Celestia Wears Noise-Canceling Headphones
John was a little excited as he followed the guardspony. Princess Celestia had summoned him to the castle. Apparently, another item from his home world had popped up somewhere. It was brought to the castle, and she wanted him to explain the technology. He hoped he would get to keep it afterwards. He was just glad to have another piece of home show up. He managed to keep his excitement together as the princess approached him in the hallway.
"Good afternoon John." she said.
"Good afternoon princess." he said back.
"Ready to see what was recovered?" she asked as they began to walk.
"So ready." he said with a grin. "I'm sure that spare room of yours is getting full with Earth stuff."
"Indeed it is." the princess answered with a nod. "The Canterlot Museum has offered to build a section related to your planet and the things we've recovered from the attempted portal openings."
"What showed up this time?" John asked.
"Something not too dissimilar from a technology we have." she answered. "Hopefully you can give us more information on the details of it."
The two came up to a door. It had a logo of the Earth on it. The guards at the door stepped aside as they bowed at the princess. One of them opened the door, and the two stepped through. The room had once gone unused for ages. Its only use being for the Royal Guard to sneak in a break or a nap on duty. Now it was the storage room for any artifacts from his planet. He would have to come here from time to time on his own. Scientists (and Twilight a lot of times) wanting to learn more about his world. He would give explanations about any of the items they were curious about. Anything about Earth in general really. Universities would often hire him to give talks to curious students. Made for a decent living. John was brought out of his thoughts when a glowing alicorn horn caught his eyes. It was levitating what looked like fold-able headphones with a silver color finish.
"We have headphones on Equus as well as a number from Earth already, but these seem to be a bit more advanced." Princess Celestia said.
The headphones were levitated into his hands. He looked for a logo, but to no avail. Probably broke off in the past. On the side of the right ear, a power switch. On its rim, a plus button, a minus button, and a charging port. He put the headphones on, and hit the switch. There was a hum, dead silence, then a voice.
"Power on." the digital voice said. "Battery: one hundred percent. Resuming playlist: classical music."
"Noise-canceling headphones." John said as he turned them off and removed them. "Looks like they're fully charged and whoever owned them has classical music loaded onto them too."
"How can headphones cancel noise?" she asked.
"Here's a simplified explanation." he said as he gestured at the headphones. "On this device, there are tiny microphones listening to the noise around them. They create a secondary noise to cancel out the outside sounds. So in essence, it blocks out all noise in the outside world. So by wearing these, you could listen to the music on here while the world around you is a loud as can be."
"Earth-style classical music, completely uninterrupted." she said with fascination. "I imagine they're quite enjoyable."
"Somewhat addictive too, I would say." he said. "Once you start using these type of headphones, it's hard to use anything else. You could get a lot of peace and quiet with these on. Though getting them on might be a struggle. Being made for humans and not ponies doesn't help."
With a flash of her horn, Princess Celestia was suddenly wearing an odd-looking contraption on her head. It had wide cones surrounding each of her ears. A small round mount on top.
"A scientist from Manehattan had recently come up with this device for adapting the headphones from Earth to be wearable by ponies for testing." she said.
"I'm sure there are eager minds that want to try out these headphones, you being one of them." he chuckled. "Hmmm. Maybe I should add noise-cancellation to my list of discussion topics. Germaneigh wants me at their university in a couple weeks. Some new material would be nice."
"I suppose you'll need them then." the princess sighed. "I was looking forward to trying them out."
"Well, I don't know how well they work on ponies yet." he said. "How about this? Use them until the battery runs out. I still have my solar power at home and I can charge them back up later. If you use them in your free time, that should get you a good eight hours with them. I can pick them after the weekend."
The princess gave a light squeal before returning to her calm and regal self. John chuckled as he placed the headphones on the adapter atop her head. He flipped the switch. Princess Celestia's eyes widened in surprise as the noise-cancellation kicked in. He lifted one of the ears.
"I better get back to Ponyville." he said. "Twilight thinks she figured out a spell to instantly translate any of the books that have come through. It'll take us all weekend to test it. Just write her a letter if you need me. I'll see you Monday!"
Celestia had to fight her hardest to not hug John after he turned on the headphones. It was so exciting. Besides the classical music playing in her ears, the outside world couldn't be heard. Just like he said it would. After he left, she took a moment to soak it in.
True silence. In her multi-millennia lifespan, she couldn't remember a time where the castle could be this quiet during the day. Among the many Earthly objects in this room, none were as enjoyable as this. Never before could she experience something like this. The harmonic tunes of violins danced on her ears as she walked into the hallway. She could see the mouths of her subjects moving, but all she heard was the song's crescendo.
