My Little Methhead

by Scotishbro

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Breaking Bad, Crossover, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, Anthro, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 7653

Once upon a time in the magical land of New Mexico....

Once upon a time in the magical land of New Mexico...

Rated M for Meth (Edit: Majin said it should be T, because Sex jokes aren't SUPER nasfoo *apparently*)

OC credit goes to Guma, on the FiMFiction Discord.

And thank you Perfectly Insane for offering editing this masterpiece, may God have mercy on his soul.

Sex tag for mentioning of parts but there is nothing other than that.

Published 2023-02-12 08:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-23 21:54:28 UTC

In the Beninin...

Once upon a time in the magical land of New Mexico there once lived two brothers in crime. One, the chemist named Walter White was an experienced chemist who turned to making meth in an attempt to help his family live a better life before he died of ball cancer. The other, a meth addict named Jesse Pinkman was a meth addict. Nothing much to say there.

One day, a portal mysteriously appeared after an accident at the meth lab. The showed a visage of an entire city made of pure methamphetamine, a treasure trove for dealers like them.

"Yo Mr White yo that looks sick man."

"Jesse we must take that city and get free meth Jesse."

"But yo mR White yo it looks like there are ponies there yo."

"Jesse the ponies are made of meth Jesse."

"Omg, yo Mr White I think your right yo."

Jesse and Walt stepped through the portal and found their new city. Almost immediately they were beset by Cadence and the Royal Guards.

Cadence flicked her hair to one side. "Hello, my name is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Nice to meet you." She awkwardly outstretched her hoof to try and get a hoofshake, but Walter kinda just stared at the horse like this it was really intimidating tbh.

Jesse scratched his balls and tried to discreetly sniff his fingers. He thought no one had noticed. Everyone had noticed. "Yo Mr. White yo that pink horse just talked yo." Jesse was scared.

"Jesse. Get the glock."

Jesse ran back through the portal and Walt could hear Jesse throwing stuff every which way looking for the blippity blop that just don't stop.

Cadence stepped back a bit. Walter seemed very hostile ngl. "Your 'glockenspiel'? What is that?"

Walter just looked at Cadence like this again

Jesse came running back through the portal and tackled Cadance, taking her hostage with the glizzy. "Yo this is a hostage situation yo! Stand back yo!"

Walter spoke up. "This city is now the property of Los Crystal Meth Empire Hermanos LLC Corp. Your meth is now forfeit."

All of the crystal ponies which I neglected to mention up to this point had gathered very suddenly to gasp in a very comical fashion. Spika, AKA Spike but R63d shows up and is immediately knocked out by Walt with a quick one-two Karate Kid jab that he knows because I say so. Apparently she was here on some stupid friendship quest or something rather daft.

Deep in the ancient catacombs of Canterlot Castle lies a dormant beast shackled by his societal expectations and the brick wall he is too lazy to break through. A long time ago Celestia was making renovations to the Castle and accidentally trapped the beast named BLOOD DEATH in the dark and dreary basement. Never having learned a teleportation spell (because he was to kool 4 skool) BLOOD DEATH was forced to stay dormant in the darkness for over a thousand years and watch Bleach and Naruto. Thanks to his alicorn coolness tho he was able to break free after learning that his waifu for laifu Twilight Sparkle (princess of equestria) was in danger from an otherworldly threat from a land called Albuquerque. BLOOD DEATH didn't know what weird ass place a name like that could possibly come from but if his time in self imposed isolation has taught him anything its that the darkest darkness is really the friends we made along the way.

I heard that in movie theaters in like India or something have a 15 minute intermission during every movie. Yeah. Even modern movies. Go take a break from this mind-melting stupidity for a minute or 69000.

Jesse stood out over the balcony of the castle in the center of the Crystal Empire. The Royal Guard were converted into the much more respectable Meth Guard. Their job was to teach the ponies how to make meth. There was already 14 reported fatalities by sundown.

"Necessary sacrifices upon the altar of progress yo." Jesse thought out loud.

"Maybe if you saw real dead people more often you wouldn't be so jovial."

The sudden realization that he was not alone forced Jesse to turn around. He saw a bald pony wearing a leather zip up with a trout as a cutie mark. It was Mike. Mike Ermentraut.

"Yo what are you doing here yo? And what happened yo?"

Mike made a really tough looking expression and grumbled a bit before spitting out a few words. "I walked through your portal and for some reason I'm a pony."

"Science yo!"

"Look Jesse, I don't think you should be doing this Jesse. Think of all the foals Jesse. They should be learning their ABCs not making meth."

Jesse grabbed his nuts again and pointed at Mike. "Great achievement is born of great selfishness yo, not of personal sacrifice yo."

Mike Ermentraut took out a dead fish and tossed it at Jesse. Jesse dodged him and pulled out the silly goose and lit Mike tf up. Nobody throws a dead trout at JESSE FUCKING PINKMAN.

"Yo Mike. You is right. But your also wrong. I can and will use child labor to build my meth empire and nobody is going to stop me."

Jesse laughed like the Joker and the camera pans out to reveal that Walt was looking all along. Mike looks at Walt and with his dying breaths he tries to appeal to Walts humanity.

