How I Spent My Summer Vacation on the Moon

Chapters

Chapter One: Twilight Sparkle Drinks Too Much
Chapter Two: Pyx is Worst OC
Chapter Three: Twilight Sparkle Really Wants a Baby
Chapter Five: Pyx Receives her Perfunctory Introduction to the Remaining Canon Characters
Chapter Six: Friendship is Trickier Than it Looks
Chapter Seven: Obviously, Fluttershy Isn't Cool
Chapter Eight: The Everfree Forest is a Great Place to Hide a Body
Chapter Nine: Friendship is Sorcery Most Foul
Chapter Ten: Something Something Nightmare Moon
Chapter Eleven: Cry "Nipah" and Let Slip the Pones of War
Chapter Twelve: Twilight Sparkle Still Drinks Too Much
Chapter Thirteen: Clair de Lune
Chapter Fourteen: So Much for Pathos
Chapter Fifteen: The Return of Black Snooty
Chapter Sixteen: Look on my Works Ye Mighty
Chapter Seventeen: Apple Dumpling Surprise
Chapter Eighteen: Decline...
Chapter Nineteen: ...And Fall
Chapter Twenty: How I Spent My Summer Vacation on the Moon
Epilogue: All Ye Who Nipah Must One Day Tutturu
Prelude: One Angsty Winter Night
Chapter Four: Rarity Actually has Terrible Fashion Sense

Chapter One: Twilight Sparkle Drinks Too Much

"TWIIIIIILIIIIIIGHT!!!"

Twilight Sparkle peeled her face off of the pillow. Her head was pounding, and it felt like somepony had run piano wire through her entire body from her hooves to her horn and pulled it taut. She was suddenly aware of how sweaty and gross she felt, and she wanted nothing more than to drift back into the cold abyss of sleep. Groping about on the bedside table with her aura, she finally caught hold of what she was looking for: a large metal cup about a quarter full of Pone's Farm. She took a long, greedy swallow and plopped her head back on the pillow. If only she could fall back to sleep...

"TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLIIIIIIIIIGGGHTTTT!!!!!"

Finally, the shrill voice of her baby dragon succeeded in peeling her head off the pillow once more. She shouted in annoyance:

"What, Spike?!?"

"Rarity is here!"

Twilight sighed heavily, downed the last bit of wine in one gulp, and clambered out of bed.

"Tell her I'll be down in a minute," she said.

Exactly one minute later, Twilight trotted down the stairs and into the library. Her friend Rarity was seated at the large table in the center, looking elegant and refined as usual. Her purple mane was done up in some kind of elaborate pile that looked like it probably took half the morning to arrange. She wore a silk scarf around her shimmering white neck and a pair of chic sunglasses. Spike was seated in an armchair on the other side of the room, staring a little too obviously, with an open book spread conspicuously across his lap.

Rolling her eyes, Twilight took a seat at the table and called out:

"Spike! Why don't you bring us some mimosas or something?"

He shot her a dirty look.

"Do you really think you need more alcohol, Twilight?"

"'Need' doesn't even begin to cover it, Spike. Or did you forget what almost happened to me last night?"

"'Almost' being the operative word there," muttered Spike, but he stood up and edged his way into the kitchen, still holding the book across his lap.

Rarity looked politely away from him and cleared her throat.

"Now then, darling, I'm terribly sorry to burst in on you unannounced, but when I heard what happened I simply had to come and see you!"

"Oh, well, thank you, Rarity, but honestly I'm fine," said Twilight.

"Fine? Fine?!? Oh, but darling, I can't even imagine what it must have been like, being tied up, and dragged away in the middle of the night by those ruffians..."

Every time Rarity said the word 'darling' Twilight felt like a nail was being driven a little farther into her skull. Where the hell was Spike with those mimosas?

"...oh, and the things they must have done to you, darling! It must have been absolutely terrifying, being blindfolded, and gagged, and carried off helpless into the woods...those huge, hulking, muscular brutes surrounding you, subjecting you to the ravages of their wanton, unbridled--"

"Here are your mimosas, ladies!" said Spike as he burst into the room, carrying a tray with two fluted glasses on it.

"Oh, thank Celestia," muttered Twilight softly. She grabbed hers and took a long gulp. "Oh, and Spike? You might want to just go ahead and get another round of these going."

"Yeah, watch how fast I go," muttered Spike, as he stomped back into the kitchen.

"And put your apron on! We have company!"

Spike muttered something unintelligible and made a rude gesture at Twilight as the kitchen door closed behind him.

Rarity cocked an eyebrow.

"You...make him wear an apron?"

Twilight giggled.

"Yeah, a pink frilly one. He looks ridiculous in it. It's important to show dominance with dragons, you know?"

She'd downed about half of her mimosa by now and was starting to feel a little better.

"I...see." Rarity cleared her throat. "Anyway, Twilight darling, about what happened last night--"

Twilight cut her off.

"It's okay, Rarity, really. Nothing happened."

Rarity cocked another eyebrow.

"Nothing...happened?"

"Nope. Nothing happened."

"...nothing at all?"

"Nope. Zilch. Nada. They didn't do a thing. Didn't even try."

Twilight beamed at her with an almost manic-looking grin. Rarity took an uncomfortable sip of her mimosa.

"I...see. So what exactly..."

"They tied me up, dragged me out to the woods, cut me on the leg with a knife, and that was it."

Rarity looked alarmed.

"They cut you?!?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds. Here, look."

Twilight stood up and showed Rarity her flank. The faint outline of a scratch was still visible just above her cutie mark, but it didn't look serious.

"Does it...hurt?"

"Not really."

"So...that's all they did?"

"Yep."

"...that's all they did?"

"Yep."

"I...see. Were they..." she leaned forward and whispered: "...inexperienced?"

"Well, they like to dress up in hoods and capes and romp around in the forest doing bad Nightmare Moon cosplay, so I'm going to say that yes, they probably are, and probably always will be."

There was that manic smile again.

Poor Twilight, thought Rarity. Perhaps a makeover would help. Or at least a shower...

"Round two, ladies!" said Spike, as he burst into the room with his tray again.

Rarity stifled a giggle when she saw the frilly pink apron he was now wearing. Spike's cheeks reddened, and he glared daggers at Twilight, who smiled innocently. Rarity coughed.

"Thank you very much, Spike, but I'm afraid I have to be going. Twilight, dear, I'm ever so glad to hear that you weren't...ahem...manhandled last night**. If there's ever anything I can do for you, please just let me know."

"Thank you, Rarity, but I think I'll be fine."

"No, darling, I insist. If there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask. As far as I'm concerned, I owe you a favor."

"It's okay, Rarity, really--"

"No, Twilight, I insist. I now owe you a favor. Anything you need, please don't hesitate to come to me."

"Uh...alright. I will probably take you up on that, then."

"Good. And now, I'm afraid I must be going. Ta-taa, darling~! Ta-taa, Spikey-Wikey~!"

And with that she vanished out the door in her usual posh manner.

'Spikey-Wikey' turned to face his captor.

"So, should I take these back to the kitchen?" he asked, indicating the two full glasses which still sat on his tray.

"Nope, leave 'em both here!" beamed Twilight.

Later that afternoon, a more cheerful but considerably less steady Twilight was trotting down the road that led out of Ponyville. At the edge of the Everfree Forest stood a small cottage, outside of which a pink-maned yellow pegasus was peering into her mailbox.

"Oh, hi Twilight," she said in a soft voice. She nudged the mailbox shut with her nose.

"Hi, Fluttershy."

"I'm, um, sorry to hear about what happened last night."

Twilight waved a hoof nonchalantly.

"Oh, don't even worry about it! Nothing even happened; I'm fine."

Fluttershy was a bit troubled by the mania in her friend's expression and the aroma of Pone's Farm on her breath. She turned her eyes towards the ground.

"Um, well, if you ever want to talk about it..."

"Thanks, Fluttershy, but it's really not necessary. Nothing happened."

Fluttershy looked up.

"Nothing happened?"

"Nope. Nothing happened."

"Really?"

"Nope. Nothing at all."

"Oh. Um............I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

There was a rather longish bit of awkward silence between them. Then Fluttershy looked up, a little excitedly.

"Um, by any chance are you here for an emotional support animal? If so, I have a wide variety for you to choose from--"

"No, that's okay, Fluttershy," said Twilight quickly. "I'm actually on my way to the Everfree Forest."

"You're going back into the forest?"

"Yeah, turns out I left my bookbag out there. I had some rare books I borrowed from Princess Celestia, and it would be a huge problem if they got lost..."

"Are you sure you can't just leave them? I'm sure the Princess would understand. I think the pegasi have a thunderstorm scheduled for later this afternoon, and I'd hate for you to get caught in it..."

"No, I really think it's better if I go grab them. Especially if it's going to rain later."

"Oh. Um, okay; if that's what you want." She hesitated, pawing at the ground. "Um, would you like me to go with you?"

"Thanks, but I think I can handle it on my own."

"Oh, okay. If you want, you could take one of my emotional support animals with you. As I said, I have a wide variety for you to choose from--"

"Uh, thanks Fluttershy, but I'm pretty well-stocked on support animals at the moment. I've got Owlowiscious, a bird named Peewee I think, and then of course there's Spike..."

"Oh, well, if that's what you want. But, um, if you change your mind..."

"I know, Fluttershy. If I ever need an emotional support animal, you'll be the first pony I talk to!"

There was that manic expression again.

"Anyway, I'm off! I'll talk to you later, Fluttershy!"

"Okay, um, goodbye."

And with that, Twilight trotted off. Fluttershy watched her disappear into the woods, a worried expression on her face.

Thanks to the locator spell she'd keyed to her bookbag, Twilight was able to find the clearing easily enough. The gnarled trees looked a lot less menacing in the daylight, and it seemed like Celestia's guards had cleaned up all signs of the cult's presence. However, the stone altar was still there, and Twilight felt a chill run up her spine as she looked at the place where she was almost...almost...

Twilight sighed. It just wasn't working. Even standing right here, looking at that stupid altar, she couldn't force herself to feel even the least bit terrified. This whole experience had just been one huge, embarrassing (and immensely frustrating) waste of her time. And to make matters worse, it seemed like everypony knew about what had happened. Or, more accurately, what hadn't happened.

"Do I smell or something?!?" she shouted out loud. As if in response, a light breeze stirred and blew a whiff of her own mane into her nostrils. "Ugh! Grrrrrr..."

She kicked at a nearby pebble.

"Seriously, if I ever get a hold of those two weirdos who grabbed me, I'll--"

The pebble she'd kicked flew into a thicket, and suddenly there came a rustling from somewhere inside the brush.

"Who's there?" she cried out.

She spun around to face the source of the rustling. That thicket at the edge of the clearing was rustling slightly. She took a tentative step forward, in the direction of the rustling. Yep, it was definitely rustling.

Rustle.

Rustle rustle.

Rustle rustle rustle rustle.

Rustle.

rustle

Rustle rustle.

Rustle.

"Wow, that bush sure is doing a lot of rustling," said Twilight to herself. "Usually they don't rustle this much. I wonder what could be the source of all that rustling?"

She took a step forward. And then another. And another. She was close enough to peer inside the thicket now. She leaned forward. And then--

"AAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Unfortunately, Twilight's scream turned out to be a bit premature. As she pulled aside the branches of the thicket, what she saw before her was not the wild animal or the rapacious tentacle monster she had envisioned. Rather, it was a small filly, looking inquisitively up at her.

The filly's coat was coal-black, her long, unkempt mane a bright green that almost assaulted the eye. A black and white racing stripe ran down the length of her mane and tail, giving Twilight the impression that this filly could probably go really, really fast.

However, it was the filly's eyes that arrested her attention. They were not the eyes of a normal pony. The irises were a brilliant, deep turquoise color, and the pupils were vertical slits, like the eyes of a reptile, or a kitty-cat.

"What...are you?" said Twilight, half to herself. "Some kind of reptokitty?"

The filly cocked its head to the side, continuing to stare curiously at Twilight. There was a little black horn protruding from the center of her head. The filly was a unicorn, like her! Wait, no, she also had...wings?!?

"Oh, I get it!" exclaimed Twilight, when she finally got it. "You're an alicorn. Wait a minute--an alicorn?!?"

The filly cocked its head to the side, and smiled brightly.

"Pyx!" it said.

"Pyx?"

"Pyx!" agreed the alicorn.

Twilight continued to stare at the alicorn filly. She seemed harmless enough, kind of cute even, but still, there was something about her appearance that bothered her. Something vaguely Nightmare Moonish that she couldn't quite put her hoof on.

"Pyx!" the filly said once more.

"Is that all you can say?" asked Twilight.

"Pyx!" responded the filly. "Pyx pyx pyx pyx pyx!"

Oh no, it's retarded! Twilight thought. I should probably just leave it here. The timber wolves will put it out of its misery.

Still, though, the thought of leaving the poor, defenseless filly to be eaten alive by timber wolves filled her with unease for some reason.

"You poor little thing," said Twilight finally. "You don't have anypony to take care of you, do you?"

"Pyx!" said the filly agreeably.

"Why don't you come home with me? I'll fix you a big dinner, and give you a nice hot bath..."

As she levitated the filly out of the thicket, a breeze rose up around her and she caught a whiff of her unwashed mane again.

"Whew!" she said. "I guess I could use a bath too. Come on, filly; let's go home."

"Pyx!" responded the filly.

Unfortunately, Twilight had forgotten all about her bookbag.

Author's Note

** A note on Rarity's vocabulary:

Ordinarily, one would not expect someone living in an all-equine universe to be familiar with the word "manhandled," seeing as how they would be familiar with neither man nor hands. However, it is a little-known fact that, thousands of years in the past, Equestria was populated by a race of humanoid ape-creatures. These creatures booped the ponies so incessantly that a centuries-long war was fought, resulting in the extinction of the entire species. However, their architecture and technology was appropriated by the ponies, and fragments of their language survive to this day. You can't prove that it didn't happen.

Chapter Two: Pyx is Worst OC

Storm clouds were beginning to gather as Twilight left the clearing, and by the time she made it back as far as Fluttershy's cottage the rain was falling steadily. There was a sudden crack of thunder, and an instant later the heavens erupted in a downpour.

Twilight galloped along the road as fast as she could, the filly riding on her back. She had tucked it underneath her mane to give it some shelter from the storm, but by now it had to be as soaked as she was.

She threw open the door to her tree library.

"SPIKE!!" she yelled.

The baby dragon was seated in his favorite easy chair in the corner, wrapped in a maroon dressing gown. The door hit the wall with a loud crack, startling him so badly that the bubble pipe he was smoking fell out of his mouth and clattered to the floor.

"Oh, hey Twilight," he said, recovering his nerves. "What happened? You get caught in the rain?"

She glared at him and rolled her eyes.

"No, Spike, I just figured that since it was such a nice afternoon, I'd go for a quick splash in the pond while I was out."

"Did you find your bookbag?" he asked, ignoring her sarcasm.

Twilight came to a dead halt.

"Oh, for Celestia's sake--"

She wheeled around and was halfway out the door again when Spike's voice called her to a halt.

"Twilight, stop! You can't go look for it now, it's raining cats and dogs out there! Besides, those books are probably ruined."

He bent down to pick up his bubble pipe off the floor.

"What happened, couldn't you find it out there?" he asked.

"No, Spike, I forgot to even look for it."

"You forgot? How could you forget? That was the whole reason you went out."

"Well, I got kind of distracted by--"

She started to turn her head towards the wet, shivering lump under her mane, but she stopped. She wasn't quite sure she wanted Spike to know about the filly just yet.

Spike's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Got distracted by what? You head on down to the 'Canterlot Royal Library' to do a little 'afternoon research?'" He cocked his head back and pantomimed drinking from a bottle.

Phew! thought Twilight. He doesn't think I'm a foal-napper; he just thinks I'm a lush. And I'm not; I can stop any time I want to.

"Can it, Spike, I'm not in the mood for a lecture," she said. "And anyway, I'm soaked, and I need a bath. Why don't you go make us some daffodil sandwiches or something?"

"Yes, Miss Daisy," muttered Spike as he tossed his half-finished pipe onto a nearby end table and trotted off toward the kitchen.

"And put your apron on!" Twilight shouted after him.

Upstairs, Twilight locked the door to the bathroom and drew a nice, hot bath for herself and the filly. The steam rising from the top of the water filled the room with a comfortable heat, a nice contrast from the storm that was now raging just outside the window.

Gently, she levitated the wet little lump from underneath her mane. The filly appeared to have fallen asleep at some point during the ride over here. Either that or it had died of hypothermia. A broken neck was also a possibility, as it had fallen off of her back at least nine times on the road. Twilight levitated it a bit closer and examined it. Neck intact; still breathing. Good, it was just sleeping.

Still holding it in the faint pinkish glow of her horn aura, she examined the filly a little more closely.

"You really do look an awful lot like Nightmare Moon," she said to herself, lifting up one of the filly's eyelids slightly for a closer look at those weird reptilian eyes. "Hmm, and that cult that abducted me were all dressed up like Nightmare Moon as well. I wonder if that spell they cast was to try and summon Nightmare Moon? It would certainly explain all of the Nightmare Moon costumes they were wearing, and all of that chanting about Nightmare Moon."

She let go of the filly's eyelid. It yawned slightly, and continued to sleep.

"It would be awfully bad for Equestria if Nightmare Moon came back," mused Twilight aloud, "But it certainly would explain why this weird Nightmare Moon-looking filly suddenly appeared in the place where the Nightmare Moon spell was cast by the Nightmare Moon cult. Still, I wonder what Celestia would say if I told her that I'd found a filly Nightmare Moon in the woods where a Nightmare Moon cult had been trying to summon Nightmare Moon? Would she be all like, 'oh, it's just a coincidence that this filly looks like Nightmare Moon'? Or would she be all like, 'Nightmare Moon! We can't have another Nightmare Moon running around Equestria being all Nightmare Moony, just Nightmare Mooning it up all over the place! She might even send her to the moon, like she did with the original Nightmare Moon, who may or may not be reincarnated as this filly who is suspiciously Nightmare Moonish in her appearance! Would I really want to be responsible for getting some innocent filly sent to the moon just because she resembles Nightmare Moon, even though she might not actually be Nightmare Moon?"

There came a knock at the door.

"Twilight?" Spike's voice called out. "You're saying Nightmare Moon an awful lot in there. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, Spike!" said Twilight. "Hey, why don't you go and whip up some celery soup to go with those sandwiches? I could sure go for some right about now!"

There was a pause, followed by a heavy sigh. She could hear Spike muttering angrily under his breath as he tromped back down the stairs. Twilight heaved a sigh of relief.

She returned her attention to the filly, which appeared to be still asleep. No matter how hard she tried to put the thought of Nightmare Moon out of her mind, her thoughts continued drifting in a Nightmare Moonwardly direction. Sure, this filly had a lime-green mane with a racing stripe in it, and the stripe sure did make her look like she could go fast (faster than Nightmare Moon, even), but if you covered that up...well, she was a dead ringer for Nightmare Moon.

"I'd better keep you a secret from the Princess for now," said Twilight out loud again. "After all, we don't really know what you are, now do we? In the meantime, I'll do a little research and we'll see if we can't just figure out where you came from."

Speaking of 'research...'

Still holding the filly, Twilight opened the door to the bathroom cabinet. Sure enough, the bottle she'd planted as a decoy was gone. As she'd suspected, however, Spike hadn't thought to rummage any further back; the second bottle was still there. She pulled it out and uncorked it, and took a celebratory swig. Once again, she had outwitted her ~~slave~~ ~~pet~~ friend.

"Now then, filly," she said, "Let's have us a nice, hot bath, what do you say?"

The filly continued to slumber contentedly. Twilight frowned.

"Hey, wake up, filly!" she said. "It's bathtime now."

Silence.

She levitated it up and down a few times to try and shake it awake. No response. She cast a furtive glance to either side to make sure nopony was watching.

"Whoops!"

Her horn aura suddenly evaporated, and the filly fell onto the bathmat with a soft plop. This seemed to do the trick: she yawned, shook her head, and looked up at Twilight with those Nightmare Mooninite eyes.

"Pyx?" she asked.

"Pyx," agreed Twilight.

Then, she levitated the filly once again, holding it out over the bathwater.

"Pyx!!" cried the filly in alarm. She looked down at the bathwater and then back at Twilight. She began to struggle.

"Now now," said Twilight, struggling to hold on to the squirming filly, "Don't you want to get nice and clean? You were out in the woods all night, and you're all covered with mud, and brambles, and--"

"PYX!!"

As Twilight lowered her into the water, the filly suddenly cried out in panic. There was a bright flash as her horn ignited.

"Hey, wait a minute--"

Suddenly, Twilight found that her aura had been dissipated and there was nothing in the space where the filly had been. Her eyes darted around the room in confusion for a moment. Then there was a second flash, and the filly reappeared on top of the sink.

"Teleportation?!?" exclaimed Twilight. "Now how in Equestria did you manage something like that? I had to study for years to master that spell..."

She took a step towards the filly again, but the filly was on guard. There was another flash, and she was gone. Twilight whirled around to find her seated atop the lid of the toilet.

"Pyx!" she said accusingly.

Twilight took a deep breath to calm herself down. She decided it would be a good idea not to make any more sudden movements.

"Now now, filly," she said, in the most soothing voice she could muster. "There's nothing to be scared of! I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just trying to give you a bath."

"Pyx?"

The filly cocked her head to one side, still looking rather suspiciously at Twilight.

Twilight smiled patronizingly. She moved over to the bathtub and splashed her front hooves gently in the water.

"See?" she said, "Nothing to be afraid of. It's just bathwater. Now let's just hold still, and we'll go to the tub, and we'll both get nice and clean!"

Twilight flashed a big, toothy grin. The filly raised an eyebrow, seemed to consider the situation for a moment, and then smiled and gave a quick nod.

"Pyx!" she said.

"Great!" said Twilight, taking a step forward. Her horn flared up, and she once again enveloped the filly in her aura. The filly began to levitate upward, moving slowly toward the bath--

Then there was a bright flash, and suddenly Twilight lost all sense of space and coordination. She had an uncomfortable sense that she was floating in midair. She flailed her limbs about in a panic, trying to find terra firma, as her eyes darted frantically about the room, looking for something with which she could orient herself.

She realized that she was hovering above the bath about a fraction of a second before gravity caught up with her, and then suddenly she was underwater. She splashed around helplessly, until finally she was able to find the edge of the tub with her forelegs and pull herself up over the rim. Spitting out bathwater, she spied the filly sitting on its haunches in front of the door. As soon as she saw that Twilight was looking, she flashed her a triumphant grin.

"Pyx!" she said. Her horn began to glow again; the aura was the same bright green as her mane. Twilight heard the tumbler turning in the lock, and then the bathroom door swung open.

The filly raised her hoof in a kind of salute, and then she turned and darted out the door.

"HEY!!" cried Twilight, and once again began splashing around in the tub, struggling to pull herself out. After several seconds of this, she remembered to her embarrassment that she knew how to teleport as well.

Her horn flashed, and she disappeared and re-materialized on the bathmat, dripping wet. There was a clunk to her left, and to her extreme annoyance she realized she had miscalculated her landing. Her bottle of secret bathroom wine was now lying on its side, spilling its precious contents out onto the floor.

"Okay, that's it!" she cried. "You get back here right now, you little--"

She took off at a gallop.

Downstairs, Spike was standing on a footstool in front of the stove, sullenly stirring a pot full of celery soup. He was once again clad in the pink frilly apron, as well as a white chef's hat that he wore because...because... Hey, wait a minute; why was he wearing the chef's hat? He took it off and tossed it angrily to the side.

"Put on your apron, Spike," he muttered, still stirring the soup. "Bring me a mimosa, Spike! Stop ogling my friends, Spike! Make me a sandwich, Spike! How about some soup, Spike? Where has that claw been, Spike?!?"

Owlowicious, Twilight's pet owl, was perched on the counter nearby, watching him. He cocked his head inquisitively to the side.

"WHO?" he inquired.

Spike turned his head, as if he'd forgotten the owl was there. He sighed.

"Huh?" he asked. "Oh, just Twilight. Sometimes, she just--sometimes I just wanna--sometimes I just wanna burn this tree to the--"

Suddenly, there was a loud crash from somewhere outside the kitchen.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU!!" Twilight sounded angry. There was a scurry of hooves on the floor just outside, and then suddenly the kitchen door burst open.

A young foal with a lime green mane and a really boss-looking racing stripe came barreling into the room.

"PYYYYYYYYYX!!!" it screamed.

It darted under Spike's footstool, knocking against one of the legs and throwing him off balance.

"WHOA..." cried Spike, struggling to right himself. The stool was teetering dangerously to one side, but he wouldn't fall, so long as he just...

"GET BACK HERE!!!"

Before Spike could even blink, Twilight burst into the room, puffs of steam spouting from her nostrils.

"Twilight, help--"

But it was as if she didn't even see Spike. She scanned the room, and her eyes narrowed when she spotted what she was looking for, crouching against the shelf at the end of the room.

"Twilight, I can't hold on, I'm about to fall--"

Ignoring him, Twilight snorted again and pawed at the ground with her hoof.

"Looks like you're cornered," she said. "End of the line for you, missy. Now for the last time, let's say we turn around, you get your little rump upstairs, and you can take your ba--"

The filly stuck out her tongue.

"Pyx!" she said defiantly.

That was the final straw. Twilight charged, passing within a hair's breadth of Spike, who was still trying desperately to maintain balance on top of the teetering footstool. In the last instant before she would have caught her, the filly teleported again.

Twilight tried to stop herself, but she was moving too fast. She careened headlong into a tall shelf laden with pots and pans and jars of spices and herbs. The shelf wobbled back and forth for a few perfunctory seconds, and then fell on top of her with a loud crash.

"WHOA!!!!" cried Spike, as the vibrations caused the stool to shift in the other direction, and tilt dangerously towards the bubbling pot of soup.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash.

"WAAHH!! WHAT THE HELL?!?" Spike cried out in alarm as a filly suddenly appeared in the air, just inches from his face.

The filly had about an eighth of a second to enjoy her moment of triumph. Then, she came to the realization that she had miscalculated her landing point: she had re-materialized directly over a boiling pot of celery soup.

"PYYYYYYX!!!" she screamed, trying to teleport again, but it was too late. She fell into the pot with a splash.

"PYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYX!!!"

The filly blasted out of the pot like a rocket, and a green blur with a black and white racing stripe whizzed past Spike and sent him teetering in the other direction. The pot, meanwhile, had been knocked off the stove, and it fell to the floor with a crash, spilling its contents all over the place.

The rolling pot grazed the leg of Spike's footstool. The small amount of force was enough to once again send it tilting back in the other direction.

"WAAAAAH!!" Spike finally lost his balance, and went tumbling head over heels in a somersault, crashing into a cupboard on the opposite side of the room. A flurry of pots and pans overhead came loose from their hooks, and went crashing down all around him.

Meanwhile, the green blur rocketed about the room, screaming atonally and dislodging any remaining pots and pans. Eventually, it found the door and went racing back up the stairs. They both heard the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut and latching.

Spike sat up slowly, trying to shake the ringing out of his ears. A saucepan that he had somehow wound up wearing as a hat slid to one side and hit the ground with a clatter.

"What the--what was that?!?" he demanded.

Something was scuffling around underneath the overturned shelf. The shelf was engulfed in a purple aura, and then it suddenly righted itself. Twilight Sparkle, her damp coat now powdered with eleven original herbs and spices, sat up and grunted.

Owlowiscious swooped down and alighted on top of her horn.

"WHO?" he demanded.

Chapter Three: Twilight Sparkle Really Wants a Baby

"So...you just found some lost filly in the woods and decided to bring her home with you?"

Spike and Twilight stood together at the edge of Twilight's bed, watching the little filly slumber.

"Shhhh," admonished Twilight in a whisper. "Don't wake her up."

Spike scowled at her, and rubbed some more ointment on his celery-soup burns.

"I oughta wake her up and strangle her," he grumbled. "And besides, she could probably sleep through just about anything now. She drank like half a bottle of wine."

"That wasn't my fault, Spike," said Twilight.

"I never said that it was."

"Well, good. Because it wasn't."

"You did leave it out, though."

"It got knocked over. I didn't think there was anything left in the bottle."

"Well, obviously there was."

The two of them stood in silence for a few moments, watching the sleeping filly.

"She is going to have a mighty big headache tomorrow, though," said Twilight.

"Yeah, you would know," Spike retorted. Then, after a moment: "So, what are you going to call her?"

"I was thinking of calling her 'Pyx'. On account of how that's all she seems to be able to say."

Spike rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, real original."

"Well, do you have any better suggestions?"

"How about Trebuchet? On account of how I plan on using one to send her back to the Everfree Forest where she belongs."

"Not on your life, buster!" admonished Twilight.

Spike sighed heavily.

"Oh, come on, Twilight. What are you planning to do with her? Just keep her locked up in here like a pet?"

"Why not? That's what I do with you."

"Yeah, but--"

"But what?"

"But you can't just decide to adopt some random foal you found in the woods! What about her parents?"

"Look at her, Spike. She's an alicorn! Who could her parents possibly be?"

"That just makes it worse! Who even knows where she came from?"

"All the more reason she needs somepony to take care of her."

"All the more reason we shouldn't get involved!"

"She needs a mother, Spike."

"She probably has one already!"

Twilight scoffed.

"What kind of mother lets her filly go wandering around in the Everfree Forest unprotected?" she demanded.

"Gee, I don't know, maybe the same kind of mother that gives her filly half a bottle of wine before bedtime?"

"I didn't give it to her, Spike, she just drank it on her own!"

"Are you seriously going to split hairs on that?"

Twilight sighed.

"Come on, Spike. Look at her! Look at how helpless and adorable she is! All alone, with nopony to look after her..."

Twilight gazed lovingly at the sleeping filly, who suddenly belched. Spike wrinkled his nose at the aroma of half-digested wine wafting up at them.

"You honestly think the Princess will sign off on this?" he demanded.

Twilight smiled mischievously.

"She won't have to if she doesn't know about it."

Spike's jaw dropped.

"Now you're just being crazy!" he blustered. "There are rules for this kind of thing, Twilight! Do you have any idea what could happen to you if you get labeled a foal-napper? Remember what happened to Rainbow Dash when she tried to 'adopt' Scootaloo?"

Twilight waved her hoof dismissively.

"Slap on the fetlock," she said. "They made her take some classes and put her name on a registry, that was it."

"Twilight...this is serious. You've pulled some stunts before, but this...you could get sent to the moon for this!"

"Spike, can't you see that anypony getting sent to the moon is exactly the scenario I'm trying to prevent?!?"

Spike just stared at her blankly.

It finally happened, he thought. She finally cracked.

In his mind, he was already composing the letter. "Dear Princess Celestia," it went, "After a long, grueling battle, Twilight's sanity has finally passed on into the next world. Please send a couple of strong muscular stallions in white coats to pick her up and take her back to Canterlot. Give her a nice padded room, with lots of sunlight and fresh air, where she can finally get the professional help she so desperately needs. Signed: your faithful student's long-suffering dragon assistant, Spike."

Twilight, seeing that Spike was not comprehending her, grunted in exasperation and pointed at the sleeping filly.

"Look at her!" she cried.

The filly stirred a little in her sleep.

"Look at her," said Twilight again, in a softer voice.

Spike looked.

"Yeah?"

"Do you see?"

"Um...yes?"

"So you understand why we can't tell the Princess about her?"

Spike looked at the filly, then back at Twilight, then back at the filly again.

"Uh...because you gave her half a bottle of wine?"

Twilight snorted.

"LOOK AT HER!" she insisted. "Look at those wings! That horn! Those eyes! Doesn't she remind you of anypony?"

Spike looked again.

"Uh..."

"Look, Spike!"

Spike kept looking.

"Who does she remind you of?"

"Uh........Flurry Heart?" he said finally.

"Who?!?"

Spike shrugged.

"I'm sorry, Twilight. I have no idea what you're talking about, so I just made up the silliest name I could think of."

In frustration, Twilight grabbed Spike's head between her hooves and turned it to look at Pyx.

"It's Nightmare Moon!" she hissed.

Spike was alarmed.

"What? Where?"

"No, I mean Pyx!" said Twilight, again turning his head around to face the filly. "Look at her! She's a dead ringer for Nightmare Moon!"

Spike stared.

"Um, did Nightmare Moon always have a racing stripe in her hair?"

"Forget the racing stripe, Spike!"

She let go of Spike's head and placed her front legs over Pyx's mane.

"Ignore her mane. Doesn't she look an awful lot like Nightmare Moon?"

Spike shrugged.

"Sorry, Twilight. Honestly, without manes, all of you ponies kind of look the same to me."

Twilight's aura glowed, and gently lifted up one of Pyx's eyelids. The reptilian eye squinted at them.

"How about now?"

"Uh, sorry. Still not seeing it."

Twilight grunted. Her aura faded and Pyx's eyelid closed again. Pyx yawned, belched, and rolled over.

"Look Spike, you're just going to have to take my word on this one. This pony is the reincarnation of Nightmare Moon!"

In his mind, Spike made a postscript to his letter to Celestia: "PS: Please send help as quickly as possible. I fear for my safety and for the safety of everypony around me."

"Uh, if you say so, Twilight," was all he said out loud. "But, uh, if she's...uh...Nightmare Moon, isn't that all the more reason we should tell the Princess about her?"

"NO!! Because we don't know that she's Nightmare Moon! But if she is Nightmare Moon, the Princess will send her to the moon! And she might send me to the moon as well! After all, if I'm harboring Nightmare Moon, that means I'm aiding and abetting Nightmare Moon! And that's almost as bad as being Nightmare Moon! You don't know the Princess, Spike! You don't know what she's really like! She sends ponies to the moon all the time, Spike! Ponies who aren't even Nightmare Moon at all! Look at poor little Pyx, Spike! Would you really want that to happen to her?!? Would you want her to be sent off to the moon?!? With the freezing cold, and the lack of oxygen, and the incredibly low gravity, and the mysterious dark side that Ponk Floyd sang about?!? Oh, sweet Celestia, I couldn't live with that on my conscience--"

As Twilight continued her manic babble, Spike was edging slowly towards the pen and parchment on the bureau.

In the end, Spike decided not to send his letter. It wasn't because Twilight had ordered him, or even begged him, not to send it. At the time, she was so focused on Pyx that she didn't even realize he'd written a letter; he could have easily sent it off to the Princess without arousing the slightest suspicion. But for some reason, he didn't send it.

To the end of his days, he was never quite certain what had stayed his claw that night. It may have been that he felt sorry for young Pyx, all alone in the world with nopony to take care of her. Or perhaps he was afraid of what the Princess might do to her, in the event that she really was Nightmare Moon, or Nightmare Moon's reincarnation, or something something Nightmare Moon, or whatever Twilight thought she was exactly.

However, although these things may have played a part, it was most likely Twilight herself that made up his mind for him. As he stood there at the bureau, holding his claw behind his back and frantically scribbling his missive to the Princess, there was something in his oldest friend's behavior that gave him pause. Something about the way she was standing at her own bedside, foregoing sleep and holding vigil while little Pyx slept. Something about the way she sang softly to her, one of those old Ponish songs she used to sing to him when he was younger. Something about the way she attended to Pyx when she suddenly started to cough up winey vomit. Something about the way she rolled Pyx over on her side so she wouldn't end up like Poni Hendrix. Something about the way she mopped the puke off of the pillow so Pyx wouldn't have to sleep in it. Yes, there was something...something almost motherly about all of it.

Or...maybe not. Maybe it was something even simpler that moved him. Maybe it was just pity. Pity for the both of them. Or, maybe he realized that Twilight just needed this. Maybe these two idiots...needed each other.

Whatever it was, his scribbling began to slow, and then finally stopped. He watched them for a moment longer, and then he coughed.

Twilight turned to look at him.

"Something the matter, Spike?"

"Oh no, I've just got something in my throat is all," he said.

He coughed again, and a third time. Each time he did, he crumpled the letter a little more, until finally it was just a tiny little ball he could hide in his claw.

"I think I'm going to head to bed, Twilight," he said. "It's getting late. You need anything before I go?"

Twilight smiled.

"No, I'm okay, Spike. Thanks for asking."

He headed downstairs, tossing the wadded-up letter into the fireplace on the way to the kitchen.

Twilight had more or less put the kitchen to right, but things were still a little out of order. Spike set about rearranging the pots and jars and things on the shelves, until everything was back the way it was supposed to be. He sighed. What would Twilight ever do without me? he wondered.

When he was finished, he put a kettle on the stove, and set about making his evening cup of cocoa. While the water slowly heated up, he went to his sleeping corner and changed back into his dressing gown.

Maybe this will be good for Twilight, he thought to himself, as he refilled his pipe with bubble-liquid. It might even teach her some responsibility, like having a pet or something. She might even get a letter to the Princess out of it:

'Dear Princess Celestia: today I learned that foal-napping is okay sometimes......because something something, Friendship is Magic.'

The kettle began to whistle, and he hurried back to the kitchen to take it off the burner.

"On the other claw," he said out loud. "Maybe that's not such a good idea. Maybe I should just hope she doesn't end up getting thrown in a dungeon or sent to the gallows or something."

He thought about it a moment longer, and then he shrugged. It was a sticky situation to be sure, but sometimes...sometimes you just had to listen to your heart.

If nothing else, he thought, maybe she'll at least lay off the sauce a little from now on.

Unfortunately for Spike, he would soon discover that he had been wrong, on literally all counts. Soon he would learn that there are indeed times when it's best to listen to your heart. However, there are also times when it's best to realize that your heart has no idea what it's talking about.

Chapter Five: Pyx Receives her Perfunctory Introduction to the Remaining Canon Characters

Twilight walked a little unsteadily. The sun was now close to its zenith, and the Spring day was already growing uncomfortably warm. The three...maybe four (five) glasses of wine she'd had that morning were beginning to wear off, and she'd begun to feel that familiar taut-piano-wire sensation taking hold of her body again. However, before she could go home and refresh herself, there was something important she had to take care of.

Behind her, Pyx was strutting confidently down the road, her chest puffed out. She kept glancing around to see if anypony was looking at her new outfit. Spike, still in his teddy bear costume and now sweating profusely in the late morning heat, watched her and rolled his eyes.

"You know she just gave you a bunch of stuff off the bargain rack, right?"

"You're just jealous because you don't look fabulous!" said Pyx, a little snippily, and in fairly good imitation of Rarity's trans-Equestrian accent. "Nipah~~!"

"Yeah, whatever," muttered Spike.

Suddenly, Twilight drew them to an abrupt halt.

"Hey there, Twilight!" came a mysterious, drawling voice from somewhere ahead. Pyx poked her head curiously around Twilight's body.

The speaker was an orange-colored earth pony with a blonde mane, wearing a cowboy hat. Next to her was a sky blue pegasus with a rainbow mane, and on the other side was a pink earth pony whose mane resembled cotton candy.

"Hey, Twi," the pegasus said casually. Then, when she noticed Spike, she burst out laughing. The pink pony also noticed and joined in, the two of them rolling around on the ground in a fit of hysterics.

"Heh, that's a mighty nice outfit ya got there, Spike!" said the orange one. She was doing a better job of restraining herself than her two companions, but she was still clearly amused. Spike ground his teeth and stared at the road. "You, uh, get that at Rarity's?"

"Nope, that's just his Hearth's Warming gift!" Twilight interjected before Spike could say something unpleasant. "He's just been itching for a chance to show it off. Isn't that right, Spike?"

"Itching doesn't even begin to describe it," said Spike. He cleared his throat and dusted his teddy bear paws. "Welp, I think I've had enough public humiliation for one day, so if there's nothing else, I think I'd like to go home and hang myself now."

He began to stomp off down the road in the direction of Twilight's library.

"Don't forget to put dinner on the stove!" called out Twilight.

Meanwhile, the three ponies had gotten most of the laughter out of their systems, although the blue one was still snickering a little.

"Anyway," said Twilight, "I'm glad I bumped into you three. It saves me the trouble of visiting all of you individually. I wanted to introduce you to somepony very important."

She stepped aside and gestured for Pyx to come forward.

"This is my cousin," said Twilight. "Her name is--"

"OOOH!! Don't tell me!!" the pink one blurted excitedly. "Let me guess: umm...Black Snooty? No? How about...um...Night Ranger? Nighthawk? Night Crawler? Dark Magus? Blackjack? Mary Sue?"

She darted back and forth, examining Pyx from all angles. Pyx was a little uncomfortable; it felt like this pony's gaze could somehow penetrate into her innermost being. She also noticed that Twilight was holding her breath for some reason.

"Oh, wait! I've got it!! Your name is Nightmare Moo--"

"Her name is Pyx, and she's my cousin!" cut in Twilight quickly. "She's visiting from Detrot!"

"Your cousin?" the orange pony said skeptically.

"Detrot?" said the blue pony, also skeptically.

"Yep!" said Twilight. "Pyx, why don't you step forward and say hello to my friends. This is Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash."

She extended a hoof, indicating the orange and pink earth ponies and the pegasus in turn.

"Umm, I'm here too," said a soft voice. A yellow pegasus stepped shyly into the foreground.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" said Twilight. "Pyx, this one is called Fluttershy."

"It's nice to meet you all!" said Pyx. "Nipah~~!"

"Apples!" said Applejack.

"20% cooler!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Yay!" said Fluttershy.

"Cupcakes!" said Pinkie Pie.

"And that's all you need to know about any of these ponies!" said Twilight. "Welp, it was nice running into you all, but I'm afraid we need to be getting home now."

"Yeah, I should probably get going myself," said Rainbow Dash. "Technically I shouldn't even be here right now. I need to complete another fifteen hours of community service before I'm legally allowed to be around foals again."

With a mighty flap of her wings, she vanished into the wild blue yonder, leaving a rainbow-colored trail in her wake.

"An' I should probably be gettin' on back to the farm," said Applejack. "Them apples ain't gonna buck themselves. Apples!"

She turned and trotted off down the road.

"For no reason, I also need to leave!" said Pinkie Pie. She began to hop gaily away in a completely random direction, singing nonsensical gibberish to herself.

Fluttershy, for her part, seemed to have melted into the scenery at some point, and there was no further sign of her. It was just Pyx and Twilight alone on the road now.

"Well, Pyx," said Twilight cheerfully. "I think that went pretty well! Nopony even had a clue about who you really are!"

"Uh...who am I really again?" asked Pyx.

"You are Pyx Trebuchet! And don't ever let anypony tell you different!"

"Oh, okay. Is there some reason we need to keep that a secret?"

"Nope, not at all! You just go on being yourself! But don't forget, you also have to keep wearing your vest and glasses at all times from now on! And if anypony asks, tell them you're my cousin!"

"Oh...........okay. Nipah~~!"

"Nipah, indeed! Now let's you and me go home and get Mommy some happy juice!"

And the two of them headed off down the road.

Time passed. Days became weeks, Spring journeyed onward towards Summer, and soon the town of Ponyville had grown accustomed to occasionally seeing a mysterious bespectacled filly peeking out of the window at Twilight's library. Local buzz had it that the filly was actually Twilight's cousin, and that she had come to Ponyville to study and help out at the library. However, library patrons seemed to find it passing strange that this mystery cousin was always out of sight when they came by, and whispers began to circulate amongst the townsponies regarding the filly's unexplained absence from school.

As the rumors piled up they became weirder and weirder, and soon Twilight realized that she could not keep little Pyx locked up inside the library forever. Also, the ever-curious filly was beginning to ask her some uncomfortable questions, such as: "Why do I always have to wear these glasses, Mommy?" and "Why do I always have to hide in the basement, Mommy?" and "Why do I have to say I'm your cousin but also call you Mommy, Mommy?" and of course: "Why are you always pacing around and muttering to yourself about somepony named 'Nightmare Moon', Mommy?"

And so it came about that on a warm, sunny morning, Twilight Sparkle and her enigmatic cousin or daughter or whatever finally ventured forth from the confines of their arboresque abode.

"Don't worry, Pyx!" said Twilight to the filly as they walked. "Everypony at Cheerilee's school is going to just love you! You have nothing to be nervous about!"

"I'm not nervous!" chirped Pyx. "I'm just happy I don't have to stay locked up in the basement anymore! Tutturu~~!"

"Tutturu~~!" replied Twilight. She hiccuped. "Whoops, better not let Miss Cheerilee smell Mommy's breath! Anyway, here we are!"

They had arrived at the front of a cheerful red and white schoolhouse, decorated all over with hearts. The bell had just begun to ring, and all the little colts and fillies gathered in the schoolyard were marching inside.

A maroon-colored earth pony took notice of the duo's approach, and walked out to meet them.

"Hello, Twilight," she said. "Is this the cousin I've heard so much about?"

Pyx regarded her curiously. She had a light pink striped mane, and her cutie mark was a bunch of smiling flowers. She seemed friendly enough.

"Yep!" said Twilight. "This is Pyx Trebuchet, my cousin from Detrot!"

The mare looked at Pyx and smiled brightly.

"Why, hello there, Pyx Trebuchet! It's nice to meet you! My name is Miss Cheerilee, and I'm going to be your teacher from now on!"