A walk around sounded nice. Most of her remaining work today consisted of signing paperwork, and dinner would be in a couple hours.
John stretched as he exited the train. He saw ponies wave at him, and he waved back. Twilight's place wasn't too far from the train station, so he figured he could touch base on their weekend project. Being able to translate books from English to Ponish would make sharing them with the public far easier. Not long after he knocked, was the door opened by a purple dragon.
"Hey Spike." John said. "Is Twilight home?"
"Yeah." he answered. "She's going over her notes on that book translating project of yours."
"Is that John?" Twilight asked from within the library.
"Yeah it is." Spike shouted back.
Twilight quickly walked into the doorway, a big smile on her face.
"Hey Twilight." John said.
"Hey John." Twilight said. "How did the meeting go with Princess Celestia?"
"Great." he answered. "They found a pair of noise-canceling headphones, and she's trying them out."
"I have a pot of potato and carrot soup boiling for dinner." she said. "Why not tell me about it over a bowl?"
Celestia wasn't sure what Lulu was saying while they sat at the dining table. Sure, she could see her little sister's lips moving, but what was being said was a mystery. The dulcet tones of a piano were all the sun princess could hear. There were numerous glances to the headphones. A glow of light blue magic, and the sounds of the castle flooded her ears once more.
"Aww." Celestia bemoaned.
"I almost resorted to my Royal Canterlot voice." Luna said. "Another infernal device from John's world no doubt."
"Lulu, it's the most wonderful thing!" she said. "These headphones block out the noises of the world. All I hear is the music they play. Oh it's just divine!"
"Why isn't it stored away with the rest of the Earthly objects?" her sister asked.
"John wanted to know how it worked on ponies, and I was willing to be the test subject." she said plainly.
"We need to be responsible with these things 'Tia." Luna said. "They're artifacts of an alien world, not toys for our amusement."
"Says the one with all of the 'gaming devices' in her room." Celestia said.
"W-Well, you're not the only one John asked to be a test subject." the moon princess retorted. "He needed to know how a pony's mind can be affected by video games. I'm making sure our citizens will be safe when exposed to them."
"Am I not doing the same?" she argued. "Besides, the energy in the device is running low. It will most likely cease functioning by the time I go to bed."
"Good." her sister said as plates of food were brought out. "Perhaps you can go back to working for the kingdom tomorrow."
"Until then, I shall enjoy them." Celestia said as she levitated the headphones back onto her head. The music took over once more.
John yawned and stretched as he closed the front door. He had spent more time with Twilight then expected. They had talked about the science of noise-cancellation, and spells that achieved similar effects. A conversation that carried for hours. Oops! Talking about anything to do with Earth always made him lose track of time.
At least Twilight was kind enough to let him stay for dinner. Meant he didn't have to cobble a late-night meal together in his abode. He tossed off his jacket and kicked off his shoes. He went into his bedroom, and changed into his pajamas. He got into bed, and was out like a light. The beds in Equestria were beyond perfectly comfy. Sleeping was never an issue. He opened his eyes to see himself standing on a cloud in the sky.
"Greetings John." a familiar voice said.
"Evening Princess Luna." he said as he turned to her on the same cloud as him. "How are you?"
"We are well." she answered. "Sister has been enjoying the latest device from your world. A little too much for our taste."
"I hope the headphones haven't caused trouble." he said.
"At dinner, she said their power is near to nothing." she said. "She had been using them since you two departed."
"If she falls asleep with them on, they'll be dead by morning." he assured the princess. "So unless she finds a way to charge it with her magic, you'll be fine."
"We appreciate your assurances." the princess said. "Well, the duties of the night must continue. Rest well John."
"Night Princess Luna!" John said as the princess disappeared in a flash.
Celestia smiled as the sun rose before her. It was a new day. Although not all was well. The special headphones she had worn all afternoon yesterday, were out of power. No longer could the beautiful symphonies of classical Earth music dance on her ears. The rushing of wind. The echoing of steps. The whispers of voices. She knew it would all return as soon as she left her room.
She looked to her desk. The headphones, and the adapter that allowed her to wear them sat upon it. Oh how she wished she had kept one of John's "solar panels" when they were first brought in. Using the sun to give the device the electrical charge it needed. She levitated the headphones in front of her.
"Hmm." she pondered with a sly smile. "John did say he wanted to test the viability of charging electrical devices with magic. It'd be a shame not to help him with his scientific inquiries."
She looked to the notes on her desk. A written copy of John's lecture on how electricity charged devices. She had read it from time to time. Using it as a reference, she found the charge port. It was exciting, working with alien technology like this. Now for the challenging part.
