Fusser Gets Fussy in Equestria
Once upon a time, in a galaxy not far away at all. There exists a solar system with a planet that can support life. In fact, we start this epic journey upon this very planet, Earth — in case you forgot. For some reason no one knows, untamed floppas roam Floridian streets. These caracals, known in the scientific world as "Fussius Cattus," are typically antisocial creatures. However, their environment forced them to find a way to live among us (vine boom sound effect) and with each other; hence, they form clans. The largest were the Ackers, but one mishap broke the guild into two, the Hissites and Fussites. They are the product of a conflict over territorial claims, a McDonalds on 45th Street. Once united and at peace with one another, they are consumed by constant conflict. Their tactics include fussing, hissing, blaping, swiping, and flop-offs.
It all began on a Floppa Friday when two Acker brothers went to McDonalds for a McBig Piece — which is one massive singular nugget for the biggest of caracals. The brother who would eventually become the alpha of the Fussites, darfmouxha, bought the McBig Piece for them both. His brother who would soon become the alpha of the Hissites, MosharE, always took his piece of the McBig Piece and never paid back his share.
This went on for weeks, darfmouxha buying the McBig Piece while never receiving financial compensation from MosharE. Over and over, MosharE would say he would pay him back, but it never happened.
“Ack! Rrrreerrrrr, ack-hisss.”
Oh, you can’t read Floppite? Fine, I’ll translate for you.
“Ack! Rrrreerrrrr, ack-hisss.” (“MosharE! You will pay me back tomorrow.”) darfmouxha said with a lower, more serious register.
“HISSSSSsssrrrrrrmm.” (“Yeah, yeah. Just give me part of that big piece.”) He was salivating at the mouth.
darfmouxha was hesitant, but gave MosharE half of the McBig Piece anyway. MosharE sank his fangs into the juicy big piece and consumed it on the spot. darfmouxha always thought his brother emulated that of a pig when he ate.
The next day, they returned for their daily McBig Piece. Little did they know this was the day of fussoning.
“Here's your McBig Piece you sweet caracals,” the employee bent over the window to give the big nugget to them.
“Hhhykk,” (“Thanks,”) darfmouxha gave up the money and took the big piece.
MosharE sank his fangs into the big piece while darfmouxha still had it in his mouth.
BLAP! It was the BLAP heard around the world.
darfmouxha flung his paw into MosharE’s face, forcing him to let go.
MosharE scowled. “HISSSSSSSSS!” (“What was that for?!”)
“Hisssss-ack-rrrrmmmmm!” (“Give me my money!”) darfmouxha raised his paw signaling to receive the bread, the green lettuce, the cheese, the dough, the . . . the money.
“Ack! Reeerraarrr” (“In your dreams. I’ve been using you this whole time.”)
“FUSSSSSS!” (“How dare you! Why would you do this to your own brother?”)
"Hyyykkerraawrerrr!" (“I would do anything for the big piece. Now give it up!”) MosharE grabbed the McBig Piece with his mouth and tugged on it. darfmouxha fought back, applying opposing forces on the big piece. The battle between the two fussing and hissing floppas ended when they both dropped the precious McBig Piece. It flopped on the asphalt in slow motion.
They stared fussiliessly at the meat laying in the middle of the drive-thru, then looked at each other. Instantly, they began blapping back and forth letting out quite a muss. darmouxha fussed while MosharE hissed over the McBig Piece. It would have been an infinite battle if a car had not let out the loudest fuss they had ever heard.
"HHYYKKKK," (“You’ll pay for this,”) darfmouxha shouted as they ran in different directions.
"ACK-HHYYKKKK!" (“No I won’t!”) MosharE said before disappearing behind some shrubs.
The next day, MosharE returned to McDonalds for his daily Big Piece. The same employee greeted him, “Hello, sweet MosharE. Where’s your friend?”
“Ack.” (“What friend . . .”)
“Well, if you want your McBig Piece, you’ll have to pay for it.”
“Hisssssss.” (“Ugh, alright.”) MosharE got out some money to pay for his big piece. It was taken, but not by a human hand.
darfmouxha snatched his money, “FUSSSSS!” (“FUSSSSS!”)
