Crystal POV

I was flying alone through the grey wasteland. The landscape around me looked empty except for a mountain range in the distance and an old prewar road beneath me. Leading through this nothingness. But it was not like I paid much attention to it.

Four days had passed since I had left my herd to visit Velvet Remedy. In the hope that she had finally found a way for alicorns to have foals. The thought alone brought fresh tears to my eyes. But I didn’t let them out. Not again…

I followed the street. Zitrus had told me that they would be going this way and make a stop in a prewar rest area. My eyes went to the horizon and there I spotted something that very closely matched his description. A one floored building with a wooden roof right next to the road. Easy to see from my bird eye’s view.

The thought of seeing my loves again filled me with motivation and at the same time held me back. I didn’t want them to see me like this again. Sad and broken… But at the same time, I sought their support…

In any way, I didn’t give too many thoughts about it. I was not in the condition for it. I extended my wings and let myself glide until I reached the building where I softly but carelessly landed.

The entrance was on the side of the rest area. For a moment I just stood there and looked at the ground in front of the door. Giving me some final courage. I light up my horn and checked if it was closed. It was not. Slowly the door swung open, but I waited a short moment before I entered. Another moment to gather myself before I was able to step in.

I stepped into a lobby with a lot of tables in it. A lot of dust was laying around, but I was able to notice that there once had been some ponies inside not long ago.

Maybe I missed them. Maybe they already moved again.

But just as the thought crossed my mind, a door opened, and Blueberry stepped out with her longbow in her magic grip. But as soon as she made eye contact with me, she lowered the weapon.

“Oh, Crystal. It is you. We just heard the door opening”, she apologized.

“Hey cutie…”, I said, trying to be as uplifting as possible. But I failed miserably.

Zitrus and Savage appeared from behind her and also looked at me. There was this short distance between me and them, which seemed to be way larger than it actually was. It felt like there was also this gap of heavy emotions that separated me from them.

“And? What did they have?”, Zitrus asked.

His voice was careful, like he could already guess the answer. But he still had to know for sure.

And it was at this point that I couldn't hold it together anymore. Tears streamed down my face, and I rushed towards the three. Falling into their hooves. The ponies I love. Who were there for me even in such dark times. And they held me close.

“They had nothing”, I was able to get out between sobs.

Of course they had nothing! Velvet and her researchers had still not found a way for alicorns to have foals. They had made some progress, had even nearly found a solution, and then they had gotten knocked back again. Their researches had been proven wrong.

And there I had been so happy, so eager, for it. Only to, shortly after arriving, getting the information. it had hit worse than a rock through glass.

I pressed my face in Savage’s fur and wetted it with my tears, while she, Zitrus and Blueberry hugged me in silence.

The next day. I was still laying in my bed even though it was afternoon. But I couldn't be bothered to stand up. Not yet.

We were still in the rest place. Zitrus, Blueberry and Savage… no wait, Horizon was her new name now, they decided not to travel further until I was feeling better again. They had moved another bed into the room they had spent the previous night in and pushed them together, creating one big bed. And I was laying in such, at the moment.

Laying on my side, looking out the window, and at the same time at nothing. I knew, sooner or later I would feel better again. I just needed time. Time to forget about this event.

I heard the door open and somepony laying on the bed behind me. A hoof stroked my mane. It was Zitrus’. Each one of our herd had a different touch, which I always recognized.

“I brought you some tea.”

I was not much of a tea drinker. There weren't many really good tea varieties in the wasteland. You had to take what you got. But I knew that Zitrus made it especially for me this time. I gave a sigh and raised up, changing to a sitting position.

Zitrus had placed two cups of steaming tea on the bedside table. I took one with my magic and took a small sip from it. It helped a bit.

“How do you feel?”, Zitrus asked.

“I feel better, thank you”, I said to Zitrus.

I was able to read his mind a bit. But only a small part. I knew that he didn’t only come to ask me how I feel. But he kept his thoughts mostly hidden from me.

“We are worried about you, Crystal... The way such events hurt you every time… and how you deal with them”, Zitrus confessed.

“Yes… but don’t you worry. This was a painful realisation, but I soon will be back to my old self”, I explained and gave a promising smile to him.

“I know you will”, Zitrus sighed. “But this is not the first time you've been in such a broken state. Just, this time it was a bit worse. And I fear that the next time might be even worse.”

“What do you mean?”

Zitrus was silent for a moment. He took a long sip from his tea without looking at me.

