SAW-CLUE: A Dark Comedyby JerryTheHouseGhostChaptersDo You Want To Play a Board Game?It Was ____ In The ____ With The ____I Can't Make Cupcakes With YouI'm Not Cleaning That UpWhat Are You Even Doing!?!?PrologueDo You Want To Play a Board Game?"Do you want to play a game?" "Huh?" Twilight Sparkle was woken up by a weird voice; it was low-pitched and a little raspy. She looked around and saw that she was waking up in the middle of Ponyville. "Why am I here? Oh no! Was I raped again!?!?!" "What? No!" replied the voice. "That's a relief. Wait, who said that?" "Me." "Who?" "Me!" Twilight was beginning to get annoyed. "WHO!?" "ME!?" "Dammit! Where are you!?" "Here." "Where- Oh, never-mind!" "Why are you so angry? I only asked if you wanted to play a game!" "Don't play games with me, voice!" "I'm using the stupid intercom system, you fool! Just shut up, and let's start over! Do you want to play a game?" "Sure; what game?" "Have you ever played Clue?" "Huh? Clue? I can't say that I have." "What!? You know, the popular board game where you go around a mansion and try to guess who killed somepony?" "Nope; I've never even heard of it." "I can't believe you." The voice sighed. "Sorry." "Well, getting on with the game, there's a dead pony in your house-" "What!?" "-and you have to try and figure out who killed her." "Why is there a dead pony in my house!?" "That's not important. What's important is the twist." "What twist?" "Every time you falsely accuse somepony, I kill a random pony." "So if you want me to catch a murderer, why would you be killing ponies?" "That's irrelevant to what your task is." "This game sucks already. I'd rather play the quiet game with Fluttershy, even though I know I'd lose." "Well that's too bad; you have no choice." "Well, I might as well go find that dead pony." Twilight began heading to her house. She saw some random ponies talking with each other, and decided to ask them something rather important to the situation. "Did you ponies hear a weird voice coming from the intercom system?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I did," said one of the ponies as the other one nodded. "Well, shit. That means I'm not crazy," said Twilight. She resumed her trot towards her home. As Twilight passed by a building, she spotted a poster on it. She decided to stop and check it out. MISSING: Berry Punch Whoever finds her will be given a reward of 1000 bits "Holy shit, Berry Punch, why are you always missing!?!?!?" Berry Punch was always getting kidnapped by a lot of ponies. Almost every single resident of Ponyville has kidnapped her at least one. She had also been murdered on some occasions. "1000 bits!? Who would be willing to pay 1000 bits to somepony just for finding an alcoholic mare?" Twilight decided that talking to herself was a waste of time, and continued heading home. She finally made it to her house, and found that the door was ajar. Oh great, thought Twilight, I've been robbed again. She opened the door and began to walk through. Once she made it inside, a loud, screeching voice said "nevermore!" This scared the shit out of Twilight. "Holy shit! What the-" she spotted a raven perched atop a bookshelf to her right. "Oh, god damn it! Not you again! Get the hell out of my house!" The raven took off from the bookshelf and flew through the doorway. "Later, bitch!" yelled the raven as it left. "Good riddance!" yelled Twilight. She walked into the kitchen and saw a freshly dead Berry Punch on the ground. There was a nice little blood puddle around the carcass, and her intestines were removed and draped around the kitchen. Twilight stood there, looking at the whole scene in silence. She finally broke the silence by calling for Spike. "Spike! Spike! SPIKE! SSPPIIIIIKKKEE!!!" "What is it this time, you old bitch!?" yelled Spike as he entered the kitchen. "What the hell is all of this shit!? Did you finally snap and kill a pony!?" "No! I just walked in here and found this dead bitch on the floor! And where did you learn that language, you failure of a dragon!?" "I have no idea!" "I'll blame Rainbow Dash for the time being." "Wait a minute..." Twilight was deep in thought. She was trying to remember something that she thought was important. "Oh! Spike, I'm about to be a thousand bits richer!" Twilight beginning to head towards the front door when the intercom voice began to speak. "Stop right there! Don't forget about what your task is at the moment," said the voice. "To collect my reward of a thousand bits?" "No! To solve the murder of that pony in your kitchen." "You just want those bits for yourself, you greedy bastard! They're mine! All mine!" Twilight wasn't going to let this voice get between her and the bits that she obviously deserved. "If you leave this house, I'm going to kill you!" "You have a way with words." "Solve the murder, please." "Hold on, why is there an intercom inside of my house?" "You mean you never noticed?" "Why would there be an intercom inside of my house!?" "There's an intercom installed in every house around here." "Why?" "Well, you don't want to know what Ponyville was used for a while back..." "Okay then... How am I supposed to tell you about my verdict for this murder?" "Just tell me the murderer and the murder weapon, and you'll be good to go." "Really? It's that easy? Well then, it was probably Rainbow Dash with her dumb tortoise." "So you're telling me that you think it was one of your best friends?" "Yep, is there a problem with that?" "Not at all. But you think she killed that mare with her pet tortoise? Why does that make any sense to you?" "Tortoise shells are hard, man! I've even thought about killing ponies with it myself a few times." "Why would she beat a pony with her tortoise? Wouldn't that kind of thrashing about hurt or even kill it?" "Berry Punch's death may not be the only murder I've solved with that; we may have a murder case of a certain tortoise on our hands now." "You haven't solved anything, and I just killed a pony." "I hate you." "Yeah, I get that a lot." It Was ____ In The ____ With The ____It Was ____ In The ____ With The ____ "Who did you kill?!" demanded Twilight. "You'll find out sooner or later," said the voice. "What's that supposed to mean!? It's not like somepony's just gonna show up at my door and tell me-" "Hey Twilight, Derpy just pushed a big red button that released a guillotine blade, which came crashing down upon Carrot Top's head." Vinyl Scratch had walked in through the door, which had been left open. "Contrary to popular belief, she bled blood instead of carrot juice. By the way, I'm having a concert tonight, and I was wondering if you could make it." "Carrot Top is dead?" asked Twilight. "Yeah." "And Derpy caused it?" "Yep; just pressed the button and WHAM! she was dead! Or maybe it was more of a slice... Hmmm..." "Why the hell aren't you caring about a death that just happened!?" "...Or maybe it was more of WASLASH! Yeah! That's it! WASLASH! I should use that sometime. What's that, Twilight?" "Get the fuck out of my house." "Okay, see ya at the concert!" How does Octavia live with that? thought Twilight. "Stop thinking to yourself," said the intercom voice. "Wha-" Twilight was abruptly pulled out of her train of thought. "How'd you know I was thinking to myself?" "Whenever you just stand there looking out into nothing; it's pretty obvious. You're not even the only one who does that! Haven't you ever noticed how everypony just randomly stops and stares?" "Uh, no. I haven't." "Oh, wait, that's because it is actually just you!" "Are you trying to make me feel bad or something? Because I don't think that's the best idea if you want me to solve this murder case." "You've got a point there." "Hold on," Twilight just remembered that it was Derpy who caused Carrot Top's death. "Are you Derpy?" "What? No. Derpy just happened to be the one who pressed my button." "How did she end up pressing the button right when you said you killed a pony?" "It's a long and hard process." "That's what she said," said Spike, who had been eating Berry Punch's intestines the whole time. "Holy shit, Spike! Why are you eating those!?" "I'm hungry?" "No! They could have AIDS!!!!" "Psh, I'm fine; I'm pretty sure I'm immune to AIDS, Twilight." "I guess you're right." In Memory of Spike 2010 - 2012 Died of Pony AIDS "I'm always right." "But still, stop eating Berry Punch's intestines; it's