Chapters Time to roll out and chew the scenery
The letter I was holding was probably the most important letter of my life so far, and frankly I doubted if anything could ever top it. This letter from the casting director was my ticket into Hasbro Studios, the place where My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic was recorded and animated. I was extremely excited. You see, there had been an open audition in Equestria Daily for a supporting role in the show, and I'd made it! Oh my gosh! I was going to be the luckiest man to ever call himself a brony. To actually have my voice in the show we all loved!
The building didn't look very fancy from the outside, just the Hasbro logo in the sand-coloured wall. I figured they produced other shows in this place as well. The polite janitor slash doorman or something let me in as soon as he saw the letter and even gave me directions to find the casting director. How nice! I took the stairs to the second floor and was knocking on the casting director's door in no time.
The casting director was a charming woman in her forties. She had dark brown hair down to her shoulders and wore glasses. ”Eric, was it?” she said and I nodded to her. She gestured me inside the crammed office. ”Alright. You must be pretty excited being here.” This time I felt I needed to express myself with something else than a simple nod.
”Uh, of course I am! Friendship Is Magic is a really good cartoon.” I didn't try to hide my enthusiasm and most likely I couldn't have done that anyway.
”Thank you. It's hard work, and I'm glad you like it. Now before we can get you a tour around the studios” – my grin almost cut my face in two – ”I'd like our producer to meet you first.” I knew it wasn't going to be Lauren Faust herself since she wasn't around anymore, but my excitement wasn't about to fade.
The woman continued: ”He's not far. I'm going to fetch him here. Meanwhile feel free to check out some of the random props we keep in this room. Especially the TARDIS interior is really cool.” She stormed out and closed the door. There really was a plethora of random props in the office. Actually the only ”office-like” items were the desk and the two chairs. There were tons of cardboard cutouts and miniature set pieces, and yes, a life size blue TARDIS model.
I wasn't a huge fan of Doctor Who, so at the time I didn't find it strange that such a thing was located in some random Hasbro storage. Of course I had to check it out – after all she did mention the interior. I opened the surprisingly heavy door and jumped in. It actually looked bigger from the inside! Not as big as the “real” TARDIS but still at least twice as big.
But as soon as I stepped over the threshold, the door shut violently, almost knocking me down. ”Oh my, I accidentally locked the door instead of opening it and letting you out!” said the casting director's voice from outside. ”Fortunately I have the key, so don't worry!” The following three seconds I tried to grasp the situation, but it was cut short as all the lights and the screen in the TARDIS turned on at the same time. ”Silly me! I turned it on! Don't worry about the loud noises and bright lights Eric. That's how a true model is supposed to work.”
”Let me out!” I screamed at the door. The whole thing was shaking, and all the flashing lights were hurting my eyes. I was on my way to a real migraine if I didn't get out right away!
”Oh crap!” she yelled and I almost wet myself. ”It looks like I broke the key! Hold on, I'll get another one.” I couldn't take it anymore so I began to cry.
”Please, hurry! I don't wanna die! I'm too young – I've never even had sex!”
There was a brief bout of laughter before she said anything. ”Don't you worry about that, Eric. Where you're going there are plenty of pretty girls to choose from.” The shaking, and rumbling, and flashing were intensifying with every passing second. It was hard to make out the casting director's words. ”Say hi to... ...stia for me! And Ap... ...oom too!” she shouted.
One last blinding flash and my world went black.
= = = I I I I = = =
I going to make this clear: yes, I woke up in Ponyville, and yes, I was a pony. For a while I happily admired the scenery, shook my cool red mane around, and even wagged my tail like a well-fed puppy. Walking was a bit hard but only for the first few steps, since every brony has practiced walking on all fours in case of lucid dreams (which I’d never had, but the practice came in handy).
I was all joy despite that I'd got tricked to come here. Who would've known Hasbro had a working inter-dimensional TARDIS-shaped teleporter? Explains how they got Equestria depicted so well, but still... This should qualify as an abduction to the police, though I don’t think they’d believe me. Also, I was an earthpony, so no flying or magic spells, but Applejack and Pinkie Pie were earthponies and they were awesome.
Anyway, that splendor lasted for a full five minutes and then everything went to hell. It started with Rainbow Dash.
I'd ended up on a dirt road maybe a quarter mile away from the nearest houses in Ponyville. I saw Rainbow walking (not flying) down the road towards me, probably on her way from Cloudsdale. RD being best pony, I decided to grab her attention.
”Hey, Rainbow Dash! You rock!” I expected her to be pleased to get a random compliment. She stopped on her tracks about fifteen feet from me.
”Excuse me?” Rainbow said, her voice a little rough. Did she have a sore throat or something?
”Nothing. Just cheering for the greatest flyer in all of Equestria.” She trotted closer. She had a set of saddlebags on her.
”You want an autograph or something?” Her voice was really rough. Like inside Rainbow Dash had somepony else to speak for her. I had to ask.
