Everyone Wants A Piece of Pie

by KingdaKa

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Mayor Mare, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6
Length: 14142

Pinkie Pie suddenly finds herself wanted by everyone she knows. How's a girl supposed to choose just one?

She's sweet, she's kind, she's lovely and so fine; she's Pinkie Pie, and what a gem to have gone unnoticed for so long.

A competent baker and a caring friend is all that Pinkie has ever tried to be. Joy comes from giving joy to others, by giving happiness to so many until one can hardly stand, they're so tired. Pinkie had always wanted to make the world happier- to feel, if not be, better because of her actions.

That's all she's ever had to be, and all people have ever asked of her. But now, all of a sudden, people are beginning to act a bit strange about her today. And her friends seem intent on... more than just that.

Published 2023-08-04 23:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-04 23:20:00 UTC

No Rational Behavior To Be Found

It was perfect weather for making cupcakes. Of course, it didn’t need to be warm and sunny outside for anyone to start baking; it just seemed to be more fitting. Hot weather was best suited for days at the lake, rain meant splashing in puddles- or staying inside and playing games, too. Snow was for forts and snowmen and snowball fights! But weather like this? Perfect for the creation of cupcakes.

And probably a whole lot of other things, too.

Pinkie Pie threw open the window to her penthouse room and let the cool breeze bring the scent of spring across her face, the pleasantness of it so strong that the frizz-haired girl could only close her eyes and let every other sense drink it all in. She could feel the warmth of the sunshine as it cascaded from the tapestry of blue above, smell the flowers that so many of her neighbors had carefully tended; sweet aroma of the natural world that fit perfectly with the sugary delights coming to life in the bakery down below. Today was beautiful! Ooh, how she could hardly wait to enjoy it all. Pinkie had plans for the day and she was eager to see them begin.

“What do you think, Gummy? Should I go out for a walk first?” Pinkie inquired. Turning to the sight of her lidless, vacantly gazing pet for help with her quandaries had always been a means to see her mind properly unraveled; sure, he didn’t say much, but Gummy had a way of sorting out her thoughts. “Ooh, maybe I should go down to the café and have some breakfast! Or maybe I should just get started on baking already and eat while everything’s in the oven. After all, if I do that, everyone can have a cupcake with their lunch- and then another for a snack! That way, they get to have even more cupcakes today!” The thought invigorated her form and set the sweet woman to giggling in delight, bouncing from her place at the window towards her dresser where the day’s adornment awaited her. Emotional reaction was enough for her to realize which means to the end her mind preferred; the day’s work called her name!

Colors of pearl grey went about her petite figure, the constant freneticism of energy working marvels at keeping the sugar addict trim- but was that all she needed? Perhaps a light cardigan across the knee-length dress to add a splash of lively color to her attire. It seemed enough for Pinkie at first, but the sudden dollop of light into her wardrobe was difficult to resist; small earrings of golden color, and a bow in her hair! The sight of herself in the mirror ensured a smile rose across her face and the lively confectionery glowed: not a supermodel by any means, but she felt pretty! And certainly that was all that mattered.

“You have fun today, Gummy! I shouldn’t be gone for super long, and then we’ll be able to go down to the pond and play!” Expressionless the reptile remained, though she knew full well he was looking forward to their aquatic adventure. Who couldn’t see that smile just below that surface?

“Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” The cheerful cry practically leapt off her tongue as the lively baker bounded into the bakery below, finding her friends and landlords already hard at work amidst the heat and dust that their sugary palace consistently possessed. “It’s a lovely morning today! Have you been outside yet?”

The plump, sweet face of Cup Cake broke into its usual smile at the sight of their business partner and dearest companion, not surprised when she heard the sound of her twin children crying out for the affection of their favorite babysitter. “Good morning, Pinkie!” Cup Cake called. “There’s a few muffins on the kitchen table if you’d like anything to eat! Carrot made some double-chocolate soon as he got up, they should still be warm!”

“Ooh!” the invitation was promptly answered as Pinkie darted to-and-fro across the kitchen, pausing in between bites of delectable sweets to entertain the infant children who begged for her attentions. Making faces that would see them to laughter was easy when you ate messily, too! “These are really good, thank you so much!” Pinkie mumbled through a full mouth.

“You’re very welcome. By the way,” Cup Cake added, “Your baking things are on the counter next to the entrance. You were wanting to bring some cupcakes around town today, right?”

“Yeah, I was. It’s actually why I’m up a little early today,” the young woman admitted. “Is there any buttermilk left in the fridge?”

“I think so. What’s the buttermilk for?”

“I want to try a new red velvet recipe today. I liked the last batch, but they were too dry!”

“Hmm…” The masterclass baker considered her youthful friend’s dilemma for a moment. “Try adding a little oil- just a little-! and see if that doesn’t help keep them moist.”

“But wouldn’t that ruin the flavor?” Pinkie inquired.

“That’s why you only use the smallest amount. Just enough to keep them from being dry, and then you let the buttermilk do the rest,” Cup Cake assured her.

Pinkie liked to believe she was an excellent baker, a true maestro with an oven; she’d won more than a few baking competitions, after all. But when it came to premiere excellence that could not be rivaled, she knew that the Cakes were the best anyone could hope to know- and that their guidance in the realms of confections would never steer anyone wrong. “OK, then. Thanks, Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie cried, downing the last of her muffin so that she could give Pumpkin Cake one last silly face before turning to her own collection of baking materials. “Oh, yeah, which oven are you us-”

“Three and four right now, dear!” Cup Cake called. “Please use number one, I’m going to have to throw in Cheerilee’s class cake soon.”

The early morning was always the bakery’s busiest time of day, not stopping until well after the sun was past its zenith and the worst of the world’s sugar rush had ended. Pinkie did her best to not be in the way of such things with her own personal efforts, or to lend her helping hands as much as she could. However, on occasion, the call of the culinary would fall upon her and the frizzy beauty would be in the midst of Sugarcube Corner’s chaos, tossing dough and frosting and whatever else mess could be made just as wildly as the Cakes- and all of it to the delight of the infant children that enjoyed the show.

“Ooh my…” Cup Cake turned from her own work to marvel at the steaming feast of sugary deliciousness within Pinkie’s grasp as the tray of deep-red cookies came forth from the depths of the oven. The scent of that sweet excellence, the buttery, creamy delicacy that begged to be eaten while it was still piping hot- how difficult it had to be to ignore! She’d seen her more youthful companion devour entire trays in a heartbeat, only a moment from the fire- only when she intended the delicacies for another could she seemingly withstand the temptation. But everyone else, oh how they suffered-! “Those smell delicious, Pinkie!”

The frizzy girl gave a smile. “Thanks, Mrs. Cake! I know it’s because of the help you gave me or else they wouldn’t have been so nice. They even look perfect this time, too!” Indeed the cupcakes did, the glisten of their outer layer appealing to the eye. These confections begged to be eaten.

“Were you planning on delivering those to anyone particular?”

“No, just my friends- and whoever felt like they needed one, too, I guess,” Pinkie answered. “I think I made plenty to go around, so maybe I’ll find someone who needs a little pick-me-up. Right?”

“I’ve no doubt you will.” The words may have come across as something motherly, but Cup Cake was sincere; Pinkie had a natural tendency to run into those who needed affection and see their spirits lifted. Whomever she was going to encounter today, they would require the baking touch that only Pinkie Pie could provide. “Will you still be able to watch the shop this afternoon? I know it’s been a constant thing lately…”

“Oh, no worries, Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie replied, cutting through the beginnings of worry before the mother could begin. Though she still focused on seeing her culinary feast brought from tray to Tupperware, her attention span lacked nothing. “You need a little time to be with your kids, I get that! You’re just trying to be a good mama.”

As always, she had something kind to say. “Thank you much, Pinkie.”

“No problem. Well, I’m off for a bit! You and Mr. Cake have a good morning, OK?” With container in hand, the joyful baker strode from her place in the kitchen and out through the bakery’s rear entrance to where her friends might await. She had many a stop to make, and a whole lot of morning in which to make use of it. No doubt she would find plenty of people who would be in need of her kindness before day’s end.

Cup Cake gave a wistful sigh, a proud and admiring smile upon her thin lips. Pinkie was such a good friend- to her and to others. Was she daughter, in a strange sense? Sibling? Putting the young woman into a specific category was a difficulty and perhaps limiting; Pinkie was meant to do good however she could.

The creak of the bakery entrance came to her ears and Cup Cake turned about to see her husband walking in with the morning mail in hand- and a disquieted expression upon her face. He’d been gone quite a while, surely it hadn’t all been time spent upon mail and cleanup? “Where have you been?” She asked.

