First (final edition - October 12, 2015)
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
–Rabindranath Tagore
First
"Oh no. No way." Twilight Sparkle shook her head. Her horn glowed faintly as she levitated a book out of the shelf she was searching and floated it in midair in front of her. "That's something I don't get mixed up in." She trotted across her tree palace's library floor past Rainbow Dash, who was standing in the middle of the room, and set the book down on a reading stand.
"Huh? Why not?" Rainbow Dash turned in place to follow Twilight Sparkle while she moved. "It seems too important not to, if you can."
"Believe me, Rainbow, there's things I want to know. You don't know how bad it was, sometimes, during the three years when you were gone—how much I wanted to look ahead and see how it would end, and how soon you'd come home... if anypony else from Ponyville would end up going off to fight before it was over... and if anypony I knew wouldn't get to come back. And that's just in the short-term. There's also other things even bigger than that to worry about." Twilight sighed. "And not knowing those things can feel like a real weight sometimes. I understand completely how you feel."
"So if you want to know, then why not try to get the sneak preview?" Rainbow Dash asked.
Twilight left the book on the stand and turned to face Rainbow Dash. "Why not to do that was one of my earlier lessons, actually, and it was one that Princess Celestia was emphatic that she wanted me to understand before I became advanced enough to get myself into trouble by trying it without realizing all the consequences. She told me you shouldn't ever try to look at the future... at least not directly, not with magic."
"Why'd she say that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Because if you do, in the end it doesn't help you," Twilight explained, stepping a little closer to Dash. "And actually, as I've found out the hard way, it usually hurts you. The fact is, there can be such a thing as fate, and we don't entirely have the kind of control over it that you'd think knowing the future would give us. It's just the opposite—it can limit your ability to ever really do anything else."
"Yeah? How?"
"Well..." Twilight thought for a moment. "Put it like this. There's three basic possibilities. One, you may just see a lie or a false impression. That's bad, because it can only mislead you. Two, if you see something true and it's something good, it would happen anyway whether you ever saw it beforehand or not, so that doesn't really help, it just ruins the joy of the surprise and makes you feel complacent and falsely entitled. And three, if you see something true and it's bad, then you can't really change it, because the thing you saw will just end up happening as a result of whatever you try to do differently to stop it, so that doesn't help, either."
"Aww, c'mon, there has to be a way around all that," Rainbow Dash said.
"Sure there is: by making your choices in the present as best you can. But once you know what the future will be? Then no, maybe not." Twilight shook her head. "There was a great ancient civilization once. They had oracles who could say what would happen in the future, but it was always somehow a riddle that nopony really knew how to handle. The greatest tragic stories from that civilization are of the ponies who were told the future by the oracles, and tried to change it, but what they did only made it end up happening all the same. They couldn't change it because being told the future only set it in stone—it changed the present and created the conditions that made that future happen. It can get so confusing... just trust me, please. It's been tempting sometimes, but I really think it's better not to fool around with."
"Yeah, alright, I think I see what you're saying." Rainbow Dash nodded. "It's like that time Discord took my wings and then showed me Cloudsdale being totally ruined... I think it was true because it's what would have happened once Discord's power got strong enough to reach Cloudsdale and disrupt the weather magic holding the city together, but it could only have happened if I took my wings back and abandoned Ponyville trying to save Cloudsdale, which is exactly what I did because of what I saw... it's like a chicken and egg thing. I would have trapped myself into causing what I wanted more than anything to stop if you hadn't broken through and brought me back. Applejack, too. He did the same thing to her. He turned her against herself by showing her something that made her start to cause what she was trying to stop."
"Exactly." Twilight nodded. "...Why do you ask, anyway? It's not like you to be interested in magic."
"Oh... well, it's just... uhh..." Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck stiffly and looked up at the ceiling. "...Yeah, no real reason..."
"Oh, come on. It must be something," Twilight insisted. She looked at Rainbow Dash and smiled slightly while she took a few steps closer. "So what is it?"
"Well... alright, I guess it's the kind of thing that at least one other pony should know..." Rainbow Dash's voice was uncharacteristically hushed. "But... it's also not for everypony to hear. Can you keep a secret?"
"Err... not that well, sometimes," Twilight admitted. "But I suppose I can try... I mean, sure. Just... Pinkie Pie's not around, is she?" She looked around from side to side, briefly scanning the library. "Why's it need to be secret?"
"It's... just... not something ponies like to talk about, usually... and I just don't want anypony else to worry, is all." Rainbow Dash fidgeted, shifting her weight from one foreleg to another.
"Well, nice job with that. Now you're making me worry," Twilight replied flatly, folding her ears back.
"Well, you really shouldn't. I dunno..." Rainbow Dash said hesitantly, turning and looking away. "It's stupid. Maybe we should just forget it."
"No, no, you've already got the worry train rolling at this point," Twilight said. "Now we might as well finish the trip. So spit it out, sister."
"Alright, fine." Dash shrugged. "It's gonna sound weird, though."
"Yeah? Try me," Twilight grinned briefly.
"Okay." Rainbow Dash took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled in a long sigh.
"Out of all six of us—the ones who hold Elements of Harmony, I mean—I know which one of us is going to die first someday," she finally blurted out.
Twilight startled uneasily. "Huh? You what?" She stared at Rainbow Dash with an almost blank expression.
They were both silent for a few seconds. It was a bomb irrevocably dropped, and the two of them were frozen, just watching it zoom toward the ground and waiting for the impact.
"Yeah, yeah, I know how it sounds..." Rainbow Dash finally said, self-consciously.
"It sounds serious! Rainbow Dash, if you know something..." Twilight's voice was suddenly stern and steely but carried a slight waver of fright at the same time.
"What? No!" Rainbow Dash shook her head. "I mean, I don't know, as in actually know, anything. It's just... awww, how do you explain it? Like the Pinkie Sense. It's just a feeling, y'know? Something in your gut that tells you so, even when you know you can't really know for a fact."
"Alright. I suppose I'll go with it," Twilight said, cautiously. "Should I ask who it is?"
"Wellll... I guess I should ask first if you really wanna know," Rainbow Dash responded. "I mean, you just said it wasn't a good idea, so I won't say it if you don't want to hear it. Last chance to back out."
Twilight sat thinking for a moment and stared at the floor. She made a couple of weird, slowly shifting pondering faces. "You know what? Screw it, this isn't magic. At least, I don't think so," she reasoned with herself. "We might as well get it in the open. I've let it go this far, I can't just stop halfway or I know it'll drive me crazy."
"Alright." Rainbow Dash nodded. "Then I'll just say it. It's me."
"You? But... why?" Twilight tilted her head and looked at Rainbow Dash with one brow raised curiously. "Rainbow, I know that your time in service and some of the things that happened were pretty hard on you. We understand that. Really. If this is about still feeling guilty, or being in pain, or really about anything, you know you can talk to us about it. You don't have to carry things alone. You do know that... don't you?"
"No, no, it's not about that. I've gotten a lot better... I'm okay. Really, I'm okay. I knew that you'd think this was a bad thing to think about, but... it's not like that. I've had really good reasons to think about it lately, actually, and I've realized, it makes a lot of sense. Everything fits. It's just how it seems like it has to be," Rainbow Dash said.
"The future doesn't have to be any particular way," Twilight said. "Not just because of a feeling."
"I know that," Rainbow Dash said. "I know that things just happen. Sometimes there's things you just can't see coming. But I'm not talking about the freak accidents that no one could predict. I'm talking about the way things should be, if everything, you know, works out mostly the way it's supposed to."
"And how's it supposed to work out?" Twilight asked.
"Well... alright, like Applejack," Rainbow Dash began, rolling one hoof in the air. "She's got her farm to run and all her apples to harvest and all that stuff. She works harder than anypony. She cares so much about her family and her farm that she'll never quit working so hard, not for anything. She won't ever retire or even really slow down. I know she won't. I heard once that retirement is what kills old ponies, but that's something she'll never need to worry about. When somepony has a job to do, they live a little longer in order to keep doing it, and all the exercise'll keep her in great shape, I'm sure. She'll live to be good and old."
"Then there's Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash continued. "She's just not that bold, and back when we were younger I might have teased her for that because I was thoughtless sometimes, but now I actually think it isn't exactly a bad thing. She's brave when it really counts, but not a risk-taker, and we all know the meek live longer 'cause they have the common sense to run and hide when that's really the smart move. Besides, she's got all her animals to take care of. She's got so many things to live for, because so many things depend on her... and if anything happened to her, they'd do their best to take care of her right back. It's... ahh... I think 'symbiosis' was the word she used, one time, when she was explaining to me how sometimes two living things help each other out so that both of them live better than either of them could alone. Kindness gets repaid. She'll be around for a long, long time."
"Loyalty gets repaid, too," Twilight pointed out. "And that's you."
"It's not the same thing, though," Rainbow Dash said. "Loyalty gets repaid with honor... but honor doesn't always keep a pony alive."
"Fine, fair enough," Twilight said. "If that's how you see it. But what about Pinkie Pie? She eats way too much sugar. It can't be good for her."
"Yeah, maybe not. But I don't think it's really that bad for her, either. It doesn't seem to put any unhealthy weight on her. And, I mean, this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. Equestria's biggest party animal? She'll always just be a big foal at heart. I don't think she'll ever truly grow old. At least I just can't see it. She'll be partying it up when all the rest of us are pushing up daisies, especially with that Pinkie sense of hers. You just can't get the better of that mare. Believe me, I know. We've done enough pranking together."
"Okay... how about Rarity?" Twilight probed. "Tragic sewing machine accident? It could happen..."
"Oh, please." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Here's what'll happen to Rarity: she'll find her prince charming. Maybe it won't literally be an actual prince, but it'll be some stallion just as good as one, somepony who sweeps her off her hooves and treats her as well as she deserves and all that cheap paperback romance novel junk. She'll settle down, end up getting all domesticated... more than she already is. Sure, she'll keep running the boutique, 'cause it's what she loves doing, but she'll have foals, and eventually grandfoals, and that'll be the real center of her life. Again, something to live a long time for... something to keep her from taking any stupid risks and play it safe for their sake. And that'll be the right decision for her. Or at least I'm pretty sure it will be. She could always surprise me, but I just get that feeling."
"Wow. It seems like you really thought this through," Twilight said apprehensively. "I'm almost afraid to ask about me."
Rainbow Dash just looked at Twilight Sparkle for a while, quietly, with a mysterious little smile on her face. "Then... I guess I'll just say you're not going anywhere for a long time either."
Twilight let out a tiny laugh. "Okay, let's just leave it at that," she agreed with a slight nod. "But what makes you think you get any less than any of the rest of us? I mean, isn't that a little unfair to you?"
"Life's not always about fair or unfair, Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, suddenly somber, looking down at the floor. "These last three years taught me that. Sometimes, it is what it is. You just gotta take what's there. But sometimes—most of the time, I guess —if you can make the best of it, what's there is enough, because it has to be."
"So... what is there for you?" Twilight asked.
"Me? Well, I'm me." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I do stupid things. I fly too fast. I take dumb risks to try new tricks and pull stunts. I've had my close calls... I know it'll catch up to me one day, but I just can't help it. You can't not be what you are."