"Waltuh. Don't do this to the little ponies Waltuh." He cried with pained words.

Waltuh looked down at his old colleague.

"I am the one who makes meth using ponies."

Mike sheds a single tear before looking down and dying alone and fearful of the future. "Who will save the ponies?"

BLOOD DEATH stands in front of the Crystal Palace looking at Waltuh and Jesse. Twilight Sparkle, who was looking quite pissed atm was surprised to see another alicorn, let alone a male thespian alicorn. His goofy ah face kinda ruined the whole moment tho. She was tied up kinda like Princess Leah from Star Wars and Walt had grown like 600 pounds in the last 20 minutes. (I really want that star wars scene ok?)

"Yo who the bitch are you yo?" Jesse said.

"I am the flame under your ass. The lego under your foot. I am the getter of all bitches. Now who need they ponussy ate?"

Twilight scrunched her nose. "Fuck off." Jesse Walt and Twilight said in unison.

BLOOD DEATH kinda just stared at them like this

Walt looked back like this

"Yo fuck this yo" Jesse pulled out the stanka wank and fired off a single shot. And it would be his last.

BLOOD DEATH had cast a reflection spell at light speed because he's schwifty like that and the bullet bounced back and struck Jesse right in the balls.

"JESSEEEEEE." Walt immediately dropped everything, including Twilight who gracefully fell right on her face like an idiot. Walt scooped up Jesse and started yelling "MEDIIIIC!!! I NEED A MEDIC!!!." But no help came.

"Yo Mr. White yo… I don't feel so good." Jesse reached up to HeisenWaltuhs face before crumbling to dust like that one scene in Infinity War.

"Jesse… how could I be so blind?" HeisenWaltuh shed a single tear as his meth partner, his student, his only friend he had left, disappeared before his eyes.

He stood up, causing the road to crack underneath him. "I'll be back. Just you wait. I'll be back you hear me!?!" HeisenWalt pointed a sausage finger at BLOOD DEATH.

"Ok whatever just leave my waifu alone."

"Fuck off"

HeisenWalt sorta hobbled back to the portal, squeezing in and falling through the other side when the portal closed behind him.

To be continued…

Make Sure to Use Magical Eye Baby Protection

Soft piano music wafted through the restaurant carried on by hushed indistinguishable conversations. Wine bottles clackled together as couples ordered the finest Equestria had to offer and faint yet prevalent scents of foods most ponies would never dream of eating filled the air around the quaint summer villa inspired architecture. And though nobody would say, and much to her dismay, the focus was not on the food or the wine or even the music. Instead it was on the Princess of Friendship and that nights companion, one BLOOD DEATH, savior of the Crystal Empire and all the ponies witheld.

Twilight was as red as a ripe tomato. BLOOD DEATH, instead of eating like anybody else, instead decided that flinging the food into his mouth with a fork in the style of a catapult was the way to go. This certainly wasn’t how Twilight had seen her evening ging. She was supposed to be hundreds of miles away in the realm of Maretania meeting with their rulers to hash out a new trade deal, not on some pity date with the dumbest stallion since… since…

Twilight's thought train was derailed when she noticed how the ponies around her were reacting to BLOOD DEATH. Instead of abhorrent disgust or anger at the ruining of what was supposed to be a quiet dinner, the ponies were instead captivated by BLOOD DEATHs every move. By now He had begun trying to see how high he could waterfall some Fleur de Pantalon 874, an exceptionally rare wine, before it started splattering all over his face. Twilight had estimated he was at about 4 feet up.

She supposed that if nobody was really upset by his actions then she shouldn’t be herself. After all. What sort of representative of Equestria would she be if she didn’t agree with her subjects?

BLOOD DEATH coughed and threw his wine glass across the room. Everypony except for Twilight cheered and clapped. All she could muster was a nervous giggle before BLOOD DEATH opened his mouth.

“Twilight, I’m worried that isn’t the last of Walter we have seen.”

Twilight about spit out the wine she wasn’t drinking.

Is this mfer seriously planning shit?

“Yes, I am. I can read minds, that's one of my powers you know.”

Well, Captain Dipshit. Maybe you can tell me why you are such an idiot! We have contact with another world and you KILL one of the first to come across!?!

“First off, he shot at me, and second off, that ain’t no way to talk to your baby momma.”

B-baby mother!?!

BLOOD DEATH reached under the table and pulled out a hideous abomination, something that made Twilight’s stomach churn.

Twilight’s jaw dropped to the floor. She was far too flabbergasted to truly comprehend this preposterous rabble rousing buffoon in front of her presenting this misproportioned infant demon child unto her observant orbs, and insinuating that this horrid affront to God was her son just made the whole predicament all that more burdensome to engage with.

“That thing can’t be mine!”

“You bet your thick thighs he is. What, did you become an alicorn yesterday? DIdn't Celestia teach you this shit already?”

Twilight remembered what her teacher/mom had said to her just before her transformation.

You’ve come such a long looong way, and I’ve watched you from that very first daaaay. Bythewayneverlookamalealicornintheireyesoryou’llgetthempregnant. To see where you might go, to see…

“Oh my god.” Twilight facehoofed.

