Hoax-Ed!

Chapters

Chapter I - One stubborn trio
Chapter II - Solo
Chapter III - The grand scam-off
Chapter IV - Homicidal
Chapter V - The good scam

Chapter I - One stubborn trio

Foreword from the author: To clear things up a bit, everything mentioned to happen in the town square in this fanfiction, takes place only in the back area of the square, behind the town hall.

Chapter I – One stubborn trio

It was a warm, summer morning in Ponyville. The town was slowly preparing to host the long-anticipated concert by 4Hooves – a famous rock band from Canterlot. Twilight Sparkle was on her way to the marketplace, when she heard an unusual commotion around the town square. Somepony was shouting, some others were running around. Not that she was eager to find out what it was, but she had to go through there anyway - the road to the marketplace led through the square. And so, Twilight witnessed a rather peculiar sight. Three young stallions were running what appeared to be some kind of a quickly put together stand on the side of the square. It wouldn’t be that unusual, if not the way they were doing this – trotting around frantically and trying to reel in customers as if their life depended on it. The three were all Earth ponies. One of them was rather tall, with a yellow coat and a short, black mane. He seemed the least upset, however, he also seemed the least dedicated – in fact, all he did was move some boxes back and forth with a rather bliss expression. He was wearing a red and white striped jumper and a dark green coat. The other one was of medium height, with a beige coat and a black mane as well. He stood out quite though, because of the strange, black, sock-like hat he was wearing. Aside from that, he also wore a red T-shirt. He looked as if he was about to faint – he was all wobbly and his muzzle was dead-pale. He was trying to do some of the advertising as well, but most of his shouts went out as mere squeaks. The last one looked like the leader of the three. He had a pink coat and a pointy black mane. He was quite short, but still he was the loudest of them all. He wasn’t quite relaxed, but he kept his cool as far as to talk (relatively) consistently. He jumped around as if after a double-caffeine coffee and shouted his advertisements at everypony around. Not that it helped in any way – the customers were rather driven away than in with his frantic behavior. This one was wearing a yellow T-shirt with a vertical red stripe. Twilight tried to scoot slowly through the other side of the square, in hopes they wouldn’t notice her - she had enough excitement for the past few days, and all she wanted was to get to the marketplace with her mind in one piece. Halfway through the square, she started feeling a little nervous – the tall stallion was peeking at her every now and then. What if he alarms the others? And so Twilight had to take more precautionary measures. At first she tried to hide behind some crates, fences, and even other ponies, much to their annoyance. However, seeing that even this didn’t work and the yellow-coated pony continued to look at her, she lost her cool and simply teleported to the other side of the square. She was about to run away, but first she took a look at the “villainous” stand. Much to her horror, she saw the tall stallion holding a telescope – and looking straight at her! Before she knew, he yelled:-Customer on the port bow, with some sparkly stuff, Eddy!-Good one, Ed! Trying to sneak behind, is she? – the short stallion reacted quite excitedly – Megaphone, Double D, quick! When the beige-coated pony stopped quivering and handed “Eddy” a huge megaphone, Twilight knew it was too late for her.-HEY, YOU!!! – everypony in the town square froze as Eddy began yelling into the megaphone – YES, YOU, IN THE BACK, WITH THE SPARKLY STUFF!!! COME HERE QUICK!!! Everypony looked at Twilight. At first she wasn’t sure if she should listen to Eddy or just run away before they know what’s going on, but she decided to go to the stand. After they made such a big show out of it, it would have been rude to refuse. As she came closer to the stand, however, she started having second thoughts, especially judging from the ridiculously overjoyed expressions of the “Eds”, as she called them in her thoughts. It was too late, though. The instant moment she got to the stand Eddy began shouting:-Hey there, my dear whatsyourname…-Twilight Sparkle. – Twilight cut in, but Eddy continued:-That’s what I said! Anyway, even from the other end of the square we saw how tired and misappreciated you look, and we thought…-Tired and WHAT? – said Twilight-You know what I mean: you look exactly like you could use some of our newest services, that’s how you look, and it doesn’t matter how it’s spelled! – Eddy was talking so fast, that Twilight hardly understood him; when she got a closer look of him, she noticed that his cutie mark was a green dollar sign-This is one of our finest… Uhh… - Ed tried to say something smart too, but apparently he hadn’t the capability; his strange cutie mark pictured a buttered toast – Doohickey things with…-What Ed here is trying to say, is that we offer the highest available quality in our field of services. – Edd made up for him; the last of the Eds’ cutie mark portrayed an opened book – And I can assure you, no customer has ever been displeased by our doings.-What customer? – Twilight, getting more and more annoyed, tried to cut in, but the Eds didn’t even hear her. They all started talking at once, louder and louder, faster and faster, until she finally lost it and yelled – STOP! For goodness sake, tell me what are you selling already!-Ah, what we are selling! – said Eddy He was quite surprised by the question. He tried to explain, and muttered something, but seeing Twilight look at him with a “stop-wasting-my-time” expression, he just stood there, sweating and looking more and more nervous. Finally, he shouted “ ‘Scuse me for a sec! “ and jumped back, dragging the other Eds with him. They started conferring. After almost two minutes of watching them whisper to each other, Twilight was about to leave quietly, but Eddy, seeing her scoot away, screamed “NOOO!!!” and made a huge jump, almost landing on her.-Please don’t go! – he said – We have just decided on what we’re selling!-All right, but this better be good. – agreed Twilight – I bet those tomatoes I ordered at the marketplace have wilted, anyway.-AHEM!– Eddy cleared his throat really loud – What we are selling here is… - he made a dramatic pause, then the other Eds jumped to him and they all shouted:-Ed’s Lightning Quick Roof Tile Refurbishing Service!!!-Even better than double-buttered toast! – Ed completed with a huge grin Twilight stood amazed. Roof tiles? Was this all? Was this the thing they kept her waiting for all this time? Was THIS why dinner will be late today? She was sure this was the lamest, most useless and random thing to sell she had ever seen!-Now then, my dear Twilight Whatshername, how many roof tiles will it be? – said Eddy most sincerely-Roof tiles! I don’t even HAVE roof tiles! I live in a TREE!!! – Twilight yelled with anger – What were you thinking, anyway! I bet you were up all night making up that plan. Why didn’t you tell me earlier!-Not all night, just this minute. – said Ed, happy to be able to clear things up, but Eddy elbowed him-So that means… No roof tiles…? – muttered Edd nervously-Forget about the roof tiles, what’s more important is, why are you doing this? – asked Twilight – I mean, look at you, this stand looks like it was made in ten minutes…-Just five… - Ed tried to be “helpful” again, but Eddy gave him a wrestling hold to finally stop him from talking-You lure customers by force, and now you can’t even decide on what are you selling. – Twilight continued – Is there something wrong? Do you need money that badly?-You betcha! – Eddy finally confessed – You know about 4Hooves, right?-Oh, 4Hooves!!! – Ed cried and fell on the ground weeping loudly-The concert… right? – said Twilight, surprised with the Eds’ dramatic reaction-That’s correct! – replied Edd – We absolutely adore that band! That’s why we’re really quite obliged to go on that concert. But alas, the tickets seem to be ridiculously overpriced, and after carefully counting, counting and counting our budget, we found ourselves unable to afford to attend the said happening…-And now we’re trying to scam the money as fast as we can! – finished Eddy – There’s only two days left to buy the tickets, so we came up with a theory: the more scams we can do in this time, the bigger the possibility that we will get the money in at least one of them.-Ah, so that’s what it’s all about… - Twilight, although still quite annoyed, began to understand the Eds – But can’t you get a job or something?-I’m afraid not. – said Edd – We are unfortunately still in the age of studying…-Okay. Let me get this straight. Concert soon. Need money. No job. Speed scams. – Ed, Edd and Eddy all nodded simultaneously after each of Twilight’s words – That’s quite a problem you’ve got there. I think I’d better be going now, but let me just give you a hint: go for quality, not quantity. Unless your “scams” are well thought of, it doesn’t matter how many of them you’ll make. Got it?-Sure, got it! – Eddy exclaimed happily At first Twilight was happy to have helped, but, seeing how Eddy ordered Ed to “pack up and start in a different place” and how Ed momentarily wrapped up the whole stand, she completely lost her hopes about those three. The tomatoes she ordered haven’t wilted, but that’s only because they were already sold to somepony else by the time she got to the marketplace. She bought something else instead and hurried home. On the way back she saw the Eds again – and again they were in the same trashy stand, but in a different street. For fear that they might want to seize her again, she chose a shortcut to the library. Even when she got home, she kept thinking about those ponies – and how to help them. She was finally knocked out of her thoughts by Spike’s voice. And it seemed to be saying:-Twilight… Twilight? Hello? Anypony there?-Yes, here I am. What is it? – replied Twilight-Not much… Except you’ve been trying to walk into this wall for the past ten minutes! Twilight jumped back. The wall indeed had a mark of her face engraved into it. Was she really that deep into thought?-I’m sorry, Spike, I was just thinking…-What! No tomatoes? You promised soup today. You’d better be “thinking” of some decent explanation for this.-That’s what I’ve been thinking about! On my way to the market I met those weird colt-stallions, who held me by their “nothing stand” for so long, that I missed the tomatoes.-Missed? Did they fly away? – Spike was quite suspicious-No, I was late. And what were their names…-The tomatoes? They had names?-No, the ponies I met! – replied Twilight-Flying tomatoes with names… That’s weird… Pretty shifty explanation you’ve got there, miss Sparkle! Next thing you’re gonna tell me they talked.-Forget the tomatoes! We’re talking about ponies! I remember now, their names were Ed, Edd and Eddy.-Ed, Edd and Eddy? You mean “the” Eds? Then why didn’t you say sooner? – Spike didn’t even wait for an answer – They’ve been around for, like, forever! Everypony knows them. Didn’t you ever hear of the Eds earlier? They keep haunting Ponyville with their senseless scams, for reasons unknown. Once they’ve even tried to… Oh, no, that was downright too awful.-That’s strange, I’ve never seen them before. Maybe it’s just now that they intensified their actions. They told me they desperately need money for that 4Hooves concert, and I thought I could help them.-4Hooves? Who in Equestria would listen to that stuff? They play worse than I play “MegaMare 9”! – Spike shuddered at the very memory – But if you want my advice, you should keep away from the Eds. I mean, they aren’t far from getting chased out of town with pitchforks and torches! It wouldn’t be pretty if you joined them… The rest of the day flew through quite peacefully. In the afternoon, however, Twilight saw the Eds again. They were in a completely different street, this time selling “Home-made turpentine”. Twilight hid behind a big crate and just listened.-Turpentine! Real cheap! Incredibly useful for household chores, both small and big! – shouted Eddy; he sounded a lot less confident, though-Eddy, really! – Edd cut in - Don’t you think we may be really going a little too far with the “speed scamming” idea? Maybe we should have listened to Twilight after all…-Can it, sockhead, I’m trying to work here! – replied Eddy – I ain’t gonna listen to some egghead Whatshername!-That’s “am not going to”, Eddy… - Edd corrected him – And don’t you think we should have made more than one barrel of Turpentine, Ed?-Shush! I know what I’m doing… I think… - said Ed And so, even more concerned, Twilight walked away quietly. Much to her surprise, she met them yet another time – in the evening. As it could’ve been anticipated, they were in a different side of the town, selling “Slightly used cardboard boxes”, still in the same stall. This time, everypony just ignored them. And they ignored everypony. They didn’t even advertise in any way, they just put up a sign and sat there, all grumpy. They didn’t even notice Twilight looking at them from the distance.-Cardboard boxes. We’re selling cardboard boxes. Used cardboard boxes. – said Edd – I don’t know about you, gentlecolts, but I haven’t stooped this low in a while.-What do you mean? It was your idea, wasn’t it? – argued Eddy-I beg to differ. This and all the earlier ones were your fault!-Were not! Those are all my ideas! – shouted Ed-That was quite a mediation. Not that it solved our problems, of course! – said Edd – We’re still sitting here like idiots, and to me it doesn’t seem at all as if funds for us are going to descend from the sky!-Like you would know anything about it! I’m the money guy here! – exclaimed Eddy That was well enough for Twilight. Hearing that, and seeing that Ed is taking out his telescope again, she ran away once more. It was late, but she didn’t go to sleep – instead, she sat down and started writing a list – a list of scams that could actually work. After some time, Spike, who was already in bed, suddenly shouted:-Twilight!!! Can you call it a night already? I can’t sleep because of your scribbling – and even I need my beauty rest. What are you doing there, anyway? Perhaps some list on how to help those three random freaks with their scams, eh? As Spike giggled, Twilight denied nervously and hid the list behind her back. This, however, led to an opposite reaction.