Applejack
“Couldn’t ya just… Ah don’t know, tell them that taxation is a necessary evil?”
Luna blinked. “I’m sorry?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Just say that, because of the new technology we got from the human world—”
“They don’t know about the human world. Do they?” Luna asked as she leaned in.
I rolled my eyes and started over. “Because of the new technology we invented, we need money ta pay fer the road system. Ah mean, just sell it ta ‘em. It’ll make their lives better. Ponies that don’t immediately buy cars can be happy about havin’ major roads ta take their carts and wagons on, and ponies that do buy ‘em will use ‘em the way they were meant ta.”
The blue alicorn clapped her hooves. “Brilliant! That is exactly what I needed to finish this bill! Oh, thank you Applejack, you have been most useful.” Luna caught me in a hug, but I was never too happy about her visits. She’s only ever here when she’s either lonely and rents out my brother, or she needs help with her finances. Why she comes to me instead of Twi, I will never know. But she does, so here we are.
She pulled back and stroked her chin, then sized me up with her eyes. Knowing full well what she does with Mac, I was getting nervous. “Ah, uh… is… is somethin’ the matter, Princess?”
She leaned in real close. Too close. Ah could smell her breath. There was cider on it. “How would you like to be a princess, Applejack?”
Now it was my turn to blink. “What?”
“Yes, yes, I can see it now. We can put you in charge of the Ministry of Finances, and you can keep Equestria from running itself into further debt. You’ll get the same upgrades as Twilight, of course, and no longer do you have to be a dirty mudpony mare.”
“That’s racist.”
“You’ll become part of the pristine aristocracy of alicorns! Certainly having access to flight and magic intrigues you, does it not?”
Whew, boy, this is something else. I know Luna had been away for a long time, but it’s been years since she came back. Ponies are sensitive about that. “Princess, ya really need ta cool it with the slurs.”
She rolled her eyes, “Au contraire, my dear mudpony mare, you will no longer be subject to them once the deed is done!”
“Ah really don’t think that’s quite the issue here.”
She put her hooves on my face and made me look into her eyes. “Do you want unadulterated authority over Equestrian currency or not? You’d never have to worry about your little mudpony farm again.”
“Well… Ah mean, if it helps the farm…”
“Bichin’! Let’s do this!” Luna grabbed the cider mug she’d hidden somewhere in the farm house, downed it, and then lit her horn. First it was blue, then it was lighter and brighter. The colors shifted and then the intensity of the light grew until finally, I couldn’t see anything but white all around.
“You did, what!?” Celestia yelled.
Luna had prostrated herself on the farm house floor, then put her hooves above her head to appease her sister. “I was very intoxicated!”
Celestia looked to me for help, but all I did was shrug. Course, I realized that it was the wings that shrugged and not my shoulders, so that was a first. “She was.”
The elder sister sat and slapped her forehooves to her face. “Good Goddess Luna, there was only supposed to be one! Why did you make another!?”
Luna picked her face up from the floor and raised an eyebrow at her sister. “Only one? Did you not make Cadance? And what about Flurry?”
Celestia crossed her hooves and looked away. “I don’t point out your marketing mistakes.”
Now Luna rose to sitting herself, then pointed an open hoof at me. “You are literally doing that right now!”
The Head Princess glared at her, then looked me over. Again, I got that feeling like she was doing more than looking me over like Luna was earlier, and it made me nervous. This time, however, it felt a little… more than nervous. I don’t exactly know what was going on, but it shouldn’t be happening. Is this another thing I’m gonna have to get used to?
Finally, she sighed. “Fine. Oh well, you could’ve picked somepony worse. At least it was the actual responsible one this time. Good Goddess.” Celestia shivered. Then Luna shivered. Like it was contagious, I shivered and suddenly had the image of Rainbow Dash with a horn and alicorn magic trying to sonic rainboom around the moon, then dying a horrible, horrible death once she hit space.
The utter horror of Dash of all ponies having access to this kind of magic became so distressing that the feeling intensified from unease to nausea. I had to hold back the vomit. “Gross. What in tarnation was that?”