“Pony Jesus Christ, Twilight. This is day one shit. Ffs. I thought you just had the hots for me at first but finding out you were just this dumb kind ruined my day."

Twilight grimaced. “How did you… you know, get him out?”

“Like a hyena. Yeah. There ain’t nothing going on down there now. 2000 years keeping my dick intact and then some rookie nonce goes and fucks it all up.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know!”

“Tell that to the tattered remains of my flaccid cock. Anyway, I’m gonna be expecting alimony and childcare checks in the mail by monday.”

“But we were never married!”

“Bruh.”

As it turned out, Marriage between alicorns was determined when you look into their eyes. Thik about it, have you ever seen Celestia and Luna looking eachother in the eyes? Exactly. Twilight is such a moron.

Meanwhile, in New Mexico

Waltuh stood in front of Planet Fitness. The asphalt cracked under his sheer weight. Gymbrahs were basically on a revolving door going in and out, yet he could still see plenty of available machines. Planet Fitness™, for the ones who get it done.

The idea of walking in with no prior experience was intimidating. What would others think? A 600 pound man trying to lose weight? As if!

Waltuh sorta felt a hand smack his back. The nerves had long since stopped being able to feel, as he was just so fat.

“Don’t worry brah. I can see your hesitance to come inside, but this is a judgment free zone.”

The man that stood before him was insanely buff. Bros muscles had muscles. He was truly THE Gigachad.

“Come inside MEEEEE!” Walter explained like a repressed homosexual who is violently homophobic but finally came out of the closet.

“What?”

“What?”

Twilight paced around her castle room trying to contemplate the shitstorm she was in. Spike kinda just sat on the sidelines. Fuck Spike. Dumb bitch.

“I can't be a father! I haven’t even had sex before!”

“Hey, keep it PG13 Twilight!”

“Shut the fuck up Spike!”

At that very moment Spike coughed up a note. It bore the Royal Seal, a letter from Celestia no doubt.

Spike unfurled the letter. “Dear Twilight, Congratulations on the kid! Also, shut the fuck up, Spike. I can’t hear your dumb bitch ass but I know your yapping like a total ass rn.” Spike quickly scrawled on the back of the note something Twilight couldn’t see. He burped the spell that sent the letter back without much effort.

“Spike… if Celestia knows, then so does Luna! She is my waifu Spike! MY WAIFU!!!” Twilight grabbed Spike and shook him while emphasizing that Luna was indeed her waifu for laifu uWu. Remember kids, if you are angry at a baby, make sure to shake them!

“Oh Twilight, I’m sure Luna would understand having baggage from previous relationshi-”

EXPLOSIONSANDBRICKSFALLINGDOWNSOUND

Celestia had demolished one of the walls and grabbed Spike magically.

“BIIIITCH!!! THE FUUCK DID YOU CALL ME‽‽‽”

Spike slapped Celestia. “Bitch, I meant what I said. Now if you don’t get your dirty ass shit stained hoofs-” Celestia threw Spike against the wall and blasted him with a spell that he screamed ‘aaah oh nooooo’ at. Dumb bitch.

Walter and Gigachad were doing some sick curls facing each other and talking about Walter's experiences in Equestria. Walter had gotten in using Gigachads free friend perk. Planet Fitness: we welcome everyone!

“...and that is why I must get buff, Gigachad. I must get revenge for my Student/friend, Jesse Pinkman.”

“Whoa bro. Thats deep.” Gigachad seemed uneasy, as though something was weighing on his mind. Walter, do you know what fusion is?”

“Like nuclear fusion? Not intimately, but I am a chemist so I am familiar.”

“No, not that kind of fusion. The kind in which we go inside of each other.”

Walters eyes rolled into the back of his head.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWT!”

Gigachad shook his head and stood up. “Here, follow after me.”

The mountain of muscle began to do a goofy looking dance that involved many moments where he spun around and did a twirl. Walter followed along carefully, even if his body around him did not want him to do so. For Jesse, anything was possible. But with much effort the dance was complete, and Walter was drenched in sweat.

Gigachad performed his final cha du gra and proclaimed “And now we touch tips.” Walter was halfway down his zipper when Gigachad stopped him.

“No, like this.”

There was a flash of light and a loud popping sound. Not so much unlike the sound a butt plug makes when yanked from the tight twink asshole of a cute sub femboy. I’m sure all of you reading are intimately familiar with that sound.

“I. FEEL. AMAAAZING!!!!!!”

The inner voice inside of Waltuh’s new form called out to him.

“And now, we train.”

One year later...

Ponies cheered all around. Even a whole ass year after having ‘saved’ Equestria, BLOOD DEATH’s victory was still being celebrated. He stood atop a giant float adorned with his equally as huge head. Beside him was Twilight, his sister Luna, and the other alicorn of which he has no relation, Celestia.

“It has been a whole year and ponies are still cheering? WTF?” Whinelight bitched.

BLOOD DEATH rolled his eyes. “Obviously they are just happy a stallion did what 6 mares had been doing for time in memoriam. Big Stallionist W.”