-So it IS a list, huh? – said Spike exasperatedly – Didn’t I tell you what I think about all this? Just imagine: Ed, Edd, Eddy and… EdLight Sparkle? This doesn’t even sound good.-Listen Spike, this is my final word. – replied Twilight – They may be not so liked around, but this will change if they make a scam that’s actually reasonable! And they’ll only be grateful. Isn’t it worth a try?-Okay, okay, do as you wish. Just keep it down, please! Use a computer, I don’t know, just stop with the scribbling, it’s really driving me crazy. The following morning, when Twilight woke up, the first thing she thought about was the list. She must take it to the Eds – and quick. She passed Spike, who was wide awake, with a dazzled expression, repeating “typetypetypetypetype” like a mantra. Twilight ran out of her house. It was another nice morning, the town was already awake. Ed, Edd and Eddy could be anywhere, but she knew where to look for them – along with making the list, she calculated all the previous positions of their “nothing stand”, and went right for the place opposite to their last location. Much to her surprise, she met Eddy even earlier on her way. What’s more interesting, he wasn’t with Ed or Edd. Twilight, however, ignored this and went straight to the list.-Hi, Eddy! – she exclaimed-Hello, Whatshername. – replied Eddy-Seeing your yesterday’s behavior, I have decided to use my knowledge to help you with your endeavors. You see, I have prepared this list…-Geez, slow down, you’re talking just like Double D! – Eddy cut in-Here I enlisted several really good ideas of… Wait a minute… Speaking of Edd, where is he? And Ed? I can’t see them! – Twilight finally noticed the absence of the other Eds-What, those two? I ditched them. – said Eddy as it would be something perfectly normal-Ditched? What do you mean? What does IT mean, anyway?-I told them to take a hike, that’s what it means!-A hike? I must admit, the weather is good today, but what does it have to do with… - Twilight wasn’t really into modern slang-Gah! – Eddy shouted with exasperation – They were cramping my style, so we split up. Surely I can do a much better scam without them.-You WHAT? – exclaimed Twilight-Still don’t understand?-No, I do understand, but… Why did you do this? If you couldn’t succeed with a scam together, what makes you think you’ll cope on your own?-I know what I’m doing! They’re both jerks, just slowing down my genius. So sorry, but no time to talk. There are scams to be done! – Eddy was quite confident this time-But that means… I’ve prepared the list… - Twilight tried to say something, but Eddy ignored her and just started walking away – With ideas… There’s lawn mowing, and… - she tried to continue, but Eddy was already far away – Ooh, he’s so stubborn! But that’s just his problem, I bet Ed and Edd will be more than eager to listen to me. Unfortunately, the situation was much worse than Twilight imagined. She did meet with Ed and Edd, but they weren’t even together. They both told her about the same thing as Eddy – that they all had split up and are doing scams on their own. They even made a bet on who will be the most successful. None of them even wanted to peek on Twilight’s list – and so she returned home in a pretty lousy mood. By the library she met Rarity.-Hello, Twilight! – she greeted her – I’ve been waiting for you almost the whole morning. Where were you this whole time, darling! I tried to ask Spike, but he is… Well, a bit unconscious.-Nothing special. – replied Twilight – Let’s just go in. And so Twilight Sparkle hoped that the whole “Ed” affair would just end this way. By this time she wished she had just listened to Spike in the first place – Ed, Edd and Eddy indeed seemed utterly ignorant. She stifled Spike’s snoring with a spell and started a nice chat with Rarity, slowly forgetting about the Eds. Unfortunately, about just when she thought she had completely thrown away the past, the library’s doors burst open – literally. They flew out of the hinges, swooped through the whole room and squeezed Rarity to the wall. And entering the house was none other than Ed. He didn’t even say “hello” – the first thing he’d done was gallop to the other side of the room, knock on the out-of-hinge door and open it. Seeing Rarity behind them, he asked:-Excuse me, ma’am, is uh… the Vile Light… Sparkly… home!?! – he seemed really nervous Rarity’s reaction was not much less strange. She made a frightened expression, shouted “NO!” and shut the door, slamming herself into the wall yet again. Ed was about to leave, despite Twilight was just beside him, but she stopped him, saying:-I’m right here, Ed. What is it?-Oh! Hello, Lime Fight Lark-el!-That’s Twilight Sparkle, Ed. But close enough. – Twilight cut in-Did I say something wrong? – said Ed, surprisedTwilight wasn’t quite eager on continuing this topic, so she asked:-What is it anyway, Ed? – she said, although she had already guessed it from the start-Big trouble! My scam isn’t working! – Ed shouted – You must help me quick!-Calm down! First tell me, what kind of scam you’re doing, then I can give you advice. – said Twilight, very slowly-What scam? Uh… I don’t know!-Okay, then here’s your first problem, and it seems like a rather important case. To make a scam, first you’ve got to think of what you want to do. But more importantly, I wanted to say…-Think! That’s right! Thank you, Fire Sight Hark-el! – Ed wanted to run away, but Twilight used magic to teleport him back in front of her.-Ed! What I wanted to tell you is that now, that the scams you’re making on your own aren’t working out, don’t you think it would be a good idea to return to your friends and make something together again? – she said and quickly whispered to herself – Oh brother, there goes my inner peace again…-No! Edd and Eddy bad for Ed! I will stay away from them, as long as gravy is… uh… gravy! What I need is to think. You told me to think! – said Ed and prepared to run away yet again-But Ed, you must… - started TwilightShe tried to stop Ed from running away again, but, seeing Rarity lean out from behind the door and whisper nervously “Let him go! Let him go!” she stopped talking and just watched Ed open the out-of-hinge door and run through the empty door frame, shouting:-Thanks for the advice, Twine Flight Mark-el! If you’re looking for me, I’ll be thinking! The instant moment Ed got out of the room, Rarity jumped out from behind the door, shouting:-Is he there? IS HE STILL THERE???-No, he isn’t. What’s wrong with you, Rarity? – Twilight asked, putting the door back in hinges with magic-Phew! – Rarity sighed with relief – I’m glad that’s over. Since when have you been inviting those Eds to your place?-I didn’t invite him! You’ve seen how he busted the door. Do you know them that… well?-Oh, I don’t even know where to start telling what I had to go through because of them! You see, I’ve lived in Ponyville since I was born, and about since then… Rarity was interrupted by somepony knocking on the door. Anticipating the incoming Ed contact, she jumped into a potted plant and hid herself in its leaves completely. Twilight, annoyed by such overreacting behavior, said:-Come on, Rarity! It’s just somepony knocking on the door! Nothing to be afraid of… And that’s about when the door she was fixing fell out of the hinges again and crushed her. Rarity’s predictions were right – into the room stepped none other than Edd.-Oh dear, was I knocking that hard? – he said stepping onto the door – But there seems to be nopony there… I’d better leave before I get accused of burglary. He was about to go out, when Twilight Sparkle started yelling from underneath the door. Unfortunately, the sound was very muffled, so Edd didn’t understand anything out of her demands to step off the door.-What’s that sound? Why, it sounds like some kind of a ghostly moan… Twilight didn’t mention that her house was haunted! – as Edd was getting more and more anxious, Twilight decided to use magic to lift the door (and Edd with it) – Oh no! It IS haunted! I’ve read about these encounters… I must retreat without further delay! He was about to jump out of the room, when Twilight knocked over the door.-I implore you not to possess me! I’m too fragile for a host!!! – cried Edd lying on the floor-Stop it, Edd! I am not a ghost. – said Twilight, getting out from under the door – Although I would be, if you stayed on that door for any longer.-Twilight! – exclaimed Edd – It’s you! Oh dear, what a relief. But then I was indeed crushing you the whole time! How can I ever make it up for you… I’d better leave right now.-Stop! At least tell me, why are you here? Oh, no, wait, I think I already know that. You’ve come to ask for help with your scam, right?-Yes… Yes, indeed! – confirmed Edd – But how did you know?-Trust me, I have my ways. So what is it?-Nothing, nothing, really… It’s just… EVERYTHING!!! – shouted Edd – I know how to build a radio, design a slot machine, infuse sulfuric acid, repair kitchen appliances, even balance a checkbook! But that’s just the easy part. The question is, “so what”? I’ve planned and planned, and I just don’t seem to be capable of arranging this all into a worthwhile scam!!! You know what I mean?-Frankly, no. – replied Twilight – But if you have trouble planning, you should build some matching-theme appliances, and then see what you can do with them. But that too doesn’t always work. I think what would be best for you would be to return to Ed and Eddy. Wasn’t Eddy the one who always made all the plans for you? I know that you’re smart, Double D, so why don’t you, for one, listen to my advice and pull your friends back together?-I’m smart, you say? Well, If you claim so, can you say the same about Ed and Eddy? Well? Those two always ruined our scams! Wasted my ideas! I don’t know why do you insist on me retaking cooperation with…-That’s it! – Twilight shouted – Out of my house, NOW!-But about that list…-OUT!!! – yelled Twilight teleporting Edd somewhere far away – They’re unbelievable! I’ve got to repair this door quick, before they get in again. And yes, Rarity, you can go out now.-Are you sure? – said Rarity peeking out of the potted plant with one eye-Yes, I’m sure. No Ed within sight radius.-Phew. Again!Rarity jumped out of the pot. Her mane and tail were covered in leaves, as if made of foliage. She shook them off and continued her story:-As I was saying earlier, the Eds always had been choosing me as the primary target for their scams. Do you imagine how frightful it had been? Each and every time I walked past any of their stands, they all tried to draw me near with their noisy advertisements, COMPLETELY disturbing the peace of my innocent strolls.-But they do that to everypony! – said Twilight, surprised-They do? Well then, that only doubles their malice. And don’t even get me started on that one time when… when… when… She froze in horror as Eddy walked quickly into the room through the empty door frame (Twilight was still holding the door in mid-air). There was no time left to hide. Rarity stood there for a while, then she faked fainting and started playing dead.-Who’s that? – asked Eddy pointing at Rarity lying on the floor-Nopony you’d know… - said Twilight exasperatedly-Anyway, never mind that! I need you to…-Don’t say anything! You need me to figure out some way for you to get ponies who could execute the scams that you planned, am I right?-Well, actually, what I wanted was to ask YOU to help me with my scam. You see, what you need to do is simply… Twilight didn’t even answer – she put the door she was holding with magic between her and Eddy and started walking toward the exit.-What did I do wrong? – said Eddy, being pushed back by the door-I’ll tell you what you’re doing wrong! – shouted Twilight – Ed and Edd came here before showing similar symptoms of scam failure. I think you can connect this fact to your split-up yourself and admit your mistake, can’t you?-But it wasn’t my fault! – yelled Eddy trying to shove the door back – Those two goofs can’t do anything right!-Maybe it is so, but for now don’t you all expect any help from me until you show up united!!! Eddy, pushed further back, tried to hold to the door frame with all four hooves.-Not even a cupful of help? – he muttered, struggling against the door That’s about when the door, not able to withstand the pressure, bounced off Eddy, flew through the room and landed straight on Spike, waking him up.-Not even a thimbleful. – said Twilight firmly as Eddy ran away-My head… What did I miss… - muttered Spike, getting out of his bed-Nothing, just an Ed invasion on this very house. – said Twilight, putting the door in hinges yet again – I guess it was your turn to get smashed by the door, anyway.-An Ed invasion… I don’t even want to know… WHAT? – Spike noticed Rarity lying on the floor – Rarity? Is she… dead…?-“ED”? WHERE??? – Rarity instantly got up, knocking Spike over, and prepared to fight-Nowhere, Eddy just left. – Twilight calmed her down-Rarity! You’re alive! – exclaimed Spike-Was I ever! Now, to make sure I won’t get interrupted again, please bar the door so we’ll be safe in case any other Eds try to break in.-There are only three of them. – said Twilight-So what? Nopony can guess their sneaky ways! And this reminds me of the time I wanted to tell you about. – Rarity continued her story – One day, when we were just foals, they set up a stand selling some kitchen appliances in front of our school…-Kitchen appliance! – Spike exclaimed anxiously-Our toaster was broken at that time, so I decided to buy one of theirs…-Broken toaster! – gasped Spike- I spent my pocket money on it, and when I got home, guess what…-Tell me what! – squeaked Spike-It didn’t work! It was a prop! A cardboard cut-out! – Rarity finished-A prop toaster… - muttered Spike and fainted-Wait a minute, Rarity, how bad is that? – asked Twilight-How BAD is THAT? Darling, I don’t think you appreciate the value of toasters and the lack of said in one’s life. You really should think about that.-Okay, that got me off guard. – laughed Twilight – But seriously, now I see how right Spike was. For now I won’t bother with what those Eds do; they wouldn’t listen, anyway. I’ll just wait until their scams fail ultimately. I’m sure that then they’ll understand their mistakes.-Wicked plan! – said Spike, who already came round – Learning through failure… Interesting… I must use that on somepony sometime.

