003: Rainbow Dash is Allowed to Kill

by Crimson Thor

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Tragedy
Length: 1789

Pinkie Pie finds out that Rainbow Dash is a secret agent.

Rainbow Dash has been part of the SPS (Secret Pony Service) for over three years. She was sent to Ponyville to spy on one of the most dangerous of all criminals in Equestria. She had a nice cover going until she made one slip-up. Out of the intelligent Twilight Sparkle, understanding Fluttershy, rational Applejack and the sensible Rarity, who finds out? The hyperactive, (suspected) drug addict Pinkamena Diane Pie.
Pinkie Pie threatens to tell everyone her secret unless Rainbow brings her along on her search. Pinkie makes a big joke of the whole thing but soon the fun starts to die. The killer is relentless and is not against killing young party planners. Pinkie begins to see Rainbow in a new light as she realizes that she is not only the third most effective spy in all of Equestria, but the third most effective assassin.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-26 02:13:15 UTC

Agent Dash

The wind was brutal as it slapped Agent Rainbow Dash in the face. Her wings burned with the effort it took to keep up with Wingspan, a wanted thief from Fillydelphia. Rainbow's head of department had received an anonymous tip-off that he would be in Canterlot that night and had alerted the local muscle.

   Wingspan's wings were a whole twelve inches bigger than hers, but she had one advantage. Without warning, she shifted and turned sharply to the right, in between some buildings. She weaved in and out of the buildings but instead of keeping an eye on Wingspan, she went further and further away from him. It was nighttime and that bitch Luna had hidden the moon behind a cloud. Dash concentrated enough not to leave behind her rainbow trail though she desperately needed the light.

   She hardly ever came to Canterlot and this area of town was new to her. Trying to avoid high fiving a wall with her face was like getting Fluttershy to stop and look at her shadow. Pointless and hard as fuck.

    Her advantage was the fact that she was trained for such situations. Focusing one ear on the faint fluttering of Wingspan's wings and the other on the sound shadow made by the obstacles in her way, she came out in the open a few seconds later. Wingspan was shocked with the way she suddenly appeared before him and couldn't stop himself in time. A full on collision seemed inevitable.

    Luckily, Rainbow Dash raised her right hoof and slammed it down with Celestia-like force on his head. The azure pegasus pony dropped like a rock. She fluttered gently down after him and folded her wings.

    She figured that Wingspan was at least ten years older than her yet he curled up on the ground writhing in pain. She saw her hoofprint in his head and the blood that drained from his fractured skull. She immediately regretted hitting him so hard as her wrist began to hurt.

    She shook her head at how pathetic he was and took up his tail in her mouth. She would have dragged him away on hoof but the sound of her hitting him had woken up half the block and she could afford to be seen. She spread her wings again and took of holding the master thief like a burlap sack.

   "Dash," sighed Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. "You know that I don't approve of you using violence to subdue a target."

    "Look at my job description," said Rainbow, dropping Wingspan at the princess' hooves. "I'm allowed to."

    Candace shook her head. It was a pity but Dash was right. When she was being instated as an agent of the Special Pony Service, part of Rainbow Dash's agreement was that she was granted permission to hurt, damage, maim and even kill whoever she saw fit. Candace now saw that giving a power like that to a live wire like Rainbow Dash was the equivalent of angering an Ursa Major.

    "It's almost morning," stated Dash. "I'll be going now."

    Candace bowed respectfully as Dash hobbled away on her injured hoof. She looked down at Wingspan. The poor pegasus was twitching like an epileptic. She had best get him to the infirmary.

    Once she reached Ponyville, Rainbow Dash had given up trying to hop around on three legs and decided to fly the rest of the way. Her wings, however, were tired from their recent exertion of speed and agility and no sooner had she rose up that she crashed into a tree.

    Too lazy to move, she decided to stay there for the night. Her cloud palace wasn't going anywhere. Okay... it would drift around all night but it wasn't going anywhere that she couldn't catch it.

    Sleep came easy. She had been up half the night searching for Wingspan and the other half chasing him. She snuggled down into the leaves and looked up into the peaceful black sky. She blinked. A slow blink that warned her brain that her body was falling asleep and to prepare. The cold night wind that had seemed so violent just an hour before, caressed her like a father and made her at home in the itchy branches. She blinked again. This one was slower, heavier. It wouldn't be long before she would finally nod off. One more blink.

    "HIYA RAINBOW DASH!"

    "What the--!" Dash inquired as she jumped up. She looked down and saw Pinkie Pie standing below her For some reason, the cotton candy colored mare was carrying a broken banjo.

     "What the hay, Pinkie?" Rainbow asked. "It's the middle of the night!" She rubbed her eyes and aggravated her hoof.

    "Noooooooooo," answered Pinkie stretching out the 'no' more than it had to be. "It's almost noon."

    Rainbow was about to call Pinkie some very colorful names when she noticed that her friend was right. The sun was already starting to descend. "But... but that's not possible," she stammered.

    "Yes it is," said Pinkie hopping away with her banjo. "It happens everyday. And they call me crazy."