”Is there something wrong with your voice? It sounds strange.”
”No, dude, it's the voice-acting. I don't speak my lines myself.” I laughed a little at the joke as she finished writing on the piece of paper and put the pen back in her bag. I took the paper and read it.
”Who's... 'Marleen Feldt'?” I asked. If this was a joke I didn't get it. She turned around, and that's when I saw it – or actually it was the lack of it, the lack of a cutie-mark. My wide open mouth and continued staring at Rainbow Dash's flank made her facehoof. When she very slowly revealed her pissed off face, my world was only an inch away from imploding on itself. She looked at the ground and said:
”Shit.” That was it. Implosion imminent. ”Shit, shit, SHIT!”
”Rainbow Dash did you just swear?”
”YES! Because another one of you fucking idiots got sent here again and I wasn't told nothing!” Did Rainbow Dash just say...
”Fuuuuuck?” My voice had been reduced to a pathetic whine. She finally turned to look at me.
”Yes, you are fucked! Shit out of luck!” She looked angry enough to buck my teeth in or worse.
”Wait, wait, waaait!”
”You motherfucker!” she interrupted. If it had been a gentler word I probably would've enjoyed getting yelled at by RD, but this was too much. I had to make her stop – for the good of us both.
”Why are you angry at me? I've done nothing to you or anypony else.” She rolled her eyes. Yes, it was working! I carried on, maybe crying, maybe not: ”I'm new here. I just ended up here in a–”
”Blue TARDIS model? Yeah, of course you did.”
I tried to come up wit a cool way to express my astonishment (and to make up for some of the crying), but all I could say was: ”What? How did you know?”
”Uhh... Let's start over. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the producers.”
”Producers?”
”Friendship Is Magic is a tv show.”
”And?” In hindsight I think I could've worded myself a little better.
”It's not real. We're all just acting.”
Suddenly the world was a much darker place, though it wasn't supposed to be. I was literally in Ponyville, literally talking with a sky-blue, rainbow-maned pegasus, and I was literally one of those talking ponies myself. None of that made sense, but none of this made sense either! If this could happen, anything could. What if party.mov turned out to be real? All I could say was a quiet and depressed: ”Oh...”
”Don't take it too hard...”
”Eric,” I said.
”Right. I was on my way to the set; you can tag along. Let's go meet the others.”
”The others? I... I don't know.” The Elements of Harmony could be... They could all be...
”Might as well break the whole thing to ya right away. They're not that bad. They're not as bad as me, I can promise you that. Oh yeah, Eric, I'm Marleen Feldt, but you can call me M–”
”NO! I can't!” I realized I'd just startled her, and considering that temper it felt better to take it easy. But I couldn't let this happen anyhow, at least not yet. ”I mean... can I call you Dash?”
”No. Hell no.”
”Please, just for today? I don't think I can take this all at once.” She gave me an annoyed look. It was that annoyed look! Something recognizable, yay!
”Fine,” she said, and I regained a spring to my step – for that one last time.
= = = | | | | = = =
The way to Ponyville was uneventful. I didn’t want to push my luck with the name thing even though she’d just agreed with it. Everytime I was about to say something it started with “Rainbow Dash” in my head. I decided to wait for some more answers.
If this place was nothing but a fine tv set, it sure was the finest I’d ever seen. It looked just like Ponyville! Only in 3D! The revelation made me finally understand why 3D films were so popular.
And there she stood, Twilight’s library tree. It was as beautiful as the show had made me imagine.
Dash trotted up to the door and pushed it open. “Yo, Talia,” she said, and I felt my nose start to bleed. “I got us a new friend to join the show.”
“Somepony new? How wonderful!” said a voice that was actually quite close to the original. As I followed Dash inside I couldn’t help letting out a squeal of joy: all the books were there, the bedroom upstairs was there, and of course Twilight Sparkle herself was there, reading a book.
“Talia, this is Eric,” said Dash. Twilight got up to greet me.
To my utter dismay, as we shook hooves she said: “Hello, Eric. Don’t mind what Rainbow said about the names. I’m Twilight Sparkle, the one and only.” Insanity, I welcome you.
“Somepony tell me what’s going on!” I screamed like a sitcom character, which wasn’t too far from my current situation.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Talia!” said Dash. “Eric, I’m not lying. We are all actresses! Talia just takes her role more seriously.”
“But the library! But Twilight! But everything!”
“Eric is right Rainbow Dash, let’s not confuse him any longer. It’s cruel,” said Twilight.
“What she said! What Twilight said!” I cried, but Dash just shook her head at me.
She said: “Look, I’m telling the truth, want it or not.” She took off her saddlebags. Despite any missing cutie marks, what was missing now sealed the deal, so to speak. I’ve never been good at describing things, but the scream I let out could’ve thrown Edvard Munch’s Scream beyond thunderdome, even beyond our solar system to another galaxy far far away.
It went like this: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WIIIIIIIIIINGSS! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!”
“And no damn horns either.”