“Truly you have broken the glass ceiling holding down stallions for so long. Congratulations brother.” Luna gave a warm, genuine smile that only someone who deeply cared for you could offer.

Celestia, who had been otherwise emotionless during the parade, shared her sisters smile. “Yes, you are right my sister. This stallion of which I have no relation will be a shining beacon of positivity for stallions everywhere. I hope to be as influential in my lifetime.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You have been the ruler of Equestria for 1000 fucking years!”

Celestia didn’t falter even through her students' crass words. “You are right, Twilight.”

“Thank you!”

“...I really have been ruler for far to long…”

“What!?”

Celestia waved her hoof and the procession came to a halt. Ponies stopped cheering, wondering what had happened. Many hushed words were exchanged as Celestia flapped her wings and took flight.

“Ponies of Equestria. For many years I have ruled this land, even knowing that I directly benefited from the oppressive power structure that our great nation has unfortunately upheld for many years.”

Twilight shook her head, not believing the words that she was hearing. Celestia wasn’t about to-

“...And while I can never apologize enough to possibly even hope that I may repair all of the pain I have caused, I can do this.”

Celestia enveloped BLOOD DEATH in her magical grasp that had just been used not hours before to shake a baby and lifted the alicorn to her level.

“I have decided to step down. In my place I choose the great and powerful BLOOD DEATH, savior of Equestria, hardworking single mother, and absolute Chad, to lead us into a future of equality and peace. May his reign last many moons!”

The crowd went wild. Ponies were so excited that they shidded and farted all over. Nobody cared much tho. These are horses ffs, what do you expect? This is like a Tuesday for them.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!”

Gasps reverberated throughout the crowd. A cloaked man had stepped in front of the float. BLOOD DEATH and Celestia practically got whiplash from the speed in which they began soyjack pointing at the cloaked figure below.

“I CHALLENGE YOU BLOOD DEATH. FOR THE CROWN OF ALL EQUESTRIA!!!”

BLOOD DEATH, ever the opportunist, flew down to the ground to meet this man eye to eye. “And who might you be?”

The man smiled. “Has it been that long? So long that you have already forgotten my voice?” BLOOD DEATH’s heart skipped a beat.

Could it really be..?

The man chuckled and reached up and tore the cloak off revealing the most shredded being known across the multiverse.

GIGAWALTUH

BLOOD DEATH looked at him, mouth agape.

Gigawaltuh kinda just stared back like this

“So, what’ll it be, Prince!?”

BLOOD DEATH shook himself from his surprise. “If it a fight you what it is a fight you’ll get. Luna?”

Luna flew down to meet her brother. “Yes, my liege?”

“Get the royal hospital ready. I’m finna lay down a can of monarch sized whoop ass.”

“As you wish.” Luna flew away to the castle with needed haste.

BLOOD DEATH, sure he was ready to do what he had needed, began to transform.

“I AM VENGANCE.”

“Oh ffs BD…” Twilight flew down next to Gigawaltuh.

“I AM THE NIGHT!”

“No you are not! I am putting an end to this madness!”

Twilight was seconds away from shooting BLOOD DEATH with her brand new Jerifuckyoucho 941 but Walt placed his hand on her shoulder.

“Let him cook.”

Twilight felt compelled to do so by the sheer bravado exemplified in his demeanor. Yeah I pulled up a dictionary. The fuck you gonna do about it? Comment “omg this guy is using a dictionary jdnfneocnwqofmkeemstarebbbfbe”? Bitch.

“I.

AM.

BATMARE!!!!!”

Batmare got up on his table and cast a spell and cloaked himself in a dark orb before shortly reemerging in a Batmare suit reminiscent of Batman Beyond’s Batman batsuit.

If Twilight could facehoof any harder she would have to check herself into the hospital for potential CTE. “Blood Death, what the fuck are you doing.”

“I am not ‘BLOOD DEATH’ anymore! I go by Batmare now!” Batmare struck a sick pose from JoJo.

“You do not know which fuckery you have caused, Batmare! Prepare yourself!” Waltuh struck his own pose.

“AAAAAAAHHHHAAAHHHHA”

“AAAAAAAHHHAAAAAHHHAAAAH”

Waltuh and Batmar-

This is a message from the writer, Scotishbro. Due to budgetary constraints and the distinct lack of GAF, I have decided to unfortunately cut out the fight scene. Just know that it was totally cool and stuff. Yeah.

P.S. sorry for calling u a bitch earlier.

Waltuh threw a slab of concrete off of himself and spit out a glob of blood. Batmare lay up against a nearby rock, barely alive and struggling to breath.

“Did you really think you could beat me Batmare? Think Batmare, think! I had Junkai Jitsu on my side! I believed in the heart of the cards!”

Batmare tried speaking but ended up coughing blood up.

“What was that? You are soooorry?” Waltuh held up his hand to his ear.

“Ur mom.” Batmare said weakly.