"What about the stabilizing things everypony else has? Like your job? You've got that already... and a family? What about having that someday?" Twilight asked. "And even without those, it's not like there aren't other things to live for... or even just to live a long life for its own sake without needing any other real reason? Just for the adventure of seeing how the world will change, and all that?"
"Do you remember why I was the one that volunteered first, those years ago when we realized that at least one of us representing the Elements of Harmony had to help fight for Equestria? Why I was chosen out of the six of us to join the army?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Yes." Twilight nodded. "I remember the discussion."
"Well, it all really comes back to that," Rainbow Dash said. "I was the best choice because of the combination of who I was, and because everypony around here would be impacted the least if I was the one to go. I was the least entrenched and the least vital around here."
"That's not true!" Twilight protested. "I mean, yes, I remember what we talked about, but it was only in relative terms, and it was only so we could make that decision at the time. It never, ever meant you weren't important. You are vital to us!"
"No, Twilight, I'm really not... not like the rest of you. My job... well, I'm good at it, I guess, but let's face it, it's nothing special. The rest of you are pretty unique, I just do a plain old day job, and I'm not even really needed every day, at that. There's plenty of other pegasi who can clear the clouds and run the weather. I wouldn't even really be missed there, as lazy as I am sometimes. I'm replaceable. I know it. That's okay, though. I don't feel bad about it because I enjoy what I do. But that's just the fact of the matter," Rainbow Dash said.
"Fine," Twilight conceded. "But—"
"And family? Can you really see me settled down in a family?" Rainbow Dash asked. "'Cause to be honest, I can't. Heck, I don't even date. It doesn't appeal to me much, really. It'd cut into my 'me' time: you know, practicing my flying, taking naps, just doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it, with my whole day. I gotta say no thanks to something that cramps my style like that. It's selfish but it's just how I am. I kinda think the feeling's mutual, anyway. I haven't noticed many ponies with an interest in me. Can't remember the last time I got a second look from anypony, actually."
"Umm... about that," Twilight said. "Can I ask a personal question?"
"Shoot," Rainbow Dash replied.
"Do you even like stallions?" Twilight asked. She looked away and started blushing slightly, cheeks flushing under her coat.
"Eh..." Rainbow Dash shrugged, a small and indifferent gesture. "Actually, I haven't thought about it very much. There's something Pinkie Pie said to me one time: in the end you like who you like, whoever and whatever they are. You find them out by experience, not by trying to plan it or decide it or by what anypony else tells you is right or wrong. It just happens and it's really not something you control. I don't think anypony can. Why?"
"No real reason... I don't mean to ask private questions or anything," Twilight mumbled in a small voice. She kept looking away, scanning around the room but not meeting Rainbow Dash's eye. "It's just that for the longest time, none of us could tell one way or another, because you didn't really give out too many clues, and... well, personally... maybe I sorta kinda might have thought you had a thing for Applejack, with the way you two are always competing and bickering but you still hang out together..."
"Oh, wow! Applejack?!" Rainbow Dash started giggling, then laughed uncontrollably. After a few seconds, Twilight Sparkle was finally able to look at Dash again. Her expression was annoyed. Dash's laughter, however, continued for a good half a minute or so.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Dash apologized, stifling down the last of her giggles. "It never really occurred to me, but I can totally see how it might look now that you mention it. But, no. I couldn't do that. Applejack's been my friend, like, forever, but never anything else. Besides, somehow I just don't think she feels that way about me, either."
"Aww, too bad," Twilight said, with a touch of a smile. "I actually thought it'd be kinda cute."
"Well, Twilight, as you oughta know, I don't do cute," Rainbow Dash said, turning her nose up in mock-disdain.
"Alright, yeah. Tough girl, I know," Twilight agreed. "So what do you do? What do you look for in somepony?"
"Me? I do loyalty. That much should be obvious, it's what I was chosen for and all. As for what I look for, well, that's a different question. What I can tell you about it is this: I guess I don't really look for much of anything, because you don't need to look for what you've already found. And what I'm about to say next is gonna sound like silly girly mush, but it's something I've realized is true: when you look for somepony else, you're really looking for another piece of yourself, somepony that compliments you, and makes you both complete... you're looking for your destiny and your place in the world..." Rainbow Dash paused, thinking.
"And that leads me to the biggest reason that I think it'll be me that's the first of us," she continued. "The day you and I met, Twilight, I still remember, and I always will, that one of the first things I ever told you was that I'd never leave Ponyville hangin'. It's the truest thing I ever said, because I found my special something. I didn't even realize it myself until not long ago when I started thinking about this, and I started to consciously wonder why it was that I didn't care very much about dating or finding a significant other. I wondered why I didn't want what everypony else seems to want. But I know now, aside from all the stuff I already said, it's also because I don't feel like I need that to be complete and to be what I'm meant to be. I'd already found my place in something. I already found my true love, so to speak... and... well..."
Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. "It's you, Twilight. You, and all the rest of my friends. Applejack, and Rarity, and Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy... maybe Fluttershy most of all, because she's my oldest friend. We were born just a week apart and I've known her all my life, since before I can remember. Our families were close. My mom even told me once that when we were foals, sometimes she nursed Fluttershy, and sometimes Fluttershy's mom nursed me, when they used to babysit for each other. It was like Fluttershy was my own twin sister. She's the first one I realized I felt this way about. It's why I've always fought for her. But it's everypony, really. It's every friend I know here in Ponyville and back in Cloudsdale, and all around Equestria... even the ones like Ditzy Doo, the ones everypony else thinks are kinda screwups. Celestia bless that featherbrain's goofy eyes, I love her too. I'd fight for her, because sometimes somepony has to. That's really the reason why I was so quick to volunteer to be the one to go to the war when we knew somepony needed to. It wasn't just because it was a logical group consensus. It was because I wanted more than anything to be the one to protect my friends. I wanted it to be me out there so that they could be safe and they wouldn't have to face the risks. For all the pain it caused me, I still don't regret that, because it saved somepony else from it. It didn't have to be somepony who... might not have made it through to come home again.
"I found the truth about myself... it's that I'm a warrior, and that I have to stand up and fight for what I believe in—for ponies I believe in. I fight because I care and I love. That's the center of loyalty. When I said that loyalty gets repaid with honor, I meant it, and I know because it fills me with a sense of honor way beyond what I can describe to know it's my place to fight the fight for ponies who can't. That's what I am on the inside, way down deep. Nothing can change that. Everything's been leading to this, I realize that now. Always wanting to be the fastest, the strongest, the best, always wanting to win... I know it's made me look like a jerk sometimes and that I've acted cocky and selfish trying to prove myself and trying to be those things. Partly it's because, I admit, sometimes I was spoiled and arrogant when I was younger and didn't know or appreciate all of what I had. I'm self-centered and I'm an attention hog. I'm not too proud of that, but what can you do? But even at the same time it's also always been because I wanted to be the greatest so that I would be the one who protects everypony. I'll always be ready for that... ready to be a shield to my friends and my home. That's why I think it'll be me first, because someday, the time will come when somepony has to make that choice and lay down for good so that other ponies can live. When that happens... I'll be ready," Rainbow Dash bowed her head, speaking softly. "That's my destiny: to die fighting, not from old age. I'll be the first in line so that it doesn't have to be one of you. I'll be ready."
"That's... that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard you say," Twilight said, breathlessly. "But... Rainbow... please... no, Rainbow... no..."
"Yeah, Twilight," Rainbow Dash replied gently. "I'm afraid so."
"You don't need to do that. You don't need to be our shield... at least not for the six of us. We should face these things together, equally. We should share the burden, because that's what friends are for. We couldn't possibly ask you... I mean, I couldn't stand it... if..." Twilight Sparkle let out a low sob. "Celestia help us all, we didn't know! We never should have put it on you, letting you be the one to go to war for us... and then for this... we're stealing the time away from your life and we never even understood. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not your fault. It never was and it never could be. Didn't I tell you? Isn't it obvious? It's me, doing it on my own, not any of you pushing me. It's what I am, and you can't not be what you are," Rainbow Dash said quietly. She walked over to Twilight Sparkle, turning to stand side by side next to her on Twilight's left. Rainbow Dash looked at her and nuzzled the side of her head, ruffling her mane a little. "The more a pony can accept that, instead of fighting it... 'cause that's pointless... the better off they are. You know that. And you can't change your destiny once you know what it is. You know that, too. You told me yourself a few minutes ago."
"I know," Twilight nodded, turning her head to look at Rainbow Dash through watery, sparkling eyes. "It just seems tragic that you'd give the most, but you'd get the shortest time because it if you do... it's... it's not fair..." She sniffed down tears.
"A star that burns twice as bright can only burn half as long, right?" Rainbow Dash shrugged. "That's not about fair, it's just the way it is."
Twilight Sparkle just stared back at Rainbow Dash with a mournful look.
"Oh, c'mon, don't be sad," Rainbow Dash giggled. "We've got lots of time left, silly filly. Lots of good times ahead. I'm sure of that. I didn't say it was gonna happen today. Maybe not even tomorrow, either. Who knows?"
"But someday..." Twilight worried.
"Someday is someday," Rainbow Dash waved her forehoof in a dismissive motion. "Don't you worry about it until then, 'cause I don't. And anyway, even if my life's a little short... well, it's been enough. I feel like I've lived the good life, 'cause I saw and did amazing things and had amazing friends. Just what I've had so far is enough for me to know it was all worth it. I won't waste any time regretting what I might not get, when all there should be is to be grateful for what I had... what I still have."
Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle just stood next to each other silently. After a few seconds, Rainbow Dash unfolded her right wing, and laid it over Twilight's shoulders. She stroked it back and forth slowly and gently, rubbing Twilight's back. They leaned against each other and stood still together for a while. Gradually, Rainbow Dash felt the tension in Twilight's muscles soften and melt away under her wing.
"I can't even imagine knowing something like this... living like that," Twilight said at last. "Doesn't it make you sad at all?"
"It makes me proud," Rainbow Dash said, smiling.
"Not afraid?" Twilight asked.
"No. Not afraid. Never afraid, not any more," Rainbow Dash said. "And even if it did, so what? I'd still never choose anything else. Wouldn't you give up your life for somepony if that's what it took, no matter how scared you were?"
"Well... yes, I'd like to think so," Twilight replied. "I'd guess that any of us six would hope we'd be able to find the strength to do it if there was no other choice."
"You understand just fine, then," Rainbow Dash said.
"No, I don't," Twilight said. "I don't understand how you could not be scared. I'd be terrified of what's coming."
"Well... alright, I guess you got me. It's not really true to say that I wouldn't be afraid in the moment. In fact, I kinda think I'd be shakin' the feathers right off my wings," Rainbow Dash admitted. "I... ehh... well, I've always sorta had a little problem with being a coward, to be completely honest. I try to hide it, be all macho-pony and everything, but..." She sighed. "I'm scared of stuff. Dying's definitely gonna be one of 'em, when it's right there in my face."
"Well, anypony would be scared then," Twilight said. "But I was talking more about just a general state of being. I'd be scared just to know it's coming, even when it wasn't immediately in front of me."
"Everypony dies," Rainbow Dash said, "and everypony knows it. But most don't obsess on being afraid of it constantly, do they?"
"Yeah, but it seems so much more... I don't know... it's less abstract, this way," Twilight said. "Like you've got a death sentence in your name somewhere, signed and ready to go."
"It doesn't feel any different to me," Rainbow Dash said, with the slightest laugh in her voice.