sick." "Whatever." Spike dropped the part of Berry Punch's lower intestine he was gnawing on, and it landed on the floor with a nice little 'pleh' sound. He looked around for a while before deciding to leave the house and go stalk Rarity for a little while. Twilight decided to go check out the scene outside. When she closed the front door, she wanted to make sure nopony else would just walk into her house. Twilight went back in to get the key, but it was nowhere to be found. "The god-damned raven took my key!" She ran outside and started yelling to the sky. "I'll kill you, raven! You hear me!?!? I'LL KILL YOU!!!" The raven flew overhead, the key in its talons, and shit at Twilight, but it missed by just an inch. Twilight didn't take this lightly. "Oh, fuck you!! If that's how you want this to go, so be it!" Twilight's horn started to glow, and so did the raven. The raven started to yell at Twilight. "You'll never get your key back! Your magic can't effect m-" The raven exploded. Blood rained down on to Twilight's face. "HAHAHA! That's what you get, you piece of shit!" Twilight looked down to where the key had fallen, and saw Sweetie Belle standing next to it, also covered in the raven's blood, jaw dropped. "Where did you come from? How long have you been standing there?" "I got here when you were yelling at the raven." Answered Sweetie Belle nervously. "What's a 'fuck?' " "It's nothing, forget that I ever said that word. You should go wash your face before you do anything else, Sweetie Belle." "Okay, Twilight..." Sweetie Belle walked over to the hose attached to Twilight's house as Twilight began heading to the bloodiest part of Ponyville. As Twilight got closer to the scene, one scream got louder and louder. She saw a pony with blood all over its body that was just screaming nonstop. She appeared to be the only pony that was close enough to get blood all over her like that. Twilight saw that the pony also had a chunk of brain on her head as well. "Oh my god! Why would you do this!?" Twilight asked. "Who are you talking to?" asked a confused-looking Cherilee. "The intercom over there," said Twilight, as if everypony knew exactly what she was talking about. "Uh... Okay..." "She's talking to me," said the voice. "Oh, okay. For a minute there, I thought you had gone crazy, Twilight." "I have gone crazy, Cherilee." Cherilee chuckled. "Oh, Twilight, you've always been a joker." "No I haven't..." "Now, to answer your question," started the voice, "I did this because I thought it would motivate you to find the killer." "It motivates me to find you as well as the killer. Well, the original killer, since this now makes you a killer as well." "I would suggest trying to find the killer instead of me; it would be an easier process, and you actually have a chance of finding them." Twilight looked over at Carrot Top's carcass. Her head was cleanly cut in half diagonally from her ears to the middle of her lower jaw. The other half of her head was being examined by a group of ponies about five feet away. "Why is there only one pony besides me who seems to care about all of this?" Twilight was looking at the pony that was screaming nonstop. "What do you mean by 'all of this?' " asked a pony that was standing next to the screaming one. "Uh, the fact that a pony has just had a gruesome death in front of at least a dozen other ponies." "Is that was this is?" "What else would it be!?" "Huh... Interesting..." the pony looked over at the upper-half of Carrot Top's head. "Oh! So that's what that is!?" "Really, you just realized that was part of a head?" Twilight had a very disappointed look on her face. "Part of a head!?" The pony looked at the half of a head again. "Holy shit, you're right!!!" "What did you think it was when you first thought you knew?" "I honestly have no idea." Twilight turned her attention to the dead body. "When did this guillotine even get here!?" "I've already told you that you don't want to know what Ponyville was used for a while back," said the voice. Twilight looked at nearest intercom. "Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go collect my reward money for finding Berry Punch." "If you do that, I'll kill another pony," said the intercom voice. "Oh yeah!? Well I'll kill you!!" Twilight thought about the chances of that actually happening. "Up yours. I really want that money." "You know you could do it after you solve the murder, right?" "I guess..." Twilight suddenly heard a 'crash' to her left and looked over in time to see Rainbow Dash fly out of Sugarcube Corner with blood coming from her right wing. "What the fuck is happening in this town!?!?" I Can't Make Cupcakes With You"Did you do that!?" Twilight was talking to the intercom again. "No," said the voice. "I find that hard to believe." Twilight heard incoherent yelling coming from the open door of Sugarcube Corner. "Is that-" All of the sudden, Pinkie Pie came bursting through the doorway, looking every direction until she laid her eyes on Twilight. "Pinkie Pie?" "Hey Twilight, did you see Rainbow Dash fly outta here?" asked the pink one. "Uh, yeah. Why did she look hurt?" "Hurt? Haha, why would she be hurt?" "I don't know, but she appeared to be bleeding. I don't think healthy ponies bleed." "She's probably just on her period or something." "I don't think she'd bleed from her wing if she was on her period, Pinkie Pie." "She's on her period, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie yelled right into Twilight's face. If one looked closely enough, they could almost see fire in Pinkie Pie's eyes. Twilight and Pinkie Pie were just staring at each other after that outburst. Pinkie Pie appeared to become normal again. "Well, I guess I can't make cupcakes with her now. Maybe tomorrow." "Cupcakes? There's no need to get angry, Pinkie Pie; I can help you make the cupcakes," said Twilight. "You can't help your friend make cupcakes! You've got to solve this murder!" said the voice. "Hey! Fuck you! I do what I want!" "Who are you talking to?" asked Pinkie Pie. "You," replied Twilight. "Okay," Pinkie Pie said slowly. She began to examine Twilight. She poked her left side with a hoof, slightly pulled on her tail, and then finished it off by drawing a circle around Twilight's cutie mark with a marker. "Hey! Why'd you do that!?" asked Twilight, who was caught off guard. "Sorry, Twilight, but I can't make cupcakes with you. Well, at least not today." "What!? You can make cupcakes with anypony! Hold on; is this because I threatened Gummy's life on his last birthday?" "What?" "I guess not..." "What did you just say about Gummy?" "Nothing. I didn't say anything about Gummy." Pinkie Pie took another look at Twilight's cutie mark. "What color would you say your coat is?" Twilight looked down at what she could see of her coat. "Uh... I don't know." "C'mon, just say the first color that comes to your head when you see your coat." "Pale, light-grayish mulberry." Pinkie Pie stopped examining Twilight's coat. "Uh, what?" "You told me to say the first color that comes to my head when I look at my coat, and I did." "Uh... Okay... Well, it appears as though I have an opening for me to make cupcakes out of- I mean, with you." "Okay, great! When do we start?" "Whenever you want to eat this cupcake." Pinkie Pie pulled a cupcake out of nowhere. "Why do you already have a cupcake if we're going to be making them?" "Oh, no, this is is from an old batch that nopony wants anymore..." "And you think that I would want it?" "...Yes..." Not wanting to offend Pinkie Pie, Twilight did the only thing that she could. "Okay, I'll eat it now, then." Twilight took a bite out of the cupcake. "Holy shit! This thing is horrible!" Twilight took another bite just to make sure that the cupcake was really that bad. It was. "How old is this!?" "Well, I've had it since Berry Punch disappeared the third time." "That was almost a year ago! Why would you keep such an old cupcake!?" "It had stuff in it that I didn't want to waste." "Like what? A rotting corpse!?" Pinkie Pie didn't respond. She just stared into Twilight's eyes. Twilight became very uncomfortable. "It's not really a rotting corpse is it...? Pinkie? Because if it's a rotting corpse..." "Goodnight, Twilight," Pinkie Pie finally said, "sweet dreams." "How did you know I was tired? It was supposed to be a secret!" said Twilight before she passed