Celestia let out a deep sigh and then shook her head. “This is your mess, you clean it up,” she said to Luna. Then she turned to me. “Oh, but before I forget, can I leave the new tax bill in here, or should I bring it back later?”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Just… leave it on the table, Ah’ll get ta it later.” Another scroll popped out of nowhere in Celestia’s gold magic and dropped next to Luna’s.
“Well, thanks again, my um… Princess of Taxes. Bye!” And just like that, she was gone as soon as she’d appeared.
She cannot be serious.
“Ya can’t be serious.”
To my dismay, Luna nodded. “I am very serious. It is a real problem. I am not here all the time for no reason after all.”
We’d moved to the porch, and after I’d adjusted to finding a way to lean back without hurting my new wings, Luna explained things about my new body.
“Ah cannot believe this. Alicorns experience a constant heat? Really?” But it explained all kinds of things. Why Twilight started sending me twice as much fan fiction to edit in her spare time, why Luna was here two or more times a week, why Celestia showed up two or more times a week, why Twilight was here… Damn, Mac.
Wait. “Hold on now. If y’all are all…” Heat crept up my cheeks. I don’t like to talk about this stuff because it just ain’t right, but now it’s kind of important. “Ya know… don’t ya get… well, uh… ‘planted,’ still?”
Luna shook her head. “Well, yes, but it doesn’t happen very often. Think about it this way: were there an alicorn male, there would be many and more alicorns in the world today, all naturally born. Alicorn seeds can be planted in anything. They’re like weeds. They’ll grow in concrete and be happy. Alicorn soil on the other hoof… is very difficult to plant in. So much so that alicorn seeds were once believed to be the only thing that could take root in it.”
I let out a breath. Well. There’s one thing off my mind. At least, if this new issue does take over, I’m probably not looking at starting another branch of Apples. Or would it be alicorns now?“So… what about Flurry Heart?”
Luna scowled. “Cadance is the Princess of Love. As her title suggests, she covers all aspects of that, including the erotic one. She likes to experiment. Apparently, Shining Armor is into that. They’re both freaks.”
I couldn’t help but feel my snout scrunch up. “Really?”
“Really. Do not drink the punch. Ever.”
“Huh.” Another thought crossed my mind. “Is that why the Royal Guard only allows stallions?”
“At least until Cadance became a princess, yes.”
I scowled.
Luna sighed. “There is a reason we keep her far, far away in the Crystal Empire. You’d best be cautious. She’s very good at what she does. Avoid visiting as often as possible as well. You are very easy to manipulate in that regard now. Some days, you’ll just wake up and it’s like somepony left the air conditioner off and the faucet on.”
“Wow. Ah really didn’t need ta know that!”
“Oh, you very much do, my dear Princess of Taxes. You should prepare to find new housing until we get your castle built. Your brother has the high score and is a fabulous specimen of the male pony. One wrong glance, one accidental touch, and you could have a new regret the next morning.”
I felt the vomit coming back. “Oh, Goddess, how could ya even sugg—”
Luna looked away, a light shade of lavender over her cheeks. Realization dawned on me.
“No.”
She scratched at her cheek.
“Ya didn’t!”
“It was one time!”
Ah let my head fall inta my hooves. “Ah’m movin’ out tomorrow.”
Tentatively, she reached a hoof out to me. “But um… you will send me the revisions on my bill in the morning, won’t you?”
“Yes! Damn it!” I leaned back on the bench in disgust. “Ah’m the Princess of Taxes now! Ah can’t believe ya did this ta me!”
“… in my defense, you did agree—”
“Ya didn’t give me the terms and conditions ta read through this time! Ah’m the Princess of Taxes, damn it! Ah want it all in writing! Goddess dang it. Why did this happen ta me?”
“Applejack, I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Twilight said.
I didn’t care for her tone. “Oh, come on, why not? Ya’ve got a billion rooms in this Goddess-awful thing. Ah just need a place ta stay until Ah can get a house built or somethin’.”
And think of what that’s gonna do to the deficit! Any money I pay to anypony comes out of the treasury, raises inflation rates, and finds its way back to the ponies! I’ve got to get to work on that bill as soon as I find a place to hide.
Twi shivered. “Our finances aren’t really that bad right now, are they?”
I sighed. “Twi, where does money come from?”
“The government?”
I cringed. “Yes, Twi, the finances are that bad.”