“Is Pinkie gone?” Carrot Cake asked in a hushed voice, eyes wheeling about in fear he might catch sight of another.

“She just left. Is… there something you wanted to say when she’s not here?”

“We probably shouldn’t let her see this,” Carrot Cake said tersely, and before his wife did he toss a thick magazine bearing the title The Equestrian: upon its cover was the sight of a familiar baking girl, all lovely and sweet in her smile and appearance as she sorted through an assortment of baking trays to see their materials handed towards eager customers. Whether or not she knew it, Pinkie Pie was upon a magazine cover.

“Where on earth did they get that from?” Cup Cake marveled, taking the magazine in hand and giving a swift examination of the cover’s contents. “Surely she didn’t- oh my, that’s their subject about her? Surely she didn’t agree to this…”

“I took a look to make sure. She didn’t.” Carrot Cake was high-strung, nervous as he watched his wife take in the article within. Pinkie was not the type to talk about such material, and particularly when it was so lavish in its praise-

“Oh my stars.” The content within wasn’t subtle in its praise, making sure to find every aspect of the young woman and see it glorified. ‘Wife material… endlessly kind, consistent in her love for others… the external features are also tremendously lovely...

“Do- we don’t tell her about this, right?” Carrot Cake inquired.

“Heaven’s sake, of course not!” Cup Cake declared- even a glance given over to her children that now stared at their mother in bemusement seemed to be concerned that the information might somehow spread. “Was… goodness, who else gets this magazine?”

Carrot Cake blinked. “It’s The Equestrian. Everyone gets this magazine.”

“Which means everyone’s going to read it?”

“I think Pinkie’s in trouble.”

“Oh dear.”

Her earlier assessments of the day seemed to pale in comparison to the wondrously fair morning Pinkie now inhabited, walking through the village streets with a full basket of steaming cookies in hand. Ooh, everything felt so lovely out! The gentle breeze playing against the hem of her skirt and offering a coolness against her skin, the warmth of spring sunshine raining down upon her face. Her ensemble was perfectly matched to the weather, deep-blue sky marked by soft cotton balls of cloud that she so loved to see.

Those that saw her go by could not miss the daydreamy, musical pace with which she walked, the cheery song the young baker hummed giving her world a special rhythm. So what if it was a bit odd? It made her happy. The world was beautiful, she was in a good mood, and she was going to have the pleasure of delivering fresh cupcakes to her friends; what more could one ask for?

“Hello, Pinkie!” The call of a friendly voice interrupted the notes that rang within her ears and Pinkie’s daydream was cut short by the sound of Twilight striding up to her. The young librarian-turn-princess was in her usual form, little heed given to royal airs as she jogged up to her friend in a simple lilac sweater and shorts with an armful of books. Not yet accustomed to the crown she –rarely- wore, Twilight was a princess in name more often than appearance.

But such things were hardly important to Pinkie Pie, whose smile blossomed at the sight of her dear friend; taking the neurotic woman into an embrace was second nature. “Hi, Twilight! You look really pretty today!” She always tried to start any meeting with a friend by offering a compliment. Who knew when or how you could make someone’s day? “What are you up to? You’re usually hard at work in the mornings.”

Twilight was of a predictable nature: focus upon task and action, give little heed to what else might be said. Particularly with a trove of books clutched against her breast, Pinkie expected nothing more than a full monologue upon whatever subject now piqued the young royal’s fancy. Instead, she was given the surprise of seeing Twilight’s features glow in delight. “Y- you think I’m pretty?” She breathed.

“Well, yeah! You’re always pretty!” Pinkie affirmed. Straight, dark hair that fell just beyond the shoulder, intelligent features that spoke to a more classic regality, and –though Twilight had not ever made mention of it- a body that had come to know some degree of enhancement since their first meeting. Whatever spell had turned her into royalty had offered more than one boon. Pinkie knew Twilight to be lovely and would believe nothing else. Heavens, if Twilight ever played up the sexy librarian archetype then she might never be left alone.

“Well- well, thank you!” Twilight exclaimed, upon her face appearing a flush of color between red and pink. “It’s… good to see you, by the way. Would you want to come back to the library with me for a little while? The rest of my morning is empty, I just wanted to do a little shopping…”

“Sure! I hope you like cupcakes,” Pinkie declared, and out from beneath the coverings of her basket came a small container of fresh cupcakes for her friend to admire.

“What- Oh, Pinkie! Thank you so much!” Twilight cried. To be gifted a batch of Pinkie’s fresh cupcakes was one of the greatest gifts she could know, and one her tastebuds would remember for years to come. “Goodness, I bet these are wonderful. You’re so wonderful!”

Wonderful. Pinkie had been called wonderful by one of her best friends in all the world, one so full of talent and greatness and loveliness that could possibly be imagined. Today really was a wonderful day!

Walking through the village with Twilight at her side was easy work, and an incredibly absorbing task. One so full of life and vigor as Twilight, especially when it came to subjects she enjoyed discussing, was incredibly engrossing. So engrossing, in fact, that the best of Pinkie’s senses were taken away from the world about her and focused on a singular source. Not that she minded, of course; but had she been able to heed her surroundings, there might have been a few things that would have garnered her attentions. The eyes of so many were upon her, the whispers spoke her name; more than a few of the beautiful people she knew as friend and neighbor were rather entranced by her appearance, smiles and gaze full of a longing that was more than a tinge passionate. Would they interrupt, dare to breach and fight against the words of a princess? Not yet. But their fixation upon the delightful baker was not subtle.

“Here, come- come on in!” Twilight said, and she hurriedly saw Pinkie into the depths of her library home, gaze darting about as she caught the horde of folk that were intent on claiming her prey. She would not let them have her, if she so wished; there was too much at stake that she could lose. “Would you like any tea to go with those cookies? I’ve got some roiboo that I’ve come to really like…”

“Nah. It’s OK, Twilight, thank you!” Pinkie called. Not much of a tea drinker unless it was vehemently filled with sugar, an act that had always offended the new princess. “Feel free to make some for yourself, though, don’t let me stop you.”

Their first minutes were spent comfortably, nestling into the isolated and quiet world that was the Golden Oaks Library. Here it was peaceful, the ancient tree well-crafted and meant for keeping the sound of wild and crazed things of the outer world well away from those within, and those within to speak freely without fear of wounding others. This was a realm of comforting solitude meant for quiet folk- even if two was only meant to be one. But with Pinkie, Twilight could easily forgo the library’s usual temperament and liven herself up a little. To be with her was reason enough to be happy.

Pinkie’s social sense was directed primarily towards fun and the happiness of those around her; a nature meant to energize and excite rather than soothe or nurture- not unkind, but often unaware. But to call her dim would have been untrue, for she could see the way by which Twilight behaved that something was rather amiss in her friend. Twilight would stir her tea constantly whenever her mind was preoccupied, and quite quickly if she was anxious about speaking. Seeing as there was a whirlpool in the midst of her earl grey, the sweet girl was going to have to rescue her friend from her own mind.

“Is everything alright, Twilight?” Pinkie asked. “You look a little nervous about something.”

The question was meant to break the nervous rhythm, and it worked wonderfully; Twilight gave a start and her pale color flushed pink in her dimples. To be fair, Pinkie tried to make Twilight blush on any given day, considering just how cute she would be whenever she turned red. “I- what? No, haha, of course not, whatever would make you say that? Why would I be nervous, it’s just two friends –friends, yes, that’s right- talking and having a conversation about things, haha. What’s there to be nervous about?”

“Well, that’s kinda why I asked, because I was hoping I could help!” Pinkie said sprightly. “Do you need a hand with anything? I wouldn’t mind!”

“I- no, I don’t need- I don’t need help with anything, really,” Twilight said, and Pinkie was left unsurprised when she saw the twirling of tea be replaced by fingers playing with strands of hair; getting closer to an answer, but not there quite yet. “I just, well, want to say something. And I don’t really know how to because this isn’t my sort of territory. And it was a little unexpected since I hadn’t realized this about myself for a while.”

Now that was something the pink-haired girl didn’t quite understand. “Huh?”

“Cause it was kind of out of nowhere, you know,” Twilight explained, “like… like this morning sort of unexpected. And I’ve been thinking all day of how to talk about it, especially now since I’m talking to you.”

Pinkie blinked. “So, it… has something to do with me?” She guessed. A small tinge of worry crept in. “I didn’t do anything, did I?”

“What? No, of course not!” Twilight exclaimed, allaying any such worry immediately. “Goodness no, you’re- you’re wonderful, Pinkie. So much that, umm, I… well, I found myself thinking about you a lot.”