“WHAAAAAAT!?”
“They’re plastic strap-ons. Talia just wears hers all the time,” said the wingless abomination.
“No, I don’t. I’m Twilight Sparkle and my horn is as much a part of me as the rest of my head,” said the purple creature.
“Shut up, Talia. You’re making it worse for the new guy!”
“I am the Element of–”
SLAM! That’s what the door said when I... slammed it shut behind me. How many times will this world screw me over before it’s done? Five times? Nine times? Eleven hundred bucking times!? By what I was hearing, Dash was chasing Twilight around the library to snatch her horn. Wow, is that something to make a fuss about in /co when I get back...
If I get back. Hey, is that little guy...
“Spike,” I said, thinking that at this point saying anything more than necessary resulted in a figurative kick to the nuts. Though I fully expected Spike to do that anyway.
“Yeah?” he said, his voice higher than Cathy Weseluck’s. He was carrying a small black notebook and a pencil.
“You are Spike.”
“Yeah. You want an autograph?”
“No thanks. I just want to know if your name is Spike and not Bruce, or Wayne, or Captain America or something.”
“Well... You’re not very far from the truth.” Oh dang, I should’ve known. “To ponies I’m Spike, but my true name is–” I didn’t understand what he said next. I couldn’t even reproduce the sounds he made. If the word had any syllables, it must’ve had at least seven, but not a single vowel. If I’d heard that sound while walking down the street, I would’ve called the authorities – and not just the cops but the animal warden, pest control, fire brigade, child services, FBI, alien hunters and so on.
“What was your name again?” said “Spike”.
“Eric. I think I’m to join the cast or something like that.” A cheesy grin escaped my lips. C’mon, talking about the cast of Friendship is Magic with Spike the dragon himself !
“Aww, shit.” My ears had done enough bleeding, but I had to struggle to keep my eyeballs in their sockets. “This was supposed to be a day off! I’m here only to pick up the waffle iron Mara had borrowed.”
“Dash!” I yelped. The reptile goggled at me for a second, breaking to a seemingly helium-assisted laugh. “She’s in the tree with Twilight.”
“I know. Y’know, I guess we gotta hold a good welcome party to get you acquainted.”
Excitement ran fresh in my veins once more, but what if Pinkie was a heavy drinker, a colt in drag, or maybe just a pink badger with some cotton candy on top. I couldn’t let my hopes very high up – and almost any height seemed too high.
I settled for around one inch when Spike flipped open the notebook and revealed that it wasn’t a notebook but a cell phone. Yeah, a bucking Taiwanese HTC. He put it on his ear and said: “Spike here. Please, tell me you’re still sober... I know that, but sometimes I think you’re drunk when you wake up. So, haul your rear over to the library. We got us a new cast member... If it’s any consolation I’m pretty darn pissed too, but you gotta come.”
“Who was that?” I asked as Spike hung up.
“It was Hillah, but she’s not the only one I’m gonna call.” Great job, Eric, another fine question for today. Spike tapped in another number. “Jetta, it’s Spike. We got a new guy here at the library so could you... Good, but don’t take them with you. They take it so hard, remember? See ya.”
Spike didn’t close his phone for a good while, so I got a little bored. Even though it was a sunny day it must’ve been raining not long ago, as there were small pools scattered around the library. I walked up to one of them to check my looks. My coat was yellow like butter, pretty much like Fluttershy but maybe a tad darker. My mane was a cool shade of red and quite a bit longer than my hair used to be, but it still didn’t get on my eyes.
My brilliant amber eyes... Oh, hell.
“Spike,” I said when he’d finished his calling marathon, “do I look like Apple Bloom?” He took a moment to stare at me and guffawed.
“You come pretty close. They’ll probably cast you as one of the Apples. You may even get Braeburn’s parts if he’d needed,” said Spike.
“Okay, but what happened to the original Braeburn?” I asked. Spike rolled his eyes and cringed.
“Dave... It was kinda complicated. But I know for certain that in the end he’d pissed off at least three mafia families in Canterlot” – Spike tilted his head, widening the awkward grin he had – “and also some secret league of assassins.” – another short pause after which Spike sighed – “not forgetting that really violent donut shop unicorn.”
“Joe!?”
“Eric, his name was Dave. A real troublemaker, I don’t know what his special talent was, but it sure wasn’t swimming with concrete shoes.”
It seemed I still hadn’t run out of depressed “oh”s. Braeburn was fish food, a pony who’d only seen water in a bucket had been shoved off some pier to a watery grave. Maybe this Equestria didn’t have all those magnificently malicious villains, but wow did that only make things worse. Wreaking destruction across cities and whole nations isn’t nearly as heartless as murdering somepony, especially if that somepony was Braeburn.
Spike waved at me and said: “Hey, we’re very sad that he’s gone, but it was a good lesson to learn. Anyway, I got most of the guys coming over. We should wait inside the library.”
“Twilight and Dash are there,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“They’re crazy.”