Chapter II - Solo

Chapter II – Solo

Later that day, somewhere in the very outskirts of Ponyville, an unusual structure was in the making. Cardboard boxes, pieces of wood, metal sheets, loose tiles, even garbage cans, piling up into the shape of a wonky house on a meadow, seemed more than quite out of place; and, trotting between them, was nopony other than Ed. His main “activity” was chucking random things, which could be at least remotely considered as building materials, on the pile. He didn’t really seem like he took Twilight’s advice, but at least he knew that he was building a house of some sort. What sort? Let’s not ask. For Ed’s luck nopony was there at the moment to ask him to clean it up – only one pony noticed the strange building site and was curious enough to go there and actually ASK what it is. It was Rainbow Dash.- What is it? It’s quite simple. – Ed answered – It’s some jumbo cardboard boxes, a bit of planks and this trash can.-And together they make? – asked Rainbow Dash-Some jumbo cardboard boxes, a bit of planks and this trash can!... I’m stumped.-Oh, yeah, that was quite obvious. Could’ve guessed it myself. – said Rainbow Dash as she flew around the structure – But why are you building it?-I’m collecting money for a lifetime supply of buttered toast. No wait, that was last week. – Ed stopped for a while trying to remember why he was building – I want to get money to buy a ticket for the 4Hooves concert!-4Hooves! They rock! – shouted Rainbow Dash – I could even help you if you’d buy a ticket for me too. While Ed remained speechless for quite long time, thinking out Rainbow Dash’s proposition, she already took it for a “yes” and started looking around for extra “building materials”. After a while, Ed suddenly exclaimed:-Awesome plan! Will there be any buttered toast in it?-Yeah, right, toasts… - said Rainbow Dash, not quite used to Ed’s antics – Now then, how do you plan to make money building this house?-Uh… Is that a trick question?-What do you mean? So you don’t know what you’re doing? – Rainbow Dash suddenly lost her confidence in Ed-Sorta…? – said Ed happily-Oh, brother, could’ve guessed as much. – groaned Rainbow Dash – In that case, no help for you, until you think of something that is even a teeny tiny bit reasonable. Got that?-Nope! – said Ed, still happily-I knew this was too good to be true. These tickets cost a fortune… - said Rainbow Dash, flying away Ed stood in place for a while, trying to comprehend what just happened, but soon gave up and continued his blissful “building”. Meanwhile, in Edd’s house on the edge of Ponyville, the said pony was also working himself into the ground. He had a list of things he should build by the end of the day and continued executing it, hoping that he would find a purpose for them sooner or later. Unfortunately, it seemed more like “much, much later” – because for every machine built, he added at least two more to the list, and the solution didn’t seem any closer. And so his room slowly began filling up with cash registers, arcade machines, loudspeakers, lighting systems and other contraptions. Of course one could easily find a use for all those machines, but not Edd. All those times, successfully or not, he was building everything according to Eddy’s orders – and now he couldn’t plan anything on himself. After a few hours of frantic work, when the end of the to-build list touched his muzzle, despite the list being hung on the other side of the room, he finally stood up from his chair and looked around the room. The list was indeed going through the whole floor, and up on Edd’s desk. What’s more, there was no furniture at all! At first, he thought it may have been burglars or something, but soon he realized that all of the furniture went into the machines he was building – the same machines which were now taking up the rest of the room, which wasn’t already covered with the to-build list. He also noticed, that the chair he was sitting on was already a part-toaster, and the table was a drink dispenser lying on the floor. That was too much for Edd - and so he made himself a toast, bought a soda, and sat on the floor thinking.-Okay, Eddward, you’ve got to pull yourself together. – Edd said to himself – I think that’s enough with the building; let’s stop until it drives us both crazy.-Indeed. – replied Edd – Somepony has got to plan the scam for us; and we’re going get those plans, even if that shall make us perish! They both started laughing maniacally, much to the horror of the Ponyville residents walking past their window. At that time, Applejack and a tall, stalwart, brown-coated young Earth pony stallion with a short blue mane and a turnip cutie mark, were walking through a small coppice on the edge of Ponyville. They both seemed very confused. As they walked, they constantly turned their heads to get a better view of a pony prancing around them and talking frantically, trying to explain them something out of the huge sheet of paper he was holding.-So… Why are we here again? – asked Applejack-Yes! Hotshot Eddy keeps trying our patience. – said the tall stallion; he was wearing a yellow T-shirt with a horizontal red stripe The pony, who was none other than Eddy, stopped for a while to explain, but in vain – he was still talking so fast, that Applejack and the stallion, not having understood a word, just nodded half-heartedly and continued walking.-And heeere… - Eddy stopped on a small meadow, talking slow enough to be understood – Here is the future building site of the Eddy Palace! Isn’t it beautiful? Just think of the money I’ll; I mean we’ll rake in! Now AJ, Rolfie Boy, you know what to do. But they didn’t – not even a hint. Applejack didn’t want to disappoint Eddy, so she just asked:-And… Can we just have a look at the plan to visualize… uh… “it” better? – she smiled broadly, seeing Eddy’s disapproving expression-I don’t know… - said Eddy – Only I, as the main head chief manager of this scam, am permitted to lay eyes on the plan; and I think I’ve made myself clear enough on your part, haven’t I? This was indeed an awkward situation. The “associates” just stood there without a word, until Rolf suddenly shouted:-Look! – Applejack and Eddy looked in the direction he was pointing – Is that a coin Rolf’s eyes see there, in the mountains?-A coin! I saw it first!!! – exclaimed Eddy and galloped to the mountain-You’re a genius, Rolf! – said Applejack-Rolf is humbled, thank you, but now we must look at the sacred plans before snake-in-the-grass Eddy comes back. Applejack grabbed the sheet of paper. It was so big, that both Rolf and her had to unroll it simultaneously. How Eddy managed to do this by himself remained a mystery. They thought that they’d finally get a hint on what’s going on, but they were wrong.-Uh… Do you make a mane or tail of it? ‘Cause I don’t. – Applejack was disappointed with the chaotic layout of the plan-Rolf has also never been so confused! But we must not give up, as the all-knowing Ed boy isn’t yet even on half his way to the greed place! Rolf can see it clearly as the tentacles of Nana’s cutie mark. Quick! Bring us an enlargement glass. And so they started studying the plan. As the hours flew by, Ed’s scam didn’t get any more reasonable. The construction, however, was already the size of an average house. That’s about when Ed decided to stop building. Whether it was because Rainbow Dash had a bigger influence on him than Twilight, or simply because he ran out of “building materials”, he sat on a stump and began thinking – what can he do with such a house? Then, suddenly, he came upon an idea – an idea so great, so utterly brilliant, that it couldn’t possibly fail! Or at least that’s what he thought. He galloped to his house, and came back with a HUGE cannon. Everypony looked at him as he ran through the town carrying it on his back. Nopony, however, seemed eager to ask him what’s it for – they all just stepped aside. Once he got back to the meadow his scam was on, he mounted the cannon inside the house and removed the roof above it.-Oh my gosh! What’s with that cannon, Ed! – exclaimed Rainbow Dash, who was flying by again-It’s for my scam. It’s so pretty, isn’t it? – replied Ed-I… guess so, but what are you going to do with it? Shoot ponies out? – Rainbow Dash was just joking, but, unfortunately, Ed often doesn’t get jokes-Yeah! That’s my scam! Do you want to be first?-Well, now, I guess… - said Rainbow Dash as she backed off slowly – Glad that you’ve got the idea after all, but don’t you think it’s a bit… dangerous? Sure, I could do it, but, as we know, not all ponies are like me!-Aw, come on, it’s gonna be fun! – Ed kept on insisting-You might say so, but I don’t wanna be involved if anypony gets hurt. Are you sure it’s safe?-Safe as two plus two equals eight! – exclaimed Ed happily-Okay… - Rainbow Dash wasn’t quite convinced with Ed’s mathematics – So have fun with that cannon of yours, I’ll just go buy those tickets myself. She tried to run away, but Ed grabbed her by the tail, saying:-Aw, shush! Here, you try it, and then you’ll see how fun it is. Before she knew, Rainbow Dash was already in the cannon, the fuse lit. She tried to jump out, but Ed shoved her back in. When the fuse was almost off, Rainbow Dash asked:-Before I die, I have one question: where in Equestria is this cannon from?-My house! – said Ed happily – I collect junk.-JUNK? Oh Celestia! Have mercy, you assassin! – she cried, but it was too late The cannon blew with a huge bang as Ed shouted “Don’t forget to write!”. Meanwhile, Edd and Edd started their search for a plan. At first they just roamed Ponyville in hopes something would just get into their hooves, but soon they decided to take a more scientific approach – to do a survey.-Yes, that’s perfect! – muttered Edd, having finished writing the survey – Soon they will fall to our trap, and the plan will be ours! Mwahahahaha!-May I help you, sir? – asked a waiter of the restaurant Edd was sitting in All customers were looking at Edd like at a maniac. This, however, didn’t discourage him at all. He grinned at the waiter, took out his survey and said:-Can you help us? Oh, yes, you can. What you’ll do is answer a few simple questions.-Of course, sir. – said the waiter with a bored expression-Ha! – Edd squealed with glee – First question: If you had ever stumbled across a lone drink dispenser, what would you do?-I’d recommend the Cherry Cooler, sir.-Cherry Cooler! Of course! – shouted Edd, scribbling in his notepad – Second question: What is the best use for a slot machine?-Just insert a token, sir.-Token! Why didn’t we think of that! – yelled Edd – Third question: In which kind of facility do loudspeakers find most use?-Somewhere where music is being played, sir.-Music discs! That’s brilliant! – exclaimed Edd – Fourth question: What does one need to do to install a lighting system properly?-For a starter I’d say wires, sir. But the trouble is, we don’t carry Cherry Cooler, we don’t carry slot machine tokens, we don’t carry music discs, and we don’t carry wires of any sort. If you need all those items, you’ll have to visit the general store across the street. – said the waiter-The general store! Our savior! The destination of our dreams! – shouted Edd in rapture, but the waiter stopped him:-Please desist, sir, as your outbursts are highly discouraging our clientele. Half of the customers had indeed left after Edd came into the restaurant.-Worry not! We’ll leave this instant, as the general store awaits! And then, the world will be ours! Mwahahahaha!!! – Edd laughed maniacally and galloped out of the restaurant-Why do I always get those weird customers… - groaned the waiter and returned to his duties Unfortunately for Edd (and Edd), the wondrous general store didn’t help him at all in his problems. He came out with a can of Cherry Cooler, twenty arcade tokens, a music disc and some wires, but, to his amazement, they weren’t the long-sought solution he had yearned for so.-I can’t believe he tricked us! – moaned Edd, sitting on the street with all his useless items – And he seemed like a sophisticated waiter, too! But we mustn’t give up. Our survey has failed, yet there is one other way to achieve our goal. And the way is called… Twilight Sparkle! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No wonder the street he was in emptied suddenly as he laughed. At about that time, after an hour of careful studying, Applejack took a deep breath and said:-Okay now, from what I see there, Eddy wants to build a leisure lounge, of some sorts, and wants us to help with the actual building. What do you think of it, Rolf?-Rolf cannot hear you over the sound of his brain baking, o Apple maiden! – he was indeed lying on the ground by the plan with a tortured expression on his muzzle That’s about when Eddy got back.-You need to buy yourself new eyes, Rolf! – he shouted angrily – I came to the exact place and found nothing. I dug, like, fifteen holes, and still nothing! And now all I got is this bottle cap I found on my way back. Is this your definition of money?-Have mercy on Rolf’s feeble mind… - Rolf wasn’t still fully recovered-What he meant to say, is that we can do the work for y’all! – Applejack quickly changed topic – That is, if you’re willing to reward us for our time.-Sure, what were you thinking. I’m not some kind of a cheapskate who halts payment… - said Eddy with a cute expression-Are you… sure? – asked Applejack, seeing Rolf nod his head frantically in disapproval-Are you kidding or what? – Eddy was annoyed by Applejack’s lack of trust – This scam is foolproof! The only thing that it needs is your help. With that, it is guaranteed to profit AT LEAST twentyfold! Here, you can read my calculations if you don’t believe me. Eddy took another huge sheet of paper out of nowhere and threw it at Applejack.-No! I really don’t think it will be necessary. ‘Scuse me for a second! – she said and jumped to Rolf – What do you think of it, Rolf? – she whispered to him – You want to work for Eddy? We’ve got nothing to lose, anyway; and I couldn’t possibly live through another one of those paper sheets!-Rolf agrees. – he answered, and said aloud – We made our decision to join you, o scam-bearing Eddy boy! But Rolf must warn you, the line will be drawn at no lower than the radish from papa’s field.-Okay, chill out, Rolfie boy. Good ol’ Eddy won’t bite you! – laughed Eddy – Now let’s start working, time is money.-Won’t you give us some materials or something? – asked Applejack, looking around – We ain’t gonna build the palace out of thick air, after all.-What do you think I am? Some sort of brick fairy? – said Eddy – I’m the boss here, and the materials are to be supplied by the employees. It’s all in your contract, you know. – he took out yet another giant sheet of paper-But we ain’t plank fairies as well, mister know-it-all! – Applejack was getting annoyed – We can’t build until you give us something to build from; at least some bricks, or stones, or wood, or something.-Well, actually, I was thinking of concrete and marble, but if you want your materials so badly, I’ve got some of that stuff in my backyard, prepared for a rainy day. You can go fetch them. – Eddy replied, took out a lawn chair and sat on it – But don’t be long! Applejack and Rolf set off to Eddy’s house, but they began having second thoughts – after all, they agreed to be workers, and not slaves! Ed and Edd were used to Eddy’s methods, but, unfortunately, they didn’t work as well with other ponies. After Ed fired the cannon, Rainbow Dash was quite panicked at first as she zoomed through the air – but she quickly regained her cool. Even though a junk cannon was something a pony would not want to be shot out of, the results turned out to be not much different from flying – even better, as it was much faster. The ground quickly disappeared from below her as she flew above the clouds. That’s about when she began losing velocity. She took a quick look of the view from above the clouds before she started falling, and was just about to fly her way down, when, to her horror, she noticed that her wings were TIED to her side! That maniac Ed made sure she won’t cheat – and made a good job. Rainbow Dash tried to untie the rope with her teeth, but it was too late - she was hurtling toward the ground like a meteor, unable to avoid the collision. She closed her eyes and prepared for lots of hurt – but instead, she just stopped, heard a crash and an “Alley-oop!”, presumably by Ed. Having opened her eyes, she saw Ed, half driven into the ground, holding her with his hooves in the air.-How fun was that? – he asked happily-Err… Uh… - Rainbow Dash was still quite dazzled – I’ll say… I’ll say… I’ll say GREAT!!! That was awesome! The adrenaline was sure worth it! It’s times like this that make me believe that two plus two equals eight. I could participate in something like this, but first we should test it on somepony other than me, to see if anypony would actually go for it.-I wanna go now! – said Ed, having dug himself from the ground-No, we need somepony with the lowest courage possible, we need the minimum, we need…-But I don’t want to! – shouted Fluttershy, soon pushed by Ed and Rainbow Dash toward the junk house-Come on, Fluttershy! This is perfectly safe, and tons of fun, too. – said Rainbow Dash – We already tested it! You’ll be our survey-pony.-I’m not even good at surveys! Let me go! – cried Fluttershy-I think Fluttershy needs a demonstration, Ed. – Rainbow Dash stopped pushing-Oh! Oh! Can I finally go? – exclaimed Ed eagerly-Sure! See how eager Ed is, Fluttershy? – said Rainbow Dash – You can catch yourself, can’t you? – she asked Ed-Of course! I practiced. – he answered, jumping with excitement-O-Okay… As long as it delays my turn… - said Fluttershy Ed got into the cannon, and Rainbow Dash lit the fuse. Everypony looked at the spark – Fluttershy with fear, Rainbow Dash with anticipation, and Ed with… well… maniacal excitement. As the spark went further, Ed shouted “Floaty clouds, here I come!”