Oh goodness! It was her turn to flush, the kindhearted woman suddenly turned bashful by her friend’s bold proclamation. Twilight was thinking about her? Twilight, one so smart and talented and amazing? That was a compliment of the highest order, enough to make Pinkie’s gaze fall away as the smile crept unbidden upon her face. “Umm… so, what were you thinking- about me?” Pinkie mumbled.

“Well, I had to draw it out for a little bit,” Twilight began. Now given free rein to explain herself, Twilight became more comfortable and drifted back to a massive chart that had been kept in the distance against the wall, brought to Pinkie’s attention and unfolded so that she might see the workings upon it. It was a titanic scrawl of connected dots and lines, so many words and sketches upon it that taking it all in was a bit of a feat. Small doodles that looked a bit like the baker were present here and there, some seemingly conjured from the mind while others were born of memory. Words like lively or kind and pretty were found here and there. More than a few remarks were of a more… romantic nature.

Pinkie had expected something analytical from Twilight of all people, but this was a little more in-depth than what she could have predicted. “You drew all this up this morning?”

“I wanted to be thorough,” Twilight replied. “And when I was done, I found myself certain with the conclusion that you and I are a compatible match as a romantic pair. And that we should… oh, go ahead- that we should go on a date. Together, just you and me. Romantically, somewhere.”

She took it in for a time, watching as her once-friend waited on bated breath for a reply of any sort. Twilight was attracted to her? Had gone to these lengths to determine it, even? For one so simple, this seemed like quite a lot of effort for a result so simple; if Twilight had felt this way, she didn’t need to go to this level to see if they were compatible. Goodness, she could have just asked her out for ice cream and let the cards fall where they may! And Pinkie would have gladly said yes, too, for who wouldn’t want to go on a date with Twilight? So smart and pleasant, and lovely to boot: it was a no-brainer!

“Aww, of course we can go on a date, silly!” Pinkie exclaimed, leaping forward to take her gasping friend in an embrace that squeezed the air right out of her lungs. “You didn’t have to go to all this effort for me, of course I would say yes!”

“You would? But Pinkie, we’ve been friends for ages, wouldn’t it be a little weird that I just suddenly ask you out of the blue-”

“It’s alright, I would’ve said yes anyway,” Pinkie countered, soothing what potential fretting Twilight still possessed and ensuring her joy could frolic unabated. “You wanna go on a picnic tomorrow? We can sit by the lake together for a little while.”

“Oh! Y- that sounds great, actually,” Twilight said, and upon her face was a rich color as the concerns faded away. She had actually managed her worrisome task- and succeeded, too! It was better than what she could have hoped for. “Thank you so much, Pinkie, I’m really looking forward to it! Do- do you want me to bring anything special or-”

“I can make us a couple of sandwiches, if you don’t mind bringing something sweet to drink,” Pinkie offered.

“I’ll make us some sweet tea,” Twilight said, smile as brilliant as her namesake- yet for only a moment, for her expression became self-conscious once more as a new thought took over. “Umm, so- so there is one small thing…”

“OK. What’s that?”

Twilight looked at Pinkie just before her eyes darted away. “Could- would- is it alright if- if we kissed goodbye, would that be OK?”

“You worry too much, Twilight,” Pinkie giggled, and she leaned in to place a soft kiss upon Twilight’s cheek, happily receiving one in return from the trembling princess; Twilight had a rather thin pair of lips, but the feel of her was soft, so close that the scent of her hibiscus hair conditioner filled the woman’s nose. Ooh, she smells nice. I’ll need to ask for a kiss on the lips next time! “See you tomorrow!”

“See you,” Twilight said distantly, her wave goodbye a dazed thing as that brilliant mind drifted off towards the clouds and soon to be lost.

Pinkie returned to the outside world and enjoyed the feeling of sunshine on her form, a perfect match for the warmth she felt inside. So she had a date with Twilight; not really what she’d expected for today, but certainly welcome all the same. Twilight was a magnificent catch for anyone to have, and to spend time with the princess in a romantic sense –even if it was only a simple picnic- was to be time well spent. What could it lead to, she wondered? Further dates, perhaps. Maybe hot and heavy ones, with plenty of kissing and making out later beneath darkened skies; maybe more! The line of thought was a rather indecent thing the further along she went, and enough to send Pinkie into giggles. Goodness, she was looking forward to everything that could happen after a date that hadn’t even happened yet!

The thought of a pleasant afternoon with Twilight was a buoy to her spirits, yet not so potent that all her attentions to the world about her could be extinguished; Pinkie’s stroll through the streets was not an unnoticed thing she was soon to realize. The feeling of stares from here, there, and everywhere were on her skin, the sound of whispers reaching her ears. When she allowed herself the opportunity to steal a glance, she saw many of her neighbors watching her intently as she went along. A few seemed to have something in hand, they talking amongst each other in rapid tones.

Though she tried to be nonchalant, Pinkie couldn’t keep her pace from slowing. Just why were so many people looking at her? She hadn’t sat on something when she’d been at Twilight’s, had she? Did she look silly? I like this dress, though, she thought. Surely she hadn’t done something to attract this sort of attention! It had been ages since she’d last caused any real trouble, what could she manage to keep this many people’s focus? They were all looking at her and talking and-

And they were looking at her a whole lot like Twilight had been looking at her. With that sort of bated breath look, interested and excited. Maybe a little eager, as if they were wanting something, or someone… but surely they-

“Pinkie!” The hissed cry of her name was a shock to her senses, the concerned confectionist giving a start as she turned from her growing crowd. She’d been so intent on studying the strange behavior of her friends that she hadn’t realized her path had taken her right to the Carousel Boutique, just as she’d originally intended- and Rarity’s head was peeking out the threshold, beckoning for her to come inside. “Hurry, darling!”

Now Pinkie wondered if something was actually wrong, for Rarity’s tone of voice had been rather urgent. Surely all her neighbors weren’t trying to do something to her, were they? But the fashionista was being so serious that perhaps it would be better to not take chances. With a hurry in her step, Pinkie soon disappeared from sight through the door and into the Boutique she knew by heart.

And found the place to be completely pitch-black. An odd thing, considering how much Rarity enjoyed natural lighting for her shop. “It helps the customer remain relaxed,” she would often say. But now Pinkie could see not even her hand before her face so deep was the inky color; had Rarity concealed even the windows to keep away peeping toms?

“Rarity?” Pinkie called, one hesitant step forward and fearful that she was going to trip over an invisible something just ahead. “Are you there?”

“Right here, darling,” And from above in the store rafters came a singular beam of light, shining down onto the boutique’s runway to reveal the sight of one lone woman, perfectly posed and greeting her sole companion with a beguiling smile.

A beautiful black dress befitting the fashionista’s mermaid figure, yet alight in color with gold sequins blooming across the garment in branchlike patterns; her shoulders left bare to highlight the smoothness of her fair skin, though it clung not to her form through tightness but rather a small bow that spread from atop her bosom to about her arms. The slit for her leg was daring yet gracefully so, just above the knee to allow for comfortable movement- and to elicit butterflies with every step she took. Gold hoops hung from her ears, a perfect contrast to the glistening black eyeliner she ensured was fluttering and easily caught by the eye of her awestruck companion. It was a brilliant display of darkness and light that made her form dazzle with each slight movement, a weave of blazing life across a sea of shimmering black.

Pinkie’s machination of mind had not considered this option to even be in the realm of the remotely possible, letting its full majesty bear down upon her in force and leave her dazzled. Rarity could always be described as something beautiful, but this was something extravagant! She had seen Rarity be many superlatives in their time together, but never so gracefully sensuous as she was now, appearance assembled with such care that few could possibly compare. To call her attractive felt to simple; desirable not even close to enough. Every word the baker knew seemed insufficient to describe the rush of heat and longing that had exploded within her from the first sight of this magnificent beauty she called friend.

“Oh wow…” Pinkie breathed. Hands to her lips as she gaped, or down below to help see her form more controlled? She was flustered, not quite in control of herself; what she was supposed to do next was beyond her. “Rarity, you look- you look amazing!”

“Thank you very much, darling,” Rarity said, and her smile somehow became even more fetching than before. “I was so hoping you would approve.”

“Why- why me? I don’t know much about fashion, you know that!”

“When you’re so sweetly dressed?” Rarity countered, gesturing to the baker’s simple ensemble as the boutique began to refill with light. “Why, surely you look lovely. The perfect village maiden, don’t you think?”