A small spark of energy came from the tip of her horn. The arc slowly traveled into the charge port. According to the notes, most devices have a visual or audible indicator when it receives enough power to charge the battery. Slowly, she increased the amount of energy. After a few intense seconds, a small green light appeared next to the charge port. She squealed with delight as she levitated the charging headphones and the adapter next to her as she walked out the room.
"...and they all lived happily ever after. The End." John said.
"Great story Mr. John!" Scootaloo said.
A number of other foals nodded in agreement. Their teacher, a dark pink mare, stepped forward.
"I'm so glad you were willing to come in to read them another story from your world." she said.
"It was my pleasure, Ms. Cheerilee." he said. "I'm happy to share them."
"Can he read another?" a colt asked.
"Yeah! Another!" a filly said.
"Now now." Cheerilee said. "Mr. John's already read three stories. Which is two more than we already planned for."
"Awwwwww." the students moaned in unison.
"How about this?" John asked the foals. "If you all behave and listen to your teacher, I'll come back next week. I'll even have a new story you haven't heard yet."
The fillies and colts looked amongst each other before they looked back to John. Quick nods were seen. A smile was shared between the human and the teacher.
"Well, I better get going then." he said as he stood up. "It was fun reading to all of you."
"Bye Mr. John!" the students said as he walked out.
He gave a wave as he left the schoolhouse. He wasn't too many steps out before Cheerilee poked her head out.
"Bribing the students with another story to keep them behaving?" she asked. "That's a new one."
"If anything, it'll get you a week of peace." he said.
"That's a better gift than all the teaching supplies you gave me." she said.
The two shared a laugh, then parted ways. John needed to get to Twilight. She wanted to work on the translation spell, and he was behind schedule. He had a hard time saying no to those adorable faces. He was glad Cheerilee stepped in, because he probably would've kept going.
As he walked through Ponyville, he could hear rumblings coming from the distance. He had been told in the past it was the echoes of one of the princesses using their Royal Canterlot voice. Apparently it was quite loud. He had only picked up bits and pieces. Something about taking something off? Oh well. As he came upon the library, a flash of light could be seen coming from the windows.
"WHERE IS HE?" a voice bellowed.
Every fiber of his being told John to turn and run. He had learned it was best to listen to your gut instinct in Equestria. He immediately turned around to walk to his house. He could hear the slam of a wooden door being kicked open. He could feel the icy chill of a harsh stare behind him.
"YOU!" the feminine voice reverberated in his ears.
Before he could run, John felt his body lift into the air. A light blue aura surrounded him. He saw numerous ponies bow at whoever was was behind him. Royalty no doubt. Princess Luna walked in front of him. Eyes bloodshot and baggy. It was almost noon. Why was she up so late?
"M-Morning Princess Luna." John said nervously, unsure of this sudden anger from the moon princess.
"She learned to charge them with magic." she said bluntly. "You caused this problem, you're fixing it."
A part of Luna felt a little bad for being so rude to John. Although the situation threw tact out the window. She had spent the past few hours trying to get through to her sister. Celestia had figured out how to charge those special headphones with magic. Removing them with magic was impossible, as her sister's magical hold was not budging. Hours of sleep had been lost. Her throat was becoming sore from using her Royal Canterlot voice so much. The only creature that knew this device was the one that gave it to her sister in the first place. So she teleported to Ponyville, since she knew he spent most of his weekends with Twilight on Earth book translations. After this was all over, she would have to formally apologize for abducting and teleporting him. The two stood outside her bedroom door.
"She's refused to leave her room since breakfast?" he asked.
"That infernal device is nothing but trouble!" she said. "My sister is outright ignoring her duties as a princess because of it!"
"I never thought I would see an instance of a pony becoming addicted to Earth technology so soon." he said. "I figured you would've been the first, given the natural addictive nature of video games."
After an angry snort, the two entered the bedroom. There she was, sat upon her comfortable seat. Her head bobbing up and down to whatever song she was listening to. John walked around her, observing. Her sister's eyes were closed, oblivious to the world around her. He reached over, and tried to flip a switch on the side of the headphones. It didn't budge.
"She even has a hold on the power switch." he said. "Fascinating."
"Perhaps I should remind you that you can't leave the castle until those headphones are off 'Tia's head."
"Well, we have two possible plans." John said. "Option A: you get some kind of magic-nullifying device to use on her."
"Alicorns are too powerful for such devices to have any effect." Luna said.
"Well, then." he said. "Option B: distraction."
"Distraction?" Luna asked.