"How can you be so cavalier?" Twilight asked. "This is your own death you're talking about."
"Twilight, I know that. That's why I have to be like this. If I wasn't, I'd be..." Rainbow Dash shook her head.
"You'd what?" Twilight asked.
"Well, it's no secret that I came home pretty messed up in my head," Rainbow Dash said. "I was in bad shape. You remember."
"Yes, I remember," Twilight nodded. "But you've been getting better these last few months..."
"Yeah, I have. But I'd still be just as bad, or getting worse, if I couldn't be like this," Rainbow Dash said.
"But that doesn't make any sense to me!" Twilight protested. "I mean, I know that I haven't questioned how you're getting better. I just assumed that as long as there was something working for you, I wouldn't pry into it because I thought it was probably something private and I didn't want to interfere. Meddling doesn't tend to end well, after all. But you thinking about death like this... it seems like the opposite of what should be happening."
"I know it's hard to understand for somepony who hasn't done it," Rainbow Dash said. "I suppose I have to explain, and to do that I guess you'd need to know the story... so now I can tell you the last secret I've kept until now about that time."
"You don't need to tell me anything you're not comfortable with," Twilight said. "You know I wouldn't ask you to."
"It's alright. I want to," Rainbow Dash said. "I just couldn't before because it was too hard. Now it doesn't hurt as much. Now I'm ready."
"Alright," Twilight said softly. "If that's what you want, I'd be happy to listen."
"Remember how, when I got back, I would never drink? Like, ever?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Well... it's 'cause I started to have a problem, and that problem was because of this. It's the most painful thing I ever experienced, hooves down. I told you I was captured for a couple days once, and tortured a little bit before I got rescued. But what I didn't tell you about... was the other pony that was captured with me. She was a pegasus named Alabaster. I knew her all the way through combat flight school. Same class, graduated together, got sent out to the front together. We were friends the whole time. We even both wanted to be Wonderbolts. We promised each other that when we got out of the army, we would go live somewhere near Cloudsdale for a while and help each other train for the tryouts, 'cause we thought that at least one of us would have a real chance to make it into the active flight team with all the new skills and the discipline we learned in Advanced Flight Combat school."
Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. "Alabaster had pale blue eyes and a coat the color of white stone—not sparkly pure white like Rarity's, but more flat, just a touch of greyish beige off-white. Her mane was almost the same color, just the teensiest shade darker, more tan, and her cutie mark was a dark grey raincloud. She was good-looking, too. Perfectly proportioned, flowing mane, everything. When she stood still, with her looks and her color, she looked just like a beautiful statue.
"When we were captured together, I remember when they whipped her. When they lashed her so hard that drops of blood started running down her sides, I remember, just for a second, thinking to myself how strange it looked to see such dark red blood—something so alive—running from somepony who looked so much like a stone statue. I think that's why they focused on her first. Because she was prettier than me, maybe they thought she'd be softer and easier to break. I remember how they mistreated her... I remember the look of fear and pain on her face when a griffin grabbed her wing and ripped out a handful of feathers and threw them on the ground... these perfect beautiful white alabaster feathers, just gone in the wind or trampled in the dirt. And all the other things they did. What they did was so hard, Twilight... so hard... it almost worked. She almost broke. I could see it in her eyes and on her face. She was trying to hold on by just her last little thread by the end. But she made it... or I thought so at the time..."
"You both got rescued, right?" Twilight asked, tension in her voice.
"Yeah. We both got out of there." Rainbow Dash nodded. "But it hurt her too bad on the inside, Twilight. For days, she wouldn't stop crying. I tried to get her to talk to somepony but she wouldn't. She stopped talking much at all. She wouldn't even make eye contact. If somepony would try to tell her how brave she was to make it through what she had, she just brushed them off like she didn't believe it... like she didn't believe in herself anymore. I think she thought there was something wrong with her, for this to happen. She just couldn't get over it."
Rainbow Dash was quiet for a moment. "But as much as it hurt, they still needed us to keep flying. Once her physical injuries healed and the doc at the camp cleared her for flight, they sent her back up. She was in no condition for it, in her head, but they needed qualified combat fliers too badly to wait. We kept flying all kinds of missions like before, and we had just as much of all the same stress and high pressure as ever. It was killing her inside. All the anxiety and the fear she still carried around and couldn't let go of... every time I saw her land from a mission, she was shaking, covered in sweat. It was wearing her down, fast, but she just kept trying to deal with it silently because I guess she felt like complaining couldn't do any good, like nopony would listen because we needed her flying too much and couldn't afford her problems. Or maybe she just felt like she didn't deserve any better, like it was her fault somehow. So she soldiered on. And then... after a few weeks..." Rainbow Dash shook her head slowly.
"She took matters into her own hooves the only way I guess she felt like she had left. She flew up to a cloud, a little way outside the camp, and tied down her own wings to her sides as tight as she could with a length of rope. The pegasus flier on patrol guard watch at the time saw her but not until after she'd finished tying herself. It was too late to stop her by then. She closed her eyes and just ran off the edge of the cloud."
Rainbow Dash stared straight forward for a few seconds. "...And that was it," she whispered. "That was it."
Twilight stood listening to Dash's story. Tears were running down her cheeks, but she didn't make a sound.
"That's what I never told anypony around here about, ever." Rainbow Dash turned to look at Twilight. "That's my last big secret. I didn't mean to keep it, it just... hurt too much... until now."
"That's so sad..." Twilight said. Her voice was cracking. "I'm sorry, Rainbow... I'm so sorry for what happened. I can't even imagine it."
"I hope you never have to. Nopony should have to..." Rainbow Dash sighed. "Anyway... when that happened, it... it was more than I could take. Way more. Things were already hard to deal with. The things I'd already seen and the things I'd done... I mean, I'd killed by then, a bunch of times. There was already a lot of messed up stuff to handle and the stress was getting to me. But that... to see a friend that close just die on the inside and destroy herself... that's a special kind of painful. We could fight an enemy attacking from outside, but there was nothing I could do against that. All..."
Rainbow Dash sniffed heavily and swallowed a lump forming in her throat. Teardrops overflowed her eyes and escaped, running down her face without a sound. Neither of the two ponies said anything for a little while. They just stood there while Rainbow Dash gently leaned her head against Twilight's neck.
"All I could do was watch it happen," Rainbow Dash said at last, speaking through her tears. "It made me feel helpless like nothing else ever has. I had no hope left. That just drained it all out of me, because how can you fight against something already inside you? That was just too much more to take on top of everything. I finally just... broke inside. Sometimes, when Alabaster was alive, when we got off duty we would go over to the bar in the town closest to the camp. We'd drop in there and usually just get one or two drinks. We never got too plastered when we went there together, we just wanted to relax a little bit. Only... after what happened to her, I was in bad shape. Really bad. The day of her funeral, after it was over, I went in there alone and got myself a drink, and then I thought, well, hey, I guess I gotta get one for her, too, so I ordered one of her favorite drinks, and I drank it myself in her place.
"That just kept turning into another and another. I don't even remember how drunk I got, only that it was enough to make everything into nothing but a blur. I kept doing that. I kept going back every day I could and just getting blackout drunk because every time I was sober, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I was pissed off and I was hurt and lonely and I just wanted to go home but I couldn't and I didn't know what else to do. I knew that drinking doesn't solve anything but I just didn't know what else to do but try to make myself numb. Did that for... I don't know... a few weeks... I was starting down a road towards really messing myself up. I know now I was following right along behind Alabaster, just using a shot glass instead of a rope, and I couldn't stop myself. I really didn't care, though. I just couldn't anymore. Not after losing her."
Twilight looked at Dash with brows furrowed in worry. "Rainbow Dash, I never had any idea," she said.
"I know you didn't. I never told you... I didn't want to worry you with a problem I don't really have," Rainbow Dash explained. "I was able to fix it myself, and in a way, it's also how I finally got help... see, one day in the afternoon, after a morning flight job was done, I headed down to the bar and walked in, like usual, expecting to unload my bits and onload a whole lot of booze. I'd just started to flag down the bartender and order a triple of some real strong stuff that you could probably use as paint thinner, when all of a sudden somepony bit down and grabbed me in her teeth by the scruff of the neck, like I was a little filly, and dragged me outside! I didn't know what was going on. I started trying to fight and everything, but the pony who had hold of me was just too strong. She had me pinned down before I knew what was what. And after the dust settled a little, she got down in my face, and she just said, 'Dash, I know it hurts, but this isn't right and it isn't what you want'."
Rainbow Dash paused, pseudo-dramatically. "So of course, I told her in... uhhh... unrepeatable language... to stuff it somewhere."
Twilight laughed a little bit, some of the gravity in the expression on her face suddenly easing. "Who was it?" She asked.
"It was an earth pony, also in the army. Her name was Snowdrift. I recognized her from around the camp, but it's sort of funny... seemed like I was never really sure what division she belonged to. She never wore any specific insignia, and she seemed to move around from one unit to another a lot. I still don't know what her deal was. Some kind of special operations, ponies said. Something way secret, probably. She was strange looking. She had deep brown eyes, a white coat, and a jet black mane and tail... and lots of scars, all over her body. They were subtle but you could tell they were there if you ever looked at her up close. I don't really know what her cutie mark was. I think it was some kind of weapon, from the one little glance I got at part of it once, but she kept it covered up most of the time. She was secretive like that, and didn't really talk very much to anypony. But she wanted to talk that day, let me tell you. She made me calm down and promise not to run away before she let me up. Kept me pinned down until I said I would listen to her, right there in the street, with ponies walking by giving us funny looks, but she didn't care. All she cared about was me. I guess I finally opened up to her because it felt like the first time in a long time that anypony had actually cared about me," Rainbow Dash said.
"Sounds like you were lucky to have somepony keeping an eye on you," Twilight said, "even if it was somepony so strange sounding."
"You can say that again," Rainbow Dash nodded. "She saved my life, Twilight. I'm sure of it. We talked about a lot of things: about the reason I started drinking so much (which she already knew), about everything that had happened to me and how I felt, all the underlying causes. It's embarrassing to admit, but I broke down and I cried in front of her and just told her everything. We got back through all that to all my friends here in Ponyville, and why I'd joined the army and gone to fight in the first place, and she made me realize I still had things to do with this life and ponies to fight for. She made me see that it wasn't over and that starting on this path to destroying myself with liquor really wasn't what I wanted and I knew it, I just didn't know how else to handle things anymore. But she made me understand that there was a way."
"What was it?" Twilight asked.
"Letting go," Rainbow Dash said.
"That's it?" Twilight asked. "Just... letting go?"
"Yeah, it's deceptive." Rainbow Dash smiled. "But she told me, everything that makes a pony suffer on the inside comes from the things they want and won't let go of. It was what she had been taught from the time she was very young, and just knowing that was what got her through everything she'd ever been through without breaking. But... she also warned me, it would be an easy concept to understand, but hard to apply a lot of the time. She was right. I didn't really get it, not completely, most of the time I was still out there. It stuck in the back of my mind and I'd think about it but I didn't have it in me to explore the idea too much. The reminder that she'd given me of why I was there was enough, though. I didn't drink any more after that. I knew that I owed it to all of you girls to make it through and come home again. So I made it. I survived until my enlistment was over and I got discharged and I came back. But I still carried a lot of things inside, left over. You know the story from there... how I acted when I first got home. How I was still hurt."