. The cannon blew yet again, but this time with not only a bang, but a thick cloud of smoke. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash hid behind some boxes, and when the smoke cleared up, the cannon was gone – just Ed, still standing there, and some pieces of metal lying on the ground.-Whee! I’m flying, like a pretty pigeon! – shouted Ed-Ed, you’re still on the ground. – said Rainbow Dash-I am? – Ed finally noticed that the cannon misfired – Oh no, the cannon is gone! But it was my turn!-Does… that mean I’m excused? – Fluttershy asked quickly-Yes, you are. – the moment Rainbow Dash agreed Fluttershy ran away – Ed, what happened to the cannon?-I don’t know what happened; I even loaded in a quadruple portion of gunpowder to make sure it works… - answered Ed-Quadruple? Where did you even get so much powder? – Rainbow Dash was amazed by Ed’s stupidity-In my junk collection! – Ed exclaimed happily – Do I win?-Not again… - groaned Rainbow Dash – It’s already too late to make another scam! I’m out of here...-Don’t go! – shouted Ed – We can still… uh…-I’m afraid we won’t make much money with “uhhhs”. You can still, I don’t know, go out there in hopes somepony will pay you for nothing after seeing your “house”. But for now, don’t call me until you get another cannon. – said Rainbow Dash and flew away-Somepony will pay me for nothing…? – Ed said to himself – That sound cool! Ponyville, here I come! Unfortunately, you’ve got to be careful with what you say to Ed. Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was just going out of her door to meet with Pinkie Pie at the Sugarcube Corner. Spike was coming out with her. Little did they know they were being watched.-Perfect… - muttered Edd, who was in a nearby tree, watching the whole scene through binoculars – Those fools have no knowledge of our presence, and soon they’ll pay for their inattention as we deprive them of their plans! Heeheehee… Twilight Sparkle locked the door and set off. The instant moment they went out of the range of sight, Edd jumped down from the tree he was on, nearly falling down on a pony below. He was wearing a ninja-like outfit, with lots of gear attached to it. His facial expression was even more maniacal than before.-This simple lock will never withhold us, it won’t! – he chuckled as he got closer to the door Having taken out an automatized pick, Edd was about to undo the lock, but instead he bounced off an invisible wall. The place where he got hit sparkled with purple magic. Upon examining the phenomenon, he noticed a piece of paper taped to the door.-To the Eds - he readHaving anticipated your possible plotting, I’ve blocked my house with an invisible magical barrier that affects only the three of you. I won’t shut the barrier until you all report to me in person, so please turn back now.Twilight Sparkle.P.S. That means you, Edd.-Ha! – exclaimed Edd – Playing hard to get, are you, Twilight? Well then, I state your magic is hardly a match for us. Mwahahahaha! As he laughed, he took out a hookshot, went around the house and fired it into an open window. The barrier was meant only for the Eds, so the hook went through it. Edd grabbed the rope and climbed the barrier to the top. And so, he stood on top of it, among the leaves and branches sticking out. He examined the barrier and noticed weak spots around the places where the branches went outside.-Saving energy, aren’t we, Twilight? One mistake after another… – he said and took out a chainsaw The street filled with a sharp, deafening buzz as Edd cut away a small branch.-What the… - said Twilight, having heard the noise from Sugarcube Corner – That noise… It came from the direction my house is in! This doesn’t sound good at all. Excuse me, Pinkie, but I’d better go there and check if everything’s all right.-Can I go? I can be useful! – Pinkie Pie jumped to her side-Of course, but let’s hurry. – said Twilight and went out of the room-I think I can guess what it is… - muttered Spike, following them – The Edpocalypse is upon us! Meanwhile, Edd had already broken through the barrier. When he had cut off the branch, it revealed to have a hole inside – Twilight set the barrier over non-solids only. The hole was too small, but Edd had crushed the weakened barrier around it away with his hooves; his determination gave him strength. When he was inside, he left the branch lying on the other ones and used his hookshot to climb down to the balcony. Its doors were closed as well, but he disposed of that problem quickly with his pick.-The die is cast… - he said as he entered the library That’s about when Twilight, along with Pinkie and Spike, reached her house.-Gee, I hope it’s bandits, or monsters, or aliens, or bandits, or assassins, or somepony cool we could deal with! Don’t you, Spike? – Pinkie blabbered as Twilight opened the door-I’d rather it was all that than the Eds. – Spike said with exasperation The moment Twilight opened the door, Edd was busy digging through her notes in search of the scam list. When he noticed somepony going in, he jumped behind a potted plant and waited there without a sound.-Anypony there? – Twilight shouted, but got no answer-If you’re bandits, nod once! – yelled Pinkie Pie – And if you’re monsters, nod twice!-The barrier was breached, so it must be one of the Eds. You go to the cellar, Spike, and I’ll check my notes. You stay here, Pinkie.-They didn’t nod at all! – said Pinkie – Then they must be assassins. When Twilight got to her notes and began to look for intruders, Edd took out a slingshot and shot a metal pellet into the open basement door.-Twilight! – Spike shouted, having heard the noise – Something moved in there!-I’m coming. – Twilight replied and trotted to the basement Once she disappeared behind the door, Edd quickly grabbed his hookshot and fired it at Twilight’s stack of notes, meaning to pull them into his hiding place. Unfortunately, he had completely forgotten about Pinkie Pie – who, having noticed the fired hook, jumped to that place and caught the notes from the other side. Seeing Edd’s outfit, she exclaimed “An assassin! I knew it!” and began struggling against his hookshot.-No, you don’t! – Edd shouted – May nopony stand between us and our goal!-“Us”? – said Pinkie – So there’s more of you? However, the machine soon turned out to be stronger and pulled the notes toward Edd. He aimed the hookshot at the ceiling and prepared to escape, but Pinkie was pulled toward him along with the notes! And so the defending mare got rammed into the head of the unrealized spy at full velocity, knocking him out.-Come, Twilight! It’s an assassin! He’s got a whole army! – shouted Pinkie Pie, pinning down Edd-Did he teleport? – said Spike, running up the stairs with Twilight – Wow, he’s good! Meanwhile, Edd came round – only one Edd. When he saw the notes in his hooves and Pinkie Pie practically strangling him, he gasped with anxiousness.-Oh dear, what have I done? – he thought – I must have gone temporarily insane and tried to steal Twilight’s scam list. I’d better give those notes back, apologize and…-Get that thief! – exclaimed Twilight as she got out of the basement Having heard Twilight’s voice, Edd completely lost his cool.-I’m out of here! – he said And so he took out his most powerful weapon – the feather duster – and used it on Pinkie Pie. The treatment wasn’t long – after three seconds she was already rolling on the floor, squealing with laughter. Fortunately, Edd didn’t forget his ninja equipment – he fired the hookshot at the ceiling, got onto the balcony, jumped out through the hole in the barrier, glued the branch back in place, and before anypony knew, was already far away from Twilight’s house.-So it’s Edd again. Have patience, Twilight, the day is almost over. – she muttered to herself-Pinkie, he’s not tickling you anymore! He’s gone! – Spike said to Pinkie Pie, who was still laughing-I know, but it’s fun! – she replied, getting up from the floor Edd’s plans had failed, so he decided to go set up the scam anyways and try to sell the random contraptions he built. When Edd was locked in his epic battle, Applejack and Rolf continued their slavery duties for Eddy. Having arrived at Eddy’s house, they noticed that there was indeed a big pile of planks and bricks lying in the backyard, just enough to build a small “palace” for Eddy. The trouble was, how were they supposed to drag it to the building site? Eddy’s instructions were clear: “If you have any questions, don’t bother asking me, think something out by yourself.”-Now what do we do? – said Applejack, quite concerned – If we don’t get this here stuff to Eddy on time, he’ll get us fired for sure. Rolf started inspecting the building materials.-Fear not! – he said – For Rolf has an idea… After some time, they both arrived at the meadow Eddy was on. All the building materials were in a wooden cart, quickly put together from some of the planks, pulled by Rolf and pushed by Applejack. Considering their improvised transport, they made it in great time – but apparently, great is not enough for Eddy.-There you are! What took you? – he complained-Sorry, boss, but that was the fastest we could. – answered Applejack-Well, it’s still too slow for my standards. – Eddy continued – And what’s with those materials? Couldn’t you bring more? Rolf kicked the cart, breaking it into single planks. Eddy was less than satisfied, though.-Was that it? I need more materials! – he carried on with his crazy demands-Those are all supplies we were given, all-too-wise Ed boy! – said Rolf-Well then, uh… - Eddy lost a little confidence-Listen here, mister big boss. – Applejack cut in – Don’t y’all get carried away with your supremacy, or we’ll just quit. We aren’t slaves, after all!-Quit? But how? But… The cash! – Eddy was astonished by the possibility of one rejecting money-But nothing! – Applejack cut in – From now on, we’d like to be treated more fair as workers. You wouldn’t want the Labor Union to get to you, now would you?-The Labor Union! – Eddy gasped with fear – I mean… Of course… - the Labor Union was a blow below the bridle for him-So we got a deal? – asked Applejack-Sure, okay, yeah, right, of course, naturally, certainly, absolutely… - he started babbling, but Applejack cut in:-Okay, we get the point. So now, where do we start?-Build the walls as in the plan, and then lay out the floor. – Eddy said, smiling cutely, and, seeing his workers turn away, mumbled to himself – Cursed laborers, always trying to go the easy way! But they’ll rue the moment they messed with me… And so, the Eddy Palace slowly began to rise on the meadow. The plans had to be cut down a little - much to Eddy’s disappointment- because of the time shortage, but still it turned out pretty neat for something built in mere hours. Rolf and Applejack made a very good job, in hopes that the more customers it attracts, the higher their pay will be. When the palace was ready, they returned to Eddy. Their boss was sitting on the lawn chair, reading a newspaper.-We’re done, Eddy! – said Applejack-Yes! We built it quicker than it takes for Rolf’s nana to peel the beets for dinner. – completed Rolf-Maybe later, I’m still on the Sports section… You did? Of course! – exclaimed Eddy happily – Now then, thank you very much for your effort, but that’s where your part ends; I can supply the interior on my own. Goodbye! – he said, backing away to the Eddy Palace slowly-“Goodbye”? Not so fast, Mr. Boss! – Applejack cut in – Aren’t y’all forgetting our payment? Weren’t we supposed to get a part of the profit money? ‘Cause it seems to me like you’re trying to wriggle out of it…-Ah that, yeah, sure… - Eddy tried to buy some time to scoot slowly towards the palace – I’m sure that your reward will indeed be considered…-“Indeed considered”? – Applejack was getting more and more suspicions – This doesn’t sound quite legit to me. Just confirm our payment, for Pete’s sake! Having noticed how Eddy is backing off faster and faster, Applejack and Rolf started following. The boss was getting more and more nervous as he said:-I assure you that I wouldn’t refuse a rightful reward for such loyal workers… Eddy carried on, despite nopony believed him anymore. To his luck, that was just about when he got to the palace’s door. And so, before anypony knew, he whizzed inside and locked the door.-Except you aren’t “loyal workers” of mine anymore! – he shouted from the window, tearing the contract into pieces – No crying will help you now, ‘cause I’ve got the upper hoof. The Eddy Palace is invincible! Now then, all you have left is to accept your fate and go home. Suckers! Rolf and Applejack stood there for a while with their mouths wide open, but they soon regained their cool.-Drat! I should’ve known better than to trust that trickster. – said Applejack-You’ve got that right! – Eddy taunted her in reply – Unfortunately, you two made too much of a good job building it. Just go and try to wreck it if you dare! Applejack tried to kick the wall a few times with no result, but Rolf stopped her.-Do not strain yourself on those innocent bricks. – Eddy continued – Unless you bring a cannon, in which I doubt, nothing can destroy my fortress!-Wait a minute… - Applejack came upon an idea – You don’t have a cannon, do you?-No, what are you… - replied Eddy and momentarily lost his cool seeing Applejack and Rolf bring more planks and board up the doors and windows – Are you trying to… You are… No, don’t…! Stop it! Before he knew it, his palace was already surrounded tight with spare planks and logs. His ex-workers left only a small hole in the barricade to talk with him.-How about now, not-so-tricky Ed boy? – Rolf said through the slit – Still so greedy? In reply, Eddy shouted out a long sequence of words, not quite suitable for print. Applejack and Rolf, however, were less than concerned.-You can say what you want, but sooner or later y’all have to surrender! – replied Applejack happily – I don’t quite recall you making food supplies. And so the besiegers brought Eddy’s lawn chair to his prison, sat down and started waiting. Meanwhile, Eddy was thinking about some way to get out. How could his ultimate plan ever have failed? Yet still, out of pure stubbornness, he didn’t even think of surrendering; he’d rather tear the whole building to pieces – and so he did. Not quite known for patience, Eddy pulled out a metal rod from one of the window frames to use as a crowbar. He started crushing the plaster on the walls and pulling out the bricks, one by one. This took him some time, but Applejack and Rolf had more of that stuff than they could’ve ever wanted. He inspected them every now and then through the slit in the barricade – and every time he saw them completely relaxed, sitting on the ground and reading his newspaper. And every time Applejack saw his face in the hole, she shouted:-Anytime you’re ready, boss! This only further enraged him – he pulled out the bricks faster and faster, until the whole front wall was gone, leaving only a few small pillars of bricks left to support the roof and, of course, another wall of planks and logs. He tried smashing it with his improvised crowbar, but it broke in contact with the heavy wood. And so he started trotting around the palace furiously in search of something that would help him break free. Fortunately, his ex-workers left a saw in the building – and that filled Eddy’s heart with joy more than any jawbreaker he would find. He couldn’t cut a (relatively) flat surface with it, but he had a much better plan…-What is this faint thumping Rolf’s ears hear? – Rolf noticed a strange sound– Is it Nana mashing the cabbage again?-It’s coming from the palace! – replied Applejack – I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t think this is going to be pretty… - she said as the thumping got louder and louder Soon, single planks started falling off from one of the barricade’s walls.-I’ll be darned! He’s still coming through! – shouted Applejack and tried to hold the crumbling wall with her hooves Rolf, however, didn’t help her at all. He just stood there with a sly expression. Seeing that, Applejack instantly knew what he was up to – and stopped supporting the barricade. After a while, they heard Eddy scream “Top THAT now!!!” and the barricade’s wall burst into bits, revealing him holding an improvised ram made out of a wooden beam. At first he acted triumphant, but then, seeing Rolf and Applejack’s calm expressions, lost his cool.-What the… Why are you smiling like that! – he exclaimed nervously – Is there something on my muzzle or what? I destroyed the brick wall and smashed your puny barricade with my ram…-Made out of the support beam. – finished Applejack with a broad smile-Made of what? – said Eddy surprised He didn’t quite understand what was going on at first, but, seeing the roof wobble dangerously, he shouted “I’m out of here!”, jumped to his ex-workers and watched the mighty Eddy Palace crumble into rubble before their eyes.-That’s what you get for cheating your employees. – said Applejack – We’re sorry, boss, but no pay means no service! I hope this will be a lesson for y’all.-Don’t be so confident, for hotshot Eddy never learns; his stubbornness can be compared only to the heaviness of mama’s stuffed yams! – replied Rolf and, along with Applejack, went away, leaving Eddy in shock-But… the palace… the money… - he babbled in horror And so, left alone by his workers, Eddy completely lost his cool. He started calling for help, but no response. Then he tried to rebuild the palace by himself. He strained and struggled, built and assembled all the afternoon. When the sun started setting, he looked at the fruit of his work – a majestic, glorious, breathtaking, small, short, trashy wooden fence. Seeing all that awesomeness compressed tightly into this less-than-usable pile of planks, he groaned in frustration and kicked it over.-What am I going to do now! – he said to himself – I’ll just have to go to town with my plans and then think of something. Yeah, that’s a good idea… I’ll cope someway… someway… None of his world-famous confidence was left in his voice.

