Chapter Eleven: Cry "Nipah" and Let Slip the Pones of War

Pyx stared out the window, lost in thought. Miss Cheerilee was at the front of the class, reading the day's lesson. Pyx loved school, particularly history, and today's lecture was about an ancient Equestrian countess named Elizabeth Baythory, who had tortured over one hundred foals to death in her dungeon of despair. It was the sort of lecture that Pyx loved, and it should have had her on the edge of her seat with excitement, but for some reason she just couldn't concentrate on school today.

She'd been eavesdropping on Mommy Twilight's conversation that morning, of course. She hadn't been able to hear most of the details, but she knew it had something to do with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and how they were still missing. Something about that made her feel queasy inside. She didn't know what had happened to those two that night they'd all been lost in the woods together -- nopony did, after all -- but she knew that something had happened. Something that had taken place after they'd ditched her and before Mommy Twilight had found her. Something she couldn't remember, or maybe didn't want to remember.

"Pyx!" somepony whispered.

She looked away from the window, and saw that everypony was staring at her. Miss Cheerilee was staring at her. They all looked like they were expecting her to say something. She stared blankly at them all for a moment. Normally, Mommy Twilight's voice in her head would give her advice in situations like this, but the voice had been strangely silent lately. It hadn't spoken since that night in the woods.

She realized she needed to say something.

"N-nipah~~!" she said, beaming.

Miss Cheerilee smiled.

"Excellent!" she said. Then, she turned back to the chalkboard and began writing.

Pyx glanced around her. The desk to her right, the one that Diamond Tiara had sat in, was empty, but the one on her left was Sweetie Belle's. She leaned over and whispered:

"What's going on?"

Sweetie Belle looked surprised.

"Weren't you paying attention?" she whispered back.

Pyx shook her head.

"Oh," whispered Sweetie Belle. "Well, the class is putting on a play for the Ponyville Spring Festival, and you just agreed to direct it! AND play the lead role!"

Soup Du Jour was doing his best to look inconspicuous. Most ponies would find that rather difficult in this situation: at present, he was squatting in the bushes near the elementary school, watching a group of foals through a pair of binoculars. However, for Soup Du Jour, looking inconspicuous was not at all difficult, even in the most conspicuous of circumstances. Looking inconspicuous was something of a specialty for him.

The story of how Soup Du Jour had come to this point, to be squatting in these bushes, looking so conspicuous and yet so inconspicuous, is long and sad. And yet, it is a story that must be told if we are to understand him.

As far back as he could remember, Soup Du Jour had always wanted to be a waiter at a fancy restaurant. It was in his very blood: his father had been a waiter in a fancy restaurant, as had his father before him, and his father before him. He was the last in a long, long line of fancy waiter-ponies. Surely, he felt, it would be his destiny to follow in their hoofsteps.

The signs had all been there. Even as a foal, he had had the appearance and carriage of a fancy waiter-pony. He had grown his first pencil mustache at the age of four. By the age of five, he was already wearing tuxedos and carrying plates around. His first words had not been anything so conventional as "mama" or "papa." Instead, he had looked up from his mother's teat and said, in a flawlessly fancy accent: "Would madame like to try the souffle this evening?"

When his cutie mark of a raised dish and cloche had appeared, he had felt that his destiny was set in stone, that the road to fancy waiterdom would simply rise up to meet him. And yet, that destiny was not to be. For, no matter how adept he was at being a fancy waiter, he could find no restaurant that would employ him; nor any customer that would let him take their order.

For as soon as Soup Du Jour set forth into the world, he discovered that fate had dealt him a cruel blow indeed. For, no matter how great his waiterly talents might be, his destiny was to be...a background pony, and an obscure one at that.