"I'm still sorry we haven't been able to do more to help," Twilight said, hanging her head a little bit. "I feel like we owe that to you, we just don't know how."
"Aww, that's okay," Rainbow Dash said. "Nothing's your fault. Besides, like you said, I have been getting better. And the way I've been doing that is by letting go of things. In order to do that, you need to understand what it is that's inside you and what it is that you are. Over the time I've been home, when it's nice and quiet, I've been trying to work on that, and trying to think through it. Snowdrift told me that a warrior thinks about the things they're afraid of. You look at them all the time so that you learn to understand them. Death is one of those things. I know that being so close to it, the way I was in the war, put a lot of stress and fear into me. Like, a ridiculous amount. It's one of the causes of my left-over problems. So I decided I would work on facing it and understanding it. I started thinking a lot about it... and the more I thought about it and the more I realized about it, the more I started to understand that I don't need to be afraid of it."
"Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not," Twilight Sparkle said. "Something like that?"
"What was that?" Rainbow Dash asked, looking slightly askance at Twilight.
"A quote from an ancient philosopher. I read it in a book back in the Canterlot library, and that line stuck with me. But I didn't ever really 'get it', exactly," Twilight said. "Maybe mostly because I didn't want to think about it very much. I just know it's about not being scared."
"Heh, well, it sounds close enough," Rainbow Dash said with a nod. "I mean, that's exactly the thing: how bad can death actually be, when you won't even realize it once it happens? I think being dead will be just like sleeping... and I like sleeping. Why else would I do so much of it? Every time I ask myself a question like that, I keep discovering that the answer isn't so bad at all. That's why I've thought so much about death. It's a part of what's healed me. And it takes a while... I've been working on it for months, and I think it'll probably take years, or the rest of my life, and maybe I'll never be done. It's not just death, either, it's all the different painful things that happened. Killing... losing friends... and feeling helpless, that was the worst. It's not always easy. A lot of things don't have easy answers. But by trying to understand everything, I've been able to start letting go of all the bad things inside me. I'm not as angry. I'm not as scared. I'm not as guilty. I still am a lot of all those things, but it's getting easier, just a little bit at a time."
"Wow... Rainbow Dash, I'm impressed. I wouldn't have guessed for something so thoughtful and introspective from you," Twilight said. "...No offense, of course..."
"Yeah, that's okay," Rainbow Dash waved a forehoof. "I know I'm not really that much of a thinkin' pony, usually. I probably never will be."
"I'd say you've done alright." Twilight smiled. "There's ponies that spend their entire life's work as thinkers and still don't always know how to use it to help themselves when it counts."
"I guess." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "To be honest, for a while there, I wasn't sure, 'cause it's hard to see yourself from outside sometimes. But there was a dream I had, not too long ago. It helped me understand where I think I am. In this dream I was in a field, behind a hill, a little outside Ponyville. It's a real place, where I used to go play when I was a filly. This field's mostly open grass, like a big lawn, but it's got a kind of loose row of trees that somepony planted down the middle of it a long, long time ago. Oak trees. A lot of them are really old and really big. Some of them aren't in great condition anymore, either, and while I was growing up I saw some of them come down. It always seemed kind of sad to me, watching something so old and powerful finally disappear."
"Hey, I think I might know where you're talking about." Twilight's face lit up a little with recognition. "The meadow kinda out by Fluttershy's house, a little to the north... it has that old packed, worn-in dirt path that goes past the pond and winds around the side of the hill, and there's some pieces of broken fenceposts out in the tall weeds by the side of it, right? Me and Spike go there on picnics sometimes when the weather's good. I love those trees. They're so big!"
"Yep, that's the one." Rainbow Dash nodded. "And that's what this dream was about. I was walking in this field again, looking at the trees. Some of them were healthy, but a couple of them were dead and decaying, and one of them only had a single branch with a few green leaves, the rest were brown and dead. I knew that these dead trees had to fall... and they did. On their own, one by one, their trunks started collapsing under their weight and they fell over. It was slow, though. It wasn't... it's hard to describe, even though it's a clear memory. It wasn't a violent crash, it was more like a gentle release. It was like these trees were letting go of themselves. I don't know... I just had this unspoken impression that there was nothing to be scared of or sad about for them. There couldn't be. They had lived the lives they were supposed to. And now they were done. That was all. That was how it was supposed to be. After I saw that... When I woke up, I realized that I wasn't afraid. I realized that it's possible for me to accept everything I know about myself... the things I did and that happened to me, the way it was and the way it will be, and how I think it'll end. And I want it to be just like what I saw. I hope to be able to face it like they did."
"So... you're saying you'd like to be a tree?" Twilight Sparkle asked, grinning.
"Heh... yeah! I guess so!" Rainbow Dash grinned back.
"Fluttershy would be so proud," Twilight said.
The two of them broke out laughing together.
"I think we'd all be proud of you, actually," Twilight said, once their laughter began to die down. "I know I am. I think that after everything you've been through, to learn to let that go, and to just be able to face this without being so afraid... I think you might be the strongest out of all six of us."
"Even stronger than Applejack?" Rainbow Dash smirked.
"Maybe," Twilight nodded, smiling back. "I don't know for sure... but maybe."
"Ha! Finally got somepony to see I have a leg up on little miss applebuckin' earth pony!" Rainbow Dash crowed.
"Heh. Well, you only had to be willing to die for it," Twilight said. "I just hope it doesn't have to get proven anytime too soon..." A note of uneasiness was caught in her voice.
"Me too, Twilight. Me too," Rainbow Dash agreed. "Believe me, I'm not eager at all to be separated from my friends. I'd miss you all way too much. I want to be around as long as I can. I like showing up Applejack, but not that much. Not even close to that much. Being the first across the finish line is something I'd be proud of and honored to be the one to do, 'cause it has to be somepony. But I don't want the race to end until there's absolutely no choice. I'll beat Applejack, alright... but not before I'm supposed to."
Twilight smiled and nodded. "Well, that's good to—"
She was interrupted by the library's door being pushed open.
"Hey Twilight, sugarcube, are you—" Applejack's voice started drifting in, but halted suddenly when the door opened far enough for her to see Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash standing side by side. Her jaw dropped a little and her eyes opened wide.
That expression quickly changed, however, to a bemused smile. "Whoa, uhh... I can see I'm interruptin' somethin'. I'll... come back later. Sorry." Applejack backed out of the library, pulling the door shut behind her. They could hear the clip-clop sound of her hooves as she trotted off... along with a faint echo of her laughter.
"What was that all about?" For a brief moment Twilight had a puzzled look on her face, until her eyes opened wide and she turned to look back at her shoulder. Rainbow Dash's eyes instinctively followed Twilight's. They both saw at the same instant that Rainbow Dash's right wing was still resting on Twilight's back. Dash quickly lifted and withdrew it self-consciously, and folded it back against her own side. Twilight took a little side-step, opening a bit of distance between them.
"Heh... nice timing," Rainbow Dash said. "Speak somepony's name, right?"
"Oh great," Twilight said flatly. "Now what's everypony going to think?"
Rainbow Dash considered this for a second. "Eh..." She shrugged. "You know what? I don't really care. And I wouldn't worry about it. Applejack's deal is honesty, but she's got tact to go along with it. I should know, I've done lots of stupid stuff that most ponies don't know about 'cause she never blabbed. Besides... you and I both know we're just friends so what's it really matter what anypony else thinks? Just tell 'em the truth if they ask."
"I guess honesty is always the best policy." Twilight Sparkle nodded. "You're right."
Silence descended like a veil, then hung heavy in the air, seeming to grow thicker as seconds ticked by. As it dragged on, the two of them stood around, stiff and awkward, without saying anything for a little while.
"Well," Twilight finally said, finally puncturing that barrier of quiet, "not to be rude, but I do sort of have to be getting back to this project." She turned and walked back to the book she'd previously left on her reading stand. Her horn glowed and she magically flipped open the cover to the table of contents.
"Oh, yeah. Totally." Rainbow Dash nodded. She looked up at a clock on the wall. "I gotta go meet Scootaloo pretty soon, anyway. I promised her I'd give her some flight coaching today."
"That's really nice of you," Twilight commented.
"She's shaping up to be a pretty strong flier." Rainbow Dash smiled. "She's really getting into power-dive takeoffs. I like her style. Nothing like jumping off a perfectly good cliff to kick-start an awesome flight."
"I think it's good that you're spending time with her," Twilight said. "Not that many ponies get to hang out with their hero."
"Yeah, well..." Rainbow Dash looked down and scuffed a hoof across the floor. "She's pretty cool herself. And I just... well, I really wish I'd treated her better in the past. I'm a jerk. I've always just been so selfish. But I don't want her to make the same mistake. I want to be a better example now so that she doesn't repeat that cycle herself once younger pegasus kids start looking up to her."
"That's good thinking." Twilight nodded her approval.
"Yeah..." Rainbow Dash said, slowly turning toward the room's exit. "Well..."
Rainbow Dash stood there awkwardly for a few more seconds before she walked across the library toward the door. "I guess I'll catch ya later," she said, turning back to glance one more time at Twilight before departing.
"Rainbow!" Twilight Sparkle called out suddenly. "I... wait!"
Rainbow Dash stopped in her tracks and turned to see Twilight Sparkle galloping across the library towards her. When Twilight neared Rainbow Dash, she threw up her forehooves and embraced Dash in a tight hug. The unexpected force of impact caused Rainbow Dash to sway backwards a little with a brief look of surprise.
"I just... just wanted to say..." Tears broke from Twilight's watering eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "I'm glad you're my friend... and I love you. There. Said it. You're my friend and I love you. I never said that before because it's one of those things that's hard to say, because it can get taken the wrong way, but I need to because it's one of those things you should say before it's too late, so that you don't regret it forever, and... and..."
"Love you too, Twi," Rainbow Dash replied quietly. She closed her eyes and reached up to wrap one foreleg around Twilight's shoulder, hugging her, and rubbing their cheeks together affectionately. "I love you too. Thanks for being my friend. It makes it all worth it."
The End
"Accept the things to which fate binds you,
and love the people with whom fate brings you together,
but do so with all your heart."
–Marcus Aurelius
Author's Note
This... This is the story that I cut my teeth on. It's a story that honed and encouraged my writing skills when they were just starting to emerge. It was my first Equestria Daily feature. It was a lifeline the connected me with people who reached out and understood at a time in life when I felt like I was dying and there was no one else who did understand. It's a story that taught me a lot of things and got me through rough times that I've thought about long and hard almost every day since.
This story means a great deal to me, and after four years, I finally feel like I've finished it to the point of satisfaction. It's time for me to finally stop working on this and move on for good.
Thank you for reading the final edition of First.
I'm pretty sure that I'm alive today because of this story.
I don't know what else to say. Thank you all so much.
First (old version – July 25, 2014)
Author's Note
Please be aware, this is an old edition of this story. It's been archived in its own chapter for comparison to the new edition. If you haven't read this story before, I'd recommend reading that version instead—it's much more cleaned up and polished, the benefits of time and author experience having helped smooth some of the rough spots.
I've kept this old version as a sort of before-and-after thing. Maybe at some point I'll even put up the original text from late 2011 (the version that was on EqD) for further comparison. That ancient version makes me cringe at points, now, but it's a good reminder to myself of just how far I've come.