out and fell to the ground. Twilight awoke on a cold metal table. "Wow, I had the stupidest dream ever!" said Twilight as she attempted to get off of the table, but with no luck. "Huh? what the!?" She found that she had been strapped to the chilled table with thick leather straps. "Leather!?!? Ah shit!" "I'm glad to see you've finally made it out of your sub-conscious illusions of happiness and virtue," said Pinkie Pie, whom Twilight couldn't see. "What? Where am I!?" asked Twilight as she desperately tried to shake herself free from the straps. "That doesn't matter! What matters is that I'm going to make cupcakes with you soon!" Pinkie Pie finished off that sentence with a creepy laugh. "I don't think I'd be of much help to you if I'm strapped down like this the whole time. You realize that, don't you?" "Can't you see!? Heehee! It's only me, who'll be-" "Are you starting to sing one of your songs?" asked Twilight, "because I'm kind of on a time constraint here, and I really need to make these cupcakes and get out of here!" "Well well well, you aren't like the others I've made cupcakes with in the past," said Pinkie Pie. "What's that supposed to mean?" "You really don't realize what's actually going on here?" "Of course I do; we're supposed to be making cupcakes, but you're just making it take longer than-" Twilight spotted a bucket of blood with what appeared to eyeballs floating in it. "-what the fuck?" She looked up and saw entrails hanging from the rafters. Also hidden up in the rafters was what appeared to be Pinkie Pie. "Hey, what are you doing up there?" Twilight asked the Pinkie Pie who was standing next to her. "You know what? Don't answer that." Twilight looked back up to where she had seen Pinkie Pie, but she wasn't there anymore. A shiver shiver went down Twilight's spine. "I'm going crazy little by little." "Do you see something in here you recognize?" asked Pinkie Pie. "You?" asked Twilight. "Other than me. I'll give you a hint: It belongs to a certain little filly." Twilight began to look around the room. "I can't find anything I recognize," said Twilight. "Really? I thought I placed Scootaloo's skin and mane somewhere around here," said Pinkie Pie. "Is it that stupid-looking piece of shit over there?" asked Twilight. "No-" Pinkie Pie turned her attention to where Twilight was looking. "-yes..." "That's supposed to be Scootaloo? It looks like a giant pile of shit!" "Well that's because it is a giant pile of shit. You see, I got hungry, and Scotaloo's skin was the only thing available at the time, and-" "I get the idea," said Twilight. "Now, the first thing I'm going to take from you is your beautiful horn," said Pinkie Pie. "You've got to be kidding me," said Twilight. "You see, I would just forcefully pull it off with my hooves, but that's gotten boring. What I'm going to do is jump from the rafters up there and catch it mid-air. My momentum should easily snap it off." "Huh, I didn't take you for the science-y type," said Twilight. "There was science in what I just said?" asked Pinkie Pie. "You know what, never-mind." And so Pinkie Pie climbed up into the rafters and carefully positioned herself in the perfect spot. "I feel like I'm having the stupidest case of déjà vu right now," said Twilight. "Are you ready?" Pinkie Pie excitedly asked. "Well, no." "Too bad! Here I go!" "Why even ask?" Pinkie Pie jumped from the rafters straight at Twilight's head. She reached out with her front hooves. She was definitely ready to grab hold of Twilight's horn and let physics do the rest. Well, until she collided head-first into Twilight's horn. The horn went as far into Pinkie Pie's head as it could. Blood spurted out onto Twilight's face, and Pinkie Pie's body became limp on top of Twilight. Twilight lay motionless for a little while before saying "I have never been a more awkward situation than this." How am I supposed to get out of this? thought Twilight. She then remembered the magic stick that she had coming out of her head. Oh yeah. Twilight began casting the levitation spell to get Pinkie Pie off of her. After Pinkie Pie was of of Twilight and on the ground, Twilight began to think about which spell might be able to help her get free from the table. She then remembered that she had the ability to teleport. "How am I even a unicorn?" she asked out loud, but there was no answer. She looked around and realized that there were no intercom speakers in this room. "Oh, that explains a lot." Twilight teleported herself off of the table. She looked down at Pinkie Pie's dead body. "Stay here," Twilight told the motionless corpse. Twilight had seen stairs earlier, and she decided to go up them to attempt to find a way out. There was a door that appeared to have no way to lock, so Twilight reached out her hoof and, sure enough, opened it up. She found herself behind the counter at Sugarcube Corner. There was a pony looking at the display case with all of the pastries inside of it. "Oh, hey, can I get a cupcake?" asked the pony. Twilight began to vomit profoundly all over the floor. "Woah! Jeez Louise!! I'll just come back later, then!" I'm Not Cleaning That UpTwilight's vomit touched her hoof. "Oh god dammit! Now I need to clean my hoof!" The pony that was about to leave turned around and stared at Twilight, who was covered in the newly-dead Pinkie Pie's blood. "What the fuck are you looking at!?" Twilight demanded. "You," replied the pony, who started to grin creepily. "Well stop it! You're creeping me out!" "Okay." The pony didn't stop his stupid smile. Twilight jumped over the counter and began beat the crap out of him. He still didn't stop grinning. "What is wrong with you!?" Twilight was a little scared. "I don't know." The pony glanced over at the door to the basement. "Mind if I take a look in your basement?" "Well it's not mine, so go ahead." The creepy pony slowly walked over to the basement door, opened it, stepped through, looked at Twilight and said, "thank you," then slowly closed the door. "What the fuck was his problem?" asked Twilight. "I have no idea," answered the intercom voice. "Oh FUCK! I forgot you existed!" "How did you forget that?" "I was down there for, like, six months!" "It was only about ten minutes. How could you think it was six months!?" "Well, you know what they say: Time flies when you're having fun! Wait... Never mind. I didn't have any fun down there." "Did she, uh... Did she... Rape you?" "I wish! I would have had a better time if that were the case." "Well then... What did happen?" "Pinkie was going to brutally murder me, but she fell on my horn and bled all over me. I always knew she had it in her." "The murderous ways?" "No; the blood." "Oh..." "It was Pinkie Pie with one of her knives." "What?" "I'm accusing Pinkie Pie of being the murderer." "Oh. Well, in that case, you're wrong." "Well in that case, fuck you!" Twilight turned her head away from the intercom. "Hey, don't be like that! At this rate you'll find the killer in no time!" "Really!?" "Yeah! You'd know it's the killer because they'd be the only one alive besides you and I." "Sounds good!" "Wait, you wouldn't care if you're the last pony alive in Ponyville?" "Yeah, fuck those ponies!" Twilight then remembered something. "Wait a minute! If nopony would be alive, then I'd never get my reward for finding Berry Punch!" "Really? You forget about almost everything when you were in the basement except the reward?" "How could I forget about a chance to get free bits!?" The sound of screaming came from outside. "Dammit! Why can't there be just one day where nopony screams!?" Twilight walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck her head outside. "Shut the fuck up!" "No!" yelled a pony. "I'm gonna come out there and beat your ass!" "I dare you!" yelled the same pony. "The last person who dared me to do something... Died soon after..." Twilight ran outside and started beating the pony's ass. "Oh holy shit! Somepony save me!" Twilight leaned towards the pony's head and whispered in its ear, "Not even Celestia can save you now." She broke the pony's back two legs so hard that they started bleeding out of their ears. "Aaaaaahhh!!! You whore!" Another pony screamed. "Are you fucking kidding me!?" Twilight looked for the source of the scream. "I'll break your legs too!" Twilight saw a giant glass box with a pony trapped inside of it. "Which one