"Good morning, Miss Cheerilee!" said Pyx, responding as Twilight had instructed her. "It's nice to meet you, too! Tutturu~~!"

Miss Cheerilee looked back at Twilight with a puzzled expression.

"Toot-a-roo?" she asked.

Twilight shrugged.

"I'm sorry, it's just something she does."

"Oh, I see." Cheerilee leaned in closer and whispered: "She's not...er...'special', is she?"

"What? Oh, no, no!" Twilight assured her. "It's just...well...how much do you know about the Detrot public school system?"

"Oh. Oh, I see," said Miss Cheerilee. "Well, I suppose that means I've got my work cut out for me..."

She examined the filly, taking note of her gaudy, shabby-looking vest and hand-me-down glasses.

"No, no, there's no need to worry," Twilight said. "I've been tutoring her! Yessirree, that, and only that, is the reason that nopony in town has seen her for the last month and a half!"

"Oh, well, that changes things, then!" said Cheerilee. "Thank you, Twilight, for that succinct explanation of Pyx's whereabouts up until now, and thank you for enrolling her in school in a somewhat timely fashion. I always hate dealing with Equestrian Social Services. You've saved me a looooot of paperwork~~!"

"Noooooo problem~~!"

The two candy-colored ponies beamed at each other.

"Anyway, thanks for seeing her to school," said Cheerilee. "She should be home shortly after lunchtime!"

"Sounds super!"

"Oh, and Twilight?" Cheerilee leaned forward and whispered again: "You might want to...er...pop a breath mint."

"Nooooo problem~~!" said Twilight again. And with that, she wheeled around and trotted back to the library.

Cheerilee turned her attention to the foal.

"Now then, Pyx. Are you ready to come inside and learn?"

Pyx gave her brightest little smile.

"Tutturu~~!" she said.

"Let's all take our seats, everypony," said Cheerilee as she strode to the front of the classroom. The bustle and chatter in the room gradually died out as the foals sat down and turned their attention to the teacher.

When the room was finally quiet, Cheerilee gestured to Pyx, who had been standing in the corner, uncertain of what to do.

"Now class, we have somepony new joining us today," said Cheerilee. "I'd like you all to give a warm Ponyville Elementary welcome to our newest student, Pyx! Pyx, would you like to come up here and introduce yourself?"

Pyx trotted to the front of the classroom. Everypony's eyes were on her, and it made her a little uncomfortable, but the teacher gave her a reassuring nod. She put on her biggest, brightest smile and began to speak:

"Uh, hi everypony," she began, and waved. "My name is Pyx Trebuchet! Tutturu~~!"

Dead silence.

"Trebuchet?" whispered somepony.

"Tutturu?" whispered somepony else.

Pyx swallowed and looked at Miss Cheerilee. The teacher gave her a reassuring smile.

"Would you like to tell us a little more about yourself?" she asked.

"Um, well..." Pyx took a deep breath and smiled bigly again.

"Well, like I said, my name is Pyx Trebuchet, but you can just call me Pyx because everypony else does! I'm Twilight Sparkle's cousin from Detrot, only she makes me call her Mommy for some reason. Also, I don't remember anything about ever living in Detrot and I don't know why, so please don't ask me about it because it stresses me out!

"I've been living in Ponyville for a month and a half, but this is the first time I've ever been let outside the library! Usually, I have to stay inside with Spike and the owl, and I think there might be another bird in there named Peewee, but I don't remember where he came from or why he's there.

"Whenever anypony comes to the library to check out a book or something, Mommy Twilight tells me I need to hide in the basement. She says it's because baaaaad ponies might try to take me away from her! After that, she usually hugs me a lot and cries, and then she drinks lots and lots of happy-juice until she falls asleep! One time, I was locked in the basement for a whoooole day, because Mommy forgot to let me out. It was okay though, because she has a freezer full of Otto-Pops down there, and she didn't even get mad that I ate a bunch of them! Also, I wasn't supposed to tell you any of that, so please forget I said all of it! Tutturu~~!"

The dead silence somehow became even deadder. Somepony coughed. Miss Cheerilee's smile was looking a bit strained.

"Was.........there anything else, dear?" she asked.

Pyx thought about the question seriously for a moment. Then she nodded and smiled.

"Yes! I'm supposed to tell you that this fabulous vest and headband combination I'm wearing was purchased at Rarity's Carousel Boutique, located in the heart of Downtown Ponyville in the garment district! Come on down for hot new styles at unbeatable prices!! Nipaaaaah~~!"

Silence.

"..........Um, all right then!" said Miss Cheerilee. "Thank you dear; your vest is quite lovely. Now then......did......anypony have any questions for Pyx?"

Absolute silence.

".......Well......okay then! Pyx, why don't you take a seat over there next to Diamond Tiara."

She indicated an empty seat in the back row.

"Now then, class," she continued as Pyx trotted down the aisle, "If you would all get your books out, we can continue from yesterday's lesson. Now, I'm sure we all remember that in Celestial Year One Hundred and Nine, a bloody civil war broke out between the earth ponies and the pegasi, in which untold thousands of ponies were killed. The origin of the conflict was a cryptic message written on a cupcake, which Grand Pegasus Chancellor Fluffy Dumpling interpreted as a grievous insult. She responded with force, ordering the immediate massacre of over nine thousand earth ponies..."

Pyx found her seat and sat down. The pony to her right was staring at her. Pyx stared back. She was pretty. Pyx immediately liked her. Her coat was a light pink, and her mane was white with purple stripes. She wore a silver tiara on her head, identical to the cutie mark of a tiara on her flank. Pyx smiled brightly at her. The other foal simply continued to stare.

Twilight's words from breakfast that morning suddenly echoed in Pyx's mind:

"Don't forget, Pyx, you're not just in school to learn. You're there to make friends!"

"Is making friends really that important?" Pyx had asked.

"Oh, yes!" Twilight had assured her. "Making friends is the best thing ever!"

Pyx continued to smile pleasantly. The foal continued to stare back. Pyx decided to try an ice breaker.

"I like your tiara!" she said, pointing to the headgear in question. "Hey, if you take that off, does your cutie mark disappear?"

The filly continued to stare at her for several seconds longer. Then, she began to lean slowly forward, until eventually their noses were almost touching.

"Everypony already hates you!" she whispered.

Chapter Six: Friendship is Trickier Than it Looks

The bell rang, and all the little fillies and colts trotted outside for recess.

So far, Pyx was surprised to discover that she enjoyed school, especially history. She'd really liked the part of Miss Cheerilee's lecture about the evil pegasus queen who had murdered thousands of earth ponies and tried to take over Equestria. She wondered briefly what it might be like to be an evil queen; it sounded like a fun job! A few days ago at breakfast, Mommy Twilight had asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, but she hadn't known how to respond at the time.

She was a little perplexed by the concept of recess, but once she'd gotten into the groove she discovered she enjoyed that too. Thus far, her life had mostly been spent in a series of rooms and basements, with the outside world existing as an ethereal dimension of which she only caught brief glimpses while traveling. However, as soon as she started romping about in the sunshine, she realized that it was actually a lot of fun out there! The grass, the sky, the air, the birds, the butterflies--all of it was brand new and full of wonder!

Suddenly, a glob of mud hit her in the face. Everything went dark for a second, and then she remembered that she could cast a lot of complicated spells for some reason. Her horn flashed, and the glob of mud vanished into the cornfield, though her glasses were still a bit smudged.

"Ooops, sorry about that~~!"

The mocking voice came from off to the side and a short distance away, and it was followed by a burst of laughter from two fillies. Pyx turned to see the filly who sat next to her in class, the one called Diamond Tiara, along with another filly whose name she didn't know yet. The newcomer had a silver mane and tail, and she wore glasses, just like her.

"Remember, Pyx," said Mommy Twilight's voice in her head. "You're here to make friends!"

I won't let you down, Mommy! Pyx thought to herself. I'll make friends even if I have to murder everypony in Equestria!

"Oh, that's okay!" she said aloud. "I'm sure you didn't mean it! Nipah~~!"

Diamond Tiara's front hoof swiped at the mud in front of her in a graceful arc, and another glob hit Pyx in the face.

"Sorry about that one, too~~!" said Diamond Tiara. The two fillies laughed again.

"That one actually felt like less of an accident," Pyx said. Once again, she was able to teleport most of the mud away, but a bit of it was still smudged on her face and glasses.

"You know, I think she's right, Diamond Tiara!" the gray filly said. "You really should be more careful!"

"You're absolutely right, Silver Spoon," Tiara said. "I'm just sooooo clumsy today! Whoops!"

Her hoof swiped at the mud a third time, and Pyx had to teleport another glob off of her face.

"Maybe if you tell me where you're trying to aim the mud, I can help direct it!" offered Pyx. "You seem to be having a lot of trouble calculating the trajectory! Tutturu~~!"

PLURP. Another glob of mud hit Pyx in the face.

"Well, that time I was aiming for your stupid, ugly vest!" said Diamond Tiara. "So you're right, my aim is terrible!"

They laughed.

"Where did you get that vest, anyway?" asked Silver Spoon. "Did you take it off of somepony's pet dog?"

"My vest?" said Pyx. "Oh, I got it at Rarity's Carousel Boutique, located in the heart of--DRGRGRRRLRRLMPHH!!"

A glob of mud hit her square in the mouth while she was talking.

Making friends is trickier than it looks, thought Pyx.

"...and tho the docktor thaid I wathn't ackshually haffing my period, I jutht need to thtop putting my hoof tho far up there," finished Twist.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo exchanged a long, uncomfortable look, and in that moment an unspoken decision was made.

"Uh, Twist?" said Scootaloo.

"Yeth, Thcootaloo?"

The three fillies regarded the prospect member of their club, who was staring back at them politely. She was a pale cream-colored filly, with a curly red mop for a mane and a pair of peppermint sticks for a cutie mark. The sunlight caught in the lenses of her thick glasses, which made the others squint.

"Um, here's the thing..." began Scootaloo. The little orange pegasus looked to her friends for help.

"We've been doing a lot of thinking," continued Sweetie Belle. "And we've decided that...uh..."

"We've decided that you're just not Crusader material," finished Apple Bloom.

"Yeah," said Scootaloo. "We're sorry, but you're out of the club."

Twist looked back and forth from one filly to the next. They all looked a little uncomfortable, and none of them would meet her gaze.

"Any particular reathon?" she asked finally.

A small amount of spittle flew out of her mouth every time she lisped. Sweetie Belle lifted a hoof to shield herself from the spray, an annoyed expression on her face. Scootaloo glanced sympathetically in her direction, and then returned her attention to Twist.

"Honestly?" said Scoot. "There are a lot of reasons."

The other two nodded in agreement.

"Thutch ath?"

"Well, for one thing," began Apple Bloom, "All of your stories are...kinda gross."

"Yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "Also, you spit when you talk."

"And your breath...kind of smells like kitty litter," added Scootaloo. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle nodded vigorously.

"My Dad thayth that too," said Twist. She breathed lightly into her hoof and sniffed, frowning.

The three senior Crusaders exchanged another look.

"And anyway," offered Apple Bloom, "You already have your cutie mark. Not much point in bein' a Cutie Mark Crusader if you've already got a mark."

"I gueth that maketh thenth," admitted Twist.

"So anyway..." began Scootaloo.

"...we've been thinking that..." continued Sweetie Belle.

"......it's probably best for everypony if you don't hang around with us anymore." finished Apple Bloom. The other two nodded.

"Yeah, it's nothing personal," began Scootaloo. "It's just that..."

"...you're kind of..." continued Sweetie Belle.

"...a terrible character...so to speak," finished Apple Bloom.

The three of them nodded in agreement again.

Twist rubbed a hoof underneath her chin and looked off into the distance, lost in thought. Her nose whistled every time she breathed, and Sweetie Belle noted with disgust that a small bubble kept expanding and contracting around one of her nostrils.

"...that'th...pretty much what my Dad thaid too," said Twist eventually. "Word for word, ackshually. Well, I thuppoth it can't be helpt."

"Well all right then!" said Apple Bloom, smiling brightly. "Thanks for bein' so understandin' about it, Twist!"

"Oh, that'th okay," said Twist. "It wuth fun beink your fourfth Cruthader for awhile! I'm sure I'll find another group of friendth!"

"Best of luck to you!" said Sweetie Belle.

"Let us know if you need any references!" said Scootaloo.

"I will. Thankth, you guyth!"

Twist waved pleasantly to them as she trotted away.

"Welp, that's that," said Apple Bloom. "That wasn't so bad! Just like rippin' a band-aid off!"

"Yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "Only now we need to find another prospect."

"Why?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Don't you think we ought to try and recruit some new members?"

"I dunno, I think we actually work pretty well as a trio..."

"How about her?" Scootaloo interjected suddenly. The others looked at where she was pointing.

"Oh, the new foal?" asked Apple Bloom. "What was her name again?"

"Mary-something, I think," replied Sweetie Belle.

"No," said Scootaloo, "It's Pyx. Pyx Trebuchet."

"Oh yeah," said Apple Bloom. "How could I forget a name like that?"

She followed Scoot's gaze to the other end of the schoolyard, where the little black and green filly was facing off against the school's two most prominent bullies.

"So what do you think?" asked Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle shrugged.

"I really like her...racing stripe?"

Apple Bloom rubbed her chinny chin chin.

"The racing stripe is kinda cool," she admitted. "And she is a blank flank like us. Do you really think she'd make a good Crusader, Scootaloo?"

Scoot shrugged.

"I dunno," she said. "But Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have been throwing mud at her for like ten solid minutes, and she hasn't done anything back yet. She seems like she'd be pretty easy to get along with."

"Hmm, that's a good point!" said Apple Bloom. "And besides, it's not like she's Nightmare Moon or anythin'! What do you think, Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle shrugged.

"I really like her.........racing stripe?"

"Then it's settled!" said Apple Bloom, stomping her front hoof triumphantly. "Pyx Trebuchet is the newest prospect member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

The three of them raised their front hooves in salute.

Later that afternoon, a still-somewhat-mud-caked Pyx followed the directions she'd been given, and found herself at an apple orchard on a large farm. She looked upwards and saw a bunch of rickety wooden steps leading up to a small treehouse.

"Come on up, Pyx!" called out a familiar voice.

Pyx hesitated, not quite liking the look of those stairs. However, Mommy Twilight's voice once again spoke in the back of her mind:

Kill them all, Pyx!

Wait, that wasn't right.

Try and make friends, Pyx!

There we go.

Pyx took a deep breath, put on her bestest, brightest smile, and ascended to the treehouse.

Inside, she found the three fillies who had approached her after class and invited her here. All three of them were blank flanks, just like she was. At a table at the far end of the little room stood a bright yellow earth pony with a bright red mane. To her right was a white unicorn with a fluffy, curled pink and white mane; to the left was a scrappy-looking orange pegasus with a short-cropped purple mane and stunted wings.

"Hi, Pyx! Thanks for comin'!" said the earth pony, the one who had called to her from outside. "I'm Apple Bloom, and this here's Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo!"

She pointed to the other two, both of whom smiled and waved to her.

"Nipaaaaaaaah~~!" said Pyx, beaming.

This was followed by several seconds of awkward silence. The three Crusaders began to shuffle their hooves uncomfortably. Not knowing what else to do, Pyx just stood there smiling.

You're losing them, Pyx! Mommy Twilight's voice whispered urgently in her head.

Oh no! What do I do, Mommy?

Say something else, quick! You don't want them to think you're a retard, do you?

"Tutturuuuuuuuu~~!" she added.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo glanced uncomfortably at each other.

"So, uh, how do you like our clubhouse?" said Apple Bloom quickly.

"Oh, it's great!" said Pyx. "Did you build it yourselves?"

Good job, Pyx! said Mommy Twilight's voice. That was a perfectly normal question to ask!

The other three fillies seemed to relax a little.

"Nah, it was my sister's from when she was a filly," said Apple Bloom.

"We did fix it up, though," added Scootaloo.

"Yeah, it was pretty beat up when she gave it to us," agreed Apple Bloom.

"I made the curtains," said Sweetie Belle proudly. "I got the fabric from my sister."

Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

"You met Rarity, right?" asked Apple Bloom.

Pyx nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes! She made my vest and my headband, and gave me these cooooooooool glasses! Oh, and she wanted me to say that if you are looking for the hottest new fashions at rock bottom prices, you should come on down to Rarity's Carousel Boutique, located at--"

The three fillies suddenly burst out laughing. Pyx looked alarmed.

"Oh no! Did I say something weird again?" she asked.

"What? Oh, no; it's not you we're laughin' at," Apple Bloom assured her. "It's just that Sweetie Belle's sister tells everypony to say that."

"Yeah, you don't have to actually go around town plugging her store for her," said Scootaloo.

"Not unless she's paying you," added Sweetie Belle.

Pyx thought about it for a second.

"Nope, I don't think she's paying me!" she said.

"Well, then you should let Rarity do her own advertising from now on," advised Sweetie Belle, still giggling. Her face straightened after a moment. "I'm awful sorry about what happened to your vest, though."

The other two nodded sympathetically.

For a moment Pyx wasn't sure what they were talking about. Then, she glanced down at her vest and saw that it was still stained with mud from earlier.

"Oh, that's okay!" she said, smiling brightly. "I'm sure Mommy can get it cleaned up! Anyway, Mommy told me I should try to make friends with as many ponies as I can! I didn't know making friends was going to get my vest so dirty, but if that's what it takes, then I don't mind! Nipaaaaah~~!"

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom exchanged a concerned look.

"Uhhh....." ventured Scootaloo. "You do know that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon weren't trying to be your friends, right?"

Pyx looked surprised.

"They weren't?"

They all shook their heads. Together, the three crusaders explained the concept of a bully to Pyx. Pyx furrowed her brow.

"Oh, dear," she said. "Oh no, that won't do! That won't do at all! What should I do about it?"

Kill them all, Pyx! that voice in the back of her head whispered.

The three crusaders looked at each other again.

"Um, well, there's not really much you can do, unfortunately," said Scootaloo.

"You can tell them to stop," offered Sweetie Belle. "And if they don't, just tell the teacher on them."

Apple Bloom nodded sagely.

"Yep, that's pretty much all you can do about a bully," she said. "But I wouldn't take Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon too seriously. As far as bullies go, they're pretty tame."

"Yeah, they're like that to everypony," said Scootaloo.

"My sister says they're gonna get what's comin' to 'em sooner or later anyway," Apple Bloom went on. "She said that Diamond Tiara was probably gonna grow up to be a 'town bicycle'. I'm not really sure what that means, but Applejack told me not to worry about it. She said Tiara'll just 'trot around' for a few years until she's all used up, and then she'll marry somepony rich and borin', and probably 'foal around' on him with her tennis instructor. I'm not really sure what all that means either, but the way she explained it, it didn't sound very nice!"

Sweetie Belle nodded.

"Rarity pretty much told me the same thing about Silver Spoon," she said. "She called the Spoon family 'new-vow reesh' or something like that. She said that Silver Spoon just rides Diamond Tiara's...pigtails? Coat tails? Something like that I think?"

She looked to Scootaloo for confirmation, who only shrugged.

"Anyway," continued Sweetie, "She says that Silver'll probably drop out of college and move to Applewood to become an actress or something. Only she won't make it, and she'll just end up doing porn."

"What does that mean?" asked Apple Bloom. Sweetie Belle shrugged.

"Beats me," she said. "I think it's some kind of government job. My mom used to do it I think, I remember I overheard my parents talking about it once."

Pyx thought about all of this. She hadn't minded being hit in the face with mud when she thought it was a way of making friends, but now that she knew it wasn't, it was starting to make her mad. However, she decided to put the thought away for the time being. These three ponies seemed much nicer, so what was the point in dwelling on Tiara and Spoon?

"Nipaaaaaah~~!" she said out loud suddenly.

The three crusaders blinked.

"Hey, I've been meaning to ask you," said Scootaloo. "What exactly does 'nipah' mean, anyway?"

Pyx thought about it for a second. She wasn't exactly sure. Still, she didn't want to appear stupid in front of her new friends, so she said the most sensible thing she could think of:

"Nipah means tutturu~~!"

"...so what does 'tutturu' mean?"

"Nipah~~!"

The three of them looked at each other. Apple Bloom shrugged.

"Well, uh...nee-pah then!" she said.

"Nipaaah~~!" said Scootaloo.

"Tutturu~~!" said Sweetie Belle.

Then all four of them burst out laughing.

Chapter Seven: Obviously, Fluttershy Isn't Cool

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Surprised, Twilight Sparkle looked up from the book she was reading.

"It's a public library, you don't have to knock on the door!" she called.

"Oh, sorry," came a voice from the other side. "We weren't sure, it kind of looks like it could be a house too."

The door opened, and two young fillies stepped into the main room. Twilight squinted at them. Her vision was a little blurry from the wine she was drinking, but she thought she recognized them from Pyx's class.

"Is Pyx home?" one of them asked.

"Oh, sure," said Twilight. "She's upstairs doing homework I think. PYX! SOME FRIENDS OF YOURS ARE HERE!!"

There was a brief scuffling on the landing above, and then Pyx trotted hurriedly downstairs. She stopped short when she saw who the visitors were.

"Hey, Pyx," said Diamond Tiara. She and Silver Spoon were standing in the doorway, smiling sweetly. "We were heading down to Sugar Cube Corner, and we came over to see if you wanted to join us."

Twilight smiled brightly and took another sip of wine.

"Well, isn't that nice!"

Pyx had been going to school now for a couple of weeks, and Twilight had been pleased to learn that she'd already made some friends. This was the first time any of them had come over to the library, however. At least, this was the first time they had done so when she was conscious.

"Um, I don't know desu..." said Pyx, hesitating. "I have a lot of homework I need to finish..."

"Oh, nonsense!" said Twilight, nudging her towards the door. "You go and have fun with your friends! I'll finish your homework for you!"

"Um, I really ought to start doing it myself desu," said Pyx. She dug her hooves into the floor, trying to push back. "That last book report you wrote for me was just a bunch of stuff about how much you love Pone's Farm and somepony named Flash Sentry. The only reason I didn't get in trouble was because Miss Cheerilee couldn't read your horn-writing desu."

Silver Spoon snickered at that. Diamond Tiara gave her a light kick.

"Oh, don't worry about it!" said Twilight. "If you don't want me to write it, I'll just have Spike do it. Anyway, you three have fun. Just make sure you're back in time for dinner!"

Before she could protest any further, Twilight nudged Pyx all the way out the door and shut it behind her.

Good for Pyx, thought Twilight as she poured herself another glass of Pone's Farm. I'm glad she's making friends.

"...so then I told him I'd tell his wife and foals about us if he didn't pay me a thousand bits on the spot," said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon laughed out loud.

"Did he even have a thousand bits?"

"He did, and he paid me, but it was, like, his entire savings account. His family had to call off their trip to Whinnyapolis."

"Wow, what a loser!"

Both of them laughed.

Pyx sipped her double-fudge mocha-chip banana-cream brownie-batter vanilla-bean toffee-apple caramelized coconut-sprinkled cream-filled fallopian-fruit-fritter milkshake, watching the two of them suspiciously.

Her friends had assured her that these two were bullies, and thus far her experiences with them had been along that line. Over the past two weeks, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had thrown mud at her, pushed her down three flights of stairs, dropped a hive of bees on her head, framed her for shoplifting on two occasions, and forced her to eat a pine cone. She wasn't sure why they were being so nice to her today, but there sure was something suspicious about it.

"Who are you talking about?" Pyx asked Diamond Tiara.

"Huh? Oh, just this old stallion who works at my Dad's country club. I let him feel me up a couple of times and then made him pay me to keep quiet about it."

"Was he the one from the country club?" asked Silver Spoon. "I thought it was the guy from the saddle store who had the wife and foals."

"No, that guy was the one who killed himself because he didn't have enough money and I said I'd rat him out to the horse police."

"Oh, yeah! That's right."

"Honestly they were all pretty much the same, I can't blame you for getting them mixed up."

The two of them laughed again.

"What did you do with the thousand bits desu?" asked Pyx.

"Huh? Oh, nothing. I've actually still got it in my saddlebag."

She lifted the flap of her bag to show her. There was a fat pouch inside, and through the slightly open neck Pyx could see the glitter of golden coins.

"What are you going to spend it on?" asked Pyx.

"Huh?" said Tiara absently. "Oh, I don't know; probably nothing. I didn't really need the bits or anything, it was all just for fun."

"Oh."

Pyx took another sip of her milkshake and considered this. What Diamond Tiara had done to the stallion didn't sound like very much fun at all, at least not for him; it actually sounded kind of mean. On the other hoof, though, she could see how having a thousand bits could be helpful. Mommy Twilight was always getting mad and complaining that she didn't have enough bits. That would always make Spike-onii-chan get mad too, saying that if she didn't spend so much on happy-juice she would have more. If Mommy Twilight had a lot of bits like Diamond Tiara did, she could have all the happy-juice she wanted, and Spike-onii-chan wouldn't have to be mad anymore.

"Haven't you ever done anything like that, Pyx?" asked Silver Spoon.

Pyx shook her head.

"You should try it, it's fun!" said Diamond Tiara.

Pyx wasn't sure, but she had to admit that having a thousand bits sounded pretty fun at least. Mommy Twilight would be so happy with her if she brought that much money home.

"So what else do you guys like to do that's fun?" Pyx asked.

"Oh, just rich filly stuff," said Tiara.

"Rich filly stuff?"

"Yeah," said Spoon. "Like, this one time, we had Tiara's dad take us to the orphanage in Canterlot so we could adopt two colts and make them fight to the death."

"And this other time," said Tiara, "We went down to the Ponyville slums and paid a homeless guy to dance for us while we threw firecrackers at him!"

"Yeah!" said Spoon. "That was hilarious! Oh, and this other time, we pushed some stupid filly down the stairs, and made her eat a pine cone!"

The two of them burst out laughing.

"Uh, that was me desu." said Pyx.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that."

They both grinned sheepishly.

"Seriously, though, Pyx," began Diamond Tiara. "We're sorry we've been so mean to you!"

"Yeah," Silver Spoon chimed in. "We, like, really think you're cool, and we'd totally like it if you'd be our friend from now on!"

"That's what you said before you made me eat the pine cone," said Pyx.

"Yeah, but this time we mean it!" said Diamond Tiara.

Pyx thought about this. She really didn't want to eat any more pine cones if she could avoid it, but on the other hoof, if they meant it this time she probably wouldn't have to. On top of that, she'd have two additional friends to add to the three she already had. Mommy Twilight always said that the more friends you have, the better.

"Anyway," Tiara went on, "We'd really like it if you'd join our club."

"You guys have a club desu?"

"Yeah," said Spoon. "It's called the Rich Fillies Club. Only cool rich fillies are allowed to join."

"Right," agreed Tiara, nodding. "And you know, like, all that mean stuff we've been doing to you? We weren't, like, doing it to be mean or anything. It was just part of our club's initiation."

"Yeah," said Spoon. "We had to make sure you were cool enough to get in."

"Hmmmm desu........."

Pyx mused on their proposal while sipping on her milkshake.

"So you guys really think I'm cool enough to join desu?"

Diamond Tiara stifled a giggle.

"Oh, absolutely," said Silver Spoon. "You passed all of our tests with flying colors. We think you're totally cool, Pyx."

"But I thought you said it was called the Rich Fillies Club," said Pyx. "I'm not rich, or at least I don't think I am desu..."

This time they both had to stifle a giggle. Fortunately, Pyx was staring off into the distance and stroking her chin, so she didn't notice.

"...on the other hoof," Pyx went on, "If I had a thousand bits I'd be pretty rich."

Silver Spoon couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst into a hysterical fit of laughter.

"What's so funny?" asked Pyx.

"Oh, don't worry about her," assured Diamond Tiara quickly. "She's just thinking about something funny that happened at school yesterday. Anyway, yeah, if you had a thousand bits, you'd totally be rich, just like us! We can help you make a thousand bits, no problem!"

"By helping me seduce a homeless guy desu?"

"A homeless guy probably isn't going to have a thousand bits," said Spoon.

"But we can help you seduce somepony who does," added Tiara.

"So what do you think?" said Spoon. "Are you ready to join our club?"

"We just have one more test you have to pass," said Tiara, "After that, you're in!"

Pyx thought about it. She'd had a pretty bad run with these two so far, but maybe her luck was about to change. Also, a thousand bits was a lot of money. What would Mommy Twilight want her to do?

KILL THEM ALL, PYX! said Mommy Twilight's voice in her head. I MEAN, MAKE AS MANY FRIENDS AS YOU CAN, PYX!

Well, that decided it.

Pyx gave the two fillies her biggest, brightest smile and nodded enthusiastically.

"Nipah desu~~!" she said.

The town proper ended at the river, and as soon as they crossed the bridge the houses became much fewer and farther between. The road wound through the grassy countryside, the dark mass of trees on the horizon growing closer and closer.

"The last test is going to be at our clubhouse," Diamond Tiara explained.

"Your clubhouse is in the Everfree Forest?"

"Yeah," said Silver Spoon. "We don't want anypony in town to find out where the coolest club in Ponyville meets up. Otherwise they'd all try to get in, and it wouldn't be cool anymore. So we put our clubhouse in the one place they'd never look."

Pyx thought about it. Anypony cool enough to be in the cool ponies club wouldn't want uncool ponies hanging around their clubhouse, so that part checked out. She was still a bit suspicious of these two, but so far she couldn't find any holes in their logic.

The road turned steeply upward, crested a hill, and soon the three fillies arrived at a sod-roofed cottage, separated from the main road by a hoofbridge that ran over a small creek. A familiar pegasus was outside, fussing over some ducks near the water.

"Oh, hi Pyx," she said when she noticed the fillies approaching.

"Konnichiwa~~!" said Pyx cheerfully. She recognized the pegasus as one of Twilight's friends. Fluttershy, that was her name.

"Um, are you three here to adopt some animals?" Fluttershy asked hopefully. "Because I have a wide variety of pets in stock! Oh, I have so many bunnies, and kitties, and a nest of brand new baby birdies just hatched--"

"Um, that's okay, Miss Fluttershy," said Diamond Tiara quickly, cutting her off. "We actually can't stop right now."

Fluttershy looked concerned.

"Um, if you're not here to see me, where are you fillies going, if you don't mind my asking?"

Pyx smiled brightly.

"We're going to our super secret clubhouse in the Everfree Forest! Tutturu~~!"

She felt a hoof digging sharply into her foreleg, and turned to see Diamond Tiara glaring at her.

"Don't tell Fluttershy about it!!" she hissed.

Pyx was confused for a moment, but then she realized what a grievous faux pas she'd just committed. Fluttershy wasn't cool, so obviously the location of the clubhouse had to be kept secret from her. She had to fix this quickly. She cleared her throat, and said:

"Never mind what I just said! We are actually going to the Everfree Forest for a reason that has nothing to do with clubhouses! Nipah~~!"

Silver Spoon grimaced. Diamond Tiara had veins popping out on her forehead, but she made an attempt to smile.

"Oh, dear," said Fluttershy, looking a little concerned. "The Everfree Forest is no place for young fillies! You really should find a different place for your clubhouse."

"That's okay!" said Pyx. "We don't actually have a clubhouse! And we're not going into the Everfree Forest at all desu~~!"

And with that, she began to trot off down the road, in the direction of the Everfree Forest.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stood there a moment longer, beads of sweat breaking out on their foreheads and big nervous smiles plastered across their faces.

"Uhh...yeah, what she said," Silver Spoon stuttered.

"Anyway, we'll be going now," said Diamond Tiara.

"Bye, Miss Fluttershy!" they said in unison, and then in a flash they galloped away, in the same direction that Pyx had gone.

"Oh dear..." said Fluttershy, as she stood at the edge of her bridge, watching the three fillies running off towards the dark, gloomy forest. "Oh, dear..."

Chapter Eight: The Everfree Forest is a Great Place to Hide a Body

"Why did you tell her where we were going, stupid?!?" Diamond Tiara demanded angrily.

"Yeah, that was very uncool," snapped Silver Spoon.

Pyx hung her head, staring at the road in front of her as she walked. The forest had seemed to swallow them up as soon as they'd entered. All around them were huge, thick, gnarled trees, their branches spread out above them like claws. The late afternoon light was now filtered by a thick canopy of dark green leaves, which gave it an eerie quality. Pyx found it uncomfortably stuffy and dark in here, and her current worries added to the atmosphere of gloom.

Obviously, this was a big, big problem! If Fluttershy learned the location of the secret clubhouse, she might show up and try to join. She'd probably bring a bunch of animals with her, too, and they might try to join as well. It would be bad enough having an uncool and probably destitute pony like Fluttershy trying to join the Rich Fillies Club; imagine what would happen if a bunch of ducks and bunnies and ferrets and whatnot started applying for membership too? At that point, you might as well just throw all standards out the window and open the whole thing up to the general public. This was a big, big problem; no wonder her new friends were mad at her.

You need to fix this! Mommy Twilight's voice hissed in her mind. Kill them all, Pyx!

Pyx stopped suddenly.

"Gomen nasai desu!" she cried, bowing low so that her horn almost touched the ground. "I didn't mean to let Fluttershy find out where the clubhouse is! But, um, I had an idea desu! What if we moved the clubhouse so she can't find it? Then, when she comes looking for it, with all of her uncool animal friends, trying to join the club, she won't be able to find it desu! That way, we can still have the Rich Fillies Club, but we don't have to hurt Fluttershy's feelings by telling her that she's not cool enough to join desu!"

We wouldn't have to kill her, either... Mommy Twilight's voice (was it Mommy Twilight's voice?) mused, though she sounded a bit disappointed.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon just looked at each other.

"Wait a minute," began Silver Spoon, "Do you even understand why we're--"

Suddenly, she felt a nudge in her flank. She turned and saw Diamond Tiara looking at her with a knowing smile. Spoon knew that look; her friend had just had an idea. She quickly shut her mouth and let Tiara do the talking.

"That's a great idea, Pyx," Tiara said. "I don't know why we didn't think of that. If we just move the clubhouse, it should solve everything!"

Pyx looked up. Tiara was smiling slyly at her.

"So...I can still join the club?" she asked hopefully.

"Oh, suuuure you can..." Tiara assured her. "But I'm afraid that, because of your little faux pas back there, the rules have changed."

"Yeah," said Silver Spoon, picking up on Tiara's cue. "You remember that final test we said you have to take?"

Pyx nodded.

"Well, forget about it," said Diamond Tiara. "There's a new final test now."

"What do I have to do desu?"

"First, stop saying 'desu' all the time. Second, you have to go and find the clubhouse, and then move it before Fluttershy finds it."

"Where is the clubhouse des--I mean, um, where is the clubhouse? Tutturu~~?"

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes.

"We're not gonna tell you where it is! What kind of test would that be?"

"Ummm...can I have a hint des--uh, can I have a hint?"

"Look," said Silver Spoon, pointing off into the dense forest.

Pyx looked. She squinted far into the murky underbrush, but she couldn't see anything.

"I don't see it," she said.

"That's okay. It's too far away to see from here. But that's basically where it is."

"Yeah," said Diamond Tiara. "If you just head off in that direction, you'll find it eventually."

"What does it look like?" asked Pyx.

"Oh, you'll know it when you see it," Diamond Tiara assured her.

"Where should I move it to once I find it de--uh, nipah~~?"

"It doesn't matter," said Tiara. "Just put it someplace where Fluttershy won't know where it is. And when you've done that, come find us and tell us where you put it."

"You'd better get going, though," Silver Spoon advised. "Because if you don't have it moved by nightfall, you're out of the club."

"Yeah," said Tiara. "Better get moving."

Pyx beamed them a huge smile.

"I won't let you down!" she cried, raising her hoof in salute. "Tutturu~~!"

And with that, she darted off of the path, into the dark depths of the forest.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon burst into a fit of hysterical laughter.

"Oh. Sweet. Celestia. She is soooooooo stupid!" cackled Diamond Tiara.

"This has to be our best one yet," cried Silver Spoon. "The only downside to this prank is that we might not be able to top it!"

She wiped a tear away from her eye.

"Hey, you don't think we went overboard, do you?"

Her friend just glanced disdainfully at her.

"I mean," Spoon added quickly, "She is pretty dumb. What if she gets lost in the forest, and ends up getting turned to stone by a cockatrice or something?"

"So what if she does?"

"We could get in pretty big trouble if something happens to her."

Tiara just laughed, waving her hoof dismissively.

"You worry too much about stuff like that. If anything really bad happens, we'll just say she ran off on her own and we don't know where she went after that. Besides, we'll never get in any real trouble. You think my Daddy would let the town librarian push him around over her stupid cousin, or daughter, or whatever Pyx is?"

"Yeah, what's the deal with that, anyway?"

"Who cares?" Tiara glanced up at the sky, noting the westward position of the sun. "Come on, let's get out of here. Maybe we can make it to Sugar Cube Corner again before it closes."

Twilight groggily pulled her face up from her book. She'd lost consciousness at some point, and a page was stuck to her cheek.

"Hey there, Sleeping Beauty," said Spike. He was dressed in his apron and chef's hat, and there was a pleasant smell wafting out from the kitchen. "Dinner's almost ready."

"Oh, thanks Spike," Twilight mumbled. "Has Pyx come home yet?"

"You mean Trebuchet? No, I haven't seen her since you sent her off to play with those two bullies."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"About six hours ago, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon came over to take Pyx, I mean Trebuchet, to Sugar Cube Corner, and you said she could go."

"Yeah, I remember that part," said Twilight, shaking her head groggily. "What was the stuff about bullies?"

"Uh, you mean Tiara and Spoon? Those two are bullies."

"What?"

"Yeah. They're like the two most well-known bullies in town."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Did you not know that?"

"Of course I didn't know that!!"

"Oh. Well, yeah, they're huge bullies, they pick on her all the time. Don't you remember that time last week when she came home covered in bee stings? Or that other time she was all covered in mud and bruises? And then there was that time they sold her to a traveling circus, and the time they got her to join that 'twelve albums for one bit' record club, and the time they tried to sign her up for that filly scout troop that was actually a suicide cult--"

"If you knew, why didn't you say anything?!?"

Spike shrugged.

"I figured you knew something I didn't," he said. "Also, I don't really care."

Twilight shook her head and conked herself with a hoof several times, trying to knock the cobwebs out of her brain.

"I need to go look for her!" she said, and leapt to her hooves. She immediately regretted this decision, wobbling dangerously back and forth before she was forced to plop back down on her haunches.

"You're in no condition to go wandering around," said Spike. "She'll probably be home any minute now. I mean, that's if she's still alive, but you know, chances are pretty good--"

"RRRRGH! Spike, you're not helping!"

Twilight shook the cobwebs out one more time, and decided to give standing up another try. This time she was a little more successful. She threw on her saddlebags and began darting to and fro about the library, gathering things she thought she might need.

"I'm going out to look for her!" she proclaimed.

"When are you coming back?" Spike demanded.

"As soon as I find her!!" she yelled, and galloped out the door. Spike stood in the doorway, watching her go.

"You're the one who told me to make all this paella!" he shouted after her. "If you aren't back by the time it's ready, I'm not saving you any!"

Pyx made her way tentatively through the forest. The shadows had grown alarmingly long and dark since she'd set off on her own, and she didn't feel like she was any closer to finding that clubhouse.

"Boy, they really hid this thing, didn't they desu?" she said aloud.

You idiot, said a voice in the back of her head.

Pyx drew to a stop. It definitely wasn't Mommy Twilight this time, but she felt certain she knew this voice.

They're laughing at you, the voice said. There is no clubhouse. They sent you out here to die.

"They wouldn't do that desu! They're my friends!" said Pyx.

You can't possibly be serious. Do you not remember any of the stuff those two have done to you?

Pyx thought about it.

"Oh yeah, I guess you're right. They're not my friends at all, and this is exactly the sort of thing they would do. Nipah~~!"

She looked around her. The daylight was fading fast, and she wasn't entirely sure where she was. Or how to get back.

You see? it was as if the voice had read her mind. There is no clubhouse. They sent you out here to die. You must kill them all, Pyx!

"Hmmmm...but if I kill them desu, they might not let me into the club."

They were never going to let you in, it said. There probably is no club.

"Yeah, but we don't know that desu!"

No, but we can infer it based on past experience.

"Yeah, but we don't know. And knowing is half the battle! Nipah~~!"

The voice gave an annoyed sigh.

Tell you what, it said. I'll help you look for your foalish little clubhouse, and should we not come across it by nightfall, we do things MY way!

Pyx thought about it. It sounded like a win-win, honestly. She only had a couple more hours to find the clubhouse anyway, so if the mysterious voice could help her find it, then all the better. And if the two of them couldn't find it, she'd be no worse off than she would have been otherwise, but she'd still come out of the deal with a new invisible murder-voice friend! So best case scenario she'd net herself three new friends, worst case she'd still get one!

Pyx smiled brightly. Sure, there had been a bit of a learning curve and she'd had to eat a pine cone or two, but she thought that she was finally getting the hang of friendship math. And if things didn't work out with the Rich Fillies Club, maybe the mysterious voice knew a way she could make a thousand bits without having to seduce a homeless guy!

As if reading her mind, the voice spoke up again:

Oh, there will be ways to make a thousand bits, child! With me as your guide, you shall make a thousand bits and more! So much more! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Pyx didn't get the joke, but the laughter was infectious.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA~~!" she cackled.

Evil-sounding laughter echoed in the distance.

"What was that?!?" cried Silver Spoon, pressing closer to Diamond Tiara.

"How should I know?" snapped Diamond Tiara, pushing her away. Then, a moment later the laughter came again, and they both instinctively pressed up against each other.

"I want to go home," mewled Silver Spoon.

"You're the one who said she knew a shortcut back to town!!" Tiara snarled. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't quite keep the tremor out of her voice, and it was making her angry. "If we'd stayed on the path, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"I do know a shortcut!" insisted Spoon. "It's just...everything looks different out here in the dark! Besides, if we'd gone back on the path we would have had to go past Fluttershy's, and she might have asked why Pyx wasn't with us."

The sun had gone down, and twilight was obscured by the dense tree cover. All around them the dark forest was coming to life. Creatures stirred in the brush; the two fillies could see large, frightening shapes moving about in the corners of their vision. On all sides, the skeletal trees rose up, tall and black and menacing.

"A-all right. Let's t-try and figure this out," said Diamond Tiara, trying to sound brave. "W-we came from that direction, right?"

She pointed with a hoof.

"I t-think so..." said Silver Spoon.

"O-okay. So, let's just forget the shortcut, and t-try find our way back to the path, a-alright? We can figure things out from there."

"S-sure..."

In the distance, something howled. The two fillies pressed together again, shaking uncontrollably now.

"I bet I can fit more in my mouth than you can!"

"You're on!!"

After issuing this challenge, Sweetie Belle immediately grabbed an apple out of the nearby barrel and stuffed the entire thing into her mouth. She pushed it into the pouch of her cheek, then grabbed another one and did the same thing on the other side.

"Thath thoo," she said proudly, both cheeks stuffed with apples. To her dismay, however, she looked across from her and saw that Scootaloo had managed to stuff three whole apples into her mouth.

"Well, it looks like Scoot's the winner!" Apple Bloom declared.

"Nho fhare..." Sweetie Belle mumbled. With a loud "pphhbbbtt," she spat the two apples onto the ground, where they rolled around and became immediately caked with dirt.

"Where'd you learn to do that, anyway?" she demanded.

There was a loud crunch as Scootaloo chewed up all three apples at once, and then swallowed them in a single gulp. She grinned broadly.

"Just practice," she said innocently.

Nearby, at the counter of the little wooden market stall, Applejack finished up with a customer and turned around, annoyed with what she saw.

"Now what in tarnation are y'all doin'?" she demanded. "Apple Bloom, when I said you could bring your friends to help out today, I meant they could help! If you three are just gonna goof around, y'all might as well just run on home!"

Apple Bloom looked guiltily up at her sister.

"Uh, sorry Applejack," she muttered. "We just kinda got distracted."

Applejack made an irritated noise when she saw the two apples Sweetie Belle had spat out lying on the ground.

"And Sweetie Belle!" she said sharply. "What would your sister say about you wastin' food like that? At least Scootaloo ate the ones she took! That's it, I'm dockin' the cost of three apples from each of your pay!"

"That's no fair!" protested Apple Bloom.

"Wait, you're paying us?" asked Scootaloo.

Applejack rolled her eyes. She was about to lecture them further, when out of the corner of her eye she saw a pony galloping frantically towards the stall.

"Hold on, I got another customer," she said. "Oh wait, never mind. It's just Twilight."

Twilight reared up on her hind legs and placed her front hooves down on the stall counter with a loud clunk, panting and out of breath. Her mane was disheveled and her coat was plastered with sweat.

"Hoo-ee, you look plum awful, sugarcube!" Applejack said. "What's got you all riled up? Liquor store run out of Pone's Farm again?"

"No, fortunately they had plenty," Twilight said, still panting. "I'm actually looking for Pyx now. Did she come through here by any chance?"

Applejack stroked her chin, trying to remember.

"No, I can't say as she did," she said. "Though I do recall seein' a coupla fillies walkin' by a few hours ago..."

"Wait, what happened to Pyx?"