She searched the air for any kind of excuse not to let me in the castle. “Look, now just isn’t a good time. If you can wait a couple days, then I can get a room ready for you, just not now.”
For once, I observed my purple princess. Mane disheveled, neck fur ruffled, a little weary and a little sweaty.
I glared at her. “He’s in there, ain’t he?”
She covered her face. “They told you, didn’t they!? It’s like Ambrosia, and he's just an infinite fountain!”
“Goddess, Twi.” That weird shared feeling came over me, and I was filled with a mix of disgust, shame, and the itch to get back to it. “Ah’m gonna have ta figure out how ta turn this crap off.”
Sighing, she shook her head. “You can’t. I’ve tried. The main point to take away is just to never be around Cadance ever again.”
“Ah’m afraid Ah don’t understand.”
Twi stared straight through me. “Oh, you understand. Think about it. We all get strong feelings across us when we’re near each other. Do you know how hard it was to make it through the day when my brother was here that one time? There is a reason I’ve never invited them back.”
Ugh, that was rank. “Oh Goddess, not you too!”
She blinked. “Wait, me too what?”
I’ve made a mistake. “Never mind. Ah’ll go ask the girls.”
“Hold on, me too what? Applejack!”
I took to the air as fast as I could. That information didn’t need to be shared. I can be the Princess of Taxes and the Princess of Secrets too, at least for their sakes.
Dash frowned at me. “I… think I hate this.”
I threw a hoof out. “What? Why!? Ain’t we friends?”
She scrunched up her face, searching deep within. “I mean, we were kinda like friendly rivals with maybe a hint of romantic interest in there, but now that you’re like, above me, I don’t think I can deal with this.”
“Excuse me?”
She sized me up. “I mean, come on, man, you’ve got, like, stallion wings! I can’t compete with that.”
“That is not at all what I was concerned about.”
Dash trotted out and around. “Like, come on, you’re practically on ‘roids now. You saw what Twi did when she was all hopped up on magic. It was some Dragon Ball Z shit!”
I rubbed at my temple. This is gonna be a long search. “No, Dash, that still isn’t—what in the world is Dragon Ball Z?”
Dash rubbed at her snout like she just accomplished something impressive. “Oh, you don’t know, huh? Yeah, well, I used one of my Wonderbolts paychecks to buy a TV. It’s this neat show with a bunch of dudes punching each other and screaming and throwing laser beams around.” She looked up into the blue. “Do you think if I screamed long enough and got hopped up on magic that I could fly around the moon?”
“And here I thought the horror was an exaggeration.”
“The what now?”
I waved her away. “Look, it ain’t important. Ah just need a place ta stay until Twi can get me a room or Ah can get a place built.” I coughed. “Using yer tax dollars.” I coughed again. “Do ya have a room or not?”
She looked at her house. Massive three-story architectural wonder of clouds complete with a personal rainbow fall and accurate ancient Pegasonian cloud columns lining the front. Then she looked at me. “Well…”
This is just ridiculous. “Well, what? Ain’t’cha got a room or two free up there? Ya can’t possibly have enough crap ta fill a whole house like this.”
“Look, dude, I’ve got other friends, okay? They come over sometimes, unannounced. I can’t just have random exotic roommates when they show up.”
“Exotic!?”
She flipped her mane to the side. “I mean, it was one thing when you were a m—earth pony.”
“Rainbow Dash!”
“But now there’s, like, a power imbalance, and this could be seen as an improper relationship with one of my bosses since the Wonderbolts are technically a division of the government, and like, I have a career to uphold, ya know? It’s kinda my dream job.”
By the Goddess, that’s actually a valid concern. “Alright, fine, Ah’ll find somewhere else.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thanks man, you can’t know what a load that takes off my shoulders. Goddess. Me having you in here when the team comes by? They could think a lot of things, and by the end of the night, they’d probably be right.”
“Ah need ta leave.”
“Yeah, you do. The guys are coming over and we’re gonna ‘watch’ a new episode of DBZ tonight.” She made sure to lean in and wink while bending her wing tips when she said watch.
“Goodbye, Rainbow.”
She waved. “Bye! Oh, and can I bring my tax documents to you later? We’re definitely ‘bonding’ as a team around the TV, so I think this counts as a work expense, doesn’t it?”