of you fucking assholes got trapped inside of a glass box!?" Twilight walked closer and saw that it was Lyra. "Oh, you idiot! How did you get yourself trapped inside of a completely airtight giant glass box!?" Lyra looked at Twilight. "I don't know! I was looking at Bon Bon, then I looked away, and when I looked back I was trapped inside of a glass box!" "Wow, that sounds physically impossible." "Now I can't find Bon Bon! Where are you, Bon Bon!?" Twilight looked down at the floor of the glass box. "Uh... I think I found Bon Bon..." Bon Bon was crushed flat underneath the giant glass box. If somepony were to examine the mess close enough, they would probably be able to see every single organ contained inside of a pony's body, except not inside of a body at the moment. "That's a lot of organs," said Twilight. Lyra looked down at Bon Bon's flattened corpse. "So, that's Bon Bon?" "If she was right next to you before this giant glass box appeared, then it's safe to say that she's the one crushed underneath it." "Yes!" Lyra excitedly yelled. "My captor is finally dead, and now I'm free!" "Except you're still inside of that glass-" "I can return home now!" A puff of green smoke appeared out of nowhere and enveloped Lyra. When the green smoke dissipated, Lyra had vanished. "Holy shit..." Twilight was at a loss for words. Just like Lyra, the giant glass box suddenly disappeared into thin air. "What the fuck just happened!?" Twilight looked around at the other ponies, who didn't seem to be as perplexed as she was. "Did-... Did I get pickpocketed or something?" The ponies around Twilight began to disperse and go about the day as if nothing had happened. "What-... Where are you all going!?" Twilight looked at Bon Bon's carcass. "You're all just leaving with this laying in the middle of the street!? I'm not cleaning that up!" Twilight saw Sweetie Belle walking by. "Oh, hey Twilight!" "Sweetie Belle! Just the filly I was looking for! Wanna come over here for a second?" "Sure!" Sweetie Belle pranced over to Twilight. "What's up?" "Yeah, uh... You wanna clean this up?" "What is it?" "Uh..." Twilight made a break for it and galloped away. "Sucker!" What Are You Even Doing!?!?"Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on Sweetie Belle... Oh well." Twilight had stopped galloping once she reached Carousel Boutique. "Well, I might as well go ask Rarity if she's the killer." "Now you're just going to ask ponies if they're the killer?" asked the voice over the intercom. "Yeah, it actually seems like a good idea. Wait, where were you last chapter?" "Last chapter? What?" "Uh, thirty minutes ago." "I was here." "Yeah? Well you didn't say shit." "Sorry for not saying anything about the random shit that just happened. Because I definitely knew what to say. You weren't doing any better, seeing as though some filly pickpocketed you while you were just standing there with your mouth wide open." "So I was pickpocketed!? MOTHERFUCKER!!!" "Did somepony just say my name?" Rarity walked out of her stupid dress shop. "What? I said your name, like, five minutes ago." "Yeah, I heard that too, but I'm talking about just now." "I just said motherfucker..." "Oh, uh... Yeah, that's definitely not my secret name that I use... Sometimes..." "Well I'm here to ask you if you're the murderer." "Murderer?" "Yeah, some asshole murdered Berry Punch-" "Fuck that bitch." "-and now some bigger asshole is forcing me to find the killer." "Fuck him too." "You're really mean, Rarity." "How am I an asshole in this situation?" asked the intercom voice. "Because I could have the reward money for finding Berry Punch's dead rotting corpse, but nnnooooooo, you just had to make me not do that, and now everypony's dying. Ass." "Like everything would have been better if you had gotten the reward money." "... Well?" "What?" "Are you not going to take me back in time to show me what would have happened if I had gotten the reward money?" "What the fuck are you even talking about?" "Well I GUESS NOT!!!" "Who are you even talking to?" asked Rarity. "The voice that's been forcing me to do this shit." "Oh, well then. Fuck you, voice!" "What did I ever do to you!?" "You existed!" "Fuckin bitch!" "Oh, you did not just call me a bitch on my own turf! I will hunt you down and slap your shit! You hear me!?" "Oooohh, I'm so scared!" "Yeah, you better be! If I were you, I wouldn't want your shit slapped by me!" "What does that even mean!?!?" "It means I'ma beat yo ass!" "Aren't you supposed to be the element of generosity?" "Yeah, I am! I'll give you a generous ass-beating, bitch!" "You're not even threatening! You're a white unicorn with diamonds as a cutie mark! How can I take you seriously!?" "I'm gonna rape you!" "... What?" "I said I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!" "Holy shit, Rarity, can you calm down!?" Twilight yelled. "Stay out of this, Twilight! I have no quarrel with you!" Rarity turned to look at the intercom that was always in her house but she hadn't noticed it until now. "This is between me and that sexy voice!" "... I'm confused..." said the sexy intercom voice. "Could you just shut the fuck up for a second!" Twilight yelled again. "Okay," said Rarity. "Are you the killer or not?" "No, but I am a serial rapist who's also been accused of multiple hate crimes." "That's disturbing. Why are we even friends?" "Because I haven't raped you yet." "Yeah, I guess." "And also because I make you free dresses." "Yeah, we're still friends." "Are you kidding me!?" asked the voice. "She just admitted to being a rapist, and you stay friends with her." "You're just jealous because she doesn't make you dresses!" "You're all insane. But you happen to be the most sane insane pony, which is why I chose you." "Ass." Twilight heard banging noises coming from behind her. She turned and saw Rarity ripping part of the wall off. "What are you even doing!?!?" "I'm gonna rape the voice, Twilight. I'm a mare of my word." "Why are you destroying your home!?!?" "He's in the walls, I tell ya! THE WALLS!!!" "You don't even know what he looks like!" "I can imagine!" With that, Rarity crawled inside of the wall and disappeared out of site. "What the fuck is wrong with everypony in this town!? I swear, one day they were all normal, then the next day I woke up in the middle of Ponyville and they were all CRAZY SADISTIC ASSHOLES!!!" "Twilight!" "Yes, Rarity?" "I'm stuck!" "So?" "I'm stuck and I forgot my rape-shoes." "... Rape-shoes?" "Yeah, you know, the shoes made specially for rape!" "Why would I know anything about those? Do shoes even exist!?" "Twilight?" "What now!?" "I'm stuck." "What do you want me to do about that?" "Help me, Twilight! I have so much to live for!" "Fine! Stand back." "I can't move, idiot!" Twilight blasted some magic at the wall, which violently exploded. "Are you still stuck?" "I can't feel my legs." "Are you still stuck!?" "Yes." "Well too bad for you. Get yourself unstuck." There was suddenly an explosion inside of the wall, which created a giant hole in the side of Carousel Boutique. "Uh... Rarity?..." Twilight walked over to the hole and looked around in the wall. "Where the fuck did you go?" "I think she blew herself up..." said the voice. "Who's gonna make me dresses now!?!?" "I can make you dresses if you'd like." Sweetie Belle was on the other side of the hole. "Holy shit! You scared the FUCK out of me, Sweetie Belle!" "Sorry." "And I saw those costumes you made for the talent show! There was an extra leg." "That wasn't the final product!" "What will I use the fifth leg for!? MY DICK!?!?" "... What?" "Nothing. Did you finish cleaning up Bon-Bon?" "Uh..." "The mess on the street." "Oh, yeah." "That's good." Twilight paused for a moment. "Do you know how to fix walls?" PrologueSomewhere in Equestria "We're all going to stand up and yell 'Hey! We're your rulers now!' " "Who are you talking to?" "Shut up, sis'! I'm trying to rally my cult over the internet!" "What did mom say about cults last time?" "That I need to 'stop drinking the blood of the innocent' and how I should 'grow up and get a job.' " "And have you stopped drinking the blood of the innocent?" "...No..." "And have you grown up and gotten a job?" "...No..." "Then get off your ass, get out of the damn basement, and get a job!" "You're making me angry!" "So what? What are you going to do about it?" "I'm going to get off my ass-" "Yeah?" "I'm going to leave the basement-" "Yes?" "And I'm going to kill somepony!" "What?"
