katana to the floor and thought about what had just happened. Then, another, smaller portal appeared right above me. It was Discord, and he poked his head through to talk.
"Hey man. I've traversed time-space to talk to you. It's been a couple days since you left."
"What's happened?"
"Well, right afterwards, Twilight broke down and cried, and it got a little worse when Luna yelled at her, complaining about how she confessed first."
"Wait, 'First'?"
"Apparently, Twilight wasn't the only one you impressed that night."
"Huh. What's up with Shining?"
"He's become addicted to weed."
"Oh..."
"Not, like, 'needs-rehab' addicted, but he is getting help 'cuz Cadence doesn't approve."
"Hah. How's Helghast?"
"He moved to Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack. His pony form is actually pretty helpful, despite it's lack of magic or flying ability. He's almost as physically strong as Applejack herself! Almost. She can still kick his ass, and sometimes does when he starts freaking out about losing and stuff."
"Sounds just like him. How's Twilight doing now?"
"Well... Shining, while he was sober, caught her... you know... *cough*masturbating*cough* to the thought of you."
"What."
"Yeah man, I guess she was serious. You've done so much shit in public view, you're practically a legend here. Hey man, you should know, now that you've been here once, you can come back anytime. But you should wait a few days for all of this to actually happen; you know, wouldn't want to cause a rip in the fabric of time-space and all that."
"Well, considering what I've done, I think I'll wait a few months to let my legend die down at least a little. Has Luna started her little Lunar Revolution yet? (HA HA SHAMELESS ADVERTISING) Maybe during summer vacation, in a few months, ((OOC: Please keep in mind that this fic is not on the same timeline as real life)) I'll come back and you can give me a grand tour of ALL of Equestria."
"That sounds like a marvelous idea. See you then."
"See ya."
The End.
Author's Note: Hello people. If you would like to see this series continued, give it a like and a fave. If I get enough, or if it gets featured, I'll make a spin-off, called- well, I'll keep that a secret. But if I do decide to continue it, you'll know what it is.
