The Castle's What!?

by RB_

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 4008

Two things you do not expect to learn during a building inspection: 1) that your castle is alive, and 2) that it has attained sapience.

Right Angle, Ponyville's resident building inspector, has seen a lot of strange domiciles in his life. Twilight Sparkle's castle, however, just might be the strangest.

The castle seems to think so, too.

Inspired by a discussion with the lovely Perfectly Insane. A big thank you to ChudoJogurt, gapty, and AllThatShimmers for prereading.

Ko-Fi. Y'know. If you feel like it.

Featured on Equestria Daily!

Published 2023-03-02 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-03-02 20:10:01 UTC

The Filly in the Crystal Castle

“Princess, I have come to the conclusion that your castle is alive.”

Twilight Sparkle stared at Right Angle, her expression blank.

“And,” the stallion continued, “I believe it has developed a form of sapience.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Twilight said, after a moment. “It’s… a castle.”

Right Angle nodded. “Yes, and in my twenty years as a building inspector, I’ve never seen anything like it, but I can assure you that it is indeed the case.”

Twilight looked him up and down. The stallion didn’t seem crazy—but then again, what he was saying was completely magically and scientifically impossible. He did look slightly shaken, though he was doing a good job of hiding it beneath a layer of gruff intelligence.

“May I ask why you think my castle is alive?” Twilight said.

“Well,” he replied, “that’s a long and complicated story. Allow me to start from the beginning…”

Right Angle tilted his head back and looked up at the castle. He sighed, observing how it towered over him, its shadow blocking out the sun and leaving the air slightly colder than its surroundings.

Angle was a building inspector, which meant he made a living by meticulously measuring and cataloguing every inch of someone’s property and determining whether or not it was up to code. A noble profession, in his opinion. It kept ponies safe and homes homely.

Still, he really wished he hadn’t been assigned to this particular residence, for obvious reasons. It was going to be a long day’s work. All the more reason to get started early. And on that note:

“That’s definitely a safety hazard,” he muttered to himself, looking at the ornaments that hung low from the castle’s balconies.. “High wind could blow those things off, pegasi could get bludgeoned…”

He pulled out his notebook from the pouch on his toolbelt, the pocket next to the one that contained his personal copy of the Ponyville building codes, and scribbled down a note.

Sighing again, he slipped it back into his belt. He shook his head, then stepped up to the door and knocked.

“Coming!” came a muffled voice from inside. Then, a moment later, the door opened, and a princess appeared.

“Hello,” she said. “Can I help you?”

Right Angle nodded, a little starstruck. He’d never met an alicorn before—actually, upon further inspection, she looked a little smaller than he’d expected.

Oh well. He bowed anyway.

Twilight blushed. “You, uh… don’t have to bow. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Right,” Angle said, standing back up. “Sorry, Your Highness.”

“You don’t have to call me that either,” Twilight said. “Anyway, can I help you?”

“Yes,” he said. “My name is Right Angle, from the Ponyville Department of Community Development. I’m here to inspect your castle.”

“Inspect my castle?” Twilight repeated. “Why?”

“To make sure it complies with local ordinance,” Right Angle said. “It was never inspected when it was built, which is a violation, so I’ve been ordered to inspect it now.”

“Well, it wasn’t ‘built’ so much as ‘grown’,” Twilight said. “But I’ve lived here for years, and I’ve never heard about any of this.”

“The department recently got a new head,” Right Angle explained. “The previous one was willing to overlook it in service to the monarchy, but the new one demanded it. And so, here I am.”

“I… see,” Twilight said. “And what if it’s not up to code?”

“You’ll get a fine and be ordered to fix it as the owner or face more fines,” he replied.

“Oh.”

“Speaking of which,” he said, “Does the building have any aviation lights?”

“Aviation lights…?”

“Well, your castle is over two-hundred feet tall,” Angle said. “By Equestrian law, any structure over that height must be equipped with aviation lights to aid pegasi in avoiding it while flying at night.”

“Um… no,” Twilight said, looking pained. “I don’t think we have any of those.”

“I see.” Angle scratched down a note in his notebook.

“But of course, I can get some put in right away!” Twilight said, with a forced grin.

“Good,” Angle said. “Now, may I come in? I’d like to get started right away.”