“I know. Or at least Talia is. She hasn’t taken a break from that role in two years.” For once my “oh” wasn’t depressed. In fact, I think I laughed a little even though I shouldn’t. Obsessions can be bad for anypony.
Strangling the heat and the heated
- | === o O 0 O o === | - -
Spike told us that nopony lived very near the set, and so it’d take awhile for anypony to arrive. We waited. Twilight picked up a book and started reading, Dash didn't read a Daring Do (whether or not those existed), and Spike slouched in a bean bag chair, playing Angry Birds . I, on the other hoof, waddled deep in self-pity. Considering how things had gone so far, it was only a matter of time before I’d snap. Maybe Celestia would turn out to be a normal pony with stilts, maybe Equestria was a democracy, or maybe Luna... now wait a second.
“Spike.”
“Not now, Eric. I’m beating Mara’s score.” Dash jumped out of whatever she was doing and went next to Spike, staring incredulously at the small screen. She barely dodged Spike’s fist, as he sprang up victorious. “Ha! Take that, Rainbow head!” Half a second later Dash had already caught the phone.
“Nobody beats my score. Not even Mr. Fingers,” said Dash and began playing. I interrupted Spike before he could reply:
“I gotta ask about Luna.”
“Which one? Our current Luna or the one who got herself fired?”
“Fired?” That’s actually the first thing to make some sense in this land. I knew it had to be something bigger than just the artists completely forgetting how she looked like.
“Yes,” Spike went on, “when she found out she was a celebrity in the internet she started demanding a huge pay raise for her next appearance. Instead of changing her contract they simply ended it. Nobody’s heard of her since.”
“How can you have internet access?” Suddenly a load of important questions came to mind. “How did you end up making this show? How do you send the episodes to Earth? How did–”
“Whoa, Eric, one at a time!” Spike yelled and the room fell silent – apart from Dash’s constant taunting at the pigs. Spike gestured at Twilight. “I’ll have the egghead answer your questions for now, while I’m off to boil some water.”
Spike strutted away to the kitchen. Twilight had been listening, so she was already composing an answer before I got to ask anything. “Blah-blah-blah, technobabble-technobabble, magic-magic-bing-bang-bops. Go fish.” My jaw was slowly getting used to the constant dropping.
“Twilight would never say that!” I said in a hopeless subconscious attempt to bring order into the chaotic world.
“She isn't Twilight, you fucking– Aagh! Talia, your kettle heats from the outside!” echoed Spike’s voice from the other room. I couldn't be very upset about Spike getting burned like that, not anymore. Yeah, I guess bathing in lava was too outrageous to have actually happened. Who cares? Ponies are just better off without some fire-breathing reptilian beasts trying to hunt them down.
I turned to Twilight again, but she was back reading her book. The closest thing to Twilight Sparkle in the multiverse had left me hanging without an answer. What a horseapple. But I wouldn’t say that to her face, I couldn’t. Dash hadn’t stopped playing for a second, and Spike was somewhere treating himself. To get things going, somepony should barge into the library right about now. Now.
Or now.
Or now.
Not now, but maybe... now.
Fourteen minutes later there was a knock on the door and two familiar ponies trotted in.
“Hello, Mara and... Twilight,” said the pony that in other circumstances would be called Applejack in a very tame and gentle voice – obviously without the trademark accent. She wasn’t wearing her hat either. The other pony was “Rarity” with hair rollers in her mane and a look on her face that said “I just woke up and haven’t had my coffee”.
“Hi, Agent Orange!” Spike yelled out from somewhere.
“Spike, shut up! Nobody asked you anything,” said the orange pony. I tried to get their attention by whistling: it worked with the orange one, but “Rarity” just kept staring at the wall like a zombie.
“Hello,” I said. “I’m Eric, the new guy.” Applejack was so cute without her hat. Who cares about the voice when she has those big green eyes and a smile so warm it would’ve saved Titanic. I wanted to hug her, but she’d sue me for sexual harassment if I did.
“Well how do you do, Eric? This here is Hillah, and I’m– ”
“Orange! Take a look at this; I’m beating Spike’s score!” Dash interrupted, which totally screwed up the cute Applejack face.
“You too, Mara. Shut. Up!” The mare’s negative attitude towards the chemical didn’t need much clarification. The white one greeted me with a growl I barely heard and wandered off to the kitchen. “Sorry about that. These so-called ‘friends’ still have trouble understanding very simple concepts.” I nodded, wanting to hug her again.
“It’s all in good fun, Orange,” Twilight chimed in.
“Talia, not you too. You were supposed to be the smart one.” Mixing a sarcastic tone into that sweet voice made her sound downright sinister. But in a cute way. “Ignore them. So what made you join our little crew?”
That was a pretty tough question for being the first. “Well, I got stolen here by an evil casting director in a blue TARDIS model.” Not something I thought I was ever going to say.
“Huh...” AJ lookalike said, clearly faking surprise, “exactly the same that had happened to the previous guy.”