“AAAAAH” Waltuh reached up and punched Batmare so hard that the caped vigilante was launched into the soil below. The godsmack was heard all aroud the world, and sent ripples throughout the multiverse.This is the moment Waltuh became Heisenwaltuh. Twilight emerged when the dust settled. Her mane was matted with blood and she walked with a limp. Bystanders siad they even saw tears stream down her face when she saw Heisenwaltuh standing over a hole, her having no doubt as to what had happened to their hero.

"Goodbye, BLOOD DEATH."

Hey Scot here again. I neglected to mention that Twilight had come around on her stance around Batmare *during* the fight. Yeah I’m not explaining.

P.S. I’m no longer sorry.

“Walter… what did you do…” Twilight was crying profusely. This had not at all been what she had wanted.

Walter turned to Twilight and simply shook his head and walked away. This has huge implications going forward on the relationship between the two worlds.

And so, a hero tragically passed before his time. For the ponies who knew him, the world had seemed to die that day. Every breeze a bit less refreshing, every cup of coffee a bit more bitter.

But even so, life went on.

FIN.

OR DID IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

SNEAK ATTACK PREVIEW

Deep underground BLOOD DEATH lay upon a rock bed in a dark damp cave. He thought that this was his end, that even a miracle couldn’t save him. But he hadn’t met SkelleJesse.

“Nyehehehe! What do we have here, bitch? My killer, in the flesh!?!?! NYEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Canon Fact: BLOOD DEATH solos your favorite universe

Author's Note

After 47 years, the 3rd chapter. Enjoy.

Canon Fact: BLOOD DEATH solos your favorite universe

Sad.

“AAAH!” I could feel my life draining with each successive hit as Waltuh incestuously and full of malice made my face resemble a recently blown up cherry pie. Sure, at any moment I could totally just clap his ass, but that wasn't what I wanted.

RECORD SCRATCH

Yeah, thats me, BLOOD DEATH. You're probably wondering how I got here. Truth is, I've been wondering that myself for some time. I guess you could start at the Catacombs, or maybe even in Vietnam.

But if I'm being honest, it all started in 1965 in a small town south of Albuquerque New Mexico…

I never knew my mom, dad never really talked about her. He was a mechanic out in the big city, so I never saw him much neither.

You see, my parents didn’t care for me too much. I was different from all the other kids. More badass, better looking too. Being that cool, I drew the ire of many around me. It didn't help that I had a massive horn and wings to go along with it all.

I was a weirdo, so it was no surprise that I began to hang out with other outcasts. I met Walter when we were just 5, and it seemed we had a connection like no other. He was a total nerd, but something about his shiny bald head was mesmerising in the harsh New Mexican sun. We grew up together, pals to the end. But sometimes things were just never meant to be…

“I am the one who cheats in blackjack.” Walter slid an ace out of his shirt and slammed it on the soapbox we called a table.

“Nuh uh! I cast Pot of Greed, allowing me to draw two more cards!”

I quickly grabbed a marker out of my bag and wrote ‘ligma’ on a 2 of Spades and slammed it over his cheating Ace. We had no clue how blackjack even worked, so we just made up things as we went along.

“This is literally like that one book by that British guy. Fahrenheit 1984 or something.” Walter shook his head.

I smirked and rose my head high. “Its actually Animal 451. Read it and weep, Walt.”

Suddenly, a rock came flying by us and knocked our cards everywhere. “Hey freaks, take this!” Kids up an embankment to our left began pelting us with rocks. We scrambled to grab our stuff and make out, but it's kind of hard to operate when somebody is chucking stones at you.

When I started running, Walt got struck in the back and fell down. “Shit!” I grabbed Walter's shirt and yanked him up, folding my wing out to stop any more from hitting him. “Come on man, we need to GTFO!”

Me and Walter ran harder than we had for awhile, not to say events like this were uncommon by any means. Dodging rocks and insults alike had almost become second nature to us.

We retreated to an alleyway not to far away, losing the attackers with ease. Once once we caught our breath, Walt popped a squat against the wall and started smoking a cigarette, since everyone was doing those in those days.

“We gotta get out of here BD. This town is harshing my vibe.” Walt offered his friend a hit.

BLOOD DEATH leaned aainst the wall and toked the cig. “And go where, Walt? Join the army, fight in ‘Nam?”

“Oh please, we both know you'd just get rejected. It happend to Dan, remember? Something about him being the ‘only son’ in his family.”

“Then I'm out of idea's.”

“Same.”

We sat there for a moment, passing each other the cancer stick and contemplating our choices.

When I went home that night, I used my magic to try and cast a portal, to find my mom and get away. I spent hours trying to do it, following my heart and soul, into the wee hours of the day.

When all hope seemed lost, I cast the spell one more time, and I saw a beautiful world full of people who looked like me, but walking on all fours.

Equestria.

I didn't want to abandon him, Skelejesse. But I knew I couldn't live like this. Day to day, slowly losing any will to go on. I knew where my mom had gone, somehow I always had. But I knew I couldn't take Walter with me.

“So, you left without him?” I could feel the judgment coming from Skelejesse. Even without a face to put any emotions to, his ability to express himself was unmatched. I couldn't help but shy away in shame. “Jeeze man, and I thought I was a heartless bastard.”