“Of course,” she said, stepping aside. He entered.

Angle swept his eyes over the room. It was high-ceilinged, with a table and several thrones in the middle of the floor. His eyes moved upwards, taking note of the large hanging decoration.

Need to check if that’s securely fastened, he thought, once again pulling out his notebook and jotting something down. I’ll do that on my way out. Might need a ladder.

Twilight pushed the door closed behind him. He glanced back at her. She was leaning over to try and see what he was writing, though she quickly looked away once she noticed he was looking. With a snap, Angle closed his notebook.

“Well then, Your Highness,” he said, matter-of-factly. “I’ll go ahead and get started.”

“I’ll come with you,” Twilight said, her wings twitching.

“That won’t be necessary,” Angle said. I don’t want you hovering over me—figuratively or literally. “I’ll find you once I’m done.”

“Oh,” Twilight said. “Okay then. Well, um, go ahead.”

“Thank you.”

With boundaries drawn, he set off towards the stairs past the thrones.

“Okay, well, that’s great,” Twilight said. “But, you know, I was there for most of that.”

“Patience, please, Your Highness” Angle said, holding up a hoof.

“I told you not to call me that.”

“Forgive me. I’m still trying to process the day’s events.”

Twilight frowned. This guy was clearly off his rocker. She’d have to have a word with Mayor Mare about this.

“Regardless,” he said, “I ventured deeper into the building.”

No railings on these stairs, Angle thought to himself. That’s a violation. Into the notebook it went.

When Angle reached the top, he was greeted by a wall. He looked left; a long hallway stretched into the distance, doorways on either side like guards on duty. He looked right; ditto.

He fought back a groan and marched onwards. His was a noble task, but even noble tasks can be frustratingly long.

Angle paced down the hallway, his hooves clacking against the crystalline floor with each step. He poked his head into each room as he did so. Here, an empty bedroom. There, a bathroom (he quickly checked the plumbing, but it was fine, if a bit serpentine). Over there, a library. Actually, there were a lot of libraries.

This continued on for some time, and eventually he reached the end of the hallway. Time to do the other side. He turned around, and—

He blinked. He was back at the stairs again.

Angle stared at them, brow knit, mouth slightly open. He turned around again. The hallway he had just reached the end of stretched out into the distance. He turned back around. The hallway in front of him also went on for miles.

Angle shook his head. He must have gotten confused. Somehow. Regardless, he had a job to do, and he wanted it to be done before the evening, so perhaps it was a good thing.

Somehow, it didn’t feel like a good thing—

“Twilight! I finished researching the spell you asked me to look into!”

The voice came from outside the room, startling Twilight. Its source came around the corner a moment later.

“Oh, hello!” Starlight said, coming to a halt. “Who’s this?”

“Building inspector,” Twilight said.

“Right Angle,” Angle added.

“Building inspector?” Starlight said. “Is the castle under inspection?”

“It was,” Right Angle said. “But I got somewhat sidetracked.”

“He says the castle is alive,” Twilight said, gruffly.

Starlight blinked. “What, you mean this castle?”

Twilight nodded.

“Huh,” Starlight said. She tapped her chin. “That would make a lot of things make sense.”

Twilight groaned. “Not you too!”

“Well, sometimes I get lost when I’m not paying attention,” Starlight said. “The castle’s really big, but I always seem to end up where I’m trying to go.”

“I…” Twilight paused. “Okay, that’s happened to me a couple of times, too. But that could just be a coincidence, or some simple enchantment!”

“I don’t know if I’d call it a ‘simple’ enchantment,” Starlight said.

“You know what I mean. But that doesn’t mean the castle is alive!””

“What about the Tree of Harmony?” Starlight asked. “It’s alive.”

“That’s completely different.” Twilight said. “The Tree is a tree, grown from a magical seed planted by the Pillars of Equestria! We’re talking about a castle, here.”

“A castle that spawned from a magic box spawned from the Tree.”

Twilight raised a hoof. “I…”

After a moment, she lowered it. “Okay, point taken. But I’ve lived here for years. I think I would have noticed if it was alive or not.”

“If you’ll allow me to continue,” Right Angle said, “I think you may find what happens next to be somewhat illuminating.”

After some time, inspecting each room as he went along, Angle found himself in yet another library.