“I really wanna meet this ‘previous guy.’”
“Yeah, you two probably have lots in common. Are you one of those– ”AAGH! Talia, what the hell is wrong with your kettle!? ” After a quick survey, the howl couldn’t have come from anypony but “Rarity”. Keeping with the theme she had a typical North American accent learned from television programs and her voice sounded middle-aged. The fact that she was screaming might have had something to do with it. I heard Twilight snickering maliciously.
AJ noticed it too: “Must be one funny book. Sugar cube. ” Twilight gave her a disapproving glance and dug back into her book, though I wasn’t sure if she was really reading it. I didn’t like this Twilight. Actor or not, she was the devil. AJ on the other hoof had many qualities that a normal person would have. She probably had a set of skeletons in her closet, but normal people had those too.
“I saw your eye twitch a little when I said sugar cube, so I bet you’re one of those ‘bronies’, aren’t you,” said AJ. “I have no idea how confused you’re feeling, but it’s still magnitudes better than what late Dave had to endure.” Dave?
“Braeburn Dave?”
Twilight stopped pretending to read her book again and joined in: “He hadn’t even the slightest clue of where he was. The casting director had told him nothing, he’d never seen any My Little Pony cartoons, hadn’t even been near a live horse in his life...”
FLASHBACKSTORYTIME
“Dave, you can unlock the door now. You can’t stay in that closet forever,” said Spike in the most pathetic voice he could produce. Nobody was trying to open the door to the closet anymore, for Dave had jammed the handle from inside.
“I wouldn’t be so sure. Maybe not forever, but I already found snacks,” Dave’s voice exclaimed. The group outside also heard the crispy sound of plastic wrappers. In addition to Spike, Talia, Orange, and Deemi were in the cafeteria/meeting/recreational wing of the studio building located in the northern side of Ponyville.
“Who’s Deemi? Never mind, if it’s not necessary I don’t wanna know.”
“There are no snacks in there,” Spike said, a little unsure. Deemi promptly shoved him aside, almost smashing through the door.
“No! It’s my soap! Don’t eat it, please!” she cried.
“Smells like peanut butter. Why would you keep soap in a... wherever I am.”
“C’mon, Dave, why would you eat Deemi’s soap?” Talia chimed in.
“Because I’m a kidnapped prisoner. You can lie as much as you want, but I know you’re all in it. I’m staying here until I wake up.”
“There’s a perfectly good explanation for everything,” Talia continued. “Come out and we’ll break it down to you.”
“How about you just break it down to me. I don’t need to know how things went with Dave; I didn’t know him.”
FLASHBACKSTORYTIMEENDSABRUPTLY
Twilight furrowed her brows at me, to which I told her what Spike had told me. She didn’t look very happy.
“There’s something really wrong with you, isn’t there,” I said. She mumbled something about helping in the kitchen and left me with AJ and Dash, who’d dozed off.
“What do you want to start with?” AJ asked. Even though the mention of snacks had waken up my appetite, I still accepted explanations as an hors d’oeuvre . The first would be a tough one:
“Why?”
“Simple, all pony actors have been female for centuries. This time though, I heard they got a strict word to have stallions played by real stallions, and they quickly hired all male actors in the country. For every new role we need another.” As shocking as it already was, AJ added to the unease by delivering it more or less without expression.
“So you kidnap people from another world!? You think that’s okay? How can you not feel disgusted at yourselves?” The noise shook Dash awake, but I thought she deserved it for some reason.
“Don’t you start pointing hooves at me . At least I’m not jerking you around like Talia. Why are you so angry anyway? I thought big fans like you would give their left nut for a chance to visit Equestria.” I awkwardly stared in front of me for a moment. Indeed I had my hoof pointing at AJ’s face. I took it down.
“I guess... but– ”
“You thought we’d be in character,” she said, an ounce of pity in her voice – which I deserved, maybe even needed. “Thought we’d be running around in peace and harmony. I’d be bucking trees, Twilight Sparkle studying magic, and Rainbow Dash taking care of the weather. How crazy would that be?” Very crazy, bordering insane, but I didn’t think she was looking for an obvious answer.
Instead of facing AJ, I let my gaze rest at the library floor. It wasn’t difficult to make out that it wasn’t made of solid wood like it should’ve been. The patterns were just paint. Of course I’d expected Equestria to be just like in the show. I was ecstatic when I first got here, wasn’t I? Why would talking ponies (and Spike) be anything else than magical?
I looked at her again, biting my lip. “Can I still call you AJ?” I put up my most adorable expression.
“Gah... it’s still better than that other nickname .” She said the last words as if strangling a crocodile with a snake at the same time.
“You mean Agent Orange?” I wasn’t a very smart pony. Any possible hugs had to wait.