Compared to Rarity? The thought was laughable, she was hardly anything to look at when compared to a supernatural marvel that was Rarity- the seamstress had a list of admirers a mile long without even having to try, half the country would be after her if they knew she could look like this! “I- I just threw this on,” Pinkie said weakly. “It’s not super fancy or anything-”

“And yet you still look beautiful, darling,” Rarity insisted, coming to Pinkie’s side and holding her close. The two began to walk from the stage and further into the boutique backrooms, fashionista leading friend upon a guided tour. “Can you imagine how magnificent you’ll look when you’re adorned in my finest work? They’ll speak of your splendor for ages to come.”

“But I only wear what you make, you know that.”

Rarity gleamed and gave a wink. “Ah, but this is my finest creation yet, my sweet,” she whispered. A hand went to cloth that covered an unknown something within the center of her workroom, dark color draping down onto the floor and concealing all from view. “I woke up this morning and just- I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about you! You in this dress filled my mind and I simply couldn’t shake it! Oh, I had to see it through- and what a marvel it is! See for yourself!”

Her grip upon the heavy fabric was tightened, pulling down to tear away the covering and reveal the beauty beneath- a sight mighty enough to make Pinkie gasp. Oh, it was gorgeous! A magnificent ballgown of vibrant pink, a court train so sweeping and a queenly neckline so regal that surely it was better meant to be adorned by a princess. She couldn’t resist bringing a hand to it and feeling the satin fabric, coming close to the mannequin it adorned and imagining how it would feel upon her skin. Was she actually meant to wear it? She’d have to look positively radiant with it on, so lovely and glorious that even her perception of the world would be changed. Adoring the gift before her, Pinkie’s vision clouded with the power of the daydream; she saw herself surrounded by the beautiful and powerful dressed in all their finery, all of them gazing at her and marveling at her beauty. “Surely she’s a princess!” They would whisper to one another, seeing the vision of royalty before them rather than a simple village girl. She would curtsey here and there, exchanging greetings with wondrous folk, and even lead them in a dance-

And then came her awakening. Returning to the boutique saw her gazing at the bright ballgown with only Rarity for company, the one who intended it for her to wear and seeing it given freely as a gift. The light in the seamstress’ eyes was alive and vibrant, waiting excitedly for a reaction that she knew would be positive. How could she not assume otherwise, when her work was unrivalled? It would only be a matter of time before came the sound of delight…

“I- I’m meant to wear it?” Pinkie asked softly, hands still caressing the garment just to ensure its placement in reality. Just in case this was too good to be true.

“Yes! Of course, darling, who else could?” Rarity squealed. She reveled in Pinkie’s awe, a compliment to her craft more powerful than any spoken word could match, bobbing up and down upon the balls of her feet. “Oh, you’ll look so lovely wearing it! Just imagine: you and I, dancing the night away! We’ll be the toast of the town for weeks to come, the perfect image of a fairytale couple-”

“Yeah! We’ll have so much-” It took a few seconds for the whole of her words to register in Pinkie’s brain before she realized she didn’t actually have much of a clue to what she was agreeing to when Rarity continued on with the ‘we’ business. “Wait, what?”

“Oh! I’m sorry, darling! I must have gotten ahead of myself,” Rarity said, doing what she could to restrain her glee and becoming more composed, as though trying to present herself as a more prime opportunity. “I made this for you, darling. So that you and I can go on a beautifully romantic date together. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”

“A date?” Surely she hadn’t heard that correctly; what sort of paragon like Rarity would want to go on a date with her- much less make a dress explicitly for it? “Yo- you want to go on a date with me?”

“Oh, don’t act as if you’re something worth passing by,” Rarity gently chided, giving Pinkie’s shoulder a teasing swat as if to bat away the negativity. “You’re the biggest catch in town and everyone knows it, darling! I’ve got the entire evening planned out! We’ll head to Canterlot and have a first drink at Vintage before heading to dinner at The Darling. We take our time there, enjoy ourselves in small talk and lovely things before heading to Satine’s Hall on South Street. All the famous and fabulous we’ll be there, and oh how they’ll talk about you! I’ll positively have to keep them away with a stick- we’ll dance the night away, and then we’ll head to the botanical gardens for a lovely walk together beneath the moonlight. And we’ll hold each other so close, looking into each other’s eyes as we lean in close to see our lips meet. They’ll talk about our first kiss for years to come!”

She was being swept away in the current of the imagined romance- as if one could resist! Rarity had such a way in making you feel her emotions, her fervor impossible to resist when she was caught up in a fever pitch. Pinkie could practically imagine every scenario herself, blurred images in her mind as she and this beautiful woman came together in magnificent harmony, a liplock so glorious that the heavens might weep…

Wait a minute, didn’t you JUST agree to a date? Pinkie, swayed by the beauty of Rarity’s lips, the imaginings of their feel, that she forgot that a date with Twilight was already on the books. “Umm- when were you wanting to do this, Rarity?” She inquired.

“Why, as soon as you wish, darling! Why not tomorrow night?” Rarity replied, eyes shining and clearly eager for a romantic evening sooner rather than later. “I can help you get ready- your makeup is lovely, of course, but if you’d like a few touch-ups I’d be perfectly happy to-”

“Oh! So, umm, I- I actually just got asked out by Twilight. And she wanted to go on a picnic tomorrow. Would it be alright if maybe we went out another day? Like, I- I’m not saying that I don’t want to go out with you!” Pinkie added hastily, horrified that the thought might even be considered. “You’re super-pretty and I’d love to go out on a date with you, and- and kiss you and everything- I just don’t want to let Twilight down since I already promised and everything. Is- that’s OK, right?”

For a trace of a moment, Rarity’s expression soured; she would have asked for that very night to see them together if she’d had her way, but asking for tomorrow night had seemed the most proper thing to wish for. But now here she stood, having to wait for another time? Because someone else had already asked? It was an unmistakable thing- yet lasted for only a split-second, Rarity’s expression becoming serene and lovely once more. “Of course, darling!” She said sweetly. “Let’s get together this weekend, shall we? Heaven knows I mustn’t make you break your promise to dear Twilight. I just have one request for you.”

“Sure!” Pinkie would have gladly agreed to anything; she had a date with Twilight tomorrow- and now somehow had a date with Rarity set for this weekend! She’d thought her life was excellent before, but this stroke of good fortune was beyond her deepest imaginations. So if Rarity needed anything from her before their beautiful evening out came to pass, she was happy to oblige-

Hands came and held fast her face, keeping her from hopes of retreating- then the brilliant pressure of plump, ruby-red lips upon her own as Rarity gifted her with a ferocious kiss. Enough to steal her breath away, magnificent beyond her dreams, Pinkie could only melt beneath her beautiful suitor’s fervor, give life to a coo of happiness- and weep when it came to an end, Rarity slowly retreating from this blessed union so as to marvel at the work she had bequeathed, delighting in the look of dazed happiness upon the baker’s face.

“Ooh.”

“Don’t forget about me, darling,” Rarity purred, her voice so silken soft that the sound of it made Pinkie want to melt into the fashionista’s arms. “I’d hate for you to get swept away now, wouldn’t I?”

“Yeah…” Pinkie gave a wave goodbye and headed to the door, hardly sentient enough to be aware of her doings. She had just kissed Rarity. She had just kissed Rarity, one of the most beautiful and wonderful women in the entire world! No, rather, Rarity had kissed her…

Oh, life was good.

When Pinkie Pie strode through the door of the Carousel Boutique, she walked on as though in a daydream. Two beautiful, magnificent women who were paragons of their field had asked her out. She’d even been able to say yes- to both! How could she have suddenly become so lucky to be able to spend romantic time with two women she so fiercely enjoyed? Sure, they were different as night and day, but they were both lovely in their own way; to spend time with either of them was time well spent.

She’d even been able to share a goodbye kiss with both of them. And with Rarity, a very real and very passionate, tangible kiss…

Pinkie paused in her stride and had to giggle to herself, lost in the sensations of joy that overcome the flesh and sent her to delights. Ooh, she could still feel the plump pressure of Rarity’s lips against her own; the presence of her lipstick, the taste of the flavor held deep within; now that was something worth remembering-

“Oh crap I forgot her cupcakes!” Pinkie cried, returning to her senses and panicking as she took in the fullness of her failure. Oh for heaven’s sake, she’d left home so she could deliver her best batch of cupcakes to her dearest friends. So what if Rarity had asked her out and kissed her, she’d forgotten to give the fashionista her share of the cupcakes! Oh, what sort of dating prospect was she if she couldn’t even remember the basics that were gifts- she had to go back and deliver Rarity her cupcakes right now or else the whole thing was a complete bust! And maybe she could even get another kiss, or- or three, and it could be a little more passionate this time and they could take their time-

“Pinkie! Now there you are!” Pinkie, so enthralled by the possibility of future events, paid no attentions to the world about her until the outside world intruded on her own. Awoken from daydreaming and thrust back into reality saw the baking girl suddenly face-to-face with the beauty of freckles and pale skin weather by years of harsh weather and formidable reality. Blinking and taking a step back was what she required to take things in more completely, she realizing that who now stood before her was Applejack: farmgirl extraordinaire, matriarch-to-be of Sweet Apple Acres, and a blonde beauty that had no equal anywhere in the world. Potent muscles beneath freckled flesh, a fair skin gone to seed where sunlight and the environment had done their work- but altogether so lovely when put together in one so warm and wonderful, the apple farmer possessing a particularly pleasant and affable nature.