He was the sort of pony that nopony ever noticed. Wherever he stood, he found that he simply blended in, as though he were a part of the scenery and nothing more. He was the sort of pony that you just didn't notice at all. You might see him once, if ever, and only for a split second at that. Odds are that if you did see him, you wouldn't take notice of him, nor would you ever think to ask his name. If someone were to mention him to you, you would most likely have no idea to whom they were referring.

For years, Soup Du Jour had wandered Equestria, hoping to find work as a waiter, but instead finding that he was ignored by all. He would go from restaurant to restaurant and stand in the background, doing his best to look like a waiter, but it was to no avail; nopony ever noticed him, and nopony ever let him take their order. That is, until one fateful day, at a restaurant in Ponyville, when a strange unicorn had finally spoken the words he'd spent his life dreaming he'd hear:

"Excuse me, waiter? I think I'm ready to order now."

Bastion Yorsets, the only pony who had ever treated him as a waiter, would soon introduce him to the tenets of the Order of the New Moon. Now, Soup Du Jour was committed to a new world, a better world, a world in which the Great Queen Nightmare Moon would recognize his talents for fancy waitering and restore him to his proper position.

However, until that day came, he had a particular talent for being inconspicuous, and he had an obligation to use that talent in service of his Queen.

Today, that talent was being used to spy on four little fillies, who were enjoying their recess under the shade of an old elm tree. He couldn't hear what they were talking about, but he spotted the one he was supposed to be watching easily enough.

He examined the filly through his binoculars, then examined the photo of Nightmare Moon he had been given. He frowned, and looked through the binoculars again. He stared for a long time, and then looked back at the photo.

Still frowning, he took a green marker in his mouth and scribbled a new mane onto the photo. He examined his work; no, it still didn't quite look right. He took a white marker and a black marker and colored in a racing stripe, and then doodled a leopard-print vest and headband over her Majesty's armor. Then, he drew glasses on her. He stared back and forth between the modified photo and the filly seated under the elm for awhile, pensively stroking his chin.

"Hmm....." he said aloud. ".....no, I'm afraid I just don't see it."

However, none of the other fillies resembled the Queen either, and the one with the green mane did at least match the description that Yorsets had given. He shrugged; perhaps he should just trust his Lordship's judgement on this one.

He leaned in and spoke into the communicator embedded in his lapel.

"Pardon me, sir," he said. "But I believe I have found the one you are looking for."

Meanwhile, Pyx sat in the shade of the mighty elm, staring into the grass and drumming her hooves nervously.

"What's wrong, Pyx?" said Apple Bloom. "Aren't you excited about gettin' to direct the play, nee-pah?"

"Yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "You get to star in it and everything! Tutturu!"

Pyx looked up nervously.

"Can I tell you girls a secret desu?" she whispered.

The three crusaders looked at each other and then nodded.

"I've never directed and starred in a play before! I have no idea what to do! Tuturru~~!"

"Tuturru~~!" responded the three fillies in unison.

"Didn't they have school plays back in Detrot desu?" asked Scootaloo.

"Honestly? I have no idea desu," admitted Pyx. "I don't even remember living in Detrot. I don't remember most of the night I spent in the Everfree Forest either. Is it normal to have large chunks of time missing from your memories? Because this is really starting to freak me out desu--"

"Hey, maybe you've got brain damage!" said Scootaloo excitedly.

"Brain damage?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Yeah!" said Scoot. "My Dad had it once. This one time, he and my Mom were tracking rare animals in the Forbidden Jungle, when a pack of angry crocodiles attacked, and my Dad hit his head against a tree--"

"Oh, stop pretendin' to have parents, Scootaloo!" interjected Apple Bloom. "You ain't foolin' nopony!"

"I do have parents, though!" protested Scoot. "They're world-famous adventurers, and they travel all over Equestria, and they study exotic creatures, and--"

Sweetie Belle put a sympathetic hoof on Scootaloo's shoulder.

"Nopony's buying it, Scoot," she whispered. "You're just embarrassing yourself, desu."

Scootaloo glared sulkily at the ground.