"Quite simple." he said. "Distracting her with something tempting using one hand, while the other hand removes the object in question. Is there anything that can distract her like that?"
A smile came upon Luna's face. She had just the thing.
John watched with fascination as Princess Celestia absolutely devoured the slice of cake in front of her. He had heard the princess' love for cake, but he wasn't aware of the extremity. He looked at the headphones in his hand. It was surprisingly easy to take them off. She didn't even react. A mental note to ask more about this cake phenomenon later. He put the headphones around his neck. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out his notebook with a pencil in the spiral.
Subject Princess Celestia has shown extreme levels of addiction to the noise-cancelling headphones. She even managed to make the breakthrough of charging an Earth device with magic, just to continue using it. More research into the unusually high level of addiction is certainly needed. Need to consider stricter policy on usage of Earth devices outside of controlled environments going forward.
John closed his notebook, and slid it back into his pocket. He looked back to Princess Celestia, who had just polished off the plate. She looked up, and around. She saw her tired-eyed sister glare at her. She saw John with the headphones. Her ears flattened.
"I guess I liked the headphones a little too much, John." Celestia said.
"Perhaps a few centuries on the moon will teach you some self-control." Luna muttered.
"Hold on you two." John said. "Luna, that is not how you deal with addiction. All it'll do is make her want it more."
"I appreciate your mediation, John." Celestia said.
"Oh you're still in trouble." he said. "As one of the ruling princesses of Equestria, you have a responsibility to be attentive to your duties. Using this device to slack off will never end well. What if we were invaded while these were on? What if something dangerous broke out of Tartarus and attacked?"
"It's just...they were so wonderful to wear." she said. "I haven't experienced a silent daytime castle in millennia. When you offered to let me try them, I couldn't help myself."
"Since we can't banish her to the moon, how are supposed to punish her?" Luna asked. "She still needs to learn to not repeat that again."
"I have a solution." John said.
"Please share." Celestia said.
"Three things." he said as he looked at Celestia. "One: you must complete your duties today, as well as assist your sister to make up the hours of sleep she lost."
"That is fair." Luna said.
"Two: you must write me a report on the importance of not becoming addicted to Earth devices." he said. "I expect it by the end of the day tomorrow."
"Reasonable." Celestia said. "What is third part? I can't imagine anything else."
John smiled.
It is to the surprise of some that I would be writing a report. Any other time an incident would take place in Equestria that required royal intervention, it would often be me expecting a report on the things that happened, and the lessons learned. It seems that even in my countless centuries of experience, I still have something that can be taught to me. For the first time, I find myself as the cause of trouble. While I wish I could say that it was a relatively harmless issue, there is no excuse. I am a princess. A ruler of Equestria. I set the example for others to follow. I must continue to do so.
The incident begins with John, our residential alien from Earth. During a round of routine portal testing, another object from Earth came through. They appeared to be an advanced variant of headphones. After consulting with John, I was told they were special. "Noise-canceling headphones" he had said. They had the ability to block out all noise that wasn't coming from the headphones. In my hasty excitement, I wanted to try them for myself. John had tried to warn me of the potential addictive nature. In hindsight, I should've listened to him. As soon as they were turned on, all I could hear was the Earth-style classical music the headphones were already playing. In the moment, it was amazing. No longer was the endless noise of the castle pestering my ears. No. Only the sultry tones of violins, pianos, and more. The next several hours were peaceful as could be.
At dinner, Princess Luna had expressed her concern of me treating the alien artifact like a toy for my amusement, and she was right to do so. I had used the device for selfish desires under the guise of being a test subject. My sister was a genuine test subject who had experience with Earth technology with far more addictive properties. Yet, she was and still is still able to perform her duties as princess of the night. I should've taken her warnings to heart.
The next morning, the special headphones had run out of power. In my desperate need to have the pure silence return, I turned to a report John had written on how Earth technology was charged by electricity. He had also been wanting to test a theory on charging devices with magic. Rather than perform the procedure in a lab the proper way, I attempted to do so in my bedroom. Given what John had told us of the dangers surrounding overcharged batteries, I was lucky I got the charge correct the first try. Doing that was reckless, and outright dangerous.
In the future, I will listen to the advice of those with more experience with Earth technology. It is clear that even alicorns are not immune from their addictive properties. While I will miss the peace and quiet the headphones brought, I have to understand that those types of experiences are best enjoyed in small bursts. Until I truly learn my lesson, I will accept the punishment laid out for me. It is the right thing to do.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
With a flash of her horn, the report was teleported away. It would appear on John's living room table. It was ages since she had to write a report. It reminded her of her days with Starswirl a little bit.
