DSP Encounters Bugged Princess Mechanics
THESE CONTROLS ARE BROKEN!
Princess Luna had had quite a long and difficult day, or should I say night. She normally spent the entirety of the night watching over pony's dreams, and then slept through the day unless absolutely needed for anything at that time. Safe to say, it usually left her exhausted.
As she trotted down the corridor back to her room, the sun having only just risen, she decided she needed to relax a bit. Clearly the job had been getting to her, so the obvious thing to do was to take to her newly acquired hobby.
One of the batponies who served as her guards stood by the door, clearly waiting to be relieved. "Was it an easy night, your highness?" she asked, a brief flicker of red and black mane visible underneath her blue helmet.
"Alas, it was not," Luna replied, illuminating her horn and pushing open the door with her magic. "Your duties are finished for the night. You may rest now."
The batpony nodded. "Yes, your highness," she said, and trotted off down the corridor whilst an EUP guard replaced her.
Luna closed the door behind her and adjusted the curtains, her eyes not yet used to their brightness. Sitting to the side of the room, and at a side to her bed, was a desk with a small machine in it, and a television monitor next to that.
It turned out that in the considerable amounts of time that had elapsed between her banishment and her return, the world had changed a lot. One of these changes was the development of strange boxes called computers, sort of an automatic counting machine. A subtype of these machines was a device called a console, designed to run things called games. Luna had tried one out and had found them quite interesting, not least the social interaction this produced. One of the benefits of being behind chat or a microphone was it masked her social awkwardness.
"I suppose a round or two of online multiplayer would not be apropos," Luna said to herself, brushing a portion of her mane out of her eyes. She took a seat, fired up the console, popped a pair of headphones over her ears, and powered up Call of Pony.
Phil Burnell, also known as DarkSydePhil, was also a gamer, and an incredibly bad one at that. His ineptitude was unlike anything ever seen online before or since, not to mention his habit of blaming his hardware for his own failings. Today was streaming day, and he powered up his PS3 for tonight's stream.
"Tonight I'll be streaming some Call of Duty multiplayer," he said, as he pointed his camera at the television (Phil was too lazy to buy a capture card). "Let's see what team we got for team deathmatch."
He squinted at the screen, a consequence of his short sightedness and refusal to wear glasses when gaming. "Huh? What sort of username is that? MoonHorse10102010? What sort of username is that?"
Seconds later, the match got underway, and he bumbled his way across the battlefield, not paying proper attention to what he was doing. As he ran through the main open area of the field, he was suddenly shot and killed.
"WHAT? WHAT????" he said, in this ridiculous manner he always did. "I died for no reason!"
The killcam came up on the screen, with the text informing him that MoonHorse10102010 had killed him. "They probably used cheats."
Luna was listening in on the conversation, as this individual had left his chat microphone on. She switched to private chat with Rainbow Dash, who was also in the game. "Prithee tell, Rainbow Dash, what be this buffoon clogging up the chat?"
"Oh, him?" Rainbow Dash replied. "That's a guy whom we only know as DSP. He's really bad at this ga-" There was a brief gunshot, and Rainbow Dash cursed over the mic. "Right, I'm getting you for that!"
Luna had taken up position with a sniper rifle on a nearby rooftop, and once again she saw the person marked as DSP bumbling through the central plaza, again, taking the exact same route as before. She had no trouble lining up a shot, an fired. One more kill to her name.
It had happened again? "OH MY GOD! THIS USER MUST BE CHEATING! MY CONTROLS ARE BUGGED!" He smashed his controller on the table a few times. "WORK, CONTROLS, WORK! Son of a bitch!"
The people in the stream were deriving a lot of amusement from this turn of events. One was taking close notes, intending to use them in a video on how not to play this game. But Phil did not care one bit. His systems were clearly not working, and the other person was clearly resorting to cheat codes to win.
So, he decided to change things a bit. He ran into the plaza instead of walking- and immediately got hit again, his third death in a row to the same player.
"Hey, could you stop being useless and actually contribute?" said another player over the mic.
"What a moron," said another.
This finally drove Phil over the edge, and his fury was so great it could have caused the planet to explode. "I'M SO TIRED OF THIS SHIT! THIS PLAYER IS SO BAD AND IS CHEATING, AND MY LAGGY CONTROLS AREN'T LETTING ME WIN!" He punched his table to make his point.
Perhaps the reason you're having a hard time is because you don't take care of your equipment, somebody wrote in the chat.
Phil took a moment to ban them, then continued his rant. "THIS FUCKING CRETIN CLEARLY CAN'T PLAY GAMES! I WANNA PUNCH THEM SO, SO HARD! I want them to come here, then I could whoop their sorry ass in local multiplayer!"
Luna was taken aback by this outburst. What in Equestria had happened since she had left that people were speaking in such terms? Had these words all been invented in the time she was away? "Goodness me!" she said. "Didst thou all hear that?"
"Yeah," Twilight Sparkle said. "That's pretty normal, though, from him."
"Nopony should ever have to be the recipient of such abuse," Luna said. "Something must be done, and forthwith." She quickly changed monitors and looked up DSP to find out where he lived, and then suddenly vanished.
Phil realised something was up when the sky outside turned black, and there was no sun at all. "What the fuck?"
"THOU HAST MADE A BIG MISTAKE!" boomed a loud and distorted voice. "WHAT DOST THOU HAVE TO SAY FOR THYSELF?"
"Where are you? And why do you speak in such a strange manner?"
Suddenly, a gigantic horse appeared in front of him. She was jet black, and had blue eyes peering out from underneath a light blue helmet. Her enormous wings must have taken up most of the room, and her horn scraped the ceiling. Spectral energies hovered around where her mane and tail should have been. More blue plate was scattered across her body.
"I AM THE ONE WHO WILL BANISH THEE IF THY WAYS DO NOT CHANGE! TAKE HEED, ALL WHO WITNESS THIS BROADCAST! NIGHTMARE MOON WARNS THEE, BE COURTEOUS TO THOSE YOU SEE IN GAMES, OR ELSE!" And just as suddenly as she had appeared, she vanished.
Phil was shaking from the scene so much that he didn't notice the sun reappear.
Amazing effects, Phil! said one user in the chat. I didn't know you were a brony, though.
Luna reappeared in her room, and switched off the Nightmare Moon illusion. "I will confess I do not take delight in that form. But alas if it makes things better online so be it."
"Did you do something, Luna?" Twilight asked. "DSP has gone rather quiet."
"I offered the scoundrel a deal he could not refuse," Luna replied, and resumed the game, taking a quick slurp of a drink as the match came to an end.
Author's Note
Well, this is my first G4 story in a very long time! Princess Luna is a character I like and can relate to (but haven't really written about), so I thought I'd give Gamer Luna a whirl in this silly short story.
DSP is indeed a real YouTuber, generally known for being hopelessly incompetent at video games and offending everybody under the sun. It felt good to give him a taste of his own medicine.
The guard is a nod to a fan character a friend of mine, JimmyHook19202122, created. Here she is:
