Find Peace in Selfishness
O' selfless child, find peace in selfishness.
What a thing to say, isn't it? It feels like it should be the other way around. I never would've imagined those words to come from me, of all ponies. I'm not perfect, no. But I strived to be. Every second of every day, in every interaction with every pony. I wanted to be perfect.
Though understand that my idea of perfection is not to be immaculate. It's to be good. Just a benevolent pony who helps anyone and everyone. Who cheers others on and up. My selfish desire was, and to some extent still is, the want to be seen as a good person.
It's not the desire to be a good person, but to be seen as one.
I realize that now that I'm older. I only ever smiled and laughed at others' jokes when they weren't funny not because I wanted to make them feel good as a good person does, but to be seen as a good friend. In a similar way, none of my actions were ever a result of a genuine selfless desire towards goodwill and virtue just for the sake of it.
I'm horrible. And it wasn't like I didn't understand that back then either. I knew it very well. I felt like I was horrible. Which in turn pushed that desire to be seen as a good person even more. To a level that borders insanity. My closest friends and family who I've confided these feelings to, have often argued the point that everyone is selfish in all of their desires. That everyone only does things to feel good about themselves.
And they've often argued that, in the face of that selfishness, it is your actions that speak of your actual character and who you are. Even if it is for selfish reasons, to do good deeds constantly, eventually, you will be a good person. When you're gone from this world, the only legacy that will exist are the things you accomplished. And if all you ever accomplished were good deeds, then you will ultimately be seen as a good person.
Philosophical mumbo-jumbo about the meaning of goodness aside, this story is not about me. This story is about something that happened in my youth. It's about a single pony who defied the universal truths that I kept hearing from my friends and family. This pony is the whole reason why I sincerely doubt that we are all selfish by design. A unicorn with nary an ounce of selfishness in his whole body.
The cautionary tale of the selfless child.
His upbringing was nothing out of the ordinary. Two loving parents, no trouble at school, and a couple of friends other than myself. He was like any kid his age. Played loud, laughed at the dumbest things, and cried when he felt sad. Emotions like yours and mine, alike in almost every way.
The only thing extraordinary about him was that his parents were wayfarers by trade and traveled all over for business. He would often be left at his aunt's place to stay behind while they went away for extended periods of time. He might've minded that at first, but like anything else, it was something he quickly got used to as being a part of his normal everyday.
Life in the quiet Seaward Shoals was pristine. Nothing world-shattering ever followed here, like those we'd get to hear of other parts of Equestria. Ponies just lived their lives out here, with little to impede the average passage of time.
I mention all of this so that you can understand. The day it all changed for him came without warning. It likely didn't take even a single night. Whatever must've caused that change, it was likely instant, since no one could have foreseen it. And try all we might to look into possible causes yielded no results. No altercations with magic or mind control. He hadn't fallen down with a sickness or had become mentally ill. From what we could see, there was no cause and effect. It just happened, from one day to the next. Maybe this change had been quietly building up without our knowledge? Whose to say, but that small unicorn from a long time ago. And his secrets have come and gone along with him.
What changed you wonder? Well, only one thing.
He stopped being selfish.
So why the cautionary tale? Why do we tell stories about him to our children at night so that they can learn a lesson we never thought we'd be teaching them? Why do I keep being so needlessly vague and cryptic about it?
It's like that tried and true adage always says... "everything in moderation"
At first, the change was seen by everyone as a really good thing. The colorful ponies of Equestria and especially the normal-loving ones of Seaward Shoals revel in those sorts of things. We preach of those good values at every chance. Our princesses and champions are all embodiments of those wholesome ideas. Every time I stop to think about all of this, the pension for goodness that we as ponies have seems rather... unnatural.
It goes back to what I was talking about in designs... I don't think I can find out the mysteries of life and possible Gods in my one lifetime, but if we are someone's creations, it very much feels like we were made to fit that technicolor mold we were born into.
So perhaps what happened next to this unicorn kid was just what would've naturally happened to anyone, unexpected as it seemed to be.
Everything in his life became an opportunity to help others. Someone forgot their pencil for school? He would offer his. Short on bits to buy lunch that day? He would offer his. Needed to get a mild inconvenience off your chest? His ear was always available.
Yes, even when he was down to his last writing utensil. Even when it was all of his pocket change that he needed to buy his own school lunch with. And even when he was busy with his own troubles weighing him down. He offered.
But he wasn't like me. This unicorn... he was truly selfless. He didn't like what he was doing. He was never happy about it. He would suffer severely because of this change in him, going hungry to the point of starvation on many occasions as there was always someone willing to take advantage of his selflessness and those who actually needed the help. This could all be clearly seen on his face. Much as he hated being so nice all the time, he still did it at every opportunity. Not to be seen as a good person... but to be one. Even when he knew he was being conned... he did it to be good.
You would think that eventually, someone would talk some sense into him, right? Maybe his friends? Maybe his parents? Hindsight is such a cruel thing. It shows you what you did wrong and what you failed to do. As it did for all of us.