Chapter III - The grand scam-off

Chapter III – The grand scam-off

The afternoon turned into evening as the sun set, further depleting the Eds’ time to execute their scams. They didn’t even have the whole rest of the day left, as the ticket booth closed in late evening. It wouldn’t be that bad though, if not for the fact that, through the whole day, they didn’t make anything that would have the slightest chance to attract customers! Nevertheless of their failed efforts, they decided to take a go at it with all they had left. The streets of Ponyville were still filled with citizens finishing their daily business when the Eds came back into town. They entered the town square each from a different side, carrying their “scams” with them. Ed was pushing a huge platform with his wonky junk-house on it. Everypony stepped aside as he pushed it through the streets. Inside were still the remains of the cannon, and on the front there was a big sign saying “Pay me for nothing!”. Various materials such as boxes or loose planks were falling off from the sides of the house and onto the street as he pressed forward, creating further danger to other ponies. Luckily for Ed, the Mayor was paged away that evening in an important matter, for she would throw him and his dangerous building out of the town square if she was there – because nopony else dared to do so. Ed didn’t seem worried about the scam at all – after all, Rainbow Dash told him that this would work! Or at least that’s what he understood. His immense strength helped him a lot with the transport – less than could be said for Edd. The former mad genius started transporting his scam to the town square a lot earlier than Ed and Eddy, but all he managed to drag there was a vending machine and a few loudspeakers. Transportation was an unfamiliar thing to him – it was Ed who usually took care of it. He could’ve, of course, built a forklift or something, but he hadn’t thought of it until it was too late; and even if he had, the “other” Edd would successfully cease all his plans. And so he had to cope with the transport using only a small cart. Other ponies could’ve helped him, if they weren’t too scared, remembering his previous maniacal outbursts. When the other Eds arrived at the town square, he had just gotten there with another load, consisting of two toasters, from which one was part-chair. Edd was very anxious and sorry about the whole thing, but at least he had something actual and physical to offer – Eddy didn’t even achieve that requirement. With the Eddy Palace destroyed and nopony to help him rebuild it, he didn’t have any chance to revive his scam. And so, as he decided, he went to the town square with his plans only, in hopes the solution would come over him on the way. He thought and thought, until his muzzle turned all red from the effort. Grumbling with exasperation throughout all the way, he arrived at the town square. He sat down on a bench, and unrolled the plan on the ground. The way everypony backed off as the sheet of paper extended further and further gave him an excellent idea – the plan of the Eddy Palace was almost life-scale! If he unrolled it on the ground, given everypony had a very active imagination, he could at least PRETEND that he has got a palace there… Interesting…-Hah! – shouted Eddy, seeing Edd and Ed on the other sides of the square – ‘Sup, lamebrains? Is that really what your scams look like without me? I don’t even want to know what THAT is, Ed! And didn’t somepony ever tell you that randomness doesn’t sell, sockhead?-T-Typical of you, Eddy! – replied Edd, grunting with exertion as he pulled his cart – I, f-for one, at least have r-reasonable items to offer! One can not m-make business selling conceptions d-dressed up as reality. Even Ed here c-came as far as to have a-actual items included in his enterprise; though Celestia knows what is he willing to achieve with them…-Baloney without gravy! – yelled Ed in response – Your scams are all weak and puny. Little Eddy is still playing in his fake paper world and Double D can’t even bring his silly doohickeys here! I am much better than you, as somepony will pay me for nothing. I’ve got it proved and sure as two plus two is nine and a half!-Well, good luck waiting for that “somepony” of yours, ‘cause I’ve got all I need here. In my awesome Eddy Palace! – Eddy shouted furiously-Have fun playing in your imaginary palace, as my humble expectations shall be fully quenched by my own technical appliance sale. – Edd said insecurely-That is, if it’ll be here by next sometime; and I don’t even have to do anything! – Ed exclaimed happily They were so consumed with their bickering, that they didn’t even notice Twilight Sparkle enter the town square. When she took a look at the Eds’ failed scams, she smiled broadly and said:-Just as I suspected…-Wait for me! – exclaimed Spike who was behind her running to the square with a bucket of popcorn – Are we late for the Ed show?-Nah, it’s just begun. – replied Twilight and sat on a bench – For now we’ll sit here and watch; I’m curious to find out what have they done with their solo scams. When the time is right, I’ll go there and convince them to come back together.-Not that I’m eager to miss any of their antics, but couldn’t you just do it now? – said Spike-Not quite, Spike; when they fail ultimately, they’ll admit to their mistakes much easier. And besides, I think that right now they’re too frustrated to listen to anypony… – she replied looking at Eddy chew on his tail in nervousness-Oh shoore, pahdon mah ignohans’… - mumbled Spike gobbling up his popcorn And so the final scam showdown had started – with no holds barred, all bets are off. The first customer to arrive was Golden Harvest. She was just passing by and stopped for a while to take a look at the curious sheet of paper at the ground, not even aware of what it was, but Eddy instantly screamed:-A-HAAA!!! See that, losers? The first customer is MINE! ALL MINE!!! In your face! He carried on shouting – but little did he know that Golden Harvest was already far away, scared away by his maniacal reaction.-I fail to see the reason of your irrelevant outburst. – noticed Edd, who just got back with another small load-That’s ‘cause you fail at everything! – Eddy shouted in reply – Better buy yourself some glasses, as my highly valued and future frequent sucker; I mean customer is right… His jaw dropped as he looked at the empty space he was pointing at, previously occupied by Golden Harvest.-Well, then… - he said, still amazed by the disappearance phenomenon he witnessed – The only explanation is that my scam is of such quality, that that mare simply imploded out of pure awesomeness. No doubt!-Certainly, no doubt… - replied Edd ironically – But the chance of said occurrence to come into place is slighter than that of your scam succeeding. In other words, negative infinity! Before Eddy could insult him in reply, Edd galloped away with his cart to get another load.-Thwentah pointsh foh Doubbal Deeh! – exclaimed Spike, still stuffing himself with popcorn – Want some? – he asked Twilight-No thanks. – she replied-Drat, now my good deed is ruined… - he said to himself Seeing Noteworthy pass by, he tried again:-Want some? – he asked showing him the bucket of popcorn-Sure, why not? – replied the stallion and reached into the bucket – Wait a minute, there’s nothing there! – he said when his hoof touched the bottom-There isn’t? – Spike was surprised as well – Oh, yeah, right… - he chuckled nervously after looking into the bucket – I’ll go get a refill now, but I’ll call you when there’s more!-Yeah, right… – replied Noteworthy and walked away Spike decided to go to Edd, in hopes he would have a popcorn machine among all his doohickeys; but when he ran across the square, what he saw at the stand wasn’t Double D. There were indeed some contraptions lying on the ground, but in front of them stood a sign saying “Back whenever, apologies for the inconvenience”.-Okay, I’ll wait… - Spike said to himself – But I sure hope “whenever” counts into this century… Meanwhile, Ed was still just sitting there and waiting for his miraculous donor; however, nopony seemed to even walk past his stand. This didn’t make him lose faith at all – on the contrary, he waited more and more eagerly, imagining himself rolling in bits after Rainbow Dash’s “promise” comes into life. And so his anticipation came to an end, when he saw Cheerilee stand next to his crazy house. She just stopped by to have a closer look at the weird sign – and that was a fatal mistake. Seeing her, Ed shouted:-Here you are! Where have you been so long? Give me my money. Cheerilee was about to run away, especially considering the creepy grin Ed gave her, but curiosity took the best of her.-What money? What are you talking about? – she asked-Rainbow Dash told me you would pay me for nothing. Now pay! – replied Ed – I’m not picky, three hundred bits will be enough. – he completed, still smiling broadly-Rainbow Dash? Well, I… - said Cheerilee, backing off slowly-Shush! Are you breaking your promise? – Ed wasn’t happy with her reaction – I said, give me money for nothing. Makes sense, doesn’t it?-Sure, it does, but I think I left my money at home; let me just fetch it, okay? – she replied and, before Ed could answer, trotted away-Left your what where? – asked Ed when she was already far away At Edd’s stand, Spike was still waiting for the owner to return; and as he stood there, a queue began to form behind him. Everypony was quite curious about Edd’s sale, not because they liked the actual items, but because they were intrigued by the shopkeeper’s continuous absence. Seeing Edd get so many potential customers angered Eddy, whose “palace” was still ignored.-Hey, you! Yes, you, with the popcorn! – he shouted to Spike – What are you waiting for? Did somepony glue you to the ground?-Just ignore him, Spike – the dragon said to himself – Maybe he’ll go away…-And you all! – Eddy complained to the rest of the queue – Fess up, how much did Edd pay you to stand there?-Who? – replied Minuette, who was standing in the queue – We’re here because we’re curious about the sale.-The sale? – Eddy exclaimed in frustration – What’s so great about that sale, for crying out loud! I mean, what has HE got that I haven’t got?-You… Don’t have anything. – said Minuette Eddy looked at her with a rabid glare; but he knew he had to change tactics – and fast! And so he scooted toward the queue with a sly expression.-And did any of you know… - he started slowly – Why, before you, nopony was standing here?-Uh… Bad advertising? – asked Minuette-Wrong! – replied Eddy – Hear me well, all, ‘cause what I’m gonna reveal, isn’t meant for pony ears. Nopony knows this, but Double D is actually an alien. From outer space! – he exclaimed, even though everypony was looking at him incredulously – Don’t believe me, huh? And what, do you think, is… This? – he said, picking up the toaster chair-Don’t answer, and he’ll quit. – Spike muttered through gritted teeth, but Minuette didn’t hear him-Err… A toaster. No, a chair. It’s… Both? – she asked-Aha! That’s what you would think! – Eddy shouted in response – But this, oh this… As well as each and every other item here, no exception, is actually a top-secret alien device designed to destroy us all and bring an end to Ponyville! – he exclaimed dramatically-Yeah! I concourse! – shouted Ed, who decided to join Eddy against Edd for the moment – These evil doohickeys ate my buttered toast!-See? The tall colt is right! – yelled Eddy, even though he saw that nopony believed him at all – This here device was designed to send ultrayellow radiation into the space and summon meteors to fall! Scary, isn’t it?-Stop milking it, Eddy. – Spike said with exasperation – This is one of the worst schemes I’ve ever heard.-Schemes, you say? Like you’d know anything about it! – exclaimed Eddy – This dragon looks pretty suspicious to me, too. After all, he’s the one who dragged you all here; and now he’s denying Edd’s alienship! I bet he’s Edd’s assistant. Who’s to say he’s not an alien as well! He’d blabber like this for long, if not for Edd’s return. He came back dragging a huge vending machine on his cart. Seeing Eddy and a long queue in front of his stand, he said:-May I ask what’s going on here?-It’s the alien! Run, everypony! – yelled Ed-What alien? Did I miss something? – Edd was very confused-Nothing, just Eddy trying to convince everypony that you are an alien from outer space bent on destroying Ponyville… - said Spike bored-Oh, did he… - Edd replied with annoyance-Watch out, everypony! He’ll try to trick you, so believe only me! – shouted Eddy-Well, I’ll say it’s much more scientifically probable if Eddy was an alien himself. In fact, I’ve got some proof for that! – said Edd, approaching Eddy-That’s true! – Ed changed sides – Eddy wants to hypnotize you all with his invisible palace combarishminiggans!-Uh… Well… I… - Eddy muttered and galloped away to his stand-Now then, since the impostor is gone, I can serve you all. – Edd said to the queue – And I must say, I’m flattered with how many of you showed up. – he completed, looking at Eddy with triumph-Finally! I’ve been waiting, like, forever! – Spike exclaimed cheerfully – I’d like to buy a popcorn machine, to get a refill here, you know. – he said, shoving the popcorn bucket to Edd’s muzzle-A popcorn machine? Well… - Edd answered nervously – I’m sure I’ve got one here… As he shuffled through his wares, he got more and more anxious.-I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t have one right here. – he finally said – But if you could just wait a minute, I could go home and check there… Spike looked at him with increasing annoyance and said:-Do you realize that through that time I could’ve gone to the shop and bought myself a new bucket of popcorn? Like ten times! The queue was getting more and more impatient as well.-I’m terribly sorry, sir, but I can even build one right here if you wish, if you only gave me time – Edd tried to explain-Spike! – shouted Twilight from the other side of the square – I brought new popcorn for you!-See? Sorry, but one doesn’t keep a dragon away from his rightfully deserved popcorn. I’m coming, Twilight! – Spike exclaimed and walked away-Oh, dear… - Edd was getting anxious-Ha! – shouted Eddy – ‘Sup, sockhead? Losing your clientele already? What a shame! – he laughed As Eddy taunted Edd, the third of the Eds began thinking about his scam. Something just wasn’t right - according to his imaginings, he’d be up to his muzzle in bits now. However, nopony except Cheerilee even showed up.-I must be doing something wrong. – Ed said to himself – Maybe somepony was going to give me money for nothing but forgot about it… I’d better remind them. Everypony in the square looked at Ed as he began shouting:-Everypony supposed to give me money for nothing please report at my stand! Seeing nopony react to his call, he continued:-Any donations will be highly rewarded with nothing! First-class nothing! Uh… A truckload of nothing! Even a bucketful! – he added, seeing that his generous offer still didn’t encourage anypony He began losing hope, as his advertising only discouraged the clientele instead of attracting it. However, one pony seemed intrigued about his offer. And the one pony who would pay to get a truckload of fine-grade nothing was Derpy Hooves.-Hi! – she said, approaching Ed – I’d like one nothing, hold the everything!-Okay, but are you real? – asked Ed, who still didn’t believe his luck-Is that a trick question…? – replied Derpy, getting worried-Never mind that! – exclaimed Ed, who didn’t want to lose a customer just because she wasn’t real – Real or fake or buttered toast in disguise, it doesn’t matter. Here’s your nothing, now pay me! – he said, handing Derpy over a hoofful of air – I knew we’d understand each other.-Pay…? – Derpy was quite surprised – But why?-D’oh! – Ed grunted with annoyance – Why is everypony so unfair? Rainbow Dash promised me you’d pay me, so pay!-Pay… - repeated Derpy – I think I left my money at home.-Oh, no you didn’t! – said Ed – I’m not falling for that trick again. This time, bring me the money, and then go home!-Okay, I can do that! – replied Derpy and walked away-What a honest pony… - Ed said to himself – But wait a minute… She went away with my nothing! She stole it! – he began shouting – Royal Guards! Police! Anypony! This mare took my nothing! Unfortunately for him, neither police or the Royal Guard was in the square. And even if they were, chances that they would help him were less than slight. And so he continued:-Anypony, please! The one who brings me my nothing will get a reward; my nothing!