Do You Want To Play a Board Game?"Do you want to play a game?" "Huh?" Twilight Sparkle was woken up by a weird voice; it was low-pitched and a little raspy. She looked around and saw that she was waking up in the middle of Ponyville. "Why am I here? Oh no! Was I raped again!?!?!" "What? No!" replied the voice. "That's a relief. Wait, who said that?" "Me." "Who?" "Me!" Twilight was beginning to get annoyed. "WHO!?" "ME!?" "Dammit! Where are you!?" "Here." "Where- Oh, never-mind!" "Why are you so angry? I only asked if you wanted to play a game!" "Don't play games with me, voice!" "I'm using the stupid intercom system, you fool! Just shut up, and let's start over! Do you want to play a game?" "Sure; what game?" "Have you ever played Clue?" "Huh? Clue? I can't say that I have." "What!? You know, the popular board game where you go around a mansion and try to guess who killed somepony?" "Nope; I've never even heard of it." "I can't believe you." The voice sighed. "Sorry." "Well, getting on with the game, there's a dead pony in your house-" "What!?" "-and you have to try and figure out who killed her." "Why is there a dead pony in my house!?" "That's not important. What's important is the twist." "What twist?" "Every time you falsely accuse somepony, I kill a random pony." "So if you want me to catch a murderer, why would you be killing ponies?" "That's irrelevant to what your task is." "This game sucks already. I'd rather play the quiet game with Fluttershy, even though I know I'd lose." "Well that's too bad; you have no choice." "Well, I might as well go find that dead pony." Twilight began heading to her house. She saw some random ponies talking with each other, and decided to ask them something rather important to the situation. "Did you ponies hear a weird voice coming from the intercom system?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I did," said one of the ponies as the other one nodded. "Well, shit. That means I'm not crazy," said Twilight. She resumed her trot towards her home. As Twilight passed by a building, she spotted a poster on it. She decided to stop and check it out. MISSING: Berry Punch Whoever finds her will be given a reward of 1000 bits "Holy shit, Berry Punch, why are you always missing!?!?!?" Berry Punch was always getting kidnapped by a lot of ponies. Almost every single resident of Ponyville has kidnapped her at least one. She had also been murdered on some occasions. "1000 bits!? Who would be willing to pay 1000 bits to somepony just for finding an alcoholic mare?" Twilight decided that talking to herself was a waste of time, and continued heading home. She finally made it to her house, and found that the door was ajar. Oh great, thought Twilight, I've been robbed again. She opened the door and began to walk through. Once she made it inside, a loud, screeching voice said "nevermore!" This scared the shit out of Twilight. "Holy shit! What the-" she spotted a raven perched atop a bookshelf to her right. "Oh, god damn it! Not you again! Get the hell out of my house!" The raven took off from the bookshelf and flew through the doorway. "Later, bitch!" yelled the raven as it left. "Good riddance!" yelled Twilight. She walked into the kitchen and saw a freshly dead Berry Punch on the ground. There was a nice little blood puddle around the carcass, and her intestines were removed and draped around the kitchen. Twilight stood there, looking at the whole scene in silence. She finally broke the silence by calling for Spike. "Spike! Spike! SPIKE! SSPPIIIIIKKKEE!!!" "What is it this time, you old bitch!?" yelled Spike as he entered the kitchen. "What the hell is all of this shit!? Did you finally snap and kill a pony!?" "No! I just walked in here and found this dead bitch on the floor! And where did you learn that language, you failure of a dragon!?" "I have no idea!" "I'll blame Rainbow Dash for the time being." "Wait a minute..." Twilight was deep in thought. She was trying to remember something that she thought was important. "Oh! Spike, I'm about to be a thousand bits richer!" Twilight beginning to head towards the front door when the intercom voice began to speak. "Stop right there! Don't forget about what your task is at the moment," said the voice. "To collect my reward of a thousand bits?" "No! To solve the murder of that pony in your kitchen." "You just want those bits for yourself, you greedy bastard! They're mine! All mine!" Twilight wasn't going to let this voice get between her and the bits that she obviously deserved. "If you leave this house, I'm going to kill you!" "You have a way with words." "Solve the murder, please." "Hold on, why is there an intercom inside of my house?" "You mean you never noticed?" "Why would there be an intercom inside of my house!?" "There's an intercom installed in every house around here." "Why?" "Well, you don't want to know what Ponyville was used for a while back..." "Okay then... How am I supposed to tell you about my verdict for this murder?" "Just tell me the murderer and the murder weapon, and you'll be good to go." "Really? It's that easy? Well then, it was probably Rainbow Dash with her dumb tortoise." "So you're telling me that you think it was one of your best friends?" "Yep, is there a problem with that?" "Not at all. But you think she killed that mare with her pet tortoise? Why does that make any sense to you?" "Tortoise shells are hard, man! I've even thought about killing ponies with it myself a few times." "Why would she beat a pony with her tortoise? Wouldn't that kind of thrashing about hurt or even kill it?" "Berry Punch's death may not be the only murder I've solved with that; we may have a murder case of a certain tortoise on our hands now." "You haven't solved anything, and I just killed a pony." "I hate you." "Yeah, I get that a lot."
It Was ____ In The ____ With The ____It Was ____ In The ____ With The ____ "Who did you kill?!" demanded Twilight. "You'll find out sooner or later," said the voice. "What's that supposed to mean!? It's not like somepony's just gonna show up at my door and tell me-" "Hey Twilight, Derpy just pushed a big red button that released a guillotine blade, which came crashing down upon Carrot Top's head." Vinyl Scratch had walked in through the door, which had been left open. "Contrary to popular belief, she bled blood instead of carrot juice. By the way, I'm having a concert tonight, and I was wondering if you could make it." "Carrot Top is dead?" asked Twilight. "Yeah." "And Derpy caused it?" "Yep; just pressed the button and WHAM! she was dead! Or maybe it was more of a slice... Hmmm..." "Why the hell aren't you caring about a death that just happened!?" "...Or maybe it was more of WASLASH! Yeah! That's it! WASLASH! I should use that sometime. What's that, Twilight?" "Get the fuck out of my house." "Okay, see ya at the concert!" How does Octavia live with that? thought Twilight. "Stop thinking to yourself," said the intercom voice. "Wha-" Twilight was abruptly pulled out of her train of thought. "How'd you know I was thinking to myself?" "Whenever you just stand there looking out into nothing; it's pretty obvious. You're not even the only one who does that! Haven't you ever noticed how everypony just randomly stops and stares?" "Uh, no. I haven't." "Oh, wait, that's because it is actually just you!" "Are you trying to make me feel bad or something? Because I don't think that's the best idea if you want me to solve this murder case." "You've got a point there." "Hold on," Twilight just remembered that it was Derpy who caused Carrot Top's death. "Are you Derpy?" "What? No. Derpy just happened to be the one who pressed my button." "How did she end up pressing the button right when you said you killed a pony?" "It's a long and hard process." "That's what she said," said Spike, who had been eating Berry Punch's intestines the whole time. "Holy shit, Spike! Why are you eating those!?" "I'm hungry?" "No! They could have AIDS!!!!" "Psh, I'm fine; I'm pretty sure I'm immune to AIDS, Twilight." "I guess you're right." In Memory of Spike 2010 - 2012 Died of Pony AIDS "I'm always right." "But still, stop eating Berry Punch's intestines; it's sick." "Whatever." Spike dropped the part of Berry Punch's lower intestine he was gnawing on, and