“Ohmygosh- hi, Applejack!” Pinkie Pie cried, leaping over to give her friend a warm hug and immediately satisfied with the wondrous scent that filled her nostrils: green apples, a tinge of sweet amidst the sour that she so enjoyed. “Hello, it’s wonderful to see you!”

“Good to see you too, darlin’. You look good,” Applejack said. Before Pinkie could even respond, from the farmgirl’s hands came a beautiful bouquet of flowers, symphonious flowers places into Pinkie’s hands and allowing their exquisite scent to add to the brilliance.

“Oh, wow!” This sudden gift was a marvel to behold, the brilliant multitude of colors like dazzling stars alive before her eyes. Pinkie’s gasp was a natural thing she couldn’t hold back, delighting in her gift and the one who gifted them to her all the more. “Thank you so much, Applejack! This is so nice of you! Goodness, they’re beautiful- what made you think to do this for?”

“I wanna get married.”

She had, and simultaneously, hadn’t heard that. “What?” Pinkie had been granted so little time to know what on earth was going on around her that this unbelievable question was able to blindside her better than a linebacker. Now left dazed, the wondrous baker began to take in the world about her and see she and Applejack weren’t all that alone. A crowd of women was all about them, circling her as though a pack of wolves about their prey, each one of them leering down upon her with a hunger- and looking at Applejack with no small measure of distaste, a predatory rival who had come in and stolen away their meal.

Yet when they looked at her, Pinkie realized, they seemed to be brimming with a strange fire; a whole great deal like lust…

Applejack was at least behaving somewhat in character despite her astounding pronouncement; a mild shade of pink beneath her flurry of beautiful freckles, bashful smile well-paired with the ruffle of fingers through straight blonde hair as she was unable to maintain Pinkie’s shocked gaze. “Yeah, so…” she said, losing steam after what must have been a bold pronouncement, “I found myself thinking today about what a gal you are. You know, great homemaker, good in the kitchen- and a hard worker, too, and tough when you need to be. And- and it doesn’t hurt that you’re real pretty, too, so I started wondering why I hadn’t asked to marry you yet. And yeah, here I am. You wanna get married, Pinkie?”

The day had been a marvel and bizarre beyond what her imagination could have hoped to conjure. Twilight, she felt, could just as easily be explained as the bookish princess trying to branch out and test the waters with a close friend. Rarity was a bit more difficult to explain, but it could just be some measure of buried feeling that had been left unspoken for years.

But a marriage proposal? From Applejack? The woman’s one true love was Sweet Apple Acres and the family within it, with nothing anywhere capable of getting in the way. What on earth had gotten into this freckle-faced blonde and made her ask such a daring question? They hadn’t even dated- once! The sheer bravado of this had left Pinkie gaping.

The courage of the farmgirl was fading with each passing second that no reply was given, her smile faltering and turning into an anxious grimace. “So, that’s… that’s not a good sign,” Applejack murmured.

Pinkie gave herself a vigorous shake and tried to get some thinking done. Was a marriage with Applejack something all that bad, really? Sure, it was a bit sudden, but it wasn’t like Applejack was awful; they were even something of a good match! And she was pretty, too, dark freckles across sun-kissed skin that had spent years out in apple orchards. Not to mention those clearly defined, potent muscles in those arms, the formidable body brimming with power… that would probably feel really, really good in bed-

“Applejack, I’m- I’m super flattered,” Pinkie began to manage, “You’re super-duper pretty and everything, and I think it’d be amazing to marry you! I just- I did just agree to go out on a date with Rarity for this weekend, and- yeah, I’ve got that. And I’ve got a date with Twilight tomorrow, so… maybe we can go out together somewhere? And you can figure out if you really wanna get married-”

“No way. I know what I want,” Applejack said fiercely, a more ferocious look upon her face that took Pinkie’s breath away. Goodness, she was truly serious about this! “I don’t wanna wait and I don’t wanna let someone steal you away. You- I know, they’re my friends and all, but I wanna ask if it’s alright that you reconsider.”

“I- I dunno, Applejack,” Pinkie said- and likely would have said more, save for the movement that caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. Their very public conversation, on the edge of the village road and just west of the square, was seemingly something worth watching according to the dozens of spectators just a few arm’s lengths away. She recognized Carrot Top, Roseluck, and Derpy amongst a few others, circling their conversation like predators waiting to strike. Their gazes would flit between the two- and the expressions they would have! Absolute disgust whenever they settled on Applejack, and a rapturous sort of look whenever they looked at her. A whole lot like how Applejack was looking at her right now, and…

Pinkie Pie began to realize she might be about to get asked to go out on a few dozen dates at the bare minimum. And considering that she really, really didn’t feel like saying no when there were so many quality prospects that she’d entertained in her daydreams, how on earth was she going to say no- or make it all actually work?

“I, uh- Applejack I’ll tell you later! Gottago!” And before the beautiful farmgirl could react, Pinkie Pie darted off with a speed that few could match and was lost from the throng towards wherever she could find safety. The opposite side of town seemed best, ducking in the alleyway a few blocks from Sugarcube Corner just in case she had to make a break for locked, secure safety. Surely it would do.

Applejack asked to marry me. Pinkie tried to fathom what she had just experienced, the vision of that radiant, freckled face before her and offering those gorgeous flowers was something she couldn’t quite shake, as well as the heart-melting feeling that had come from considering such a wondrous idea. Applejack asked to marry me! And Twilight asked me out, and Rarity asked me out. And I think a bunch of my other friends were going to do the same thing, too. Which is really weird, like, why does everyone want to ask me out all of a sudden? I didn’t know anyone even liked me like that!

“Gotcha!”

About her waist were a pair of toned, powerful arms that offered no chance of rescue, more than capable of eliciting a scream of Pinkie who’d just given it her best effort to escape from the menagerie of souls about her. Caught! Caught in the depths of a darkened alleyway- oh goodness, who had ensnared her? What on earth were they going to do? With each person she’d encountered escalating the scenario-

“Whoa, easy, it’s just me, babe!” The scraggly yet friendly voice of Rainbow Dash called out to see Pinkie’s struggle soothed, the frizzy girl kicking out wildly against one she knew to be friend. “Hey, hey, it’s just me. I promise, you’re good. I got you!”

“Please- oh, Rainbow!” Pinkie’s terror quelled itself in an instant as mind recognized the voice she knew to be one of the safest on earth. Few were as capable of keeping her safe as Rainbow, a brutal warrior and unrivaled athlete that knew no peer. Though she gave further effort to let it be known that her current captivity was unwelcome, Pinkie made no attempts to flee after being released and instead came to rest against the solid frame of her dear friend. Ooh, Rainbow’s body was sturdy as a brick wall, good enough to grind meat on! With all the insanity currently dwelling in her world, one like this was a welcome reprieve. “Oh my gosh, I am so glad to see you. You’ve come to rescue me?”

“Uh… I mean, I definitely can,” Rainbow said, her grin not quite steady but still present all the same. “What’s up, pretty girl?”

“I think a lot of people are trying to ask me out for some reason,” Pinkie Pie explained, trying to be succinct without leaving gaps. She felt like she had far too much to go over considering that it had all transpired in little more than hour. “Twilight and Rarity asked me out on a date and Applejack just asked to marry me, and a whole lot of other girls in town were trying to do the same thing- I think. And they’re all so nice, I don’t know how to say no when I don’t really want to! Like, how do you say yes to everybody when that doesn’t even make sense?”

Rainbow’s eyes were wide, taking in the bubbly baker’s pronouncement as quickly as she could. “Oh. OK, so… wow, yeah. That’s kinda nuts.”