“No!” If there is a way to do so without spending the country’s money, I am separating the Wonderbolts into divisions.
“Ugh, again?” Rarity asked with a look of disgust.
I hadn’t even said a word. “Really? Is that how you’re gonna greet me?”
She rolled her eyes. “No, I suppose it isn’t.” She bowed with a scowl on her face and a raised brow. “And what may I do for Your Highness on this lovely day?”
Considering how stormy the sky was, I don’t think she really meant that. “Come on, Rarity, ya should know me better.”
“Oh my, should I grovel too?”
She’s being awful extra today. “What’s the deal? Ya tryin’ ta get rid of me cause ya got some kinda immoral affair goin’ on behind the door too?”
“No!” She stepped out of the boutique and shut the door behind her. “W-why would you assume such a thing?”
Why jinx it like that? You could’ve said anything, and you chose to be sarcastic. The worst thing you could do is be accurate. “It just seems to be the theme of the day. Ah need a place ta stay fer a few days. Is yer little whatever gonna be goin’ on fer long?”
She sucked in air through her teeth. “Look, Darling, you know I love you.”
“Why do Ah feel like Ah’m bein’ disowned?”
“But sometimes, we have to make weighty decisions, and Mama needs this.”
“Has Mac been makin’ the rounds or somethin’ today?”
Rarity tossed her mane back and forth. “Oh no, no, no, nothing like that! He’s not due for… er, well, I supposed I wasn’t supposed to say that. My point is, I have a very high-profile client here today, and if he sees you, the bag of bits he came in with will likely be leaving with him.”
I frowned. “Why? Has my new position gotten out already? Are ponies afraid of me or somethin’?”
She tilted her head. “New position?” Then she jumped back. “Oh goodness, since when did you become an alicorn!?”
Clapping my hooves, I took a sharp breath. “How in the world did ya just now notice?”
“Well, that changes everything. You can certainly come in like this, I just… wait, your position?”
“Ah can’t believe all my friends are racists.”
She shrugged. “Well, not me personally, obviously, but you know how these high-class ponies can be. I got called a mudpony once or twice before breaking into the fashion scene, and that was just because I was from here.”
“Maybe Ah should just invest in projects we could never complete or afford and watch the country burn from the sidelines. Who’ve ya got in there anyways? Ah think Ah need ta start makin’ a list…”
Rarity came astride, put a hoof around my neck and led me away from the boutique. “Applejack, Applejack, Applejack. Sometimes, we make deals with people we personally find repulsive for the good of the populace. We can’t simply be putting hooves on the ground for every little campaign the changelings launch against us, otherwise we’re losing valuable soldiers, and more importantly, ponies to supply.”
“Ah’m puttin’ y’all on the top of the list.”
From behind us, the boutique opened to Princess Luna looking for Rarity. “Miss Rarity? Is something… Ohhh.” She had a very guilty look on her face. “H-hello, Applejack.”
I shot a hoof at her. “Ya’d better friggin not be spendin’ money in there!”
“I-I was doing no such thing!”
Rarity sank to her knees. “Applejack, how could you!? This contract could get me boutiques across Equestria! I need this!”
“No!” I stomped a hoof, somehow putting magic into it and shaking the earth beneath us. “We ain’t got the money ta spend! Eat yer vegetables!”
Luna scowled. “Oh, but Princess Applejack, they’re so icky! Sister eats nothing but cake all day, why can’t I?”
“Ah’m cuttin’ the bakery fund! Go home, and take Mac with ya!”
From down the road, the door to Twi’s castle opened. “It is my turn, and she will not!”
The storm had finally reached a peak and the rain came pouring down. Twi went back inside, Rarity and Luna retreated back into the boutique, and I was left out in the cold, stabbing rain.
“Goddess, Ah need a drink.”
“Oh, well, I can get you one of those,” Pinkie offered.
There’s no telling when she appeared, but at this point I just didn’t care. A nice glass of chocolate liqueur would be fantastic right about now. “Lead the way.”
“What’ll it be, boss?”
I rubbed at my eyes. “Somethin’ strong, Pinkie. Ah’ve had a hell of a day.”
“Applejack! There are children here, you can’t say that!”
Ya know what? I prefer this to everything else I’ve gotten all day. “You’re right, Pinkie, Ah really shouldn’t. It don’t suit my new position as a public official.”