- <> | << T:T:T >> | <> - -
The six of us were having a picnic-style lunch in the shade of the tree. I was relieved to find out that ponies didn’t eat meat, but on the other hoof there was Spike happily munching a couple of mice-on-a-stick. I tried to pretend they were quartz or something, though that failed when a whole tail got stuck between his teeth for ten minutes.
The tail jiggling as his mouth moved, Spike informed us that the others were on their way, but had probably chosen to eat as well except “Ria”, who was going to join us in a...
...moment. There she was! It was Fluttershy! I wasn’t good with descriptions, but I think my fanboy squee could’ve powered a neutron star with its pure, unprotected joy. Somewhere in the back of my head a warning sign was telling me to stop what I was doing and not wreck what could be the last soothing sight by running over to her. As one would guess, I ignored it.
“Fluttershy, Ria, or whatever your name is, PLEASE! Don’t be a complete monster under that fragile and irresistibly cute surface.” I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but she definitely saw me coming. In a completely unfluttershyish manner, she stood unfazed and stared at me with her eyes half open. As I closed in, I saw that the rest of her face also showed no emotions bar indifference.
At this point I had little to no control over my body and I lunged to glomp her. Either I miscalculated, or she took a step back, but I landed on the ground right before her hooves. I recovered immediately and grabbed her foreleg. “Remember when I thought that Rainbow Dash was best pony? I lied. It was always you, Fluttershy.”
I knew that she’d drop the bomb at me any moment now. However, time seemed to slow down to a crawl even a snail would have no trouble beating. The sweet yellow hairs in my nose, the bitter dirt in my mouth, and possibly a spider trying to peel my lids open and enter my eye. Every passing nanosecond made me enjoy it even more.
“Stranger, I find your hooves are in the wrong place.” It was good while it lasted. If you taught a litter of kittens to be chain-smokers about right after they were born, then let them live and smoke a pack a day until they were old enough to buy the farm, then stuffed them inside a jar and shook it for an hour, and then finally hung them all on a string and strangled them in front of a microphone... you’d probably get tons of hate mail from PETA, and a lawsuit, but the sound wouldn’t be too different from “Fluttershy’s” voice.
I was getting pretty good with these description things.
Stack 'em brown beans high
-_-_- + ^ |*| ^ + -_-_-
I wasn’t sure how long I could’ve held on to that leg. However, since I was hoping she’d pull Flutterguy on us and never speak another word, I let go at the first kick to the ribs. It was a gentle kick, no broken bones, only pain. Thank goodness she didn’t turn out to be the most talkative of ponies, yet everytime she opened her mouth I had to cover my ears and start singing Winter Wrap Up in my head (French version is best version).
It wasn’t just that her voice was torture, but she also had the strangest accent. Like an Eastern European who’d learned English in Little Italy. I asked AJ about it.
“Why are you asking me? Ria’s right there.” Have you ever heard her talk? is what I wanted to say, but I was raised to behave politely. I braced myself.
“Stranger, my accent” – l’hiver s’enfuit, l’hiver s’enfuit – “is Germaneyan.” Huh, Germaney existed. Who would’ve guessed? But then...
“What accent did Photo Finish have? Certainly wasn’t the same as yours,” I said, hoping somepony else would answer.
“That was German,” Twilight quipped. “We don’t do the voices, remember?” I facehooved. Of course, that even made sense. However, there were still lots of things that didn’t, but it seemed like some unknown force made me learn about these things one at a time in slow succession. It made everything sink in a little more easily, sure, but I had been with these ponies for almost three hours, still not knowing a load of things I probably should. Like everytime I get somepony to answer me something, she or he gets interrupted or suddenly shuts up. Like I was being kept clueless on purpose.
The situation called for a plan. If I could isolate one of the group, I might be able to create a closed environment with just the two of us. I could eliminate the possibility of interruption as well as keep the other from backing off. Deciding who’d be my target was difficult. I had to weigh their personalities and characteristics carefully in order to be able to make the best decision. Naturally, I picked the weakest.
“Spike, can we talk in private?” I asked.
“Why?” he replied nonchalantly.
“I have to... It’s a guy thing.” My unexpected brilliance almost made me smile a little, but I was able to cover it with a cough. Spike wiggled his hairless eyebrows at the mares.
“Sure, let’s go around back,” he said and hopped to his feet. He was surprisingly fast for being such a round ball with two legs and a tail. A little like the Gnomes in World of Warcraft. We skirted to the sunny side of the tree.
To my surprise, Spike began immediately: “Okay, Agent Orange has been with the same guy for over ten years, Hillah only goes out with other drunks, Mara doesn’t do guys, and Talia is into some really really disturbing things...”
“Wait, what–”
“...That leaves you with Ria, but it looks like you’re scared of her ‘cause she’s Germaneyan.”
“Wha– I don’t care that she...” I tried to grasp my wavering plan but realised I had no fingers, and it slipped away like buttered soap.
“Don’t worry, you haven’t met them all yet,” Spike said like a wannabe Jamaican surfer.
“That’s not what I wanted to talk about!” I yelled, getting a confused look from Spike.