“And when you grabbed me, I was kinda worried someone was gonna do something super scary or something,” Pinkie continued. “But you’re not, because you’re my friend! And I know you’d only help keep me safe, so I bet you’ll help me out! Do you have any idea what to do? Like, how do I fix this without letting anyone down or being rude?”

“Yeah, so that’s definitely wild,” Rainbow mused, a gentle hand through long hair as she was gifted the puzzle by her worried companion. “Like, I don’t blame them, but that’s definitely nuts. Especially since it’s all at once.”

“Yeah, and-” She suddenly began to clue in to this sudden appearance of personage; considering that Applejack had practically appeared from nowhere and that both Twilight and Rarity had sought her out, this wasn’t going to be some random encounter. “Umm… what are you here for, Rainbow? You’re not… you don’t wanna get married right this instant or something, do you?”

To her relief, the prismatic beauty only laughed, treating the idea with her usual bravado. “Of course not! Who could tie down the magnificent Rainbow Dash?”

“Oh, thank goodness-”

“We can just fuck instead.”

“Oh come on.”

Rainbow blinked. “Why not? Not like we’d be the first friends with benefits in this town,” she said. “Come on, have you seen Lyra and Bon-Bon like, at all? They’re not even subtle about it.”

“Rainbow, they’ve been dating for five years,” Pinkie countered.

A statement enough to garner a start from the athletic woman. “Oh. Huh. Never knew. Anyway, come on, let’s go back to my place. You know I’d give you a good time.”

The likelihood that Rainbow would indeed be a spectacular bedroom partner wasn’t something Pinkie had ignored throughout their friendship, more than once being caught eyeing the athlete’s powerful physique and wondering what it would be like to die between those thighs. Not to mention her very aura! Rainbow just radiated sexual confidence, the thought that she could be anything but a lovemaking maestro impossible to believe in. Sure, she was flat as a surfboard, but all that skill and… a probably willingness to be extremely freaky…

She must have been caught drooling again, for Rainbow’s smile turned into a smug grin. “Yeah, there we go,” she said, her grasp clinching about Pinkie’s waist and seeing the pretty-faced baker held close. “Come on, tell me what you’re dreaming of. I know I could make it come true.”

“Yeah…” Pinkie sighed, her mind now aflutter with the thoughts of all the despicable, scandalous, positively marvelous sexcapades she and Rainbow could enjoy as two became one. It wouldn’t be cheating or anything- she could still have her dates with Twilight and Rarity without it causing any problems; not to mention it would do wonders to solve the growing tsunami she was feeling down below, the damp heat beginning to get the best of her. Why not let Rainbow hurry her away to a private, darkened corner of the world so she could at least make one suitor happy today? “Ooh, Rainbow-”

“Get away from my bride, you conniving little carpet-muncher!” The furious roar of Applejack broke a kiss the moment before it could begin and just about gave Pinkie a seizure, ripping the sweet woman away from her swain with the force of her screaming jump. No longer along the wall next to a steamy physique of colorful goodness, Pinkie turned and saw a great throng rushing towards her and Rainbow, all of them bearing an expression of outrage that looked charged enough to transform into something worse. When the freckled farmgirl caught sight of who now stood just arm’s length from the object of her affections, it was a wonder those green eyes did not pop out of their sockets so great was her displeasure. “Rainbow, you cheatin’ homewrecker-!”

“Aww, that’s not what Granny was saying last night!” Rainbow sneered, turning from Pinkie and instead facing the great crowd of women who now threatened her claim upon the magnificent pink prize of the kingdom. “Not my fault you’re slow as molasses!”

Pinkie saw Applejack spit sparks and roll up her sleeves, toned muscle bulging when fight response became active. Considering that this was a rather narrow alley and she was the prime target –and reason- for this mess, there were a multitude of places that were better for life and limb than here.

With everything in mind, running was her best idea yet. Just a little further and then she could race up to her apartment atop the bakery, see the place sealed up so that not even the smallest flea could find its way inside. With all the food and water she’d secretly stocked up over the years, she could last months before anyone could reach her- the perfect zombie plan, at last put into fruition! But wait, was this really a zombie apocalypse or something? It sure felt like it since they were all sort of wanting to eat her-

Right into the most pillowesque feeling she’d ever known, Pinkie’s momentum being promptly reversed and she toppling to the ground. Terror came at the sensation, she well aware that any time spent on the ground with a relentless horde behind her surely spelled death. Up on her feet in an instant, Pinkie tried to return to her pace and instead was left paralyzed by the vision of naked gloriousness that was Fluttershy before her, not an ounce of fabric to hinder the view of her loveliness that was her bosom.

“Flutter- Umm.” She wasn’t meaning to stare. Or did she mean to? It was hard to tell. All of Pinkie’s thoughts were focused on the sight before her as mind wondered what words besides melons, mounds, mountains, or who knew what else she could use as a proper adjective. Did they have to look so cute and be so big?

Fluttershy didn’t waste her chance, practically leaping into Pinkie’s catatonic grasp and planting a soaking-wet kiss upon her lips, bare figure giving a spectacular grind and seeing clothing turned all the more soaked, sources both concealed and not performing their work. “You’re going to love me, Pinkie Pie,” Fluttershy declared, or as best as she could when words came forth in a hurried whisper. Those soft eyes pleaded, begged, beseeched in a way that plucked at Pinkie’s heartstrings had never known before. “Right now, please. I- I don’t care if everyone sees us. I hope that’s… that’ll be OK, right?”

It was more than OK, and also more than enough to send Pinkie into a fit of hysterics. This was the best dream she couldn’t wake up from, with no end in sight and no clue as to how she could rectify it all. One loud, spectacular scream and she was gone; a blur of bright color was all she left behind, the baking beauty into the doors of Sugarcube Corner faster than what human eye could trace; up the stairs, up the ladder, right through her door as fast as she could!

Dresser and makeup mirror went before the door; lockbox went into the dresser, bedframe went beside the dresser for extra peace of mind. Thick boards were hammered across the window in a matter of seconds, snuffing out natural light from the place and sending her world into darkness. A few lightbulbs and a candle were all she had to illuminate her world- but she was safe! Pinkie sagged against her bedframe and gave a deep sigh of relief; hopefully this would all be over soon and her friends would no longer be quite so desperate for her. She needed this to end soon, today, even! She needed to go on her date with Twilight, and her date with Rarity this weekend, too. And consider Applejack’s marriage proposal, see if she could actually sleep with Rainbow and Fluttershy in a way that wouldn’t make anyone mad or jealous, and those were just her closest friends! How was she supposed to say yes to everyone?

“Ooh, she’s strong, too.”

So much for a heartbeat. Pinkie winced and turned about slowly as though facing a dread beast; looking back, she should have considered a possibility like this. Of course Princess Luna and Princess Celestia were in her bedroom, eyeing her greedily and clearly ready to ravish her. Of course they were the two most beautiful, angelic beings she’d ever seen in her life, of course she’d want to do whatever they wanted. But she was going to have to say no.

And it just wasn’t fair!

“Come here. I promise I won’t bite.” Celestia’s voice was so teasing, so playful and light; there was a warmth in hearing her speak that the young woman had never heard from others, sunlight given tangible sound and allowed to soothe the soul. Even though she was still wanting to panic, Pinkie found her heartbeat began to slow, the fear of her mind cease. Was that good? She wasn’t sure. Actually, she was sure it wasn’t, but she couldn’t quite help it; Celestia was just that way, a salve for fretful spirits.

Outstretched hands came about hers and held them gently, a radiance of spring seeing the worry fade away. This close to her, Pinkie could take in a different shade of the woman’s magnificence. A deep-purple gown, sewn in the like of ancient days yet given a modern twist; the excess neckline was more revealing, yet the solitary shoulder strap and the way it fell just above her sandaled feet gave the air of something long-lost and regal even still. The golden olive leaves about her waist, tied to a simple sash, were a perfect ribbon about this gift- one that smiled down at her with a wondrous love in her eyes.

“Oh wow.” She hadn’t meant to say it. She couldn’t even help it, really, but how coud she manage when she was this close to the embodiment of sunlight? Pinkie could smell flowers and a fresh breeze, memories of spring blossoming to life in her mind. Was this a pheromone, an illusion, a trick? All she could do was look in this resplendent princess’ eyes and wonder.

“There we are. I hope you feel comfortable,” Celestia murmured sweetly. One hand broke away from its grasp and caressed that soft face, fingers gently stroking across skin and through frizzy hair that never lost its curl. “Now, won’t you let your princess give you a kiss? You deserve such a romance… all I want to do is love you!”