Apple Bloom trotted up to the counter, a concerned expression on her face, followed by Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

"Pyx went off with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon a few hours ago," Twilight explained, "And she hasn't come home yet. I'm starting to get worried--"

"Wait, did you say she's with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?" Apple Bloom demanded, legitimately concerned now. "How could you let her go off with those two?"

"Yeah," interjected Scootaloo. "Didn't you know they like to bully her?"

"No," groaned Twilight. "I didn't even realize..."

"How could you not know that?" demanded Sweetie Belle. "Everypony knows those two are the worst bullies in Ponyville!"

"Yeah," said Apple Bloom. "Don't you remember that time they made her eat a pine cone? Miss Cheerilee had to close up the little fillies' room for a whole day because of that!"

Scootaloo nodded in confirmation.

"I overheard her talking to the janitor about it," she remarked. "He said it looked like somepony had been gutting fish in there."

Twilight just hung her head miserably. Applejack put a sympathetic hoof on her shoulder.

"Now, that's enough, you three!" she said to the fillies. "Can't you see that Twilight's worried enough already?"

"I've looked for her everywhere," Twilight mumbled. "They said they were going to Sugar Cube corner, but that was six hours ago! I've been all over town, but nopony has seen them anywhere!"

"What did Pinkie Pie say?" asked Applejack.

Twilight looked up at her, a confused expression on her face.

"Pinkie Pie?" she asked. "What does she have to do with anything?"

Now it was Applejack's turn to look confused.

"Didn't you see her when you went to Sugar Cube Corner? I thought she was supposed to be workin' today..."

Suddenly, there was a loud bang as Twilight smacked her face against the counter.

"Sugar Cube Corner!! Of course! That's where they said they went! I should have started there!!"

Without another word, she turned around and galloped off.

"Thanks, Applejack!" she yelled over her shoulder. "Let me know if you see her, okay?"

Applejack watched her go for a few seconds, furrowing her brow in concern. Then, she turned her attention to her younger sister and her friends.

"Uh, maybe y'all should run along with Twilight and help look for your friend," she said.

"Don't you need us to help out with the store?" asked Apple Bloom.

Applejack glanced at the dusty, spit-covered apples Sweetie Belle had left in the corner of the stall, as well as the five unsorted barrels that were no closer to being sorted than they had been when the three fillies had begun their afternoon shift.

"Uh, I think I can manage without y'all for a little while," she said. "Go on, help Twilight look for Pyx; that's a lot more important than sellin' apples right now."

"Right!" the three of them said in unison, and they darted off in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner.

Chapter Nine: Friendship is Sorcery Most Foul

Pyx crouched low behind the bushes, peeking out. About a hundred feet ahead of her, the path was blocked by a wide river. Her eyes scanned the bank, and sure enough, there was a shallow, rock-strewn ford right where the voice had told her it would be. However, the river was also occupied at present by a large, purple sea-serpent, who was splashing around in the water, talking to himself about mustaches or something equally stupid and eating some gemstones he'd harvested from the bank.

The serpent appeared oddly well-groomed, with a large coiffured shock of orange hair and a long thin mustache. However, for some reason, one side of the mustache was curled and purple.

"Who's that?" whispered Pyx.

Never mind him, the voice replied. He isn't dangerous. He is, however, extremely annoying. Just walk past him, don't make eye contact, and in the name of all that's holy, don't answer him if he tries to talk to you.

"Got it," Pyx whispered. "Tutturu~~!"

She left the cover of the bushes and trotted quickly to the shallow part of the bank where the ford began. Noticing her, the sea serpent approached and started babbling something about his mustache. Pyx walked more quickly. She was roughly halfway across the river now. Meanwhile, the sea serpent was frantically trying to catch her attention, flailing his arms effeminately and warbling on and on about his stupid mustache.

Don't look at him, don't talk to him, don't even acknowledge him, the voice advised.

Pyx did as she was told, and soon she was on the far bank. She spotted a break in the trees where the path began again and trotted towards it. The forest once again closed in on her, and slowly the serpent's anguished cries faded into the background.

The path continued on through the forest. The sun had long since disappeared below the horizon, and the sky was rapidly turning from purple to black. A few winking stars were already visible through the tree branches. Pyx wasn't quite sure at what point "nightfall" officially took place, but it felt like she had very little time left. She trotted more quickly.

Finally, she came to a deep ravine, across which a rickety suspension bridge extended. At the far end was a low hill, and on top of the hill stood the immense ruins of an ancient castle. Pyx stopped short, staring up at the crumbling, moss-covered towers and parapets.

There. What do you think of THIS clubhouse? the voice said, a little arrogantly.

Pyx responded with an anguished groan of despair.

What is the matter now, child? demanded the voice.

"Oh, it's hopeless!" Pyx wailed. "How in Equestria am I supposed to move this thing?!?"

The door to Sugar Cube Corner swung shut, and Twilight once again emerged into the darkening...eh...twilight. The streetlights around Ponyville were beginning to come on; meanwhile, the lights inside Sugar Cube Corner went out, and a familiar pink muzzle could be seen flipping the "Open" sign in the window to "Closed." It seemed they had made it here just in time.

"What did she say?" asked Apple Bloom. The three Crusaders gathered around her, looking up expectantly. Twilight sighed.

"She says they came in here, but left a long time ago. She didn't see where they went."

Their faces fell.

Suddenly, they felt a whoosh of air from above, and a sky-blue pegasus landed on the street in front of them.

"Any luck?" Twilight asked hopefully. They had run into Rainbow Dash on the way here, and Scootaloo had sensibly thought of asking her to fly around to some of the local foal hangouts, to see if she could dig anything up.

"Sorry, Twi," said Dash. "Nopony's seen any trace of Tiara, Spoon or Pyx all afternoon."

"Oh." Twilight's face fell again. The idea that Pyx might have gone off with two bullies had been troubling enough, but at this point things were starting to look bad. Really bad. She'd never wanted a glass of wine so badly in her life, but right now she needed as many intact faculties as she could muster.

"Anyway," continued Dash, "I'm sorry about this, but I...uh...probably shouldn't be involved in this. Because, uh...you know."

"Yes, I understand," said Twilight. "Thanks for your help, Dash. I appreciate it, I really do."

"No problem, let me know if you find them," she said. Then, glancing awkwardly at Scootaloo: "Uh, see you later, squirt."

Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head and looked away, laughing nervously.

"Yeah...see you later."

Then there was a big gust of air, and Dash vanished into the evening sky.

"Well now what do we do?" said Sweetie Belle, kicking at a pebble in the road. It rolled a few feet and then collided with somepony's hoof. Sweetie was about to apologize, but the pony began speaking before she had a chance.

"Oh, um, hi Twilight. I'm glad I found you."

Twilight turned at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Fluttershy? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, well, I've actually been looking for you. I wanted to ask you something about your cousin."

A purple blur whizzed past the three crusaders, ruffling their manes, and suddenly Twilight's face was inches from Fluttershy's.

"What about Pyx?!? Do you know where she is?!?"

"Oh, um, well, um, you see..."

Fluttershy, clearly taken aback, began to stutter and paw at the ground. Twilight took a deep, deep breath and tried to calm herself.

"Fluttershy," she began. "This is very important. Did you see Pyx at all today?"

"She would have been with two other fillies," added Apple Bloom. The whole group was gathered in a semicircle around Fluttershy now, staring anxiously up at her as she hemmed and hawed.

"Um, well, yes, I have," Fluttershy stammered finally. "That's what I wanted to tell you about. Did you know that Pyx and her friends have a clubhouse in the Everfree Forest?"

"A clubhouse?!?" exclaimed Apple Bloom.

"The Everfree Forest?!?" exclaimed Scootaloo.

"A what in the where?!?" exclaimed Twilight. "No, I didn't--is that where they went?!?"

"Yes, um, I saw the three of them go in there. Pyx said something about a secret clubhouse and went into the forest, and then her two friends went in after her. I, um, thought it was something I should tell you about."

Something like a lighting bolt went off inside Twilight's head, and suddenly she could see everything clearly; so clearly that she was almost able to forget her near-crippling alcohol withdrawal.

"Alright," she said decisively. She turned to the three crusaders. "You three head on home!"

"What?"

"No!"

"We want to help look!"

"Sorry girls," said Twilight. "I appreciate your help, but it's way too dangerous for me to take you in there. You three need to head on home and let your sisters know what's going on; they're probably getting worried about you too. Er, well, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom can do that. Uh, Scootaloo...you can just...uh...go back to wherever you sleep at night, I guess."

Scootaloo stared sullenly at the ground and said nothing.

"Fluttershy, you're with me," Twilight continued.

"Oh, um, well, um, I don't know..."

"You know about animals and stuff. I'm going to need you with me if we want to get those fillies out of there alive."

Then, realizing what she'd just said, she turned to the three saucer-eyed fillies in front of her and said:

"Um, I mean, they're probably fine, and there's nothing to worry about. But Fluttershy, seriously; you're coming with me."

"Um, well, I, oh, um, well--."

Before she could even finish stuttering, Twilight had seized her in a magic aura and was galloping off in the direction of the forest.

Pyx made her way slowly and with trepidation through the ruined courtyard of the ancient castle. The moon was now bright and the sky was a black canopy of stars. She'd completely missed the deadline to move the clubhouse, but she was not thinking about that anymore. There was something fascinating about this place; something she felt drawn to.

Come further! the voice commanded. Step this way, my child, and such things will I show you...

As if under a spell, Pyx continued to walk across the deserted courtyard, her hoofsteps echoing eerily against the paving stones. She passed through a great stone arch into some sort of keep. The roof had largely collapsed, and she had to pick her way around great piles of rubble.

Beyond the keep's vestibule was a staircase, and beyond the staircase was a corridor, and beyond this there were more stairs and more corridors. Pyx traversed all of it as if in a dream, somehow knowing exactly where to go without even the voice directing her.

Not for the first time, she found herself thinking about the missing pieces in her memory. She couldn't remember anything that had happened to her before Mommy Twilight had found her in the forest, and yet...she had to have some sort of past, right? Fillies didn't just materialize in the woods, after all. At least, she didn't think they did.

"I wonder where I am," she said aloud. Her voice echoed strangely in the empty castle. "Could this be...Detrot? Mommy Twilight says I came from there, and she also says it's pretty run down..."

She came at length to a massive hall, with a raised dais at the end. As she approached the dais, she noticed that there were scratches and burn marks on the floor and walls. Something had happened here; a battle, or some other sort of disruption. Something far more recent than anything else that had befallen this place.

The instant she stepped onto the dais, Pyx was engulfed by a powerful force that flowed through her body like an electric current. Hidden runes on the floor of the dais lit up, forming a magic circle with Pyx herself at the center. A great column of blue-white light shot upward, through Pyx's body and into the sky, and Pyx felt herself being levitated slowly into the air.

Look! the voice in her head boomed. Gaze into the mirror of the past! Look upon that which has been hidden from you!

There was a tremendous surge of power, and suddenly Pyx was assaulted by a flood of memories. Most of them she didn't understand, memories of betrayal and anger and some kind of struggle between two sisters. However, the last memory involved ponies who were familiar to her.

She saw herself in this very room, at a far more recent time than in the previous visions. She felt larger and taller, and infinitely more powerful. Across from her stood a group of six ponies, whom she immediately recognized as Mommy Twilight and her friends.

She tried to call out, but found that she could not speak. Or, rather, that she was speaking already, but neither the words nor the voice were her own.

"You little foal!" she said, in a menacing voice. "Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The night will last forever!"

She laughed; an evil, menacing laugh that seemed to shake the very walls of the castle. However, Mommy Twilight was undaunted. She looked at her and spoke, clearly and confidently:

"You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right here."

Now, Pyx could feel another power taking shape in the room, emanating from where Mommy Twilight and her friends stood. This new power filled her with an inexplicable dread.

"You still don't have the sixth Element!" the voice that was hers yet not hers cried in desperation. "The spark didn't work!"

"But it did!" replied Mommy Twilight. "A different kind of spark."

She turned to her five friends.

"I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friends! You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark of Friendship, the spark that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... MAGIC!"

And with that, Mommy Twilight's eyes began to glow with a strange power, as did those of her friends. A storm of magical energy began to take shape and grow, emanating from the six ponies. Pyx was powerless to stop it.

Suddenly, the gathered power burst forth in a torrent, taking the shape of a great and terrible rainbow that ripped into her body, tearing her entire being asunder. She was suspended in midair about halfway between the dais and what remained of the ceiling, unable to move or do anything. She had no choice but to let that power flow through her, ripping and tearing and burning.

She screamed, an unholy wail that echoed through the decaying halls of the castle and burst out into the forest. Her enchanted glasses suddenly burst, the lenses shattering into a thousand pieces, and her eyes lit up with a white-hot power.

What is this?!? thought Pyx as the rainbow tore through her. Is THIS the Magic of Friendship that Mommy Twilight is always talking about?!? It hurts!!

That was the last thing she remembered thinking before the magic overwhelmed her entirely. Her eyes went blank, her body went limp, and the great column of light dissipated. Her tiny body collapsed to the cold stone of the dais, and she remembered nothing more.

They were going in circles. Both of them knew it, but neither wanted to say it out loud. They had been in this clearing before; they were sure of it.

Diamond Tiara squinted. The forest was dark, but thankfully there was a full moon, and its light was bright enough that they could at least see what was in front of them. However, what Tiara saw did not lift her spirits.

"Arrgh!" she cried out. "It's that stupid table again!!"

Silver Spoon turned and looked at where her friend was pointing, and saw that she was correct. On a small mound of earth stood some kind of weird stone table, the only meaningful landmark they'd come across the entire time they'd been in the forest. And unless whoever had built it had made more than one of them, this was the fourth time they'd seen it.

Diamond Tiara plopped down on her haunches.

"I give up," she muttered. She kept her voice low. She hoped that Silver Spoon couldn't tell that she was close to tears.

"Maybe we should just wait here for the rest of the night," Spoon whispered, sitting down in the grass next to her. "We can find our way back when the sun comes up."

"That table gives me the creeps, though," Tiara muttered. "Why is something like that even here?"

Before Spoon could reply, they both heard a sound coming from the edge of the clearing.

Rustle.

"What was that?!?" she cried.

Rustle rustle.

Diamond Tiara couldn't respond; there was now a lump in her throat large enough to choke a full-grown mare.

Rustle rustle rustle.

Rustle rustle.

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All work and no rustling makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no rustling makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no rustling makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no rustling makes Jack a dull boy.

Rustle

Rustle

Rustle mania

RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE okay I'll stop now

"W-what's all that rustling?" said Silver Spoon, her voice trembling like an old saw.

"What do I look like, some kind of rustling expert?!?" snapped Tiara.

Then, to their dismay, they saw that a bush at the edge of the clearing, not ten yards from where they sat, was shaking and trembling (and rustling). Something was coming towards them. Involuntarily, they clung to each other, shaking with fear. The bush parted, and a dark, terrifying creature stepped into the moonlit clearing--

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

They screamed together in unison, shutting their eyes tight and awaiting the inevitable.

Then, when the death blow didn't come, Diamond Tiara cautiously opened her eyes and peeked out. She heaved a sigh of relief and let go of Spoon.

"Get off me," she snapped, pushing her friend away. "It's just Pyx."

Spoon opened her eyes, and saw that Tiara was correct. The little black and green filly was standing in the clearing ahead of them. Her mane was a mess, she was covered in brambles and stickers, and her glasses were gone, but apart from that she looked none the worse for wear.

"Pyx!" cried Silver Spoon. "Where were you? We were looking all over for you!"

"Yeah," said Diamond Tiara. Her voice was still trembling a little, but she managed to recover a little of her old imperiousness. "We--we tried to find you, we went out to where the clubhouse was, but we didn't see you, so we--we figured you'd got lost, and went looking for you--"

"Uso da."

Pyx's voice had a calm, almost deadly quality to it that caused Diamond Tiara to cut herself off in mid-sentence.

"W-what are you talking about...?" Silver Spoon stammered.

Pyx smiled thinly. It wasn't a nice smile. It was hard to see her clearly in the moonlight, but Pyx seemed different. She seemed...older somehow, and there was something almost menacing about her, something neither filly could put a hoof on.

"There was never any clubhouse," Pyx said, her voice serene and yet tinged with poison. "You sent me out there to die."

"N-n-n-no, that's not true..." Silver Spoon continued to stammer. "W-w-w-we went out th-there to l-l-l-look for y-you, and w-w-we c-c-couldn't find you..."

"USO DA!!!!"

The sudden outburst caused both fillies to jump backwards in terror. Pyx's eyes opened wide, and as she stepped closer they could see that there was something wrong with them. They looked like the eyes of...of some kind of reptokitty...and they seemed to glow with an otherworldy light.

Diamond Tiara fell back on her haunches again, no longer able to stand, but kept backing away as Pyx advanced slowly closer to them.

"O-okay, we're s-s-sorry Pyx..." she said. "W-we were just m-m-messing with you a little. W-w-we just wanted to scare you a l-little, we weren't t-trying to hurt you or anything..."

"Y-yeah..." chimed in Silver Spoon, who was also backing away. "I-it was just a j-joke...we j-just went a little far, is all...w-we're s-sorry..."

Pyx didn't seem to hear them. She kept advancing towards them with slow, deliberate steps. Her weird reptilian eyes floated in the blackness like twin moons. Her mane, too, seemed to glow with an ethereal power, writhing about her head like a nest of snakes.

"I found a different clubhouse, though," Pyx continued serenely. "Oh, yes, I found a clubhouse. Come with me, and I'll show it to you. Let me show you my clubhouse..."

Tiara and Spoon kept backing up, scooting through the damp grass on their haunches, until eventually their backs were against the stone table and they could go no further.

"Come to my clubhouse," said Pyx, her voice sweet, monotonous and deadly. "Let's...be...friends........."

Her lips parted into a wide and hideous grin. The two fillies screamed.

Twilight made her way down the path, the violet glow from her horn blending with the pale moonlight to illuminate their way. Fluttershy trotted a few steps behind her, keeping an eye out for cockatrices and manticores and reptokitties, and other dangerous creatures of the forest.

The elation she'd felt had evaporated quickly once she realized just how large and dense and trackless the Everfree Forest was. But then they had seen that strange burst of magical light in the distance, and heard that wail...

The thought of where Pyx might have gone had filled her with dread, but at least they had a lead now.

The path wound its way steeply downward, and soon they came to a familiar-looking river. Twilight scanned the banks, searching for a place where they could cross. It looked like there was a rocky, shallow area a little ways down that could be forded. However, she also noticed the silhouette of a large, sinuous creature splashing about in the water not far away.

"W-what's that?" whispered Fluttershy, drawing even with her.

Twilight peered forward into the darkness. At the sight of the creature she'd doused her horn, but there was still enough moonlight that she thought she could get a look at it. She squinted, letting her eyes adjust, and then suddenly breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"It's okay," she whispered back. "It's just that stupid sea serpent from the last time we were here."

"Oh, right, I remember him," said Fluttershy.

"Now listen," said Twilight. "We're here to look for Pyx, so we don't have any time to waste. So if that guy tries to start talking to you about his mustache or whatever, just ignore him."

"Right."

"Alright, let's go."

The two ponies trotted out and headed quickly for the ford. As they neared the riverbank, the serpent caught sight of them and slithered towards them, flailing his arms and yammering about mustaches.

"Don't make eye contact, don't talk to him, don't engage him," muttered Twilight to Fluttershy, and then they were fetlock-deep in water.

Twilight kept pressing onward. The current was strong, but the water wasn't deep, and she was able to travel quickly across. Halfway there; good. They were going to make it. The sea serpent was still flailing his arms and bawling about something or other; she didn't even spare a glance in his direction. Three quarters of the way. They were almost there, they were going to make it--

Almost against her will, she dared to look over her shoulder, and to her dismay she saw that Fluttershy was no longer following her. She had made it about a quarter of the way across the river, when she had managed to get herself roped into a conversation with that idiotic sea serpent. The loathsome creature was chattering a mile a minute, gesticulating wildly, and it was obvious that, even had she been able to get a word in edgewise, Fluttershy would have been far too polite to disentangle herself.

Twilight hesitated, caught between the desire to help her friend and the desire to find Pyx.

Keep going; Fluttershy's dead to us now, her inner voice advised her.

"Oh, Twilight, I'm soooo happy to see you!!" the serpent cried, catching sight of her. "You won't believe what happened to my mustache since the last time I saw you..."

The serpent began flailing its arms, slithering in her direction. That made up her mind. She turned away and moved as quickly as she could through the water until she reached the far bank, and then broke into a full gallop. Fluttershy would just have to fend for herself until she got back.

Even in the dark, she realized that she knew the path she was following, and the recognition filled her with unease. It was the same path her locator spell had shown her, on the day that she first found Pyx. And though she hadn't known it at the time, she'd also followed it the night before that, when she was tied up, blindfolded and trapped in a sack.

And now, she realized that she'd followed this path once before that even, and so had Fluttershy and the rest of her friends. A little further on would be a clearing with an old stone table, and beyond that...

Beyond that was an ancient castle.

She was so lost in these thoughts that she almost didn't see the little black filly that was standing in the middle of the path. She reared up, barely managing to avoid trampling the poor little creature, and almost fell backwards trying to arrest her gallop. An instant later, she realized that she knew who it was.

"Pyx!" she cried out. "Oh, thank Celestia you're okay!"

She scooped the filly up in her front legs and hugged her close.

"Mrmmy, ah crnt breef..."

Twilight suddenly realized she was crushing the poor filly, so she let her go. She ignited her light spell and looked her over. Pyx was covered in scratches and brambles and cockleburs, and somewhere along the way she'd lost her glasses, but she seemed otherwise okay.

"Where have you been?" Twilight demanded. "Everypony has been worried sick about you!"

"I'm sorry," mumbled Pyx. She sounded weary and disoriented.

"What happened to those other two fillies that were with you?"

Pyx blinked. She looked genuinely confused, like there was something she couldn't remember.

"I...I don't know," she said. "They ditched me...and then...I don't know where they went after that. They said something about a clubhouse..."

A clubhouse, thought Twilight. Fluttershy had mentioned something about that as well. An unpleasant thought suddenly occurred to her.

"You three weren't playing around near that old castle, were you?"

"Old castle?" Pyx blinked again. "No, I don't think so..."

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. She suddenly realized she was more tired than she'd ever been in her life, and that she needed a drink. Make that ten drinks, she thought.

"Come on, Pyx," she said. "Let's go home."

"What about Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?" asked Pyx.

"They probably went home too," said Twilight wearily. "And if they're still out here, they better hope I don't find them."

They turned and started back down the path. However, something caught the light from Twilight's horn and drew her attention. She frowned. It looked like Pyx had something tucked inside her vest.

Her aura flared up again, and she reached inside Pyx's vest and levitated the object out. It was a bag full of bits, she realized. A lot of bits. She held it close and peered inside. There were...sweet Celestia. There had to be at least a thousand bits in there.

She looked down at Pyx, who was watching her curiously.

"Where did you get this?" Twilight demanded.

That weird, blank look came over the filly's face again, and she looked confused for a few seconds. She blinked and then shrugged.

"I don't remember. I found it somewhere, I think. Under a log."

She smiled brightly, if a little wearily.

"Nipah~~!"

Author's Note

Chapter Ten: Something Something Nightmare Moon

With the exception of the infamous Rainbow Dash Incident, a foal had never gone missing in Ponyville before, let alone three of them; naturally, the event had become the talk of the town. However, now that a week had passed and there was still no sign of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, the talk was beginning to turn grim. Rumors and gossip were on everypony's lips that Spring, communicated in hushed voices; voices that fell silent whenever the haggard, worry-lined face of Filthy Rich and his wife were seen in town.

Nopony blamed Pyx, of course, nor did they blame Twilight. The horse-police had naturally lectured her a bit for not reporting the incident at first: after returning home with Pyx, Twilight had consumed an entire bottle of Pone's Farm and was unconscious for most of the next day. The initial report had been made by Fluttershy. However, after a brief investigation, it was concluded that Twilight had done nothing wrong. It was reasonable that her primary concern had been her weird-looking cousin-daughter or whatever, they decided, and it had been equally reasonable for her to assume that Spoon and Tiara had simply gone home after ditching Pyx in the woods. No charges were filed, and, much to Twilight's relief, no further inquiries into the identity of her "cousin" were made.

Twilight, of course, had also said nothing about the pouch of bits that Pyx had been carrying with her.

For her part, Pyx found that life was going well. She had become something like a celebrity at the Ponyville school. The foals were in awe of her for spending almost an entire night alone in the Everfree Forest, and at recess they all gathered around to hear her tell the story again and again, even though she couldn't remember most of what had happened. She suddenly found herself with more friends than she knew what to do with; the other fillies had even begun imitating her unusual patterns of speech, ending all of their sentences with "tutturu" and "nipah."

And, though nopony ever said it out loud, the truth was that the schoolyard felt a little more pleasant these days, and nopony really missed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon all that much. However, all of that was soon to change.

One bright, sunny morning in the library, Twilight Sparkle's little makeshift family was gathered around the breakfast table. Twilight wore a rumpled, unwashed bathrobe, and her mane was a mess, but the half-empty mimosa on the table indicated that she was in a good mood. She chatted gaily with Pyx as the latter got ready for school. Nearby, Spike, clad in his frilly pink apron, was washing dishes and arguing with Owlowiscious about the identity of an unknown person.

In spite of her recent ordeal in the woods, Pyx was back to her usual self. Replacing her torn vest and broken glasses had thankfully been a trivial matter: as it turned out, Rarity had an entire box of unsold leopard-print vests in the back room of her store, and she had graciously allowed Pyx to take them all. In an equally curious coincidence, she had also provided a box full of cheap, plastic eyeglasses identical to the supposedly custom pair that had been lost. The filly was now busy getting her assorted books and pencils together for school, nipah-ing and tutturu-ing as she went.

Suddenly, there came a knock at the door.

"Spike, answer the door!" yelled Twilight.

Spike answered the door.

A pair of earth pony stallions, dressed in matching grey suits with matching fedoras, trotted into the main room of the library.

"Good morning, ma'am," said the slightly taller stallion. "My name is Pony-Joe Friday, and this is my partner, Horse-Pun McSpade. We're detectives with the Ponerton Detective Agency."

The other partner, McSpade, passed a business card to Spike, who read it, shrugged, and passed it off to Twilight, who was just entering from the kitchen. She levitated it before her eyes, squinting at the fine print:

Pony-Joe Friday / Horse-Pun McSpade

Detectives

The Ponerton Detective Agency

"Um, okay," she said. "How can I help you?"

"We're looking into the disappearances of Miss Diamond Tiara and Miss Silver Spoon," Friday continued. "We were wondering if we could ask you a few questions."

Twilight made an effort to straighten her mane a bit, and swallowed the remainder of her mimosa in one gulp.

"Yeah, that's fine I guess," she said. "But the horse-police were already here."

"That's fine, ma'am," said McSpade. "We're not here on behalf of the horse-police. We've been hired directly by the Rich family in hopes that we might have better luck finding their daughter."

"Oh, okay. Um, would you like some coffee?"

"That sounds just wonderful, ma'am," said Friday.

"Alright, I'll get some going," said Twilight. "SPIKE!! GET SOME COFFEE GOING!!"

The dragon in the pink frilly apron stomped back into the kitchen, grumbling to himself, while Twilight and the two detectives sat down at the table in the library.

"So, uh, how's the search going?" asked Twilight.

Detective Friday glanced at Pyx, who was watching them curiously from the kitchen doorway.

"Um, ma'am? Would you mind asking your filly to leave the room? She probably shouldn't be hearing this."

Twilight's brow furrowed in concern.

"Pyx!" she called out. "Why don't you go upstairs and get the rest of your homework together?"

"Nipah~~!" Pyx said pleasantly, and trotted up to the sleeping loft.

Once the two detectives felt the child was out of earshot, they leaned in closer.

"The search is technically over," said Friday in a low voice. "The bodies of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were discovered late last evening, washed up on the riverbank about twenty miles downstream from the old castle."

Twilight gasped.

"That's horrible!" she cried. "Those poor little fillies!"

"The bodies were in pretty bad shape," said McSpade. "They had both been beaten with rocks and stabbed multiple times with some unidentified weapon. From the shape of the entry wounds, the current theory is that it was some kind of sharpened stick."

"I...see," said Twilight. She looked a little queasy.

"The body of Silver Spoon was in particularly bad shape," continued McSpade. "In addition to being stabbed and beaten, she'd had her neck broken and her head twisted around. When we found her, she looked a little like that owl over there."

He indicated Owlowiscious, who was perched on a nearby bookcase, watching them curiously with his head turned around one hundred and eighty degrees.

"Who?" he asked. The three ponies ignored him.

"I......see," said Twilight. She now looked extremely queasy.

"On top of their fatal injuries, considerable post-mortem damage had been inflicted," McSpade went on, oblivious to Twilight's discomfort. "Whoever worked these fillies over worked them over good. They also went to considerable lengths to desecrate the bodies afterward. Diamond Tiara had her tiara wedged in an unmentionable place, and Silver Spoon had been severely beaten with her own amputated legs. In addition to this, they had clearly been exposed to the elements for some time. Diamond Tiara got the worst of it. When we found her, her face had been partially eaten by raccoons, one of which was still feeding on her when our agents arrived. It took at least four of us to chase him off, but not before he managed to detach one of her eyeballs and--"

Twilight suddenly leapt to her hooves and galloped to the bathroom. The door slammed shut, and muffled sounds of retching could be heard from the other side. The two detectives looked discreetly away, admiring the library's extensive collection of old Ponish books.

"Say, how's that coffee coming along, little dragon?" called out Friday.

Spike mumbled something unintelligible and unfriendly-sounding.

The toilet flushed, and Twilight reemerged, still looking rather queasy.

McSpade smiled pleasantly at her.

"We brought some photos if you'd like to take a look at them--"

"NO!" said Twilight. "No, that's okay."

"We understand this must be very difficult for you, ma'am," said Detective Friday. "That's why we usually don't want children to hear these things."

"Is there any reason that I had to hear them?" asked Twilight.

"No," said Detective McSpade, "But we like to be thorough."

Friday cleared his throat.

"From the condition of the bodies," he said, "Our current theory is that these fillies did not die of natural causes. We're suspecting foul play."

"Really," said Twilight dryly. "Well, I guess you're the detectives."

"We're currently looking into a possible connection with an occult organization that's been operating in the area recently," said McSpade. "We understand you might have had a run-in with them a couple of months ago."

Friday reached into his jacket with his muzzle, and passed a manila folder over the table.

"Do you know anything about an outfit called the Order of the New Moon?" he asked.

Twilight opened the folder and skimmed through a few blurry photographs of ponies in dark robes performing ritual dances around a campfire.

"The Order of the New Moon?" she asked. "I don't think...wait a minute, was this the same pack of incels who dragged me off into the woods that night?"

The two detectives glanced at each other.

"That's what we're currently trying to work out, ma'am," said Friday.

"Do any of these ponies look familiar to you?" asked McSpade.

Twilight looked over the photos again.

"These aren't very good pictures," she said. "And I was tied up and blindfolded, so I didn't really get a good look at them. Plus, I was a little...under the weather that night."

"Under the table, you mean," said Spike pleasantly, entering the room with a silver tray. He set it down on the table and poured out three cups of coffee.

The two detectives glanced at each other again.

"Were you...inebriated at the time?" asked Friday delicately.

"Twilight? Inebriated?" Spike scoffed. "Not a chance. Nothing like that goes on in this house. No, sir, officer; we're strictly teetotalers around here. Isn't that right, Twilight?"

Twilight shot him a murderous look.

"Spike, I'm afraid there's a bit of a mess in the bathroom," she said. "Would you be a dear and go clean that up for me?"

Spike smiled politely, made an extremely rude gesture, and stomped off to find a bucket and mop.

The two detectives glanced at each other a third time, and then rose.

"Well, we've probably taken up enough of your time," said Friday. "If you think of anything else that might help us, please get in touch."

"I'll do that," said Twilight.

When the door closed behind them, and they were once again out in the fresh morning air, the two detectives faced each other.

"What did you make of that?" asked Friday.

McSpade shrugged.

"About what we expected."

"Think she knows anything she's not telling?"

"I doubt it."

Friday pushed his muzzle inside his jacket and emerged with a cigarette in his mouth. He bent down toward a nearby rock and scraped it a few times with a flint-tipped horseshoe until it made a spark. He raised his head and turned his attention back to his partner, exhaling smoke.

"You get a look at that filly of hers?" he asked.

McSpade frowned.

"The little black one? What about her?"

"Not much of a family resemblance," said Friday.

"Yeah, I noticed that too. Maybe she's adopted."

"She remind you of anypony?"

McSpade shrugged.

"Sapphire Shores with better fashion sense?"

"Maybe. But...I don't know. I caught sort of a vibe off of her. Sort of a Nightmare Moonish vibe."

McSpade rolled his eyes.

"Oh, you've said that that about every filly we've seen since this investigation started," he scoffed. "What is it with you and Nightmare Moon fillies, anyway?"

Friday exhaled a wreath of smoke.

"Call it a hunch, a policeman's instinct," he said.

"I call it nuts," retorted McSpade. "You and your wacky conspiracy theories. Nightmare Moon resurrected as a filly; give me a break."

Friday shrugged indifferently.

"Say what you will, but don't you think this is all a little too convenient? Some Nightmare Moon cult starts operating in the area, kidnaps one of the six ponies who helped defeat the original Nightmare Moon, uses her in some kind of magic ritual to resurrect Nightmare Moon, and all of a sudden here's this filly, living with the abductee, who looks exactly like Nightmare Moon?"

McSpade laughed scornfully.

"Oh, come on!" he said. "That filly looked nothing like Nightmare Moon!"

"I thought I saw a resemblance."

"Did Nightmare Moon have a racing stripe in her hair?"

"She could have. Did you ever see her up close?"

"No, but--"

"But nothing. We're supposed to investigate every angle, so let's investigate every angle. Come on, we're getting paid, and it's not like we've got any better leads at the moment."

McSpade opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it and shrugged.

"All right, I guess I'll give you that," he said. "So what do you want to investigate?"

Friday spat out the butt of his cigarette and ground it out with his hoof.

"For starters, I'd like to find out if Twilight Sparkle actually has a daughter or not."

In a dark dark room, in a dark dark corner of a dark dark tower, a dark dark unicorn was thinking dark dark thoughts.

As one of the most revered professors at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, as well as the Chair of the Angsty Poetry Department, Evening Musk had had first pick of offices. However, to his colleagues' surprise, instead of one of the prime offices on the ground floor, he had chosen this old, dilapidated observatory located at the very top of the East Tower. Rumor had it that this room had once belonged to Star Swirl the Bearded himself. Of course, another rumor had it that it had once been a broom closet, but Evening Musk chose to believe the more romantic of the two stories.

The shutters had not been opened since he'd moved in, and no matter the time of day, the room was always dark and stuffy. The only light came from a single candelabra that sat on the desk, casting an eerie light on his shelves full of skulls and talismans and arcane tomes.

There was a knock at the door.

Evening Musk looked up from the book of angsty poems he was reading, annoyed at the interruption.

"Enter!" he said.

The door opened, and his acolyte Night Soil entered the room.

"My liege," he said, bowing.

Evening Musk waved a dismissive hoof.

"Yes, yes, never mind all that," he said. "What is so important that you felt the need to barge in on my studies?"

Night Soil cleared his throat.

"I apologize, sir," he said. "However, you instructed me to alert you the moment I learned anything about Celestia's investigation into the Everfree Forest incident."

Evening Musk frowned. He closed his book and levitated it back to the shelf, and sat up alertly with his hooves pressed together on the desk.

"I thought you told me that investigation had been closed," he said, with interest.

"It was," confirmed Night Soil. "However...well, perhaps I had better let this fellow explain it to you."

He turned and gestured, and a light blue unicorn with a white mane and a severe expression stepped into the room.

"Who are you?" demanded Musk.

"You don't know me, my Lord," said the unicorn. "But my name is Bastion Yorsets. I am loyal to your cause."

"Your name is what?"

"Bastion Yorsets, my Lord. All hail our Queen!"

"Yes, yes, all hail the Queen," said Musk, waving his hoof impatiently. "But before we get into all that, I want to ask about that name of yours! Where in Equestria did you get a name like that?"

The unicorn looked taken aback.

"Er, I don't know, my Lord. It's just my name."

"You mean your parents actually named you Bastion Yorsets? Your father willingly acknowledges a son named Bastion Yorsets? On the day you were born, after hours of excruciatingly painful labor, your mother took a look at the beautiful new foal she'd brought into the world and said 'I think we should call it Bastion Yorsets?'"

The unicorn swallowed uncomfortably.

"Uh, no, my Lord. Not exactly."

"What do you mean, 'not exactly'?"

"Well, I'm actually called Top Marks, Lord."

"Top Marks?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"That's the name your parents gave you?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Well, that's an ordinary enough name."

"It is, my Lord."

"A perfectly lovely name, even."

"Thank you, my Lord."

"So why did you tell me your name was Bastion Yorsets?"

"Well, my Lord, it's...something of a nickname."

"A nickname?"

"Yes, Lord."

"Who gave it to you?"

"No one, my Lord."

"So you just started calling yourself that one day?"

"Err...I suppose so, my Lord."

"And what exactly does 'Bastion Yorsets' mean, anyway?"

"I don't know, my Lord. I just like the name."

Evening Musk took a long, deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"So, let me get this straight," he began. "Here you are, a perfectly fine, upstanding, well-bred stallion with a perfectly lovely name, given you by your loving parents. And one day, for absolutely no discernible reason, you started going around calling yourself Bastion Yorsets."

The unicorn swallowed.

"Um, yes, my Lord."

"I'm supposed to sit here and have a conversation with somepony who willingly goes around calling himself Bastion Yorsets."

"Uh...yes. I suppose so, my Lord."

Evening Musk turned to Night Soil.

"What in Equestria is the meaning of this?!?" he demanded. "Why would you bring someone with such an incredibly stupid name into my office?"

"Well, sir," said Night Soil, a bit nervously, "I think you should at least hear what he has to say."

Evening Musk looked away and sighed heavily. He tapped an irritated hoof against the ancient wooden surface of his desk. Legend held that Star Swirl had composed his famous text on levitation using this very desk. Another legend held that it was the desk upon which Professor Broadleaf had impregnated Rose Blossom the cleaning mare, and it had been moved in here because it smelled funny.

The two ponies across from him glanced at each other nervously.

"I ought to throw you out the window!" Musk exploded suddenly. "I ought to lift you up by your horn, throw open the shutters, toss you out into the wild blue yonder, and watch with glee as you fall screaming to your death!"

Yorsets swallowed again.

"Well, my Lord," he began nervously. "If that is the fate I must endure in order to be of service to our Queen, then I would gladly accept it. However, I think you should at least hear what I have to say first."

Musk sighed.

"Oh, very well. What information do you bring me?"

Yorsets glanced nervously at Night Soil, who gave him an encouraging nod.

"Well, my Lord, I have heard news of--"

"Am I to call you Bastion Yorsets," Musk cut in suddenly. "Or can I just call you Top Marks instead?"

Yorsets cleared his throat nervously.

"Well, my Lord, if it's all the same, I think I'd prefer to have you call me Bastion Yorsets."

"He does have some very valuable information, Lord," added Night Soil. "I really think you should hear it."

Musk sighed heavily in resignation.

"Very well," he said. "I will call you Bastion Yorsets."

"Thank you, my Lord."

"But it's a stupid name."

"Well, that's just your opinion, my Lord. I, for one, am quite fond of it."

"Just get on with it, before I change my mind and toss you out the window."

"Ah, yes. *Ahem*. As I said, my name is Bastion Yorsets. After the, er, incident in the Everfree Forest, Princess Celestia opened an investigation into our most nefarious Order."

Musk grunted impatiently and waved a hoof.

"I know all of this already," he said.

"Well, what you may not already know is that I was brought on as a consultant to study the spell that was used in the summoning ritual, and to determine its purpose. Naturally, I already understood the purpose of the spell, and naturally I did what I could to obfuscate this to keep Celestia from learning the truth--"

"Oh, will you please just get to the point, man!"

Bastion Yorsets looked a bit hurt, but he again cleared his throat.

"Well, my Lord, I have discovered that the spell was not...entirely unsuccessful."

This caused Musk to sit up in his chair and pay attention.

"What do you mean?" he demanded. "The ceremony was interrupted; the transmutation did not complete."

"Yes, Lord, due to Celestia's intervention, you did not succeed in bringing our Queen through the portal. However, through my studies I have confirmed that something was indeed pulled through."

Yorsets noted with satisfaction that he had Musk's undivided attention now.

"If it was not our Queen who came through the portal, then...what did come through?" asked Musk.

"I'm afraid I have yet to determine that," said Yorsets. "But I have a theory, if you would like to hear it."

Musk made an impatient gesture.

"Yes, go on," he said.

"Well," continued Yorsets, "Some aspect of our Queen did indeed make it through; I've ascertained that much. However, she was still without form when the spell was interrupted. What came through the portal was most likely some sort of chimera, a creature composed of various...lower entities...that was assembled and given life in the Void."

Evening Musk thoughtfully rubbed a hoof against the underside of his chin.

"Yes, that makes sense..." he mused. "And this...aspect of our Queen you spoke of?"

"It is most likely lying dormant inside the chimera, as a sort of second personality. If my calculations are correct, it would take but a small push to awaken Her. I've already taken the liberty of drawing up some rudimentary notes on the procedure."

He rummaged about in his saddlebag, and produced a stack of pages covered in runes and diagrams. Musk skimmed over them quickly.

"Yes," he said. "Yes, I can see how this might work."

He looked up.

"Do we have any idea where the chimera might be? Is it...still wandering about in the Everfree Forest?"

Yorsets flashed a cunning smile and shook his head.

"That is what I had thought at first," he said. "But, it appears that she may have been found. One of our agents in Ponyville has made a most promising report. He says that there is a rumor in town that the librarian's little cousin is...not all that she seems."

"Ponyville, eh?" mused Evening Musk. "Who is our agent there, anyway?"

"Soup Du Jour, my Lord."

"Soup Du Jour? I've never heard of him."

"I'm not surprised, Lord. He's something of...of a background pony, if you will."

"A background pony?"

"Yes, you know; one of those fellows who just sort of blends in with the scenery. The sort of fellow you don't even notice even if he's standing right in front of you. Only an extremely observant pony would even remember he existed, let alone know his name."

"Hmm, yes; that sort of pony is perfect to use as an agent. Well, have him look into this matter, and see if there's a way for us to get hold of this chimera. In the meantime, I'll get to work constructing this spell of yours. Perhaps we can salvage this yet."

"Certainly, my Lord."

"Oh, and Yorsets?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Good work. I've decided not to throw you out the window."

Bastion Yorsets bowed graciously.

"Thank you, my Lord."

"However, I still think your name is stupid."

"This is bad, Spike!"

Twilight paced nervously back and forth across the main room of the library.

"This is really, really bad!!"

Spike sat in the corner in his favorite easy chair, smoking his bubble pipe. Usually, Twilight's freakouts were one of his few sources of amusement, but today she was actually starting to worry him.

To her credit, Twilight had managed to keep it together long enough to finish getting Pyx ready for school. However, as soon as the door had slammed shut behind her, Twi had gone straight for the Pone's Farm and started ranting.

"What are you freaking out about, anyway?" demanded Spike. "They're not investigating you."

"It's not me I'm worried about," cried Twilight. "It's Pyx!"

"Pyx? That makes even less sense than if they were investigating you. What do you think, that Pyx killed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?"

He'd meant this as a joke, but from the look on Twilight's face, it was clear that she didn't take it as one. He choked on his pipe in surprise, and hiccuped out a large bubble.

"Seriously?" he asked.

"AAAAAARGH!!"

Twilight threw up her hooves in frustration.

"I don't know, Spike," she said. "But it looks bad."

Spike thought about it for a moment, then waved his claws dismissively.

"Oh, come on!" he said. "Sure, little Trebuchet and I have never really gotten along, but...I can't believe she'd actually kill anypony!"

"Pyx wouldn't," said Twilight. "But Nightmare Moon might."

Spike rolled his eyes.

"There you go with all that Nightmare Moon stuff again."

Twilight swallowed what was left of the bottle in a single gulp, and then grabbed a new one off the table and uncorked it. Spike watched her with unease. She wasn't even bothering with a glass today.

"You didn't see her that night, Spike. Coming out of the woods, those Nightmare Moonish eyes, glowing all Nightmare Moonishly! It was the Nightmare Mooniest thing I've ever seen!"

"Pfft," Spike said dismissively.

"And then there was that sack she had when I found her. The one with a thousand bits in it!"

"You said she found that under a log!"

"I said that's what she told me!"

"Yeah, but..."

"You actually believe she found a thousand bits hidden under a log?"

"No, but..."

"Where else would a little filly get a thousand bits, Spike?"

Spike shrugged.

"I dunno. Maybe she seduced a homeless guy."

"Oh, if only I could believe that were true!"

Twilight tipped the bottle back and downed about a third of it in one long glug. Spike watched her with concern.

"Uh, Twilight, maybe you ought to ease up a little on that..."