it landed on the floor with a nice little 'pleh' sound. He looked around for a while before deciding to leave the house and go stalk Rarity for a little while. Twilight decided to go check out the scene outside. When she closed the front door, she wanted to make sure nopony else would just walk into her house. Twilight went back in to get the key, but it was nowhere to be found. "The god-damned raven took my key!" She ran outside and started yelling to the sky. "I'll kill you, raven! You hear me!?!? I'LL KILL YOU!!!" The raven flew overhead, the key in its talons, and shit at Twilight, but it missed by just an inch. Twilight didn't take this lightly. "Oh, fuck you!! If that's how you want this to go, so be it!" Twilight's horn started to glow, and so did the raven. The raven started to yell at Twilight. "You'll never get your key back! Your magic can't effect m-" The raven exploded. Blood rained down on to Twilight's face. "HAHAHA! That's what you get, you piece of shit!" Twilight looked down to where the key had fallen, and saw Sweetie Belle standing next to it, also covered in the raven's blood, jaw dropped. "Where did you come from? How long have you been standing there?" "I got here when you were yelling at the raven." Answered Sweetie Belle nervously. "What's a 'fuck?' " "It's nothing, forget that I ever said that word. You should go wash your face before you do anything else, Sweetie Belle." "Okay, Twilight..." Sweetie Belle walked over to the hose attached to Twilight's house as Twilight began heading to the bloodiest part of Ponyville. As Twilight got closer to the scene, one scream got louder and louder. She saw a pony with blood all over its body that was just screaming nonstop. She appeared to be the only pony that was close enough to get blood all over her like that. Twilight saw that the pony also had a chunk of brain on her head as well. "Oh my god! Why would you do this!?" Twilight asked. "Who are you talking to?" asked a confused-looking Cherilee. "The intercom over there," said Twilight, as if everypony knew exactly what she was talking about. "Uh... Okay..." "She's talking to me," said the voice. "Oh, okay. For a minute there, I thought you had gone crazy, Twilight." "I have gone crazy, Cherilee." Cherilee chuckled. "Oh, Twilight, you've always been a joker." "No I haven't..." "Now, to answer your question," started the voice, "I did this because I thought it would motivate you to find the killer." "It motivates me to find you as well as the killer. Well, the original killer, since this now makes you a killer as well." "I would suggest trying to find the killer instead of me; it would be an easier process, and you actually have a chance of finding them." Twilight looked over at Carrot Top's carcass. Her head was cleanly cut in half diagonally from her ears to the middle of her lower jaw. The other half of her head was being examined by a group of ponies about five feet away. "Why is there only one pony besides me who seems to care about all of this?" Twilight was looking at the pony that was screaming nonstop. "What do you mean by 'all of this?' " asked a pony that was standing next to the screaming one. "Uh, the fact that a pony has just had a gruesome death in front of at least a dozen other ponies." "Is that was this is?" "What else would it be!?" "Huh... Interesting..." the pony looked over at the upper-half of Carrot Top's head. "Oh! So that's what that is!?" "Really, you just realized that was part of a head?" Twilight had a very disappointed look on her face. "Part of a head!?" The pony looked at the half of a head again. "Holy shit, you're right!!!" "What did you think it was when you first thought you knew?" "I honestly have no idea." Twilight turned her attention to the dead body. "When did this guillotine even get here!?" "I've already told you that you don't want to know what Ponyville was used for a while back," said the voice. Twilight looked at nearest intercom. "Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go collect my reward money for finding Berry Punch." "If you do that, I'll kill another pony," said the intercom voice. "Oh yeah!? Well I'll kill you!!" Twilight thought about the chances of that actually happening. "Up yours. I really want that money." "You know you could do it after you solve the murder, right?" "I guess..." Twilight suddenly heard a 'crash' to her left and looked over in time to see Rainbow Dash fly out of Sugarcube Corner with blood coming from her right wing. "What the fuck is happening in this town!?!?"
I Can't Make Cupcakes With You"Did you do that!?" Twilight was talking to the intercom again. "No," said the voice. "I find that hard to believe." Twilight heard incoherent yelling coming from the open door of Sugarcube Corner. "Is that-" All of the sudden, Pinkie Pie came bursting through the doorway, looking every direction until she laid her eyes on Twilight. "Pinkie Pie?" "Hey Twilight, did you see Rainbow Dash fly outta here?" asked the pink one. "Uh, yeah. Why did she look hurt?" "Hurt? Haha, why would she be hurt?" "I don't know, but she appeared to be bleeding. I don't think healthy ponies bleed." "She's probably just on her period or something." "I don't think she'd bleed from her wing if she was on her period, Pinkie Pie." "She's on her period, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie yelled right into Twilight's face. If one looked closely enough, they could almost see fire in Pinkie Pie's eyes. Twilight and Pinkie Pie were just staring at each other after that outburst. Pinkie Pie appeared to become normal again. "Well, I guess I can't make cupcakes with her now. Maybe tomorrow." "Cupcakes? There's no need to get angry, Pinkie Pie; I can help you make the cupcakes," said Twilight. "You can't help your friend make cupcakes! You've got to solve this murder!" said the voice. "Hey! Fuck you! I do what I want!" "Who are you talking to?" asked Pinkie Pie. "You," replied Twilight. "Okay," Pinkie Pie said slowly. She began to examine Twilight. She poked her left side with a hoof, slightly pulled on her tail, and then finished it off by drawing a circle around Twilight's cutie mark with a marker. "Hey! Why'd you do that!?" asked Twilight, who was caught off guard. "Sorry, Twilight, but I can't make cupcakes with you. Well, at least not today." "What!? You can make cupcakes with anypony! Hold on; is this because I threatened Gummy's life on his last birthday?" "What?" "I guess not..." "What did you just say about Gummy?" "Nothing. I didn't say anything about Gummy." Pinkie Pie took another look at Twilight's cutie mark. "What color would you say your coat is?" Twilight looked down at what she could see of her coat. "Uh... I don't know." "C'mon, just say the first color that comes to your head when you see your coat." "Pale, light-grayish mulberry." Pinkie Pie stopped examining Twilight's coat. "Uh, what?" "You told me to say the first color that comes to my head when I look at my coat, and I did." "Uh... Okay... Well, it appears as though I have an opening for me to make cupcakes out of- I mean, with you." "Okay, great! When do we start?" "Whenever you want to eat this cupcake." Pinkie Pie pulled a cupcake out of nowhere. "Why do you already have a cupcake if we're going to be making them?" "Oh, no, this is is from an old batch that nopony wants anymore..." "And you think that I would want it?" "...Yes..." Not wanting to offend Pinkie Pie, Twilight did the only thing that she could. "Okay, I'll eat it now, then." Twilight took a bite out of the cupcake. "Holy shit! This thing is horrible!" Twilight took another bite just to make sure that the cupcake was really that bad. It was. "How old is this!?" "Well, I've had it since Berry Punch disappeared the third time." "That was almost a year ago! Why would you keep such an old cupcake!?" "It had stuff in it that I didn't want to waste." "Like what? A rotting corpse!?" Pinkie Pie didn't respond. She just stared into Twilight's eyes. Twilight became very uncomfortable. "It's not really a rotting corpse is it...? Pinkie? Because if it's a rotting corpse..." "Goodnight, Twilight," Pinkie Pie finally said, "sweet dreams." "How did you know I was tired? It was supposed to be a secret!" said Twilight before she passed out and fell to the ground. Twilight awoke on a cold metal table. "Wow, I had the stupidest dream