First (old version – July 25, 2014)
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
First
"Oh no. No way. That's something I don't get mixed up in," Twilight Sparkle informed Rainbow Dash matter-of-factly, shaking her head. Her horn glowed faintly as she levitated a book out of the shelf she was searching and floated it in midair in front of her. She trotted across the library floor past Rainbow Dash, who was standing in the middle of the room, and set the book down on a reading stand.
"Huh? Why not?" Rainbow Dash asked, turning in place to follow Twilight Sparkle as she moved. "It seems too important not to do, if you can."
"Believe me, Rainbow, there's things I want to know. You don't know how bad it was, sometimes, during the three years when you were gone - how much I wanted to look ahead and see how this war would end, and how soon you'd come home... If anypony else from Ponyville would end up going off to fight before it was over... And if... If anypony I knew wouldn't get to come back. And that's just in the more short-term timeframe. There's also other things even bigger than that to worry about. Not knowing can feel like a real weight sometimes," Twilight admitted. "I understand completely how you feel."
"So if you want to know, then why not try to get the sneak preview?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Why not to do that was one of my earlier lessons, actually, and it was one that Princess Celestia was emphatic that she wanted me to understand before I became advanced enough to get myself into trouble by trying it without realizing all the consequences. She told me you shouldn't ever try to look at the future... At least not directly, not with magic," Twilight Sparkle said, leaving the book on the stand and turning around to face Rainbow Dash.
"Why'd she say that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Because if you do, in the end it doesn't help you," Twilight explained, stepping a little closer to Dash. "And actually, it usually hurts you. The fact is, there can be a such thing as fate, and we don't entirely have the kind of control over it that you'd think knowing the future would give you. It's just the opposite - it can limit your ability to ever really do anything else. She said that there's three possibilities: One, you may just see a lie or a false impression. That's worth nothing, it can only mislead you. Two, if you see something true and it's something good, it would happen anyway whether you ever saw it beforehand or not, so that doesn't really help, it just ruins the joy of the surprise and makes you feel complacent and falsely entitled. And three, if you see something true and it's something bad, then you can't really change it, because the thing you saw will probably only end up happening as a result of whatever you try to do differently to try and not let it happen, so that doesn't help either."
"Aww, c'mon, there has to be a way around all that," Rainbow Dash said.
"Sure there is... By making your choices in the present as best you can. But once you know what the future will be? Then no, maybe not," Twilight shook her head. "There was a great ancient civilization once... They had oracles who could say what would happen in the future. But even when an oracle spoke plainly, it was always somehow a riddle that no pony really knew how to handle. The greatest tragic stories from that civilization are of the ponies who were told the future by the oracles, and tried to change it, but what they did only made it end up happening all the same. They couldn't change it because being told the future only set it in stone - it changed the present and created the conditions that made that future happen. It can get confusing... Although it's been tempting sometimes, and maybe I could figure it out with enough research and experimenting, I trust what Celestia says about it. I really just think it's better not to fool around with."
"Yeah, alright, I think I see what you're saying," Rainbow Dash nodded. "It's like that time Discord took my wings and then showed me Cloudsdale being totally ruined... I think it was true because it's what would have happened once Discord's power got strong enough to reach Cloudsdale and disrupt the weather forces maintaining the cloud structure of the city, but it would only have happened if I took my wings back and abandoned Ponyville trying to save Cloudsdale instead, which is exactly what I did because of what I saw... Like a chicken and egg thing. I would have trapped myself into causing what I wanted more than anything to stop if you hadn't broken through and brought me back. Applejack, too. I think he did the same thing to her. He turned her against herself by showing her something that made her start to cause what she was trying to stop."
"Exactly. And that's why it's dangerous," Twilight nodded. "Why do you ask, anyway? It's not like you to be interested in magic, you know."
"Oh... Well, it's just... Uhh..." Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck, stiffly, trailing off. "... Yeah, no real reason..."
"Oh, come on. It must be something," Twilight insisted, smiling slightly, her curiosity sparked by Dash's reluctance. "So what is it?"
"Well... Alright, Twilight, I guess it's the kind of thing that at least one other pony should know..." Rainbow Dash asked, uncharacteristically hushed. "But... It's also not for everypony. Can you keep a secret?"
"Err... Not that well, sometimes," Twilight admitted. "But I suppose I can try... I mean, sure. Just... Pinkie Pie's not around, is she?" She looked around from side to side, briefly scanning the library. "Why's it need to be secret?"
"It's... Umm... Not something ponies like to talk about, usually... And I just don't want anypony else to worry, is all," Rainbow Dash said, carrying a note of concern.
"Well, nice job of that. Now you're making me worry," Twilight replied flatly.
"Well, you really shouldn't. I dunno... Maybe we should just forget it," Rainbow Dash said uncertainly, turning and looking away. "It's stupid."
"No, no, you've already got the worry train rolling now," Twilight said. "We might as well finish the trip at this point. So spit it out," she smiled, trying to be encouraging.
"Alright, fine," Dash grinned back briefly. "It's gonna sound weird, though."
"Yeah? Try me," Twilight said.
"Okay," Rainbow Dash responded. She took a deep breath, visibly gathering her nerve and trying to suppress her misgivings about what she was about to say.
"Out of all six of us - the ones who hold the elements of harmony, I mean - I know which one of us is going to die first someday," Dash finally blurted out.
In the silence that followed, she felt a sinking sense of an irrevocable Bombs Away!!, like she'd been flying carrying something very heavy and dropped it. Now she was watching it zoom towards the ground below, getting smaller and smaller, waiting for the impact while it sped away to hit (or not hit) whatever it would. Only time would tell what came of it.
It was obviously a statement Twilight wasn't expecting and it startled her uneasily. "Huh? You what?" She looked rattled, and sat staring at Rainbow Dash with an almost blank expression.
"Yeah, yeah, I know how it sounds..." Rainbow Dash said self-consciously.
"It sounds serious! Rainbow Dash, if you know something..." Twilight began, suddenly stern and with a voice betraying a slight note of fright.
"What? No!" Rainbow Dash shook her head. "I mean, I don't know... As in, really know for sure... Anything. It's just... Awww, how do you explain it? Like the Pinkie Sense. It's just a feeling, you know? Something in your gut that you're sure of, even if you know you can't really know for a fact."
"Alright. I suppose I'll go with it," Twilight said, cautiously. "Should I ask who it is?"
"Wellll... I guess I should ask, do you still wanna know?" Rainbow Dash responded. "I thought you just said it wasn't a good idea, though, so I won't say it if you don't want to hear it. Last chance to back out."
Twilight sat thinking for a moment that seemed to hang heavily with a scent of indecision. She made a couple of weird, pondering faces. "You know what? Screw it, this isn't magic. At least, I don't think," she finally shrugged. "We might as well get it in the open. I've let it go this far, I probably shouldn't just stop halfway or I know it'll always bother me."
"Alright," Rainbow Dash nodded. "Then I'll just say it... It's me."
"You? But... Why?" Twilight asked. "Rainbow, I know that your time in the army and some of the things that happened in the war were hard on you. You've shared that with us and we understand. If this is about still feeling guilty, or in pain, or really about anything, you know you can talk to us about it. You don't have to carry things alone. You know that... Don't you?"
"No, no, it's not about that. I've gotten a lot better... It'll always hurt, now and then, but I'm okay. Really, I'm okay. I knew that you'd think this was a bad thing to think about, but... It's not like that. I've had really good reasons to think about it lately, actually, and I've realized, it makes a lot of sense. Everything fits. It's just how it seems like it has to be," Rainbow Dash said.
"The future doesn't have to be any particular way," Twilight said. "Not just because of a feeling."
"I know that," Rainbow Dash said. "I know that things just happen. Some things you just can't see coming. But I'm not talking about the freak accidents that no one could predict. I'm just talking about the way things should be, if everything, you know, worked out mostly the way it's supposed to."
"And how's it supposed to work out?" Twilight asked.
"Well... Alright, take Applejack for example. She's got her farm to run and all her apples to harvest and all that stuff," Rainbow Dash began. "She works harder than anypony. She cares so much about her job and her land, and she'll never quit working so hard, not for anything. She won't ever retire or even really slow down. I know she won't. I heard once that retirement is what kills old ponies... But that's something she'll never need to worry about. When somepony has a job to do, they live a little longer in order to keep doing it, and all the exercise'll keep her in great shape, I'm sure. She'll live to be good and old."
"Then there's Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash continued. "She's just not that bold, and back when we were younger I might have teased her for that because I was thoughtless sometimes, but now I actually think it isn't exactly a bad thing. She's brave when it really counts, but not a risk-taker, and we all know the meek live longer 'cause they have the common sense to run and hide when that's really the smart move. Besides, she's got all her animals to take care of. She's got so many things to live for, because so many things depend on her... And if anything happened to her, they'd do their best to take care of her right back. It's... Ahh... I think 'symbiosis' was the word she used, one time, when she was explaining to me how sometimes two living things help each other out so that both of them live better than either of them could alone. Kindness gets repaid. She'll be around for a long, long time."
"Loyalty gets repaid, too," Twilight pointed out. "And that's you."
"It's not the same thing, though. Loyalty gets repaid with honor," Rainbow Dash said. "Honor doesn't always keep a pony alive."
"Fine, fair enough," Twilight said. "If that's how you see it. But what about Pinkie Pie? She eats way too much sugar. It can't be good for her."
"Yeah, maybe not. But I don't think it's really that bad for her, either. It doesn't seem to put any unhealthy weight on her. And, I mean, this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. Equestria's biggest party animal? She'll always just be a big kid at heart. I don't think she'll ever truly grow old. At least I just can't see it. She'll be partying it up when all the rest of us are pushing up daisies... Especially with that Pinkie Sense of hers. You just can't get the better of that mare. Believe me, I know. We've done enough pranking together."
"Ok... What about Rarity?" Twilight probed. "Tragic sewing machine accident? It could happen..."
"Oh, please," Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Here's what'll happen to Rarity: she'll find her prince charming. Maybe it won't literally be an actual prince, but it'll be some stallion just as good as one, somepony who sweeps her off her hooves and treats her as well as she deserves and all that cheap paperback romance novel junk. She'll settle down, end up getting all domesticated... More than she already is. Sure, she'll keep running the boutique, 'cause it's what she loves doing, but she'll have some kids, and eventually grandkids, and that'll be the real center of her life. Again, something to live a long time for... Something to settle down for, keep her from taking any stupid risks and play it safe for their sake. And that'll be the right decision for her. Or at least I'm pretty sure it will be. She could always surprise me, but I just get that feeling."
"Wow. It seems like you really thought this through," Twilight said apprehensively. "I'm almost afraid to ask about me."
Rainbow Dash just looked at Twilight Sparkle for a while, quietly, with a mysterious little smile on her face. "Then... I guess I'll just say you're not going anywhere for a long time either."
Twilight let out a tiny laugh. "Okay, let's just leave it at that," she agreed with a slight nod. "But what makes you think you get any less than any of the rest of us? I mean, isn't that a little unfair to you?"
"Life's not always about fair or unfair, Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, suddenly somber, looking down at the floor. "These last three years taught me that. Sometimes, it is what it is. You just gotta take what's there. But sometimes... Most of the time, I guess... If you can make the best of it, what's there is enough, because it has to be."