"There are other things, too, Spike!" she said. "Things I've noticed since she came back. Little signs here and there!"

"Like what?"

"Well, for one thing, I found Peewee stuffed down the garbage disposal the other day."

"Who?"

"Your pet phoenix."

"I have a pet phoenix?"

"Yeah. A little baby phoenix. Don't you remember?"

"I'm not sure anyone remembers that. And anyway, Peewee might have died of natural causes."

Twilight looked at him as if he were actually retarded.

"Peewee...died of natural causes."

Spike shrugged.

"Maybe?"

"And then stuffed himself into the garbage disposal."

"......it could happen."

"No, Spike, I'm pretty sure that it couldn't. This was murder, Spike."

"Murder most foul?"

"Yes! The worst kind of murder!"

She glugged down another third of the bottle.

"Do you have any idea what this is doing to my conscience, Spike?" she demanded. She looked a little unsteady on her hooves now. "Do you think I could live with myself, being the mother of a monster?!? Knowing that *hic* I brought a murderer into this world?!? And even if *hic* even if I am and I did, what right *hic* whadright do they haveda...taygerawayfrum me, *hic*eben iv she iz...Nighdmare Moom...?!?!?!?"

Spike rolled his eyes and sighed heavily.

"For the last time, Twilight, you're not actually her mother! And as much as I'd love an excuse to punt that annoying, creepy little hairball back into the woods where she belongs, you can't jump to conclusions just because of a few little--"

Spike cut himself off suddenly, when he realized that Twilight had lost consciousness, and was now lying sprawled out on the floor of the library. He sighed again, and went upstairs to the sleeping loft.

He returned a moment later, lifted her head, and stuffed a pillow under it. Then he threw a blanket on top of her.

"Get some sleep, you little drunken angel," he muttered.

He sat down to finish his pipe.

Chapter Eleven: Cry "Nipah" and Let Slip the Pones of War

Pyx stared out the window, lost in thought. Miss Cheerilee was at the front of the class, reading the day's lesson. Pyx loved school, particularly history, and today's lecture was about an ancient Equestrian countess named Elizabeth Baythory, who had tortured over one hundred foals to death in her dungeon of despair. It was the sort of lecture that Pyx loved, and it should have had her on the edge of her seat with excitement, but for some reason she just couldn't concentrate on school today.

She'd been eavesdropping on Mommy Twilight's conversation that morning, of course. She hadn't been able to hear most of the details, but she knew it had something to do with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and how they were still missing. Something about that made her feel queasy inside. She didn't know what had happened to those two that night they'd all been lost in the woods together -- nopony did, after all -- but she knew that something had happened. Something that had taken place after they'd ditched her and before Mommy Twilight had found her. Something she couldn't remember, or maybe didn't want to remember.

"Pyx!" somepony whispered.

She looked away from the window, and saw that everypony was staring at her. Miss Cheerilee was staring at her. They all looked like they were expecting her to say something. She stared blankly at them all for a moment. Normally, Mommy Twilight's voice in her head would give her advice in situations like this, but the voice had been strangely silent lately. It hadn't spoken since that night in the woods.

She realized she needed to say something.

"N-nipah~~!" she said, beaming.

Miss Cheerilee smiled.

"Excellent!" she said. Then, she turned back to the chalkboard and began writing.

Pyx glanced around her. The desk to her right, the one that Diamond Tiara had sat in, was empty, but the one on her left was Sweetie Belle's. She leaned over and whispered:

"What's going on?"

Sweetie Belle looked surprised.

"Weren't you paying attention?" she whispered back.

Pyx shook her head.

"Oh," whispered Sweetie Belle. "Well, the class is putting on a play for the Ponyville Spring Festival, and you just agreed to direct it! AND play the lead role!"

Soup Du Jour was doing his best to look inconspicuous. Most ponies would find that rather difficult in this situation: at present, he was squatting in the bushes near the elementary school, watching a group of foals through a pair of binoculars. However, for Soup Du Jour, looking inconspicuous was not at all difficult, even in the most conspicuous of circumstances. Looking inconspicuous was something of a specialty for him.

The story of how Soup Du Jour had come to this point, to be squatting in these bushes, looking so conspicuous and yet so inconspicuous, is long and sad. And yet, it is a story that must be told if we are to understand him.

As far back as he could remember, Soup Du Jour had always wanted to be a waiter at a fancy restaurant. It was in his very blood: his father had been a waiter in a fancy restaurant, as had his father before him, and his father before him. He was the last in a long, long line of fancy waiter-ponies. Surely, he felt, it would be his destiny to follow in their hoofsteps.

The signs had all been there. Even as a foal, he had had the appearance and carriage of a fancy waiter-pony. He had grown his first pencil mustache at the age of four. By the age of five, he was already wearing tuxedos and carrying plates around. His first words had not been anything so conventional as "mama" or "papa." Instead, he had looked up from his mother's teat and said, in a flawlessly fancy accent: "Would madame like to try the souffle this evening?"

When his cutie mark of a raised dish and cloche had appeared, he had felt that his destiny was set in stone, that the road to fancy waiterdom would simply rise up to meet him. And yet, that destiny was not to be. For, no matter how adept he was at being a fancy waiter, he could find no restaurant that would employ him; nor any customer that would let him take their order.

For as soon as Soup Du Jour set forth into the world, he discovered that fate had dealt him a cruel blow indeed. For, no matter how great his waiterly talents might be, his destiny was to be...a background pony, and an obscure one at that.

He was the sort of pony that nopony ever noticed. Wherever he stood, he found that he simply blended in, as though he were a part of the scenery and nothing more. He was the sort of pony that you just didn't notice at all. You might see him once, if ever, and only for a split second at that. Odds are that if you did see him, you wouldn't take notice of him, nor would you ever think to ask his name. If someone were to mention him to you, you would most likely have no idea to whom they were referring.

For years, Soup Du Jour had wandered Equestria, hoping to find work as a waiter, but instead finding that he was ignored by all. He would go from restaurant to restaurant and stand in the background, doing his best to look like a waiter, but it was to no avail; nopony ever noticed him, and nopony ever let him take their order. That is, until one fateful day, at a restaurant in Ponyville, when a strange unicorn had finally spoken the words he'd spent his life dreaming he'd hear:

"Excuse me, waiter? I think I'm ready to order now."

Bastion Yorsets, the only pony who had ever treated him as a waiter, would soon introduce him to the tenets of the Order of the New Moon. Now, Soup Du Jour was committed to a new world, a better world, a world in which the Great Queen Nightmare Moon would recognize his talents for fancy waitering and restore him to his proper position.

However, until that day came, he had a particular talent for being inconspicuous, and he had an obligation to use that talent in service of his Queen.

Today, that talent was being used to spy on four little fillies, who were enjoying their recess under the shade of an old elm tree. He couldn't hear what they were talking about, but he spotted the one he was supposed to be watching easily enough.

He examined the filly through his binoculars, then examined the photo of Nightmare Moon he had been given. He frowned, and looked through the binoculars again. He stared for a long time, and then looked back at the photo.

Still frowning, he took a green marker in his mouth and scribbled a new mane onto the photo. He examined his work; no, it still didn't quite look right. He took a white marker and a black marker and colored in a racing stripe, and then doodled a leopard-print vest and headband over her Majesty's armor. Then, he drew glasses on her. He stared back and forth between the modified photo and the filly seated under the elm for awhile, pensively stroking his chin.

"Hmm....." he said aloud. ".....no, I'm afraid I just don't see it."

However, none of the other fillies resembled the Queen either, and the one with the green mane did at least match the description that Yorsets had given. He shrugged; perhaps he should just trust his Lordship's judgement on this one.

He leaned in and spoke into the communicator embedded in his lapel.

"Pardon me, sir," he said. "But I believe I have found the one you are looking for."

Meanwhile, Pyx sat in the shade of the mighty elm, staring into the grass and drumming her hooves nervously.

"What's wrong, Pyx?" said Apple Bloom. "Aren't you excited about gettin' to direct the play, nee-pah?"

"Yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "You get to star in it and everything! Tutturu!"

Pyx looked up nervously.

"Can I tell you girls a secret desu?" she whispered.

The three crusaders looked at each other and then nodded.

"I've never directed and starred in a play before! I have no idea what to do! Tuturru~~!"

"Tuturru~~!" responded the three fillies in unison.

"Didn't they have school plays back in Detrot desu?" asked Scootaloo.

"Honestly? I have no idea desu," admitted Pyx. "I don't even remember living in Detrot. I don't remember most of the night I spent in the Everfree Forest either. Is it normal to have large chunks of time missing from your memories? Because this is really starting to freak me out desu--"

"Hey, maybe you've got brain damage!" said Scootaloo excitedly.

"Brain damage?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Yeah!" said Scoot. "My Dad had it once. This one time, he and my Mom were tracking rare animals in the Forbidden Jungle, when a pack of angry crocodiles attacked, and my Dad hit his head against a tree--"

"Oh, stop pretendin' to have parents, Scootaloo!" interjected Apple Bloom. "You ain't foolin' nopony!"

"I do have parents, though!" protested Scoot. "They're world-famous adventurers, and they travel all over Equestria, and they study exotic creatures, and--"

Sweetie Belle put a sympathetic hoof on Scootaloo's shoulder.

"Nopony's buying it, Scoot," she whispered. "You're just embarrassing yourself, desu."

Scootaloo glared sulkily at the ground.

"I'm not lying!" she muttered. "I really do have parents!"

However, the others had stopped paying attention to her.

"I wouldn't worry too much about brain damage, Pyx," said Apple Bloom, shooting Scootaloo a dirty look. "I think you're just nervous. Nee-pah."

"Nipah," agreed Pyx. She looked up. "But what about the play desu? I don't know the first thing about directing and starring in a play!"

"Miss Cheerilee says you also have to write it," added Sweetie Belle.

"I have to write it too?!?" cried Pyx.

"It's okay, Pyx!" Apple Bloom assured her. "We'll help! Ain't that right, girls?"

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo nodded.

"Actually," said Scootaloo, "We have something we wanted to give you."

"Oh yeah, that's right!" said Sweetie Belle.

The three crusaders reached into their bookbags, and they each pulled out their trademark red capes, emblazoned with a blue and yellow insignia of a foal. Pyx had seen these capes before; they signified membership in the Esoteric Order of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. However, today, Sweetie Belle had brought a fourth cape for Pyx, identical to those her friends wore.

"Is this...for me desu?" asked Pyx.

"Yep!" said Sweetie Belle. "Last night when I was setting the table desu, I accidentally put the soup spoons where the dessert spoons were supposed to go, and Rarity got super-angry with me and locked me in the cellar for the rest of the night. There was some fabric down there, so I made this to pass the time!"

"Eh...yeah," cut in Apple Bloom. "And also, you've been our friend for awhile now, and we've been thinkin' it's about time we made you an official member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

Pyx's horn lit up, and she held the cape before her eyes, staring at it reverently.

"This is...for me?" she asked again.

"You bet!" said Scootaloo.

Pyx fastened the cape around her neck.

"And now that you're an official Cutie Mark Crusader, writin' and directin' that play should be no problem!" said Apple Bloom.

"Yeah, we'll all do it together!" said Scootaloo.

"We might even get our cutie marks for it!" said Apple Bloom.

The four crusaders bumped their hooves together triumphantly.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PLAY PRODUCERS!" they said in unison. "TUTTURU~~!"

"Sometimes, Rarity burns me with cigarettes," added Sweetie Belle.

For the next two weeks, Pyx and her friends worked diligently on their play. Sweetie Belle had suggested using a book from Twilight's library for the story, and Pyx had found a really interesting one. It had been tucked away behind one of the bookshelves, almost as if Mommy Twilight had wanted to keep it hidden from her, but as soon as she read the first few pages, Pyx knew that it would be perfect. A script was hastily written, and soon rehearsals had begun.

"So when am I going to get to see this play of yours?" Twilight asked one morning at breakfast. "I'd sure like to take a look at the script!"

"Oh, um, you can't see it yet, Mommy," said Pyx. "You have to wait until the Spring Festival like everypony else. Tutturu~~!"

Twilight smiled pleasantly.

"Oh, boy! I can't wait!" she said. "Welp, look at the time! You had better get your books together, Pyx! It's almost time to head off to school!"

"Nipah~~!" beamed Pyx, and trotted upstairs.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Twilight grabbed Spike in a magic aura and yanked him across the room.

"WAAAH!" he cried in alarm. "Twilight, what the hell--"

"SHHH!" hissed Twilight into his ear. "Don't let Pyx hear you!"

"Uh...okay..." he said cautiously. "But, seriously, Twilight--"

"It's gone, Spike!" she hissed.

"Uh...what's gone?"

"IT'S GONE, SPIKE!"

"You mean the last thread of your sanity?"

"No, Spike! My book on the Elements of Harmony! It's gone!"

Spike struggled, waving his arms and legs until finally he broke out of Twilight's aura. He fell to the floor and dusted himself off.

"So?" he asked. "I thought you'd read that one already."

"I have read it; that's not the point! This morning I wanted to look something up in there, and I couldn't find it! The book is just gone, Spike!"

"Is that all that's bothering you?"

"What, do you know where it is?"

"Yeah," he said.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

"Pyx took it."

"WHAT?!?"

Her relief evaporated.

"Yeah," continued Spike. "I overheard her and her friends talking about it last week. They were in the Library trying to think up a story for their play, and Sweetie Belle suggested they grab one of your books. Then Pyx found one that she thought sounded interesting, and they all agreed it was perfect."

"WHAT?!? Spike, how could you let them do that?!? And why didn't you tell me?!?"

"I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I didn't think you'd mind. You let Pyx borrow your books all the time!"

"Obviously, I don't want her to borrow that one!"

"Why not? Wait a minute, does this have something to do with your whole crazy Nightmare Moon thing? I keep telling you, Twilight, you need to let that go!"

Unfortunately, Twilight no longer seemed to be listening to him. She was pacing back and forth around the library, muttering to herself. She uncorked a nearby bottle of Pone's Farm, and started taking swigs as she paced.

"I've got to get that book away from her!" she muttered. "No, wait! It's too late for that; she's probably already read it! But wait, the real issue is that if she puts on that play, it's just going to make everypony think of Nightmare Moon! And who's playing Nightmare Moon in this play, anyway?!? If Pyx plays Nightmare Moon, they're all just going to see how Nightmare Moony she really is! And if Celestia sees all that Nightmare Mooning going on, then she's going to--"

"Bye, Mommy!"

Pyx had descended the stairs, her bookbag slung across her back. Her horn glowed, and the front door of the library swung open.

"I'm heading to school now!" she called. "Tutturu~~!"

"Bye, sweetie," said Twilight absent-mindedly.

Then, a second later, she realized what had just happened.

"WAIT!!!" she called out, just as the door slammed shut.

"Let her go, Twilight!" said Spike. "Besides, it's too late. The Ponyville Spring Festival is tomorrow, remember? The class has been having full rehearsals of that play for days now. Everypony has already seen it. Everypony at the school, anyway."

"It's not the school I'm worried about!" said Twilight. "Celestia hasn't seen it, but she's going to be attending the Festival! She hasn't even met Pyx yet, and if the first time she sees her is in a play about Nightmare Moon, then she's going to realize--"

"Twilight! Seriously! You need to relax!" said Spike.

"I'd love to relax, Spike!" snapped Twilight. "But I can't. And do you know why? Because if Pyx performs that play tomorrow night, Princess Celestia is going to send her to the moon!!"

Spike sighed heavily.

"Twilight," he said. "Nopony is getting sent to the moon! This whole obsession of yours really isn't good for your health..."

Unfortunately, Twilight was no longer listening to him.

"I've got to think of a way to stop that play!" she muttered.

She took a long, long draught of Pone's Farm.

"Alright, let's go over what we know."

Detectives Friday and McSpade were seated opposite each other in a corner booth at Sugar Cube Corner. Friday was sipping a coconut-cream cinnamon oat bran choco-mint strawberry-rhubarb custard-filled banana nut shake with two scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, four marshmallows, and dusted with rainbow-colored sprinkles. McSpade was meanwhile enjoying a double-fudge caramel-coated sugar-plum cookie-dusted molasses-coated deep-fried banana-split sundae with almonds and craisins.

Both detectives had started their meal with a pot of coffee, which naturally had been served with partially hydrogenated non-dairy whipped topping, chocolate-cream-drizzle-fudge sauce, black licorice, red sprinkles, and a Maraschino cherry. However, McSpade had also ordered a molten-fudge coated banana-whipped vanilla-bean cream-covered nut-encrusted cherry-custard-filled bear claw, which he had eaten before his sundae.

The pink earth pony who had been waiting on them approached their table.

"How are we doing, boys?" she asked. "Can I get you any more raisin-flavored licorice-scented bubblegum fudge cream sauce, or maybe some deep-fried doughnut-breaded chocolate-cream-covered mint muffins?"

"No thanks, doll," said Friday. "Although I could use a little more milk-chocoate vanilla-sprinkled partially-caramelized coconut cream for my fig-stuffed pudding-coated cotton-candy-sprinkled strawberry cream surprise cake, whenever you get a chance."

"Yoooooooooooooou got it~~!" cried the earth pony merrily, and she pranced off into the kitchen, singing to herself like a ninny.

"Anyway," said McSpade. "Let's go over what we know."

"Right," agreed Friday.

"Toxicology report came up clean on both fillies, except for Silver Spoon, who tested positive for heroin and crack cocaine. However, I think we can rule out poison or overdose."

"Right," agreed Friday.

"Most likely cause of death was the 37 stab wounds, 68 stab wounds, and multiple blunt force trauma sustained by Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara respectively."

"Right," agreed Friday. "I think we can also safely conclude that there was no sexual motive to the crime."

"Naturally," said McSpade. "Although Diamond Tiara was violated multiple times with what appears to have been a pineapple, the motive for the murder does not appear to have been sexual. So: what are we left with?"

"Based on the evidence found at the crime scene and the condition of the bodies, the perpetrator was likely either a single unicorn, or a highly organized and extremely vicious team of raccoons," said Friday.

"I think we can safely rule out the raccoons."

"Yeah, I looked into their alibi and it checks out."

"Right," said McSpade. "So, that means we're looking for a unicorn, with both the means to kill and the motivation to want Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon dead."

"Probably a foal," added Friday. "Seeing as how there were no adult hoof-prints found at the scene."

"Right," agreed McSpade.

"So," went on Friday. "How many foals in Ponyville would have a motive to kill Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?"

"A lot of them, actually. But only one who was in the Everfree Forest on the night of the murder."

"Twilight Sparkle's weird little cousin-daughter."

"Right. Pyx Trebuchet. Multiple eyewitnesses confirmed that she was a regular target for Spoon and Tiara's bullying. We also have an eyewitness who can place her in the woods at the time of the murder."

"There's also the piece of torn leopard-print cloth we found in the clearing."

"And the other one we found lodged halfway down Silver Spoon's trachea."

"And the word 'nipah' carved into Diamond Tiara's left butt cheek."

"Right. Also, I've been meaning to ask: what exactly does 'nipah' mean, anyway?" asked McSpade.

"Can't say as I know," admitted Friday. "But there's one thing I do know: Pyx Trebuchet is the Nightmare Mooniest looking filly I've ever laid eyes on, in all my years on the force."

"We're not on the force," McSpade reminded him. "We're private detectives."

"Oh yeah, that's right."

"And anyway, forget about all that Nightmare Moon stuff; I keep telling you it's a lot of hooey."

"It ain't hooey, and I aim to prove it ain't hooey."

"It is hooey, and if you keep it up, the chief is gonna have your badge for it."

"We don't have badges; we're private detectives."

"Oh yeah. Well, never mind about all that. Can we agree that Pyx Trebuchet looks good for this murder at least?"

"Absolutely. Also, I ran a background check on Twilight Sparkle's family."

"And?"

"Get this: not only is Pyx not her daughter, she's not even her cousin. Twilight Sparkle doesn't have any cousins. In fact, I'm not sure she's anypony's cousin: as far as I can tell, there is no record of a 'Pyx Trebuchet' ever existing, in Detrot or anywhere else in Equestria."

"Well doesn't that just beat all?"

"You're darn tootin'."

"So what do you think?" asked McSpade. "Should we bring her in?"

"Yeah. We'll do it tomorrow night, at the play."

"Sounds good. For no reason, we will wait until tomorrow night and apprehend her at the play her class is performing."

"Agreed."

"Say, doll," said Friday, flagging down the pink earth pony as she trotted by. "Could I get a little more maple cream cheese cinnamon fudge sauce for my powdered doughnut pancake surprise?"

Chapter Twelve: Twilight Sparkle Still Drinks Too Much

"BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" screamed Pyx.

It was the night of the Ponyville Spring Festival. At the park in the center of town, ponies were gathering around a makeshift stage that had been erected earlier that day. Behind the stage, the foals of Ponyville Elementary were getting into costume and giving their scripts a last read, in preparation for the play they were about to put on. However, back at the tree library, the star of the play stood facing off against her mother or cousin or whatever, who had just delivered an unwelcome and baffling bit of news.

"Come on, Twilight!" said Spike, standing off to the side with his bubble pipe in his mouth. "You're being even less reasonable than normal."

Twilight, however, didn't budge. She stood firmly in front of the door, holding it shut with her aura. In front of her Pyx gritted her teeth, looking to either side, trying to see if there was a way around.

Then, suddenly, Pyx smiled. Her little horn crackled, and she vanished into thin air. However, Twilight was unperturbed. A moment later Pyx reappeared, her face triumphant until she realized she was standing in the exact same spot. Now it was Twilight's turn to smile, though there was little mirth in it.

"Your little teleportation spell won't work, I'm afraid," she said. "I cast a protective barrier around the entire tree."

"But WHY, Mommy?!?" shouted Pyx. "Why can't I be in the play desu?"

Twilight sighed heavily. The look of hurt and betrayal on Pyx's face was worse than anything. She felt as though her heart were being stung by five hundred bees. However, she knew that this anguish was something she would simply have to endure, because something something Nightmare Moon.

"I can't tell you why," she said, a sad expression on her face. "I'm really sorry Pyx, but you just can't be in it."

"But WHY?!??!" Pyx shouted again. "It doesn't make any sense desu! My friends and I worked so hard on that play desu! They're all counting on me desu! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN DESU?!?!?!?!?!"

"Twilight..." began Spike.

"Oh, give it a rest, Spike," snapped Twilight. "You're not helping."

It was pretty uncharacteristic of Spike to take Pyx's side in an argument. She didn't know why he had chosen now of all times to start doing it, but it only added to her anger and sadness. She felt as though a thousand angry bees were stabbing her heart with bitter stingers of betrayal.

"Look, Pyx," she said. "I know you worked hard on that play, and you really wanted to be in it. But there are times when Mommy has to say no. You're just going to have to trust me when I say that this is what's best for you."

"Shut up!" cried Pyx angrily. "You're not even my Mommy anyway!!"

Twilight recoiled as though she'd been stung in the heart by two thousand bees.

"Don't say that, Pyx," she said, tears in her eyes.

"YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!!" screamed Pyx at the top of her lungs. "You never were my Mommy, desu! You just found me and started calling yourself my Mommy desu! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO MY MOMMY IS, BUT IT ISN'T YOU DESU!!!!!!!"

Twilight felt tears welling up.

"Please, Pyx," she went on, her voice quavering. "One day, you'll realize that this was all for the best..."

"WHY DESU?!?"

Twilight and Spike both took several steps backward in surprise. Pyx's scream sounded like the wail of a banshee, ethereal and terrible. Her glasses suddenly exploded, the spell broken. Her reptilian eyes glowed with fury and some alien power. Her mane, too, was glowing; floating and writhing about her head like a nest of angry serpents.

Pyx took a menacing step forward, and Twilight found herself shrinking back against the door.

"Why can't I be in the play?!?" demanded Pyx. Her voice was no longer hers; she sounded like a creature from the depths of Tartarus itself. Her eyes blazed.

"BECAUSE OF THIS!!" shouted Twilight. "BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!! BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ARE!!!"

Pyx came to a halt mid-step and blinked. The cold light in her eyes was suddenly gone.

"Because of...what...I am...desu?" she asked. Her voice was her own again. "What...what do you mean?"

Instead of answering, Twilight just shook her head.

"I know what you did," she said, her voice calm and sad.

"What...I did?"

Pyx looked confused.

"I found Peewee," said Twilight flatly.

Pyx still looked confused.

"What?"

"I found Peewee," Twilight repeated.

"Who is Peewee?"

"Twilight--" Spike interjected, but she ignored him.

"I found him in the garbage disposal," said Twilight.

"I don't...I don't know what you're talking about..." Pyx stammered.

"Don't deny it, Pyx."

"But I really don't know desu! Who is Peewee?"

"Peewee was Spike's pet phoenix. Emphasis on 'was.'"

"Spike had a pet phoenix? I don't remember that!"

"Nopony does," said Twilight. "But that still didn't give you the right to murder him and stuff him in the garbage disposal."

"Twilight--" Spike began again, but nopony was listening to him.

Pyx stood, blinking back tears and looking even more confused than before.

"You have powers, Pyx," continued Twilight, a little more gently. "I don't know how or why, but you have powerful magic inside you. Magic that you can't always control. Some kind of nightmarish moon-magic. Maybe you didn't hurt Peewee deliberately, in fact I'd rather believe that you didn't, but it doesn't change the fact that he's dead and you're responsible. So until we figure out how to control the dark magic that's inside you, there will be times when you are just going to have to listen to me, and trust that I know what's best for you. Like those times when I make you put on glasses, or hide in the basement, or pull the dental floss out of Spike's colon when he eats it because he doesn't know any better."

"Oh, one time I did that!" Spike scoffed.

"All of those things were for your own good, Pyx," said Twilight. "Just like this is for your own good. And that's why you can't go to the play tonight."

Pyx was trembling.

"SHUT UP!! YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE!! I HATE YOU DESU!!!" she screamed all of a sudden, her eyes wet with tears.

And with that, she turned and ran into the basement, slamming the door behind her. Twilight stood there in silence, staring at the basement door, her heart aching as though it had just been stung by five million bees.

Spike blew a large bubble from his pipe and watched it float lazily across the room.

"That went well," he said.

Cheerilee paced anxiously backstage, once again scanning the milieu of students who were gathered about, putting final touches on their costumes and practicing their lines. There was still no sign of her star.

"Sweetie Belle!" she called out to the little white unicorn as she passed by.

Sweetie turned.

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee?"

"Have you seen Pyx yet?"

"No, I haven't," she said. "Is something wrong?"

Cheerilee looked anxiously at the clock on the wall.

"Well, it's almost showtime," she said. "If Pyx doesn't get here soon, we're going to have to start without her."

Sweetie Belle looked concerned.

"We can't start without her!" she protested. "She's playing the lead role!"

"I know, but..."

"She wrote it! It's her play!"

"I know," admitted Miss Cheerilee nervously. "But Celestia and Luna are here, not to mention everypony else in town, and we can't just keep them waiting forever. Where in Equestria could that filly be..."

Suddenly, their conversation was interrupted as two stallions in grey suits and fedoras entered the backstage area.

"Excuse me, ma'am," said the taller one. "My name is Pony-Joe Friday, and this is my partner Horse-Pun McSpade. We were wondering if we could speak with one of your students for a moment."

Cheerilee took the card that McSpade extended and read it, frowning.

"You're detectives? What is this about?" she demanded.

"We just need to speak with one of your students for a moment," Friday repeated.

"You do have a Pyx Trebuchet in your class, don't you ma'am?" asked McSpade.

Cheerilee and Sweetie Belle glanced nervously at each other.

"I'm afraid that Pyx isn't here at the moment," said Cheerilee carefully. "Would you mind telling me what this is about?"

Instead of answering, the two detectives exchanged a brief look, and then nodded to the teacher.

"If she stops by, please let us know," said Friday, tipping his fedora, and the two of them turned abruptly and left.

Cheerilee turned to Sweetie Belle, who was looking up at her anxiously.

"Sweetie Belle," she said. "Would you mind running down to Twilight's library to see if you can find out what's keeping Pyx? I'll see if I can stall for time."

"Sure, Miss Cheerilee!" said Sweetie Belle, and she took off at a gallop.

Cheerilee watched her go, a knot forming in her belly. Then, she turned around and cleared her throat.

"Excuse me, Snips? Snails?" she called out.

The two colts trotted forward.

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee?" asked Snails.

"Do you two remember that absolutely terrible magic act you did at last month's talent show? The one I told you never to perform in public again?"

The two colts looked at each other, and then smiled and nodded.

"Great," said Cheerilee. "How would you like to be our opening act?"

There were no lights in the gloomy basement, but enough moonlight filtered in through the little window to illuminate the earthen walls. Pyx sat on the floor, her horn aglow, glumly bouncing a little red ball back and forth. Suddenly, the upstairs door creaked open, and lamplight flooded in.

"Go away, Mommy," said Pyx flatly, without turning her head. She bounced the ball again.

"Uh, it's me," said a more-or-less masculine voice.

Pyx glanced over her shoulder as Spike descended the stairs, shutting the door behind him.

"What do you want?" she said, turning to face the wall again.

"Look, uh..." he trailed off, not quite sure what to say.

Pyx said nothing, and continued to bounce her ball.

Spike watched her for a moment, and then abruptly he turned and began pushing boxes and barrels up against the wall, forming a makeshift staircase beneath the window. Pyx watched him curiously. The ball stopped bouncing.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"What do you think I'm doing?" said Spike.

He pushed the last barrel into place, and climbed up the stack until he could reach the window latch.

"Come on," he said. "Climb up. I'll give you a boost."

Pyx gave him a curious look, then shrugged and trotted over to the makeshift staircase.

"Twilight's spell doesn't block me," continued Spike, "So as long as I'm the one who opens the window, you should be able to get out and back in again. If you hurry, you can probably make it to the park before the play starts."

"What about Mommy?" asked Pyx as she scrambled up.

"Don't worry about her," said Spike. "She usually blacks out around this time anyway."

"Mommy drinks too much," said Pyx, clambering up to Spike's level.

"She really does," agreed Spike.

The two of them laughed. Spike put his hands down, and boosted Pyx up so she could crawl through the window. Once she was outside, she turned around.

"Why are you helping me desu?" she asked.

Spike looked a little embarrassed.

"Uh, well," he began. "You remember that thing that Twilight yelled at you about? About putting Peewee down the garbage disposal? I...uh...I know you didn't do it."

"How do you know desu?"

"Uh, well...because...that one was my bad. You see, Peewee was this baby phoenix I found when I was off in the dragon lands. I adopted him as a pet, but after that we all just kind of forgot he even existed. Life just...went on, you know? And...well, I wasn't feeding him, and then one day I noticed this weird smell..."

He cleared his throat and looked away.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter. Twilight thought you murdered him, but you didn't. He died of natural causes, and I'm sticking to that story. So I'm letting you out. Just don't tell her I did, okay? Believe it or not, she really does worry about you. And...try not to stay mad at her, either. She's trying to do what she thinks is best for you...in her own...way. Kind of. I guess."

Pyx nodded enthusiastically.

"I won't tell," she said. "And I'm not mad anymore. Nipah~~!"

"Oh yeah, one more thing," said Spike, rummaging around behind him. "I also brought you another pair of enchanted glasses. Can't have you running around town with those weird-looking eyes, after all."

"Okay," said Pyx. "I'm still not sure I understand why that matters so much, but I no longer feel like asking questions! Nipaaaah~~!"

Pyx bent forward, and let Spike put the glasses on her face. There was a soft flash of magic, and once again her eyes looked like those of any other filly.

"Be careful with these," said Spike. "The box is kinda running low."

"I will desu~~!" said Pyx.

"Anyway, you'd better get out of here while you still can," said Spike. "If you don't hurry they're going to start without you."

Pyx nodded, and turned to go.

"Break a leg, Pyx!" Spike called after her.

Pyx stopped dead in her tracks, and turned around slowly.

"What?" asked Spike. "It's just an expression; I didn't mean you should actually break a leg."

"I know desu," said Pyx. "It's not that, it's just..."

"What?"

"...that's the first time you've ever called me Pyx before."

Spike's cheeks reddened a bit.

"So?" he demanded, quickly looking at the ground.

Pyx grinned.

"I'm just thinking that maybe you like me a little better now! Nipah~~!"

"Yeah, well, don't get a big head about it, Trebuchet," Spike muttered. "I still think you're pretty dumb. Just try not to get sent to the moon or anything, okay?"

Pyx grinned wider.

"I won't!" she cried happily. "Sayonnara, Spike-onii-chan! Tutturu~~!"

She turned and galloped away--

--and nearly collided headfirst with Sweetie Belle, who was galloping towards the library.

"Oh, hi Sweetie Belle!" said Pyx, who managed to rear up in time to avoid gouging her friend's eyeball out with her horn. "Tutturu~~!"

"Tutturu~~!" replied Sweetie Belle. "Uh, Pyx, you do know tonight's the play, right?"

"I know!" beamed Pyx. "Mommy Twilight locked me in the basement again! But I got out! Nipaaaaah~~!"

"Oh, okay," said Sweetie Belle. "Nipah to you too, then. Anyway, we need to get going! Miss Cheerilee says if we don't get there soon, they're going to have to start without us!"

And with that, the two fillies galloped off in the direction of the park.

*BANG BANG BANG*

Twilight awoke with a snort, peeling her face off of the book that was spread open in front of her. She'd drank even more than usual tonight, and being awakened when she was still half-drunk was not a good feeling. Why did she drink so much tonight? Then it all came back to her: Pyx. She'd had a fight with Pyx.

*BANG BANG BANG*

She glanced at the door to the basement. It was shut securely; the filly was probably still sulking down there. The banging was coming from the front door.

"Alright, hold your friggin' horses," Twilight snapped, and stood up to open the door. On the front porch stood the two detectives who had been by a few days ago: Friday and McSpade.

"We're sorry to disturb you so late, ma'am," said Friday.

"What's this about?" said Twilight suspiciously.

"We'd like to speak with your cousin Pyx," said McSpade. "I don't suppose you could go and get her for us, could you?"

Twilight's eyes narrowed.

"What's this about?" she repeated.

"Could you please just get your cousin for us?" said Friday, ignoring her questions.

"...Pyx is grounded," said Twilight after a moment. "I don't think it's a good idea for her to speak with you tonight. Come back another time."

She began to close the door, but Friday quickly stuck his hoof inside.

"Could you please just go get her?" he asked.

"We know she's home," McSpade added. "She wasn't at the festival."

"Yeah," said Friday. "How many more places could she be? That is, unless she's out in the Everfree Forest committing another murder."

That did it. Twilight's horn flared, and suddenly, to his great surprise, Pony-Joe Friday found himself teleported back a few feet. Before he could react, Twilight had slammed and bolted the door.

"What did you go and say a thing like that for?" snapped McSpade. "Now she's never gonna let us inside to see the kid!"

"She doesn't have to," said Friday. "Look!"

He pointed at the open basement window with a hoof. McSpade curiously went over to it, poked his head inside and drew a breath, then pulled out again.

"What did you see?" asked Friday. "She down there?"

McSpade shook his head.

"I don't think so," he said. "In fact, I don't think she's here at all."

"So if she's not here, and she's not at the school play..."

They both turned to face each other, an expression of unutterable horror on both of their faces.

"By Celestia's mane, she's going to kill again!" cried Friday.

"Does her blood-lust know no end?"

"Come on! We don't know who her next victim will be, but we know where she's going!"

"Wait, we do?"

"Of course! Think, McSpade: where did the last murder take place?"

"Uh...the Everfree Forest?"

"Right, but where in the Everfree Forest?"

McSpade thought about it for a moment.

"That clearing, with the old altar," he said.

"Right," confirmed Friday. "The altar to Nightmare Moon."

McSpade groaned.

"For Celestia's sake, Friday, now is not the time--"

"Listen," snapped Friday. "Either I'm wrong and it's all horsefeathers, or I'm right, and that filly is about to drag another of her classmates off to be sacrificed to a pagan god. Do you really want to take that risk?"

McSpade swallowed, and shook his head.

"No, I suppose you've got a point. And your instincts have been right before. Alright, let's go. Meanwhile, I'll put out an A.P.B. in case she's still in town somewhere."

"We're private detectives, McSpade. We can't do that."

"Oh, right. Well, let's just go then."

And the two of them galloped off into the woods.

Snips and Snails bowed. A few ponies in the crowd applauded politely, but most of them were fidgeting and looking bored.

"When is the play supposed to start?" one mare whispered.

Oblivious to the crowd's indifference, Snips and Snails proceeded with the last bit of their magic act.

"And now, for our final trick!" said Snips. Several ponies breathed an audible sigh of relief at the word 'final.' "My assistant Snails will make this daikon radish...disappear!"

Snails somehow managed to unhinge his jaw, like a snake. Slowly, inch by inch, Snips was able to push an enormous daikon radish down his friend's throat. The horrible gagging sound was indescribable but...somehow...it just...kept...going. Deeper and deeper and deeper. The crowd watched in slack-jawed amazement. Cheerilee stood backstage, an anguished hoof pressed against her forehead. This act was even worse the second time around. She didn't want to watch, and yet she couldn't look away.

Suddenly, there came a commotion as two fillies galloped into the backstage area.

"Miss Cheerilee!" cried Sweetie Belle, panting and nearly out of breath. "I found Pyx!"

"Nii...*huff*...pah..." said Pyx.

"Oh, thank Celestia," muttered the teacher. "Alright, Pyx, hurry up and get into costume! I'll get Snips and Snails off the stage!"

"Nononononononononoooo....." Twilight muttered to herself as she galloped along the road. She was still half-drunk, and several times she almost broke her leg on the uneven road, but she kept pressing forward.

Immediately after she'd thrown the detectives out, she'd gone downstairs to check on Pyx. She'd assumed the filly would still be mad at her, but she could no longer afford to be patient; she needed to hide her somewhere. However, when she'd seen the empty basement and the open window, she'd realized what had happened.

"I'm going to kill Spike when I get hold of him..." she muttered.

She knew that there was only one place that Pyx could have run off to. If the filly wound up playing Nightmare Moon in front of the Princesses that would be bad enough, but if those detectives found her first...she galloped faster and faster.

She came at last to the park. A stage had been constructed in the center of the grassy space, complete with a curtain and backstage area, along with a few rows of wooden benches for ponies to sit on. Up on stage, a pair of colts appeared to be engaged in some kind of weird erotic performance art. Twilight had seen that sort of thing often enough in Canterlot, but it was a bit avant-garde for Ponyville. Briefly she wondered what Cheerilee had been thinking. Then, she realized that she had more important things to worry about. She had to find Pyx!

She took off at a gallop once again, but before she was halfway to the stage, a towering white mare suddenly blocked her path.

"Twilight, my student!" cried Princess Celestia, gracefully pulling her into an embrace as they collided. "It feels like it's been ages!"

"Oh...*pant*...Princess...*pant*...Celestia..." wheezed Twilight. "I'm...uh..."

"Salutations, Twilight," came a second voice. Twilight turned and saw Celestia's sister, Princess Luna, approaching them from the other side.

"Hi....*pant*.....Princess Luna......*pant*......"

"Come, Twilight," said Celestia, wrapping an enormous wing around the smaller unicorn and ushering her into the seating area. Luna fell into step on the other side. "You can sit with us. I would love to hear how your lessons in Ponyville have been going. You never write anymore!"

Twilight looked anxiously over her shoulder towards the stage. She needed to find a way to get back there, but she couldn't risk being rude to the Princess. Helplessly, she allowed herself to be led back to the royal seating area, in a special raised pavilion that stood behind the benches.

"We understand that you have a cousin staying with you of late," said Luna, sitting down on Twilight's right.

Celestia sat down to her left.

"I must confess, I did not know that you had a cousin," continued Luna. "My Royal Sister and I are both very much looking forward to meeting her."

Twilight forced a weak smile. One of her eyes was starting to twitch. Celestia's brow furrowed in concern.

"Er, Twilight," she whispered. "You seem a bit...distracted. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, everything's just swell, Princess!" said Twilight, a little too enthusiastically. Celestia noticed that her student's mane was in disarray and she was sweating profusely. Her furrow deepened.

"I'll...get you a pinot grigio," she said, and raised a hoof to summon a nearby drink vendor.

"We'd heard a rumor that your cousin is the author of this play, as well as the star!" said Luna pleasantly. "She sounds like quite a talented filly!"

"Oh...she's a little ray of sunshine all right!" said Twilight. "I mean, uh, a ray of moonshine! Or...uh..."

As she stammered, a folded piece of paper floated in front of Twilight's face, held in the dark blue light of Luna's aura. Twilight took it in her own and unfolded it.

It was a play program:

The Captured Shadow
A Play in Three Acts
by
Pyx Trebuchet

Starring:
Pyx Trebuchet as Pyx Trebuchet

Sweetie Belle as The Lady Pilkington
Apple Bloom as The Duchess of Windsor
Scootaloo as The Gentleman Caller

Also Appearing:
Lemon Pledge as Chimney Sweep #4
Widdershins as King Henry VIII
Plum Tuckered as Oda Nobunaga
Flying Tart as Cobra Commander
Twisted Sister as The Debutante
Littlepip as Astaroth the Destroyer

Written By:
Pyx Trebuchet & Apple Bloom

Original Score By:
Pyx Trebuchet & Gil Evans

Set Design:
Pyx Trebuchet & Scootaloo

Costumes:
Pyx Trebuchet & Sweetie Belle
(courtesy of Rarity's Carousel Boutique, located in the heart of Downtown Ponyville in the Garment District, come on down for the hottest new fashions at low low prices)

Craft Services:
Pyx Trebuchet & Basil Duke Lee

Executive Producers:
The Cutie Mark Crusaders

"Wow, Pyx really put a lot of work into this," muttered Twilight to herself.

"What was that, Twilight?" asked Celestia.

"Um, well..." began Twilight.

As luck would have it, at that moment Cheerilee stepped out onto the stage and asked for silence, and Twilight was at least spared from answering any more questions. After the teacher's brief introduction, the curtain was pulled back.

The stage lights came on, illuminating a crudely-drawn cardboard set. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, wearing ostentatious-looking dresses decorated with sequins and sparkles, trotted out. Sweetie Belle entered from the opposite side of the stage, and they drew to a halt.

"Hence!" said Sweetie Belle, glancing nervously at the audience. "Uh, home, you idle creatures, get you home desu! Is this...um...a holiday? What, know you not, being...uh..."

She trailed off, glanced at the audience again, and then looked helplessly at her two friends.

"Bein' mechanical," whispered Apple Bloom.

"Oh, right," said Sweetie Belle. "Being mechanical, you ought not walk upon a laboring day without...without the sign of your profession desu? Speak...uh...what trade art thou?"

"Why, sir, a carpenter!" said Scootaloo, a little too loudly. "Tutturu~~!"

Twilight glanced over at Celestia, who was watching with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Your cousin wrote this?" she whispered.

"Um......yes?"

"It's...interesting," said the Princess.

Twilight smiled weakly and turned back toward the stage. Where the hell was that pinot grigio, anyway?

Four hours later, the crowd sat in rapt attention, watching the scene play out on stage.

"Keep away from me!!" cried Scootaloo. "I don't believe in you anymore desu!!"

A shot rang out, accompanied by a small pyrotechnic effect. The audience jumped. Scootaloo fell on her back, her tongue lolling out.

"But I've got the bullets!!" screamed Pyx. "The gun was empty desu!!!"

She broke down, sobbing over Scootaloo's dead deceased corpse.

"W-what did you have to do that for?" she said between sobs. "Tut-tutturu~~!"

Apple Bloom came running in from stage left. She almost tripped over the hem of her dress, and then stood defensively before Pyx and the fallen Scootaloo.

"Leave her alone!" she cried, blocking the advance of a group of fillies dressed as police officers. "She's mine! I'll take care o'her! Nee-pah!"

"It's all right!" said Sweetie Belle, motioning the officers back. "It's all right desu!"

Apple Bloom knelt down next to Pyx.

"You couldn't help it, Pyx," she said. "You did everythin' a trebuchet could do. Nee-pah."

"Nipah," said Pyx quietly.

Apple Bloom put a reassuring hoof on her shoulder, and the two of them rose.

"Stand up, Pyx. I'll stand up with ya. Let me try to be as strong as you want me to be, desu."

Pyx wiped the tears from her eyes. For just a moment, the glasses slipped off her muzzle, and she quickly pushed them back up again. She looked sadly down at Scootaloo.

"She depended on me desu," she said.

"And you can depend on me desu," said Apple Bloom. "Trust me. Whatever comes, we'll face it together, I swear. Nee-pah!"

Pyx smiled bravely.

"Tutturu~~!" she said.

"Toot-a-roo, Pyx," said Apple Bloom, smiling back. "Toot-a-roo."

They embraced, and the curtain fell. The audience erupted into thunderous applause.

Twilight Sparkle looked back and forth between the two Princesses, both of whom were in tears and applauding hysterically.

"Bravo!" cried Celestia, clapping her hooves together and whistling. "BRAVO!!!"

Twilight heaved a sigh of relief.

Chapter Thirteen: Clair de Lune

"Way to go, Pyx!"

"You're the best desu!"

"That was awesome!!"