Dreamily, she looked up to the ceiling while she started mixing something behind the counter of Sugarcube Corner. “I’ll say. I can’t believe one of us mudponies finally got a chance to be a princess.”
“Really? Ya call me out fer heck and then ya go and say that?”
Horrified, she sat her mixer down. “A-Applejack… to use such a word at a family establishment…”
Goddess help me. “Ah’m sorry, Pinkie, Ah won’t do it again. Are ya done with my drink?”
She raised a brow at me. “What? It’s already on the table.”
The mixer she was literally just holding had disappeared somewhere and some kinda chocolate martini with a marshmallow on a toothpick was sitting right in front of me. “So it is.” I downed it, then ate the marshmallow off the toothpick. It was like cold hot chocolate that still burned going down, and the marshmallow had been glazed in something that was just as alcoholic as, if not more so than, the drink.
“Ooh, you really shouldn’t have done that.” Pinkie said as she approached the table.
When she sat down, I put a hoof on hers. “Pinkie, ya would not believe the day Ah’ve had. Ah definitely, definitely needed this.”
Blushing, she pulled her hoof away and sort of wiggled on the chair. “Oh, Applejack, we can’t do that here… it’s a family place, remember?”
“Do… what?”
“Something so… scandalous, something so explicit!”
I blinked. “Ah am so lost. Pinkie, what in tarnation are ya talkin’ about?”
She flashed her blues up at me, fluttering her lashes once or twice. “I, uh, never knew you felt that way about me, though…”
“This conversation has gone far enough. Thanks fer the drink. Ah’m gonna go see Shy.”
“Applejack wait!”
Against my better judgment, I turned back. “Yes, Pinkie?”
She approached, her cheeks all rosy, her legs all woozy, a soft loving smile on her face. “I know it was my first time and all, but aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Fer the love of the Goddess, Ah hope not.”
She looked up at me so sweetly. “This is a business. We pay for the things we buy.”
A breath of relief. “Oh, sure. How much do Ah owe ya?”
“$18.97. We take cash and card.”
My jaw dropped. “Fer one martini!?”
Changing modes completely, Pinkie got defensive. “You asked for something strong, so I gave you a chocolate triple with a cognac glazed marshmallow! That’s four shots, my mixing, my cocktail sauce, and a marshmallow!”
“By the Goddess, Ah’m gonna fix this ruined economy the moment Ah find a place ta stay, Ah friggin swear.”
Her mouth gaped. It formed into a frown and she leaned in. “Look, as much as I appreciate that thing you did for me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you keep swearing.”
Teleporting all her bits, I slammed it on the counter. “There’s yer money! Ah’m addin’ this place ta my list!”
I slammed my way out the swinging doors and into the rain.
“Sugarcube Corner appreciates your business! Come back soon! A-and call me! I’ve never done it with a mare before, but I’d like to try again if you’re up for it!”
Never in my life have I regretted a decision as much as I have this one. Stuck in the rain walking all the way across town, my stupid feathers are all wet and soaking me to the core, half my friends are racist or weirdos or both, and I’ve still got so much paperwork to do once I find a place to stay.
As I approached the cottage, the clouds broke over it. A beam of light hit it from above like a ray of hope, and the faint image of a rainbow could be seen behind the broken sky.
Only for the cloud to be replaced and the rain to come back down.
“Sorry, sorry! Didn’t mean to fall there, just lost control!”
Something sonic flew by overhead and I didn’t have to guess who it was.
I finally dragged my soaking body to Shy’s door and knocked.
It opened up to Discord. “Hmm. Now this is unsettling.”
“Who is it?” Shy called from somewhere inside.
“A walking feathered rug, an experiment gone wrong, or possibly a very wet Applejack.”
“Definitely the last one,” I volunteered.
“So long as it’s not the first one, it can come in. I can’t deal with another walking feathered rug.”
Discord nodded and stepped inside. “The master has allowed you entry.” And then he bowed.
As I entered, the water all over my skin was sort of sucked away like I was passing through a vacuum. “Ah appreciate that.”
“You’re very welcome, dear…” he narrowed his eyes at me. “Princess of Taxes? Good Goddess, who got wasted this time?”
“Luna.”