    Suddenly she remembered that Ponyville was due for a bit of drizzle. Rainbow forced herself out of the tree. She couldn't keep up with her dual schedule. At night she was out on assignment for Princess Mi Pain In The Ass and in the mornings she was on weather patrol. Sleep seemed like a distant fantasy.

    She floated up to a particularly puffy cloud and tapped it. Nothing happened.

    She yawned and punched the cloud. Immediately, the puffy, white mass turned gray and belched a burst of rain.

    "Hey!" came the startled cry of Twilight Sparkle from below. "Rainbow Dash!"

    "Sorry Twilight," she yawned. She moved the cloud over to the right and kicked it, raining on Rarity this time.

    "What's gotten into you?" asked Twilight as Rarity bawled over her mane.

     Rainbow Dash fell on the cloud and closed her eyes. "I'm just tired," she admitted. "I've been working on a new case lately and it takes me until morning."

    "Excuse me?"

    Rainbow opened her eyes as soon as she realized her mistake. "I meant in the Daring Do series," she frantically tried to cover up. "Daring Do and... the... um... Land of Lies?" It was a weak attempt, she knew. She could only hope that the smartest pony in all of Equestria would somehow buy her story.

    "I remember that one," Twilight said joyously. "That's the one where Daring and Ahuizotl are teleported to--"

    Unbelievable! There was actually a Daring Do book called Daring Do and the Land of Lies. Wait a minute! "Spoiler alert!" she hissed at Twilight. Embarrassed, the plum-colored unicorn stopped talking.

    "How do you simple folk do it?" asked the prissy voice of Rarity. Miraculously, with none of her regular beauty products, Rarity had managed to dry and restyle her hair.

    "What's the matter Rarity?" asked Twilight using her raspberry hued magic to dry herself.

    Rarity turned her forever upturned head to Twilight and explained. "I do enjoy a good book but there is no way I'd lose sleep over one," she said.

    "You don't understand," Rainbow muttered. "This was a very important book."

    "Be that as it may, Rainbow Dash, Rarity is right," Twilight reasoned. "You see..."

    Celestia no! Not a Twilight Lecture. They were like regular lectures only twice as long, half as helpful and infinitely more annoying. Her salvation came in the form of a phoenix.

    Philomena flew up to Rainbow Dash before Twilight had the chance to get into her lecture. She screeched in Rainbow's ear and flew a little way off. She stopped and turned to wait for her to follow. Rainbow grumbled in annoyance and flipped her mane at the bird.

    Philomena, whose impatience rivaled that of Rainbow Dash her self, ignited her entire body. She began to glow brighter and brighter until it was impossible for Rainbow to ignore her.

    "I'll be back in a few guys," she said. "Don't wait up." She flew off after the Princess' phoenix.

    "Rainbow Dash?" asked Princess Celestia. "What is this?"

    Beside the Princess, Wingspan tried to cower. His head was bandaged and her wearing a wingbrace.

    "Oh come on!" Dash complained. "I didn't even hit his wings!"

    "He hurt them in the crash," explained Celestia.

    Rainbow was about to ask why Wingspan couldn't answer for himself when she noticed the wild fear in his eyes. The, once, hardened criminal was afraid of her. By the way he tried to hide behind the Princess, Dash knew that he wasn't planning to explain anything to her anytime soon.

    Princess Celestia sighed sadly and used her wing to push Wingspan forward again. "Rainbow Dash," she said like a disappointed mother. "I allow the SPS in order to maintain a better control of Equestria. All members of the SPS are specially trained to deal with criminals and the untrustworthy in the cities of our country. This," she pointed a hoof at Wingspan's forehead, "is not one of those ways."

    Rainbow was tired of the rules. "First of all," she said. "Criminals and untrustworthy? In the biz, we call them shit and scum. If you're lookin' to be polite, you can call them dirtbags. Second, you allow the SPS but you aren't my superior. Candace is, and she says that I can do whatever I feel like to scrape trash like this off the streets. And another thing. What you think--"

    Celestia stomped her right hoof on the ground. The marble cracked and an eerie green light escaped. The serious stare on the Princess' face was scarier than Nightmare Moon.

    "Don't you ever use language like that to me," she said. "EVER! Next, I run a country, not a dictatorship and I cannot allow you to be running about and causing brain damage based on your gut feeling. I'm sorry it had to come to this Rainbow Dash, but you are suspended from extra agency duties UNTIL you have finished your current assignment."

    Rainbow almost exploded with delight. It was like being told she could go on vacation just for misbehaving. She kept her calm demeanor, after all it was supposed to be punishment. If the Princess' found out that she actually welcomed the decision then she might give her more assignments instead.

    "Agent 003: Rainbow Dash?" said the Princess.

    Rainbow looked alert and tried to keep a straight face.

    "You are hereby dismissed until further notice."

    Dash rose mundanely into the air and turned. She left the palace with an air of melancholy around her. Instead of crying or moping or even celebrating, she made a beeline to her cloud home and fell asleep in the front yard.