"NIPAH!!!"

Pyx sat on her haunches, smiling nervously as her classmates crowded around her, praising her to the heavens. She was a little relieved when Cheerilee finally approached, shooing them all away.

"That was just wonderful!" the teacher beamed. "I had no idea you were this creative, Pyx!"

Pyx smiled wearily. She was exhausted, but she felt wonderful. Everything had gone perfectly.

"Tutturu~~!" she said.

"Where did you get the idea for that story?" asked Lemon Pledge, the little yellow pegasus filly who had played Chimney Sweep #4.

"From one of my Mommy's books desu!" beamed Pyx.

"What was the book called?"

"Yes, what was that book called?" came a familiar voice.

Pyx wheeled around. In an instant, all of the exhilaration drained out of her, and a knot formed in her stomach. In the doorway of the little backstage room stood her mother.

"M-mommy..." began Pyx nervously.

However, she soon realized that her fear was unwarranted. Instead of chastising her, Twilight ran up and embraced her.

"Your play was great, Pyx," she whispered into her ear, hugging her tight. Pyx hesitated a moment, and then hugged her back.

"I'm sorry I escaped from the basement, Mommy," she whispered.

"That's okay, Pyx," said Twilight. "I'm sorry I locked you down there this time. I was wrong to do that on this one specific occasion. I guess we were both being a little bit silly. And as it turned out, I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Your play wasn't even about Nightmare Moon!"

"Who's Nightmare Moon?" asked Pyx.

"Nopony, Pyx," whispered Twilight, hugging her as tight as she could. "Nopony at all."

Twilight released her, and sat back on her haunches.

"But I have to ask: what book of mine was your play based on?"

"Oh, right," said Pyx. She went to the corner where she'd left her saddlebag, and rummaged around inside. A moment later, she held up a book in her horn aura.

"Tutturu~~!" she said.

Twilight took it from her and read the title out loud:

"Autumn's Estrus, by Rod Hardhoof."

Her face turned a deep shade of red.

"Where did you get this?!?" she demanded.

Pyx looked taken aback.

"I found it in the library desu!" she said. "I...I didn't think you'd mind if I took it, since it was stuffed all the way back behind the other books on the shelf!"

"Miss Cheerilee said there was a lot of stuff in that book that we couldn't put in the play," added Sweetie Belle. "So we had to change the story a lot. That's probably why you didn't recognize it."

Twilight's face reddened further. She wheeled around to glare at Spike, who was also there for some reason.

"Spike!" she cried. "You told me it was The Elements of Harmony that she borrowed!"

Spike smirked, his arms folded across his chest.

"Sorry," he said. "Guess I made a mistake."

"You don't sound very sorry."

"Alright, fine; I did it to mess with you."

"Why in the wide wide world of Equestria would you do something like that?!"

Spike shrugged again.

"Serves you right for making me wear that stupid teddy bear costume in front of Rarity. We're still not even for that, by the way."

Twilight ground her teeth.

"Then where exactly did my copy of Elements of Harmony go?!?" she demanded.

"Uh, wasn't it in your bookbag?" asked Spike. "You know, the one you left in the Everfree Forest that night and then forgot to go back for?"

Twilight groaned, and began smacking her face repeatedly against the floor.

"Excuse us, Miss Sparkle?"

At the sound of the new voice, everypony stopped what they were doing and turned to face the intruder. The two detectives from before stepped into the room. Twilight moved defensively in front of Pyx.

"What do you two want?" she demanded.

McSpade glanced briefly at Friday, and then cleared his throat.

"We just wanted to stop by and let you know that your...eh...cousin...is no longer a pony of interest."

Twilight blinked.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes," replied McSpade. "A suspect has been arrested for the murders of Miss Diamond Tiara and Miss Silver Spoon."

"Really?" asked Twilight again. "That's...wonderful...I guess. Who did you arrest?"

"We don't make arrests, ma'am, we're private detectives," said Friday. "However, we went to the Everfree Forest earlier this evening to...eh...follow up on a lead. When we got there, the horse-police were in the process of apprehending the suspect."

"Well, who did they arrest?" asked Cheerilee.

"Steven Magnet," said Friday.

"Steven Magnet?" repeated Twilight. She looked at Cheerilee, who shrugged.

"Yes. Steven Magnet. He's a big purple sea serpent who lives in a cave by the river. Really annoying; always going on about his mustache."

"I...think I remember him," said Twilight.

"Horse-police searched his cave and discovered a pineapple that was linked to the murder," said McSpade. "The suspect confirmed that the pineapple belonged to him, although he claims it had been stolen on the night the murder took place. However, we can't confirm his alibi. Our theory is that he snuck up behind the fillies and bashed them both over the head with rocks, repeatedly and with enough force to detach their retinas. As they stumbled around blind and disoriented, he proceeded to stab them over and over with a sharpened stick--"

"Well, we can't thank you enough for the work you've done," interrupted Cheerilee quickly, glancing at the group of wide-eyed foals around them. "We're just happy that we can all put this horrible business behind us. Isn't that right, class?"

The foals all looked at each other and nodded slowly.

Friday and McSpade tipped their fedoras.

"It's all in a day's work, ma'am," said Friday.

"Be sure to give us a call if you ever need anything investigated," said McSpade, passing her a card. "Our rates are very reasonable."

And with that, the two of them turned around and left.

Twilight and Cheerilee exchanged a look. Cheerilee cleared her throat.

"Well," she said. "It sure has been an eventful day!"

"You can say that again!" said Twilight, and everypony laughed. "Hey, I've got an idea! What do you say we all go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes? My treat!"

"Tutturu~~!" cheered the foals and Cheerilee in unison.

The moon was hanging high in the sky. Twilight, Pyx and Spike walked slowly and comfortably home, their bellies stuffed with frosty chocolate milkshakes.

"Ugh," groaned Spike. "My belly hurts..."

Twilight giggled.

"That's because it's stuffed with frosty chocolate milkshakes!" she said pleasantly.

"Uggghh..." groaned Spike again. "I'll never eat frosty chocolate milkshakes again......"

"A likely story!" chirped Twilight.

Pyx trotted behind them, enjoying their banter. Truth be told, her belly also hurt due to being stuffed with frosty chocolate milkshakes. However, she didn't mind. She didn't mind at all.

She took a deep breath and looked around. It was a warm, pleasant, beautiful night in early summer. The sky was a canopy of dazzling stars; the air smelled of lilac and honeysuckle and jasmine. A few lingering fireflies still floated lazily in the darkness.

Pyx was happy to be alive. For the first time since that night in the woods, the one she couldn't remember, she felt that everything was going to be okay.

They rounded the corner. Pyx could see the tree library at the end of the street. She squinted. It was dark, but it looked like there was some kind of chariot parked out front. She wondered who it belonged to.

Suddenly, Twilight stopped dead in her tracks, her entire body stiff. Pyx looked up at her. It seemed that she had noticed the chariot as well.

"Mommy?" she asked. Twilight didn't answer, but she and Spike exchanged a long, uncomfortable look.

"...maybe she just wants to chat?" offered Spike.

"I sure hope so," murmured Twilight. She didn't sound very hopeful.

"Well, we'd better go see what she wants, anyway," said Spike. "You don't want to keep her waiting."

"Yeah..."

The three of them approached the library, slowly and with trepidation. As they drew nearer, Pyx saw that a light on the first floor was on; somepony had just let themselves in.

Twilight took a deep breath, muttered a brief prayer to some long-forgotten Ponish god, and pushed open the door. Princess Celestia was seated in Spike's easy chair, a cup of tea floating on a saucer in front of her.

"Good evening, Twilight," she said. "I hope you don't mind that I let myself in."

Twilight tried to force a smile. She overshot it by a wide margin, and wound up with a huge, idiotic grin plastered across her face.

"No, not at all!" she cried, a note of hysteria in her voice.

The Princess smiled gracefully, and gestured toward the chair across from her.

"I'm glad," she said. "Please, sit down. We need to talk."

At Celestia's insistence, Twilight had sent Pyx upstairs to bed. She knew the inquisitive filly would be lurking near the top of the stairs, eavesdropping on everything they said, but there was little she could do about that. Meanwhile, she had sent Spike into the kitchen to put a pot of coffee on. For once, he had donned his apron without being asked. Twilight sat in the easy chair across from the Princess, her nerves completely shot. She hoped Spike would have enough sense to put a little something "extra" in her coffee.

"Twilight..." began Princess Celestia. She sighed. "I suppose you know what this is about."

Twilight thought about playing dumb. A million answers to her teacher's question flashed through her mind in rapid succession, each more idiotic than the last. Finally though, she gave up. It was no use lying to the Princess; by the sound of it, she already knew everything.

"It's about Pyx?"

"That's right."

The Princess took a sip of tea.

"Twilight," she said. "There's no sense in beating around the bush. I can sympathize with your...situation."

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"You...can?"

"Of course. We're both mares here. We've all had that...impulse...from time to time."

"Impulse?"

"Oh, yes. You know, the urge. The desire to...*ahem*...procreate. To have a foal of your own."

Twilight reddened a little. This conversation had been bad enough when it was just Rarity; with Celestia it was downright humiliating. She hadn't been this uncomfortable since her mother had given her the "mares and stallions" talk all those years ago.

The Princess took another sip of tea. She didn't look as though she were enjoying this any more than Twilight was. She cleared her throat again.

"It's perfectly natural," she went on. "However, there are...certain rules that must be followed. I'm sure you remember that incident with Rainbow Dash last year..."

"Princess," interjected Twilight. "I can assure you, this is nothing like what happened with Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. Pyx is--"

"--not your cousin," the Princess finished calmly.

Twilight's face fell. Her ears drooped.

"Right," she said. "She's not my cousin."

"You can't possibly have thought that I wouldn't find this out eventually?"

"No," said Twilight flatly.

"I mean, it's such a simple thing to check," continued the Princess. "The Hall of Records is literally only a few doors down from my private apartments..."

"I know."

"...and I've known your family for generations, after all..."

"I know."

"...I mean, if you had simply come to me from the beginning, this matter would have been so much simpler to handle."

"I kn--wait, what?"

Celestia took another sip of tea.

"It's exactly as I said, Twilight," she went on calmly. "We've all had that impulse from time to time. That 'Mommy' impulse. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Why, I've 'adopted' a few stray fillies myself over the centuries. Of course, eventually I realized that it was much simpler to just open a school and...well, you know the rest I'm sure. But then again, I'm the Princess; I can pretty much do whatever I want. In your situation...I think what you did makes sense enough."

Twilight blinked several times in succession.

"So...wait a minute. You're...not mad about this?"

"Of course not. As I keep saying, we've all had those impulses. It just...would have been much simpler if you'd come to me first."

"I just figured...well, you know...like you said; that thing with Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo..."

"That was different," Celestia explained. "Scootaloo isn't an orphan."

"Wait, she's not?"

"No, she has parents."

"Really?"

"Yes. Their names are..." she quickly consulted a small memorandum book. "Snap Shutter and......Mane Allgood."

"Wow," said Twilight. "I had no idea."

"Yes, those are her parents. Of course, they're not very good parents; in fact, between you and me her entire family is quite terrible, but...they technically exist."

"Oh."

"So as you can see, Rainbow Dash's attempted...adoption...proved to be a bit of a legal snafu."

"I...see. And Pyx?"

"As far as I can tell, there is no record of Pyx even existing."

Twilight's expression brightened.

"So that means I can adopt her?"

Celestia sighed.

"It's as I said. I wish you had come to me about this sooner."

"What...does that mean?"

"The matter is more complicated now. Perhaps I had better let somepony else explain. Bastion, would you come in here please?"

The front door opened, and an arrogant-looking unicorn wearing a shirt and tie stepped into the room.

"Twilight," said Celestia. "This is Bastion Yorsets. He's a professor at my school for gifted unicorns."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Miss Sparkle," said the unicorn, bowing.

"Wait a minute," said Twilight. "Your name is what?"

"Bastion Yorsets, madam."

"Bastion Yorsets?"

"Correct."

"Wait, is that your real name, or...?"

"It's the name I go by, madam."

"So...let me get this straight. When you were born, and your parents were sitting around thinking up names, they both agreed that Bastion Yorsets was the perfect--"

Bastion Yorsets cleared his throat, looking annoyed.

"Er, Twilight," said Princess Celestia. "Perhaps you should just listen to what Bastion Yorsets has to say."

"I'm sorry, Princess," said Twilight. "It's just, holy jeez. If I had a name like Bastion Yorsets, I would probably--"

"*AHEM*."

Yorsets looked even more annoyed.

"I'm sorry, Mr...eh...Yorsets," said Twilight. "That was rude of me. Please, go right ahead."

"Very good, madam," he said. "Now then. Do you recall an incident roughly two months ago, when you were abducted by a coven of arcane sorcerers?"

"I remember waking up with a splitting headache and rope burns on all four of my legs," replied Twilight, a little testily. "Beyond that, the evening really wasn't all that memorable."

"Well," Yorsets went on, "Be that as it may, the group that abducted you was actually a nefarious occult circle known as the Order of the New Moon. I won't go into the details, but we believe that the spell that this Order...involved you in...was intended to call forth...an entity. Something not of this world."

Twilight gasped. She turned to Celestia.

"Does this have something to do with..." she glanced up at Pyx, who was peeking down at them from the sleeping loft. She leaned forward and whispered: "Nightmare Moon?"

Celestia looked puzzled.

"Eh...Nightmare Moon?"

She turned to Yorsets, who only shrugged. Twilight looked back and forth between them. Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore, and just blurted it out:

"Haven't you noticed that Pyx looks an awful lot like Nightmare Moon?"

Celestia peered up at the sleeping loft. Pyx immediately ducked down out of sight, but Celestia's aura seized her and levitated her into the air. She floated the filly down and examined her. She turned her around from side to side, looking at her from all angles. She removed the glasses and examined her eyes. She put the glasses back on her. She examined the racing stripe in her mane, making a quick calculation of how fast she could probably go. Then, she returned her to the loft, patted her on the head, turned to Twilight, and shrugged.

"I'm sorry, Twilight, I just don't see it," she said.

Twilight rapidly shook the cobwebs out of her head.

"Look, forget I even mentioned it," she said. She turned back to Yorsets. "Alright, so if this isn't about Nightmare Moon, then what is this about?"

"Well, madam--"

"Is this about what happened in the Everfree Forest?"

Celestia raised an eyebrow.

"The forest?" she asked. "You mean...when the cult abducted you?"

"No!" cried Twilight. "I mean, the thing with Pyx, what the detectives were here about!"

Yorsets and Celestia exchanged a puzzled look.

"Detectives, madam?" asked Yorsets.

"Yes! Those two guys; I forget their names. Friday, and...Saturday...or something like that."

"They were detectives?" inquired Celestia. "And they were investigating Pyx?"

"Yes! Well, I mean, they were, but then they arrested Steven Magnet..."

"Ah yes, I'd heard that Steven Magnet had been arrested," said Celestia. "I was quite relieved to hear of it. I think we'll all sleep easier knowing that he is behind bars!"

"I hope they hang the bastard!" said Yorsets forcefully.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

"So you don't think that Pyx murdered Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?"

Yorsets and Celestia exchanged another puzzled look.

"Wait, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were murdered?" asked the Princess.

Twilight made an exasperated noise in the back of her throat, and shook her head again.

"Look, forget about that part too. It's just that--"

"I say, madam," Yorsets cut in. "This is not nearly as complicated a matter as you're making it. You see, we believe that this filly, the one you call Pyx, is actually demon-spawn that was summoned from an alternate dimension to fulfill some nefarious purpose."

"Wait, what?!?"

"We'd like to take her away for a few days," explained Celestia. "We'll perform some experiments on her, and see if we can ascertain whether or not she's dangerous."

"What kind of experiments?!?" demanded Twilight.

"Oh...the regular kind," said Celestia vaguely. "In any event, if she survives...er...that is to say, if we can determine that she is not a threat to Equestria, we will return her to you relatively unharmed."

Before Twilight could object, Celestia's horn fired up again, and Pyx was once again floated down from the loft, her little legs flailing as she tried in vain to run away. Bastion Yorsets stepped outside for a moment, and returned with a wheeled cage. Celestia placed the squirming filly inside, and Yorsets closed the door and set the bolt in place.

"Mommy! Help me desu!!" cried Pyx.

"PYX!" cried Twilight. She turned to Celestia, her eyes pleading.

"Please, Princess," she begged. "You can't do this!"

Celestia rolled her eyes.

"Oh, Twilight, please stop being so dramatic," she said. "It's only for a couple of days."

"But...Princess..." cried Twilight. "What if...what if I never see her again...?"

"Then I'll take you down to the pound, and you can pick out a new orphan," Celestia assured her. "I promise!"

The front door swung open, and Yorsets began wheeling the cage out of the room.

"MOMMY!!!!"

Pyx pressed her little face against the bars of the cage.

"PYX!!!"

Twilight bolted for the cage, her horn aglow, but Celestia caught her in a force field.

"Now now, Twilight, none of that please," she said.

"PYYYYYYX!!!" cried Twilight, pressing against the translucent wall of the force field, her eyes brimming with tears.

"MOMMEEEEEEE!!" screamed Pyx. Her little horn sparked as she tried to teleport over and over, but the cage had a spell on it or something probably, so she just kept disappearing and reappearing in the same place.

"Hey there ladies, I've got your coffee all ready--"

Spike entered the room in his frilly apron, holding a silver tray. His eyes darted around as he took in the scene.

"Uh, never mind," he said. "I'll just come back later..."

He turned and scuttled quickly back into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Yorsets had finished loading the cage onto Celestia's chariot.

"We're all ready to go, Princess," he said.

"Go ahead, Bastion," said Celestia. "I'll be out in just a moment."

"MOMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" wailed Pyx.

"PYYYYYYYYYYYYYX!!!!!" howled Twilight.

The front door slammed shut, and Twilight could no longer see Pyx, but she could still hear her cries of anguish coming from outside. Tears of unfathomable sadness flowed from her eyeballs, like twin waterfalls in the rain.

"...*sniff*...Princess...how could you do this...?" she sobbed. "....*sniff*....Pyx...never hurt a soul...except for Peewee I guess......and those two fillies maybe....."

Princess Celestia cleared her throat uncomfortably.

"Er, Twilight," she began. "This may not be the best time to bring this up, but you borrowed some books from the Canterlot Royal Library a few weeks ago, and...they were never returned..."

Chapter Fourteen: So Much for Pathos

Pyx sat in her dark little cell, feeling lower than a bow-legged caterpillar. There was little to do in here except stare at the walls, so that is what she did. Then, suddenly:

Kill them, Pyx!

She sat bolt upright. This was the first time the voice had spoken since that night in the woods, the night she couldn't remember. The voice that sounded like Mommy's sometimes, and sometimes like somepony different.

"Why do you keep saying that?" she asked aloud. "Who are you? Who exactly do you want me to kill anyway, desu?"

All of them, Pyx! They've all betrayed you! Kill them all!

"That...that's not true!"

Oh really? Name one pony who hasn't betrayed you.

Pyx thought about it for a second.

"I don't think anypony has betrayed me, actually."

Oh come on. If nopony had betrayed you, why are you sitting in this dungeon?

"I'm not really sure desu, but I assume it's for my own good."

What could possibly have led you to that conclusion?

"Well, that's what Mommy always says when she locks me in the basement, so I assume this must be something similar. Nipah."

You see? That just proves that Mommy betrayed you!

"M-mommy didn't betray me!"

Oh come on! She did the exact opposite of not betray you!

"You mean, betray me?"

Yes, that.

"Yeah, well, I guess she did kind of betray me now that I think about it. I'll give you that one, desu. What about my friends, though?"

What friends? You don't have any friends! They all hate you!

"Th-that's not true at all desu! I have lots and lots of friends!"

They aren't really your friends, though. They all laugh at you!

"That's not true! Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, they made me a full-fledged member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! They gave me a cape and everything! Tutturu~~!"

Yes, but they all totally laugh at you behind your back. They think your glasses look stupid and your racing stripe looks stupid and your leopard print vest looks stupid and your headband looks stupid and your green mane looks stupid. I heard them all talking about it.

"They wouldn't say that!"

Yes they would, I totally heard them.

"Nuh-uh!"

Yeah-huh! Sweetie Belle thinks you're a lame Mary Sue OC, and I'm pretty sure I heard Scootaloo call you Poochie a couple of times. And Apple Bloom steals pencils out of your desk when you're not looking.

"Why would they give me a cape if they hated me that much?"

Because they felt sorry for you, probably. Also, they were originally going to give that cape to Twist, they just didn't because she sucks even worse than you do!

Pyx thought about it.

"Yeah, she does kind of suck I guess..."

See? There you have it. Now, stop arguing with me and kill them all, Pyx!

"I can't help but feel like you're trying to pressure me into this desu..."

Oh, come on, Pyx! Don't you remember that night in the woods? Remember how much fun we had together?

A veil inside Pyx's mind was suddenly lifted, and a flood of memories assaulted her. She remembered Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and how angry she'd been at them for lying to her, and ditching her in the woods, and making her eat bugs and pine cones and for making her stick her head into a hive of bees.

Yes, Pyx, that's it! Remember! Do you remember how they betrayed you, and how cruel they were to you?

"Y-yes, I remember desu..."

And do you remember what we did to them? Do you remember how good it felt to take our revenge?

"Yeah..."

Remember how we hit them with rocks, and stabbed them over and over again? Remember how we dumped them in the river, and then planted all the evidence in that Magnet guy's cave so he'd get blamed for it? Remember how annoying that guy was? Remember how we made fun of his stupid mustache and then ran away? Remember how we laughed and laughed?

"Yeah, that was pretty cool desu..."

And just think, Pyx, every day can be like that from now on, if you want!

"Yeah, that does sound pretty fun...but what about Mommy? And my friends? And Miss Cheerilee, and Spike-onii-chan, and Owlowiscious, and Scarecrow and Tin Man and all of my other pals desu?"

Oh, come on, Pyx! Weren't you listening? They all betrayed you!

"That still doesn't quite sound right..."

That's because you're overthinking it. And anyway, look around you, Pyx.

Pyx looked around her.

See how you're in a dungeon?

Pyx saw how she was in a dungeon.

You think 'Mommy Twilight' and 'Spike-onii-chan' and the 'Cutie Mark Crusaders' are going to come rescue you?

Pyx had to admit that she did not think they would.

Oh, then it sounds like I'm the only friend you have left then, doesn't it?

Try as she might, Pyx could not dispute the logic of this.

"W-well, what should I do desu?"

When the time comes, just let me take control. That's all you have to do.

Pyx thought about it. She didn't really see as how she had any better options at the moment.

"How will I know when it's time?"

Oh, don't you worry, Pyx. You'll know when it's time!

"Um.........okay. When the time comes, I'll let you take over. Nipah~~!"

Excellent!

The voice began to laugh. It wasn't a particularly nice laugh, but it was infectious. Pyx began to laugh too.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA~~!"

"So, uh, how's she doing?"

"Well, she was cackling maniacally in there a little while ago. That has to be a good sign, doesn't it?"

Evening Musk, Bastion Yorsets and Night Soil were standing around Musk's office, gazing into an arcane crystal ball that sat on his desk. The image in the crystal showed Pyx, sitting alone in her dungeon, conversing with some invisible presence.

"I don't know," said Musk, frowning. "Are you absolutely sure that you grabbed the right filly?"

He turned to Yorsets, who shrugged.

"This is the one that Soup Du Jour pointed out," he said. "The one that Twilight Sparkle adopted."

"Yeah, but..."

"But what?"

"Look at her!" cried Musk. "She looks nothing like our Queen!"

"Does so!" said Yorsets defensively.

"Oh, come on man! Do you remember Her Majesty Nightmare Moon ever having a racing stripe in her hair?"

"You can't prove that she didn't!"

"I can easily prove that she didn't!"

"Yeah, well...all it means is that she can go even faster now."

"She does look like she could go pretty fast..." mused Night Soil.

"You're darn tootin'!" agreed Bastion Yorsets.

"Oh, shut up, both of you!" snapped Evening Musk. He sighed heavily. "Well, I suppose it's no matter. You're absolutely certain that our Queen's personality is in there somewhere?"

"Oh, absolutely my Lord!" Yorsets assured him. "I've researched the matter thoroughly. Once we complete the ceremony, the Queen shall awaken, and the other personality, this...Pyx Trebuchet...will be utterly subsumed."

Evening Musk stroked his chin.

"Well, I suppose we won't know unless we try," he said finally. "All right, let's get this over with. Yorsets, you go and reserve a spell chamber for the afternoon. Night Soil, you summon the Princesses. I want them to have a front row seat for this. I will go and attend to..."

He glanced at the filly in the crystal ball. She now appeared to be dancing around in her cell, saying "nipah" and "tutturu" over and over again. He sighed.

"I will go and attend to Our Queen."

A few hours later, Pyx sat on a small pedestal in the center of a windowless domed chamber. An intricate hexagram pattern had been painted on the floor around her. On the opposite side of the room was a gallery, in which the Princesses Celestia and Luna were seated. Bastion Yorsets was putting the finishing touches on the outer rim of the hexagram, while Evening Musk stood near the pedestal, dressed in a ceremonial robe and practicing incantations under his breath. Night Soil stood off to the side, observing.

"So...er...you say this spell will help us reveal Pyx's true nature?" asked Celestia.

"Oh yes, my Princess!" Evening Musk assured her, smiling. "If there is any evil in this child, the spell will cause it to reveal itself immediately!"

Celestia studied the Ponish runes on the floor skeptically.

"I can't say I'm familiar with this spell," she admitted. She turned to Luna. "Are you, my Sister?"

Luna frowned.

"I have never seen it's like, Sister," she said. "Though something about it seems vaguely familiar..."

"Oh, your Majesties wouldn't recognize it; I wrote it myself!" said Bastion Yorsets hurriedly. "It's a custom spell, designed entirely for this purpose!"

Celestia frowned slightly, then shrugged.

"Well, you've proven yourself an adept spellcrafter, Bastion," she said. "I have nothing but faith in you."

Bastion Yorsets smiled obsequiously.

"Your Highness flatters me," he said. "Now then! Let us commence!"

Pyx sat on the pedestal, watching as Evening Musk chanted the incantations and conducted the ritual. The lines of the hexagram began to glow, and she felt a light buzzing sensation in the back of her skull.

Soon! the voice assured her.

She closed her eyes and let the power flow through her body.

"Noomy noomy!" cried Evening Musk, flailing his front hooves theatrically. "Roomy loomy noomy nammy noomy!"

The hexagram on the floor pulsed with a strange light, and then the spellform levitated off the ground, slowly revolving around the pedestal. Meanwhile, as the attentions of the two Princesses were focused on the spellform, Bastion Yorsets began quietly chanting a spell of his own.

Pyx could feel her body levitating off of the pedestal. She felt the same way she'd felt back at the ruined castle, when she'd stepped onto the dais. A strong power was running through her body like an electrical current, a power that felt as though it were her own and yet not her own.

SOON! whispered the voice again. It sounded...hungry. Pyx began to feel a sense of panic welling up inside of her. She felt like she was swimming against the current of a powerful river, fighting to keep her head above water. She felt a nagging fear that if she allowed herself to be sucked down below the surface, she would lose herself forever. She struggled, trying to speak, trying to regain control of her own movements, but found to her dismay that she could not.

"Bippity boppity," continued Evening Musk, chanting and waving his hooves. "Flibbidy bibbidy...zippity zoppity...zoopity boopity..."

Musk's horn now glowed with an eerie purple light, which he seemed to be channeling from some unseen source. It flowed out from his body and fed the spellform, which had now taken on the same color.

As the spellform grew, Pyx could feel the voice inside herself growing stronger. She felt as if some alien presence were taking hold of her body. She struggled against it, but to her dismay found that she was growing weaker and weaker. She watched Evening Musk, chanting his infernal spell, and through some instinct knew that it was nearly complete. If he uttered the final words, she would be gone forever, and the voice would assume complete control. An instinct to survive took hold, and she put every last ounce of strength she had into moving her tongue.

"And now, O Queen," proclaimed Musk. "Hear these words and come forth!"

"Wait, what Queen?" interjected Celestia, alarmed.

Luna reacted more quickly, realizing suddenly that she knew this spell. It was something she remembered from long ago, something she had tried to forget. She quickly summoned a blast of energy, aiming it at the center of Musk's spellform, but discovered to her horror that something was blocking her power.

"Sister!" she called out. "You must stop this!"

Celestia had not yet fully grasped the situation, but the panic in her sister's voice stirred her to action. However, she discovered that her magic was blocked as well. Worse still, her body was paralyzed, and it was all she could do even to move her head. She saw Bastion standing off in the corner, a sly smile on his face, and realized too late what he had done.

"Bastion!" she cried. "How could you!"

Bastion Yorsets bowed mockingly.

"I am sorry, my Princess," he said. "But my loyalty is to the Queen!"

Musk had wheeled around to face the Princesses. He reared up on his hind legs, his forelegs extended toward the heavens, a triumphant smile on his face.

"Come forth, O Queen!" he cried. "With these sacred words, I bid thee to enter this world!!"

The spellform pulsed with a dazzling purple light. Pyx cried out, as if in pain. She gritted her teeth, and once again tried to gain control of her voice. If she could just force out one single word...

Evening Musk threw back his head and spoke the sacred incantation in a booming voice:

"KLAATU...BARADA..."

"NIPAAAAAAAH~~!" screamed Pyx suddenly.

There was a violent jolt. It shook everything in the room, including Evening Musk, who was thrown suddenly off balance and fell to the floor. A bright green light suddenly pulsed out of Pyx's body and down through the spellform. The purple light reacted, and suddenly the spell broke apart, the purple and green energies swirling violently about each other as if locked in mortal combat.

All of a sudden, there was a bright, blinding flash; an explosion which seemed to emanate from the center of the room. When it had dissipated, the filly was gone, and in her place was a pulsating ball of light, crackling with green and purple lightning.

The ball bounced rapidly around the room until it was nothing but a blur, and then suddenly it returned to the center. There came a great rending, a dreadful force which knocked all of the ponies in the room to the floor, destroying the pedestal and sending the chairs of the gallery and the Princesses in them flying.

When the blast had subsided, the room was eerily still. The two Princesses, still more or less immobilized but able to open their eyes at least, gazed in horror upon the thing that this foul magic had wrought.

In the center of the room, where the pedestal had been, stood a full-grown alicorn mare. Her coat was as black as coal, and her turquoise reptokitty eyes glowed with a malevolent power. Her mane was a vibrant shade of green, writhing about her head like serpents. A turquoise and purple racing stripe ran down the length of it, indicating that not only could she go really really fast, but also that she was really really evil. Celestia's stomach dropped to the ground. She realized that she knew this evil...and yet, there was also something unfamiliar about it. This was a whole new evil, completely unrelated to any previously trademarked evil.

The alicorn grinned, a wide, manic jack-o-lantern grin.

"BOO-YAAAAAAAH!!!" she cried. "BLACK SNOOTY'S BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!"

Chapter Fifteen: The Return of Black Snooty

Celestia stared coldly through the bars of her cell at the smug faces of her captors. Like her sister in the cell next to hers, she was shackled at the hooves, her horn capped with a powerful magic sealing ring.

Evening Musk watched her from the other side of the bars, a triumphant smile plastered across his face. Bastion Yorsets stood next to him. Both unicorns were now clad in the ceremonial robes of the Order of the New Moon.

"Are you comfortable, Celestia?" asked Musk in a mocking tone. "The shackles aren't too tight, are they?"

Celestia ignored him, and turned her attention to the other unicorn.

"Bastion Yorsets," she said. "How could you do this?"

Yorsets looked down, avoiding her gaze.

"I might have expected this from Angsty McFuckpants over there," she continued, tossing her head disdainfully at Musk. "He was always a bit of a wanker. But not you, Bastion. I always assumed you had more class than this."

Yorsets cleared his throat, but made no answer. Celestia continued to stare him down.

"I still remember the first day you came to my school for gifted unicorns," she went on. "And even though you asked to be called by that incredibly stupid name, I could still sense greatness in you. Today was the first time you've ever disappointed me."

She shook her head sadly.

"Look at you," she said. "The youngest tenured professor in the history of the academy. If you'd kept your nose to the grindstone, you'd have been head of the school a decade from now."

"Hey! How come he has tenure?!" Musk demanded suddenly. He turned accusingly to Bastion. "When did you get tenure?"

Bastion shrugged.

"I've had it for awhile now," he said.

Musk turned his angry gaze back on Celestia.

"Why does he have tenure?" he demanded again. "How come I don't have tenure? I've been here longer than he has!"

"You could have had tenure if you'd wanted it," replied Celestia. "You wanted that stupid broom closet for an office instead."

"Broom closet? You told me that room was Star Swirl the Bearded's observatory!"

"No, I told you it was the broom closet," said Celestia. "That stuff about Star Swirl the Bearded is just a stupid rumor the older students tell the first-years; only you would be dumb enough to still believe it. And in any case, you can forget about tenure and your broom closet now! When this silly little farce of yours has played itself out, you'll be lucky if you can get a job teaching beginning levitation at a Detrot public school!"

Musk snorted angrily. Yorsets shrugged.

"Well, I've got tenure, so I'm safe either way," he muttered. Musk glared at him.

"The two of you have no idea what you've unleashed!" came Princess Luna's voice from the next cell over.

Musk laughed haughtily.

"You, of all ponies, should know exactly what I've unleashed!" he said. "I've unleashed a power that you could have wielded yourself, if you'd had the courage! The power of Nightmare Moon!"

"Nightmare Moon?" she scoffed. "You honestly think that...thing you conjured up is Nightmare Moon? The two of you are not only fools, but blind fools!"

Now it was Luna's turn to laugh haughtily. Celestia joined in with a mirthless chuckle.

"Mark my words, Evening Musk, Bastion Yorsets," said Luna gravely. "The thing you have unleashed will be the death of you both."

The alicorn paced up and down the meeting hall at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, flexing her wings. She felt...strange. She was herself, and yet not herself. She could feel terrible power coursing through her, power the likes of which she'd never even imagined, along with an insatiable thirst for chaos and destruction.

She heard a door open behind her, and turned. It was that unicorn, Bastion Yorsets. The cruel one, who had locked her in a cage. The one to whom Mommy had betrayed her. Wait, was that how it had happened? And who exactly was "Mommy" anyway? She was finding it hard to think. The other unicorn, Evening Musk, emerged behind him. Both of them bowed obsequiously.

"What are your orders, my Queen?" asked Musk.

The alicorn blinked.

"My...orders?" she asked.

"Yes, O Queen!" cried Bastion Yorsets, prostrating himself on the ground before her. Musk, annoyed at having been one-upped, quickly did the same. "What terrible vengeance do you seek to unleash upon the world that has shunned you?"

"Vengeance?"

The alicorn shut her eyes. Everything in her mind was blurry. Discordant emotions and memories were swirling around inside her, clashing and fighting for her attention.

"Yes, O Queen!" cried Yorsets. "What are your orders? Simply speak and it shall be done!"

The alicorn looked confused. Her brow wrinkled in concentration, as if there were something she was trying to remember. Yorsets and Musk looked at each other uneasily.

"Er..." began Musk. "I don't mean to give offense, O my Queen, but...do you mind if we stop groveling now? It's a bit uncomfortable."

The alicorn blinked, as if she'd forgotten they were even in the room.

"What?" she said. "Yes, fine; I don't care. I never told you to grovel in the first place."

The two unicorns breathed a sigh of relief and rose to their hooves.

"Now then, O Queen," said Musk, shaking the dust from his robes. "If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you'd like to begin by lowering the sun and raising the moon?"

The alicorn glanced out the window.

"It's the middle of the afternoon," she said. "Why would I want to do that?"

The two unicorns glanced uneasily at each other again.

"Well, O Queen," began Yorsets. "We had assumed that you would wish to...continue your holy vengeance against your sister."

"My sister? Vengeance?"

"Yes, O Queen," said Musk. "Do you not wish to banish the sun and raise the moon forever, bathing all of Equestria in a great and terrible night?"

The alicorn raised an eyebrow. Her mind was still in a fog, and these two were beginning to feel like a pair of mosquitoes buzzing around her head. How she wished she could swat them!

"Why would I want to do that?" she snapped.

"Er...because you are angry, O Queen?" said Yorsets uneasily.

"And why am I angry?"

"Because...for too long the ponies have relished and played in the day that your elder sister brings forth, yet they sleep through and shun your beautiful night?"

"And what kind of a silly thing is that to be angry about?"

The two unicorns exchanged helpless looks. Yorsets shrugged.

"Well, O Queen, I just think that if you were to raise the moon, it would show all of Equestria that their true Queen has returned..."

The alicorn took a deep breath. She gathered the powers within her, ordering her mind to be quiet. The fog began to lift, and when she opened her eyes, she saw more clearly. She regarded the two sniveling worms before her with contempt.

"I don't know what you two are jabbering on about," she snapped, "But I will do no such thing. Raise the moon? Banish the sun? Create eternal night? That would cause freezing temperatures and play havoc with the tides! Why would I ever want to do something like that? That's a stupid idea. You're stupid."

The two unicorns instantly threw themselves to the floor and began groveling again.

"Forgive us, O Queen!" cried Yorsets.

"We were impertinent!" cried Musk.

The alicorn rolled her eyes.

"And stop that groveling! It's annoying."

The two of them scrambled back to their hooves.

"There, that's better."

An uncomfortable silence descended over the hall.

"So..." began Musk.

"So?" snapped the alicorn.

"Well," he continued, stepping forward on trembling hooves. "We've successfully imprisoned both Princesses in the dungeon beneath the school..."

"Yes? And?"

The alicorn glared at him.

"...and, well..." he stammered. "...well, you see..."

"Out with it, man!"

"Well, we've imprisoned Celestia and Luna."

"Yes, I know. You just told me."

"...and, they're the Princesses."

"I know this too."

"...and, well, it's a treasonable offense. You know, imprisoning the Princesses. They...uh...tend to frown on that."

"And?"

"...and so, we've committed treason in your name, O Queen."

"So? Did I tell you to imprison the Princesses?"

"Er, no my Queen, we had simply assumed..."

The alicorn took a deep breath. These two were incredibly irritating.

"What is your name, worm?" she demanded.

"Er, my name? It is Evening Musk, O Queen."

"Well then, Evening Musk, do you know what happens when you assume?"

"Er...no, my Queen. I regret that I do not."

"When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. Do you understand?"

Musk looked helplessly at Yorsets, who could only shrug again.

"Regrettably, O my Queen, I'm afraid I do not," said Musk.

The alicorn leered at him, a manic grin spread across her face. Musk shrank back involuntarily.

"When you assume," she hissed. "You make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Do. You. Understand?"

Musk was now cowering against the wall.

"I...I believe I do understand, O Queen."

Suddenly, the alicorn threw back her head and began to cackle insanely.

"Excellent!" she cried, still cackling. "Then we understand each other?"

Musk and Yorsets exchanged a terrified glance.

"Absolutely!" cried Musk.

"There can be no question!" cried Yorsets.

"Good," said the alicorn.

She crossed to the other side of the hall, and stood gazing out of the window. Her little bon mot had invigorated her, and her mood had improved considerably. She turned to face the two sniveling worms again.

"So," she began. "If I understand it correctly, you have imprisoned the two Princesses in my name."

"Yes, O my Queen!" cried Musk.

"It is as you say!" cried Yorsets.

"And in what name did you imprison her?"

They exchanged another glance.

"Why, in your name, of course!" said Musk.

"The one true Queen of Equestria!" said Yorsets.

"The Great and Terrible Nightmare Moon!" finished Musk.

The alicorn waved a hoof disdainfully.

"Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon," she said. "How tired I am of hearing that name! If I hear one more pony say Nightmare Moon I will snap his neck, and order him dressed in petticoats and hung from the battlements in a totally degrading pose! My name is Black Snooty! Do you hear me? BLACK SNOOTY!!"

She threw back her head and cackled maniacally, black lightning crackling around her horn. The two unicorns immediately threw themselves to the ground and began to grovel.

"Stop that!" she snapped. "Stop that groveling! You were warned about that!"

"We're sorry, O Queen!" they cried, rising to their hooves.

"That's better," she said. "Now then. Ready my chariot! I think it's time that the ponies of Ponyville heard the word of their new Queen!"

"Er...Ponyville, O Queen?" asked Yorsets tentatively.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather make your first proclamation in Canterlot? It is the capital after all..."

"SILENCE!!" she thundered. "Who is the evil queen here, me or you?"

"You are, of course, Your Majesty!"

"Then do as I command! Ready my chariot! We are going...TO PONYVILLE!!"

The citizens of Ponyville stood gathered in the town square, watching uneasily as the coal-black alicorn stood at the podium, ranting and raving and making bizarre demands. She was surrounded on all sides by her retinue, a group of ponies clad in strange black robes.

Scootaloo galloped through the crowd, weaving around the adult ponies, until she found her friends at the front near the stage.

"Hey, girls!" she said.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle glanced at her.

"Oh, hi Scootaloo!" said Sweetie Belle.

"What's going on?"

"Pyx turned into some kinda alicorn," explained Apple Bloom. "And she threw the Princesses in jail, and now she's takin' over Equestria!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Scootaloo.

The three of them leaned forward to hear what was going on.

"...and from this day forward, anypony who forces anypony else to eat a pine cone shall suffer a wrath most terrible, and she will be violated over and over with pineapples and coconuts and other assorted tropical fruits, and she shall be cast thence into the darkness, where there shall weeping and gnashing of teeth!!"

Pyx, or Black Snooty as we must now call her, slammed her hoof against the podium for emphasis. She glared out at her confused subjects, a manic expression in her eye.

"...and henceforth, this day, the day of my ascension, shall be known as a day of celebration! Every year, on this date, you will all don silly hats, and render sacrifices unto me..."

"Uh..." whispered Sweetie Belle. "Is it just me, or does Pyx sound a little crazy?"

"I think it's just her time of the month," whispered Apple Bloom. "She is an adult now, after all."

"Wait, is she an adult?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Well, I assumed so," said Apple Bloom, a puzzled expression on her face. "I mean, look at her!"

"Yeah, but she doesn't even have her cutie mark yet!" said Sweetie Belle. "Have you ever heard of somepony becoming an adult overnight without even getting her cutie mark first?"

"Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make much sense..." mused Apple Bloom.

"Oi! Scootaloo!"

An unfamiliar, heavily accented voice suddenly rang out from somewhere behind them. The three fillies turned around. A stallion and mare were slowly pushing their way through the crowd. Scootaloo's face lit up when she saw them.

The stallion, a thickly-built earth pony with a brown coat and dark purple mane, stepped forward and gave the little filly a hug.

"How are yeh, Scootaloo? How's moi favorite daughta?" he asked.

"Uh, I'm Sweetie Belle," said Sweetie Belle, pulling herself out from under the stallion's powerful foreleg. "Scootaloo's over there!"

"Oh, roight," said the stallion, looking at where she pointed. "Sorry about that, Scoot! Boy, yer shootin' up like a weed! I barely recognized yeh!"

"That's okay, Dad!" said Scootaloo, running up and hugging the stallion.

The mare, a lanky, peach-colored pegasus with a blond mane, stepped up and hugged Scootaloo as well.

"We're Scootaloo's parents," she explained to the other two fillies. "My name is Mane Allgood, and this is my husband Snap Shutter. We've just returned from an expedition in the Forbidden Jungle."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle exchanged a confused look.

"Cool!" said Scootaloo enthusiastically. "So, uh, are you guys home for good now?"

Snap Shutter reached down and rumpled her mane.

"Nah," he said. "We jes came back to get some supplies and take care of some business in town. We gotta head back out tomorrah!"

"Oh." Scootaloo's face fell.

"So anyway," he said. "How's the old house holdin' up? You didn't burn it down or anything did yeh, yeh little rapscallion?"

Scootaloo's gaze dropped to the ground.

"Uh, the bank foreclosed on it, actually," she said. "I live in a cardboard box in the park now."

"Oh, crikey!" exclaimed Snap. "Sorry about that, Scoot! Guess we forgot to make a couple of payments, eh?"

"I told you to mail those checks!" said Mane. The two of them laughed.

"So, eh, how's your cardboard box holdin' up then, sweetheart?" asked Snap Shutter.

"Well, actually, it has a hole in the roof..."

"Oh. Well, you can patch that roight up with some Flex Seal™!"

"Maybe...you could show me how to do it...?" asked Scoot hopefully.

"Sure, squirt," said Snap Shutter, ruffling her mane again. "We can prolly take care o'that as soon as we......ay, who's that kooky sheila up there, anyway?"

He pointed to the stage, where the alicorn continued to rant and rave.

"That's our friend Pyx," explained Sweetie Belle. "Only she's calling herself Black Snooty now. I guess she's the new Queen of Equestria or something."

They all paused for a moment, listening to Black Snooty's speech:

"...and for all of these reasons, from this day forward, tacos shall be illegal!" she cried. "And, in addition to these new laws, every third Saturday of the month shall be a day of backbreaking labor for all of Equestria! You shall construct unto me a statue in mine likeness, that shall be forty thousand cubits high, and it shall be covered with gold, and bejeweled..."

Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood exchanged a worried look.