“HISSSS! Rrrreeeewwwaarrree?” (“darfmouxha?! What are you doing up there?”)
“FUSSSS?!” (“You were able to pay for this whole time?!”) Steam could have been coming out of darfmouxha's ears.
“Ack-hissss. Krrrreeeerrr?” (“Well, yeah. Do you think I’m poor?”)
"Krrrr-HYYYKKKKrm?" (“Why wouldn’t you just pay me back?”)
"Rrreaerrr? Ack, hhrmm. hhhhykykkkrawer?" (“Because why not have it free? Wait, you didn’t answer me. Why are you up there?”)
"Ack-rreeaerrrhyyk McDonalds. mmMMM-REWARHYYYKYH!" (“I’m the new manager of this McDonalds. You are hereby banned from this establishment of rich meats!”)
"HISSSSS! HHHYYKYHK!" (“HISSSSS! Give me back my money!”)
"Ack-HYK." (“Come and get it.”) darfmouxha jumped inside from the window seal.
“HHHHHK,” MosharE turned around. "Mmmmmrreerrrmm," (“Oh, I’ll come and get it alright,”) MosharE grumbled.
The very next day, darfmouxha was living the high life, gnawing on a McBig Piece he got for himself while sitting on the service window. "Ack-kar'r." (“Ah, it’s good to be the Manager.”)
He’d sit there and fuss at customers as they drove by and collected their food. He liked whenever brave souls left the safe confines of their vehicle to pet him. darfmouxha’s peace ended quickly when a group of ten Hissers emerged from across the street. He sat up and struck a strong pose.
"HISSSSS!" (“I have returned to claim what is rightfully mine!”) MosharE affirmed.
"Ack-hyyk. RRrrewwaawwer!" (“This is cheating. You can’t bring an army to a sibling war!”)
"Mmmmmmm-Big Piece-mmmmm, rewar. Ack-HHHYYKYHEWAR." (“The sibling war was over when the McBig Piece dropped on the pavement, ruined. At that moment, it became a civil war.”)
"Ack!" (“You’ve gone mad.”)
MosharE gave an ultimatum. "Hisssss-ack reaeerrrwarerrrr. Hyyyk, uhDOLF." (“We are taking over this establishment and crowning me Manager whether we have to step over you or not. Your choice, darfmouxha.”)
darfmouxha knew he could not be victorious against MosharE and his army. He knew he stood a better chance with an army of his own. "Mmmrrrrrr . . ." (“You haven’t seen the last of me . . .”) He jumped out and ran through the Walmart parking lot to the north.
The two constantly went back and forth, mobilizing until there was constant war at the McDonalds on 45th Street. They both sat on their cardboard thrones, plotting against one another over the managership of McDonalds, and therefore, the McBig Piece.
The Ackers were no longer united, separated in two. darfmouxha was the alpha of the Fussites, and MosharE the alpha of the Hissites. The Ackers who didn’t want the Great Fuss of 2013 to occur remained united in the middle of the split factions. Since the start of the Great Fuss, they set up a designated neutral zone around the Crossroads Church and 7-11 for the Fussites and Hissites to meet on common ground. It has never been used since.
Our great alpha floppa, darfmouxha, sat upon his partially bitten cardboard throne weeks after the Great Fuss of 2013. He sat amongst his warlord peers, planning the next attack against the Hissites.
"Mmmmmrrrrr—. Reeerrrr KFC mrer, ack? FUSS?!" (“I can’t bear these war rations anymore. Cardboard and KFC buckets, what are we? Vegetarian?!”) Alpha darfmouxha blapped the KFC bucket next to him. A singular half-gnawed tender slid across the ground.
"Rrrrreeawar. Kyhhhrer Cracker Barrel myeh," (“The Hissites aren’t much better off. They have to endure diets of cardboard and Cracker Barrel nuggets,") sweet advisor Malya pointed out.
"Ack-fussss. Rrrewrer big pieces! Mmm-hykrew Walmart?" (“I don’t care what they eat. I care about what we eat: the big pieces! When will our reinforcements reach the Walmart lot?”)