“I know…”

Skellejesse paused for awhile. “Well if I know that man, and I'd like to say that I do, we can't stop because of old grudges. He has become ruthless in his old age, bitch. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”

BLOOD DEATH kinda stared at Skelejesse like this.

“So you'll help me get my throne back?”

“I... I can't promise that Blood Death.”

“I see…”

“Rest assured, his tyranny will not last. Wherever he is up there, he will be stopped.

Bitch.”

UP THERE…

The slow and methodical sounds of a rapidly industrializing Equestria sung like angels throughout the Palace walls. Waltuh, newly crowned KIng by Conquest, sat upon the throne that had been shaped to Celestia’s ass for over a thousand years, laughing maniacally as he realized that this story’s perspective had finally come to him.

His rule over the new Kingdom was absolute. Sure, there had been ponies who had tried to stop him, but they all fell by the wayside to his iron fist without much effort.

“Do you hear that, Raven?”

Raven Inkwell, a really popular character to those who A) look up lots of porn or B) really like stories with Celestia, snapped to life and out of the horrid thoughts of the things people have drawn her doing.

“W-what t-to what are you referring to, prince- my King!” Raven quickly corrected herself, but the damage had been done.

King Waltuh's smirk was wiped clean off his face at the stutter. This was the moment King Waltuh became King Heisenwaltuh.

“Princess this, Princess that… you ponies cannot imagine anything else, can you? I am your KING!” King Heisenwaltuh violently shook his pimp staff at Raven, causing her to cower in fear.

“Exactly. Weak, submissive. If you will not recognize me as your ruler by word, then I will force you disgusting animals to do so.” King Waltuh motioned towards the doors. “Guards, take Miss Inkwell here to the dungeons, and take word to the auxiliaries that anyone who dares oppose me is to meet a similar fate.” The guards apprehended Raven before she could escape.

“Wha- what?! You can't be serious! Unhoof me!”

The king stood and watched, uncaring. The anger he had felt dissapated and the feeling of success had taken over once more when he looked outside. All around him, throughout Canterlot and the valleys below, ponies built factories to continue his meth empire.

Forests, towns, it didn't matter. All things, living and inanimate would soon come under his control.

And once he had all that, maybe he could finally find the cure to ball cancer.

DEEP DRUM HITS…

Months later, in the human world…

BLOOD DEATH and Skellejesse stood outside of a grand Spanish Villa in the night, black clothes and backpacks full of heisting gear equipped.

According to his bony friend, BLOOD DEATH had learned that it had apparently once belonged to some sort of drug kingpin, but that he had been poisoned years ago by an up and coming drug kingpin in revenge.

“So, what are we taking?” asked BLOOD DEATH.”

“Nyhehe, thats the fun part. I don't know!”

“What?”

“Well, I'm not COMPLETELY stupid. Come on, I'll tell you as we go along…”

Legends tell of a powerful elixir hailing from the lands of humans. Many know it is a tragic tale. One of explosive popularity and unheralded moxie, a drink that would give you the energy to wrestle an ox into its reins but mellow your soul to contain the beast inside. The drink of kings and geniuses alike. A brew that would blast you into a frenzy of energy as you let your foot off the brake and opened the nitrous valve into a world that was yours for the taking.

But nothing can be allowed to exist for very long in the world of Man. Soon, the powers that strung the betwixt world in a suffocating marionette said “Nay! Thy wretched weaklings shan't be allowed the privilege to roam these lands unhindered!”

And so The Elixir and its ingredients were lost to time, being forced by weak men to be diminished into a state unbefitting of its now-foreign fame. But that isn’t where this myth ends, no, this is where it all began to start.

The walls of the sandstone building were lined with decorative painting that looked really terrible tbh. Like on one of them BLOOD DEATH swore it was just a big penis but when he pointed it out to Skellejesse all the skellyman could see was a rocket ship. We truly live in a society.

The further the pair went the more a lingering sense of un-belonging washed over them. Neither of them said anything though because according to BLOOD DEATH ‘backing off is for nerds’. He is kinda right tbh.

But as they were nearly about to piss themselves and run off like a pair of wimps, a doorway, unmistakably the entrance to the vault that held what BLOOD DEATH sook… seek? Sook sounds more right. Maybe it’s some weird French shit like Souk. Sooook. Soughk.

Whatever. BLOOD DEATH used his supercallafraglisticeckspyallahdocious powers to blow the steel doors of their hinges harder than your mom blew me last night and then they saw what they were looking for.

“The last alcoholic Four-Loco in the entire world.” Skellejesse's skellemouth skellefell skellewide open.

“Whoa.”

“No way this thing isn't boobytapped.”

“Nyhehehe.. booby.”

“Hehehehe”

“Nyhehehe”

BLOOD DEATH and Skellejesse sat there for a solid 20 minutes just giggling like 12 year old boys at the mention of boobies. When all was said and done, Blood Death took a leather hat and a can of creatine out of his backpack and readied himself to pull the most original stunt in cinematic history.

“Careful, BD… don't want to get crushed by a comically large and suspiciously round boulder or something.” BLOOD DEATH slowly lowered his hand onto the package, pulling on the handle and lowereing the Creatine all the same.

when he felt he was ready, he quicklyjerked them apart and found himself to be the new owner of a pack of alcoholic Four-Loco. “Haha, look Skelejesse!”