"So... What is there for you?" Twilight asked.
"Me? Well, I'm me," Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I do stupid things, I fly too fast, I take dumb risks to try new tricks and pull stunts. I've had my close calls... I know it'll catch up to me one day... But I just can't help it. You can't not be what you are."
"What about the stabilizing things everypony else has? Like your job? You've got that already... And a family? What about having that someday?" Twilight asked. "And even without those, it's not like there aren't other things to live for... or even just to live a long life for its own sake without needing any other real reason? Just for the adventure of seeing how the world will change, and all that?"
"Do you remember those years ago, when we realized that at least one of us representing the elements of harmony had to help fight for Equestria in the war, why I was the one that volunteered first? Why I was chosen out of the six of us to join the army?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Yes," Twilight said. "I remember the discussion."
"Well, it all really comes back to that," Rainbow Dash said. "I was the best choice because of the combination of who I was, and because everyone around here would be impacted the least if I was the one to go. I was the least entrenched and the least vital around here."
"That's not true!" Twilight protested. "I mean, yes, I remember what we talked about, but it was only in relative terms, so we could make that decision at the time. It never, ever meant you weren't important. You are vital to us!"
"No, Twilight, I'm really not - not like the rest of you. My job... Well, I'm good at it, I guess, but let's face it, it's nothing special. The rest of you are pretty unique, I just do a plain old day job, and I'm not even really needed every day, at that. There's plenty of other pegasi who can clear the clouds and run the weather. I wouldn't even really be missed there, as lazy as I am sometimes. I'm replaceable. I know it. That's okay, though. I don't feel bad about it because I enjoy what I do. But that's just the fact of the matter," Rainbow Dash said.
"Fine," Twilight conceded. "But..."
"And family? Can you really see me settled down into a family? 'Cause to be honest, I can't. Heck, I don't even date. It doesn't appeal to me much, really. It'd cut into my 'me' time... You know, practicing my flying, taking naps, just doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it, with my whole day. I gotta say no thanks to something that cramps my style like that. It's selfish but it's just how I am. I kinda think the feeling's mutual, anyway. I haven't noticed many ponies with an interest in me," Rainbow Dash said. "Can't remember the last time I got a second look from anypony, actually."
"Umm... Can I ask a personal question?" Twilight asked.
"Shoot," Rainbow Dash replied.
"Do you even like stallions?" Twilight asked. She looked embarrassed, blushing slightly under her lavendar coat.
"Eh... Actually, I haven't thought about it very much," Rainbow Dash said with a little shrug. "I don't worry about it because of something Pinkie Pie said to me one time: in the end you like who you like, whoever and whatever they are. You find them out by experience, not by trying to plan it or decide it or by what anypony else tells you is right or wrong. It just happens and it's really not something you control. I don't think anypony can," she said. "Why?"
"No real reason... I don't mean to ask private questions or anything," Twilight blushed harder and looked like she was uncomfortable for having brought up the subject. "It's just that for the longest time, none of us could tell one way or another, because you didn't really give out too many clues, and... Well, personally... Maybe I sorta kinda might have thought you had a thing for Applejack," she mumbled in a small voice. "... With the way you two are always competing and bickering but you still hang out together and everything..."
"Oh, wow! Applejack?!" Rainbow Dash started giggling, then laughed uncontrollably for a good half a minute or so, while Twilight Sparkle looked crestfallen and annoyed.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." She apologized, stifling down the last of her laughter. "It never really occurred to me, but I can totally see how it could look now that you mention it. But no. I couldn't do that. She's been my friend, like, forever, but never anything else. Besides, somehow I just don't think she feels that way about me, either."
"Aww, too bad," Twilight said, with a touch of humor. "I actually thought it'd be kinda cute."
"Well, Twilight, as you know, I don't do cute," Rainbow Dash said, turning her nose up in slight mock-disdain.
"Alright, yeah. Tough girl, I know," Twilight agreed. "So what do you do, anyway? What do you look for in somepony?"
"Me? I do loyalty. That much should be obvious, it's what I was chosen for and all. As for what I look for, well, that's a different question... What I can tell you about it is this: I guess I don't really look for much of anything, because you don't need to look for what you've already found. And what I'm about to say next is gonna sound like silly girly mush, but it's something I've realized is true: When you look for somepony else, you're really looking for another piece of yourself, somepony that compliments you, and you them, and makes you both complete... You're looking for your destiny and your place in the world..." Rainbow Dash paused, thinking.
"And that leads me to the biggest reason that I think it'll be me that's the first of us," she continued. "The day you and I met, Twilight, I still remember, and I always will, that one of the first things I ever told you was that I'd never leave Ponyville hangin'. It's the truest thing I ever said, because I found my special something, Twilight. I didn't even realize it, myself, until just a little while ago, when I started thinking about this, and I started to consciously wonder why it was that I didn't care very much about dating or finding a significant other. I wondered why I didn't want what everypony else seems to want. But I know now, aside from all the stuff I already said, it's also because I don't feel like I need that to be complete and to be what I'm meant to be. I'd already found my place in something. I already found my true love, so to speak... And... Well..."
Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. "It's you, Twilight. You, and all the rest of my friends. Applejack, and Rarity, and Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy... Maybe Fluttershy most of all, because she's my oldest friend. We were born just a week apart and I've known her all my life, since before I can remember. Our families were close. My mom even told me once that when we were babies, sometimes she nursed Fluttershy, and sometimes Fluttershy's mom nursed me, when they used to babysit for each other. It was like Fluttershy was almost my own twin sister. She's the first one I realized I felt this way about. It's why I've always fought for her. But it's everypony, really. It's every friend I know here in Ponyville and back in Cloudsdale, and all around Equestria... Even the ones like Ditzy Doo, the ones everypony else thinks are kinda screwups. Celestia bless that featherbrain's goofy eyes, I love her too. I'd fight for her, because sometimes, somepony needs to. That's really the reason why I was so quick to volunteer to be the one to go to the war when we knew somepony needed to. It wasn't just because it was a logical group consensus. It was because I wanted more than anything to be the one to protect my friends, and to protect their happiness by defending the land that gives them the homes where they can live a happy life. I wanted it to be me out there so that they could be safe and they wouldn't have to face the risks. For all the pain it caused me, I still don't regret that, because it saved somepony else from it. It didn't have to be them, it didn't have to be somepony who... Might not have made it through to come home again."
"I found the truth about myself... It's that I'm a warrior, that I have to stand up and fight for what I believe in - for ponies I believe in. I fight because I care and I love. That's the center of my loyalty. When I said that loyalty gets repaid with honor, I meant it, and I know because it fills me with a sense of honor way beyond what I can describe to know it's my place to fight the fight for ponies who can't. That's what I am on the inside, way down deep. Nothing can change that. Everything's been leading to this, I realize that now. Always wanting to be the fastest, the strongest, the best, always wanting to win... I know it's made me look like a jerk sometimes and that I've acted cocky and selfish trying to prove myself and trying to be those things. Partly it's because, I admit, sometimes I was spoiled and arrogant when I was younger and didn't know or appreciate all of what I had. I'm self-centered and I'm an attention hog. I'm not too proud of that, but what can you do? But even at the same time it's also always been because, underneath it all, I wanted to be the greatest so that I would be the one who protects everypony. I'll always want that. I'll always be ready... Ready to be a shield to my friends and my home. When it's all said and done, that's why I think it'll be me first, because someday, the time will come when somepony has to make that choice and lay down for good so that other ponies can live. When that comes... I'll be ready," Rainbow Dash bowed her head, speaking softly. "That's my destiny: to die fighting, not of old age. I'll be the first in line so that it doesn't have to be one of you. I'll be ready."
"That's... That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard you say," Twilight said, breathlessly. "But... Rainbow... Please... No, Rainbow... No..." She choked, with watering eyes, and teardrops ran slowly down each of her cheeks even as she tried to blink them back.
"Yeah, Twilight. I'm afraid so," Rainbow Dash replied gently.
"You don't need to do that. You don't need to be our shield... At least not for the six of us. We should face these things together, equally. We should share the burden, because that's what friends are for. We couldn't possibly ask you... I mean, I couldn't stand it... if..." Twilight Sparkle let out a low sob. "Celestia help us all, we didn't know! We never should have put it on you, letting you be the one to go to war for us... And then for this... We're stealing the time away from your life and we never even understood. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
"Hey, hey, now. It's not your fault. It never could be. Didn't I tell you? Isn't it obvious? It's me, doing it on my own, not any of you pushing me. It's what I am, and you can't not be what you are," Rainbow Dash said quietly, trying to calm her friend. She walked over to Twilight Sparkle, turning to stand side by side next to her, on Twilight's left. Rainbow Dash turned her head, looking at Twilight, and muzzled the side of her head comfortingly, ruffling her mane a little. "The more a pony can accept that, instead of fighting it... 'cause that's pointless... The better off they are. You know that. And you can't change your destiny once you know it. You know that, too. You told me yourself a few minutes ago."
"I know," Twilight nodded, turning her head to look at Rainbow Dash through sad, water-lensed eyes. "It just seems tragic that you'd give the most, but you'd get the shortest time because it if you do... It's... It's not fair..." She sniffed down tears.
"A star that burns twice as bright can only burn half as long, right?" Rainbow Dash commented. "That's not about fair, it's just the way it is."
Twilight Sparkle just stared back at Rainbow Dash with mournful eyes.
"Oh, c'mon, don't be sad," Rainbow Dash giggled. "We've got lots of time left, silly filly. Lots of good times ahead. I'm sure of that. I didn't say it was gonna happen today. Maybe not even tomorrow, either. Who knows?"
"But someday..." Twilight worried.
"Someday is someday," Rainbow Dash waved her forehoof dismissively. "Don't you worry about it until then, 'cause I don't. And anyway, even if my life's a little short... Well, it's been enough. I feel like I've lived the good life, 'cause I saw and did amazing things and had amazing friends. Just what I've had so far is enough for me to know it was all worth it. I won't waste any time regretting what I might not get, when all there should be is to be grateful for what I had... What I still have."
Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle just stood next to each other silently. After a few seconds, Rainbow Dash unfolded her right wing, and laid it over Twilight's shoulders. She stroked it back and forth, slowly, gently rubbing Twilight's back. Twilight silently stood still for a while, enjoying the sensation and the companionship.
"I can't even imagine knowing something like this... Living like that," Twilight said at last. "Doesn't it make you sad at all?"
"It makes me proud," Rainbow Dash said simply, smiling.
"Not afraid?" Twilight asked, wiping away a tear.
"No. Not afraid. Never afraid, not any more," Rainbow Dash said. "And even if it did, so what? I'd still never choose anything else. Wouldn't you give up your life for somepony if that's what it took, no matter how scared you were?"
"Well... Yes, I'd like to think so," Twilight replied. "I'd guess that any of us six would hope we'd be able to find the strength to do it if there was no other choice."
"You understand just fine, then," Rainbow Dash said.
"No I don't," Twilight said. "I don't understand how you could not be scared. I'd be terrified of what's coming."
"Well... Alright. I guess you got me. It's not really true to say that I wouldn't be afraid in the moment of the situation. In fact, I kinda think I'd be shakin' the feathers right off my wings," Rainbow Dash admitted. "I... Ehh... Well, I've always sorta had a little problem with being a coward, to be completely honest. I try to hide it, be all macho-pony and everything, but..." She sighed. "I'm scared of stuff. Dying's definitely gonna be one of 'em, when it's right there in my face."