“This is the way you deal with such situations. You push them away and don’t think about it anymore.”, Zitrus explained. “Maybe that has something to do with the fact that you were able to almost completely forget the torture you committed under the goddess. But the thing is, that whenever something bad happens to you, you try to forget it. You don’t want to talk about it anymore and try to get rid of everything that could remind you.

you ignore all of your previous attempts to conceive a foal, you didn’t want to talk about the day you raped a stallion, and you even cut the stripes in your mane that remind you of when you left your old wing.”

On Zitrus last words I nearly lost focus of the magic grip that held the cup of tea. I had told Horizon that I had a purple and blue stain in my mane, and why I cut it. But nopony else.

“Horizon told you?!”, I wanted to know.

Zitrus gave a nod and looked at me.

“She was worried. We all are. Because this is one proof that you try to forget bad memories.”

“And? Is it so bad if you want to forget the memories that give you pain?!”, I asked with a raised voice.

But Zitrus remained calm when he answered: “It is understandable if you don’t want to think too much about it. The past can hurt, and the memories are the only connection we have to it. But there is a difference between “not thinking about it” and “forgetting it”. Because you learn from events. Be they good or bad.

This is the reason why your always so excited when you find another possible way to get a foal. You don’t remember all your previous attempts. But the problem is, as soon as there is another mistake you experience the pain of realization again. Together with all the other painful memories you had about that event. They all come together and hurt you even deeper. And the only solution you see is to forget, instead of dealing, with them. Just like with every sad event.”

I looked away. I didn’t like it but deep inside I knew that Zitrus was right. That I isolate myself from my painful past.

“Such events are not just gone, because you forgot about them”, Zitrus continued. “And they might catch up to you. And whenever that happens, it will give you pain again. Just like with your old name. Isn’t that right, Hope? You changed your name because you linked it with something you'd rather not think about.”

I still didn’t look at Zitrus. But it didn’t take mind reading abilities to know that he waited for an answer. And with every passing moment the weight of his stare only grew.

“When the Goddess died, I gave myself the name Hope”, I finally replied. “I gave myself that name because, even though the Goddess failed for so long, I had hope. Hope that alicorns, including myself, could have foals on their own. I still had that name when I left my old wing and tried to find a solution on my own. But then… failure after failure… I disliked the name Hope. I still continued to try but I could no longer live with that name. Too often did I think about all of my failed attempts when I heard that name…”

I shut my eyes as I finished talking. Hope… That name combined with me, still had this sour undertone. It made it hard for me to bare.

Zitrus gave me a hug and it was only then that I realized how tense I was. But as I relaxed a bit, the tears I was holding back spilled out.

“We are here for you, Crystal. For all of your painful memories. But you must start to accept them. You must not keep them buried away. Or else they will never heal. You have to live with them. They are a part of you”, Zitrus said to me.

“Please no. They are so painful. I don’t want to deal with them anymore”, I begged.

Just the mention of these painful memories brought them flooding back. My attempts to get a foal, the argument with my old wing, the torture I did under the Goddess…

“I know. But is hiding from them really better? You only add more and more to them. You will never learn from them. Instead, they will keep coming back whenever the same event happens again. Like with your goal to have a foal.”

Zitrus paused for a long moment before continuing.

“Besides, is it really worth forgetting everything connected with your bad memories? Because then, you might well forget me when I pass away with the years.”

...

One blessing, and curse, we alicorns had, was that we did not age. We were not immortal. We could still die by a deadly sickness, lethal accident, successful murder or just suicide. But even then, being stuck in a strong, powerful, healthy alicorn body, made the chance that we survive for multiple centuries very high.

But this meant that we would see how the normal ponies, including the ones we love, would grow older and eventually die from old age. And there was nothing we could do about it.

Zitrus might still live for a long time. But sooner or later, he will be taken from us. And this will hurt me more than every other memory I have so far.

I wonder if that is the reason, why there aren’t any stories or recordings that the old princesses from 200 years ago (Celestia and Luna were their names I think) ever were in a relationship. Because they knew that they would outlive them for by centuries…

Will I remember Zitrus after 200 years?

No…

I will remember him forever.

Author's Note

Thank you all for reading this chapter. Feel free to give any kind of review.

Also, do not forget that there is still a voting going on. Because this might be your last change.
A huge thanks for all who already did. Right now, it seems like it’s going to be a close call. But I’m not going to say with option is in the lead at the moment. (Add evil laugh here.)