I SWEAR, Babe...it isn't MINE!

by Winter_Solstice

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Shining Armor, Slice of Life
Length: 1697

After college, and before joining the Royal Guard, Shining Armor made some...questionable...life choices...

Right out of college and strapped for cash, Shining Armor decides to do some infomercials for some rather...questionable...business partners. But that was years ago, when he was young and foolish.

Now married, a father, and Co-Ruler of the Crystal Empire, some sordid details of his past resurface as it unexpectedly catches up with him...

Published 2023-04-13 08:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-13 08:40:01 UTC

I've NEVER seen that thing before!

It started out barely noticeable at first. After that first morning's inspection of his Guards, and he'd turned away to assume his other duties, Shining Armor could swear he heard a few of them snickering behind his back. But when he'd turned around and looked, all were as they were: straight-faced and serious, so he shook his head and continued on, convinced he must have imagined it.

But as the days of the week went by, it became harder and harder to ignore: something was amusing them all, and he wasn't in on it.

At breakfast the next morning, he dragged himself to the table, poured himself a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee, and was just about to dig in when his teenage daughter came bouncing into the kitchen. She flounced into her chair, looked over at her Dad, and started giggling as she reached for the plate of toast. Shining turned bleary eyes up at her as he sipped his coffee and mumbled, "Good morning, sweetie...what's got you in such a happy mood?"

She giggled again and said, "Have you ever heard of 'retro TV', Daddy?"

He shook his head. "What's that?"

She smiled. "It's a new/old thing that's just reached The Empire from the rest of Equestria! You can tune into some really old broadcast TV shows from years ago as well as..." and here she giggled again, "...some really funny old commercials!"

He yawned. "That's nice, sweetheart." He pushed the juice jug over to her. "Drink your juice, don't want you to miss out on your vitamins..."

She tittered, "I'm sure the yaks don't miss out on their vitamins!"

He looked sharply at her. "What was that?"

She smiled innocently at him. "Nothing, Daddy!" Grabbing a last slice of toast, she jumped up, pecked him on the cheek, and skipped away, still giggling to herself. He watched her go, then just shook his head.

Teenagers.

Things only got worse from there. Everywhere he went that day, he could hear snickers and whispers. Out of the corner of his eye, he was sure he could see crystal ponies spreading their hooves a few inches apart or making "pumping" motions. Still, when he spun around and faced them directly they would immediately stop and go about their business as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

A dark thought began to creep into his mind, something he hadn't remembered since he'd been fresh out of college. His daughter had mentioned something about..."retro commercials." "Retro" meant 'old', that much he knew, but exactly how old? Five years, ten? Twenty? A suspicion started to grow in his mind. Maybe...maybe he should find one of these..."retro" TVs and watch it for himself...

Having ordered his guards to bring a television up to his private quarters, he quickly dismissed them (ignoring their snickers), settled back in his recliner, and clicked on the remote. He watched a few hours of The Trotting Zone, One Hoof Beyond, and even got caught up on some exciting old episodes of the original series Star Trot, (rather than that current dumpster fire Star Trot: Discovery) but nothing untoward struck him. All the commercials were dull, and out of date, showing products that either nopony used anymore, or could no longer purchase.

He yawned, and was just about the click the TV off when suddenly the screen lit up with bright colors and sensual music, and an all-too-familiar face appeared onscreen and declared,

" 'Ello, lads! Do you 'ave a spot 'o trouble satisfiyin' the ladies? 'Ere yer 'twig an' berries' not up ta snuff? Well, take 'eart, mates! 'Cause I've got, right 'ere in me 'ooves, the answer to all yer worries!" Shining Armor's much younger self proudly held up a clear canister, with a hole at one end and a tube on the other, connected to what looked like some sort of a pump. "That's right, mates! It's the Patented Yakyakistani-made Penis Enlarger Pump®! Just a few minutes a day with this, an' yer bird'll be beggin' you fer more dates! Just call the number on yer---"

Shining clicked the TV off, and sat there in shock.

Sweet Celestia...how many have seen this?! And what will I tell Cadence when she gets back from Canterlot?! I am SOO dead...

The next day, Shining stood waiting, with his entire Honor Guard present behind him, as his wife's chariot touched down. He was trying very hard to keep any hint of discomfort off his face as he came forward, shared a kiss, and helped her down from the step. "Welcome back, hon. I...trust all went well?"