"I'm not lying!" she muttered. "I really do have parents!"

However, the others had stopped paying attention to her.

"I wouldn't worry too much about brain damage, Pyx," said Apple Bloom, shooting Scootaloo a dirty look. "I think you're just nervous. Nee-pah."

"Nipah," agreed Pyx. She looked up. "But what about the play desu? I don't know the first thing about directing and starring in a play!"

"Miss Cheerilee says you also have to write it," added Sweetie Belle.

"I have to write it too?!?" cried Pyx.

"It's okay, Pyx!" Apple Bloom assured her. "We'll help! Ain't that right, girls?"

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo nodded.

"Actually," said Scootaloo, "We have something we wanted to give you."

"Oh yeah, that's right!" said Sweetie Belle.

The three crusaders reached into their bookbags, and they each pulled out their trademark red capes, emblazoned with a blue and yellow insignia of a foal. Pyx had seen these capes before; they signified membership in the Esoteric Order of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. However, today, Sweetie Belle had brought a fourth cape for Pyx, identical to those her friends wore.

"Is this...for me desu?" asked Pyx.

"Yep!" said Sweetie Belle. "Last night when I was setting the table desu, I accidentally put the soup spoons where the dessert spoons were supposed to go, and Rarity got super-angry with me and locked me in the cellar for the rest of the night. There was some fabric down there, so I made this to pass the time!"

"Eh...yeah," cut in Apple Bloom. "And also, you've been our friend for awhile now, and we've been thinkin' it's about time we made you an official member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

Pyx's horn lit up, and she held the cape before her eyes, staring at it reverently.

"This is...for me?" she asked again.

"You bet!" said Scootaloo.

Pyx fastened the cape around her neck.

"And now that you're an official Cutie Mark Crusader, writin' and directin' that play should be no problem!" said Apple Bloom.

"Yeah, we'll all do it together!" said Scootaloo.

"We might even get our cutie marks for it!" said Apple Bloom.

The four crusaders bumped their hooves together triumphantly.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PLAY PRODUCERS!" they said in unison. "TUTTURU~~!"

"Sometimes, Rarity burns me with cigarettes," added Sweetie Belle.

For the next two weeks, Pyx and her friends worked diligently on their play. Sweetie Belle had suggested using a book from Twilight's library for the story, and Pyx had found a really interesting one. It had been tucked away behind one of the bookshelves, almost as if Mommy Twilight had wanted to keep it hidden from her, but as soon as she read the first few pages, Pyx knew that it would be perfect. A script was hastily written, and soon rehearsals had begun.

"So when am I going to get to see this play of yours?" Twilight asked one morning at breakfast. "I'd sure like to take a look at the script!"

"Oh, um, you can't see it yet, Mommy," said Pyx. "You have to wait until the Spring Festival like everypony else. Tutturu~~!"

Twilight smiled pleasantly.

"Oh, boy! I can't wait!" she said. "Welp, look at the time! You had better get your books together, Pyx! It's almost time to head off to school!"

"Nipah~~!" beamed Pyx, and trotted upstairs.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Twilight grabbed Spike in a magic aura and yanked him across the room.

"WAAAH!" he cried in alarm. "Twilight, what the hell--"

"SHHH!" hissed Twilight into his ear. "Don't let Pyx hear you!"

"Uh...okay..." he said cautiously. "But, seriously, Twilight--"

"It's gone, Spike!" she hissed.

"Uh...what's gone?"

"IT'S GONE, SPIKE!"

"You mean the last thread of your sanity?"

"No, Spike! My book on the Elements of Harmony! It's gone!"

Spike struggled, waving his arms and legs until finally he broke out of Twilight's aura. He fell to the floor and dusted himself off.

"So?" he asked. "I thought you'd read that one already."

"I have read it; that's not the point! This morning I wanted to look something up in there, and I couldn't find it! The book is just gone, Spike!"