ever!" said Twilight as she attempted to get off of the table, but with no luck. "Huh? what the!?" She found that she had been strapped to the chilled table with thick leather straps. "Leather!?!? Ah shit!" "I'm glad to see you've finally made it out of your sub-conscious illusions of happiness and virtue," said Pinkie Pie, whom Twilight couldn't see. "What? Where am I!?" asked Twilight as she desperately tried to shake herself free from the straps. "That doesn't matter! What matters is that I'm going to make cupcakes with you soon!" Pinkie Pie finished off that sentence with a creepy laugh. "I don't think I'd be of much help to you if I'm strapped down like this the whole time. You realize that, don't you?" "Can't you see!? Heehee! It's only me, who'll be-" "Are you starting to sing one of your songs?" asked Twilight, "because I'm kind of on a time constraint here, and I really need to make these cupcakes and get out of here!" "Well well well, you aren't like the others I've made cupcakes with in the past," said Pinkie Pie. "What's that supposed to mean?" "You really don't realize what's actually going on here?" "Of course I do; we're supposed to be making cupcakes, but you're just making it take longer than-" Twilight spotted a bucket of blood with what appeared to eyeballs floating in it. "-what the fuck?" She looked up and saw entrails hanging from the rafters. Also hidden up in the rafters was what appeared to be Pinkie Pie. "Hey, what are you doing up there?" Twilight asked the Pinkie Pie who was standing next to her. "You know what? Don't answer that." Twilight looked back up to where she had seen Pinkie Pie, but she wasn't there anymore. A shiver shiver went down Twilight's spine. "I'm going crazy little by little." "Do you see something in here you recognize?" asked Pinkie Pie. "You?" asked Twilight. "Other than me. I'll give you a hint: It belongs to a certain little filly." Twilight began to look around the room. "I can't find anything I recognize," said Twilight. "Really? I thought I placed Scootaloo's skin and mane somewhere around here," said Pinkie Pie. "Is it that stupid-looking piece of shit over there?" asked Twilight. "No-" Pinkie Pie turned her attention to where Twilight was looking. "-yes..." "That's supposed to be Scootaloo? It looks like a giant pile of shit!" "Well that's because it is a giant pile of shit. You see, I got hungry, and Scotaloo's skin was the only thing available at the time, and-" "I get the idea," said Twilight. "Now, the first thing I'm going to take from you is your beautiful horn," said Pinkie Pie. "You've got to be kidding me," said Twilight. "You see, I would just forcefully pull it off with my hooves, but that's gotten boring. What I'm going to do is jump from the rafters up there and catch it mid-air. My momentum should easily snap it off." "Huh, I didn't take you for the science-y type," said Twilight. "There was science in what I just said?" asked Pinkie Pie. "You know what, never-mind." And so Pinkie Pie climbed up into the rafters and carefully positioned herself in the perfect spot. "I feel like I'm having the stupidest case of déjà vu right now," said Twilight. "Are you ready?" Pinkie Pie excitedly asked. "Well, no." "Too bad! Here I go!" "Why even ask?" Pinkie Pie jumped from the rafters straight at Twilight's head. She reached out with her front hooves. She was definitely ready to grab hold of Twilight's horn and let physics do the rest. Well, until she collided head-first into Twilight's horn. The horn went as far into Pinkie Pie's head as it could. Blood spurted out onto Twilight's face, and Pinkie Pie's body became limp on top of Twilight. Twilight lay motionless for a little while before saying "I have never been a more awkward situation than this." How am I supposed to get out of this? thought Twilight. She then remembered the magic stick that she had coming out of her head. Oh yeah. Twilight began casting the levitation spell to get Pinkie Pie off of her. After Pinkie Pie was of of Twilight and on the ground, Twilight began to think about which spell might be able to help her get free from the table. She then remembered that she had the ability to teleport. "How am I even a unicorn?" she asked out loud, but there was no answer. She looked around and realized that there were no intercom speakers in this room. "Oh, that explains a lot." Twilight teleported herself off of the table. She looked down at Pinkie Pie's dead body. "Stay here," Twilight told the motionless corpse. Twilight had seen stairs earlier, and she decided to go up them to attempt to find a way out. There was a door that appeared to have no way to lock, so Twilight reached out her hoof and, sure enough, opened it up. She found herself behind the counter at Sugarcube Corner. There was a pony looking at the display case with all of the pastries inside of it. "Oh, hey, can I get a cupcake?" asked the pony. Twilight began to vomit profoundly all over the floor. "Woah! Jeez Louise!! I'll just come back later, then!"
I'm Not Cleaning That UpTwilight's vomit touched her hoof. "Oh god dammit! Now I need to clean my hoof!" The pony that was about to leave turned around and stared at Twilight, who was covered in the newly-dead Pinkie Pie's blood. "What the fuck are you looking at!?" Twilight demanded. "You," replied the pony, who started to grin creepily. "Well stop it! You're creeping me out!" "Okay." The pony didn't stop his stupid smile. Twilight jumped over the counter and began beat the crap out of him. He still didn't stop grinning. "What is wrong with you!?" Twilight was a little scared. "I don't know." The pony glanced over at the door to the basement. "Mind if I take a look in your basement?" "Well it's not mine, so go ahead." The creepy pony slowly walked over to the basement door, opened it, stepped through, looked at Twilight and said, "thank you," then slowly closed the door. "What the fuck was his problem?" asked Twilight. "I have no idea," answered the intercom voice. "Oh FUCK! I forgot you existed!" "How did you forget that?" "I was down there for, like, six months!" "It was only about ten minutes. How could you think it was six months!?" "Well, you know what they say: Time flies when you're having fun! Wait... Never mind. I didn't have any fun down there." "Did she, uh... Did she... Rape you?" "I wish! I would have had a better time if that were the case." "Well then... What did happen?" "Pinkie was going to brutally murder me, but she fell on my horn and bled all over me. I always knew she had it in her." "The murderous ways?" "No; the blood." "Oh..." "It was Pinkie Pie with one of her knives." "What?" "I'm accusing Pinkie Pie of being the murderer." "Oh. Well, in that case, you're wrong." "Well in that case, fuck you!" Twilight turned her head away from the intercom. "Hey, don't be like that! At this rate you'll find the killer in no time!" "Really!?" "Yeah! You'd know it's the killer because they'd be the only one alive besides you and I." "Sounds good!" "Wait, you wouldn't care if you're the last pony alive in Ponyville?" "Yeah, fuck those ponies!" Twilight then remembered something. "Wait a minute! If nopony would be alive, then I'd never get my reward for finding Berry Punch!" "Really? You forget about almost everything when you were in the basement except the reward?" "How could I forget about a chance to get free bits!?" The sound of screaming came from outside. "Dammit! Why can't there be just one day where nopony screams!?" Twilight walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck her head outside. "Shut the fuck up!" "No!" yelled a pony. "I'm gonna come out there and beat your ass!" "I dare you!" yelled the same pony. "The last person who dared me to do something... Died soon after..." Twilight ran outside and started beating the pony's ass. "Oh holy shit! Somepony save me!" Twilight leaned towards the pony's head and whispered in its ear, "Not even Celestia can save you now." She broke the pony's back two legs so hard that they started bleeding out of their ears. "Aaaaaahhh!!! You whore!" Another pony screamed. "Are you fucking kidding me!?" Twilight looked for the source of the scream. "I'll break your legs too!" Twilight saw a giant glass box with a pony trapped inside of it. "Which one of you fucking assholes got trapped inside of a glass box!?" Twilight walked closer and saw that it was