"Crikey! Your friend seems a little bunta, Scoot," said Snap. "I'm thinkin' maybe we should cut our visit short."

He looked to his wife for confirmation, who nodded quickly. Scootaloo's face fell again.

"Don't worry, dear," said Mane. "We'll be back in...eh..."

She trailed off.

"...we'll be back as soon as we can, love," finished Snap.

"Right," agreed Mane.

Snap gave a light nod, and the two of them began to hurriedly make their way back through the crowd.

"If yeh need anythin', jes talk to yer aunts!" called Snap over his shoulder.

"Wait!" called out Scootaloo. "I don't remember where they live! Can you give me their address at least?"

"Sorry love, can't hear yeh! Best of luck to yeh though! And don't forget to patch up that hole with some Flex Seal™!"

The two of them disappeared into the crowd. Scoot stood staring at the empty space where they had been for a few seconds. Then, she turned to her friends, puffing her chest out proudly.

"See?" she said, in a rather smug tone. "I told you I had parents!"

Author's Note

Fact: Scootaloo's canonical family sucks worse than the crippled orphan backstory the fandom gave her.

Chapter Sixteen: Look on my Works Ye Mighty

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Apple Bloom banged her hoof against the table.

"This meetin' of the Cutie Mark Crusaders is now called to order!" she said. "Sweetie Belle, any old business?"

"We still don't have our cutie marks," said Sweetie Belle.

"Noted. Scootaloo, any new business?"

"Pyx is the Queen of Equestria now, so we need to find a new fourth member."

"Noted. Alright, let's deal with the old business first. What can we do to earn our cutie marks that we haven't tried yet?"

Sweetie Belle skimmed over the list she had in front of her.

"Uh, it looks like the only things we haven't tried are lion taming and blood spatter analysis."

Apple Bloom frowned.

"Hmm, well, maybe we should deal with the new business first then," she said. "Okay, who should we nominate to be our new fourth member now that Pyx has ascended to godhood and become Queen of all Equestria?"

Sweetie Belle took a sip from her juice box and swallowed.

"I nominate anypony but Twist." she said.

"Second," said Scootaloo.

"Third," said Apple Bloom. "Motion passes with a unanimous vote. Alright then, so it won't be Twist. Who should it be? I think we should consider Lemon Pledge. She did a real good job playin' Chimney Sweep #4 in that play we did."

"No way, Lemon Pledge sucks!" objected Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement.

"Okay," said Apple Bloom. "Who do you think we should pick?"

"Do we even need a new fourth member?" asked Scootaloo.

"Yeah, I mean, even though she's Queen of Equestria and stuff, Pyx hasn't technically resigned yet," added Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom thought about this for a moment.

"Hmm," she said. "Even though she's a grown-up alicorn now, she still doesn't have a cutie mark. Don't you girls think that's kinda weird?"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, and then nodded.

"It is pretty weird, actually," remarked Sweetie Belle. "I've never heard of a blank-flank adult before."

"It is weird," agreed Scootaloo. "You'd think if she became Queen of Equestria, she'd at least have gotten a cutie mark for it."

"Maybe she's not very good at rulin' Equestria?" Apple Bloom suggested.

"Actually, I don't think she is very good at it," said Sweetie Belle. "She made all those dumb laws about tacos and public broadcasting that everypony hates. Plus, I heard my dad talking to my mom about how Pyx was running the economy into the ground."

Scootaloo nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, I heard that too," she said. "Rainbow Dash was saying that her social welfare program is just a huge giveaway to smelly foreigners, and if she doesn't bring interest rates down she's going to drive us right into a recession!"

"Yeah, Rarity said that too," said Sweetie Belle.

"Wait, you're allowed to talk to Rainbow Dash again?" asked Apple Bloom. "I thought she had a court order."

"No, Pyx overruled it," said Scootaloo.

"Oh. Well that was nice of her."

"Yeah, it was," confirmed Scoot. "But other than that, I don't think Pyx is doing a very good job. At least, I think everypony liked it a lot better when Celestia and Luna were in charge. When I was at Sugar Cube Corner the other day, I heard some ponies talking about staging a bloody coup! Pinkie Pie even said that Pyx should be...uh, wait, what did she say again? Oh yeah: she said that Pyx should be 'publicly drawn and quartered!'"

"That's awful!" exclaimed Apple Bloom. "We can't let that happen to our friend!"

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo nodded in confirmation. A gloomy mood settled over the clubhouse.

"Hey!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle all of a sudden. "Maybe we could help her!"

"Yeah, that's a good idea!" said Scootaloo. "If the three of us and Poochie put our heads together, we could probably figure out how to govern Equestria!"

"We might even get our cutie marks for it!" Sweetie Belle added excitedly.

"Yeah, but how do we get in to see her?" asked Apple Bloom. "Applejack was tryin' to get an appointment to make a petition, and she said Pyx is booked solid for the next six months!"

Scootaloo blew a raspberry and waved both hooves dismissively.

"Oh, come on Apple Bloom!" she scoffed. "We don't need no stinkin' appointment! We're the Cutie Mark Crusaders! All we gotta do is sneak inside the castle somehow!"

"Hey, you're right!" said Apple Bloom. "There ain't nothin' we can't do if we put our minds to it!"

"Yeah!" said the other two in unison.

"Let's go on Friday," suggested Sweetie Belle. "That way we can make it a sleepover, and we won't have to wake up early for Pyx's forced labor program on Saturday!"

The others agreed that this was a fine idea.

"So it's unanimous," said Apple Bloom. "We infiltrate Canterlot Castle, and help Pyx rule Equestria!"

She banged her hoof against the table and made it official.

In the Great Hall of Canterlot Castle, Black Snooty sat on her throne, a goblet of wine levitated before her. She swirled the liquid around in her mouth, grimacing slightly. At the foot of her throne, a pegasus, wearing the black robes of the Order of the New Moon, stood holding his breath.

"Er...is the wine to your satisfaction, My Queen?" he asked finally.

Black Snooty glared down at him in irritation. Then, she spat.

"This is awful!" she proclaimed. "You must have done something to it!"

The pegasus immediately fell prostrate on the floor, groveling.

"N-no, my Queen, never!" he cried. "I-it's Pone's Farm, j-just like you asked for!"

Black Snooty raised a disgusted eyebrow. She hated it when these knaves groveled like this, but she'd given up trying to correct the behavior. She took another sip from the glass. Perhaps there was something about it she'd missed?

She spat. No, she'd been right the first time; this stuff was just awful. Why had she wanted to try it? Somepony she'd known, somepony from that murky and distant past she couldn't quite remember, had guzzled this swill by the gallon. Who was that pony? Why did the name Pone's Farm fill her with such happy nostalgia? Every time she tried to remember certain things, she felt as though her mind might split in two, and it provoked her temper.

"I don't believe you!" she snapped at her underling.

"P-please forgive me, y-your M-majesty," the pegasus stammered. "I swear that this is only the finest--GAAAK!!"

He was cut off in mid-sentence as Black Snooty levitated him into the air and snapped his neck. She tossed his lifeless corpse into the corner, on top of a large pile of black-robed pony corpses.

"Musk!" she barked.

Evening Musk, also clad in the black robe of his order, stepped forward, trembling slightly.

"Yes, O Queen?"

"I think this knave is trying to poison me. Here, taste this!"

She passed him the cup. Musk took a sip and grimaced. Black Snooty watched him carefully.

"Well?" she demanded.

Musk made a face.

"Well...it tastes like gnat's piss, your Majesty, but I don't think it's poisoned."

Black Snooty breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, good," she said. "For a second I thought somepony was trying to poison me. Where is my cup-bearer? I owe him an apology."

Musk glanced uneasily at the pile of corpses.

"Eh...well, you...er...already chastised him, O Queen."

Black Snooty blinked, then looked towards the pile of bodies. By Jove, he was right: there was her cup-bearer, right at the top.

"Oh, nerts!" she cried. "I always do that! Me and my temper!"

She laughed. Musk chuckled nervously.

"Anyway," continued Black Snooty. "It seems I'm in need of a new cup-bearer. See if you can find somepony."

Musk's horn glittered, and he floated a scroll out from a pocket of his robe. He scanned quickly down the list.

"Eh, well, that may actually be a problem, O Queen..."

Black Snooty frowned.

"I don't like problems," she said. "Problems and I tend to clash. What exactly is this problem?"

Musk glanced uneasily at the pile of corpses again.

"Well, O Queen, it's just that...the Order of the New Moon is...running a bit low on members of late."

"Oh, is that all?" Black Snooty breathed a sigh of relief. For a second she'd been worried that the problem might have had something to do with a zombie uprising. "Just recruit some new ones, then."

"Well, that...may be easier said than done...O Queen."

"Why?"

"Well...it's just that..."

The Queen snorted contemptuously.

"Come on, out with it man!"

"Well, it's just that recruitment in the Order has been...down lately. It seems that word of your...eh...temperament...is discouraging ponies from signing up. We've also suffered...a bit of, er, attrition in the, er, present ranks."

Black Snooty pouted.

"Oh, pooh!" she said. "What a bunch of babies. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. Maybe add some incentives or something; see if you can't make membership a bit more attractive."

"Er...does your Majesty have any suggestions?"

"Oh, I don't know; use your imagination. Give everypony who signs up a Plot Topic gift card or something."

"Uh, well, that...may be a problem, O Queen. I've received word that the treasury is, er, running a bit low of late..."

Black Snooty leaned forward, outraged.

"What?!? Why wasn't I told of this?!? Where is my Finance Minister?!"

"Er, I'll summon him at once, Your Majesty!" cried Musk. "Yorsets! Yorsets, get in here immediately! The Queen demands a word!"

He began frantically tugging on a bell cable near the throne. A short time later, Bastion Yorsets galloped rapidly into the Hall.

"Um, your Majesty has summoned me?" he asked timidly.

"What is the meaning of this?!?" demanded Black Snooty.

Yorsets glanced uncomfortably at Musk, and then back at the Queen, and then back at Musk again. Musk shrugged helplessly.

"Um...the meaning of what, your Majesty?"

Black Snooty furrowed her brow.

"I...don't remember. Musk!" she turned her blazing reptokitty eyes on her cowering minister. "What is the thing of which I need to know the meaning?"

"Er...the treasury, O Queen?"

"Right. The treasury." She returned her attention to Bastion Yorsets. "Yorsets! Musk informs me that the treasury is running low. I demand an explanation!"

Yorsets began fumbling with the hem of his robe.

"Well, your Highness, it's because you've spent nearly all of the money that was in it..."

"What do you mean?!?" she demanded. "At the beginning of my reign, you told me we had millions of bits in there!"

"Well, er, we did, Majesty, but well, you see, there have been expenses..."

"What expenses?"

Bastion donned a green accountant’s eyeshade and went over some figures.

"Well, you remember that forty-thousand-cubit tall statue you commissioned of yourself, the one made of solid gold and encrusted with jewels? That ate through quite a bit of it. Then, there was that rather large sum you gave over to that Zebrican prince who sent you that letter; we're still waiting to hear back from him. And then there is your Majesty's corpse-disposal budget, which is unusually high compared to previous administrations..."

Black Snooty waved an impatient hoof.

"Enough!" she cried petulantly. "Just tell me how much is left!"

"Er, in the treasury, you mean?"

"Yes."

"Well..." he squinted at the figures. "Er, I'd say...about four."

"Four?"

"Yes, four."

"Four what? Four million?"

"Eh, no."

"Four thousand?"

"Um, no, Majesty. Four. Four bits." He squinted at the ledger again. "Oh, wait; never mind. With that jug of Pone's Farm you just purchased, we're actually in the red now. The amount in the treasury is negative five bits."

"Absurd!" she cried. "I demand to know the meaning of this!!"

Yorsets shrugged helplessly.

"Well, Majesty, I'm afraid the meaning of it is that Equestria is insolvent."

"What does that mean?!?"

"It means we have no money."

"Why?!?"

"Because you spent all of it."

"Then just put some more in there!"

"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that."

Black Snooty howled with rage. The two unicorns cowered before her. She drummed her hooves angrily against the marble floor and glowered at the stained-glass windows that lined the Hall. The images of Celestia and Luna seemed to be mocking her. However had they managed to make this job look so easy? For that matter, why had she even wanted this job in the first place?

"I thought you said you were a professor or something!" she exploded suddenly. "You said you had tenure!"

"Er, well, yes, I do," stammered Yorsets. "But, as I've told you repeatedly, my area of expertise is ancient Equestrian sorcery, I'm not an economist--GAAAAAAK!"

Yorsets cried out suddenly as the Queen levitated him into the air and snapped his neck. Evening Musk winced and looked away.

"Oh, pooh!" cried Black Snooty as she tossed the limp corpse onto the pile. "Now, on top of everything else, I need a new Finance Minister! Musk! See if you can find somepony who wants the job!"

"Er, I will do so immediately, O Queen!" stammered Musk. He cleared his throat. "Um, there is, however, a somewhat more urgent matter that requires your attention..."

Black Snooty groaned. Why were there so many urgent matters? Why did all of them require her attention? Ruling Equestria with an iron hoof was proving to be such a tedious chore. Sometimes, she wished she could give all of this up, and become a simple foal, romping around freely in the schoolyard...

"Oh, very well," she said resignedly. "What is it this time? Another wretched peasant petition?"

"Oh, nothing like that, Majesty!" he assured her, his expression brightening somewhat. "In fact, I think this might actually please you. You see, the guards intercepted an intruder in the castle earlier today."

"An intruder?" the Queen's ears pricked. Torturing the various dissidents and assassins who tried to infiltrate her fortress of solitude always did tend to cheer her up.

"She says she knows you," continued Musk. "In fact, she's been demanding an audience with you all afternoon. Very loudly and drunkenly, I might add.”

He had Black Snooty's full attention now.

"Send her in!" she commanded.

Musk bowed.

"As my Queen commands," he said. He turned around and barked at the guard by the door. "Go and retrieve the prisoner! The Queen wishes to interrogate her!"

The guard saluted, and ran off to carry out the order. A short time later, a pair of soldiers entered the room, escorting a purple unicorn who was weaving unsteadily between them.

"Ged yer hooves off me!" she mumbled, swatting at one of the soldiers with a foreleg.

She listed unsteadily to the side, stumbling into him. She looked up at him, rubbing her head against his withers.

"Mmm, yer kinda cute," she mumbled with a grin. "Mebbe some dime you an me can mrrmbmbllemrmph..."

She trailed off, and listed to the other side.

Black Snooty sat up alertly in her throne.

"I know this unicorn!" she cried.

She felt a sharp pain in her forehead, and she winced. Disjointed images flitted across her eyelids: memories of a different time and place, when she had been somepony else. Yes, she had known this unicorn; Twilight Sparkle was her name. However, it was more than that. She'd been close to this pony, she'd even called her...she'd called her...

"Oh, *hic*, loogy here!" slurred the unicorn, snapping Black Snooty out of her thoughts and back into the present. "Loogat lil' miss, *hic*, lil' miss high and mighty!"

Twilight Sparkle stumbled forward, nearly tripped over her own front hooves, steadied herself, and pointed an accusing foreleg at Black Snooty.

"You thing yer preddy great, don'tcha?" she demanded. "Loogat you. Loogat lil' miss fanzy-pands, *hic*, lil' miss high an' mighty! Lil miss fanzy-pands, too, *hic*, too busy rulin' Equedsdria to givver mudder a call!!"

She stumbled forward again, lost her balance, and fell face first into Black Snooty's chest. When she looked up again, she was crying.

"Ah'm sarry!!" she mumbled. She rose unsteadily to her hooves again, and then threw her front legs around Black Snooty in an awkward embrace.

"AH'M SAAAAAARRRY!!!!" she wailed, sobbing. "Bud...bud we had sum good dimes, didn'we? Sure, I...I wuznd always a grade mudder, bud...bud...bud we hadsum good times....right...Pyx? An...an even if you are Nighdmare Moom, I still...I'm still yer mudder Pyx..."

Twilight buried her face in Black Snooty's chest fluff and blew her nose in it.

"Hey," she said, back on all fours again but still stumbling. "Are you...are you gunna dring dat?"

She pointed to the open bottle of Pone's Farm that was still sitting next to the throne.

"Er, no. You go right ahead," said Black Snooty, who was now busy dabbing at her chest fluff with a handkerchief.

"Thangs," said Twilight. Without further comment, she levitated the bottle to her lips and chugged its contents in a few long gulps. When she was finished, she looked up at Black Snooty again, tears running down her cheeks.

"I...I was a good mudder, wuzzind I...?" she mumbled. And with that, she collapsed onto the floor and immediately began snoring.

For several seconds, nopony spoke. Finally, Evening Musk cleared his throat.

"Er, what...would you like done with her, Highness?"

Black Snooty was watching the unicorn slumber with an odd expression on her face. When Musk spoke, she started and looked up, as if she'd forgotten he was there.

"What?" she said. "Oh, I don't know. Nothing I guess. Let her go."

Musk raised an eyebrow.

"Highness?"

"What?" snapped Black Snooty, clearly annoyed. "She hasn't done anything wrong. Scrape her off the floor, put her in a wheelbarrow or something and have one of the guards escort her home."

Musk looked uncomfortable.

"Er, forgive my impertinence, O Queen, but...are you certain that's a good idea?"

"Why would it not be?" she snapped.

"Well, it's just that, she is the bearer of the Element of Magic, Highness."

"The Whoozit of Whatsit now?"

Musk sighed.

"Highness, were you even paying attention during the orientation slideshow I presented when you began your reign?"

"Of course I wasn't! Have you ever sat and listened to one of your own slideshows? I'm surprised you didn't end up putting yourself to sleep!"

Musk sighed heavily, and cleared his throat.

"Your Majesty, the Elements of Harmony are a set of very powerful magic talismans. During your Majesty's battle against your royal sister one thousand years ago, she used them to banish you to the moon. Upon your Majesty's return, they were again used to thwart your ambitions, this time wielded by the very unicorn who lies prostrate on the ground before you.”

“You’ve just been dying to use the word ‘prostrate’ in a sentence, haven’t you?” Black Snooty muttered, drumming her hooves and looking bored. Evening Musk ignored her and continued.

"Twilight Sparkle and her friends are each a Bearer of an Element of Harmony. Twilight's is Magic; the others are Honesty, Loyalty, Kindness, Laughter and Generosity. When the six Elements are used together, they have the power to topple your reign yet again. This malevolent mare is a grave threat to you, Majesty, and I would beseech you to--"

Black Snooty groaned aloud.

"Great googly-moogly, but you are an absolute bore to listen to!" she cried. "Fine; if it's that big a deal then just...oh, I don't know, throw her in the dungeon or something!"

"Highness, I really would advise you to just kill--"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!" she thundered. The outburst took Musk completely by surprise, and he tumbled backward head over hooves.

Black Snooty calmed herself and sat down.

"You will not harm her," she said. "If these Elements of Whatever are really that big a deal to you, then you may imprison her in the dungeon to prevent her from using them. However, you will not lay a hoof on her without my permission, on penalty of death. Is that understood, knave?"

Musk swallowed.

"Yes, your Majesty."

"Good. Now leave me."

Musk bowed and trotted out of the room, silently thankful that he finally had an excuse to go. One of the guards left and came back with a cart, and they busied themselves with transporting the unconscious Twilight Sparkle to the dungeon.

Black Snooty watched the slumbering drunken unicorn until she'd been carried out of sight, an odd, contemplative expression on her face.

Pyx? she thought to herself. Was that what she called me? Why do I feel as if I know that name?

Chapter Seventeen: Apple Dumpling Surprise

Soup Du Jour was dreaming again. It was an old dream, a dream he'd had many times since he was a foal.

The kingdom of his dreams was a restaurant, the fanciest restaurant Equestria had ever seen. A restaurant so fancy that reservations had to be made centuries in advance. Ponies made reservations not for themselves, nor even for their children, but for their children's children's children. Only the fanciest and most noble families in Equestria were even considered for such an honor.

The menu at this restaurant was so fancy that the names of the dishes could not be uttered in any mortal tongue. The name was so fancy that only those chosen could hear it and comprehend that it was the name of a restaurant. Its food was so fancy that it could not even be consumed, for to do so would be like tearing asunder that which the gods had wrought.

And in his dream, Soup Du Jour was a waiter at this restaurant. Only he was not just any waiter. He was the Head Waiter.

But alas, every time he stood in the dining hall of this Most Fanciest of Restaurants, before he could even take one single customer's order, or their drink order, or even suggest an appetizer or something, Soup Du Jour would awaken. He would find himself alone, in his bed, in a world where he could never be a waiter, let alone the Head Waiter of a restaurant so fancy it could only exist in the Realm of Pure Form. And in those moments, Soup Du Jour would weep.

Even after the ascension of Black Snooty, Soup Du Jour still had this dream from time to time. However, when he awoke, he no longer had reason to weep. For he had, thanks to his great and glorious Queen, come as close to achieving his dream as anypony might hope while still entombed in his mortal coil.

The alarm bell beside his bed rang, and Soup Du Jour calmly switched it off. He rose, dressing himself in his waiterly tuxedo as he'd done every day for as long as he could remember. He stood before the mirror, waxing his pencil mustache, oiling his mane into place, and practing the eloquent jargon of his trade:

"Would Sir prefer soup or salad with his entree?"

"Is the creme brulee to Madame's satisfaction?"

"If I might make a suggestion, les foins a l'orange is exceptional tonight."

For most of his life, this morning ritual had been a sad farce: the tragic pantomime of a lonely poner, pining away for a life that could never be. However, since the Great and Glorious Queen Black Snooty had so graciously seen fit to secure him a table-waiting position at Le Brasserie de Le Coq Gigantesque in Canterlot, this tragic ritual had become a joyous one.

And so, as he made the final adjustments to his bow-tie, ready to set off for yet another wonderful day of waiting tables at a chic Canterlot brasserie, he spoke the last words of his ritual, the words that he had added but recently:

"Black Snooty is love," he whispered. "Black Snooty is life."

"This is today's delivery?"

"Eeyup."

The manager walked around to the back of the cart and gave the load of apples a cursory glance.

"Alright, looks good. Go ahead and unload."

The manager trotted back into the restaurant, and the big beefy red earth pony who was pulling the cart began to undo his harness.

"Quick!" whispered a small voice from the back of the apple cart. "Now's our chance!"

While the cart pony was still fussing with his harness, three fillies slipped quietly out from behind the barrels of apples in the back. One by one, they dropped to the cobbled pavement of the alley and scrambled quickly behind some stacked wooden crates.

"Where do we go from here?" whispered Sweetie Belle.

"Shh," hissed Apple Bloom. "Just sit tight for a minute."

"My butt's numb," muttered Scootaloo.

"Well, it won't get any less numb if you keep complainin' about it!" Apple Bloom admonished. "Now be quiet! If my brother catches us, he'll make us go back to Ponyville with him!"

The fillies stayed hidden behind the crates, while Big Macintosh unloaded the barrels of apples one by one and rolled them through the service entrance of the restaurant. When about a third of the barrels had been stowed away in the kitchen, he raised the back hatch of the cart and redid his harness. When the last clippity-clop of his hoofsies had faded off into the distance, the three fillies emerged from their hiding place.

"Well, we did it girls!" said Apple Bloom proudly. "We made it to Canterlot!"

"Yeah, but what now?" asked Scootaloo. "How are we supposed to find Pyx in a huge city like this?"

They looked around them, taking in for the first time the towering stone walls and parapets and spires rising up all around them.

"Well, let's try and figure it out," suggested Sweetie Belle. "Where are we right now?"

"Hmm, let's see..." Apple Bloom thought about it. "It's Friday, and Big Mac always delivers to the same restaurant on Fridays. Lemme see, what was that place called again...?"

"Le Coq Gigantesque?" suggested Scootaloo.

"Yeah, that's it!" cried Apple Bloom. "How'd you know?"

"It's painted on the wall next to the service door," said Scoot, pointing.

"Hey, I think I've heard of this place!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle.

"You have?"

"Yeah! This is the place Rarity is always talking about! I guess she always comes here whenever she's in Canterlot."

"Rarity likes Le Coq?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Oh, yeah," Sweetie Belle assured them. "She raves about Le Coq. Like, to the point where she won't shut up about it. It's always 'Le Coq this' and 'Le Coq that,' and 'oh, Sweetie Belle, you simply must try Le Coq when you get older!' If you listened to my sister, you'd think Le Coq was the tastiest thing in all Equestria!"

"Hmmm..." Apple Bloom stroked her chin thoughtfully, staring at Le Coq. "You know what? I'll bet this would be the perfect place to search for Pyx!"

"It would?" asked Scootaloo.

"Sure! I mean, think about it: Pyx is a Queen now, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And Queens like fancy stuff, right?"

"Hey, you're right..."

"So that means..."

"That means that if we just hide out at this restaurant, sooner or later Pyx will show up to eat here!"

"Then, when she shows up..." began Sweetie Belle.

"...we can hide in one of the dishes and wait for them to serve us to her!" finished Apple Bloom.

"This isn't even close to being the dumbest idea we've ever had!" said Scootaloo excitedly.

The three of them each raised a hoof.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ENTREES!" they exclaimed in unison.

"And you say this restaurant is the best?" Black Snooty asked.

"Oh, absolutely, my Queen!" Evening Musk assured her. "I dine here all the time; or whenever I can get a table at least! It's the most chic and exclusive restaurant in all Canterlot!"

Black Snooty was skeptical, but she had to admit she was also intrigued. Besides, it had been ages since she'd had a night out. It might do her some good to get out of the castle.

"Well, here we are, your Majesty!" said Musk.

They drew up in front of an opulent structure, the words "Le Coq Gigantesque" glowing above the entrance in elegant neon letters. A velvet rope blocked off the entrance, with a rather haughty-looking unicorn standing guard next to it. A line of sharply-dressed ponies was stretched around the block.

Black Snooty and Evening Musk made their way to the front, much to the annoyance of the ponies standing in line.

"Good evening," said the unicorn at the velvet rope in a fancy accent. "Do Monsieur et Madame have a reservation?"

"Er, I'm afraid we don't, actually..." said Black Snooty.

"This is the Queen of Equestria, you dolt!" hissed Evening Musk.

The Maitre D frowned, looking at the two of them with a haughty expression.

"Yes, I can see," he said. "And we are pleased to welcome Her Majesty to our humble establishment. However, I regret to inform you that we are booked solid, and without a reservation..."

"I say!" exclaimed an unfamiliar voice. "Does Her Majesty Black Snooty enjoy Le Coq as well?"

Snooty and Musk turned to see an elegant pair of unicorns approaching them, also cutting past the entire line. Both of them had glimmering white coats; the stallion was blue-maned and wore a tuxedo and monocle, and his wife was lithe and beautiful, and had a long, luxurious pink mane.

"Oh, I beg your pardon," said the stallion. "We haven't been properly introduced. My name is Fancy Pants, and this is my wife, Fleur De Lis."

"Charmed," said the mare, bowing gracefully. Musk and Snooty returned the gesture.

"Do the two of you dine here often?" inquired Musk.

"Oh, we simply adore Le Coq!" exclaimed Fleur De Lis. "In fact my husband just loves it! All night and all day, he just raves about Le Coq!"

"You're one to talk, my dear," chortled Fancy Pants. He turned to them, smiling. "Why, my Fleur De Lis is so fond of Le Coq it's all I can do to pry her away from it. Every single night, she's just begging for Le Coq!"

"I think it's safe to say that both of us are just tremendous fans of Le Coq!" said Fleur De Lis. "Why, the only thing that brings me greater pleasure than Le Coq is jabbing commoners with a stick!"

"Well, I certainly hope you use a long stick," said Fancy Pants jovially. "I'd hate to think you might accidentally touch one of the commoners you were jabbing! You might end up catching some peasant illness that would keep you away from Le Coq for a week!"

They both laughed in an exaggerated, posh manner. Evening Musk and Black Snooty laughed too.

"Incidentally," said Black Snooty. "Do the two of you have a table reserved?"

"But of course we do. We would never attempt to dine here without a reserva--GAAAAAAK!"

Fancy Pants was suddenly levitated into the air, and his neck was snapped.

"I say, that was quite rude of you, your Majes--GAAAAAAAK!" cried Fleur De Lis, as the same thing happened to her.

Black Snooty tossed the two corpses into a passing apple cart. The beefy red cart pony gave her a dirty look but said nothing. She smiled pleasantly at the Maitre D, who bowed.

"If Madame et Monsieur would like to follow me," he said. "It appears that a table has just opened up."

Black Snooty appraised her surroundings. It seemed that Evening Musk had been right; this place really was quite fancy. It might have even been the fanciest bistro in all of Canterlot.

"This place really is quite fancy," she remarked.

"Oh, absolutely my Queen," agreed Musk. "It's the fanciest bistro in all of Canterlot!"

"I thought it was a brasserie?"

"Is there a difference?"

"Actually, I'm not sure."

They both laughed in an exaggerated, posh manner.

"Ah, your Majesty!" exclaimed a voice. "We are humbled that you would grace us with your presence at Le Coq Gigantesque! And, if you will permit me to be so bold, I wish to extend my eternal gratitude to your Majesty for recommending me for my current position!"

Black Snooty turned to face the waiter, a confused expression on her face.

"That's Soup Du Jour," whispered Evening Musk. "He's a member of the Order; your Majesty graciously allowed him to become a waiter at this restaurant."

"Ah, yes, of course," said Black Snooty. "Soup Du Jour."

The waiter bowed deeply.

"I am flattered that your Majesty would remember a lowly waiter such as I!"

Another waiter approached, wheeling a cart laden with covered dishes.

"Ah, thank you Pierre!" said Soup Du Jour. "And now, your Majesty, may I present your entree for this evening: sweet apple dumpling surprise!"

He placed a covered dish in front of her. However, before he was able to lift the lid, a commotion at a nearby table drew their attention.

"I say! Waiter!" a pony called out.

Soup Du Jour glanced over his shoulder, and then bowed to Snooty and Musk.

"If your Majesty will excuse me for just one moment." He turned his attention to the next table. "What seems to be the trouble, Monsieur?"

"Waiter," said the pony at the next table. "There's a filly in my soup!"

Sure enough, there was a little orange pegasus filly sitting in his bowl of soup.

"Hey, I've got a filly in my soup too!" another diner called out. And sure enough, there was a little white unicorn filly in his bowl.

Watching the curious spectacle out of the corner of her eye, Black Snooty levitated the cover off of the dish in front of her. On the plate, sitting on a bed of lettuce and garnished with carrots and sprouts, was a little yellow earth pony filly with a bright red mane. As soon as the cover was off, the filly spat out the apple that was in her mouth and waved to her.

"Hi, Pyx!" cried Apple Bloom.

However, before Snooty could respond, the table was seized in a magical aura and overturned. The filly cried out in surprise, tumbling head over hooves into the air.

"ASSASSIN!!" screamed Evening Musk at the top of his lungs. "EVERYPONY GET DOWN!!!"

"I still don't see why you had to spoil our dinner like that," remarked Black Snooty, tapping her hooves in annoyance.

They were back in the Great Hall of Canterlot Castle. Although the incident had forced them to shut down for the evening, Le Coq Gigantesque had been kind enough to provide them with some complimentary take-out platters. While Black Snooty had to admit that the food was quite delicious, eating it in here just wasn't the same.

Evening Musk bowed obsequiously.

"I apologize profusely, your Majesty," he said for probably the thousandth time that evening. "But your safety is paramount."

Black Snooty grunted, and took another bite of her souffle. If this food weren't so fancy and delicious, she probably would have snapped Evening Musk's neck by now. The food, however, really was quite fancy and quite delicious.

"So," she said between bites. "What did you do with those three fillies, anyway?"

Musk sighed.

"I did as your Majesty commanded," he said, unable to conceal the disappointment in his voice.

"You put them in the dungeon?"

"Yes, your Majesty."

"In the same cell as the other one?"

"Yes, your Majesty. They are in the same cell as Twilight Sparkle. Though I still don't understand why--"

"So they can keep each other company, of course. I'm not a monster."

"Yes, but I don't understand--"

"Then it's a good thing I don't pay you to understand. In fact, I don't think I'm paying you at all, am I?"

"Er, no, you're not. At least, not since the treasury ran out."

"Well, good. Then you have nothing to complain about."

"That's not exactly...well; never mind. It's just that, well, those fillies tried to assassinate you, my Queen--"

"Oh, give me a break! They were children!"

"They could be pygmy assassins disguised as children!"

"I highly doubt that."

"But it's possible! If you would only let me torture them--"

"No! No torture."

"Please? Just a little bit of torture?"

"No, not even a little."

"Oh, pooh!"

"Oh, pooh yourself, Musk!"

The Queen finished her souffle and moved on to the plum pudding. She watched Musk out of the corner of her eye. He was still pouting, and it irritated her.

"What are you sulking about now?" she demanded.

Musk opened his mouth to reply, then seemed to think better of it. Black Snooty frowned.

"Speak your mind, knave!" she commanded.

"Well, it's just that..." began Musk, unsure of how to proceed. "It's just that, some other members of the Order have been...talking, my Queen."

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"Talking?"

"Yes."

"And what have they been talking about?"

Musk hesitated.

"They say that you have gone insane," he said. "That your methods are...unsound."

"And are my methods unsound?"

Musk took a deep breath.

"I don't see any method at all, your Majesty," he said finally. "In the past, the Great Queen Nightmare Moon was a terrible and beautiful ruler! You were a ruler to be feared!"

"And am I not feared?"

Musk swallowed.

"Well, er, yes, of course you are," he stammered. "It's just that these recent acts of mercy of yours are sending a bit of a mixed message..."

Black Snooty floated a fork over to Musk's plate and stole one of his potatoes.

"I don't need to explain my actions to you, or to that silly Order of yours," she said nonchalantly. "Last I checked, it was I who was Queen of Equestria. And I keep telling you, I have no idea who this Nightmare Moon is that everypony keeps bringing up."

She put the potato in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

"In any case, those prisoners are not to be harmed. The three fillies, and the other one, the one with that...thing. The Element of Whatever."

"The Element of Magic, my Queen."

"Yes, that. You are to leave them alone. If you want to torture somepony, we have plenty of other prisoners for you to choose from."

Musk sighed.

"Yes, but it's not the same," he complained.

"Well, I'm afraid that's just the way it is," said Black Snooty. "And I don't want to hear another word about it."

"Yes, my Queen," said Musk resignedly.

"Now then, let's move on to more important matters. Have you found me a new Finance Minister yet?"

"Ah yes," said Musk, brightening somewhat. "That is being handled as we speak."

Soup Du Jour stood before the mirror in his bedroom, staring glumly at his reflection. He could barely look himself in the eye.

"Doggy bags," he muttered. "We had to send them away with doggy bags!"

The scene at the restaurant had been bad enough, but to have disgraced himself in front of the Great Queen Black Snooty in such a way...

"I don't even deserve to wear this!" he cried in anguish, yanking off his bow tie and tossing it to the floor.

Suddenly, there came a knock at the door.

"Yes?" he said glumly as he pulled open the door. When he saw who it was, he straightened up.

"I come with a message from Her Majesty Black Snooty," said Night Soil.

Soup Du Jour hung his head in shame.

"I know that I have failed her!" he cried. "I am ready to accept whatever punishment she sees fit!"

Night Soil looked somewhat taken aback.

"Er, it's actually good news," he said.

Soup Du Jour looked up, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"So...her Majesty is not...displeased with me?"

"No, I don't think so."

Soup breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"That is wonderful news!" he cried. "So...does this mean I'm not going to be......fired?"

"What? Fired? No; nothing of the sort."

Soup breathed an even deeper sigh of relief.

"In fact," continued Night Soil, "You're actually getting a promotion."

"A promotion?"

Soup Du Jour's eyes lit up. It was almost too good to be true!

"What...position does her gracious Majesty have in mind?" he asked hesitantly. "Maitre D? Wine Steward? Perhaps even......Head Waiter...?"

Night Soil laughed and shook his head.

"Oh, no!" he said. "You have to think bigger, man! You're going all the way to the top!"

Soup Du Jour's eyes widened.

"You can't possibly mean," he whispered. "Assistant...Manager...?"

Night Soil smiled broadly and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Soup Du Jour," he said. "As of this moment, you are her Majesty's new Finance Minister."

All the elation drained out of Soup in an instant.

"...what?"

"Oh yes," said Night Soil. "You're on easy street from here on out! You'll never have to go back to that smelly old restaurant again!"

Soup Du Jour fell to his knees. Of all the cruel twists of fate, he could not have seen this one coming. His eyes filled with tears.

Night Soil laughed heartily.

"Speechless, eh? Well, don't worry; you've earned it my friend. Don't think we've forgotten about all the hard work you've been putting in for the Order! The Queen takes care of her loyal servants! No more waitering for you; no siree! You're on the gravy train now, bucko!"

He turned to go.

"Just be at the castle at 9 AM sharp!" he called out.

The door swung shut behind him. Soup du Jour barely heard it close.

"No," he whispered. "NO!"

He pounded his hooves into the floor, over and over and over.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chapter Eighteen: Decline...

The days passed, and by high summer Black Snooty was mired in a deep malaise. At Evening Musk's suggestion, she had tried taking a greater role in the day to day governance of Equestria. However, no matter how many dissidents she tortured or how many rebellions she put down or how much terror she unleashed on the populace, nothing seemed to make her happy.

One afternoon, she sat glumly on her throne, hearing the latest petitions from her subjects.

"...and that's my petition, yer Highness."

Black Snooty sighed heavily.

"Very well," she said.

Applejack blinked.

"Really?"

"Yes, really. You can have a new plow for your farm."

"Well yah-hoo!" cried Applejack, smiling brightly. "I thank'ya kindly, yer Highness!"

"Yes, yes, think nothing of it," said the Queen absently. "Next petition, please."

A pair of frumpy, middle-aged unicorns, a mare and a stallion, stepped forward timidly.

"Uh, beggin' your pardon, your Majesty," began the stallion. "It sure is an honor to be in your presence, don'tcha know."

"Yes, yes," said Black Snooty morosely. "What is your petition?"

"Well, actually," began the stallion. "We were kinda wondrin' if...if...."

"...if we could please have our daughter back," finished his wife politely.

Black Snooty frowned.

"Your daughter?"

"Um, yes your Majesty. You've had our little Sweetie Belle down there in your dungeon for a few weeks now don'tcha know, and we were kinda wondrin' if maybe she's learned her lesson yet?"

Black Snooty felt her heart seize in her chest. She'd completely forgotten about the three fillies she'd locked in the dungeon.

"Er..." she began.

"Actually," chimed in Applejack. "I was gonna ask about that too. Uh, ya see, my lil' sister's down there in yer dungeon too, and, uh......"

The queen sighed.

"Too late, Applejack," she said. "You already asked for a plow."

"Oh," said Applejack. "Well, ya see yer Majesty, it's just that it's gettin' to be harvest season pretty soon, and we could shore use all the help we can get--"

"Sorry, Applejack, you'll have to come back next week," said the Queen. "Go talk to Night Soil at the front desk, he'll tell you where to pick up your plow."

A pair of guards moved in on either side of Applejack, and began to nudge her towards the door.

"Oh," she said again. "Well, uh, I thank ya kindly fer that plow, then, yer majesty. And uh, ya know, if ya get around to lettin' my sister outta the dungeon, I shore would appreciate it..."

"Yes yes, I heard you, come back next week," said Black Snooty.

The guards pushed Applejack out of the Hall, and the door swung shut behind her.

"Um, what about us then?" came a timid voice.

"Oh, er...what was your question again?"

"Um, our little Sweetie Belle, your Majesty. We were wondrin' if you could let her out of your little ol' dungeon there."

"Oh, right. Well, eh...I'd have to speak with my Minister about that..."

"Your Minister?" the mare looked confused. "Aren't you the Queen of Equestria then, your Majesty?"

"Well, yes, I am..."

"Then, well, wouldn't it be your decision who goes into the dungeon and who gets out?" asked the stallion.

"...er...well...I really don't keep very close track of that stuff, to be honest," Black Snooty stuttered. "It's mostly Evening Musk who handles all of that. I can...eh...look into it probably..."

She trailed off, looking away uncomfortably. There was a rather longish pause.

"So, eh, do you maybe have a time frame you could give us, your Majesty?" asked the stallion.

"If it's not too much of a bother," added his wife quickly. "It's just that, she really is a sweet little filly, and I'm sure she wasn't really tryin' to assasinate'cha or anything..."

Black Snooty cleared her throat.

"Um, yes. Come back next week; I should have an answer for you then."

She clapped her hooves quickly.

"Anyway, that's all the petitions we have time for today!" she called out. "The rest of you, come back next week!"

There was a general grumbling from the assembled ponies, and gradually the Hall began to empty. The two middle-aged unicorns glanced uncomfortably at each other, bowed, and left along with the rest of them.

The huge doors swung shut with a dull, monotonous boom, and Evening Musk emerged from the shadows.

"Well, your Majesty," he said pleasantly. "How did the day's petitions go?"

Black Snooty gave him a sour look.

"Did you know that those three fillies are still locked away in the dungeon?" she asked.

Musk looked taken aback.

"Well, yes, of course I knew..."

"And is there any possibility of letting them out?"

"Let them out? But...they haven't quite learned their lesson yet..."

"I see. And what lesson were they supposed to have learned?"

"Why...not to assassinate you, of course!"

"Ah. Yes. Of course. It had slipped my mind."

Instead of pressing the argument, the alicorn queen plodded glumly down the length of the Hall. Evening Musk trotted to catch up to her.

"Er, if your Majesty will forgive my impertinence," he said. "But it feels like you haven't quite been yourself lately?"

"Not myself?"

Black Snooty regarded him with a tired expression. What was wrong with her? She found she could barely even summon the energy to verbally abuse her Minister anymore.

Musk looked away, frowning. Then, he suddenly remembered something, and his face lit up.

"Ah! I know what would cheer your Majesty up! A hanging!"

"A hanging?"

"Yes! A good old-fashioned public hanging! You always used to love those!"

To his surprise, however, Black Snooty only sighed.

"Are we at least hanging somepony who deserves it this time?"

Musk's horn lit up, and he pulled a ledger book from a pocket in his robe.

"Er, let me see," he said, flipping through the pages. "Ah, yes. The prisoner is someone we've had in our dungeon for...some time now."

Snooty felt a small twinge of anxiety.

"You...don't say? Who is it?"

"Oh, a vile criminal, absolutely vile!" Musk assured her.

"And exactly what crime did this vile criminal commit?"

Musk squinted at the page.

"Hmm, ah yes. Here we are. It appears as if the prisoner assaulted two fillies earlier this year. It seems that he....hmm.....what? Oh, my, this is quite dreadful!"

Musk continued to read the ledger page, mumbling to himself.

"....he did what?!?" he exclaimed. "With a pineapple?!?"

He began to look a little green around the gills, and quickly slipped the ledger back into his robe.

"Er, well," he said quickly. "I'll spare your Majesty the lurid details. Suffice it to say that this scoundrel deserves absolutely no clemency. The prisoner's name is Magnet. Steven Magnet."

"Hmm," said Black Snooty. She felt the anxious knot in her stomach loosen. What had she been afraid of, exactly?

"At any rate, it appears they have the gallows all ready to go, your Majesty," Musk went on. "They're leading the prisoner there as we speak. Would you...like to attend?"

Black Snooty sighed heavily.

"Lead the way," she said.

The prisoner was a large sea serpent, so tall that a special gallows had been constructed solely for this occasion. It stood in the courtyard, nearly half as tall as the nearest tower. On the platform stood the condemned, the rope fastened about his neck.

"Oh please, please! I swear I didn't do it, oh please your Majesty, have mercy on me~~~!"

As Black Snooty made her way onto the observation platform that stood opposite the gallows, Steven Magnet was in the process of making an extremely loud and flamboyant plea for his life.

"Wow, that guy is really annoying!" she said aloud.

"Yes, he certainly is," agreed Evening Musk. "I assure your Majesty, he is among the worst criminals ever to have passed through our courts. The sooner we are rid of him, the better."

Musk nodded to the masked executioner, who took up a position next to the lever that would release the trapdoor. Then, he made his way to the podium and spoke in a booming voice:

"Steven Magnet! You have been accused of the murders of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and were found guilty in a court of law! In the name of her Majesty Black Snooty, née Nightmare Moon, Queen of All Equestria and Some of the Lands Beyond Probably, the court has sentenced you to be hanged by the neck until dead! Do you have any last requests before the sentence is passed?!"

"Oooooh~~~!" cried Steven Magnet, weeping hysterically. "My mustache!! Won't somepony please comb my mustache~~! I can't bear to die with my mustache in such a frightful state~~~~!!!"

Musk rolled his eyes.

"Will somepony please comb the prisoner's mustache?" he asked.

One of the unicorn jailers stepped forward, levitating a large comb. When the deed was done, Musk stepped back from the podium.

"Would your Majesty like to do the honors?" he whispered.

For some reason, Black Snooty hesitated. It was true, as Musk had said, that she did so love a good hanging, and yet...something about this scene bothered her.

What was it this guy did again? she asked herself. Murdered...Diamond Tiara and...Silver Spoon?