“They should really put those ladders on runners,” he mumbled to himself. “It’s not a violation, but it is a safety hazard.”

His eyes caught one feature of the room that all the other libraries lacked, however, and that was a doorway to the outside. A balcony, he assumed. He headed for it.

As he stepped out onto the balcony, the wind whipped at his mane. It was a lot breezier up here than it was on the ground, given the altitude. He glanced around, but there was nothing on the balcony save for a railing.

Looks a little small, he thought, so he retrieved a tape measure from his belt. It made a shwip sound as he extended it. He floated it over to the balcony.

“38 inches?” he muttered to himself. “That’s within regulations. I could have sworn…”

Actually, now that he took a better look at it, it did look taller than it had initially.

He shook his head. Must have just not looked closely enough.

Reaching out with a hoof, he gently pushed on the railing. A metallic shriek cut through the sound of the wind as it moved a few inches out under his touch.

Angle’s eyebrows shot up. He quickly retracted his hoof, and the railing returned to its previous position. He looked for the mounts the railing was attached to, and found them on either side of the door. On the right side, the large iron nails that held the thing in place had come loose, protruding from the surface of the wall by about two inches.

“That’s a violation,” he said with disgust. “ The railing needs to be supported in multiple places, and those nails clearly aren’t adequate for the job if they’re coming loose like that. That’s dangerous. That could kill someone.”

He opened his notebook and angrily scribbled down a note.

“Okay, fair,” Twilight said. “I always did think that was a little dangerous.”

“A little?” Angle said, raising an eyebrow. “If you thought it was dangerous, you should have done something about it.”

Twilight flinched. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll get that fixed.”

“Well, you don’t actually need to,” Angle said. “It’s already been done.”

Twilight looked at him in confusion. “Huh?”

As Angle wrote, he began to hear a new sound, a sort of screeching sound, mixed with a sound like breaking glass. He looked up, just in time to see the nail retracting back into the wall. He stared blankly as the nail’s head became flush with the crystal, then watched in confusion as the crystal began to grow around it, consuming the nail and the end of the balcony attached to it.

He blinked. Then, there were more sounds, and he turned. The bottom of the railing was now covered in crystal as well, anchoring it in place.

He watched until it stopped, then, hesitantly, he reached out and pushed on the railing.

Solid as a rock.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Twilight said. “The railing can’t just fix itself.”

“And yet,” Angle said, “it did.”

“You’re pulling my leg.”

“I invite you to go and see for yourself,” he replied, making a sweeping gesture with his hoof.

“You know what? I think I will,” Twilight said. She trotted out of the room, and Angle and Starlight followed her into the hallway.

“So this whole ‘being alive’ thing,” Starlight said to Angle as they followed Twilight down the corridor.

“Yes?”

“What makes you so sure?”

“The castle spoke to me.”

Twilight ground to a halt. “It spoke to you!?”

“Yes.”

She whipped her head around. “You are aware that this is a castle we’re talking about?”

“I understand that,” Right Angle said. “And believe me, before today I would never have dreamed it was possible.”

“I think you need to keep talking while we walk,” Starlight said.

“Very well then,” he said.

Right Angle, now feeling very worried about the state of his mental health, continued through the corridors of the castle. He was trying very hard to leave the memory of what had happened with the railing back on the balcony, and wasn’t quite succeeding. The repetitive action of checking each room he passed was helping a little, though.

Eventually, he reached the end of the hallway, at which point the corridor turned to the right. Angle followed it, not thinking much of it at first, but then stopped after a few steps.

The hallway stretched on ahead of him.

Too far ahead of him.

The castle itself was shaped roughly like a rectangle; it was wider than it was deep. This hallway, though, was clearly as long, if not longer, than the one he’d just walked through.

He stared ahead for a few moments. Two sides formed in his mind: one that said he needed to get out of there immediately, and the other that said he was a professional who needed to finish his work. They went to war with one another. It was a bloody battle, but eventually the professional side won, and so he continued onward down the impossible hallway.

He was moving a lot quicker, now, however.

“Now hang on,” Twilight said. “That’s just impossible. There is no hallway that comes off the end of the first floor corridor.”

“But there was,” Right Angle said.

Twilight simply frowned and continued walking.

This pony is crazy, she thought. Absolutely insane. Either that or this is some elaborate prank. I swear, if I find out Pinkie is behind this I’ll—

“I mean, it’s not impossible impossible,” Starlight said. “With the right combination of spells, you could—”

“Not helping, Starlight,” Twilight said through gritted teeth.

“Oh,” Starlight said. “Sorry.”

Right Angle continued down the hallway. He didn’t like that he was continuing down the hallway, but he’d already decided he was going to, and he was a stubborn pony like that.

Eventually, after what felt like forever, he reached the end of the hallway… which now turned left.

“Okay,” he said aloud. “This is too much.”

He turned around. “I’m going back the way… I…”

The hallway he’d come from had been replaced by a solid wall.

He reached out with a hoof and laid it upon the wall’s surface. It was solid crystal, cold to the touch. A small table with a decorative vase stood in the middle, as if mocking him.

Angle’s heart began to race. He needed to get out of this place—and fast. He turned and began to run. Doors on either side of him flashed by as he broke into a gallop.

He glanced behind him. Every time he did, the wall would appear behind him, forcing him to keep going. He’d leave it in the dust one moment, and then the next time he looked it was back on his heels.

Quickly, he tried one of the doors to his side. No luck; it was locked. He tried the next door. It was the same. He went back to running.

It occurred to him he was being shepherded somewhere. He could only dread where he was being directed.

Eventually, he spotted the end of the hallway: a large gilded door, set into the crystal. It was his only choice; he had to hope it was unlocked, otherwise he’d be trapped in the castle forever.

He slammed into it and it burst open. Unfortunately, he had misjudged his speed and went tumbling to the floor, skidding to a stop across the smooth crystal on his side. He clenched his eyes shut and waited a moment.

Something touched his coat; he winced.

“Hey, are you okay?”

The voice was young, and female. A filly?

Angle opened his eyes. Sure enough, there was a filly standing over him, prodding his side with a hoof. She had a purple coat and a light blue mane. A horn jutted from her head. She looked to be about ten to twelve years old.

“Oh!” Starlight said, interrupting. “Her!”

“You’ve seen her before?” Angle asked.

“Yeah, a few times.”

“Why did you never tell me that!?” Twilight asked. “I would have liked to have known there was a random filly living in my castle!”

Starlight shrugged. “It never seemed important. I just figured the castle was haunted or something.”

Twilight looked at her in a mix of confusion and despair. “On what planet would that not be important!?”

Starlight shrugged again.

“You never thought to ask her who she was, or where her parents were, or how she got in here?”

“Well, I mean, that last one’s kinda obvious,” Starlight said. “The castle’s front door doesn’t even have a lock on it.”

“I—okay, noted, but still!”

“I did ask her that stuff,” Starlight said. “But every time I did she’d just giggle and run off, then disappear as soon as she turned a corner. Hence the whole ‘haunted’ thing. But she’s just a filly; what harm could she really do?”

“Cozy Glow was a filly, too!”

“Point taken.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about this one,” Angle said. “Because…”

“Sorry for startling you,” she said. “I just couldn’t let you leave without having a chat.”

Slowly, Angle got to his hooves. “Who are you?” he asked, keeping his eyes locked on hers. “What’s your name?”

“I don’t have a name yet. Twilight hasn’t given me one.”

“Twilight hasn’t—are you Princess Twilight’s daughter?”

“What? No,” the filly said. “I’m her castle.”

“What!?”

“You’re… her castle?” Angle said, struggling to make sense of it.

The filly nodded.

“How can you be a castle,” he said, dumbstruck at the words leaving his mouth. “You’re a filly.”

“I’m the embodiment of the castle,” the filly said. “I’m the castle and the castle is me.”

“But—”

“All buildings that are loved and lived in have a certain amount of life to them,” the filly said. “I just happen to have more than usual on account of being magically spawned from the Tree of Harmony.”

“…Huh,” Angle said. Honestly, he was so shaken up by the day’s events, he actually almost believed her.

“Actually, all of—”

Her eyes turned pure white and her body went stiff.

“ALL SHALL PARTAKE IN ORDER AND HARMONY LEST THE GREAT CATACLYSM ONCE MORE DESCEND FROM THE HEAVENS AND SMITE THE LIVING.”

Angle took a step away from her, but her eyes returned to normal just a moment later.