-Mwahahahaha! – laughed Eddy – That’s rich! They stole your WHAT? Now you can’t even keep your nothing safe?-That was a robbery! – Ed replied angrily – Maybe I’ll take some of your nothing for compensation?-Nothing? This ain’t nothing! – shouted Eddy, trotting over his “palace” – This is service in its purest form.-Oh, service in its purest form? That’s brilliant! I wonder why it took you that long to figure it out. – noticed Edd, breaking away from his duties for a moment – Now try to figure out why it hasn’t been used ever before! And Ed, as far as I’m concerned, the law codex states that for the theft of one’s nothing, the culprit is sentenced to zero days in prison, exchangeable for a monetary fine of zero bits.-Like you would know anything about it! – replied Ed – I want my nothing back! Edd only groaned in response and returned to serving his queue. That is, if one can call one single pony a queue – because that was everypony who was left from his fabulous collection of potential customers. All the other ones changed their mind and left after Edd introduced them to his wares. It turned out that nopony would find an actual use for any of his devices. Nopony wanted to buy a vending machine; nopony needed a lighting system; everypony already had their own toasters. All these machines would find great use as part of a bigger scam, but a retail sale wasn’t really quite effective. And so the only pony left in the queue was Minuette.-Now then… - sighed Edd – What do you please to purchase here?-I’d like to buy this here toaster, please. – replied Minuette-Okay, I understand, please go away now, I promise not to bother you anymore… Wait, what? – exclaimed Edd, who had already lost all hope – Am I misheard or am I simply going insane again?-Neither, I just want to buy your toaster. – answered the customer-Somepony wants to buy my toaster… - Edd repeated and was about to faint, but Minuette said:-Wait a minute! First I buy it, then you faint, okay? Now then, how much do I pay?-Eight bits. – Edd replied cheerfully Minuette paid the money and took the toaster, but as she tried to put it into her saddlebag, the whole inside of the toaster fell out right through its bottom.-This toaster is broken! – she said angrily-B-Broken? But how? T-This shouldn’t be! – babbled Edd, shuffling through the metal scraps After a while of searching, he found a small card saying:“Dear EddwardThank you for letting me do the tweaking when you were tired from building the devices for your scam. I hope you like the little modifications I’ve given to then.EddwardP.S. Mwahahahaha!!!”-Oh no, no, no… - Edd mumbled anxiously, looking at the card and at Minuette, who was already getting annoyed-Now I’ll just take my money back and leave, okay? – she asked-No, no, no, no… - Edd continued, still in shock Seeing that he won’t respond, Minuette just took her money and walked away.-Beaten by yourself? – Eddy was taking every turn to mock Edd – This is just getting better and better. That’s something I’d expect from Ed, really!- Nope, that’s what you would do. – replied Ed – I’m so good that even I couldn’t beat myself!-Bohreeng! – shouted Spike, once again with a mouthful of popcorn – Ah want shome moar actshun!-Don’t get excited, Spike; action is not what we’re here for. – said Twilight – And I really think you’re eating too much popcorn…-Baloneeh! – replied the dragon stuffing another fistful of popcorn into his mouth That’s about when Rarity came. She was walking through one of the nearby streets when she saw Twilight and Spike sitting on the bench and decided to join them.-Hello, Twilight! What are you doing here so late, darling? – she said-Nothing you’d be interested in, really… - Twilight tried to explain, but Spike interrupted her:-Want some? – he said, showing Rarity his popcorn bucket-Why, certainly, I’d be delighted to… - replied Rarity - But… There’s nothing here!-Nothing? Really? How interesting… - Spike chuckled nervously and groaned to himself – Not again; this is embarrassing… Wait just a minute, I’ll go get a refill. – he said aloud-No, Spike! No more popcorn, please. – Twilight tried to stop him-That’s right, don’t go, Spike. – said Rarity – I’ll go and buy it for you! – she completed and started walking through the square toward the shop-Rarity! – shouted Twilight – Stop! Don’t go there!-Why shouldn’t I? – Rarity replied – It’s just a short walk away, and surely one bucket of popcorn won’t do our little Spike any bad…- Too late… – said Twilight as Rarity was already halfway through the square-Too late for what? See, I don’t really have time for that kind of charades. – replied Rarity-Don’t look around you now. Just don’t. – Twilight completed anxiously-What now? – said Rarity with annoyance and looked around – What is there my eyes cannot see… Oh my goodness… Rarity looked left – and she saw Ed. Rarity looked forward – and she saw Edd. Rarity looked right – and she saw Eddy.-Eds… All I see is Eds… Eds everywhere… - she whispered-Hiii, Rarity… Want a toaster…? – said all the eerie voices inside her head Rarity giggled nervously and fainted in the center of the square.-I warned you. – said Twilight with worry-So… That means no popcorn? – asked Spike Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was flying over Ponyville on her way home, when she heard somepony call her name from below. Though reluctantly and slowly, she stopped and flew down.-This better be something important… - she said with exasperation on her way down Much to her surprise, the pony calling her was Cheerilee; she was sure that was the last pony she’d expect to see there, but she had to listen to her nevertheless.-What is it, ma’am? – asked Rainbow Dash – But I’m warning you, don’t be long; I’m kind of in a hurry.-There you are, Rainbow Dash. – said Cheerilee – I’ve got a problem, and I got a hint that you might be able to help me with it.-A problem? Yeah! Of course! A problem! – exclaimed Rainbow Dash excitedly – You should’ve told that sooner. Now, where is that giant, menacing, raging, armor-scaled, fire-breathing beast of a dragon?-I’m afraid it’s not quite that kind of a problem. – replied Cheerilee – See, I’ve met this weird young stallion, who kept on insisting that I owe him a lot of money. Furthermore, he stated that it was you who promised him that I would give him the money for nothing. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that… Would you? – she completed with annoyance-Weird young stallion? Money for nothing? Ed! – Rainbow Dash was getting anxious – Oh no… Please tell me it ain’t so! Please tell me it was a giantmenacingraging armorscaledfirebreathing beastofadragon! – she babbled-No it wasn’t… - answered Cheerilee – Wait a minute; you know his name! Was it you who lied to him about me then?-That idiot! – wailed Rainbow Dash – Sorry, Cheerilee, but I’ve got no time to chat; somepony has got to stop that maniac before he terrorizes the whole town! See ya! – she said and flew away She knew what was going on; knew it even a little too well. Ed understood her words literally and started forcing everypony into giving him money; and, what’s worse, pinned the blame on her! Rainbow Dash flew as fast as she could along the streets; but before she got far, she crashed into Derpy Hooves, who was flying in the opposite direction - and they both fell to the ground. Derpy, as though she didn’t notice that at all, stood up instantly and started shouting:-Rainbow Dash! You’re here!-Rainbow Dash…? Really…? Where… – muttered Rainbow Dash, still stunned by the crash-I need your help! – Derpy continued blabbering – I met this stallion, and he had a strange house, and he wanted money, and look! I got this nothing! – she finished, shoving her hooves in front of Rainbow Dash’s muzzle Even Derpy’s chaotic explanations were enough for Rainbow Dash.-That’s a pretty nice… nothing you’ve got there, Derpy, but I really need to go! – she shouted-But don’t you want some of this nothing? – said Derpy, blocking her way-I’ve got plenty at home, really! Now let me go! – exclaimed Rainbow Dash and jumped over Derpy and her nothing-Watch out! He’s kind of weird! – yelled Derpy, waving Rainbow Dash as she flew away If Rainbow Dash knew only a hint of what Ed was capable of, she’d never even whisper one word to him. In her imagination she already saw the whole town square in total chaos, engulfed in flames and riddled with craters. Much to her surprise, when she saw the said place from across the street she flew into, it was in relatively good shape. And so, seeing Ed’s wonky trash house, she was about to go there and give him a piece of her mind; however that’s also when she noticed a group of five or six ponies walking out of the square. As they seemed all grumpy, anticipating the worst, Rainbow Dash decided to be extra cautious. At first she just walked slowly on the side of the street, but the instant moment she heard one of them mention her name in their conversation, she switched to evasive action by jumping into the nearby bushes.-Geez, six in one go? Ed’s good! And that kinda freaks me out… - she thought as the angry ponies walked past the bushes she was in As Rainbow Dash was on her way to rescue the town from the Ed Menace, Twilight and Spike tried to bring Rarity round. They stood over her in the middle of the square; Twilight tried squirting her with water, while Spike just sat there and wailed. Despite their (Twilight’s) efforts, nothing seemed to work – the Ed-induced shock must have been too great. Cherry Berry, who was just passing by, asked Twilight:-Is everything all right there?-No, thank you, everything’s fine. – Twilight answered – She does those things. Same with him. – she completed, pointing at Spike-Oh, Rarity! – moaned the dragon – If she ever gets out of it, I swear I’ll give her all of my popcorn… well, maybe half; I need to eat too.-Calm down; no need to get so generous, Spike. – said Twilight – This is quite natural, well, at least for her. If she reacted so dramatically to one Ed at once, the Ed-ness compressed in this square must have knocked her off her hooves. But we’ll bring her round, don’t you worry.-Or one quarter… Huh? Excuse me, you were saying? – asked Spike-Never mind. – replied Twilight with exasperation But let’s not forget the Eds. After they managed to fit all their crazy schemes, epic failures and/or other various stupid mistakes into such a short time, business was even slower for them. Edd, even more resigned, simply continued to transport his devices to the square. However, since the toaster sabotaged by his other self broke apart, he had to check every device he transported, making progress on his scam even slower. By then, about half of his wares turned out to be “modified”. Ed, despite his usual happy-go-lucky attitude also began to lose his cool along with losing his “customers”. Gossip spreads quick, so by then everypony was smarter than to get close to his stand. As for Eddy, somepony might’ve even come and take a look at his “palace”, given anypony actually noticed it. All of the potential customers just walked past it, convinced that it was an art performance or something. Eddy was never quite known for his calm nature, but this made him really furious. Outraged with everypony’s ignorance of his wonderful scam, he decided that it was time to act.-Hey, you! – he shouted at a random stallion passing by his palace – Yes, you! Listen when I’m talking to you! What, may I ask, do you see HERE? – he completed, pointing at the ground-I don’t see anything. – replied the stallion, Doctor Whooves, to be exact – Is this a survey or something?-You don’t see anything? Well, what would you say if I told you that you’re standing before a magnificent palace made of marble and solid gold, topped with high, pointy towers and… - Eddy started blabbering angrily-I’d say… - Doctor Whooves interrupted him – Are you feeling all right?-Feeling all right? Sure am! – said Eddy, smiling creepily – Hey, you there! – he screamed at Roseluck, who had just walked through a corner of his plan – You’re walking through a WALL!!!-A wall? So you’re a mime? – said Doctor Whooves In reply, Eddy just roared with fury.-Begone, foul bumpkin! – he yelled in an insane inspiration – Ye of little imagination shall not deserve to approach the wonders of the Eddy Palace! Seeing Doctor Whooves quickly trot away and everypony in the square look at him, Eddy calmed down a bit.-Uh… ‘Sup, everypony? – he said insecurely – Nopony wants to visit good ol’ Eddy?-There ain’t enough imagination in the world! – Ed shouted to him-It may be just me, but I believe this enactment of yours has just depleted the chances of anypony coming to your scam to less than zero. – said Edd-It may be. – Eddy admitted his defeat – Not that you two had anything to deplete in the first place!-Close, but no touché, Eddy. – answered Edd – You might have not noticed, but I did manage to sell one vending machine, just a moment ago.-Oh, have you? – said Eddy with annoyance – Was that the one you gave out for free?-Did not! – shouted Edd-Actually, he paid me five bits to take it. – said Apple Bloom, who was indeed struggling with a vending machine on the other side of the square-You keep out of it, passive purchaser! – Edd shouted in reply-See? You’re a failure, no doubts! – Eddy said with triumph-We’re two of a kind, then. – Edd replied bitterly Ed was about to give Edd and Eddy a piece of his mind on how he’s successful in failing. However, that’s when he felt somepony tapping on his back. He turned around to see Rainbow Dash hiding in his junk house. She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, Ed exclaimed:-Hi, Rainbow Dash! What are you doing in my house? Are you here to give me money?-No, Ed! – she replied angrily – What I’m here for is…-I know! – Ed interrupted her – You’ve brought the pony who will give me money here, right?-Heck no! – Rainbow Dash was getting more and more annoyed – I’m trying to say that…-No, let me guess! – she was interrupted once again – You brought back my nothing?-Will you stop that! – exclaimed Rainbow Dash Ed was about to start blabbering again, but this time she was prepared; she stuffed her hoof into his mouth and continued:-Please, answer me this simple question. Do you have the slightest idea of what you’re doing?-Nope. – Ed replied blissfully-I suspected so. – groaned Rainbow Dash – Now then, acknowledge that, through your lamebrain scamming, you have already annoyed, like, half of the town, and, accidentally or not, pinned all the blame on me; that’s also why I have to be hiding now. What do you have to say for yourself?-Nothing! – answered Ed, still with the same ignorant smile – Do I win?-What a bonehead! Nothing is getting to him! – thought Rainbow Dash – Let me just put it this way. – she said aloud – I never said that somepony would pay you for nothing. In fact, I said the opposite; nopony will give you money.-Nopony…? – Ed said with worry Rainbow Dash thought she’d won seeing Ed’s disappointed expression, but soon she learned that it was too soon to celebrate, for Ed quickly regained his smirk and said:-That’s okay! I’ll just call him! Nopony…! – he started shouting-Wait, Ed, stop! –Rainbow Dash yelled in terror Unfortunately, it was too late. The whole square stared at Ed as he continued shouting:-Mr. Nopony paged to Ed’s Pay-Me-For-Nothing stand, on behalf of Rainbow Dash’s request to donate money for Mr. Ed! Ed seemed even more thick than usual, garnering everypony’s attention to Rainbow Dash. At first the poor Pegasus didn’t know where to run, but then she noticed Twilight in the middle of the square. She made a huge jump, flying out of Ed’s trash house and landing next to her.-Twilight! You’ve gotta help me! – Rainbow Dash shouted frantically-Rainbow Dash? What is Ed talking about… – said Twilight – Is it true that transacting bribes for him?-And who’s this Nopony he’s talking about? – asked Spike-Never mind that! – Rainbow Dash continued – Just hide me, quick!!!-I’m sorry, but as you see, I’ve got to tend to Rarity now. – replied Twilight pointing at the said mare, still out cold – But Spike can take you somewhere, right?-Yes, sir! I mean ma’am! – he exclaimed and ran away, pulling Rainbow Dash by her hoof-Where are we going, Spike? – she asked-Oh, I know where we’re going… - Spike replied slyly as he entered the grocery store