The names sounded vaguely familiar to her, but she couldn't place where she had heard them. Meanwhile, everypony was looking at her. She had to do something.

"Steven Magnet!" she boomed, in the most royal voice she could muster. "I now command that you.....that you be........"

She trailed off. An uncomfortable silence descended on the assembled crowd. She stood on the podium, staring into the tear-filled eyes of the sea serpent. She sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry, everypony," she boomed. "But...I'm just not in the mood for this today!"

She sighed heavily again.

"The prisoner is free to go," she proclaimed.

Steven Magnet let out an ecstatic cry. Meanwhile, a discontented murmur ran through the crowd.

"Your Majesty!" hissed Evening Musk. "What in Equestria are you doing?!?"

"Something I should have done a long time ago!" she snapped. "We've had more than enough public executions in this country! Why can't we do something fun for a change?"

"Fun?!" demanded Musk incredulously.

"Yes, fun. You know, like a pinata party, or a sleepover!"

"A...a sleepover?!?"

"Yes! A huge sleepover at the castle, for everypony in Equestria! We could give each other makeovers, and tell ghost stories..."

She turned away from the podium, already getting excited about the prospect of a national sleepover. Evening Musk trotted quickly after her.

"Your Highness!" he cried. "I fear that you do not comprehend the gravity of what you are doing!"

She shot him an irritated glance.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

"Your Majesty, Diamond Tiara's father is one of the highest-ranking members in the Order of the New Moon! This...this verdict of yours is a grievous insult to one of your most loyal supporters! A supporter with powerful friends! Filthy Rich...he needs to see justice done!"

Black Snooty sighed.

"Very well," she said.

She ascended the podium once more. The guards had removed the noose from Steven Magnet's neck, but he was still standing on the gallows.

"Steven Magnet!" cried the Queen.

Once again, silence fell over the courtyard. The prisoner looked fearfully towards her.

"Steven Magnet," the Queen began again. "Your life has been spared. But I cannot allow you to walk away unpunished. For you have committed foal murder, one of the most heinous of crimes! And for that, I sentence you to...I sentence you...to..."

Several seconds of awkward silence ensued as Black Snooty tried to think up an appropriate sentence. Her mind raced. Then, all of a sudden, it came to her.

"Guards!" she cried. "Shave off his stupid mustache!"

There was a loud, effeminate shriek, followed by a boom as the sea serpent fainted, destroying the gallows with his ponderous bulk.

"Oh, this is not good, this is NOT good!!"

Evening Musk paced back and forth, his muttering voice echoing forlornly in the empty Hall.

"There's nothing to be done about it now," he muttered. "I'll have to smooth things over with him somehow! Perhaps if I offered him the Chancellorship..."

Black Snooty sat on her throne, watching him with an irritated expression.

"Oh, what's eating you now, Musk?" she demanded.

Musk glared at her.

"Your Majesty," he began, struggling to keep his voice calm. "I don't think you fully comprehend what you have just done."

"What do you mean? Is this about the National Sleepover? I mean, I suppose with our finances in such a state it will be hard to supply snacks and libations for the entire population of Equestria, but surely the Bank of Griffonstone will give us another loan--"

"Oh, will you forget about that silly sleepover!" cried Musk in exasperation. "This is serious!!"

Black Snooty's eyes narrowed.

"Are you suggesting," she said coldly, "That the National Sleepover is not a serious matter?"

Musk simply stared at her in disbelief.

"Your Majesty," he began. "Perhaps I didn't make this clear earlier. As you may have noticed, the political situation in Equestria is rather precarious at present, and--"

"Oh, is this going to be another of your tedious political lectures?" groaned Snooty.

"Yes!" snapped Musk. "And for once, you're going to listen to it! Your entire reign hangs in the balance, my Queen!"

"My reign?" asked Snooty. She frowned. "Are...ponies not...happy with me as their Queen?"

"Happy?!? You're asking if they're not happy?!? No, they're not bloody well happy! Haven't you wondered what all of those rebellions and assassination plots have been about?"

"Oh yes, now that you mention it, I was beginning to wonder about that..."

Musk buried his head in his hooves. He took a deep breath.

"Your Majesty, let me explain the current situation to you. Equestria is financially insolvent. We no longer have any coin left to pay our expenses. Basic public services that ponies take for granted are no longer able to be funded, and taxes cannot be raised any further. The citizens were already in an uproar over your various new laws and forced labor programs, and now they are perfectly livid.

"Naturally, I had planned for such contingencies when we took over, and I could have easily handled it if it was just the commoners we had to worry about. However, with all of your Majesty's summary executions, we've had a great deal of difficulty filling cabinet positions. Nopony wants to work for you anymore! Even the Order has begun to turn against you!

"And the largest and most powerful faction within the Order, the one that is most dissatisfied with your rule, is the faction headed by Filthy Rich! We need his support now more than ever, and you just slapped him in the face!!"

"I did?" Black Snooty frowned. "I don't remember slapping him in the face."

She furrowed her brow, trying to remember.

"Now let's see, who did I slap today...?"

Evening Musk groaned and raked his hooves through his mane in frustration.

"You didn't literally slap him, although you may just as well have!"

Black Snooty raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"I'm...afraid I don't follow you."

Musk groaned again.

"Steven Magnet murdered his daughter!" he cried.

"Did he?"

Black Snooty furrowed her brow. Sometimes, when she tried to remember certain things, her mind would seem to fill with static, and she couldn't think straight.

Musk sighed heavily and shook his head.

"I have no idea if he really did or not," he admitted. "But Filthy Rich believes he did, and that's all that matters. And you just set him free! That sea serpent was one of the most notorious foal murderers in Equestria, and you let him off with...with having his mustache shaved! Meanwhile, just this morning, you executed your Secretary of the Interior because he brought you the wrong kind of biscuit for breakfast! And serving you breakfast wasn't even supposed to be his job!"

"Well, whose job is it then?"

"It was the job of the last pony you summarily executed!!"

"Oh, right. That makes sense."

"Your Majesty, don't you understand?" cried Musk in exasperation. "Your rule is hanging by a thread, and this incident could very well be the last straw! If we don't placate Filthy Rich somehow, he's going to lead a revolt!"

Black Snooty clenched her eyes shut. The static in her mind was making her head throb, and Evening Musk's shrill voice was only making it worse.

"Oh, just...send him a muffin basket or something!" she cried.

Musk was incredulous.

"A muffin basket? A MUFFIN BASKET?!?" he stomped his hoof angrily. "We don't even have money in the treasury for a muffin basket!!"

Black Snooty rubbed her fetlocks against her temples.

"Oh, will you please just give it a rest?!?" she snapped finally. "I'm so tired."

However, instead of backing down as she'd expected him to, Musk turned and glared at her.

"Give it a rest?" he demanded incredulously. "Give it a rest?!?"

"Yes!" she cried. "It's your job to deal with all of this silly minutia, so just deal with it! I'm tired, and I want to rest!"

Evening Musk threw back the hood of his robe and stomped angrily towards his Queen.

"Now you listen to me, 'Black Snooty!'" he snarled angrily. "Do you have any idea what I've suffered for you? The sacrifices I've made over the years? The throats I've had to cut? The pacts I've had to make? The indignities I've suffered?!?"

"What in Equestria are you blathering about all of a sudden?" cried Black Snooty, rather alarmed by this uncharacteristic outburst.

"What am I blathering about?!? I'll tell you what I'm blathering about!!!

"I founded the Order of the New Moon! This intricate web of spies and deception and intrigue, running beneath the underbelly of Canterlot, I orchestrated the whole thing! I sacrificed! I bled!! And do you know why? It was all for you!!! To restore the rightful Queen of Equestria to her throne!!"

He spat.

"All for the glorious return of Nightmare Moon!" he snarled bitterly.

"I keep telling you, I'm NOT Nightmare Moon!" cried Black Snooty.

"Oh, I know that all too well! The real Nightmare Moon knew how to rule a kingdom! She would have put down any dissent in the ranks of her court, and ruled with an iron hoof!

"She would never have tolerated rebellious mutterings among her supporters! If Filthy Rich had risen against her, she would have squashed him like an insect, not...not sent him a muffin basket!

"The real Nightmare Moon would never have allowed herself to be swayed by feelings of pity or remorse or compassion! The real Nightmare Moon would have hanged that stupid Magnet guy whether he was really a murderer or not! The real Nightmare Moon would have killed Twilight Spar--GAAAAAAAAAAAK!!"

Evening Musk's neck suddenly snapped. The crack reverberated mournfully off the marble walls of the chamber. Black Snooty tossed his lifeless corpse onto the pile in the corner. She plopped down onto her throne and tapped her hooves against the floor, listening to the echo. She stared out into the emptiness of the Great Hall and sighed.

Now, she was truly alone.

Chapter Nineteen: ...And Fall

"Who are you?"

The filly sits alone on a rock. All around her is an endless gray landscape of stone, broken only by craters. The sky is a cold expanse of stars.

Across from her, a figure materializes. The figure of an adult. An alicorn. Her coat is black, her mane and tail a dark blue starry cloud. She is wearing some sort of armor. She looks great and terrible, like a Queen.

"Who are you?" the filly asks again.

"You know who I am," the alicorn replies. "You have always known me."

"Black Snooty?" asks the filly.

"No."

"Hokey Smokes?"

"No."

"Queen Meanie?"

"No."

"Ted Dansen?"

"What? No!"

"Um..."

The filly trails off. The alicorn sighs.

"I'm Nightmare Moon," she says.

"Of course!" exclaims the filly. "Wait, no: who is Nightmare Moon? And why does everypony keep thinking I'm you?"

The alicorn sighs again.

"I shall tell you a story," she says. "A long time ago, there were two sisters. Celestia, the eldest sister, would raise the sun in the morning, and Luna, the younger sister, would raise the moon at night.

"But over time, the younger sister grew resentful. She decided to rebel, and transformed into a wicked mare of darkness. She attempted to depose her sister, and take control of the realm, and so Celestia had no choice but to imprison her on the moon for one thousand years. The name of that mare was Nightmare Moon."

"Ohhhh, okay. So......Nightmare Moon is Luna then?"

"Yes."

"So that means you're Luna?"

"Well, no, not exactly."

"So then...Luna is you?"

"Er, well, she was me, but now she's not anymore."

"Uh, what?"

"Well, you see, I was born from Luna's anger at her sister."

"Oh, I see. So when she stopped being angry at her sister she wasn't you anymore?"

"Correct; she stopped being me."

"So then who are you?"

"I am, well, me."

"Who?"

"Nightmare Moon."

"So...Luna then?"

"No, Luna is a different pony."

"Oh. So, you're Nightmare Moon, who was Luna when she was mad, but now Luna isn't mad anymore, so you're just you now?"

"Er, yeah. Basically."

"Oh. Okay. So, uh, what was Luna mad about?"

"Luna was mad because ponies went to sleep at night."

"Oh. And now she's not mad about that anymore?"

"No, she pretty much got over that."

"Oh. So then what are you mad about?"

"I'm mad about...uh, I'm not sure actually. I think I'm mad about rainbows. Also, I'm still mad about everything that Luna was mad about."

"But all the stuff that Luna was mad about was all stuff that happened to her before she became you, right?"

"Right."

"And we're absolutely sure that you're not Luna?"

"Absolutely."

"So you're mad about something that happened to somepony else a long time ago, even though that pony isn't mad about that stuff anymore, and also you're mad about rainbows?"

"Uh, yeah. That pretty much sums it up."

"Oh."

The filly and the alicorn stare at each other for a long time.

"So then what am I mad about?" asks the filly.

"You're asking me?"

"Well, I'm you, right?"

"Um, sort of..."

"What do you mean?"

"Uh, well, you're basically me...if I were a filly."

"Didn't you used to be a filly?"

"No, I didn't. I've always been Nightmare Moon. It was Luna who used to be a filly. Before she turned into me."

"And we're still absolutely sure that you're not Luna?"

"Correct. Luna and I are two separate entities."

"Oh. Am I Luna?"

"No."

"Oh. Then who is Luna?"

"Luna is Luna."

"So then, neither of us really has anything to do with Luna?"

"Not really, no. At least, not anymore."

"But we're both Nightmare Moon?"

"Yes. Sort of."

"But Nightmare Moon is something that only exists because Luna got mad about something that she isn't mad about anymore?"

"Er, yes."

"Then...what are we mad about?"

"Um, well, I guess you're mad because Twilight Sparkle was mean to you a couple of times, and I'm mad because Luna was mad that ponies went to sleep a thousand years ago."

"That and rainbows?"

"Yes. Rainbows really piss me off for some reason."

"And we're absolutely sure that Luna's not mad about ponies going to sleep anymore?"

"Yes."

"And we're absolutely, positively sure that neither one of us is actually Luna?"

"Yes."

"Not even Luna in disguise? Like with a fake moustache or something?"

"Um, I don't think so. Let's say no. I'm actually getting a little confused."

"Me too."

For a long time neither of them say anything. The filly's tail twitches back and forth.

"Is something the matter?" asks Nightmare Moon.

"Well, it's just..."

"Yes?"

"It just feels like you kind of forced this whole 'transform into an evil alicorn for revenge' thing on me under false pretenses. And now I'm going to get in trouble because of all the stuff we did together."

"Well, to be fair, it wasn't really me that forced you to transform. It was basically that cult that started the whole thing. They wanted you to turn into Nightmare Moon."

"Oh. Well why did they want me to turn into Nightmare Moon?"

"Because they wanted Nightmare Moon to rule Equestria."

“But isn’t Luna Nightmare Moon?"

“No, as I've already explained. Luna and Nightmare Moon are two different ponies.”

"Who used to be the same pony."

"Er, yes."

“Oh. So this cult doesn't want Luna to be Queen instead of Celestia?”

“No, they want Nightmare Moon. Also, Celestia is a Princess, not a Queen.”

"Is there a distinction?"

"Actually, I'm not sure. Let's just play it safe and not even get into that."

"Okay. So let me see if I understand. Nightmare Moon was born because Luna was mad at her sister because ponies went to sleep at night. Then, later on, she stopped being mad about that and just became Luna again. But, some evil edgelord cult wanted Nightmare Moon to be Queen of Equestria, because I guess they think that one Queen is better than two Princesses, and probably also for some other reasons that only make sense to evil edgelords. Fortunately for them, Nightmare Moon still existed for some reason, even though Nightmare Moon was actually just Luna being mad about ponies going to sleep. Also fortunately for them, Nightmare Moon was still mad about ponies sleeping even though Luna wasn't mad about that anymore, and also she was mad about rainbows for some reason. So, they decided to use their evil edgelord powers to summon Nightmare Moon back into the world, except she came back as a filly for some reason, and that filly was me. Then, they abducted me and cast a spell on me so that I would remember I was actually Nightmare Moon, even though Nightmare Moon shouldn't technically exist anymore, in the hopes that I would use my hatred of rainbows and love of insomnia to depose Celestia and Luna and rule as Queen in their stead. Does that about sum it up?"

"Uhhhh, basically. Yeah.”

"Oh. Well then, I just have one more question."

"Which is?"

"What the actual fuck?"

Nightmare Moon sighs.

"Look, kid; you're probably overthinking this. To be perfectly honest, this premise never really made a whole lot of sense in the first place."

"Oh. So, uh...what's the meaning of life, desu?"

"Huh?"

"You know, why do we exist?"

“You mean, you and I specifically?”

“Yeah.”

"Um, in a nutshell? You and I exist because fans in 2011 would read pretty much anything that had ponies in it."

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Oh. Okay."

The filly and the alicorn sit together in the desolate moonscape, saying nothing and staring at the stars.

"...tho then the docktor thaid that I wathn't pregnant, becauth you can't get pregnant jutht from haffing a dream about Ted Danthen."

Black Snooty jolted awake. She looked around her in alarm.

"What the--how did I get here?" she demanded.

The little curly-maned filly next to her appeared startled for a moment. Then, she looked down at the ground with a disappointed expression.

"Oh, you mutht haff fallen athleep," she said. "Ith okay. It happenth a lot. For thome reathon, ponieth keep falling athleep when I talk."

Black Snooty's eyes darted around, adjusting to her surroundings. She was on a grassy hilltop, underneath the shade of an old elm tree. There was a building not far away, a schoolhouse by the look of it. She wasn't sure how, but she felt as if she knew this place.

She closed her eyes, inhaling the lilacs and the daffodils and the warm summer air. Yes, she remembered now. She used to come here, with her friends. Long ago; in a much happier time.

She took a deep breath, and suddenly it all came flooding back. She'd been a student at this school. She remembered school plays, and club meetings, and books and art projects and history classes. She'd had a life, once, and friends. She'd also had a mother. Why had she thrown all of that away? Was it to become Queen of Equestria? Why had she ever even wanted such a thing?

She'd made a real mess of things, since then. Her friends were in a dungeon now. So was her mother. She'd put them there. In retrospect, she wasn't even sure why. Most of her recent actions had made very little sense, she realized, and she wasn't entirely sure why she had done any of it. However, at this point, the reasons probably didn't matter. What mattered was that the good times were gone. She had thrown them away, and they weren't coming back. But perhaps she could atone...

"Um, Black Thnooty? Um, Your Highneth? Ma'am?"

Black Snooty returned her attention to the filly. She was a dowdy little thing: cream-colored coat, mane like a clown's wig, glasses, some kind of...undefinable odor...emanating from...somewhere. She'd gone to school with this filly, she realized, though she hadn't thought much of her at the time. And yet here she was, sharing her afternoon with the Evil Queen of Equestria; the usurper to Celestia's throne, the one everypony wanted to depose. After everything she'd done, this plucky, smelly, frumpy, ugly, disheveled, acne-plagued little bespectacled gremlin was sitting right here beside her. The way a true friend would.

"I'm sorry, Twist," she said. "My mind was elsewhere."

The filly smiled, a little sadly.

"That'th okay. Like I thaid, nopony lithtenth to me much."

"Twist," began Black Snooty. "The other foals at this school...they...they aren't very nice to you, are they?"

Twist shook her head.

"No," she said dejectedly. "Ith becauth I wear glatheth. And becauth I lithp when I talk. And becauth my breath smellth like kitty litter. My Dad even thinkth tho. And thith one time, when we all went to thummer camp, I accthidentally wet the bed, and thinth I didn't want anypony to know about it, I jutht thlept in it, and for the retht of the trip I thmelled like pee-pee, and everypony made fun of me for it. And then there wath thith other time--"

"Twist," Black Snooty cut her off quickly. "Er, this may seem like a delicate question, but have you ever heard a voice? Inside your head? A voice that...was telling you to kill everypony?"

Twist shrugged.

"Well shure, Your Highneth," she said. "We've all heard that voith. At leatht, I athume we all haff. I hear it all the time. But you can't let a voith in your head tell you what to do. It doethn't matter if ith telling you to kill everypony in Ponyville or to burn down the thcool or even to put a bunch of sharp thingth in your vagina. The way I thee it, even if I'm thad thometimeth, or if other ponieth are mean to me, it jutht meanth I haff to thmile even harder! Becauth Thelethtia'th thun will shine tomorrow! Or at leatht it would haff, if you hadn't put Thelethtia in prithon."

Black Snooty wiped the tears from her eyes. Well, to be fair, quite a bit of it was probably spittle; talking to Twist was a bit like having a conversation with a lawn sprinkler. But at least some of it, she knew, was tears.

"Inthidentally," went on Twist, "How egthacktly hath the thun been moving with Thelethtia in prithon, anyway? That'th been bugging the crap out of me..."

However, Black Snooty was no longer listening. She remembered suddenly why she'd flown all the way here from Canterlot, and what she'd brought with her.

"Twist," said Black Snooty. "I want you to have something. It's something that was...very important to me once. But somewhere along the line, I forgot how important it was, and now I don't think I deserve it anymore. I would be honored if you would wear this from now on."

Twist held up the cloth that the Queen passed to her, staring at it in awed reverence.

"Ith thith a Cutie Mark Cruthaderth cape?" she asked.

Black Snooty nodded.

"It is indeed," she said.

"Wow! That'th tho cool!" exclaimed Twist, a bright smile on her face. "I'fe alwayth wanted one of thethe!"

Black Snooty smiled. The excitement in the fugly little filly's eyes melted the ice in her heart like a cool island breeze. She suddenly felt wonderful, better than she'd felt in months. For the first time in a long while, the fog over her mind was lifted. Whoever or whatever she was exactly, she felt like herself. She cleared her throat.

"And now," proclaimed Black Snooty, in her most royal voice. "By the power invested in me as Queen of All Equestria and Some of the Lands Beyond Probably, I hereby induct you into the Esoteric Order of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Iä! Iä! Cmcthulhu ftagn!"

Twist tied the cape around her neck and saluted, beaming with pride.

"Wow!" cried Twist. "Thith ith...thith ith the motht wonderful thing that anypony ever gafe me..."

Black Snooty smiled.

"I only have one condition," she said. "That you wear it with pride. And that you always remember what it represents. And that you do your utmost to...to be a better friend to your fellow crusaders than I was."

Twist smiled brightly and gave a jaunty salute.

"Thath ackshually theveral conditionth" she pointed out. "But I underthant what you mean. And I promith I will do everything you thaid. N-nipaaaah~~!"

Black Snooty smiled.

"Nipah, Twist," she said, brushing various types of moisture from her eyes. "Nipah...and Tutturu."

She looked up, through the boughs of the old elm tree. The sun was shining bright against the sky so blue. In that moment, she was euphoric; all the doubt in her heart was gone. She knew what she had to do.

"Please excuse me now, Twist," she said softly. "I have some ponies to let out of the dungeon."

"Not so fast!"

The fancy voice coming from behind caught her off guard, but Black Snooty recovered herself and turned around slowly.

A hot gust of Summer wind rose up, blowing a tumbleweed across the schoolyard. The two ponies faced each other: one a tall, powerful and imposing alicorn, the other a humble earth pony clad in a tuxedo.

"Oh, it's you," the Queen said calmly, regarding her interlocutor with a serene expression. "My new Finance Minister."

Soup Du Jour smiled thinly.

"Oui Madame," was all he said.

"Are you here about the whole 'fiscal insolvency' thing?" asked Black Snooty. "Because I actually had an idea about that. What if, instead of trying to find actual money to pay our creditors with, what if we just printed up a bunch of worthless slips of paper and called it money? That way, we could just create as much of it as we want, and use it to pay ourselves. And even though it's worthless, everypony else would be forced to use it as if it were real money, because we would force them to. With violence. It would be a great way for us to keep running up an infinite amount of debt without having to actually pay any of it off!"

Soup Du Jour smiled thinly again.

"Oui Madame," he repeated. "It sounds like a perfectly evil scheme, quite worthy of Madame's reputation for villainy. And may I say that Madame has wedged in this political commentary most expertly and with maximum subtlety; nicely done. However, I regret to inform Madame that I am not here today in my capacity as Finance Minister."

Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"You're not?"

Soup Du Jour shook his head sadly.

"No, Madame. I regret to inform you that...this is a coup."

A gust of hot wind rose up again, blowing several more tumbleweeds between the two of them. Did Ponyville always have this much tumbleweed blowing about? Black Snooty wasn't sure, but she held still, her serene expression unchanged. Without taking her eyes off of her Minister of Finance, she spoke calmly:

"Twist," she said. "Perhaps you should run along home now."

Twist looked like she wanted to object, but the tone in the Queen's voice would brook no argument. The little curly-maned filly nodded soberly, adjusted her cape, and trotted away. When she was gone, the Queen returned her attention to her erstwhile Finance Minister.

"So what is this, Soup Du Jour?" asked Black Snooty, taking a step forward as yet another tumbleweed blew past. "High Noon? The final shootout?"

Soup Du Jour looked confused.

"It's...nearly five o'clock, Madame."

Black Snooty glanced at the sky.

"Oh, right," she said. She used her alicorn powers to adjust the position of the sun. Then, she cleared her throat.

"What is this?" she asked again. "High noon? The final shootout?"

Soup Du Jour smiled grimly.

"Something like that, Madame."

"Well, it's very dramatic."

Soup Du Jour adjusted his bow tie. He took a step forward.

"Madame was very cruel to me," he said. "All my life, I have dreamed of only one thing: to be a waiter. And you, your Majesty...you gave me this dream, let me hold onto it for just a moment, let me taste it but a little, only to rip it from my hooves and slap it into the dirt!"

"I have no idea what the buck you're talking about," replied Black Snooty. "I don't even remember who you are. You're...kind of a background pony, to be perfectly honest. If you really wanted to be a waiter so bad, you could have just told me. I could have made somepony else Finance Minister; it really isn't that hard of a job."

Soup Du Jour's expression darkened.

"Maybe you lie," he said. "Or maybe you tell the truth. It is of no matter to me, madame. Now that my one dream has been crushed, I no longer care if I live or die. But, while I still draw breath on this earth, there is one thing that I have left to do."

Black Snooty glared at him.

"You can't possibly think you can take me on," she said. "Or take on me. You'll be gone in a day."

"Oui, Madame," said Soup Du Jour. "And yet, I'll be coming for you anyway. As will my friends."

As if on cue, five cloaked, shadowy figures stepped out from the shadowy shadows.

"Allow me to present, Madame...the Elements of Harmony," said Soup du Jour.

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"The Elements of What?" she demanded. It sounded vaguely familiar...

Soup Du Jour smiled.

"Allow me to demonstrate, Madame," he said.

The first figure cast aside his cloak and stepped forward.

"Remember me?" he demanded. "My name is Filthy Rich. You killed my daughter, and I'm here to take revenge."

"Wait, what?" said Black Snooty. "I thought that Magnet guy was the one who killed your daughter?"

Rich shook his head angrily.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he demanded. "Just because you were able to fool the horse-police and those idiot detectives I hired, you can't fool me. I know it was you that killed my precious Diamond Tiara! And even if it wasn't you, who gives a damn? You're terrible at being the Evil Queen of Equestria! Literally anypony could do a better job than you! That alone is reason enough to depose you!"

He puffed out his chest, and Black Snooty saw that he wore an intricate medallion with a gem at the center, shaped like a purple diamond.

"I now wield the power of the Element of Generosity!" he proclaimed. "Because I give to charity sometimes, and even if I only do it as a tax write-off, it still counts!"

Another figure stepped forward and threw off his cloak. This one wore a medallion with a red gem, shaped like a thunderbolt.

"Remember me?" the rusty brown earth pony demanded.

Black Snooty squinted.

"Oh, yes, I think I do," she said. "Your name is Night Soil, correct? You work the reception desk at the castle."

"Yes," he said, smiling bitterly. "I have faithfully served you, my Queen, as well as the Order of the New Moon. My master, the great and powerful Evening Musk, served you faithfully too. And how did your Majesty repay that service? By killing him in cold blood, and tossing him aside like yesterday's garbage. Well, I've got more loyalty than that. And as it turns out, it's just the right amount of loyalty I need to wield this: the Element of Loyalty!"

The next figure stepped forward. This one was rather short, and seemed peculiarly non-equine in stature. When he took off his cloak, Black Snooty saw that this was because he was a miniature dragon.

"Remember me?" he demanded. "It's me, Spike. You know, your adoptive mother's faithful assistant? The mother you threw in the dungeon for literally no reason when you suddenly turned evil, also for no reason?"

He puffed out his chest, and Black Snooty saw that his medallion had a blue jewel that was shaped like a balloon.

"Now, I'm the Element of Laughter!" he proclaimed. "Because if I couldn't laugh at myself, I'd be dead by now!"

The next figure stepped forward. She was a rather stout middle-aged unicorn, with a pink coat and a blue mane done up in an enormous beehive. Snooty felt like she'd seen her somewhere before, but she couldn't place where. She wore a medallion with an apple-shaped gem in it, except the apple was orange for some reason.

"Oh, hi there, your Majesty," the unicorn said pleasantly. "It's me again, you remember? I'm Sweetie Belle's mom. You know, the poor little filly you've got locked up in your little ol' dungeon there?"

Black Snooty nodded. Of course; this was the unicorn who'd made the petition earlier that afternoon.

"Well, I'm sorry to do this, your Majesty, but I really want to get my little daughter out of the pokey don'tcha know, and well, ya keep on tellin' me to 'come back next week,' but I've been comin' ta see ya for weeks and weeks now, and ya never seem to remember me, and, well...I'm afraid I just don't have much faith left in bureaucracy, don'tcha know. So now, I'm the little ol' Element of Honesty here, because, well, I honestly just don't think you're doin' such a great job as the Queen of Equestria there."

The last of the five stepped forward. This one was only a filly. She tossed her cloak to the side.

"Hi, Pyx!" she beamed cheerfully. "Remember me? I'm Lemon Pledge, the filly who played Chimney Sweep #4 in your play! I'm here because they needed somepony to be the Element of Kindness!"

She puffed out her chest and showed off her medallion, which had a gem shaped like a pink butterfly.

Finally, Soup Du Jour returned to the fore, casting aside his tuxedo and donning an elaborate tiara.

"And I," he said with a dramatic flourish, "Am the Element of Magic, Madame."

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"How can a pony with no magic be the Element of Magic?" she asked.

"I...don't know, Madame," admitted Soup Du Jour. "But it was the last one left. And anyway, I don't think it really matters; this thing is almost over. Now, if Madame does not mind, I would ask her to please hold still, while we fire up a giant rainbow of destruction to blast her with."

"Well," began Black Snooty. "I think it's really great that you all have these matching disco medallions, but really this whole coup isn't necessary. I've actually decided I don't even want to be the Evil Queen of Equestria anymore, so maybe I could just abdicate and we'd all be happy--"

However, the others weren't listening. They had fired up some kind of magic spell, and were now levitating into the air, surrounded by a heavenly aura. Their eyes lit up with power, and suddenly a huge rainbow burst forth.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" cried Black Snooty, as the rainbow blasted into her very core with the heat of a thousand suns. She felt as though her entire being were disintegrating. Disjointed memories passed before her eyes: memories of hatred and betrayal; of rebellion; of a thousand years on the moon. She saw other memories too. She saw a young filly romping in the schoolyard with her friends. Laughing. Playing. Brutally murdering two other foals who had picked on her. Frolicking in their entrails.

As her body was consumed in the blinding. all-colored light, a final thought passed through her mind:

So THIS is why Nightmare Moon hates rainbows so much!

Then, there came a last surge of power, and Black Snooty's consciousness was finally rent asunder, her life and her memories scattered to the winds.

Chapter Twenty: How I Spent My Summer Vacation on the Moon

The sun hung cheerfully in a clear blue sky. Though it was still Summer, the hottest days had passed, and there was an unmistakable hint of Autumn on the breeze. All around the Ponyville town square, the hummingbirds hummed and the buzzards buzzed, oblivious to the solemn affair that was taking place before them.

In the center of the square stood a makeshift stage, a relic from the Spring Festival. Though for most of the townsponies it felt like that festival had taken place in another lifetime, with all that had happened since then they had never gotten around to dismantling it, and so there it stood.

The props and the scenery from the foals' play had all been removed, and in their place stood a raised gallery in which sat the two Royal Princesses, Celestia and Luna. Opposite the gallery stood a single young alicorn filly. The filly's coat was coal-black, her strange reptilian eyes a brilliant turquoise. A white and black racing stripe ran the length of her bright green mane and tail, a stripe that made her look like she could go really, really fast. However, it was clear to anypony who saw her that she would not be going anywhere especially fast today, for the filly wore a set of heavy shackles on all four of her hooves, and a magic-binding collar was fastened securely about her neck.

The filly glanced nervously about. Gathered on the lawn of the town square was a vast crowd of ponies, all of whom were glaring disapprovingly at her. She saw many faces that she recognized, ponies she'd once thought of as her friends. However, there was no friendliness in their faces now.

Princess Celestia cleared her throat, and the filly turned to face her. The Princess's expression was solemn and severe. The filly swallowed nervously.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," said Celestia, in her booming Royal Canterlot voice. "Citizens of Equestria. We are gathered here today to hear evidence against Pyx Trebuchet, who stands accused of high treason against the realm. Court prosecutor, you may proceed."

An officious-looking unicorn stepped forward, hemming and hawing and shuffling papers about. He peered disdainfully at Pyx through a pince-nez, and then cleared his throat.

"If it please the court," he began in a loud, theatrical voice, "I will now present the charges against Pyx Trebuchet. The Prosecution submits the following charges: that Miss Trebuchet did knowingly and intentionally collude with a nefarious organization called the Order of the New Moon; that the purpose of this collusion was to depose their Royal Majesties Celestia and Luna from their positions as rightful rulers of all Equestria; that she, along with these accomplices, did forcibly detain the Princesses in an unsanitary dungeon and prevent them from exercising their royal duties; that Miss Trebuchet did unlawfully proclaim herself Queen of all Equestria; and that in the process of carrying out her new duties did cause significant harm to the realm and its citizens.

"In addition to these most heinous crimes of treason, the Prosecution adds the following charges: 418 counts of murder, 673 counts of aggravated assault, 128 counts of embezzlement and misappropriation of funds, 3 counts of unlawful imprisonment of a minor, and 1 count of being a terrible OC. Please bear in mind that all of these charges cover the events of only three months."

When the charges had been read, the assembled ponies erupted into thunderous applause, hooting and hollering for Pyx to be sent to the moon. It was a full minute before Celestia was able to command order again. When the crowd had settled down, she cleared her throat and turned her attention to Pyx.

"Pyx Trebuchet," she said sternly. "You have heard these charges against you. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Pyx turned and looked at the crowd, their faces twisted with anger and hatred. She turned to the Princesses, their faces stern and unsympathetic. She swallowed.

Though outwardly she had again the appearance of an ordinary foal, she was no longer the innocent filly she had once been. The fog over her memories had been lifted; she remembered most everything now, the good and the bad. Though she still had no memory of who or what she'd been prior to awakening in the Everfree Forest that night, she understood that some part of her was the mysterious entity that had once been known as Nightmare Moon.

However, she was also herself. Though Nightmare Moon was a part of her, she knew that she was not Nightmare Moon, nor was she the creature that had called itself Black Snooty. Though that creature was an aspect of her as well, it had largely been destroyed by the rainbow blast, and she felt none of its lingering desires. She could, however, remember vividly everything that she had done while in this state.

After regaining consciousness in the schoolyard, she'd discovered that not only had she been returned to her filly body, but most of her magic powers were gone as well. Not only the awesome powers she'd wielded as Black Snooty, but the abilities she'd had from before were also diminished. She could no longer teleport at will, for instance. Though she was still an alicorn in appearance, as far as she could tell, she had no more power than that of an average unicorn filly.

Nevertheless, she remembered everything that had happened all too well. She knew that even if she was not Black Snooty anymore, the things that Black Snooty had done, all the harm she had caused and all the ponies she'd hurt; all of that was real. She had done it all, and she had to atone for it.

She swallowed again.

"Uh, fillies and gentlecolts," she began.

Her voice was small and frail again; the voice of a schoolfilly. She wished she could still use Black Snooty's Royal Canterlot voice; that would really have come in handy just then. However, there was no use fretting over it. She cleared her throat, and did her best to project as much bearing as her small stature would allow.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," she began again. "Citizens of Equestria. There comes a time in every young filly's life when she suddenly turns into an evil alicorn for some reason desu, and then tries to take over Equestria for some other reason desu.

"However, there also comes a time when, desu, for some completely different reason, she suddenly decides that she's had enough of being evil, and would like for everything to just go back to the way it was before, when she was just an ordinary schoolfilly who didn't have to deal with complicated stuff like statecraft and political intrigue. And for me, that time is now. Desu.

"While I know that the horrible things I did as Black Snooty can never truly be atoned for, I just wanted to say this to all of you:

"I'm really, really sorry desu, and I promise not to ever do it again. Nipah~~!"

A murmur ran through the crowd, and the ponies looked at each other with mixed expressions. Celestia and Luna sat upon their thrones, stone-faced, until everypony had settled down.

"Miss Trebuchet," began Celestia when the square was once again quiet. "The harm you have caused as Nightmare Moon, or 'Black Snooty' as you preferred to be called, is severe and irreparable. You imprisoned, tortured and killed hundreds of innocent ponies. You depleted the nation's treasury and destroyed the economy. You enacted numerous silly laws that will take forever to constitutionally repeal. You built an ostentatious gold statue of yourself in the middle of Canterlot that is...just a horrendous eyesore. The physical, mental, economic and emotional harm you have caused your fellow ponies is incalculable, and, as you yourself have said, these sins can never truly be atoned for.

"However.........you also said you were sorry. And in a world of candy-colored pastel ponies, that actually counts for quite a bit. As such, I am inclined to let you off with a warning."

Her eyes narrowed, and her voice became stern.

"However," she went on, "Any further shenanigans of this nature will absolutely not be tolerated, young lady! If you ever try to depose the rightful rulers of Equestria, and establish a brutal, tyrannical dictatorship rooted in violence and terror again, you will be grounded, missy, and don't you forget it!"

Pyx hung her head.

"Yes, ma'am," she said.

A murmur ran through the assembled crowd again. The general consensus among the townsponies seemed to be that the sentence was tough but fair.

"Now then," said Celestia. "Before I stomp my royal hoof and make the sentence official, is there anypony who would like to give testimony for or against Miss Trebuchet?"

"Yes!" a small voice boldly proclaimed, and three young fillies trotted onto the stage.

Apple Bloom gave a quick nervous glance at the crowd, and then turned to the princesses and spoke.

"Uh, fillies and gentlecolts," she began. "And citizens of Equestria and whatnot. Uh, my name is Apple Bloom, and this here is Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo."

"You were...Miss Trebuchet's friends, is that correct?" asked the Princess.

The three fillies nodded.

"Yeah," said Apple Bloom. "We were her friends. And we just wanted to say this:

"When we first met Pyx, we all thought she was kinda weird. She talked all funny, and she said a lot of really strange things that made everypony uncomfortable. But then, we all got to know her and we realized there were a lot of really great things about her too, things that made her special."

She looked to the others for confirmation, and they both nodded their agreement.

"But then," she continued, "She suddenly turned into an evil alicorn queen for some reason. After that, we realized she was just plain awful!"

Her two friends nodded in agreement once again.

"Yeah!" added Sweetie Belle. "Like, this one time, we all decided to take a trip up to Canterlot and see how she was doing. All we wanted to do was cheer her up and maybe see if she needed our help ruling Equestria, but she threw us in a dungeon for like no reason, and kept us there for a month!"

"Yeah!" chimed in Scootaloo. "And she put us in a cell with her crazy mom, who was having some kind of war flashback or something!"

"Oh yeah," said Apple Bloom. "I remember that. She was like hallucinatin' or somethin'. I remember at one point, she thought we were gremlins who had come to steal her Lucky Charms, or somethin' like that, and she kept firin' magic-blasts at us out of her horn! We were scared outta our minds!"

Celestia furrowed her brow in concern, and turned to Pyx.

"Miss Trebuchet?" she asked. "Did you really do this? Did you really keep your friends locked in a dungeon for an entire month?"

Pyx looked at the ground.

"I...uh...well, I did, yes. But...I didn't really want to. That whole thing was my Minister's idea."

"What do you mean it was your Minister's idea?" demanded Scootaloo. "Was he the boss of you or something?"

Pyx looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Uh, no. I was his boss, actually."

"So...were you afraid of him? Like, was he threatening to hurt you if you didn't keep us locked up, or something like that?"

"Uh, no. He was actually pretty afraid of me, as I recall."

"So..." Sweetie Belle interjected. "Basically, what you're saying is that you didn't want to lock us in the dungeon, but some guy who works for you and was scared of you somehow forced you to do it. And then, even though you wanted to let us out, and there was nothing stopping you from letting us out any time you wanted, you decided to just leave us in there for a month anyway. With crazy Old Maid Sparkle firing frickin' laser beams at us, no less!"

Pyx looked at the ground again, unable to meet her friends' accusing stares.

"Uh, yeah, that's basically the gist of it I guess," she admitted.

She looked up hopefully.

"But...I did say I was sorry! And that whole experience really taught me a valuable lesson about friendship! Nipah~~!"

"Oh, well, that's just great Pyx!" said Apple Bloom with a bright, ecstatic smile. "We're really glad you learned somethin'! Wanna know what we learned a valuable lesson about?"

"Um...yes?"

"We learned that you can survive in a moldy ol' dungeon for a whole month just by eatin' stale bread crumbs and drinkin' toilet water! And you can even fend off the rats if you got a sharp enough stick! But the downside is that you spend most of your time in there wishing you were dead!"

She turned to Princess Celestia.

"Did ya get all that, your Highness? Or would you like me to put it in a letter for ya?"

"Uh...yes," said Princess Celestia. "I think I caught most of it."

"Oh yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "There's something else, too!"

She turned to Pyx.

"Who told you you could give away your Crusader cape to Twist?" she demanded.

"Um, well...nopony I guess..." Pyx stammered. "...it just...kinda felt like the right thing to do desu..."

"You can't just admit a new member to the Cutie Mark Crusaders without talking to us first!" cried Scootaloo.

"Yeah!" chimed in Sweetie Belle. "We have bylaws for that sort of thing! You have to introduce a motion and have it pass by at least a two-thirds vote! Twist came by the other day saying you'd made some kind of 'royal proclamation' and let her join the club, and it was really awkward for us!"

"That was mean of you, Pyx!" chided Apple Bloom. "Gettin' her hopes up like that!"

"Yeah, and she was really upset about it, too!" added Scootaloo. "You should have seen it. She made a huge scene when we told her she wasn't actually a Crusader. Sweetie Belle almost got bucked in the face trying to take that cape back from her."

Sweetie nodded in confirmation.

"Didn't you even stop to think that maybe there was a reason we didn't want Twist to be a Crusader in the first place?" she asked. "Like, how she spits everywhere, and she smells terrible, and she's super annoying? I mean, there was this one time, at Summer Camp, when she peed in her sleeping bag--"

"Um, thank you for your...enlightening testimony, girls!" Celestia cut in. "I think we've heard all that we need."

She turned to her sister, who nodded quickly.

"Why don't the three of you take your seats?" she offered.

The three Crusaders looked like they had a few more things that they wanted to say, but they reluctantly trundled off the stage. Apple Bloom pulled down one eyelid with a hoof and stuck her tongue out at Pyx as they walked by.

"You suck, Poochie!" hissed Scootaloo. "Don't hang around us anymore!"

"Nipaaaah~~!" said Sweetie Belle mockingly. Then she turned her back on Pyx with a loud "Hrrmph!"

"So anyway," she said to the others as they were walking away, "What should we do about finding a new fourth member? I really think we should re-evaluate the whole Lemon Pledge question......"

Meanwhile, Celestia cleared her throat.

"Erm, well then. Was there anypony else who wanted to testify?"

"Yes!"

Pyx's head shot up at the sound of the familiar voice. Twilight Sparkle, sweating profusely with her mane in disarray, stomped out onto the stage.

"I would like to testify!"

"Mommy!" cried Pyx.

She tried to run to her, but remembered too late that she had shackles around her legs. She took half a step forward, tripped, and fell flat on her face. However, Twilight quickly closed the distance between them, stomping angrily across the stage and glaring down at the filly.

"Don't you 'mommy' me, you little hellspawn!" Twilight snapped.

She turned to the Princesses.

"Do you want to know what this little monster did to me?" she demanded. "She locked me in a dungeon for...I don't even remember how long it was! But there were these three horrible little gremlins in there, and they kept trying to steal my Lucky Charms! I'm pretty sure I was able to fight them off, but when I came to, I found those three fillies that were just talking locked in there with me. The gremlins must have been hassling them too, because they were scared out of their wits! They kept hiding under the cot and crying, and they wouldn't even speak to me!"

"Uh, Twilight..." began Celestia. "Are you...absolutely sure that's how it happened?"

Twilight shook her head violently, and conked the side of it with a hoof to try and knock the cobwebs out.

"To be perfectly honest, Princess, I'm not sure of much of anything anymore," she admitted. "But I do have one question I'd like to ask the defendant...if it please the court."

Celestia glanced at the court prosecutor, who could only shrug helplessly and nod. Twilight wheeled around to face the terrified, shackled filly.

"Pyx," she began sweetly, "Do you have any idea what 'delirium tremens' means?"

Pyx shook her head nervously.

"N-no, Mommy..."

"Well, LOOK IT UP SOMETIME!!" shouted Twilight. "And when you understand what it is, try and imagine going through it while locked in a DUNGEON, with three terrified fillies screaming in your ear!!"

She turned back to Celestia.

"Princess, do you remember that thing we were talking about? With the...eh...little creatures and all?"

Celestia hesitated, and then nodded.

"Well, you can forget I ever brought it up! I'm done!" she turned to glare daggers at Pyx for a moment, and then continued. "That whole biological clock thing? I'm over it now. I'm just going to take Rarity's advice and get a cat or something!"

Everypony watched in silence as she descended from the stage, stalked across to the other side of the square, and entered the liquor store. She emerged a few moments later, an extra-jumbo-sized jug of Pone's Farm floating in her horn aura.

"If anypony needs me," she shouted, "I'll be in the library!"

She stomped off down the main road, uncorking the jug as she went.

Celestia watched as her student slowly disappeared over the horizon, and then she turned to Pyx and cleared her throat.

"Ahem. Er, in light of this...new testimony...I've reconsidered my sentence."

Pyx swallowed.