Discord snapped, teleporting to an armchair that was floating inches off the ground. “Ah, yes, yes, I see. Well, at least they finally found somepony who could deal with this rotting economy. Neither of them have the discipline to keep from enacting more social projects, and you know we simply can’t afford to keep selling our debt overseas forever.”
Truly, I was touched. “Ya… ya understand me?”
Like a flash of lighting, Shy shot down from upstairs, only to put herself between Discord and I. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I backed off. “Nothing!”
She stared at me with those awful, awful eyes. “It’d better be nothing.” She turned to him, “Discord, sweetie, would you be a dear and get us some tea?”
“Of course, my love.” He snapped his chicken claw, then a kettle and an open flame appeared in the center of the room. “It should be ready in a few minutes.”
“Thank you, darling.” Turning her attention to me, the feral hostility gone, she offered me a seat on her couch. “Now then, what brings you here, Applejack?” She stared at my forehead and tilted hers. “I… see your body has been experiencing some changes recently.”
“There are so many other ways ya could’ve… whatever, yes, it has.” I found a spot on the couch and sort of sank into it. A lot. Too much. I went all the way to the floor and I noticed the layers of yellow, red velvet and chocolate along the way.
Blushing, Shy covered her mouth. “Oh goodness. Discord, the couch. We forgot the couch.”
He coughed into his fist. “Oh, of course, madam. My apologies.”
I knew better, but I couldn’t resist. “Why cake?”
Shy put a hoof on mine. “To be totally honest, Applejack, my mind has been opened to all kinds of possibilities ever since Discord moved in.”
Gross, no wonder Pinkie freaked out earlier. I pulled away from the dirty, awful, explicit hoof and hid mine in my lap. “Uh… cool.” I need to wash my hooves. “The long and short of this is that Ah need a place ta stay fer a few days. Do ya have one?”
Thoughtfully, Shy tapped her lips with the hoof she’d put on mine. “Well, that can be arranged. However…”
“It certainly goes against a few rules Celestia has set on me since I signed my freedom contract.”
While my attention was on him, I saw Shy lick her hoof out of the corner of my eye. She caught my glance and wiggled her brows at me, and I chose to ignore that. “Well, what’s the contract? Ah’m the Princess of Taxes now, so that falls under my jurisdiction.”
The tea kettle squealed and two cups appeared from the kitchen, floating on their own on top of saucers with spoons and tea bags inside them. The kettle poured itself into the cups, and the fire fell to embers and disappeared as it sank in the middle of the living room.
Discord stirred one of his fingers in the air, and the spoons moved in time with them, while the other snapped a pair of reading glasses, and two scrolls for he and I. “Since I know you’re trying to fix the economy and not break it further, it does seem a little hypocritical to revise this just for your own personal gain.”
Reading over it, this prevented Discord from using his powers to simply create things out of thin air and start a business or use them as currency. The language was airtight and the contract was magic, so if he broke it, he’d lose possession of… Fluttershy?
“What? How did she sign this? Princesses don’t have power of authority over ponies like chattel slaves.”
He shrugged and snapped his copy of the contract away. “Well, there were certainly some legal shenanigans involving threats and intimidation to have her parents disown her. Technically, I am Fluttershy’s legal guardian.”
“B-but I am of age! There is nothing inappropriate about our relationship!”
His arm stretched until it reached across the living room to boop her nose, then he handed her her teacup. “Fluttershy, darling, please stop talking.”
Compressing into herself, she said, “Y-yes, dear,” and sipped on her tea.
“Look, y’all, after everything Ah’ve been through today, this is the most proper relationship Ah’ve come across. Ah don’t care what ya do in the privacy of yer own home, it ain’t my business.” And for the love of the Goddess, please don’t invite me into it. “Alright, Discord, what if Ah adjusted the contract so ponies could pay ya a fair rate fer yer services?”
He passed me my teacup with one hand, then duplicated it at the elbow and stroked his beard with the copy. “Well, that is an interesting proposition. What would I do to participate in commerce? Could you imagine how many ponies I would put out of business? My prices would have to be absurd for the speed I offer in comparison to the days it would take regular creatures to accomplish the same feats.”
“Tarnation, you’re right.” I sipped at the tea, pleasantly noting the heavy smell of whiskey in it. “Ah appreciate this, by the way.”