"Is that all that's bothering you?"

"What, do you know where it is?"

"Yeah," he said.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

"Pyx took it."

"WHAT?!?"

Her relief evaporated.

"Yeah," continued Spike. "I overheard her and her friends talking about it last week. They were in the Library trying to think up a story for their play, and Sweetie Belle suggested they grab one of your books. Then Pyx found one that she thought sounded interesting, and they all agreed it was perfect."

"WHAT?!? Spike, how could you let them do that?!? And why didn't you tell me?!?"

"I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I didn't think you'd mind. You let Pyx borrow your books all the time!"

"Obviously, I don't want her to borrow that one!"

"Why not? Wait a minute, does this have something to do with your whole crazy Nightmare Moon thing? I keep telling you, Twilight, you need to let that go!"

Unfortunately, Twilight no longer seemed to be listening to him. She was pacing back and forth around the library, muttering to herself. She uncorked a nearby bottle of Pone's Farm, and started taking swigs as she paced.

"I've got to get that book away from her!" she muttered. "No, wait! It's too late for that; she's probably already read it! But wait, the real issue is that if she puts on that play, it's just going to make everypony think of Nightmare Moon! And who's playing Nightmare Moon in this play, anyway?!? If Pyx plays Nightmare Moon, they're all just going to see how Nightmare Moony she really is! And if Celestia sees all that Nightmare Mooning going on, then she's going to--"

"Bye, Mommy!"

Pyx had descended the stairs, her bookbag slung across her back. Her horn glowed, and the front door of the library swung open.

"I'm heading to school now!" she called. "Tutturu~~!"

"Bye, sweetie," said Twilight absent-mindedly.

Then, a second later, she realized what had just happened.

"WAIT!!!" she called out, just as the door slammed shut.

"Let her go, Twilight!" said Spike. "Besides, it's too late. The Ponyville Spring Festival is tomorrow, remember? The class has been having full rehearsals of that play for days now. Everypony has already seen it. Everypony at the school, anyway."

"It's not the school I'm worried about!" said Twilight. "Celestia hasn't seen it, but she's going to be attending the Festival! She hasn't even met Pyx yet, and if the first time she sees her is in a play about Nightmare Moon, then she's going to realize--"

"Twilight! Seriously! You need to relax!" said Spike.

"I'd love to relax, Spike!" snapped Twilight. "But I can't. And do you know why? Because if Pyx performs that play tomorrow night, Princess Celestia is going to send her to the moon!!"

Spike sighed heavily.

"Twilight," he said. "Nopony is getting sent to the moon! This whole obsession of yours really isn't good for your health..."

Unfortunately, Twilight was no longer listening to him.

"I've got to think of a way to stop that play!" she muttered.

She took a long, long draught of Pone's Farm.

"Alright, let's go over what we know."

Detectives Friday and McSpade were seated opposite each other in a corner booth at Sugar Cube Corner. Friday was sipping a coconut-cream cinnamon oat bran choco-mint strawberry-rhubarb custard-filled banana nut shake with two scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, four marshmallows, and dusted with rainbow-colored sprinkles. McSpade was meanwhile enjoying a double-fudge caramel-coated sugar-plum cookie-dusted molasses-coated deep-fried banana-split sundae with almonds and craisins.

Both detectives had started their meal with a pot of coffee, which naturally had been served with partially hydrogenated non-dairy whipped topping, chocolate-cream-drizzle-fudge sauce, black licorice, red sprinkles, and a Maraschino cherry. However, McSpade had also ordered a molten-fudge coated banana-whipped vanilla-bean cream-covered nut-encrusted cherry-custard-filled bear claw, which he had eaten before his sundae.

The pink earth pony who had been waiting on them approached their table.

"How are we doing, boys?" she asked. "Can I get you any more raisin-flavored licorice-scented bubblegum fudge cream sauce, or maybe some deep-fried doughnut-breaded chocolate-cream-covered mint muffins?"