“Puh-lease, sister, we all know she’s not lame!” Luna’s brash voice interrupted the sweetness before it could truly spring to life. Literally caught and held in between the two competing siblings, Pinkie couldn’t really do much of anything but admire the physique of these goddesses and the adornment they wore. Good heavens, Luna was spectacular! She had muscles that could put Rainbow and Applejack to shame and a body that gave her sister a run for its money. Plush breasts, toned abs, a darkened gown of midnight color with the pattern of stars and a deep neckline that plunged all the way to her belt loop. There wasn’t a single ounce of her that wasn’t meant to be seen, much less kept hidden from admiration, especially with a dress so thin and easily complimentary to her figure. Pinkie could feel the tight grip Luna put about her form in an instant. To call it a turn-on almost seemed insubstantial.

“See? Look how hot and heavy she is. This pretty little thing deserves all sorts of excitement. Don’t you agree, my sweet thing?” Luna remarked. Nose-to-nose was she with Pinkie, a few kisses quickly dispatched and left to make the baking beauty ache for more; giggles and delight seeing them lured away together, Pinkie more than willing to go along with what felt so delightful. “Now there we are. Let’s have some time to ourselves, shall we? A week, at least! For all the fun and frolic we could ask for, until you can’t possibly bear it- I’ll happily give you the ride of your life!”

“Now don’t you go and harm this delicate flower. She should be tended to!” Celestia protested, trying to drag Pinkie away from the malevolent clutches of her sister. “Look at this specimen, she’s far too beautiful to be treated like a sex toy. I’d rather she her married and made a princess, wouldn’t that be suitable? You know she deserves it.”

A princess? Married to Celestia? Goodness, what sort of magnificence was she in store for? Pinkie was being torn by whim and will in every direction, she unable to decide which she liked best. They felt unimaginably perfect no matter which she chose.

“Like she wants to settle down! This beautiful thing wants a harem, not a bride! But we all know I’m better than a host of ladies,” Luna purred, passionately kissing her prize and seeing Pinkie ache-

“She wants happily ever after, and don’t you forget it!” Celestia snarled. A string of kisses up Pinkie’s arm, meant to woo and win over rather than subjugate-

“She needs bitches, not a wife!”

“True love is always better than a one-night-stand!”

“You don’t even deserve a one-night-stand, you wannabe slut!” Luna roared.

“As if anybody would ever choose a desperate hooker like you!” Celestia sneered.

She loved them both. She loved everyone. Everything she’d heard in the past hour sounded like the best thing ever except for the fact that everyone in the world was tearing each other to bits in the hopes of being the last woman standing- and she was forcibly kept at the center of it! All because she couldn’t say no, could only say yes because that’s all she wanted to say, and unable to make everyone else fall in line. Pinkie couldn’t understand why she was being held up as some sort of sex goddess and marital prize all at the same time when she couldn’t decide on which she liked more, but her very presence was ruining everything because she couldn’t side with just one person.

This was supposed to be a dreamscape, not some hellish nightmare- and yet now look where she stood! “Oh, this isn’t fair!” Pinkie screamed, lashing out so violently that the twin royalty were swift to relinquish their grasp and let the beautiful baker enjoy her tantrum uninterrupted; Luna looked upon her as though a docile beast suddenly turned rabid, Celestia horrified that she’d crossed some invisible line beyond her reckoning. “Stop being so petty and let me think for one minute! I don’t wanna say no to anyone, how am I supposed to say yes to everybody?!”

The glorious sun princess winced; wounding those she cherished, intentionally or not, was a high crime in her eyes and this unhappy outburst from one so continuously cheerful was a major sin. “Pinkie, forgive me, I didn’t mean-”

“Why are you all so hot? Why is everyone so hot?! It’s not like I can make up my mind or anything,” Pinkie continued to rage, sparks flying so fiercely that she paid no heed to any word said to or about her. “Oh, this isn’t fair at all! First it was just a nice picnic with Twilight and then suddenly Rarity asks me out for a date, then Applejack wants to get married, Rainbow tries to take me home, Fluttershy throws her naked body on me and now it’s you two! And that’s only the people who’ve talked to me! There was a whole freaking crowd of cuties who were trying to fight everyone else just for a chance to talk to me and- and…”

One so prone to bright and gentle feeling could not keep herself mad for long, a quick blaze just as swiftly extinguished the moment any tinge of sensible thought could see it doused. Pinkie’s poof of hair began to deflate and sag along with her entire frame, petite form slumping as the unhappy weight grew. “This isn’t fair,” she muttered, and one could detect just a slight tinge of wetness in her voice now, “it was nice to be liked like that. Someone as nice as Twilight, or- or pretty as Rarity, and… I don’t want them to get all angry at each other because of me. I just want them to be happy.”

Luna was keeping her distance, eyeing Pinkie with sympathy and yet all the fear one would give a live bomb. Though an emotional creature, this sort of introspection was a bit beyond her skills when what she knew was how to guide her people against their lesser selves; romance was not something she had ever really mastered. Celestia, however, was the gentler of the two, and so it was she who thus reached out and took Pinkie’s hand in a loving squeeze, the other brushing gently across those sweet dimples to see salt streaks stopped in their tracks.

“You do make me happy,” Celestia said soothingly, close to her affections yet allowing just enough space to avoid intimacy. “And I’ve no doubt everyone else feels the same way. I am sorry if we intruded on something special with you and Twilight. We just… you make us happy, that’s all. And we wished to do the same for you.”

“But they’re all fighting each other because of me!” Pinkie moaned. “That’s not making them happy at all! I- I really wanna say yes to everyone, but I can’t do that, obviously! So how am I supposed to say no when it’s going to make a bunch of people feel bad?”

“Oh. Oh! So that’s the issue,” Celestia said, her countenance transformed from nurturing to one of excitement. “You don’t mind having so many suitors, then?”

“I mean, I wish I could just say yes to everyone, look who’s asked me out already! Twilight’s so pretty and nerdy, Rarity’s super sexy, and- and then there’s Applejack and Rainbow and Flutterboobs- I mean Fluttershy, and… umm.” She recalled every encounter, every moment that had set her body afire, and found them all delicious. Ooh, it was enough material for her mind to fantasize with for weeks! The thought of any single one of those beautiful babes she called her friends being with her and everything getting all hot and steamy-

And goodness, she hadn’t even thought of everyone else. Just how magnificent Luna and Celestia were, how she’d heard Roseluck was a total freak in bed. She’d sort of hoped Mayor Mare was out in the crowd, she’d always wanted to be with an older woman-

“Well, that’s an easy fix. Just give me a moment,” Celestia said pleasantly, taking a step back from Pinkie and raising her hand. “Goodness, why haven’t I made polygamy legal yet? Maybe I thought I already had.”

“Wait, you can change marriage laws just like that?” Pinkie gasped. “How? Are you sure you can?”

Celestia looked at Pinkie. Pinkie stared right back.

“Oh yeah.”

A smirk upon her perfect features and Celestia snapped her fingers, an aged scroll of parchment appeared before her alongside an ethereal quill and inkpot. Swiftly did she begin her corrections, pausing every now and then to grimace at whatever displeasurable things she found before her. “Eww, this needed updating anyway. The writing! Who was my scribe back then? And it takes forever to get to the point, this is way too 5th-century!”

“Sister, some of us are waiting,” Luna piped up not so patiently, eyeing Pinkie with a predatory hunger beginning to reignite.

“Right! Right! OK, there we go- ‘No restriction on number of marital partners to be allowed.’ Alright, so that’s done.” One more crack saw parchment and quill disappear from their presence, Celestia giving a contented little sigh and letting her hands rest against her hips. “Well, that’s that. Anything else you’d like to add, Pinkie darling?”

It seemed almost too easy. “You- you changed a law that old just for me?” She asked meekly.

“Uh-huh.”

“And you don’t mind if I’m with someone else, too?”

“Nope.”

“And… I can actually go out with everybody who’s asked me today without it being-”

“Pinkie, I am rather deeply needing your body-”

“Just checking! OK, umm- uh, right. Can we go outside, please?”

The Cakes couldn’t suppress a shudder of horror as they saw Pinkie carried atop Luna’s shoulders, Celestia beside her sister and gifting upon the young woman held aloft a radiant expression. Just what sort of trap had Pinkie been ensnared in? To what sort of end were these two sisters taking her? Oh, they could hardly bear to watch as they strode out the front door to where the great throng awaited, hungering and hoping for that one sight of Pinkie Pie even if it might set them all to madness and chaos once more! This was to be the end!

Silence as Pinkie was gathered to their midst. Palpable, tense, a moment set to explode and bring about ruin. Then-

“Sex party?” Pinkie suggested.

“Sex party!”