Skelejesse didn't smile though, because he is a skeleton dipshit. What, did you think I was going to make a skeleton laugh? Impossible! Thats completely unrealistic!

BLOOD DEATH's attention was split away when the pedestal started making noises, and thats when he realized a crucial mistake.

“THE CREATIINE BARREL IS EMPTY!!!” He looked up, narrowly dodging the giant and weirdly round boulder. He hastily leapt from the quickly eroding platform below him and landed on solid ground, banging his shin on the ledge like a total badass.

“FUCK!” But there was no time to have intercourse, and BLOOD DEATH had to start running lest he be crushed. Up ahead, Skellejesse was egging him on, trying to get him up with kind words and prayers BD guessed. He nimbly dodged the crumbling hallway around him and finally jumped up and out of the way of the rolling stone.

It didn't take BLOOD DEATH long to realize he was alone.

“Skellejesse, you there?”

No answer.

He made his way up and to the main coutyard of the villa, where he saw two buff as fuck bald Latino's holding Skelejesse by the neck trying to choke him. Except he wasn't being choked out because he is a skeleton. Once again, why the hell did you think he was in danger? He can't fucking breath.

“Let go of him!” The Twins slowly panned their gaze at BLOOD DEATH and tossed Skelejesse away, causing him breaking apart into a bunch of scattered bones. “Skelejesse! No!” The Twins fixed their ties simultaneously and drew pistols.

BLOOD DEATH smiled. If only they knew…

BANG BANG BANG BANG

A shock ran throughout BLOOD DEATH's body. He looked down, and where he thought that there was badass red and black coolness was in fact 4 bullet wounds. It had gone straight through his shield.

“Ugh…” BLOOD DEATH stumbled backwards, into a pool. The weak blue lights that shown throughout illuminated the faces of the twins who had come to see if he was dead or not. It was the last thing he could see before the lights got brighter and brighter, forcing him to close his eyes as the pain faded away.

“Wake up, dear child.” BLOOD DEATH felt a cold hand touch his chest and he jolted awake, finding himself floating in a void. His vision was blurry, only able to make out that there was somepony dressed in white in front of him.

“Jesus? Is that you?”

A feminine voice giggled. “No, my child. You and I are far more intimate than that.”

“Mom…”

“Yes. And look how you've grown.” BLOOD DEATH's mom hugged him. “You have no idea how long I've waited for this.”

“So, you… must be dead. You've been dead this whole time, haven't you?” BLOOD DEATH shied away. He didn't like the prospect of everything he fought for being for nought.

BLOOD MOM shook her head. “Of course not silly. You aren't dead either. Not yet anyway. You have too much to do for that to happen.”

BLOOD DEATH couldn't believe it. “Then where are we?” The alicorn looked around him, seeing an infinite expanse stretched out around them.

“I can't tell you that my child. That is for you to find out. Now go, fulfil your destiny.”

“Wait, mom. Please I just want to-”

The pain in my chest seared again throughout my body. Bubbles of spent air rose up from me as I screamed in pain.

I tried to think of something but my magic just sputtered in the cold water. I looked around the water, and then I saw it.

The Four Loco was here with me!

I grabbed the package and ripped it open with my hooves, shotgunning a can and feeling its power run through me. The water may have dilluted it but I could still feel the heat of the rounds dissapate, replaced with a fire of passion and power.

“Aw yeah!” I said with gurgled passion. With a single sweep of my wings I leapt out of the pool. The Twins, who were casually walking away, turned around and wojaked the hell out of me.

“You messed with the wrong alicorn, dipshits.” I saw myself begin to glow green and my hair stand on its end, glowing with unrivaled purity.

The Twins took out their pistols once more, unloading the remaining bullets to no avail. The bounced harmlessly off of my hawt bod. With one clap I disintegrated them and the Twins were no more.

I felt my power sputter and I fell to the ground, coughing like I still smoked. I looked over to Skellejesse, and from under his purple cloak I could still see movement. “Skellejesse?!” I rushed over, pulling the cloak back to reveal a rather mad looking skull.

It spit a tooth at me and laughed “Nyhehe! Take that Salamanca's!”

“Skellejesse, it's me! BLOOD DEATH!”

“Oh. Sorry man I can't see anything. Don't have any eyes, you know.”

Wait, what? “How do you know where you are going?”

“I just get lucky I guess.”

“Fair enough.”

BLOOD DEATH puffed up his chest and looked at the rising sun like a badass. He conjured up a red strip of cloth and tied it around his head like Rambo except he was way cooler.

“Alright SJ, it's Bloodin’ time.”

Meanwhile, in Equestria

Heisenwaltuh laughed maniacally as he did the worst thing to any pony imaginable.

Playing bad music.

It's true. Ponies can suffer detrimental effects when listening to straight ass. Mild discomfort, hemorrhoids, spontaneous combustion. All possible outcomes.

It's not like Waltuh was doing it on purpose, he just liked bad music and laughed when he played it. If only he knew.