Chapter IV - Homicidal

Chapter IV – Homicidal

Meanwhile, Twilight began losing her confidence as nothing seemed to bring Rarity round; and she had to think of something quick, as one could almost feel the atmosphere thickening from the sheer tension between the Eds. She also began having second thoughts about the whole “Ed” affair. Finally, she came across an idea.-If this doesn’t work, I’ll just have to drag her home. – Twilight said to herself – Oh, Rarity! – she said aloud – Not that I’d like to bother you, but it seems like the Eds took advantage of your unconsciousness and are now heading toward your boutique, in unambiguous intentions to rob it of its valuables. It’s nothing important, really, but I guessed you’d like to know. – she finished and looked at Rarity with expectation It wasn’t long, before the unconscious mare began twitching. Her frightened expression looked as if she was having a nightmare. She began flailing her hooves, faster and faster, when suddenly, she woke up and jumped high in the air, shrieking loudly.-Shock therapy, crude yet effective. – Twilight said to herself, smiling broadly – Good to see you all right, Rarity. Come with me, let’s get you out of this freak show. – she said aloud Unfortunately, Rarity was a little more overreacting than Twilight expected.-Are you crazy? There’s no time! – she cried – I have to run! Despite Twilight trying to stop her, Rarity began galloping in a random direction with her eyes closed, squealing frightfully.-No, Rarity! Not there! – shouted Twilight – Not again… Rarity’s unfortunate choice of directions led her straight to Edd’s stand. And so, much to her horror, she bumped right into the unfulfilled shopkeeper.-Good evening, may I help you? – he said with a glimpse of hope Seeing Rarity get all wobbly again, Twilight decided to act.-No, you may not! – she exclaimed, pulling Rarity away from Edd’s stand-Just a minute there, Twilight! – Edd said with exasperation – While I’m aware that you strongly disapprove of my behavior, I don’t think you are authorized to deprive me of my customers. – he completed and started following her-‘Course you are, whatsyourname! Don’t listen to him! – shouted Eddy – And while you’re at it, you can bring your faint-looking friend here to my stand, can’t ya? – he said with a sly smile – I’m sure she could use a visit at…-No, she couldn’t! – Twilight replied angrily and quickened her pace, seeing Eddy start following her as well-Is that so? We’ll see about that, now won’t we? – he said, getting annoyed-I object, she seems to look languid enough. – Edd replied bitterly to Eddy as they both approached Twilight and Rarity Whether it was because of stress or frustration, they both seemed to have lost their reason completely, trying to reel Rarity into their scams, despite seeing her unstable condition; and this worried Twilight even more. She knew they wouldn’t be kind and peaceful after their solo scams fail epically, but this was beyond her imagination! Just when she thought she was home free as the boundary of the town square drew closer, a tall figure suddenly blocked her way.-Excuse me ma’am, is your name perhaps Nopony? – said the “figure”, who was none other than Ed-No, it’s not! – Twilight exclaimed impatiently – Now please let us through! Seeing Eddy and Edd get closer, she tried jumping around Ed, but he always succeeded in getting in her way.-I know! So your friend is miss Nopony! – exclaimed Ed, as though it was already a confirmed fact Twilight thought she could run between Edd and Eddy; and so she turned around, just to see they were already there. She tried to teleport her and Rarity away from there, but Ed held her down firmly.-No fancy sparkly tricks allowed, please! – he informed with a content smile-Good colt, Ed! – said Eddy – Now then, let’s find out whose customer will the mare be. – he completed menacingly-Don’t be so confident, for the path of reason shall prevail and she will elect my enterprise. – Edd replied bitterly-Rainbow Dash doesn’t know anything. – said Ed – I bet she got the name wrong. You’ll see that I’ll get my money now; sure as two plus two is… uh… I forgot! Twilight and Rarity began losing hope as the Ed circle tightened around them. To their misfortune, nopony could see them, because, due to the Eds’ previous shenanigans, everypony was much too scared to enter the square; and so there was nopony left to help them out in this sticky situation.-Please do something, Twilight, I don’t think I’m insured for this! – squeaked Rarity-I’m thinking, I’m thinking! – Twilight whispered back But before she could think of something, a small silhouette appeared on the other side of the square. Rarity was the first one to notice it.-Why look, Twilight! Is that our Spike running back there? – she said-That’s the oldest trick in the book, my dear. – Eddy replied mockingly – Now then, will you decide or do we just have to make up your mind for you, huh? – he finished impatiently The figure was indeed Spike. He was running through the square chomping popcorn from yet another bucket.-Gee, those Eds sure are good. – he thought – I’ve never seen the square so empty! At first he didn’t notice Twilight and Rarity encased in the Ed trap and ran around it looking for them.-Spike! We’re here! – Twilight shouted-Hel’oh, Waylayt! – Spike shouted in reply, with a mouthful of popcorn-Help us, quick! – Twilight continued – You have to distract…-No interferences, please! – Edd cut in angrily Twilight shrugged and motioned to the Eds.-Oh, those guys? – Spike said to himself – No sweat, they’re easy enough! Fortunately for him, none of the Eds noticed what he was saying; they were all too consumed with their own affairs. Spike swallowed the rest of the popcorn and, without haste, took apart the cardboard bucket and began cutting it with his claws into small rectangular pieces.-Now just what is he up to? – Rarity said with worry-Shush! – Ed silenced her-Quiet! – repeated Eddy-Ditto. – said Edd – Now then, I believe we gave you enough time to solidify your decision. – he continued threateningly – In which of… our… scams will you participate? Twilight and Rarity looked at each other helplessly; but suddenly, Rarity hopped in place with an expression that said “I-DE-A!”. She gulped and spoke to the Eds, as airily as she could.-Now then, as much as I’d love to take part in all of your wonderful scams… – she winked at Twilight – I’m afraid my current change will allow me for only one go; and all of them are so lovely, that I just can’t seem to make up my mind. Could you please give me some advice? – she completed with a sweet smile As the Eds started looking at each other with anger and determination, Twilight regained her cool and looked at Rarity with credit. Meanwhile, Spike, having already cut out quite a stack of paper rectangles, took out a green marker and started scribbling on them quickly.-Well, I, for one, hold on to the statement that my scam is the only reasonable one around here. – Edd began with his “advice”-That is, within a seven nanometer radius! – Eddy said tauntingly-What I’m trying to say is, that… - Edd tried to continue-What he’s trying to say may be something important, but let’s not strain our ears. – Eddy cut in mockingly Edd still tried to say something, but Eddy continued:-Who needs his lame reason, when you’ve got what I’ve got! – he carried on – I offer a stay at Ponyville’s one and only holiday resort, here at Eddy Palace!-Made of the worst grade nothing; mine is way better! – Ed cut in-Shut up monobrow, I’m trying to run some advertising here. – replied Eddy angrily-I say instead of wasting time in Eddy’s void little playground, you can just give me your money for nothing, here and now. Pretty smart, huh? – Ed continued-Don’t you interfere in my advertising! – Eddy said with frustration-If I may object, interference is exactly what you’ve done a few seconds earlier, hypocrite. – Edd replied bitterly-You two are all boring! – exclaimed Ed And so the Eds started staring at each other furiously again; not that Twilight and Rarity were listening to even a single one of their words. Their distraction was working pretty well; the Eds, afoul of their bickering, didn’t notice that Spike was already finished with his work. The cardboard rectangles were now all imitation banknotes.-Well, I hope they don’t accuse me of forgery. – Spike said to himself and shouted to the Eds – Hey, you guys! Look here! The Eds all turned their heads at Spike, who was holding two fat stacks of “banknotes” in his hands and waving them tauntingly.-Look what I’ve got for you! – he yelled, backing off slowly-Cash! – Eddy shouted with glee and started galloping toward Spike-I can’t be worse. – said Edd and followed him-Gravy! – exclaimed Ed and ran as well That was what the hostage Unicorns were both waiting for. The moment the Eds let down their guard, Twilight charged her magic and teleported them both away. Their ex-captors continued to race for Spike’s “money”. They charged forward recklessly, bumped and tripped each other, in short, did everything to make sure the money will be theirs. This and the fact Spike was backing off constantly lengthened the race quite a bit. Finally, Eddy jumped on Ed’s head, bounced off high into the air and landed straight before Spike.-I win! The cash is mine! Cough up the dough, squirt! – he started babbling frantically-No fair! I was first in another dimension! – shouted Ed-Here you go, for what I don’t know. – replied Spike and handed Eddy over his rightfully earned cardboard rectangles At first Eddy was nearly ecstatic over his newly earned funds, but that was only until he noticed the obvious – he was tricked.-What the… Cardboard??? – he exclaimed furiously-Well, technically I never said they’re money… - Spike said contently Before Eddy could give the dragon a huge piece of his mind about such cruel jokes, Spike suddenly disappeared from before their eyes in a purple flash. At first he didn’t know what was going on as well, but he soon realized that he was teleported by Twilight when he saw her and Rarity standing before him in a side alley.-Are you okay, Spike? – asked Twilight-Sure am… – he replied – And… I think I’ll be more okay once you buy me back that popcorn…-There’s no time for that. – said Twilight – Those Eds are getting more and more homicidal, and we need to do something about it quick before they destroy anything.-Why should we care? – asked Spike – Let’s just go home and watch it on TV.-Well, I must say that is kinda my fault. – Twilight said with worry – I should’ve stopped them before they could execute any of their crazy scams; but I never suspected they would go that far! I thought they would annoy everypony for a few minutes and then calm down, and meanwhile…-Don’t worry, darling. – said Rarity – You did your best; it’s them who’s unteachable. I saw quite clearly how they denied everything back at your house, and you hadn’t the authority to disallow them to make their scams, after all! Also, nopony would’ve guessed they would lose it so soon; that’s how unpredictable they are.-Wow, I sure wish I could say something that smart. – said Spike-Thanks, Rarity; you’re absolutely right. – Twilight cheered up a bit – However, we still have to think of something to do with the Eds, because they’re getting dangerous even if it’s not my fault. And so they began thinking. It was already late evening, but there were still quite a lot of ponies around the square, curious about the Eds’ shenanigans. Nopony dared to actually enter the square, though. The Eds, however, seemed not to notice that at all, knee-deep in their own business.-They got away. – Eddy said slowly – My only, final, ultimate chance blew off with the wind. And guess why?-Is that a trick question? – asked Ed-D’oh! – Eddy screamed in reply – It’s because of you two idiots! Why do you always have to undercut me?!?-If I remember correct, you were the first one eager to let down your guard for a stack of measly cardboard rectangles disguised as your beloved money. – replied Edd angrily-Shut up! You don’t know squat about finances, sockhead! – shouted Eddy – As if you didn’t follow right after!-Well, I never… - said Edd, miffed by Eddy’s complaints-Of course you never! – Eddy replied furiously – But this doesn’t change the fact that we’re stranded here, with no time, no money and no way to get it! If only you two didn’t sneak around, I’d be rolling in bits by now!-I could’ve said the same, except in a more sophisticated way. – Edd said angrily-Me too, but better! – exclaimed Ed-You know what I think? – said Eddy slowly, with growing frustration – I’m beginning to think this town ain’t big enough for the three of us.-Yeah, especially with your huge head in the way! – Ed replied mockingly-That’s it! – Eddy roared furiously He trotted through the square to Ed’s junk house.-Say, nice house you’ve got there… - he said angrily – Wouldn’t mind if I took myself a small souvenir? Before Ed could answer, Eddy kicked the wall of the house as hard as he could and quickly grabbed a small cardboard box which fell out. Much to Ed’s horror, without the box, the whole wall started crumbling; and Eddy just stood there, with a content smile.-For the love of buttered toast, stop it, you monster! – cried Ed Seeing that, everypony would probably run away, if not for the fact that Twilight Sparkle and Rarity had just finished setting up an invisible magical wall around the part of the square where Ed, Edd and Eddy were fighting.-Phew! That’s about it. – said Twilight as they were done – Now everypony is quite safe from those maniacs. Still, I don’t quite feel like watching this whole scuffle.-Me neither. – agreed Rarity – Let’s just go somewhere nice and calm down before they’re finished, shall we? Just look after them so they don’t do each other any harm, Spike.-So you’re leaving? Are you kidding? – exclaimed Spike – This is rich! Suit yourself, but I’m staying. Let me just grab some more popcorn, and… Seeing Spike get up and walk towards the store again, Twilight conjured a pacifier and stuffed it into Spike’s mouth.-Please, no more popcorn today, really. – she said-Muff mfht mnthl mmh’v. – Spike mumbled in reply As Twilight and Rarity went away, the Eds continued their argument; not that they noticed them or even their barrier at all. Once Eddy broke down a wall from the trash house, Ed, at first prostrate, quickly began getting angry.-How could you? My beautiful wall! My beautiful house! You’ll pay for it! – he shouted, approaching Eddy-Oh, I’m shaking already! Will I perhaps have to pay you for nothing? Mwahahahaha! – Eddy mocked in reply-I do concur, as what Eddy did was just return this poor garbage to its rightful original form. Didn’t you, Eddy? – said Edd-You betcha! Now then, may I take something from your scam, for keeps? What say? – Eddy replied threateningly as he walked toward Edd’s stand-You wouldn’t! – Edd suddenly lost his cool – You wouldn’t dare!-You think so? Let’s check! – laughed Eddy He was just about to start taking apart one of Edd’s devices, when suddenly a cardboard box flew from behind and smashed right into his head, tripping him over.-Do you want your souvenirs so badly? Then take them! – Ed shouted, throwing another box Anticipating that, Eddy ducked quickly and the box hit Edd.-Mwahahahaha! Smooth move, lumpy! – Eddy laughed maniacally-Is that so? – Edd said bitterly – Well then, what say if I took the initiative for a moment and took a gander at your scam for a change? – he finished, approaching the Eddy Palace-Good luck with that! I’m eager to find out just what are you planning to do. – mocked Eddy – Swing away until it’s gone? Yeah, right… He would’ve carried on, if not for the fact that Ed had just launched yet another ballistic material at him.-This. Means. War. – said Eddy as he took the box off his head At first Ed laughed at Eddy’s misfortune, but only until he saw him charging head first into his house. Anticipating the blow, Ed supported the wall from the other side; and so Eddy crashed into the house, only to make several boxes and planks from the top of the wall fall down and bury him underneath. Meanwhile, Edd inspected Eddy’s “palace”. He didn’t want to waste energy nor effort for a trial-and-error method of discovering Eddy’s scam’s weak point; he’d much rather deliver a single, piercing blow. Eddy’s scam did have one strong point – it already didn’t exist, therefore it was difficult to destroy. After a while, seeing Eddy’s head pop out of the rubble, Edd shouted:-Hello there, Eddy, I seem to have come upon a solution. For a start, what would your reaction be if I did this? He swung his hoof at the border of the plan, from the inside.-Stop it! – Eddy exclaimed frightfully – What d’ya think you’re doing! You’re scratching the wallpaper!-Perfect… - Edd said to himself with a smug expression And so he turned around and kicked into the air in another place.-Gah! – Eddy cried in horror – Now you’ve broken a valuable one-of-a-kind Canterlot china vase! Good thing I’ve got, like, twenty of those… Nevermind that! For this you’ll pay! As Edd trotted all over the “palace” kicking and smashing the air, Eddy tried to burrow his way out of the rubble to reach him. However, seeing that, Ed exclaimed:-No, you don’t, not for the buttered toast of the word. This is our fight! Having said that, Ed kicked the whole wall Eddy was behind so hard that it broke into pieces, which fell right on Eddy’s head, burying him even deeper.-Ed’s scam is at 50% health remaining! – shouted Spike in a deep voice Edd took Eddy’s imposed silence as an acquiescence for further destruction; and so he said, intentionally loud:-My oh my, demolishing this palace sure is a tiring endeavor… If only I came upon an easier way to pulverize it, perhaps even all in one go… Hearing Eddy’s muffled screams from under the rubble, Edd continued:-Oh, look! What is this that seems to reside in my pocket? An invisible stack of unreal dynamite? Heavens be praised, good thing I always carry a few of these around… As Eddy’s screams got louder and louder, Ed sat on the pile of rubble saying:-Shush! I can’t hear the boom show!-Now let’s put some of them here, some there… - Edd carried on blissfully, prancing around the palace – Now let’s connect them with some pretty illusive wires… leave the area… put on some unseen protective glasses… press the tiny little button on the invisible detonator… and… KA-WHAM!!! – he screamed as loud as he could-It’s a one-hit-KO! – Spike yelled in his announcer voice Edd bowed deeply as Ed applauded him. However, that’s when the pile of rubble started shaking. Both Ed and Edd looked at it insecurely as more and more materials started falling off, even though Ed was trying to hold them down.-Canterlot bridge is falling! – shouted Ed as the pile shook harder and harder Finally, much to the remaining Eds’ horror, the pile exploded into a burst of cardboard boxes, planks and pieces of metal, each flying in another direction. Ed was blown high into the air; Edd was lucky enough to avoid any debris. Twilight and Rarity’s barrier, however, proved its usefulness, because if not for it, collateral damage to nearby buildings couldn’t have been avoided. When the smoke from the explosion cleared, its epicenter revealed to be none other than Eddy. He wheezed with fury and roared:-WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PALACE??? Although astonished at first, Edd quickly regained his cool and said with a content smile:-Impressive as it is, however, I believe that it is I who’s got the upper hoof. Your magnificent palace is nothing more than an invisible pile of rubble; and you know what else? – he continued – Now that I take a closer gander at things around here, everything points to the conclusion that I am victorious in this match; take a look around! My scam is the only one left untouched!-So am I victoresque too? – Ed said happily – My scam is also safe and happy! The gravy empire prevails!-I beg to differ. – Edd replied, pointing at Ed’s house, or what was left of it after the nearby explosion of Eddy’s junk tomb-Uh… Ed’s scam is out at 0% health! – shouted Spike, who also just noticed it – Gee, didn’t see that one coming, really…-Nice try, but not nice! – Ed said slyly – And how do you know this isn’t the original form of my house that I wanted it to look like? And besides, you can take away my house, but you can’t take away the pony who is going to give me money for nothing!-We’re cut out. – replied Edd – Nopony can come in.-A magnificent finishing blow by Edd! – yelled Spike-Excuse me, what are you doing? – asked Daisy, who was standing next to him-Can’t you see? I’m announcing the fight! – he said with annoyance-Well, if you say so… - replied Daisy-Nopony respects us announcers anymore… - grumbled Spike Meanwhile, it seemed like Edd was indeed victorious, as his scam was indeed barely touched by the debris from the explosion. However, Ed and Eddy were still on their hooves, and they most certainly didn’t want to let go that easy.-Say, Ed, how about going there and smashing all those blasted doohickeys? – Eddy said angrily-No thanks, but I think I’ll just go there and smash all those blasted doohickeys. – replied Ed and started approaching Edd’s scam As Ed got closer and closer to Edd’s devices with that destructive look on his muzzle, Edd started losing his cool.-Uh… Ed… - he muttered – I’ve won… you can’t… what are you doing…-We’re terribly sorry if we forgot to wreck your scam earlier. – said Eddy menacingly as they both went closer and closer – Must’ve been a terrible oversight at our part.-Knock-knock! – exclaimed Ed And so Edd couldn’t do anything but stand and watch his scam get pulverized at a record-breaking speed. Slot machines, loudspeakers and toasters flew into the air as Ed and Eddy rampaged inside the thick cloud of smoke below.-Edd’s scam is down to 80% health! – shouted Spike – No, 60%! Wait, now it’s 40%! 20%! 1%! And it’s a KO at 0% health! The cloud of smoke slowly thinned out, revealing Ed and Eddy with oh-so-content expressions on their muzzles.-Very well, happy now? – Edd said angrily – Because of your foul operation, this match will have no other choice than being called a draw!-Bwahahahaha, your scam was a cinch! – laughed Eddy – Wait, what? – he said, surprised – A draw? No way! So that means our argument isn’t settled at all?-And we made our super knock-knock technique for nothing? – Ed exclaimed with worry-Precisely what I was saying. – Edd replied bitterly Looking at all that, Spike said to himself:-Phew! Glad that’s over. I’d better call Twilight and Rarity! And so he quickly ran away to inform his friends about the draw. Little did he know that the fight wasn’t over yet. The Eds, dissatisfied with the result of the match, still stared at each other furiously.-You know what I’ll say? – Eddy said angrily – Let’s finish it. If our scams are really all that bad, why not use them for that one final blow, to find out which one’s truly the best. Deal?-Deal. – Ed and Edd confirmed simultaneously With no Spike to stop the match, Ed, Edd and Eddy all pulled their scams together quickly. Ed chucked all his materials on the platform and prepared to push it. Edd grabbed the remaining devices and put them together into an improvised ram on wheels made of metal lampshades, running on a slot machine mechanism powered by leftover batteries. Eddy, having no physical impact potential, decided to jump into the crash and then wreck as much as he could. He snagged a big metal spring from Ed’s leftover building materials and stationed himself on it for some extra power from the launch. The whole crowd gasped with fear as the Eds began the countdown.-Five… Four… - they all shouted – Three… Two… ONE…