Author's Note

This is so stupid.

You Thought It Was Gonna Make Sense, Didn't You?

~One Week Later~

They’d heard her enter the throneroom in a singing mood more than a few times, but to see one like this was a bit of a different mold; it might have been the jeweled ring on her finger that gave it away, but Princess Celestia was in a different kind of happy disposition this morning. Slow in her movements as she strode across the throneroom floor, a sort of wavy movement to her feet as though she struggled to maintain balance, but every answer she gave to anyone was of a highest happiness. One could positively feel the warmth that radiated from her physical form that gave sunlight to the whole of the castle, a gentleness and serenity that was oft found in the high of spring. Even if she seemed to wince every time the muscles in her thighs were put to use.

“My lady, is there anything you need today?” One of her attendants asked, unable to keep the grin from her face even as she saw to the throne itself being made comfortable. “You seem most distracted, my ladies and I do hope that there is something we can do to aid you.”

“Ooh, she was…” Celestia was in another world as she spoke, so far away from anything and elsewhere that to think upon her contented self was to be a distraction from whatever pleasures affected her. One moment, then another- three times passing before her attendants began to giggle at their lady’s continued manner of disinterest in all the world that was before her. Whatever it was that had distracted her, it must be something wondrous.

“I’ll cancel Day Court today, shall I, Your Ladyship?” Her attendants said before too long. One personality who could not garner her attention was warning enough that something was amiss; best not let it become two.

“Yes, that sounds lovely,” Celestia breathed, most distantly and one not likely to notice the subtraction of numbers from this place. Her servants, her guards, all of them leaving the throneroom behind and not a moment’s notice from the glorious princess they served to pay heed. If only they knew what obsessed her!

That wondrous skin, those beautiful lips. Everything about her had been perfect in every single way, down to the last iota. Leaning down into her throne, the wondrous sun beauty was only able to marvel at her recent… well, vacation- and let the memory of it enthrall her. She couldn’t have even begun to guess at how good everything would feel, especially when everyone else got involved. She would, of course, have to ensure her beau got plenty of attention throughout the week; even if she wasn’t always present, one of the girls had to be there and see Pinkie made happy. Should that be made into a law? Worth a thought, really. What had transpired had been worth it all in the end, without a doubt, but maybe there were better ways to see it done. Maybe a schedule for them all to hold to. Twilight would love that especially. But it would help to see the insanity not be quite so common. As joyous as their union had been, the whole ordeal had been a little chaotic-

“Wait a minute.” Eyes popped open faster than the speed of light, Celestia on her feet and suddenly alive with the might of lightning. Insanity? Chaos? And all of it because she, just like every other of that perfect woman’s paramours, had read that blasted article!

From within her grasp came a flash of myriad light, hardened substance emanating from the ether and thrown to the ground to see color burst into smoke. “Discord, get in here- now!” Celestia roared.

Out from the haze came the sound of a long-winded, whiningly wet fart as the silhouette of a man appeared within the cloud. Tall, but not quite, a coiffure of dark-brown hair that was slightly molded over to help conceal a receding hairline, no great features of muscle or masculinity to be found. Were it not for the black-and-red jumpsuit that he wore, and the glitter it seemed to consistently embody, there might be nothing remarkable about him at all.

“Picard! If you don’t- oh damn it all, I lost my train of thought again. Guess that’s what happens when you decide to take a uranium shower near Andromeda.” The man appeared not to notice his surroundings, currently occupied with whatever scenario he had just departed and those within it than the world around him. But soon came the realization that he had traveled far and wide, away from who-knew-what and brought to the bright serenity of a sunlit palace that still knew the rays of dawn- and most certainly not alone any longer.

The man turned about to find Princess Celestia glaring at him with a revulsion usually found only in those who deem themselves superior to anyone. “Oh, good heavens, I’m dressed for the wrong universe. One moment, if you please.” A snap of the man’s fingers and a puff of smoke, confetti, and gun-toting skunks appeared in his place for a time, allowing the figure of the man to twist and contort into the familiar shape of the unpredictable yet thoroughly alien draconequus known as Discord, that accursed smirk on his face that always suggested he knew everything and yet absolutely nothing all at once, hovering above the floor by a good three feet. “Yes, your happy Princess-ness. What complaint may I hear about myself today? You do so have such consistent criticisms.”

A snap of her fingers and in her grasp appeared a magazine, she sweeping through the pages to the number she would know by heart forever; it was a struggle not to dwell on the contents, but with effort she tossed it before the mass of beast, ensuring that its contents were unmistakable to him. “This article,” she said heatedly, “It was written by an anonymous contributor. I read it last week and suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about Pinkie Pie.”

“Goodness you are thirsty,” Discord remarked, perusing through the constantly-contorting article and grinning as he watched the parade of letters and pictures move their way before him. “But then again, a woman who hasn’t gone on a date for a thousand years might feel a little isolated. You’re like the ‘lonely housewife’ category- well, without the house, or being a wife-

“What did you do?” She demanded, holding up her hand so that the flare of her ring might shine in the sunlight, the sight of it nearly putting the strange beast into raptures of laughter. “I know Cadance’s work, but that was something else entirely.”

“Ooh, I know. I’ve got my own signature touch,” Discord remarked, finishing an amalgamation of paintings that somehow formed to make the exact expression Celestia currently possessed. “How’d things go? I figured it might be good to let it brew for a bit-”

“The entire town almost rioted! Do you know what sort of damage you nearly did? Who it affected?!”

“Well it’s not my fault emotions are a difficult thing,” Discord said airily. “If you’re talking about Twilight, you most certainly babied her for too long, that girl needed about twenty more dates before you made her a princess-”

“Pinkie’s married to women from five different countries!” Celestia seethed. As usual, Discord was taking a conversation about as seriously as one would speak of yesterday’s sunshine. “Three princesses, a mayor, some sheik’s daughter from god-knows-where-”

“Is Pinkie complaining that she’s married to you, or are you just salty that you didn’t see her qualities sooner?” Discord inquired drily, handing the princess an empty shaker in hopes of seeing it filled. “You act like I did something heinous. I could have had her make cupcakes out of Rainbow Dash or something.”

“She- no, she’s about the happiest person ever and she deserves it- that’s not the point!” Celestia spluttered. “What if it had caused someone to cheat? Or ruined someone’s marriage! Did you even stop to consider that at all?”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, you still think I’m the worst thing since unsliced bread,” Discord sneered, floating along in a figure-eight about his companion and making it quite clear that he was dissatisfied; the cacophony of cartoonish squiggles around his head were clear enough. “The spell would only work on single women, I made sure of that. Fluttershy did make me promise to behave myself.”

“Lyra and Bon-Bon.”

“Well, they’re just sluts.”

“And writing a fake article to make everyone who reads it fall in love with someone is behaving?”

“The girl was lonely! You’re just mad that a male noticed all her endearing qualities before you did,” Discord countered. “I put a few nice words on paper, I added a little glamour to them, and let everyone act as they wished. She deserved to be loved, how dare I try to make it obvious.”

Celestia was slowly finding herself on an island, sand shrinking beneath her feet and not offering much stability. Weird and wild as it was, it didn’t actually seem like Discord had meant any genuine harm… “And- and what happens when the spell wears off?”

Discord shrugged. “They’ll still love her. It’s not like I tricked their brains or anything, they just… found a new appreciation.”

“Will it keep happening, if people read the article?”

“I only made it last a day. Everyone who didn’t sleep with her will just rub one out and go on their way.”

It was a remarkably thorough explanation that she rather hated but was willing to accept anyway. It almost sounded as if he’d actually thought this one through. “Huh.”

Discord took note of her lack of fight. “Just- just how many women were there?” He inquired.

“Somewhere over a hundred.”

“Ooh, I do know how to cook,” Discord grinned. “Thank me anytime you want- and ask for her key lime cookies, they’re great for this time of year.”

She wanted to keep arguing, but for what reason she couldn’t manage. She was married, she felt no reason to change that, and the fact that she hadn’t really been ‘tricked’ all that much wasn’t going to see her mood sour. It was just infuriating that she hadn’t tried to- well, there were a million things she could have done, perhaps.

“Discord?”

“If you ask me to make her a princess, too, I’m going to say no,” he quickly remarked. “You’ve got too much royalty walking around this place anyway.”

“No, that’s not- have you ever met my secretary, Raven?”

“In passing. The one that looks like a sexy librarian stereotype?”

“Think you could write another one?” she asked.

“I charge $500 a word.”

Author's Note

Holy fuck, this is so stupid. How did this take me over a month?

I am truly sorry. Enjoy, if you can.