BANG CLACK EXPLOSION NOISES

“I’ve cum for a piece of that ass, Walt.” Skelejesse said like a needy bottom.

Heisenwaltuh wojak pointed at the approaching Skelejesse. “My god, Jesse. You look like shit.”

“Yeah, bitch. Being dead will do that to you.”

Waltuh looked down for a moment, clenching his fist. A tear beading in his eye, he weakly said “I thought you died Jesse.”

“Well I didn't, bitch. And I got a bone to pick with you.” Laugh track.

Heisenwaltuh put a hand on his blade, his posture becoming more aggressive. “What do you mean?”

Skelejesse squared up. “I'm going to give you one chance to surrender and set Equestria free, bitch.”

“It appears death has made you weak Jesse. Have you no faith in the Empire we built together?”

“Nyhehehe!? Together, bitch?”

“So be it.” Heisenwaltuh drew his sword and lunged at Skelejesse.

Skelejesse slid to the side with his awesome skelespeed and donked Waltuh on the head lightly.

“You’ll have to try harder than that, bitch.”

“RAAAAAH!!!” Waltuh swung his sword like a lunatic in Skellejesse’s direction, but never landed a single blow.

Before anything interesting could happen though, a magical blast knocked both parties harmlessly towards the ground. “Enough. Big Dick BD has come to play.”

“What?! Did a necromancer get drunk last night or something? How the hell are you alive?!”

BLOOD DEATH ignored the question. “You have my crown, Walt. Best hand it over before things get gay.”

“You act so uncouth around your King. Why should I?”

“My balls, that's why.”

Heisenwaltuh’s smirk melted off his face. “Tell me, BLOOD DEATH, out of all of my opposers what makes you special? Are you worthy because you were given this crown, or are you crown because you are worthy?”

“Well, if all the others banned together and used their combined power to counterclaim me, it would make me sweat.”

“But would you lose?”

BLOOD DEATH snortled.

“Nah, I'd win.”

He cracked open a cold Four Loko and butt chugged it, launching an energy blast towards Walt within milliseconds of finishing.

The King ooo-ah! dodged and tossed his cloak aside. “I think you are forgetting what happened last time, old friend. I don't want to have to bury you twice.”

“Oh don't worry Walt, this won't just be a repeat. I plan to take back that crown and reverse all the harm you have done to my home.”

Heisenwaltuh snarled. “You speak of this as your home, but I know where you came from. You abandoned me, BLOOD DEATH!”

“I had no choice, Walt! You would have died if I tried taking you!”

“You don't know that, you never knew that!” Waltuh stomped the ground and broke a massive chunk of marble out of the flooring, kicking it towards BD like an earth bender.

BLOOD DEATH jumped out of the way and pulled out a badass looking katana from the newly unlocked voidrealm that the Four Loko gave him access to. “I'm sorry Walt. If I could have prevented this I would.”

“Enough. I don't want to talk to you anymore. I've had enough talk from traitors.” Waltuh glared at Skelejesse, who decided to hide behind the thrones to safeguard himself from the fighting.

“Very well, Walt. You will have your fight.” BLOOD DEATH charged Walt and Walt did the same.

“RAAAAAAH!”

“RAAAAAAH!”

CLANG-BADOOOOSH

When the swords collided, a wave of energy so powerful that it ripped the fabric of reality caused an explosion that tore the castle from it roots. The ground crumbled all around the two Avengers level threats and drew the attention of onlookers below.

“Look, it's BLOOD DEATH!”

“He's come to save us!”

“God he's so hawt.” The crowd looked at the weirdo pony in bewilderment, but soon there was a cheer.

“WE LOVE YOU BLOOD DEATH!!!”

The Alicorns heart raced as Four Loko-laced adrenaline pumped through his body. The cheers from the ponies below just made him feel even more powerful. There was no doubt he could beat Heisenwaltuh now.

There would be no more journeys, no more pissing around in semi abandoned villas. He would reclaim his throne and stop this imposter.

“Oh yeah, it's definitely Bloodin' Time.”

SURPRISE CLIFFHANGER CUT!!!

Millions of miles away, on a large star cruising battleship in the cold of outer space.

Thousands of small buttons lit up and turned off, dials wirring and spurting speakers pushed out garbled messages attended to by the staff of the USS John Badass.

A brooding man, no taller than 6 feet, sat in the middle of it all. He could feel the air around him change. Something was different, he could feel it in his balls.

“Sir, there has been a universal disturbance!” cried out a lead engineer to his right.

“Bring the reading up on the main screen, Corporal.” The screen blipped to life, and readings that blew past the visual charts manifested quickly and dissapeared. The Man would have to rely on the numbers alone, and they looked promising.

He could see that far off in the distance there was some sort of rift in the time-space continuum that could have only been caused by the clashing of two great figures.

“Yes, yes. I see. Corporal?”

“Yes, my President?”

“Set course for this planet. I think these beings will provide us with enough power.”

The bridge all laughed evil-ey in unison like a weird creepy cult, and the screen faded to black.

“President Space Nixon, I think you've found your way home.” The Man said to himself. “Home at last…”

DUN FIN DUUHHHN!!!!