"Krkrkrkreeraw kar'r." (“They should arrive by tomorrow morning, your Floppiness.”)
"Ack." (“Good. I hope we can push them out of the kitchen and keep them out this time. These rude Hissers need to leave us alone once and for all.”)
The Fussites were not the only ones planning a response.
Great Hisser MosharE sat upon a throne of cardboard boxes while speaking with his Director of Hissings.
"Mmmmkrkr, Garmouxha." (“I have a new plan, Garmouxha.”)
"Rrkraw'r?" (“To just end this war and pay darfmouxha the $5 you owe him?”)
"HISS! Ack-McDonalds, mmmmkrkrkr." (“NO! But to end this war, yes. We will reinforce our position at McDonalds, but then we strike at the heart of their lands.”)
"Ack-Hissmrmr, Raer-ack-mmmmmmm." (“But your Hissingestness, that goes against the Floppa Fussy Fusser Sussy Codes! Rule 4 under the Musser article states that you can only conduct a territorial war where it began.”)
MosharE hissed violently at him. "HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!" (“Those are the old Acker laws. We make our own rules now. Reinforce our caracals at the McDonalds, but create a new army and send them right to Fussite HQ as well!”)
Garmouxha darted away with his orders.
"Ka. Mmrer. BIG PIECE raerer-ack." (“Territorial war. Pah. This is much more than that. This is over the BIG PIECE. A war for all things floppa.”)
Garmouxha the loyal sogga Director of Hissings (right) in a meeting with Great Hisser MosharE (left). Colorized
The Fussite meeting had concluded with the promise of nearing victory. Alpha darfmouxha sat at his throne — part of it in his mouth — still contemplating why his dear brother would defy him like this. Mid-thought, he glanced at the half-eaten KFC tender on the grass. His stomach growled, wishing for it to be consumed. darfmouxha let go of his throne’s cardboard armrest and stood up to eat the KFC small piece. He tried to move forward but found himself stuck. Tape had been attached to his hind leg. darfmouxha kicked at it to rip it off but destabilized the entire throne. Every box and cardboard sheet toppled over, trapping him inside a box that was the base of his throne. The weight of all the other boxes kept him inside, no matter how much darfmouxha kicked, scratched, blapped, and bit from the inside of his cardboard confinement.
It was at this moment, the stars and planets aligned in the night sky.
It was weird; the box darfmouxha was in had suddenly changed and was free to move around. Finally able to sense freedom, he blabbed, scratched, and bit at the cardboard box and was soon free. darfmouxha was hesitant to step onto the cold crystal floor at first, as he expected the warm grass of his territory.
With unknown surroundings came mild aggression and the compulsive need to gnaw at everything in close proximity. A pile of nearby books was the first to become a victim of his act of aggression. Not long into his gnawing-of-books session, a small purple horse let out a pleading shriek.
“Ahhhh! No no no!” a unicorn pranced in place, biting her lip.
“Here, kitty kitty kitty.” Her attempt at calming the fussing beast was futile.
“FUSSSSSS!” (ERROR. Translation Offline.) darfmouxha swiped at the hostile horse who was slowly approaching one hoofstep at a time.
Once the purple beast was close enough, she reached out for the caracal.
BLAP!
She backed up once the naughty fusser had blapped at her. In a fuss herself, she took darfmouxha and levitated him off of her books. This made darfmouxha an even worse fusser, to the point of hissing.
“HISSSSSSSS!” darfmouxha shouted, blapping the air hoping to catch the bothersome horse again.
The fussing and hissing, on both sides, paused when a calm but strong voice resonated throughout the treehouse library. “Twilight! Put him down!~Please.”
The pony known as Twilight — or “Twilight the Aggressor” if you asked darfmouxha — gently plopped the fusser on the floor in front of the pile of book corpses. darfmouxha immediately climbed back onto the books, the only territory he could call his own. It was the closest he could feel to comfortable in this unknown realm.
darfmouxha gazed favorably upon the small yellow horse that had apparent control over Twilight the Aggressor. The pink-haired pegasus calmly approached darfmouxha in a way he had never experienced before.