"Pyx Trebuchet. As you are no doubt aware from your brief tenure as ruler of Equestria, the traditional penalty in these cases is imprisonment on the moon. Given the...rather forceful testimony from these last-minute character witnesses, I think that a sentence of...oh, let's say a thousand years, would be just. What do you think, my sister?"

She turned to Luna, who was staring off into the distance with an odd expression on her face.

"There's very little oxygen on the moon," she said quietly, to nopony in particular.

Celestia looked uncomfortable for a moment, and then cleared her throat again.

"Well then," she said. "If there is nothing else, let us carry out this sentence immediately!"

A loud "huzzah!" went up from the crowd.

"Prepare the traditional moon-transportation device!" cried Celestia.

"I took the liberty of preparing it before the trial began, your Majesty," said the Prosecutor, bowing.

"Then the prisoner will please follow me!"

Celestia nodded to Pyx, who was unceremoniously lifted to her hooves by a pair of powerful guards who fell in on either side of her.

"W-wait a minute desu--" she began, but the Princess was already several steps ahead.

The guards prodded her roughly, and she was made to march forward. Somewhere, somepony was beating out a somber march on a snare drum. She inched forward step by step, the shackles limiting her movement and making the entire journey unbearable.

At the bottom of the stairs stood a large trebuchet. Pyx wasn't quite sure how she had failed to notice it before, and yet there it was. For some reason, Spike was leaning against the launch lever. He wore a white, wide-brimmed, feathered pimp's hat cocked at a jaunty angle, and when he saw the procession approaching, he flashed them a mischievous grin.

"Mind if I do the honors?" he asked.

Princess Celestia smiled indulgently.

"Certainly, Spike," she said. "You've probably earned it. Also, it only makes sense seeing as how you're the only one present with opposable thumbs. I'm honestly not even sure why ponies would build a device like this, and yet here it is."

"Here it is," whispered Luna, staring at the device like she knew it well. She still had that faraway look in her eye.

Struggling now, Pyx was seized roughly by the guards and fitted into the sling.

"P-please, Princess Celestia!" she begged. "I-I swear I've learned my lesson, desu! I'll never take over Equestria and put my friends and family in a dungeon again, I swear! Nipah~~!!"

Celestia smiled sadly.

"I wish I could believe you," she said. "But I'm afraid my decision is final. Spike, if you would please."

The dragon nodded, and after giving Pyx a brief smirk and salute, he turned to the unicorn with the snare drum.

"Drumroll please!"

The unicorn obliged. Everypony held their breath as the drumroll built, and then finally Spike yanked the lever with a flourish, and the trebuchet launched its payload.

"TUTTURUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~!"

Pyx's long, mournful cry echoed across Equestria until it was out of earshot, as a green streak with a black and white racing stripe arced gracefully against the clear blue sky.

Princess Luna stood, watching in silence until it had vanished into the center of a ghostly, half-visible disc that floated in the afternoon haze.

"Bang, zoom," she said in a solemn whisper. "Straight to the moon!"

Epilogue: All Ye Who Nipah Must One Day Tutturu

The filly sat alone on a rock. All around her was an endless gray landscape of stone, broken only by craters. The sky was a cold expanse of stars.

She turned to her left. Nothing but rocks and craters as far as the eye could see. She turned to her right. More rocks, and more craters. As far as the eye could see.

She stood up, and began to walk. There weren't any noteworthy landmarks, so she just picked a direction at random. She passed rocks and craters, and then more rocks and more craters. From time to time she would pass small piles of bleached bones, that looked suspiciously like filly-sized pony skeletons. She began to suspect that she was not the first filly unfortunate enough to have displeased the Princess. Perhaps Mommy Twilight, being the favored student, had been more fortunate than she'd realized.

Eventually, Pyx grew tired of walking, and plopped down on the nearest comfortable-looking rock. She stared at her surroundings for awhile. Rocks and craters, as far as the eye could see. She levitated a nearby rock, looked at it for a moment, and then put it down again.

Lonely, isn't it?

Her head jolted up at the sound of the familiar voice in her head.

"Y-yeah," she said after a moment.

The voice didn't say anything else.

Pyx continued to stare at the rocks and craters for several minutes more.

"So...what is there to do up here desu?" she asked at length. The voice's reply was immediate:

Pretty much what you're doing right now.

"Oh."

She sat in silence for a while longer. Then, having little else to do, she stood up and began to walk again.

Don't worry, you'll get used to the solitude surprisingly quickly, said the voice.

"Is there anything up here besides craters and rocks?"

Not really, I'm afraid. But...why don't you go and have a look at what's inside that crater over there?

Pyx felt her head pulled by some unseen force towards an enormous crater on her left. She trotted towards it curiously, peering over the rim. It looked deep, and very, very dark.

Go down inside it, the voice encouraged. You'll find a path about halfway around the rim.

Pyx did as she was instructed, found the path, and descended into the crater. As the smooth stone walls of the bowl rose up around her, it began to grow uncomfortably dark. She lit up her horn, which cast an eerie green light on the path ahead of her.

Though the crater had appeared to be a smooth bowl from above, once she was down here she discovered that enormous boulders littered the surface, making it hard to see exactly where she was headed. The path wove around them in twists and turns, and soon she lost all sense of direction, having only the canopy of the stars overhead to tell her which way was up.

Not much further now, the voice assured her.

Sure enough, the path made a couple of twists and turns around a cluster of particularly large boulders, and then suddenly the ground leveled out and opened up, and Pyx discovered she was standing almost dead-center at the bottom of the crater. Ahead of her, amazingly enough, was an enormous stone castle.

"Wow..." she said out loud.

Do you like it?

"It's...really cool desu. Did you...build this?"

Yes, its construction occupied the better part of the first century I was here. In retrospect, I probably could have picked a cheerier location for it, but at the time I was paranoid about being watched by my sister. I knew there was an observatory in Canterlot with a powerful telescope, and so I decided to hide it deep inside this crater, where the light seldom touches.

"Wow..." said Pyx again.

She went inside. The layout was almost identical to the ruined castle she'd explored in the Everfree Forest, except everything was pristine and well maintained.

I cast a number of protection spells on it, the voice explained. After all, I didn't want all of my hard work to be undone by a stray meteor or something.

"That makes sense desu," said Pyx.

Following some strange instinct, she made her way through a series of twisting corridors. The passages of the castle were lit by mysterious glass orbs set in the walls, that ignited when she drew near and faded out when she had moved on.

Eventually, she passed through a narrow doorway into a staircase that spiraled upward for a long, long time. After ascending for what felt like forever, she eventually emerged into an enormous round chamber. Tall windows set at regular intervals provided a view of the gloomy crater spread out below them, and between the windows were shelves stuffed floor to ceiling with books. Most of them appeared to be quite old.

"How did you get all of these books up here?" she asked, somewhat awestruck.

The voice somehow gave her the impression that it was smirking inside her head.

Oh, I have my methods. Perhaps I will teach them to you, if you prove to be worthy of learning my secrets.

"Worthy?"

However, the voice did not elaborate.

Pyx continued to explore the library, scanning the titles of the volumes in the shelves. Most of them were written in Old Ponish, a difficult language that Mommy Twilight had only begun to teach her, and only then during her rare moments of lucidity.

As if reading her mind, the voice once again spoke up:

Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to learn. And I assure you, there is much that I can teach you. That is...assuming, of course, that you've had quite enough of Twilight Sparkle and her little...'friendship lessons'?

Pyx hesitated, but then nodded sadly.

"Hai desu," she said. "I'm pretty sure those days are over now."

Yes, well, as I've said, it's a bit lonely up here, the voice admitted. But you'll get used to it.

Pyx didn't respond, however. A particular book had caught her attention. It was lying open on a reading-stand near the center of the room. She approached it and scanned the letters, surprised to see that it was in a language she could understand.

"Legend has it," she read aloud, "That on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape."

She turned away from the book, and walked slowly to the nearest window. She stared out at the curving rock-strewn bowl of the crater, and the endless starry expanse overhead.

"Nightmare Moon?" she asked suddenly.

Yes, Pyx?

"How long is a thousand years?"

The voice laughed.

Oh, it's not as long as you think, child. It's not as long as you think.

Pyx smiled, continuing to stare out the window. Her gaze was drawn upward, towards the stars, and for the first time she noticed how beautiful they were.

"I'm glad to hear that," she said.

She looked up at the stars, and her smile widened.

"Tutturu~~!"

END

Author's Note

Closing credits theme:

I've had this parody rattling around in my head for a couple of years now, and I'm happy I found an opportunity to finally shake it out. Even though whatever relevance Past Sins might have once had (either in the fandom or the world at large) is probably well past its expiration date (and there may not be much of an audience for this), I still had a lot of fun writing it.

The original idea was to just do a straight-up scene-for-scene parody of the original with a much sillier character in place of the infamous Nyx. There were only two conditions that had to be met: the Nyx stand-in had to be as obnoxious a character as I could possibly make her, and the story had to end with her getting sent to the moon instead of redeemed. However, once I started actually writing the whole thing kind of went off on its own. I'm basically happy with how it turned out, but by the end of it I wound up feeling more attached to Pyx than I'd intended. I almost felt a little bad about sending her to the moon, hence the somewhat open ending. I'm debating whether or not it's worth bringing the character back at some point in a different story; I guess we'll see.

Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who took time out of their busy schedules to read this ridiculous pile of you-know-what that I word-vomited over the course of November 2022. It may not be great art, it may not even be passable satire, but hopefully I at least managed to amuse a few people. Whether you loved it, hated it, or felt no strong emotion one way or the other, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to leave a brief comment and let me know what you think.

Until next time. Nipah and Tutturu. Desu.

--David Foster Walrus
June 2023

Prelude: One Angsty Winter Night

A single blood-red leaf detached itself from the gnarled, skeletal finger of a tree and drifted slowly downwards, the last clinging ember of autumn burning itself out at last. Pale and ghostly moonlight drifted across a murky sky, illuminating a unicorn's face as he gazed mournfully into the reflecting pool before him. Haunting strains of Disintegration by The Cure bled from the cone of a nearby record player, drifting off into the night like a lost, sad spirit in search of a hug.

The unicorn continued to gaze at his image in the pool; at his worn and haggard features; at his dark and lonely mascara-lined eyes. Eyes that had lived so long; seen so much horror, and so much pain.

"Sadness," whispered the unicorn into the darkness. "Infinite sadness."

His horn aglow, he quickly levitated the quill pen down to the parchment spread out on the rock before him, and scrawled out the final line of his poem.

He brushed the mascara-tears from his eyes, and gave his work an appraising glance.

"Oh yeah," he whispered to himself, smiling. "That's good. That's the shit right there. The ponies in my writing circle are going to eat this up."

"Um, sir?"

The unicorn turned, ready to rebuke his assistant for interrupting his poetry-writing. Then, he remembered why they were out here in the woods in the first place.

"Yes, what is it?" he demanded, perhaps a little too harshly.

His acolyte, well accustomed to his master's moods, was unruffled.

"The preparations are complete."

Evening Musk smiled, and his horn lit up with a violet aura as he quickly gathered up the papers spread out before him. He stuffed them into his nearby saddlebag and switched off the record player.

Musk was a tall, handsome, well-proportioned stallion in his middle years. Ordinarily, his coat was the bluish slate-grey of fading dusk, but tonight he had dyed it black; as black as his very soul. His lavender mane, streaked with silver, was now midnight blue. He had enchanted his eyes into a turquoise color, the pupils resembling those of a kitty-cat or a reptile; a reptokitty, perhaps. He pulled up the hood of his black cloak and rose to his hooves.

"Then let us begin."

His acolyte, ordinarily a rusty brown earth pony by the name of Night Soil, had dyed and clad himself similarly, as had all the members of their order for the evening. The two ponies walked a short distance through the woods until they came to a clearing, where about thirty black-and-blue ponies, cloaked and hooded, were gathered in a semicircle around an altar.

"Brothers and sisters," proclaimed Evening Musk as he ascended the small mound of earth on which the altar stood. "Tonight, we shall reap the fruits of all of our months of effort and research! Tonight, Equestria shall bear witness to horrors and wonders beyond all comprehension! Tonight, we shall see...the resurrection of our Queen!"

There was a small but enthusiastic 'huzzah' from the gathered crowd.

Evening Musk glanced at the altar, pleased to see that the objects had been arranged as he'd asked. The fragments of armor were piled in the center, flanked on either side by a ceremonial dagger and an empty chalice. Directly above the pile, facing due East, was a small brazier in which incense crackled and burnt, causing an otherworldly aroma to waft out and mingle with the crisp night air. In the nearby village of Ponyville, the wrap-up had concluded and tomorrow Spring was here, but in the Everfree Forest Winter still held dominion.

Frowning, Musk suddenly noticed that somepony had also left a rubber chicken on the altar, presumably as a joke. He brushed it aside in irritation, and it fell to the ground with a light squeak. Someone in the crowd stifled a giggle.

He cleared his throat.

"Now then. Bring forth the sacrifice!"

Two more hooded ponies approached the altar from behind, dragging between them a pony-sized burlap sack, a sack that was shaking and struggling. A cold smile spread across Musk's face as it was tossed to the ground before him.

His horn glowed violet, and the rope that bound the top of the sack unwound itself. He peered inside, but immediately drew back as a thick odor of sour wine and B.O. assaulted his nostrils.

"Yecch, she smells like an old wino!" he grumbled. "Are you sure you grabbed the right unicorn?"

One of the hooded stallions, a muscular earth pony whose name Musk couldn't place, looked offended.

"We're not stupid!" he said defensively. "It was Celestia's star pupil you wanted, right? The one who lives in the tree?"

"Yeah, that's her, but...well, whatever; dump her out. Let's have a look at what we've got."

The two stallions each grabbed a corner of the sack in their mouths, roughly upending its contents onto the frozen ground. A purple unicorn tumbled out, sweating profusely and covered in mud and grime. In addition to being hog-tied at the fetlocks, a blindfold of the same rough material as the sack had been tied over her eyes, and a silver magic-blocking collar was fastened securely about her neck. Her lavender-blue mane and tail looked as if they hadn't been washed in days, but Musk observed that the distinctive magenta stripe was present. A glance at her star-shaped cutie mark provided the final confirmation: it was her.

"So," the burly stallion spoke again. "Did we grab the right one?"

Evening Musk nodded.

"Yes, this is her." His nose once again wrinkled with distaste. "But ugh, the smell! What did you do, marinate her in a vat of wine first?"

The stallion shrugged indifferently.

"She was like this when we found her."

The other stallion nodded in confirmation.

"Well, it's no matter," said Evening Musk, "This will all be over soon enough."

He drew up to his full height, smiling imperiously at his captive. He had waited months for this moment.

"So, Miss Sparkle," he said with an aristocratic leer. "How are we feeling this evening?"

The unicorn on the ground before him began to thrash around and groan.

"W-where am I?" she mewled, in a pitiful voice. "Who are all of you big, powerful, scary stallions? Are you going to rape me? Are you going to hold me down and have your way with me? Are you going to violate me, passing me back and forth like a helpless little--"

The stallion to her left rolled his eyes and gave her a sharp kick.

"Oh, shut up!" he growled. "For the last time, nopony is going to rape you. Stop asking!"

"Are you sure?" cried Twilight. "Because I really couldn't do anything about it if you did! And I certainly wouldn't say anything about it to the Princess! I mean, how could I even face her after something like that? To look her in the eye and tell her that a pack of hulking, muscular stallions had flung me to the ground and violated me over and over with their big, thick, veiny--"

"Can we gag her or something?" demanded the other stallion, the one who had spoken first. "Seriously; it's been all bloody night with this."

Evening Musk hesitated, but then nodded. The stallion quickly stuffed a cloth rag into the captive's mouth, temporarily stemming the torrent of vulgarity.

He cleared his throat again, once again turning to address the semicircle of hooded ponies who were still gathered patiently in front of the altar.

"And now," he proclaimed in a booming, theatrical voice. "I offer unto you this sacrifice! Drink of this unicorn's blood, My Queen, the blood of the very unicorn who hath cast thou into darkness!"

"Cast thee into darkness," corrected someone in the crowd. This was immediately followed by a muffled cry of pain as he was kicked in the shin by the pony standing next to him.

Evening Musk went on as if he hadn't heard.

"I offer you this sacrifice, O My Queen!" he cried, craning his neck upward towards the full moon. The ceremonial dagger began to levitate off of the altar. "Drink of this pony's blood, and BE REBORN!!!"

The deadly object turned suddenly, moonlight glinting off the blade, and then it flew towards the helpless mare. Instinctively, Twilight began to thrash on the ground once more, but the two stallions held her down. A muffled, pitiful shriek of terror pushed its way through the gag.

The crowd gasped as the floating dagger drew to a sudden stop at Twilight's flank, made a single, shallow cut, and then drifted neatly back to the altar.

"There we go," said Musk. "That wasn't so bad, now was it, Miss Sparkle?"

Musk now levitated the chalice and held it underneath the small cut, gathering a few drops of the unicorn's blood.

The two stallions, still holding Twilight, looked at each other and then back at Musk.

"Seriously?" said the large, burly one. "That was it? That's what you needed us to drag this mare all the way out here for?"

Musk, the chalice still floating in his horn aura, raised an eyebrow at them.

"Is there a problem?"

The stallion coughed.

"Yeah, well, it's just..."

"...it's just that we had to carry her all the way through town!" the other stallion finished.

"Yeah!" added his partner. "I mean, I don't think anypony saw us, but..."

"But what?" demanded Musk, thoroughly annoyed now.

"Well, I mean, it's just that...I thought this was like...you know. A sacrifice."

"It is a sacrifice. We are collecting her blood to resurrect our Queen."

The two stallions looked at each other again.

"Yeah, but..."

"But what?"

"Well, this wasn't an easy job, you know? Sneaking into Ponyville, kidnapping Celestia's little pet, carrying her around in a bag without anypony noticing...this was a pretty high-effort project."

"And?"

"...and...it feels kind of anticlimactic, you know? All that work, and you're just going to cut her leg a little and then let her go? That's...well, it's just kind of lame, is all."

Musk glanced at the moon. The window would be closing soon; he didn't have time to stand here and banter with these fools much longer.

"What would you prefer I do?" he demanded sharply.

The two stallions looked at each other again for a moment or two, while Musk ground his teeth in frustration. Finally, the smaller one spoke up:

"I don't know, maybe something a little more...sacrificey?"

"'Sacrificey'?"

"Yeah," said the bigger one. "We don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but...you could probably stand to zazz this whole thing up a bit, you know?"

"'Zazz it up'?"

"Yeah, you know; add some zazz. Some flair; some showmanship. Some panache. Maybe tie her to the altar, chant some spooky incantations, maybe...I don't know...maybe cut out her heart and eat it or something?"

"Yeah," the other stallion concurred, nodding. "I mean, it's like he said, we don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but..."

"...it just lacks zazz."

"Yeah, definitely. Zazz this whole thing up, is what we're saying."

There was a faint gurgling sound as Twilight finally managed to spit out her gag.

"Are you guys going to rape me or just talk all night?" she demanded.

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Evening Musk, aiming kick at her, which she dodged. Scowling, he returned his attention to his two accomplices.

"Listen, you nitwits," he snarled. "Do either of you know anything about the secrets of arcane black magic?"

The two stallions shook their heads.

"Oh, so you mean the two of you didn't spend the last six months delving into ancient, forbidden texts, studying the position of the heavens, scrying into crystals and mirrors and consorting with the foulest of spirits, in order to determine the most portentous time and method for accomplishing our Order's dark purpose?"

They hesitated, and shook their heads again.

"Oh, well; I guess it was me who did all of that, then. So, if there's nothing further, why don't you two idiots go and take your seats, and let me FINISH THE BLASTED RITUAL WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME!!!"

Meanwhile, Twilight rolled over and groaned.

"Hey, if you guys aren't going to do anything, could you untie my front legs at least? I'm starting to get a cramp..."

"AND TAKE THIS INFURIATING STRUMPET WITH YOU!!" Musk bellowed.

The two stallions turned sulkily away and did as he asked, dragging Twilight Sparkle behind them.

"This is the lamest murder cult I've ever been in," grumbled the larger stallion under his breath. His companion nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile, Evening Musk returned his attention to the altar. Still levitating the chalice, he emptied its contents onto the pile of armor fragments gathered at the center. As soon as the drops of Twilight's blood touched the metal, an eerie, dark aura began to take shape around the fragments. Evening Musk smiled. His efforts had not been in vain after all.

"And now, O My Queen," he proclaimed, once more craning his neck upward towards the moon, "I bid you...ARISE!!"

There was a sudden puff of smoke as the armor fragments ignited. A brilliant green flame erupted from the center of the altar, momentarily bathing the entire clearing in otherworldly light.

"Oooooh...." exclaimed the gathered ponies in unison.

The flame collected itself into a ball, floating into the air like a Will o' the Wisp.

"Aaaaah...." exclaimed the ponies. A few of them applauded politely.

Evening Musk's horn glowed, his brow furrowed in concentration. Now was the most crucial moment. He had to direct the dark energies in just such a way, or else who knew what might accidentally be pulled through the portal....

"FREEZE!! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!!"

His concentration broken by the sudden outburst, Musk looked up. He instantly lost control of the spell, and the glowing green ball suddenly zipped off into the surrounding forest and disappeared. In dismay, he saw that the entire clearing was now surrounded by pegasus guards, clad in the armor of the Royal Palace. Scowling, he turned in the direction from which the order had come. Sure enough, it was she who had spoken. Celestia. That bitch.

"Oooh, I hate her so much..." he muttered to himself, his hooves trembling with rage. All that planning, all that work...

A sudden yell from a member of his congregation broke Musk out of his reverie.

"IT'S THE FUZZ!! CHEESE IT!!!"

The hooded ponies began to scramble every which way, tossing their cloaks aside and breaking for the forest as Celestia's guards moved to intercept them. He saw a pair of grim pegasi gliding towards him, their spears brandished menacingly. Regaining his composure, he smiled.

"Not today, gentlecolts," he said.

He gave a low bow, his horn sparked, and in a sudden flash he teleported away. The two guards crashed into each other in the space where he'd been, and tumbled to the earth cursing.

"Your highness!" barked one of the guards, gliding in next to Celestia's chariot. The Princess turned and regarded him calmly. "We've managed to round up a few of them, but the others got away!"

Celestia smiled grimly.

"They were likely prepared for this. Don't trouble yourself; we'll track them down later. The important thing is that we stopped..."

She glanced around her, taking in the sight of the altar and its ceremonial instruments, as well as her student lying trussed-up on the ground nearby. Twilight was now snoring loudly, lost in a wine-induced bliss.

"...that we stopped whatever this was exactly," the Princess finished, a bit lamely.

She glanced around her once more. Two or three hooded cult members had been captured, and were now shuffling sullenly towards a nearby caged wagon, shackled at the hooves. However, it appeared that most of the group had indeed escaped.

Twilight suddenly snorted and rolled over.

"...oh no, get off me, I'm so helpless right now..." she mumbled.

Celestia rolled her eyes.

"If somepony will please load my student onto my chariot, I will escort her home," she said. "The rest of you, gather up these...items...and take the prisoners back to my dungeon. I shall wish to interrogate them later."

"Highness."

The captain of the guard gave a brief salute, and the order was swiftly carried out. The snoring Twilight was placed in the passenger seat next to her, and Celestia's chariot rose into the night.

Twilight smelled like Pone's Farm and sexual frustration. Celestia felt as though she probably ought to be at least a little bit cross with her, but then again, she had been a student once herself. Making friends could be tough. She wanted to just write this whole incident off as some kind of weird, geeky frat party gone awry, but some nagging instinct told her that there might be something darker at work here. Something about the way those ponies had been dressed...

Meanwhile, back in the clearing, the two remaining guards were cleaning up the last traces of the cult's presence.

"Man, we always get stuck with the shit jobs," grumbled Guard #1, stooping to pick up yet another discarded cloak with his teeth. He tossed it into the nearby wagon.

"Yeah, tell me about it," said Guard #2. "Look at all this junk. Cloaks, mascara, reptokitty contact lenses, more mascara...what kind of a freaky goth party did we break up, anyway?"

"Hey, speaking of goths, get a load of this!" Guard #1 called out.

Guard #2 trotted over to where his friend had opened a pair of saddlebags that lay discarded in the mud. A few sheets of parchment, covered with over-elaborate horn-writing, were spread out on the ground.

"What did you find?" he asked.

Guard #1 chuckled.

"Heh, check it out. Turns out one of these freaks was a poet. Listen to this:

"'Dark'ness consumes my immortal soul,
"'In my heart is only pain.
"'Infinite pain. (Infinite)

"'In the space betwixt light and shadow,
"'My soul cries out (cries out).
"'Tears of blood stream from my fetlock,
"'I know naught but the abyss.

"'My icy blue eyes like limpid tears,
"'Deep inside my soul cries out (cries out):

"'Sadness.
"'Infinite sadness. (Infinite)'"

The two of them burst out laughing.

"Wow, what a loser!" said Guard #2. "No wonder he was hanging out in the woods with a bunch of geeks dressed up like Nightmare Moon!"

"Is that what they were doing?"

Guard #2 shrugged.

"I assume so. Didn't you notice how they were all dressed up like Nightmare Moon?"

"I figured they were just furries or something," said #1. "I wasn't really paying that much attention."

2 shook his head.

"See, this is why you'll never get promoted to detective. You have to learn how to notice these things. Here, look at all this stuff we found: black dye #4 (Nightmare Moon shade), black cloaks with Nightmare Moon's emblem on them, Nightmare Moon wigs, official Plot-Topic-exclusive Nightmare Moon reptokitty contacts, a framed photo of Nightmare Moon, this limited-edition cassette bootleg copy of Nightmare Moon's demo album from when she was trying to become a folk singer, Princess Luna's memoir 'To The Moon and Back'..."

Guard #1 grunted, and began stuffing the papers back into the saddlebag. He seized it in his teeth and flung it into the wagon with the rest of the 'evidence' they'd collected.

"So, basically what you're saying is that these guys were some kind of Nightmare Moon fan club?"

"Seems that way."

"Should we tell the Princess?"

"I already put it in my report. Anyway, hell; I'm beat. I think we pretty much collected everything. What do you say we head down to the Rusty Horseshoe and tie one on?"

Guard #1 grinned broadly.

"Now you're talkin'. Hey, what's that over there?"

His outstretched hoof pointed toward a patch of thicket at the edge of the clearing, from which an eerie green glow was emanating.

Guard #2 squinted at it for a few seconds, and then shrugged.

"I don't know," he said. "Probably nothing. Somepony dropped a glowstick I guess."

"A glowstick?"

"Yeah. All these raver-types like to wave glowsticks around when they dance. It's part of their religion or something."

Guard #1 frowned.

"Ravers? I thought you said they were goths."

2 shrugged disdainfully.

"Goths, ravers, furries; same damn difference. It's all a bunch of bmm-tss, bmm-tss techno-crap as far as I'm concerned. Me? I likes me some good old-fashioned rockabilly."

"Amen to that."

Guard #1 stepped into the wagon's harness. The two guardponies spread their wings and glided off into the night. Meanwhile, in the thicket, the eerie green light continued to pulse and glow.

Chapter Four: Rarity Actually has Terrible Fashion Sense

The following morning, Spike woke up early so he could get breakfast ready. However, to his surprise, Twilight was already seated at the kitchen table. Her eyes had heavy bags underneath them; she didn't look like she'd slept at all.

"Oh, hey Spike," said Twilight. "I was just about to wake you up. Could you fix me some oats?"

Spike grunted.

"I live to serve you, my liege," he said dryly.

"Please, Spike, don't get cute. I'm not in the mood for it."

"When I'm being cute I'll tell you. Anyway, you look awful. Didn't you get any sleep at all?"

Twilight yawned.

"I think I nodded off a little around four or five."

"Well, that's something at least. Want some coffee?"

"Yes please."

Spike filled the kettle and put it on the stove, alongside a pot of water for the oats.

"So, uh, any sign yet of 'she who shall not be named?'" he asked.

As if on cue, there came a sound of tiny hooves clip-clopping down the staircase. Twilight's expression brightened.

"Well hay there, little miss sunshine!" she said.

Pyx stared blankly from Twilight to Spike and back again. Her mane was a complete mess, and bright red streaks of bloodshot ran through the whites of her eyes.

"M-my head hurts..." she said.

"Well, that's because you got into Mommy's happy-juice last night, you naughty little filly!" chirped Twilight. "Hey, wait a minute, did you just talk?"

Pyx blinked.

"Uh...yeah? Should I not have?"

Spike walked over to the kitchen table, holding a jug full of cream for Twilight's coffee.

"Oh, good morning Trebuchet!" he said.

"Tre-trebuchet?"

The little filly looked confused.

"Spike!" Twilight glared daggers at her dragon, who smirked. "I told you not to call her that! And why don't you have your apron on?"

Spike grunted, dropped the jug on the table, and stalked out of the kitchen.

"My name is Trebuchet?" the filly was looking inquisitively at Twilight. Twilight shook her head.

"Don't be silly," she said, "Your name is Pyx, isn't it?"

"Pyx?"

"Isn't that your name?"

"My name?"

The filly looked confused again.

"Don't you have a name?"

"Of course she has a name," said Spike, reentering the room with his apron on. "She just can't remember it, can she? She's just a cute wittle filly-willy with a bad case of amnesia-wesia, isn't she?"

He rumpled the filly's already-rumpled mane as he walked past her, pushing into her scalp hard enough to make her grimace. Twilight shot him a dirty look.

"Tell you what," he went on, smirking back at Twilight. "We'll give you three tries to guess what your name is, and if you can't guess it, you have to go back to the Everfree Forest forever!"

"SPIKE!!" Twilight was exasperated.

However, the filly looked at Spike with a completely serious expression.

"Hmm...I get three guesses?"

Spike nodded brightly.

"Absolutely!"

"What happens if I guess right on the first try?"

Her confidence threw him off balance a little.

"Uh, well, you get--"

"I'll tell you what you get," Twilight cut in. "If you guess right on the first try, I'll make Spike put on that full-body teddy bear costume I got him for last year's Hearth's Warming that he never wears for some reason."

"What?!?"

"And he has to wear it all day!"

"Hey, wait a minute..."

The filly considered this for a second, and then nodded enthusiastically.

"All right!" she said.

Her brow furrowed in concentration.

"My name is......" her furrow deepened. "My name is..."

Her expression suddenly brightened again.

"Pyx Trebuchet!" she beamed.

"WHAT?!?" bellowed Spike.

Twilight grinned at him.

"You heard her, Spike! Her name is Pyx Trebuchet!"

"Oh, come on--"

"Nope, rules are rules!"

"But--she just--"

"Can you prove that her name isn't Pyx Trebuchet?"

"Uh......no."

Spike looked back and forth between Twilight and the filly, realizing too late that the jaws of the trap had already closed around him.

"Well, then that settles it!" said Twilight. She turned to the filly. "Your name is Pyx Trebuchet, and from now on we will just call you Pyx for short!"

"Pyx!" agreed Pyx, smiling happily.

Spike glared at her.

"I already hate you more than words can describe," he muttered.

"What was that, Spike?" asked Twilight. "It sure didn't sound like a dragon heading off to put on his full-body teddy bear costume!"

Spike stomped out of the room, grumbling as he went, wearing the expression of a condemned man on his way to the gallows.

An hour later, Twilight was trotting gaily down Ponyville's main thoroughfare, in the direction of Carousel Boutique. Her horn was aglow, and in its aura floated the handle of a long leash, the other end of which was attached to a collar. The collar was fastened securely around the neck of a teddy bear with the face of a baby dragon, who plodded dully alongside her.

"Twilight, this is humiliating!" whispered Spike.

"For the last time, Spike, you lost a bet!" said Twilight cheerily. "Be a dragon and take your punishment!"

"Yeah, I know, but..." he trailed off. The mares on the street kept looking at him, whispering and giggling to each other. His cheeks burned, and he stared at the ground.

"Why did I have to come?" he demanded suddenly. "I thought the whole point was to not draw attention!"

"The point was to not draw attention to Pyx," said Twilight. "That's why we're using you as a distraction. You're doing an excellent job, by the way!"

Spike muttered something unintelligible but murderous-sounding.

"Oh, cheer up, Spike!" continued Twilight pleasantly. "Besides, I thought you'd be excited about going to see Rarity!"

"Well, that depends," said Spike.

"Depends on what?"

"On whether you're willing to kill me and dump my body in the river before she sees me in this thing."

"No such luck, Spikey-Wikey!" chirped Twilight.

Pyx, who was more or less following Twilight's instruction to stay hidden under her mane, poked her head out once again to take a quick, curious look at the town. She noticed Spike watching her, and smiled happily at him. Spike glared at her in response.

"Just you wait," he muttered. "One of these nights, I'm going to throttle you in your your sleep."

Pyx stuck out her tongue, and ducked back inside Twilight's mane.

"Oh, Spikey-Wikey, you look simply adorable!!" Rarity cried as she opened the door.

Twilight trotted calmly into the shop while her unicorn friend fussed and fretted over Spike, who looked like he wanted to take a flying leap off the Manehattan Bridge. She glanced around; good, there were no other customers in the store.

"Rarity, are you busy right now?" she asked.

Rarity turned her attention away from Teddy-Spike.

"Not just at the moment, darling," she said.

"Would you mind closing up your shop for a bit?"

"For how long?"

"Oh, not too long. Maybe half an hour or so."

"Well, I suppose it's possible," mused Rarity, "I don't usually get busy until after lunchtime anyway. But what is this about, darling?"

"I have a request for you, and it's a bit...delicate."

"Oh, I see," said Rarity. She leaned forward and whispered. "Have you finally decided to do something about your mane?"

"What? My mane?" Twilight looked confused. "No, that's not it at all. What's wrong with my mane?"

"Er...nothing, darling. Forget I said anything." Her horn glowed, and the lock to the door slid into place. She flipped the sign hanging in the window from 'Open' to 'Closed.' "Now, tell me what I can do for you."

"Well..." said Twilight.

Her horn lit up, and she levitated out a little black bundle that had been tucked underneath her mane. Rarity frowned, and took a couple of tentative steps closer. Then, suddenly, there was a bright flash, and Pyx appeared in the air in front of her.

"NIPAAAAH~~!" she beamed.

"WAAAH!!" cried Rarity, taking several surprised steps backward. There was a yowl and a hiss as she accidentally stepped on the tail of Opalescence, her pet cat.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Opal dear," she said. The cat hissed again in response, and darted into a pile of fabrics in the corner, where it continued to watch all of them suspiciously.

Meanwhile, Pyx had fallen to the floor with a plop, and was now seated on her haunches, looking curiously around at Rarity's store. Rarity appraised her with interest.

"Why, Twilight," she said. "You have...a filly? Is she...er...yours?"

"Not...exactly..." admitted Twilight.

"Oh, so you adopted her! How absolutely smashing!"

"Well...not quite. It's not exactly..." she trailed off, searching for the right word.

"...legal?" offered Spike.

"Oh, be quiet Spike!" said Twilight. "No; well, I mean yes, it's not exactly legal, but it's not exactly illegal either, I just--"

"--abducted a strange foal you found lost in the woods, without bothering to alert the proper authorities?" finished Spike.

"Oh......go put your apron on!" Twilight cried, exasperated.

"It's all the way back at the tree," said Spike. "And besides, it won't fit over the teddy bear costume."

"I'll make it fit!" snapped Twilight.

"Twilight, darling," interjected Rarity. "You really mustn't get so worked up!"

She glanced at Pyx, who was still smiling brightly and looking around the store. She pulled her friend aside confidentially.

"Is she...hot?" she whispered.

"Hot?" asked Twilight, confused.

"Yes, dear; hot. You know: stolen, foal-napped, abducted, absconded with; that sort of thing. Somepony the gendarmerie might be looking for?"

"What? No! At least, I don't think so. I just found her in the woods. She was all alone...with nopony to take care of her..."

Twilight had that wistful, motherly look in her eye again. Spike rolled his eyes.

"Oh, well, then there's nothing to be concerned about, is there?" said Rarity pleasantly.

"Umm...really?"

Twilight stared at Pyx, then back at Rarity, then at Spike, then back at Rarity.

"Really...?" she asked again.

"Why of course, darling. Whatever did you think the matter was?"

"Well, it's just that you seem to be taking this awfully well."

"How else should I take it, darling?"

"I don't know...I mean, I appreciate your being so calm about it, but..."

Rarity sighed.

"Look, darling," she said. "There's really nothing to worry about; trust me. We all have that...impulse...at times."

"Impulse?"

"Yes, dear, it's your biological clock."

"My biological clock?"

"Why, of course! That natural impulse that all mares have to...you know. Multiply, fructify, procreate. To experience the joys of motherhood."

"Oh, well, I mean..."

"Don't be embarrassed, darling; as I said, it happens to all of us. Don't you remember what Rainbow Dash tried to do with Scootaloo?"

"The whole town remembers that, Rarity."

"Of course! And nothing serious happened to her, did it? A quick fine, a few therapy sessions, a restraining order, and the whole matter was swept cleanly under the rug. Absolutely nothing to worry about, darling. You see? We all do silly things from time to time; Celestia is quite understanding about it..."

"Um, well, actually, I know Princess Celestia, and she's really not that understanding; she can actually get pretty crazy sometimes..."

Rarity continued talking; she was completely ignoring her now.

"...oh, and I can certainly understand how it must be for you, all cooped up in that library, studying all the time..."

"I like studying."

"...and you've simply no hope of finding a stallion, not in your current state..."

"Wait, what? A stallion?!? Hey, what do you mean, 'in my current state'?"

Rarity blinked, as if she'd forgotten Twilight was even in the room. She cleared her throat.

"Oh. Well, yes dear. There's your mane, and the constant drinking, and then, well...how do I put this delicately..."

She leaned forward and whispered:

"You've put on a bit of weight, darling."

"Wait, what?!?" demanded Twilight. "What's wrong with my--"

She shook her head angrily. She didn't have time for this.

"Look, can you help me or not?!?"

Rarity looked a bit confused.

"Help you? Oh, well, darling, all you really need to do is exercise a little and cut back on the sweets--"

"Not with my weight!" shouted Twilight. "With...you know. Her!"

She pointed with her hoof. Pyx was in the corner, tentatively poking at Opalescence. The fat, fluffy cat growled and took an angry swipe at her nose with a claw. Pyx teleported a few feet backwards in alarm.

Rarity glanced at the foal and then back at Twilight.

"What exactly is the matter with her, darling?"

"RRRRRRRGH!" cried Twilight. "LOOK at her! I can't exactly walk around town with her, looking like that, can I?"

Rarity shrugged.

"I suppose the racing stripe is a bit much, but honestly you could cover that up with some dye--"

"I'm not talking about her racing stripe!" cried Twilight. "I like the racing stripe!! It makes her go faster!!"

"She does look like she could go pretty fast," admitted Rarity.

"I'm talking about......RRRRGH!!" cried Twilight again. "Just LOOK! Look at her wings! Look at her horn! She's an alicorn for crying out loud!!"

Rarity laughed.

"Oh, darling, is that all you're worried about? Why, alicorn foals are all the rage this season! If anything, the other ponies will be absolutely green with envy that you've managed to find one, and an authentic one at that! I must admit I'm a little jealous myself; I would love to have a little alicorn filly to show off around town! Why, just the other night, I got into the most awful row with Sweetie Belle! I designed the cutest little set of wings for her, and she refused to put them on, so I had to chastise her quite severely--"

"Look, never mind about all that!" Twilight interjected quickly. "It's not just that she's an alicorn! Look at her eyes! Doesn't she...you know? Remind you of anypony?"

Rarity looked. She didn't see anything. She trotted over to where Pyx was now pushing some rolls of fabric around on the carpet.

"Please leave that alone, darling, I've only just organized it," she said. "Now look up here, I need to see your eyes."

Pyx looked up in surprise as the older unicorn seized her chin lightly in a magic aura and turned her head back and forth to examine her. Rarity studied the eyes for a few moments and let her go.

Twilight was watching her expectantly.

"Well......?" she asked.

"Well......" said Rarity.

The silence endured for a few seconds.

"......does she remind you of anypony...?" Twilight finished.

"Er, well, she does sort of look like...a reptokitty?"

"RRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!" shouted Twilight. "SHE LOOKS LIKE--"

She suddenly caught herself, realizing that Spike and Pyx were staring at her. She covered her mouth, wrapped a foreleg around Rarity, and pulled her aside.

"SHE LOOKS LIKE NIGHTMARE MOON!!" she hissed.

Rarity glanced over her shoulder, studied the foal for a moment, and then looked back at Twilight.

"I'm afraid I don't see it, darling."

Twilight was beside herself.

"How could you not see it?!?" she hissed. "I mean, LOOK AT HER!! She's the spitting image of Nightmare Moon!!!"

Rarity glanced at the filly again, shrugged, and then cleared her throat.

"Erm, Twilight if it's not a delicate question, how much wine have you had to drink this morning?"

Twilight waved a hoof dismissively.

"Oh, like three...maybe four glasses at the most. I'm not hallucinating, Rarity! Do you honestly not see it?"

Rarity smiled apologetically.

"I'm afraid I don't, darling. But, I am happy for you that you've found such a wonderful and...unique foal for yourself. And I do hope Celestia doesn't try to take her away from you. However, I really must get the shop back open--"

"Hold on!" cried Twilight. "Look, the reason I came over here today is...I wanted to call in that favor."

"Favor?"

Rarity's expression was blank.

"Yeah. Remember? Yesterday, you said you owed me a favor."

"I did?" Rarity blinked. "Oh wait, yes; I remember that now. But darling, I didn't expect you to take me so literally--"

"I take everything literally!" proclaimed Twilight. "Now then, here is what I want you to do: Rig up some kind of vest or something for Pyx to hide her wings, and find her a pair of glasses she can wear. I'll enchant the glasses, and that should hide her eyes. Also, if anypony asks: she's my cousin and she's visiting from Detrot!"

"Err...okay, darling. I'll go in the back and see what I have in stock that would fit her."

About ten minutes later, Rarity, Twilight and Spike stood in a small circle around Pyx, examining Rarity's latest...creation. The small filly was clad in a slightly ill-fitting leopard-print vest, her mane swept backwards behind a cheap leopard-print headband. A pair of glasses with thick black frames sat on her nose. The glasses had been enchanted by Twilight, and her eyes, while still the same shade of turquoise, now looked like those of an ordinary filly.

Twilight rubbed a hoof under her muzzle, appraising her friend's work.

"Well, she looks pretty much normal," she admitted finally. "The vest hides her wings, and as long as she keeps her glasses on her eyes shouldn't be a problem. Um...do you really think that leopard print is the best choice for her though?"

"Of course, darling," assured Rarity. "Leopard print is just one of those things that never goes out of style, like cargo shorts or baseball caps. And just look at her! Doesn't she look simply adorable?"

Pyx had her chest puffed out and was looking perfectly thrilled with herself, strutting back and forth in front of the mirror.

"Well, I guess if she's happy with it..." mused Twilight. "How do you like your new clothes, Pyx?"

Pyx smiled brightly.

"Nipah~~!" she beamed.

Rarity looked confused.

"Nee-pah?" she whispered.

Twilight shrugged.

"Don't ask me; she just started doing that. Anyway, thanks for your help."

"Don't mention it, darling! Anything to help one of my dear, dear friends!"

"How much for the clothes? I'm not sure how much I have on me, but--"

"Oh, I wouldn't think of charging you, Twilight! It's as you said, I owed you a favor; and I am the Element of Generosity after all. Just be sure that if anypony asks you where your...er, cousin...got her fabulous outfit, you tell them to head for Rarity's Carousel Boutique! And if you like, you can also put in a good word for me to the line of customers that have been waiting patiently outside my door while I helped you attire your stolen filly free of charge."

"Err...yeah. I'll be sure to do that," said Twilight. "Thanks again, Rarity."

"Certainly, darling! I'll see you later. Goodbye, Pyx~! Goodbye, Spikey-Wikey~!"

Rarity unlocked the door and switched her 'Closed' sign back to 'Open'. Twilight, Spike and Pyx stepped out into the sunshine. About seven or eight mares were lined up outside, tapping their hooves impatiently. Several of them gave Twilight a dirty look as she walked by.

Author's Note

A note on Pyx's speech:

There is a trope in anime in which the protagonist discovers a lost amnesiac girl somewhere and takes her home with him I am not sure what the technical term for this is, but I assure you that I am a certified anime pro and you can take my word that it exists. The girl is usually mute when first encountered, although she may often repeat a single cute word over and over, which then becomes her name; however, most of the time she conveniently regains her entire vocabulary before it starts getting annoying. The girl will also usually turn out to be some kind of super-powered-something-or-other that someone powerful or evil discarded by mistake. Examples of this would be Chobits, This Ugly Yet Beautiful World, Elfen Lied, DearS, and probably a few others.

In satirizing an iconic OC like Nyx, I wanted to make sure that Pyx was as insufferable a character as I could possibly make her. And, since the premise of Past Sins always reminded me of this sort of anime, I decided to make Pyx into an annoying composite of various anime girls. The catch phrases she uses throughout the story are all famous anime catch phrases: