The vest Fluttershy wore read ANIMAL CONSULTANT. As much as she appreciated Rarity's gift, she wished it was phrased differently: Fluttershy wanted the humans to recognize she was a consultant about animals, and not so much a consultant who was an animal.
She would, of course, never say something so rude to Rarity, so Fluttershy simply wore the vest.
"Here we are," said Merle, the alpaca farmer who had hired her for the afternoon, as he opened the gate to his animals' corral.
Fluttershy stepped through and looked around. The alpacas milled nervously around the far side of the corral, unsure what to think of her. She wasn't sure why they were nervous; she was about the size of the smallest of the female alpacas, and clearly no threat.
"For starters," Fluttershy said, "those spinning ventilators on the barn roof are distracting. You might replace them with something else, to avoid disturbing the animals."
Merle rubbed his thick red-gray beard and then tapped notes onto an iPad.
"The freeway noise, too," Fluttershy said. "Plant some trees along the west side of the corral to reduce the noise from the freeway. Evergreens, so they don't shed their leaves."
More iPad notes.
"You have a mole problem," Fluttershy continued. "You need to encourage the moles to move somewhere else before an alpaca steps in a hole and breaks a leg."
"Moles?" Merle said. "Consarnit!"
Fluttershy walked to the middle of the corral and pressed her hoof against a soft spot on the ground. A few seconds later a spongy nose and squinty eyes popped out from the grass.
"Hello, Mr. Mole," Fluttershy said.
"Hell!" Merle gasped. "My cousin's an exterminator—"
"Please don't," Fluttershy said, looking up to glare at the human. "I can handle this humanely."
"Uh?"
She looked back at the mole and laid down to bring herself nose to nose with it. "Mr. Mole, could I convince you to move outside of the corral?"
The mole squeaked and hissed.
"I understand your position, but if one of these alpacas were to step in one of your holes and break its ankle, that would be such a tragedy. I would consider it a personal favor."
With another squeak and hiss, the mole disappeared.
"See how easy that was? And without the need for poison or traps?"
"Well," Merle said, taking off his trucker cap and rubbing his head, "thank ya muchly, Miss Shy."
"It's my pleasure."
Fluttershy flexed her legs to stand back up just as one of the alpacas jumped on her from behind.
"Yipe!" Fluttershy tried to surge to her hooves, but the two-hundred-pound alpaca was twice her weight.
"Oh!" Merle said. "Roderick likes you! Rod here is the main reason I hired you to consult."
"Could-could-could you get him off me?" Fluttershy said. "His p-penis is touching my-my-my—"
"Rod here is my most valuable stud," Merle continued, "because I get over twelve pounds of wool from him, and it's extra-soft."
The alpaca pressed his weight down on Fluttershy. "Y-yes, he's very soft, yes?"
"But he ain't interested in none of my hembras, so I ain't been able to breed him."
"That would be a problem," Fluttershy said. "But do please get him off me—OH!"
Rod's rod poked deep into Fluttershy's tight snatch.
"Ha, he likes you." Merle moved to get an angle at where Rod was penetrating Fluttershy and shot a picture with his iPad.
Fluttershy blushed and covered her mouth with her forehooves as Rod began alpacking her.
"Tell ya what," Merle said. "Iff'n ya don't mind, can you harvest him, and then we collect his spunk to inseminate the hembras I've been a-tryin' to breed him with?"
"I-I-I-I suppose that I could, if it's really necessary..."
"Thank ya' kindly." Merle scratched Rod's ears as Rod shifted his weight, pressing down on Fluttershy's shoulder blades and mashing her forequarters into the soft grass.
Merle then scratched Fluttershy's ears as Rod rutted her.
"Is it true," Fluttershy gasped, "that during mating, male alpacas put their penis clean past the female's cervix and into her fallopian tubes?"
But before Merle could answer, Rod's rod demonstrated to Fluttershy that this was, indeed, the case.
"Whoo-eeee," Apple Bloom said, several years later, "Canterlot University should be givin' me more than one credit hour for this internship."
Apple Bloom inserted the turkey baster into Fluttershy's juicy snatch and extracted a huge dollop of cum, then transferred it to the glass test tube, capped the tube, and affixed the red (meaning CRITICALLY ENDANGERED) barcode sticker that read Javan Leopard, "Mittens Jr.", and dropped it into the liquid nitrogen.
"I can feel a bit more," Fluttershy said, her buttcheeks clenching and some of the valuable spooge dripping from her. Apple Bloom re-inserted the baster but accidentally squeezed too late, and got some of the critically endangered spooge in her eye.
"Yech, this should be at least three credit hours."
"Got it all?" Fluttershy asked.
"Yeah." Apple Bloom put the shipping sticker onto the liquid nitrogen dewar. The address was NATIONAL ZOO, WASHINGTON DC, and the return address FLUTTERSHY'S SPECIES SURVIVAL SPECIALISTS LLC., C/O SAN DIEGO ZOO.
Fluttershy turned around. "Thank you, Apple Bloom."
"Can Ah take the next one?" Apple Bloom asked.
Fluttershy frowned. "I promised Applejack that if I gave you this internship, I would protect your virginity."
Apple Bloom dissolved into laughter, falling over and curling up on her side on the floor. "AJ thinks-thinks-thinks that I'm- hahahahaha!"
Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you would want to... actively harvest?"
Apple Bloom took a moment for her laughter to subside, wiped a tear from her eye, and then stood, swinging her tail and sashaying her butt. "With Tender Taps bein' in Equestria for the summer while Ah'm here, I'm bluer than that endangered Spix's macaw. I'll put on an alpaca wool sweater and go find an alpaca farm if ya don't help me."
"We'll start you with something small," Fluttershy said. "The Red Panda Species Survival Plan wants us to send Columbus Zoo some material from Chuck."
Apple Bloom nodded. "Red panda don't seem too bad. And Chuck's the littlest one, ain't he?"
"Yes. Hmmmm," Fluttershy said, and limped to the stack of packages FedEx had delivered earlier that day. She found a large box and tore it open.
"I bought this to protect my wings," she said, "but you're almost my same size, Apple Bloom."
Inside the brown shipping box was a smaller box that showed a police K-9 in a black SWAT-style ballistic vest.
Apple Bloom flicked her ears. The average Equestrian was about the same size as an earth German Shepherd, so ponies often bought accessories from pet supply shops. This was the first time she'd seen somepony buy K-9 gear, however.
Apple Bloom said, "W-what's that for?"
Fluttershy fitted the ballistic armor over Apple Bloom's torso and cinched tight the adjustment straps. She removed the velcro patch that read POLICE K-9 and found an envelope in the pile of deliveries, tore it open, and put a new patch onto Apple Bloom's back.
Looking into the mirror, Apple Bloom read sourly, "'Erotic support animal'."
"Mmmm-hmm!" Fluttershy said with a smile. "Almost ready."
"Almost?" Apple Bloom said. "What's this vest for?"
"Have you seen red panda claws?" Fluttershy asked, and found another package that contained boron carbide composite ballistic trauma plates, which she began inserting into the ballistic vest's external pockets. "Without the armor, you'll look like Rainbow Dash did after she insulted the yak hoofball team at the last Equestria Games."
"Ah... have not seen a red panda's claws," Apple Bloom said nervously, shrugging her shoulders. "Ya know, I'm a mite smaller than you, still. Got a little growin' to do yet, ya know? This vest'll fit you better. You harvest Chuck, I'll get the next one. One that don't got claws."
Fluttershy moved the armored vest from Apple Bloom to herself and cinched it tight. "The next one," Fluttershy said. "Promise?"
"Cross mah heart, cupcake in my eye, et cet'ra." Apple Bloom nodded. "Promise."
The phone rang. Fluttershy answered it. "Yes?"
Fluttershy listened for a minute, then smiled at Apple Bloom.
"I was about to deal with Chuck," Fluttershy said into the phone, "But I think that'll be a great job for my intern. Yes, she'll be along in five minutes to harvest him. Bye-bye."
She hung up the phone.
"All right," Apple Bloom said, putting what she hoped was a look of determination on her face. "What've ya got for me?"
"Have you been doing the Tree Hugger yoga I sent you on YouTube?"
"Ummm..." Apple Bloom said.
"Oh. Oh dear. And your cotlfriend is in Equestria," Fluttershy said with a frown, "so you haven't had any... stretching exercises lately?"
"No..." Apple Bloom said cautiously.
Fluttershy scowled and opened her safe, standing so that her body blocked Apple Bloom from seeing the combination. From the safe, she passed Apple Bloom a bottle of ponecodone. "Take one of those prophylactically."
"What-what did they say on the phone?"
"The species survival plan says they need to send to the Tuscaloosa zoo some material from Jumbo."
Apple Bloom felt dizzy. "Jumbo... the elephant?"
Author's Note
I don't *suffer* from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