“Hello there.” Her voice was soothing to the caracal’s ears. “My name is Fluttershy. What’s yours?”
“Hhhyykyk,” darfmouxha replied. He was significantly less tense, relaxing his tail and even laying back a little.
Fluttershy smiled, “What a beautiful name! How did you get here?”
“Hykhyhkk. Mmmmrrrmrmrermr-hkykkhhh, FUSSSS! Ack-HISSSSS! Mmmermmrr, hhhhhyk. Ack-kar’r. MmmmrrememrermeMRMERMEMMMM-FUSSSSS.”
“Oh, my. I’m so sorry about all of that, darfmouxha.”
“Can you tell darf to get off my books!” Twilight was sweating bullets wondering what books she had to replace.
“FUSSSSSS,” ‘darf’ fussed, cursing Twilight.
“It’s darfmouxha, Twilight.”
She rolled her eyes and let out a huff. “Okay. Fine. Tell darfmouxha to please get off my books, or what’s left of them . . .”
“darfmouxha-shmouxha? Would you mind being a dear and finding somewhere else to be comfortable?”
He let out a sound that meant he was on the brink of a huge fuss. They usually emulate a revving engine, but more generically a deep rumble. This warning sounded like an active chainsaw, a 7/10 on the globally renowned International Fuss Scale.
“Now, now. Let’s not get in a big tiff. I can make you a nice place to rest outside.”
“HISSSSSSSS—” darfmouxha went, but then Fluttershy began singing a calming tune:
“Ohhhhhh~ The fussy's feeling sussy~ and the sussy is a mussy~ and the mussy's on a nussy~ and the nussy wants a fussy~ BUUUUUT~” then repeated from 'the fussy's feeling sussy' indefinitely until darfmouxha’s temper was tamed.
As she sang, darfmouxha’s head tilted from side to side and his ears began flopping. They were slow flops at first, but over time they were flopping all over the place in pure enjoyment of Fluttershy’s solo piece. Once maximum ear floppage was achieved, Fluttershy ended the song. “—The fussy's feeling sussy~ and the sussy is a mussy~ and the mussy's on a nussy~ but the nussy no longer wants a fussy~ so the sussy fusser mussed all about.”
“Maybe a few boxes with padding will—” darfmouxha got up on his own accord and began walking. “—Ah! Thank you, sweet sweet darfmouxha! I’ll go set up a new resting place for you.”
Twilight jumped for her pile of mangled books, searching desperately for survivors.
A few minutes passed until Fluttershy emerged from the doorway back into the library. “Twilight, you don’t need these boxes, right?”
Not paying full attention, “Yeah, yeah, go for it.”
“Thanks . . . Hey. Have you seen darfmouxha?”
Twilight shot her head straight up with perked ears. “He’s lost in my home?!”
“Calm down, we’ll find him.”
Meanwhile, our great fusser darfmouxha was strolling the streets of Ponyville. He motor-fussed and mildly hissed at ponies he passed. He did not know where he was going, but he knew what he wanted.
“Twilight! We cannot lose this caracal!”
“I know! We have to find it so it won’t jump me in my sleep!”
“Well . . . yes, but no. We have to find him because they aren’t natural in Equestria. darfmouxha said the box he was in teleported him here. According to Legendary Animals Out of This World, the alignment of planets and stars can force animals out of their own realm if in a small, secure space.
“Since when did you get so book-savy?”
“Hehe~ Well, I love a book if it's about animals.”
Twilight noticed something about the front door. “Wait, Fluttershy. Did you leave the door open?”
“No . . .”
They looked at each other, “Oh, no.” They ran for the front door and called out for him.
To find darfmouxha, all they had to do was follow the trail of frightened and concerned ponies. To the shock of absolutely no one, they had found darmouxha. Though, what was surprising was he sat still in front of Sugar Cube Corner, looking upward.
Fluttershy spoke sternly but sweetly. “darfmouxha, that was very sussy of you. I don’t want you to fuss like that again.”