"No thanks, doll," said Friday. "Although I could use a little more milk-chocoate vanilla-sprinkled partially-caramelized coconut cream for my fig-stuffed pudding-coated cotton-candy-sprinkled strawberry cream surprise cake, whenever you get a chance."

"Yoooooooooooooou got it~~!" cried the earth pony merrily, and she pranced off into the kitchen, singing to herself like a ninny.

"Anyway," said McSpade. "Let's go over what we know."

"Right," agreed Friday.

"Toxicology report came up clean on both fillies, except for Silver Spoon, who tested positive for heroin and crack cocaine. However, I think we can rule out poison or overdose."

"Right," agreed Friday.

"Most likely cause of death was the 37 stab wounds, 68 stab wounds, and multiple blunt force trauma sustained by Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara respectively."

"Right," agreed Friday. "I think we can also safely conclude that there was no sexual motive to the crime."

"Naturally," said McSpade. "Although Diamond Tiara was violated multiple times with what appears to have been a pineapple, the motive for the murder does not appear to have been sexual. So: what are we left with?"

"Based on the evidence found at the crime scene and the condition of the bodies, the perpetrator was likely either a single unicorn, or a highly organized and extremely vicious team of raccoons," said Friday.

"I think we can safely rule out the raccoons."

"Yeah, I looked into their alibi and it checks out."

"Right," said McSpade. "So, that means we're looking for a unicorn, with both the means to kill and the motivation to want Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon dead."

"Probably a foal," added Friday. "Seeing as how there were no adult hoof-prints found at the scene."

"Right," agreed McSpade.

"So," went on Friday. "How many foals in Ponyville would have a motive to kill Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?"

"A lot of them, actually. But only one who was in the Everfree Forest on the night of the murder."

"Twilight Sparkle's weird little cousin-daughter."

"Right. Pyx Trebuchet. Multiple eyewitnesses confirmed that she was a regular target for Spoon and Tiara's bullying. We also have an eyewitness who can place her in the woods at the time of the murder."

"There's also the piece of torn leopard-print cloth we found in the clearing."

"And the other one we found lodged halfway down Silver Spoon's trachea."

"And the word 'nipah' carved into Diamond Tiara's left butt cheek."

"Right. Also, I've been meaning to ask: what exactly does 'nipah' mean, anyway?" asked McSpade.

"Can't say as I know," admitted Friday. "But there's one thing I do know: Pyx Trebuchet is the Nightmare Mooniest looking filly I've ever laid eyes on, in all my years on the force."

"We're not on the force," McSpade reminded him. "We're private detectives."

"Oh yeah, that's right."

"And anyway, forget about all that Nightmare Moon stuff; I keep telling you it's a lot of hooey."

"It ain't hooey, and I aim to prove it ain't hooey."

"It is hooey, and if you keep it up, the chief is gonna have your badge for it."

"We don't have badges; we're private detectives."

"Oh yeah. Well, never mind about all that. Can we agree that Pyx Trebuchet looks good for this murder at least?"

"Absolutely. Also, I ran a background check on Twilight Sparkle's family."

"And?"

"Get this: not only is Pyx not her daughter, she's not even her cousin. Twilight Sparkle doesn't have any cousins. In fact, I'm not sure she's anypony's cousin: as far as I can tell, there is no record of a 'Pyx Trebuchet' ever existing, in Detrot or anywhere else in Equestria."

"Well doesn't that just beat all?"

"You're darn tootin'."

"So what do you think?" asked McSpade. "Should we bring her in?"

"Yeah. We'll do it tomorrow night, at the play."

"Sounds good. For no reason, we will wait until tomorrow night and apprehend her at the play her class is performing."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

"Say, doll," said Friday, flagging down the pink earth pony as she trotted by. "Could I get a little more maple cream cheese cinnamon fudge sauce for my powdered doughnut pancake surprise?"