"Well, anypony would be scared then," Twilight said. "But I was talking more about just the general concept. I'd be scared just to know it's coming, even when it wasn't immediately in front of me."
"Everypony dies," Rainbow Dash said. "And everypony knows it. But most don't obsess on being afraid of it constantly. Nopony should be afraid of the idea."
"Yeah, but it seems so much more... I don't know... Distinct, this way," Twilight said. "Like you've got a death sentence in your name somewhere, signed and ready to go."
"It doesn't feel any different to me," Rainbow Dash said with the slightest laugh in her voice.
"How can you be so cavalier?" Twilight asked. "This is your own death you're talking about."
"Twilight, I know that. That's why I have to be like this. If I wasn't, I'd be..." Rainbow Dash fell silent and shook her head.
"You'd what?" Twilight asked.
"Well, it's no secret to you that I came home from the war pretty messed up in my head. I was in bad shape. You remember," Rainbow Dash said.
"Yes, I remember," Twilight nodded. "But you've been getting better these last few months..."
"Yeah, I have. But I'd still be just as bad, or getting worse, if I couldn't be like this," Rainbow Dash explained.
"But that doesn't make any sense to me!" Twilight protested. "I mean, I know that I haven't questioned how you're getting better. I just assumed that as long as there was something working for you, I wouldn't pry into it because I thought it was probably something private and I didn't want to interfere. Meddling doesn't always end well, after all. But you thinking about death like this... It seems like the opposite of what should be happening."
"I know it's hard to understand for somepony who hasn't done it. I suppose I have to explain just how I've been getting better," Rainbow Dash said. "And to do that I guess you'd need to know the story... So now I can tell you the last secret I've kept until now about that time."
"You don't need to tell me anything you're not comfortable with," Twilight said.
"No, no... I want to tell you," Rainbow Dash said. "I just couldn't before because it was too hard. Now it doesn't hurt as much. Now I'm ready."
"Alright," Twilight said softly. "If you want. I'd be happy to listen."
"Remember how, when I got back, I would never drink? Like, ever? Even if somepony else bought me a drink?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Well... It's 'cause I started to have a problem, and that problem was because of this. It's the most painful thing I ever experienced, hooves down. I told you I was captured for a couple days once, and tortured a little bit before I got rescued. I didn't tell you about the other pony that was captured along with me at the same time. She was a pegasus named Alabaster. I knew her all the way through combat flight school. Same class, graduated together, got sent out to the front together, we were friends the whole time. We even both wanted to be Wonderbolts. We promised to each other that when we got out of the army, we would go live somewhere near Cloudsdale for a while and help each other train for the tryouts, 'cause we thought that at least one of us would have a real chance to make it with all the new skills and the discipline we learned in Advanced Flight Combat school."
Rainbow Dash thought for a moment, lost in memories. "Alabaster had pale blue eyes and a coat the color of white stone - not sparkly pure white like Rarity's but more flat, just a touch of greyish beige off-white. Her mane was almost the same color, just the teensiest shade darker, more tan, and her cutie mark was a dark grey raincloud. She was good-looking, too. Perfectly proportioned, flowing mane, everything. When she stood still, with her looks and her color, she looked just like a beautiful statue. When we were captured together, I remember when they whipped her. When they lashed her so hard that drops of blood started running down her sides, I remember, just for a second, thinking to myself how strange it looked to see such dark crimson blood - something so alive - running from somepony who looked so much like a stone statue. I think that's why they focused on her first. Because she was prettier than me, maybe they thought she'd be softer and easier to break. I remember how they mistreated her... I remember the look of fear and pain on her face when a griffin grabbed her wing and ripped out a handful of feathers and threw them on the ground... Her perfect beautiful white alabaster feathers, just gone in the wind or trampled in the dirt. And all the other things they did. What they did was so hard, Twilight... So hard... It almost succeeded. She almost broke. I could see it in her eyes and on her face. She was trying to hold on by just her last little thread. But she made it... Or I thought so at the time..."
"You both got rescued, right?" Twilight asked, hanging on the suspense.
"Yeah. We both got out of there," Rainbow Dash nodded. "But it hurt her too bad on the inside, Twilight. For days, she wouldn't stop crying. I tried to get her to talk to somepony but she wouldn't. She stopped talking much to anypony. She wouldn't make eye contact. Even if somepony would try to tell her how brave she was to make it through what she had, she just brushed them off like she didn't believe it... Like she didn't believe in herself anymore. I think she thought there was something wrong with her, for this to happen. She just couldn't get over it."
Rainbow Dash was quiet for a moment. "But as much as it hurt, they still needed us to keep flying. Once her physical injuries healed and the doc at the camp cleared her for flight, they sent her back up. She was in no condition for it, in her head, but they needed qualified combat fliers desperately. We kept flying all kinds of jobs like before, and we had just as much of all the same stress and high pressure as ever. It was killing her inside. All the anxiety and the fear she still carried around and couldn't let go of... Every time I saw her land from a mission, she was shaking, covered in sweat. It wore her down, fast. But she never complained. She just kept trying to deal with it silently because I guess she felt like complaining couldn't do any good, like nopony would listen because we needed her flying too much and couldn't afford her problems. Or maybe she just felt like she didn't deserve any better, like it was her fault somehow. So she soldiered on. And then... After a few weeks..." Rainbow Dash shook her head sadly.
"She took matters into her own hooves the only way I guess she felt like she had left. She flew up to a cloud, a little way outside the camp, and tied down her own wings to her sides as tight as she could with a length of rope. The pegasus flying patrol guard on watch at the time saw her but not until after she'd finished tying herself. It was too late to stop her by then. She closed her eyes and just ran off the edge of the cloud. And that was it."
Rainbow Dash stared straight forward for a few seconds, distantly, lost in memory. "That was it."
Tears were running down Twilight's cheeks by now, as she stood listening to Dash's story in silence.
"That's what I never told anypony around here about, ever. That's my last big secret. I didn't mean to keep it, it just... Hurt too much... Until now," Rainbow Dash finished.
"That's so sad..." Twilight finally said at last. Her voice was cracking as she tried not to break down crying openly. "I'm sorry, Rainbow... I'm so sorry for what happened. I can't even imagine it."
"I hope you never have to. Nopony should have to..." Rainbow Dash sighed. "Anyway... When that happened, it... It was more than I could take. Way more. Things were already hard to deal with. The times I'd killed fighting in the war, the things I'd already seen and the things I'd done... It was already a lot to handle and the stress was already getting to me. But that... To see a friend that close just die on the inside and destroy herself... That was a special kind of painful. You could fight an enemy attacking you from outside, but there was nothing I could do against that. All..."
Rainbow Dash's eyes were watering. She sniffed heavily and swallowed a lump forming in her throat. Teardrops overran Rainbow Dash's eyes, despite her effort to resist them, and escaped, running down her face, though she didn't let herself make any sound as they did. Neither of the two ponies said anything for several minutes. They just stood there, together, quietly shedding tears. They leaned together, gently, taking comfort in each other's presence in the midst of their sorrow.
"All I could do was watch it happen," Rainbow Dash said at last, speaking through her tears. "It made me feel helpless like nothing else ever has. I had no hope left. That just drained it all out of me, because how could there be, against something already inside you, something you can't fight? That was just too much more to take on top of everything. I finally just broke inside. When me and Alabaster would get off duty sometimes we would go over to the bar in the town closest to the camp. We'd drop in there and usually just get one or two drinks. We never even got close to drunk when we went there together, we just went to relax a little bit. Only... After what happened to Alabaster, I was in bad shape. Really bad. The day of her funeral, after it was over, I went in there and got myself a drink, and then I thought, well, hey, I guess I gotta get one for her, too, so I ordered one of her favorite drinks, and I drank it myself in her place... That just kept turning into another and another. I don't even remember how drunk I got, only that it was enough to not have any memory. I kept doing that. I kept going back every day I could and just getting blackout drunk because every time I was sober, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I was depressed and I was hurt and lonely and only wanted to go home but I couldn't and I didn't know what else to do. I knew that drinking doesn't solve anything but I just didn't know what else to do but try to make myself numb. Did that for... I don't know... A few weeks... I was starting down a road towards really messing myself up. I know now I was following right along behind Alabaster, just using a shot glass instead of a cloud, and I couldn't stop myself. I really didn't care. I just couldn't anymore. Not after losing her."
"Rainbow Dash, I never had any idea..." Twilight began. She looked at Rainbow Dash with concern, cheeks still wet and eyes still misty.
"I know you didn't. I never told you... I didn't want to worry you with a problem I don't really have. I was able to fix it myself," Rainbow Dash explained. "And in a way, also, it's how I finally got help... See, one day in the afternoon, after a morning flight job was done, I headed down to the bar and walked in, like usual, expecting to unload my bits and onload a whole lot of booze. I'd just started to flag down the bartender and order a triple of some real strong stuff that you could use as a paint thinner, when all of a sudden somepony bites down and grabs me in her teeth by the scruff of the neck, like I was a little filly, and drags me outside! I didn't know what was going on. I started trying to fight and everything, but the pony who had hold of me was just too strong. She had me pinned down before I knew what was what. And after the dust settled a little, she got down in my face, and she just said, 'Dash, I know it hurts, but this isn't right and it isn't what you want'."
Rainbow Dash paused, pseudo-dramatically. "So of course, I told her in... Unrepeatable language... To stuff it."
Twilight laughed a little bit, despite her own still tear-stained face, easing some of the gravity of the story. "Who was it?" She asked.
"It was an earth pony, also in the army. Her name was Snowdrift. I recognized her from around the camp, but it's sort of funny... Seemed like I was never really sure what division she belonged to. She never really wore any specific insignia, and she seemed to move around from one unit to another a lot. I still don't know what her deal was. Some kind of special operations, some ponies said. Something way secret, probably. She was strange looking. She had deep brown eyes, a white coat, and a jet black mane and tail... And lots of scars, all over her body. They were subtle but you could tell they were there if you ever looked at her up close. I don't really know what her cutie mark was. I think it was some kind of weapon, from the one little glance I got at part of it once, but she kept it covered up most of the time. She was secretive like that, and didn't really talk very much to anypony. But she was talkative that day, let me tell you. She made me calm down and promise not to run away before she let me up. Kept me pinned down until I said I would listen to her, right there in the street, with ponies walking by giving us funny looks, but she didn't care. All she cared about was me. I finally opened up to her because it felt like the first time in a long time that anypony had actually cared about me," Rainbow Dash said.
"Sounds like you were lucky to have somepony keeping an eye on you," Twilight said. "Even if it was somepony so strange sounding."
"You can say that again," Rainbow Dash nodded. "She saved my life, Twilight. I'm sure of it. We talked about a lot of things... About the reason I started drinking so much (which she already knew), about everything that had happened to me and how I felt, all the underlying causes. It's embarrassing to admit, but I broke down and I cried in front of her and just told her everything. We got back through all that to all my friends here in Ponyville, and why I'd joined the army and gone to fight in the first place, and she made me realize I still had things to do with this life and ponies to fight for. She made me see that it wasn't over and that starting on this path to destroying myself with liquor really wasn't what I wanted and I knew it, I just didn't know how else to handle things anymore. But she made me understand that there was a way."