Lyra. "Oh, you idiot! How did you get yourself trapped inside of a completely airtight giant glass box!?" Lyra looked at Twilight. "I don't know! I was looking at Bon Bon, then I looked away, and when I looked back I was trapped inside of a glass box!" "Wow, that sounds physically impossible." "Now I can't find Bon Bon! Where are you, Bon Bon!?" Twilight looked down at the floor of the glass box. "Uh... I think I found Bon Bon..." Bon Bon was crushed flat underneath the giant glass box. If somepony were to examine the mess close enough, they would probably be able to see every single organ contained inside of a pony's body, except not inside of a body at the moment. "That's a lot of organs," said Twilight. Lyra looked down at Bon Bon's flattened corpse. "So, that's Bon Bon?" "If she was right next to you before this giant glass box appeared, then it's safe to say that she's the one crushed underneath it." "Yes!" Lyra excitedly yelled. "My captor is finally dead, and now I'm free!" "Except you're still inside of that glass-" "I can return home now!" A puff of green smoke appeared out of nowhere and enveloped Lyra. When the green smoke dissipated, Lyra had vanished. "Holy shit..." Twilight was at a loss for words. Just like Lyra, the giant glass box suddenly disappeared into thin air. "What the fuck just happened!?" Twilight looked around at the other ponies, who didn't seem to be as perplexed as she was. "Did-... Did I get pickpocketed or something?" The ponies around Twilight began to disperse and go about the day as if nothing had happened. "What-... Where are you all going!?" Twilight looked at Bon Bon's carcass. "You're all just leaving with this laying in the middle of the street!? I'm not cleaning that up!" Twilight saw Sweetie Belle walking by. "Oh, hey Twilight!" "Sweetie Belle! Just the filly I was looking for! Wanna come over here for a second?" "Sure!" Sweetie Belle pranced over to Twilight. "What's up?" "Yeah, uh... You wanna clean this up?" "What is it?" "Uh..." Twilight made a break for it and galloped away. "Sucker!"
What Are You Even Doing!?!?"Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on Sweetie Belle... Oh well." Twilight had stopped galloping once she reached Carousel Boutique. "Well, I might as well go ask Rarity if she's the killer." "Now you're just going to ask ponies if they're the killer?" asked the voice over the intercom. "Yeah, it actually seems like a good idea. Wait, where were you last chapter?" "Last chapter? What?" "Uh, thirty minutes ago." "I was here." "Yeah? Well you didn't say shit." "Sorry for not saying anything about the random shit that just happened. Because I definitely knew what to say. You weren't doing any better, seeing as though some filly pickpocketed you while you were just standing there with your mouth wide open." "So I was pickpocketed!? MOTHERFUCKER!!!" "Did somepony just say my name?" Rarity walked out of her stupid dress shop. "What? I said your name, like, five minutes ago." "Yeah, I heard that too, but I'm talking about just now." "I just said motherfucker..." "Oh, uh... Yeah, that's definitely not my secret name that I use... Sometimes..." "Well I'm here to ask you if you're the murderer." "Murderer?" "Yeah, some asshole murdered Berry Punch-" "Fuck that bitch." "-and now some bigger asshole is forcing me to find the killer." "Fuck him too." "You're really mean, Rarity." "How am I an asshole in this situation?" asked the intercom voice. "Because I could have the reward money for finding Berry Punch's dead rotting corpse, but nnnooooooo, you just had to make me not do that, and now everypony's dying. Ass." "Like everything would have been better if you had gotten the reward money." "... Well?" "What?" "Are you not going to take me back in time to show me what would have happened if I had gotten the reward money?" "What the fuck are you even talking about?" "Well I GUESS NOT!!!" "Who are you even talking to?" asked Rarity. "The voice that's been forcing me to do this shit." "Oh, well then. Fuck you, voice!" "What did I ever do to you!?" "You existed!" "Fuckin bitch!" "Oh, you did not just call me a bitch on my own turf! I will hunt you down and slap your shit! You hear me!?" "Oooohh, I'm so scared!" "Yeah, you better be! If I were you, I wouldn't want your shit slapped by me!" "What does that even mean!?!?" "It means I'ma beat yo ass!" "Aren't you supposed to be the element of generosity?" "Yeah, I am! I'll give you a generous ass-beating, bitch!" "You're not even threatening! You're a white unicorn with diamonds as a cutie mark! How can I take you seriously!?" "I'm gonna rape you!" "... What?" "I said I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!" "Holy shit, Rarity, can you calm down!?" Twilight yelled. "Stay out of this, Twilight! I have no quarrel with you!" Rarity turned to look at the intercom that was always in her house but she hadn't noticed it until now. "This is between me and that sexy voice!" "... I'm confused..." said the sexy intercom voice. "Could you just shut the fuck up for a second!" Twilight yelled again. "Okay," said Rarity. "Are you the killer or not?" "No, but I am a serial rapist who's also been accused of multiple hate crimes." "That's disturbing. Why are we even friends?" "Because I haven't raped you yet." "Yeah, I guess." "And also because I make you free dresses." "Yeah, we're still friends." "Are you kidding me!?" asked the voice. "She just admitted to being a rapist, and you stay friends with her." "You're just jealous because she doesn't make you dresses!" "You're all insane. But you happen to be the most sane insane pony, which is why I chose you." "Ass." Twilight heard banging noises coming from behind her. She turned and saw Rarity ripping part of the wall off. "What are you even doing!?!?" "I'm gonna rape the voice, Twilight. I'm a mare of my word." "Why are you destroying your home!?!?" "He's in the walls, I tell ya! THE WALLS!!!" "You don't even know what he looks like!" "I can imagine!" With that, Rarity crawled inside of the wall and disappeared out of site. "What the fuck is wrong with everypony in this town!? I swear, one day they were all normal, then the next day I woke up in the middle of Ponyville and they were all CRAZY SADISTIC ASSHOLES!!!" "Twilight!" "Yes, Rarity?" "I'm stuck!" "So?" "I'm stuck and I forgot my rape-shoes." "... Rape-shoes?" "Yeah, you know, the shoes made specially for rape!" "Why would I know anything about those? Do shoes even exist!?" "Twilight?" "What now!?" "I'm stuck." "What do you want me to do about that?" "Help me, Twilight! I have so much to live for!" "Fine! Stand back." "I can't move, idiot!" Twilight blasted some magic at the wall, which violently exploded. "Are you still stuck?" "I can't feel my legs." "Are you still stuck!?" "Yes." "Well too bad for you. Get yourself unstuck." There was suddenly an explosion inside of the wall, which created a giant hole in the side of Carousel Boutique. "Uh... Rarity?..." Twilight walked over to the hole and looked around in the wall. "Where the fuck did you go?" "I think she blew herself up..." said the voice. "Who's gonna make me dresses now!?!?" "I can make you dresses if you'd like." Sweetie Belle was on the other side of the hole. "Holy shit! You scared the FUCK out of me, Sweetie Belle!" "Sorry." "And I saw those costumes you made for the talent show! There was an extra leg." "That wasn't the final product!" "What will I use the fifth leg for!? MY DICK!?!?" "... What?" "Nothing. Did you finish cleaning up Bon-Bon?" "Uh..." "The mess on the street." "Oh, yeah." "That's good." Twilight paused for a moment. "Do you know how to fix walls?"
PrologueSomewhere in Equestria "We're all going to stand up and yell 'Hey! We're your rulers now!' " "Who are you talking to?" "Shut up, sis'! I'm trying to rally my cult over the internet!" "What did mom say about cults last time?" "That I need to 'stop drinking the blood of the innocent' and how I should 'grow up and get a job.' " "And have you stopped drinking the blood of the innocent?" "...No..." "And have you grown up and gotten a job?" "...No..." "Then get off your ass, get out of the damn basement, and get a job!" "You're making me angry!" "So what? What are you going to do about it?" "I'm going to get off my ass-" "Yeah?" "I'm going to leave the basement-" "Yes?" "And I'm going to kill somepony!" "What?"