“Yes, yes, it’s hard to be sane when the world around you isn’t.”
I was touched, truly. This was the first conversation I’d had all day where I felt like anypony understood my position. I don’t want to be a crank or a wet blanket, I just want to be responsible, and that’s so difficult when no one else is. “Discord—”
“You must include me, Applejack.”
I practically jumped out of my skin away from Fluttershy who’d crept up beside me. “In what!?”
Suddenly turning bashful, Shy put her hooves to her cheeks. “Oh, you know what… It’s embarrassing to say it out loud, you know?”
I found myself in Discord’s arms, and he started to care for my mane with some bright pink toy brush he’d magic’d up from somewhere. There was a label on it that I couldn’t read. In a fatherly tone, he said, “Fluttershy, please, we are all adults here. You can say it.”
“W-well…” She swallowed, a bead of sweat running down her head. “Y-you know… when three ponies who are… maybe a bit more than friendly toward each other get together in a little room and… and…”
Please don’t.
She licked her lips, out of breath with her mane falling over her face. “And we… and we…!” Her wings flared out. “Discuss fiscal policy!”
Discord grew two more arms and clapped with them without stopping his brushing. “Oh, my darling Fluttershy, you finally said it!” He made a couple of weird hand signs and a duplicate of himself appeared in smoke next to her, picking her up and swinging her around like a proud father.
A sigh of relief, the taste of my whiskey tea, and Discord’s continued brushing calmed me down. “Ah’d be delighted, Shy.”
She smiled deviously, then raised a brow at Discord. “My love, if you would.”
He snapped, and the whole room shifted into a well lit conference room. We all attained suits that fit us to a T, a massive table with all the implements we could possibly want filled most of the space, and the smell of coffee was heavy in the air with the sound of a coffee maker dripping away nearby.
I sniffed and wiped at my eyes. “Y’all are my best friends, ya know that?”
Shy tried to put her hoof on mine again and I carefully pulled it away. She frowned at it. “W-well, you know we’d do anything for you, Applejack.” She seemed awfully disappointed, but I was finally getting a chance to work on my new job, so I didn’t care.
“And Ah’m thankful ta have ya.” I lit my horn, found all my papers where I’d hid them away in the safe back at the orchard, and teleported them onto the table. The stack was big and the scrolls were cumbersome, but today, they’d finally get sorted out. “Alright, y’all, first thing we need ta work on is this new tax plan Luna brought me. It’s totally brutal and needs to be reworked so that it’s fair across the board. Ah think we should start by…”
The Ponyville Post
The Princess of Taxes has gone down in history as the reformer of Equestria’s economy, creating the best, booming surge of wealth we’ve ever had. She had a rough start enacting her policies, but with the help of her friends, her bad friends, and fellow princesses (discounting the Princess of Love), she eventually finished everything she initially set out to do.
However, we here at the Ponyville Post have discovered a scandal involving the princess.
An unnamed mare came out about the Princess of Taxes violating her sacred rights as a mare by way of horrible, degenerate, non-consensual hoof-holding. Said mare, age forty, married, four foals, had believed once upon a time that there was good in the world when all of that changed one stormy night when she showed up at her doorstep.
She’d simply been a kind local citizen offering the princess shelter from the rain when, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the princess pressed her hoof to hers.
A quote was received from an anonymous informant:
“I… I’d never been touched like that before. She’d been my friend before, ya know? I thought we were close, but I wasn’t ready for that kind of relationship yet, I was just a filly! But, worse than anything, was how she just never came back to me after that. If I’d never found my dear [REDACTED], I don’t think I ever would’ve found value in my soiled hooves again.”
The Princess of Taxes has refused to go on record about the scandal. She has been seen coming in and out of the cottage of a local animal caretaker two or three times a week before she returns to her castle, the Apple Manor, next door, but continues to ignore reporters about this issue. She has gone on record saying:
“Look, y’all, this is stupid and Ah’ve got more important things ta do. If Ah didn’t make ya so darn rich, ya’d be too busy ta come bother me every other day as a profession. Go do somethin’ useful with yer lives and leave me alone! We’re all adults, alright!?”
The door was slammed and our reporters still can’t make heads or tails of the princess’ final comment.