"What was it?" Twilight asked.
"Letting go," Rainbow Dash said.
"That's it?" Twilight asked. "Just... Letting go?"
"Yeah, it's deceptive," Rainbow Dash smiled. "But she told me, everything that makes a pony suffer on the inside comes from the things they want and won't let go of. It was what she had been taught as part of her training as a warrior from the time she was very young, and just knowing that was what got her through everything she'd ever been through without breaking. But... She also warned me, it would be an easy concept to understand, but hard to apply a lot of the time. She was right. I didn't really understand it, not completely, most of the time I was still out there. It stuck in the back of my mind and I'd think about it but I didn't have it in me to explore the idea too much. There was always too much else on my mind. The reminder that she'd given me of why I was there was enough, though. I didn't drink any more after that. I knew that I owed it to all of you guys to make it through and come home again. So I made it. I survived until my enlistment was over and I got discharged and I came back. But I still carried a lot of things inside, left over. You know the story from there... How I acted when I first got home. How I was still hurt."
"I'm still sorry we haven't been able to do more to help," Twilight said, hanging her head a little bit. "I feel like we owe that to you, and we just don't know how."
"Aww, that's okay," Rainbow Dash said. "Nothing's your fault. Besides, like you said, I have been getting better. And the way I've been doing that is by letting go of things. In order to do that, you need to understand what it is that's inside you and what it is that you are. Over the time I've been home, when it's nice and quiet, I've been trying to work on that, and trying to think through it. Snowdrift told me that a warrior thinks about the things they're afraid of. You look at them all the time to learn to understand them and take away that fear. Death is one of those things. I know that being so close to it, the way I was in the war, put a lot of stress and fear into me. Like, a ridiculous amount. It's one of the causes of my left over problems. So I decided I would get rid of that by facing it and understanding it. I started thinking a lot about it... And the more I thought about it and the more I realized about it, the more I started to understand that you don't need to be afraid of it."
"Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not," Twilight Sparkle said. "Something like that?"
"What was that?" Rainbow Dash asked, looking slightly confused.
"It was a quote, from an ancient philosopher. I read it in a book back in the Canterlot library, and that line stuck with me. But I didn't ever really 'get it' very much," Twilight said. "Maybe mostly because I didn't want to think about it very much. I just know it's about not being scared."
"Heh, well, it sounds close enough," Rainbow Dash said with a nod. "I mean, it's like this: how bad can death actually be, when you won't even realize it once it happens? I think being dead will be just like sleeping... And I like sleeping. Why else would I do so much of it? Every time I ask myself a question like that, I keep discovering that the answer isn't so bad at all. That's why I've thought so much about death. It's a part of what's healed me. And it takes a while... I've been working on it for months, and I think it'll probably take years, or the rest of my life, and maybe I'll never be done. It's not just death, either, it's all the different painful things that happened. Killing... Losing friends... Feeling helpless, that was one of the worst. It's not always easy. A lot of things don't have easy answers. But by trying to understand everything, I've been able to start letting go of all the bad things inside me. I'm not as angry. I'm not as scared. I'm not as guilty. I still am a lot of all those things, but it's getting easier bit by bit."
"Wow... Rainbow Dash, I'm impressed. I wouldn't have guessed for something so thoughtful and introspective from you," Twilight said. "... No offense, of course..."
"Yeah, that's okay," Rainbow Dash waved a forehoof. "I know I'm not really that much of a thinkin' pony, usually. I probably never will be."
"I'd say you've done alright," Twilight smiled. "There's ponies that spend their entire life's work as thinkers and still don't always know how to use it to help themselves when it counts."
"I guess," Rainbow Dash said. "To be honest, for a while there, I wasn't sure, 'cause it's hard to see yourself from outside sometimes. But there was a dream I had, not too long ago. It helped me more consciously understand where I think I am. In this dream I was in a field, behind a hill, a little outside Ponyville. It's a real place, where I used to go play when I was a filly. This field's mostly open grass, like a big lawn, but it's got a kind of loose row of trees that somepony planted down the middle of it a long, long time ago. Most of them are oak or elm. A lot of them are really old and really big. Some of them aren't in that great a condition anymore, either, and as I was growing up I saw some of them come down. It always seemed kind of sad to me, watching something so old and powerful finally disappear."
"Hey, I think I might know where you're talking about," Twilight said, her face lighting up a little with recognition. "The meadow kinda out by Fluttershy's house, a little to the north... It has that old packed, worn-in dirt path that goes past the pond and winds around the side of the hill, and there's some pieces of broken fenceposts out in the tall weeds by the side of it, right? Me and Spike go there on picnics sometimes when the weather's good. I love those trees. They're so big!"
"Yep, that's the one," Rainbow Dash nodded. "And that's what this dream was about. I was walking in this field again, looking at the trees. Some of them were healthy, but a couple of them were dead and decaying, and one of them only had a single branch with a few green leaves, the rest were brown and dead. I knew that these dead and dying trees had to fall... And they did. On their own, one by one, their trunks started collapsing under their weight and they slowly fell over. It wasn't... It's hard to describe, even though it's a clear memory. It wasn't a violent crash, it was more like a gentle release. It was like these trees were letting go of themselves. I don't know... I just had this unspoken impression, that there was nothing to be scared of or sad about for them. There couldn't be. They had lived the lives they were supposed to. And now they were done. That was all. That was how it's supposed to be. After I saw that... When I woke up, I realized that I'm not afraid any more. I'm ready to accept everything I know about myself... The things I did and that happened to me, the way it was and the way it will be, and how I think it'll end. And I want it to be just like what I saw. I hope to be able to face it like they did."
"So... You're saying you'd like to be a tree?" Twilight Sparkle asked, amused.
"Heh heh... Yeah! I guess so!" Rainbow Dash laughed.
"Fluttershy would be so proud," Twilight said.
The two of them broke out laughing together.
"I think we'd all be proud of you, though," Twilight said once their laughter began to die down. "I know I am. I think that after everything you've been through, to learn to let that go, and to just be able to face this without being so afraid... I think you might be the strongest out of all six of us."
"Even stronger than Applejack?" Rainbow Dash asked with a grin.
"Maybe," Twilight nodded, smiling amusedly. "I don't know for sure... But maybe."
"Ha! Finally got somepony to see I have a leg up on little miss applebuckin' earth pony!" Rainbow Dash crowed.
"Heh, well, you only had to be willing to die for it," Twilight said. "I'd just hope it doesn't have to get proven anytime too soon..." A note of uneasiness caught in her voice.
"Me too, Twilight. Me too," Rainbow Dash agreed. "Believe me, I'm not eager at all to be separated from my friends. I'd miss you all way too much. I want to be around as long as I can. I like showing up Applejack, but not that much. Not even close to that much. Being the first across the finish line is something I'd be proud of and honored to be the one to do, 'cause it has to be somepony. But I don't want the race to end until there's absolutely no choice. I'll beat Applejack, alright... But not before I'm supposed to."
Twilight smiled and nodded. "Well, that's good to - "
At that moment, Twilight Sparkle was interrupted by the library's door being pushed open. A voice came from the other side of the door, and it was - of course - none other than Applejack's.
"Hey Twilight, sugarcube, are you - " She began speaking as the door swung open, but halted suddenly when it opened far enough for her to see Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash standing side by side. Her jaw dropped a little and her eyes opened wide in surprise, momentarily.
Applejack's face quickly changed to a bemused slight smile, however. "Whoa, uhh... I can see I'm interruptin' somethin'. I'll... Come back later. Sorry," she backed out of the library, pulling the door shut behind her. They could hear the clip-clop sound of her hooves as she trotted off... Along with a very faint, so quiet that neither Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash was sure if they'd just imagined it, sound of her laughter.
For a split second, Twilight had a puzzled look on her face, until a realization hit her and she looked back at her shoulder. Rainbow Dash's head instinctively turned to follow Twilight's glance. They both saw at the same instant that Rainbow Dash's right wing was still resting on Twilight's back. Rainbow Dash quickly lifted and withdrew it, self-consciously, and folded it back against her own side. Twilight took a little side-step, opening a bit of distance between them.
"Heh... Nice timing. Speak somepony's name, right?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Oh great," Twilight said, in an unamused voice. She looked almost ready to facehoof. "Now what's everypony going to think?"
Rainbow Dash thought about this for a second. "Eh..." She shrugged. "I don't really care. And I wouldn't worry about it. Applejack's deal is honesty, but she's got tact to go along with it. I should know, I've done lots of stupid stuff that most ponies don't know about 'cause she never blabbed. Besides... You and I both know we're just friends so what's it really matter what anypony else thinks? Just tell 'em the truth if they ask."
"I guess that always is the best policy," Twilight Sparkle nodded. "You're right."
The two of them stood around without saying anything for a little while. After Applejack's inadvertant barging in, things seemed to get more awkward as time went by.
"Well..." Twilight finally said, "Not to be rude, but I do sort of have to be getting back to this project," she turned back to the book she'd previously left on her reading stand, and flipped open the cover to the table of contents.
"Oh, yeah. Totally," Rainbow Dash nodded. She looked up at a clock on the wall. "I gotta go meet Scootaloo pretty soon, anyway. I promised her I'd give her some flight coaching today."
"That's really nice of you," Twilight commented.
"She's shaping up to be a pretty strong flier," Rainbow Dash smiled. "She's really getting into power-dive takeoffs. I like her style... Nothing like jumping off a perfectly good cliff to kickstart an awesome flight."
"I think it's good that you're spending time with her. Not that many ponies get to hang out with their hero," Twilight said.
"Yeah, well..." Rainbow Dash sounded a little embarrassed. "She's a good kid, and she's turning out to be pretty cool now that she's a little older. And I just... Well, I really wish I'd treated her better in the past. I'm a jerk. I've always just been so selfish. But I don't want her to make the same mistake. I want to be a better example now so that she doesn't repeat that cycle herself once younger pegasus kids start looking up to her."
"That's good thinking," Twilight nodded approvingly.
"Yeah..." Rainbow Dash said, slowly turning and heading for the door. "Well..."
Silence was hanging heavy in the air. It felt like it formed a curtain between them, somehow quelling the freeness of conversation. Rainbow Dash walked across the library floor and was almost ready to leave. She was about to pull the door open and depart for the world outside. "I guess I'll catch ya later," she said.
"Rainbow! Wait. I..." Twilight Sparkle called out, suddenly, stopping Rainbow Dash in her tracks. She turned to see Twilight Sparkle galloping across the library towards her. When she reached Rainbow Dash, she threw up her forehooves and embraced Rainbow Dash in a tight hug. The unexpected force of impact caused Rainbow Dash to sway backwards a little with a brief look of surprise.
"I just... Just wanted to say..." Tears broke from Twilight's watering eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "I'm glad you're my friend... And I love you. There. Said it. You're my friend and I love you. I never said that before because it's one of those things that's hard to say, because it can get taken the wrong way, but I need to because it's one of those things you should say before it's too late, so that you don't regret it forever, and... And..."
"Love you too, Twi," Rainbow Dash replied quietly, closing her eyes and basking in her friend's embrace with a smile. "I love you too. Thanks for being my friend. It makes it all worth it."
The End
"Accept the things to which fate binds you,
and love the people with whom fate brings you together,
but do so with all your heart."