Chapter V - The good scam

Chapter V – The good scam

Before the Eds could launch their doomsday scams into each other, none other than Twilight Sparkle and Rarity appeared at the side of the square, brought back there by Spike. The moment Twilight saw the whole setup, she screamed:-Ed! Edd! Eddy! What in Celestia’s name are you doing??? The Eds all looked at her and calmed down a bit. They looked at each other and their scams, and started having second thoughts. Maybe this really was a bit too much? After a moment of silence, Eddy said slowly:-You know, maybe we’ll just call it a day. We all stink, but that’s no reason to wreck our scams so ultimately. Let’s just agree for that draw.-You can’t hear me complaining. – Edd replied with a dejected tone-I’m hungry… - Ed muttered, yawned and stretched It all would’ve ended that way, but, to everypony’s horror, while stretching, Ed unintentionally bumped the pile of rubble on his platform, making it lean over slightly and pull the whole platform with it toward Edd and Eddy.-ED!!! – screamed everypony in the square-What? – said Ed, who didn’t notice that at first Edd and Eddy looked at each other for a moment and both shouted:-I’m out of here! They managed to jump out of the way of Ed’s platform as it went faster and faster, but nopony could stop it; and so it crashed right into Edd’s ram. A deafening noise reverberated as the whole square inside the barrier’s walls momentarily filled with dense smoke. Everypony tried to see what was going on inside, but the smoke was too thick.-This is bad… - said Twilight and, along with Rarity, turned off the magical barrier The smoke slowly faded away as Twilight, Rarity and Spike ran into the crash site. The whole crowd was very worried, until Twilight shouted:-Everypony’s okay! They’re safe! And so the dust eventually lifted, revealing Ed, Edd and Eddy sitting on the pile of building materials and random machines. Fortunately, the crash didn’t send any debris outward. All three had an extremely dazzled expression.-Are you all right? – said Spike, waving his hand before their eyes with no response-Excuse me, if I may ask… - Edd muttered slowly – What was that all about?-I’m not sure… - replied Eddy – I think it was some kind of a concert…-A concert, yeah… - said Edd-And there was that buttered toast… - finished Ed-I’ll say, this was pretty unnecessary… - muttered Eddy-The buttered toast…? – said Ed-It think it’s time. – Twilight thought – Ed? Edd? Eddy? – she said aloud – There is one thing I wanted to tell you all from the very start; and I did, I told it many times, but you always failed to listen. You can see what had happened to you by now, don’t you? You admit your mistake now, don’t you? Well, then I think you know what I mean. Earlier today you could accuse me of questioning your methods, but now you see that splitting up never did you any good. I’m not doing this to point out your mistakes; I’m trying to help you. Maybe you did fail when you were together, but don’t you see that your present failure is much more extreme? Your scams are destroyed, you are sitting there, all mangled up. I never wanted this for you; and none of this would have happened if you worked as a team in the first place. Ed, you used to complain that Edd and Eddy use you at every turn. But now you see, that, while they needed your strength, it’s them who gave it shape and form. Edd, you always told that Ed and Eddy crippled your potential with their ideas; but now you realized, that they also spared you the planning and physical labor you despise so much. And Eddy, while you complained that Ed and Edd didn’t always understand your ideas, they were in fact the only thing that could bring them to life. Now that you understand it all, do you… have anything to say? – she looked at them with a hint of expectancy And so she can’t quite be blamed for her jaw dropping almost to the ground when Eddy muttered:-Say what?-Nevermind that. – Ed said happily – I’m sorry I double knock-knocked your doohickeys, Double D.-Please don’t mind that, Ed. – replied Edd – Those were just a small bunch I managed to transport here; I’ve still got a quite satisfying amount at home. And Eddy, please forgive me for detonating your palace.-‘Twas nothing, really. – said Eddy – I admit that there wasn’t really anything to wreck there, so I guess you aren’t guilty at all, especially that the plans are safe. Ed, are you mad at me for smashing your house?-Not at all, it was a piece of toast with butter to build. I can do it again, see? – Ed replied blissfully, shuffling through the pile of materials Twilight finally gave up.-Well, I guess if everypony’s happy, I’m happy too. – she said with a broad smile – But what about your concert?-Heck with the concert. – said Eddy – Their music airs on the radio, anyway.-The only thing that concerns me is that the scams we’ve made have gone to waste. – replied Edd-Or have they…? – said Twilight She walked over to Eddy’s plans, still lying on the ground, inspected Ed’s materials and looked at the remaining of Edd’s devices.-Say, Eddy, those are some nice plans you’ve got there. If somepony were to execute them, it would be a great scam. – she said-Yeah, right, but how? – Eddy wasn’t quite convinced-Look at this: Ed’s got materials; Edd’s got facilities. However, neither of them has got an idea on how to use their resources. Doesn’t this give you all an idea?-I know! – exclaimed Ed-Yes, Ed? – said Twilight-Let’s eat a buttered toast. – he answered and, seeing Twilight’s exasperated expression, added – With gravy!-Or maybe some popcorn! – Spike exclaimed happily-Yum! – replied Ed – Popcorn is good too, especially with eggplant sauce and…-Let’s delay the eating for later, okay? – laughed Twilight-Seriously, now that I think of it, we’ve made quite a good job on our parts of the scam. – said Edd – If we succeed in joining them now, maybe we’ll finally produce a scam that actually gives profit!-Exactly! – replied Twilight – Now get to it; you don’t want to keep everypony waiting long for your Ed Palace, now do you? And so, this time not the Eddy Palace nor a random junk house, but the Ed Palace began to rise on the square. The construction went really quick with Ed’s strength and all the materials at hoof. What’s more, Eddy’s plans turned out to be actually very clear and specific when he read them to Ed and Edd, the workers who understood them best. Edd changed the architectonic layout a bit, so that it was much simpler to build with Ed’s basic materials. The devices he built also filled the interior of the palace. Twilight and Rarity helped as well with their magic, and so, in a truly award-worthy speed the building was complete. Even though it was made from simple planks, boxes and sheets of metal stacked on each other, it looked really neat. Everypony looked at it with curiosity. At that hour not many ponies were usually out the streets, unless it was a special occasion – and everypony already knew THIS was one of them.-Say, that looks pretty awesome! – said Eddy with satisfaction-I concur, it is indeed impressive. – replied Edd-And I’m Ed! – exclaimed Ed-See? That’s what I told you. – Twilight Sparkle completed happily – The most important thing is teamwork.-Oh, but it looks so bare and bland… - said Rarity – I know! I shall make it truly picturesque with my ribbons and banners! – she exclaimed and trotted away-Rarity! – shouted Twilight as she got away – You really needn’t…-What? – Rarity stopped for a while – As long as I can take them back afterward, that’s really no fuss, darling.-Whatever you say… - replied Twilight Seeing Rarity run away, Eddy began thinking. After a while he yelled “I’ve got it!” and started talking quickly:-I’ve got an awesome idea! Twilight said that teamwork can achieve more. It really did, and that was just the teamwork of the three of us. Now think what we could do if we could get more ponies to help us!-We could make the Ed Palace open for contributions for a share of the profit. – Edd reacted enthusiastically-Well, it could’ve been done without the share, but let’s do it! – replied Eddy-Now that’s what I call a fast learner. – said Twilight – Good luck with that, and I’ll see if I can fetch my other friends.-Well, Rainbow Dash could come; she was here earlier after all… - said Spike – Wait a minute… - he suddenly lost his cool – I’ve forgot all about her! She’s still in that store! Can’t stay, bye! – he said and ran away And so the Ed Palace was open for business; and business did go well. Once Rarity came back with the decorations, many ponies paid to stay there, relax, chat with their friends or play the arcade machines; but even more were eager to make a contribution. As for Twilight, she was pretty lucky; Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were still outside, and when they heard about a scam by the Eds that’s actually good, curiosity got the best of them and they followed Twilight into the square. When they got there, Spike was there as well, along with Rainbow Dash.-For the last time, Rainbow Dash, they’re all too busy with the Eds’ scam to deal with you! – said Spike with annoyance – And even if they weren’t, I bet they all had already forgotten all about that case.-If you say so… - Rainbow Dash replied insecurely – Oh, hey there, girls! – she exclaimed when she noticed Twilight and the others – You’re here to see the Eds’ scam, too? I mean, a case like this comes, like, once in a century!-Yeah, and I’ll say I’m kinda glad they went and made something less… random for a change. - replied Applejack-Random is an understatement if talking about what I’ve seen! – laughed Rainbow Dash – Wait a minute… Fluttershy? – she just noticed the Pegasus standing on the side of the group – That cannon is broken, Fluttershy! It won’t fire anymore!-Well, fine, that’s what you say… - replied Fluttershy, who had a big umbrella attached to her back and a pillow tied to her head – But you wouldn’t be so confident if somepony fell on you and broke your back. And so Twilight and her friends joined the party at the Ed Palace. By then it could’ve already been called a palace with a light heart; they had so many contributions made and so many guests, that they had to enlarge the palace with an exterior area. Daisy, Lily and Roseluck contributed many nice potted flowers. Caramel brought some chairs and benches better than those they had. Vinyl Scratch took care of the music. Amethyst Star helped Edd repair some of his devices. Pinkie Pie and Applejack brought some cakes and other food to sell. A worker of Quills and Sofas even lent them two real sofas! And those are only examples. Everypony was having such a good time that they didn’t notice that the Mayor, who already got back to Ponyville, came to the town square; not that the new building surprised her that much, but she obviously had something important to say. However, nopony seemed to listen. After a few moments of trying to draw some attention, she got annoyed, walked right to the music stand and scratched the record so loud that everypony in and around the palace instantly looked at her.-Please forgive me for that, but there seemed to be no other way of drawing the attention of everypony at once right now. – she spoke – I’ve just returned from Canterlot with an important announcement, and, seeing so many of you here, I decided to tell it now. Please repeat to everypony who’s not present here at the moment, that the concert of the band 4Hooves, scheduled for tomorrow, had been called off; they broke our contract in favor of a concert in Fillydelphia. I’m terribly sorry for any trouble, the ticket money will be returned tomorrow in the town hall. She expected to see disappointment throughout the crowd, but, to her surprise, nopony seemed to bother; they all just nodded and returned to their own business. After a while of inspecting the palace, she met Twilight.-Good evening, miss Mayor! – she greeted her-Hello, Twilight. – the Mayor answered – I’ve been curious to ask somepony; what is this building? I don’t recall something like this standing in the town square at all. Did I miss that much?-Don’t worry, miss Mayor. – Twilight answered – It’s kind of a party; we’ll dismantle it tomorrow morning, okay?-Well, I guess as long as nopony seems to mind, that’s fine to me. And so the party lasted until, one after another, everypony got tired, took away their contributions and returned home. They all were all content and eager to do it again sometime. Ed, Edd and Eddy ended up having earned very little money due to sharing the profit with all the contributors, but they were never so happy about a scam like they were about this one. Once everypony except the Eds, Twilight Sparkle and Spike had already left the square, Twilight asked the Eds:-You know what? Before we go home, I’d like to ask you something. Every once in a while, my friends and I write letters to Princess Celestia about our experiences in friendship; and I thought, maybe you’d like to help me with this one. What do you think?-For Princess Celestia? Us? – Eddy muttered slowly, and then started shouting – Who-hoo! For Princess Celestia! Gentlecolts, we’re writing a letter to Princess Celestia! We’re FAMOUS!-Like walnuts? – Ed said happily-Oh dear, but I can’t do it like this, I must get prepared… - Edd babbled excitedly-Okay, okay, just don’t get carried away. – laughed Twilight – Spike, prepare for transcribing, please. When the dragon took out a quill and a parchment handed to him by Edd, Twilight started dictating the letter:“Dearest Princess Celestia Today I went through a story so long and messed up, that I’m not going to recount it, not to get you bored. What matters, is that it was an opportunity to learn yet another important lesson about friendship, as well as meet some ponies to tell you about it.” She nodded at the Eds, and Eddy started speaking:“Overconfidence ain’t a good thing, not at all. Sometimes you may think that you’re the best, and everypony around don’t know squat, same goes with the ones who try to help you; ‘cause since they’re way worse than you, what good are their efforts? If they don’t do everything exactly as you want, what use are they?” Edd carried on from there:“Once establishing the said point of view, one will rather work on one’s own, rather than asking his friends for assistance. But in reality, nopony is able to do everything at top-notch grade. Therefore, even when one complains about the low quality of his friends’ work, it doesn’t necessarily imply that one can do it all better.” The last part was dictated by Ed:“And so we must admit that nopony is perfect, even if we’re a super-pony from outer space! If our friends aren’t good enough, we mustn’t just say >>no thanks<<. Everypony’s good at something, so our friends’ help lets us do things that we can’t do alone. Teamwork is the key! And so, one drop of gravy we make with our friends is better than a tanker of gravy we make alone.” The letter was signed by Twilight:“Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle; And her faithful students, Ed, Edd and Eddy.”“P.S.Buttered toast!”Afterword from the author: Oh colt, my first My Little Pony fanfiction! Finishing it sure filled my heart with rainbows and fuzzy blankets with little fringes on them. Anyway, I hope you had as much fun reading it, as I had writing it; and it was really quite a blast for me. However, I’m sorry if you ever got bored by its unnecessary length. Oh well!