“What? You need help in the bathroom? Eric, you don’t need a penis to see that you’re better off asking the ladies about that.”
“It’s not about that either!” Though asking would probably make it easier. Could save some time too.
“What’re you guys talking about?” said Twilight from behind me, the rest of the gang on her tail. They’d heard us, obviously. They interrupted me, and devastated my plan. My plan to bring some sense to this... This bucking mess of horseapples and other crap.
Eloquently, I said: “Why are you doing this to me!?” Or more importantly: “What makes you do this to me!? Every word you say makes me more angry and confused!”
“You sure it’s not just puberty?” Spike quipped, making the mares guffaw briefly. I found no way to answer him without resorting to violence so I stayed silent, my face contorting more every second.
“Ease up, stranger. Let us get you a latte from the new coffee machine,” said the Germaneyan. The smile on her muzzle was warm, but the voice still burned as hell. However, there was a certain ring to the message that almost made me calm down – almost.
“There’s a coffee machine,” I said. There was no point in asking anything anymore.
“In the studio. It’s brand new,” Dash chimed in. The phone had finally changed hooves-to-hands.
“WHICH WAY TO THE STUDIO!?” The unbelievable spirit in that exclamation alone would’ve got me in the cast of every cartoon from Dreamworks to Disney.
Everything I had seen in Equestria so far had been more or less pretty and colourful, and then I saw the studio building. The boring paint made it look like it was made of cardboard, flat roof, and those edges must’ve cut everything from rock to bone. It was basically a careless and uninspired version of the studio back in L.A.
But it had coffee. Twilight buzzed us in, and it didn’t take long to find the apparatus in the end of the first hallway I entered.
“Neighstlé? Seriously, Neighstlé? Who the hay makes up these names?” I said while jogging towards the machine.
“The producers must have a wicked sense of humour,” Twilight said from behind me. Though she’d previously sounded almost like Tara Strong, some of her facade was beginning to fall apart into some infinite void of darkness.
“When am I going to meet these producers of... Really, neighspresso? At least coffee is still spelled coffee.”
“Cry me a river,” Twilight said, but I didn’t really pay attention to her. I was looking for the money slot. Maybe there was none, maybe it would make coffee from my blood. I didn’t care.
“How does this thing give me coffee!? I need to be artificially stimulated by caffeine!” A little bit of desperate rambling wouldn’t hurt. Twilight along with the Germaneyan had settled behind me possibly amused by my antics or something. I still couldn’t find a way to get that hot beverage. I turned to the two ponies.
“Flutterbeast, you said you’d get me the coffee. You promised!”
“What did you just call me?”
“Flutter–” Her vicious stare (The Stare!) turned the words into concrete in my mouth, and they tasted bad. If I could just pretend I’m talking to something else in a completely different situation... Like an old homeless lady, for example. “Ria,” I managed to say after a few seconds of silence – my eyes firmly closed.
“It’s free. Just push the button,” said the homeless hag. In these kind of things I need not be told twice. Thank goodness the buttons were hoof-sized – I couldn’t afford to waste any time waiting for a wrong order. Coffee with cream and sugar, ‘cause that’s how I roll. As they say, I’ve had my coffee now and I feel great!
I tossed the plastic cup to the bin but missed and had to pick it up. Apart from the three of us, the hallways were empty, Nicely wide and nicely lit, but empty. I looked at Twilight and Fluttershy – Talia and Ria – with newfound vigor. “So... If this wasn’t everypony’s day off, this place would be full of people, right?”
They both nodded and mumbled something affirmative. I went on: “Who else would be here that I should know about?” They glanced at each other. Talia just rolled her eyes and let Ria do the talking. Oh, my ears.
“There are the rest of the actors, the director, the executive producer, also a few cameramen you should know...”
“Cameramen?” I asked, gritting my teeth.
“The lizardmen do most of the technical work. Spike is the exception, though we had that band, The Zards , to cameo for that one episode.” My vision ran along the walls, out of the farthest window and into the landscape.
Spike wasn’t a dragon. He was simply just an anthromorphic talking lizard.
Meh. Whatever. We began our way back to the front door.
“What’s so special about those cameramen?” I asked.
“Ooh... Nothing much,” said Talia, “just a little something about the colt you know as Big McIntosh.” Cool, I got another wild guess to make. Could he be Bob? Or maybe Larry? Or Larrybob? Maybe this would be really screwed up and his name would turn out to be Frodo or Pippin or–
“Gilliam is a real special case. Agent Orange– ”
“AJ,” I corrected, only getting Talia to momentarily laugh at me. She cleared her throat and continued.
“Agent Orange , told you about male actors in Equestria. Our Gill isn’t one of them. He is a genuine apple farmer, about as redneck as they come.” She gave me a wide – half-insane, half-manic – grin. At least I couldn’t be very upset about the name.
“You shoot him in secret?” I asked.