She bounced lightly down and smiled, "Oh, I had the best time, dear! I can't wait to tell you all about it!" Shining forced a smile as they passed through the row of saluting soldiers, noting a few of them struggling to hold a straight face as he passed. He shot each of them a dirty look behind his wife's back, making a mental note to speak to each and every one of them once their shifts were over.

As they finally arrived at their main living quarters, Flurry Heart came bustling into the room and flew up to her mother. "Hey, Mom! Welcome back!" She hugged her and they exchanged kisses, while Shining stood behind them, warily watching her. "I hope you're hungry, because I told the Chef to make us a special meal!" She glanced briefly at her Dad and dimpled, then took her mother's hoof in hers and led her to the dining room. Shining followed them on stiff legs, wondering to himself just what that look meant, but already knowing in his heart of hearts it had something to do with that commercial...

Taking his usual seat at the head of the table, with his wife at his right hoof and his daughter at his left, he reluctantly picked up the bell in his magic and rang it. Instantly, several ponies clad in kitchen livery appeared, along with their Head Chef, all pushing covered dishes to the long table. The staff placed each dish before them, and Shining held his breath as each one was uncovered. He let out the breath he was holding in relief when he saw the food was remarkable, but not... incriminating. But his wife noticed his discomfort, as of course she did.

"Something wrong, honey?" she asked, her fork paused in mid-air.

He again forced a smile, glanced briefly at his daughter (who was keeping her eyes on her own plate, but suspiciously smiling), and said, "No...I'm fine, babe! Why...why don't you tell us about your trip?"

She sweetly smiled and said, "It was rather unremarkable, for the first few days, until Auntie Celestia insisted we take a trip to some of the antique shops down in the older parts of the City." Her eyes had a strange glint to them as she added, "I was able to pick up a few...interesting items there, that I'm sure you'd like to see..."

He raised an eyebrow and walked right into the trap. "Really? What sort of items?"

Cadence cast a brief look at their daughter and said, "Never mind; they're things I'll have to show you later." She leaned forward and lowered her voice. "...in private..."

Shining smiled an oblivious smile and said, "Oh...I see..." He cleared his throat. "Chef, I think we're ready for dessert!"

"Verre good, Your Mazeztee!" replied the Chef, as he stamped his hooves, signaling for the dishes to be brought in. In a twinkling, the dinner dishes were whisked away, and the covered dessert dishes were set before them. There was a pause, and then they were all uncovered at once.

Shining froze as he stared at his plate. Flurry had fallen out of her chair laughing, and Cadence looked up at the Chef and asked, "Monsieur, what is this?"

The Chef nodded at the plates. "Tweegs and Berries, Your Highness."

"Twigs and Berries?"

He nodded again. "Oui, as reequested by your daughter. Eef zay are "not up to snuff," we can replace zem..." Shining's face was covered in sweat by this point. But his wife let him off the hook...for now...

She smiled. "No, Chef, I think we're done here." She pushed away from the table. "Shall we repair to the bedroom, dear?" She stood and leaned over the table to look down at her daughter. "Good night, sweetie. See you tomorrow."

"Goo...good night...M... Mom!" cried Flurry, as she held her stomach and rolled back and forth, with tears flowing down her cheeks as she roared with hilarity.

Cadence carefully lifted her suitcases in her magic onto the bed, as Shining stood behind her. She opened them and then looked over her shoulder. "You do recall my mentioning my visiting a couple of antique shops, don't you dear?"

"Yes..." he answered slowly, sensing a trap at last.

She turned around with an odd object in her magical grip. "Does...this look familiar to you, darling?"

Shining froze, and his eyes almost bugged out of their sockets as he stared at a long, clear, cylindrical object, with an open hole on one end and a tube on the other, connected to what looked like some sort of pump. He began to sweat anew.

"Umm...no, babe...never seen anything like that before!"

She looked closely at it. "Oh, really? The label says it's a 'Yakyakistani-made Penis Enlarger Pump®!'" She levitated it up to his face. "Are you sure you haven't seen one of these before?"

He shook his head as his knees started to shake. "I swear babe, It isn't mine! That sort of thing just isn't something I'm into!"

"Hmm." She dropped the 'pump' back in her suitcase and levitated another object, this time a book. "Then...how do you explain this?!"

His face lost all color as he saw the cover, and read the title: "Yakyakistani-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of This is My Bag, Baby!-- by Shining Armor" featuring a smiling unicorn proudly holding up the very same device.

He slowly met her gaze, and stammered, "I...I can explain..."