When his parents returned from one of their many travels to the change in their child that had happened outside of their purview, they were welcomed by a grateful town that had been helped immensely by him. Their pride made them blind to see what was happening to him on the surface. They could not see the misery in his eyes, as he had given so much of himself to everyone already. His aunt wasn't very different, as she was often wrapped up in her own work to look out for him properly.
He was exhausted. Every day was filled with a new challenge. From working fields to help the local farmers which was brutal work for a child, to giving away any bits he'd earned from those jobs despite most of them being free labor. Any which way you could think to take advantage of another pony was what had become of his every day.
It wasn't long before they had to leave again on another business call, and so more of his actions went unseen by those who could've made a true change in him for the better. For a long, long time he kept this up until he was left with nothing to himself. Not a toy, not a bit, and not a scrap of food. But what about his friends? What about me? We were there the entire time to witness his fall. Why didn't we help?
We should have, but we didn't. I didn't. I shouldn't hide behind a we. It was my failure in judgment that stopped me. I too was blinded by that pride to some extent, although I could see better than most of what that was causing. For a long time I was afraid to tell him to stop, in fear that the other ponies would hear of my antithesis to selflessness and think me cruel. Absurd? Stupid? Childish? Yes. I was a child back then, and that's just how my mind worked. Because if you remember, my deep desire was to be SEEN as a good person, not to be one. So I kept quiet.
But it's not like we didn't try to help at all. It was our momentary generosity on a few occasions that kept him from truly being lost to the elements. We kept him fed. Tried giving him things to call his own which he would quickly give away, thus reducing the amount of aid we gave due to our distrust of his actions.
In the end, we never gave him the thing he truly needed.
One day, a shady figure walked into Seaward Shoals. A shadowy equine personality with hollowed out holes on its hooves and horn. Most ponies did the sensible thing and hid away from it as it passed through the town, selfishly avoiding danger for their own safety. This creature waltzed up to the one pony who would not cower behind selfish desires. Then it said in a shaky, insincere voice;
"Are you *****?"
And he replied with a yes.
It had been looking for him for a while, whatever that creature was. All it asked for at the time was to be shown around town by him, and he obliged. For several days after that, this creature could be seen walking alongside him at every opportunity, and due to everyone's fears of it, they kept their distance and ultimately kept them from asking him for help. You would think that would be a good thing for him, right?
Maybe it was.
But we couldn't see it that way. Every day he looked duller and duller. The color in his coat seemed to grey out a little more each day, becoming a dimmer, darker color. He looked even more drained and exhausted than usual, with not even a frown or a smile to grace his face again. Like if his emotions themselves were being taken from him.
Finally, the day came when I could not stand to look at what was being done to him. This day came at the ghastly sight of his unicorn horn having been taken from him, and replaced with the one from the entity beside him. It twisted my insides to see it. There was something unholy and cursed about the image of that black, crooked horn contrasted against his greying coat. Looking at the creature beside him was an equally disturbing sight, with his white unicorn horn atop its chitinous forehead.
In maybe my one act of true selflessness in my life, I confronted both of them that this needed to stop. That his selflessness needed to end. But my words arrived too late to change anything. The figure beside him just cackled and smiled cruelly at me. I could say and do nothing more the moment that the unicorn child looked to me and said;
"Leave me alone, will ya?"
That was the first selfish thing he'd uttered in all that time. With one sentence, he had taken my own insincere hypocrisy and threw it back to me. I was left to watch them walk away unperturbed by my words.
For the final time...
What was he thinking then, I wonder? What could he have been thinking?
He never showed up back in town. Went missing altogether. For years, his parents searched tirelessly for him. On occasion, there were a few reports that a unicorn fitting his description and name had been sighted in faraway towns and cities. Some believed he had just become fed up with Seaward Shoals and decided to runaway to live a life of a Wayfarer like his parents.
But I have my doubts.
One night perhaps maybe a few years after that event, I saw that shadowy figure again by itself, amidst the woods. I wanted to scream at it. I wanted for it to give me my friend back. But something stopped me.
Its chitinous coat? It's dulled, iris-less eyes?
I don't know. Something about its stance, or just the way it moved...
We silently exchanged glances, then it turned to leave with many of those shadowy creatures perfectly identical to him, into the pitch dark.
Watching its back as it left, I can say for certain I could recognize that gait anywhere. I understood all too well...
His home. His friends. His family. His town. His body. Even his name. The Selfless Child had given away everything. Now he truly was self less.
I can only pray he finds peace in selfishness. O' Selfless Child.
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Author's Note
This story was lightly inspired by Fruit Basket's "The Most Foolish Traveler in the World"
I wrote it as an act to introspect about my own personal failings as a person. I've a long history with the pursuit of the goodness of the heart, essentially wanting to ɓe a morally good person. It's what called me to the show, and what I like to write about. Sometimes I wonder what being good truly means, and how a twist of those values can cause a deep end.
To get so caught up with trying to be good, we forget to be bad for our own sake. In some strange way we never truly teach others but find out on our own, is that it is good to be selfish every once in a while.