“Sorry about that,” the filly said, looking a bit sheepish. “It’s the connection to Harmony, it does that sometimes.”

“I… see,” he replied.

“Anyway,” she said, ”all the castles in Equestria are alive. There’s my aunt Canter, my uncle Crystal, and granny Everfree. We meet up every once in a while for tea. They’re, uh, kind of my only friends. Not that I’m lonely! I have Starlight, and Spike, and… Well there’s Twilight, but…”

She kicked at the floor, her cheeks turning a pale pink. “It’s actually kinda hard for me to talk to Twilight. I mean, she’s my owner! I don’t want to mess up and make a bad first impression!”

Angle just stared at her.

“Anyway,” she said, turning her head. “That’s not why I brought you here.”

“Why did you, then?” he asked.

“Because I’m worried about not being up to code,” she said, pouting. “I thought I wasn’t going to pass the inspection after that thing with the balcony. So I want to be better! But I don’t know how.”

“Well, that’s… very noble of you,” he said.

“So, anyway,” she said. “Can you teach me?”

“I don’t think I have the time to teach you everything…” He thought for a moment. “Well, actually..”

Angle glanced around the room. Piles of children’s books met with piles of non-children’s books in equal order.

“I’m guessing you can read, right?” he asked.

The filly nodded. “Uh-huh.”

Angle turned his attention to his belt. He retrieved his notebook—and the copy of the Ponyville building code in the pouch next to it.

“Here,” he said, giving them to the filly. “This one is my notes on what I saw today, and this one is a book of regulations you should follow.”

“Ooh,” she said. “That’s perfect! Thank you mister!”

Angle gave her a strained smile. “You’re very welcome. Now, um… how do I get out of here?”

“Oh, the filly said. “You can just go out the way you came, it’ll lead right back to the main hallway.”

“Ah,” he said. “Well, um… goodbye?”

“ORDER MUST BE MAINTAINED HARMONY MUST BE MAINTAINED THE CATACLYSM MUST BE STOPPED—ahem.” The filly waved a hoof. “Bye-bye!”

Angle turned and, hesitantly, walked out the door. The hallway stretched out in front of him—the normal hallway, this time.

He heard the door shut behind him. When he turned around, however, all that was there was a blank wall.

“So the filly is the living embodiment of the castle,” Starlight mused. “Huh. Didn’t see that coming.”

“Neither did I,” Angle said. “But I assure you that it all happened just as I said.”

Twilight groaned. “Don’t tell me you actually believe any of this, Starlight?”

“I don’t see any reason not to believe it,” Starlight said. “He doesn’t seem like he’s lying.”

“Well maybe he’s just crazy,” Twilight hissed. “Or this is someone’s idea of a bad joke. Maybe you’re both in on it!”

“Well, we’ll see once we get to the balcony, right?” Starlight said.

“I guess we will,” Twilight replied. “We’re here.”

Indeed, they were just outside the library with the large balcony. Twilight stomped inside, Angle and Starlight following behind.

“And now,” Twilight said, heading directly to the balcony, “we will see that this stallion’s story is completely and utterly—”

She stopped. Stared.

The bottom of the balcony was covered in crystal, which neatly supported the railing. She looked to the side. The nail was flush with the wall, and crystal had grown over its end. It was clearly the same crystal that made up the rest of the structure—not something anyone could replicate—not easily at least. The railing also looked slightly taller than she remembered.

Reaching out, she pushed on it.

It did not give.

“So, Twilight,” Starlight said, smug. “What was that about us being in on it?”

“I—you—he…”

Twilight fell to her haunches.

“Well,” Angle said, “I believe my work is done, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be taking my leave now. I don’t know how I’m going to report this to my superiors, but that’s a problem for tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Twilight said, in a quiet voice. “Okay.”

“Here,” Starlight said, “I’ll walk you out. Wouldn’t want you getting lost in impossible hallways again.”

“If you would, that would be much appreciated,” he replied.

“Of course!”

The two of them turned and headed back the way they’d come, leaving only Twilight, still on her haunches, still trying to process what she’d just learned.

Eventually, she stood up and slowly walked back into the library. Twilight glanced around. Swallowed.

“Um… hello?”

No one answered.

Off in the distance, a filly giggled.