“Best ‘acting’ you’ve ever seen, isn’t it? Too bad they only hand out awards for the best actresses.” Right, who would’ve known Equestria was sexist? Besides that there seemed to be five mares to every stallion, no, I didn’t see that coming.
“Is that the only candid camera they use?”
“Could be...” Talia managed to say, but the sound of a thousand corpses interrupted her.
“Yes, Eric. They recycle actors all the time, but they are a reliable bunch. You’ll meet them eventually, though I’m sorry about Dave. Stuart is the one you should keep an eye out for. He used to be a brony too.” Cue a tear of joy from my left eye.
“Ohh, Stuart. The bad boy!” Talia said with her eyes closed obviously reminiscing something pleasant to her and terrible to anypony else. “Ohh, yeah...”
“Talia, you’re creeping him out.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“No problem, stranger.”
\0/*\+<|>+///*\0/
We got outside to nopony waiting for us. None of us had a smartphone, but Talia had an old Nokia of the indestructible 3310 variety. She called Spike, who said he was at the library with AJ, Mara, Hillah, and a new arrival: Jetta. They were waiting for us as well as Stuart. Naturally, we took our way there.
I spotted the four of them outside the tree; no sign of the new mare. I looked at Talia and Ria, but they both at least pretended cluelessness. There was strange tension in the air, and it seemed to affect us all. I was maybe thirty feet away from the tree, when I spotted a majestic figure standing in the shadow: Princess Celestia in all her magnificence.
“You must be Eric,” she said. Time was considerate enough to slow down for me to think up an answer.
“I must.” The Princess flashed a smile.
“And I bet you already know who I am.” If today had taught me anything, I sure as hay didn’t know who she was. Though she did have the horn, and the wings, and the mane. If she wasn’t real, how could I recognize the one who is?
“Your Majesty, I– ”
“BOW BEFORE THE SOLAR TYRANT OF EQUESTRIA!” her voice boomed. Kind of a bad joke, to be honest. I turned to the rest of the gang, sighing.
“Come on, Jetta!” yelled RD with her raspy... Mara with her normal voice. “You only had him for five seconds.”
“I never fell for it at all,” I chimed in for a superlative effect.
“Don’t blame me for something that wasn’t my idea in the first place!” The fake monarch’s cultured accent broke down into overly punctuated TV speech.
“Says the one who brought the stilts herself,” Mara continued. Celestia indeed revealed herself to be just a normal little pony on stilts and in royal cosplay. She shrugged one of them loose, almost toppling down, and jump-kicked the other three off. Then she quickly removed the crown, her horn, the rig holding the wings, the cutie mark stickers, and finally some kind of a glittery hair net she had in her mane. Instead of the ethereal glow ‘n’ flow, the mane was grayish pink and reached down her shoulders.
“So how’re you different from your character?” Odd circumstances beg for odd questions. Little Celestia looked unsure for a moment. Oh boy, was it strange to see her face at eye level.
“Celestia is a wonderful character, strong, mysterious, and a little mischievous. And do they like her in the internet!” I was about to shake hooves with her, but instead she glomped me! It had taken this long – the whole day apparently, dusk was setting in – for me to get hugged once. I hadn’t even thought about it: a brony goes to Equestria and doesn’t even get any hugs! Any reasonable fanfic writer would’ve already had me romance half of the mane six, but noooo...
“Are you okay? Eric, wasn’t it?” said Jetta. She had taken a step back. “You look a little distant.”
“You hugged me.” And I’m a freakin’ genius.
“I did, and I’ll gladly do it again.” She hugged me again.
“Y’know, Jetta, he probably collects those little dolls they make of us and masturbates to them,” came Talia’s voice from behind me. It was a good thing for her that I hadn’t accumulated much rage inside me – I was more confused than infuriated. However...
“Take that back, or I’ll shove it back.” My flat-out menacing delivery almost startled me.
“Everybody shut the hell up!” Mara interrupted before Talia got another word out. Naturally that got every muzzle pointed towards her. “Uh... Stuart is coming.”
And his coming, woah. I was already quite sure that Stuart would be Shining Armor – no surprises there – but his entrance was a whole nother thing to gawk at.
First of all, he descended from the sky in a royal red hang glider while wearing nothing but a pair of deep orange shades.
Secondly, upon landing the glider folded itself to a neat little package leaving a small bottle of sparkling wine and two glasses hanging from its side.
Thirdly, while the white baron was filling the two glasses Talia sprinted to him with the plastic horn in place once again (the cutie mark too). “You rock, Stu!” she yelled.
“You’re forgetting yourself, Twily!” he yelled back in a disturbingly similar tone to Andrew Francis’. They both took sips from the glasses.
“I’d cover my eyes now if I were you,” retorted Spike who was standing arms crossed next to me. I momentarily glanced at him, but as my vision returned to the other scene it froze, I froze. Talia and Stuart were engaged in a passionate French kiss that went on...
And on...
And on...
I had the context to make it a-okay, but it felt so wrong still...
And it went on.