Alright. No more putting it off. She had a punishment to get to. With another flash of her horn, the princess was in the caverns just below the castle. The metal door to the lab was just in front of her. She entered. A number of ponies in white coats were milling about a white room. Some were studying objects from Earth. A few were going over a number of chalkboards, each filled to the brim with notes. One of them only had one message in big bold letters: DO NOT LET PRINCESS CELESTIA USE EO-NP-14! ORDERS FROM PRINCESS LUNA!
'Earth Object Noise Producer Fourteen' was most likely the noise-canceling headphones that got her into this in the first place. One of the scientists looked over from the chalkboard. A faded blue coat of fur and short gray hair. He smiled as he trotted over. A few scientists followed.
"Ah. Princess Celestia." he said as he bowed his head. "So nice to see you."
"Good day to you, Inquiring Mind." Celestia said. "I believe you were told why I am here today."
"Yes, I was." he said. "For yesterday's incident, you have to work under me. At least until you can truly understand the importance of why we're so careful with Earth technology."
"I am looking forward to what you can teach me." she said.
"We're looking forward to learning about how you charged an Earth device with magic." Inquiring said. "We have a lot of devices that need a recharge to continue their testing."
"Then we better get started." Celestia said.
One would think with all the lectures he had given at universities around the world in the last few years, John would be well versed in handling crowds. Yet no. A small part of him still had stage fright. Although once he got into his rhythm, it tended to fade away. He looked over his notes as the primatology professor was speaking to the students. He couldn't understand the native language of Germaneigh, but he was told that the students all spoke Ponish just fine. At least he didn't have to deal with a translation spell again. Worst headache ever.
"Please give a warm welcome, to John Doe!" the professor said.
John stood up from his seat just off stage. He smiled as he walked towards the podium. A cacophony of excited hooves stomped the auditorium floor. He had originally had this lecture planned for one of the lecture halls. It seemed that there were so many students that signed up for the lecture, they had to move to the auditorium to accommodate. The massive crowd was somewhat intimidating, but John knew he just had to focus on his talking points. He laid out his notes on the podium, then took a deep breath.
"Hello." he said. "I'm sure you're all excited to hear me talk about the wonders of Earth technology. Alien artifacts that can accomplish things with no magic. However, I want to start our lecture with something a little different. I know many of you wish to work your way into a primatology degree, then become an Earthologist in Equestria. One aspect of Earth technology all Earthologists must know, is the potential dangers my home world's technology holds. Not all dangers are deadly. Some are purely psychological. Some devices are inherently addictive, to the point of possible obsession. An addiction that can be so powerful, Princess Celestia herself can fall victim to it. She did, in fact. To the point where Princess Luna and I had to intervene to stop her obsession from spiraling out of control."
Whispers and gasps filled the auditorium. Princess Celestia's incident wasn't publicly known, so it made for a great topic to cover. The surprised looks on their faces meant he definitely had their full attention.
"Yes." John continued. "Princess Celestia, princess of the sun. Even she can fall for the dangers Earth technology can present to an unprepared pony. The Earthologists had procured a new item from their portal testing. They were a device called 'noise-canceling headphones', a subject I will cover in detail later. For context though, they possess the ability to cancel out all outside noises to the ears of the user. These headphones in particular, had a massive collection of Earth-style classical music embedded in them. So all you would hear, was the operatic tones from every song. Even the loudest of shouts to your face, would be rendered mute by these headphones. In her excitement to experience this wondrous sensation, Princess Celestia immediately put them on. I tried my best to warn her of the potential addiction of pure silence. I made the mistake of assuming that as the great sun princess, she would be able to control herself. I was wrong. She had refused to take them off for the entire day since the moment I put them on her head. Even the next day when the headphones had run out of power, she used her own magic to charge them. She had become so obsessed with the silence, that noise was unacceptable. It took not only myself, but Princess Luna and the castle staff to get those headphones off."
The ponies in the auditorium looked at John with shocked silence. None of them had ever considered how dangerous alien technology could be. Even he, now realized that. Ponies never had to deal with a device designed to keep you addicted to it. The Earthologists in Equestria had adapted quickly, due to their own policies on handling artifacts. That didn't make up for what had happened with Princess Celestia.
"This is why my lecture started with that story." John said. "Researching alien artifacts is nothing beyond exciting. However, it comes with risks that you deserve to know. While the dangers are minimal, they are still there. If you feel you can handle all of that, then this is the lecture for you. If not, I'll understand if you want to leave."
All of the students shuffled into their seats. All ears flicked towards him. John smiled.
"Then let's continue." he said.