The flopper stared at the top of the bakery, simultaneously swishing his tail with a faint, deep purr.
She squinted at the attic window, “Is that Gummy?”
He was staring back down at darfmouxha as if they were communicating.
Fluttershy rubbed her eyes and looked again, but Gummy was gone. Instead, he was right in front of darfmouxha. She looked at Twilight who was just as confused.
darfmouxha stood up and began to sprint north while Gummy got on top of darfmouxha’s back.
“Where are they going now?” Twilight didn’t have to roll her eyes, her tone said it all.
Out of Ponyville, they traveled through woods, plains, and flowery fields.
Tired of running, Twilight said, “Are you sure I can’t just stop all of this with my magic?”
“No, our little fusser is on a quest,” Fluttershy beamed.
The trip was nonstop until they reached Canterlot Castle. Fluttershy and Twilight were a little behind.
“Halt!” A guard pony demanded, spotting the speeding caracal with a gator passenger.
Gummy casually licked his eye. Suddenly, the guard voluntarily opened the door for them. They continued inside uninterrupted as the guard bowed. Flawlessly, they navigated the halls of the castle before entering the throne room.
At this time, Twilight and Fluttershy finally made it to the entrance. The guard was still bowing and knew they had to be inside. What was happening in the throne room will shock you. Find out — after this commercial break.
Ever wanted one large piece of meat for yourself? Didn’t want to cook dinner or get KFC? Had to end up sharing those ten sad pieces of chicken nuggets? Pout no more! McDonalds McBig Piece is back on the menu! For this month only, you can order a McBig Piece for just $10.99! Comes with a free plastic caracal toy! Collect them all! Garmouxha, Malya, Adolf, Pumba, and Gosha. But wait! There’s more! If you order the McBig Piece in the next week, you could collect the ultra-rare super-duper legendary limited-time edition alpha fussers, darfmouxha and MosharE! Visit your local McDonalds and spend way too much!
Back to your already scripted programming.
BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP. darfmouxha was blapping Princess Celestia on her throne.
“darfmouxha!” Twilight yelped. “Stop that!”
“W-what is the meaning of all this?” Celestia asked while being endlessly fussed at.
“Celestia~" Fluttershy softly began. "Do you mind letting him on your throne? There is a lesson to all of this.”
“If it will help.” She flew over to the others, leaving the throne empty.
Our great fusser jumped onto the throne, claiming it and its power as his own. He and did some circles before posing elegantly. Gummy hopped off his back, into Luna’s adjacent chair.
“Is that it?!” Twilight pointed her hoof at the ridiculous scene.
“Hold on. Let him cook,” Fluttershy walked to the King.
As he looked down upon the approaching creature, his fuss alarm went off. “mmmmmmMMMMMMMMM,” he sounded like a lawnmower — a 10/10 on the International Fuss Scale.
“You did it; you now rule over all that you see,” Fluttershy began.
“Ack,” darfmouxha concurred.
“But what now? You hold the highest power, but are you satisfied?”
“Mmmmmm.”
“What do you want, sweet, sweet fusser darfmouxha?”
“Ack-kar’r!”
“You want a McBig Piece? What would having a McBig Piece do?”
“Kar’r~!”
“It would make you happy?”
“Ack!”
“So what do you really want?”
“. . .” darfmouxha broke his perfect pose to look around himself. “Hyykk’r~”
“Yes. You ultimately just want happiness, but you want to share the joy with another, don’t you?”
“Rreewararrhhk.”
“Then you know what you must do, my dearest flopper. I’ll miss you.”
“Reewarrr’r-ack.”
“I hope my motivation was enough of a big piece.”
“Kar’r~!”
“Twilight, we’re ready for the box now.”
darfmouxha jumped off the throne, leaving it for its next occupant, and went to Fluttershy for the boxening.
Twilight gave Fluttershy a cardboard box she had teleported from her home. Smiling, Fluttershy put it over the mussy flopper. A dim light flashed from inside the box. The fusser returned home.
After the mission was complete, they glanced back at the throne. It was not empty, but instead occupied by Gummy. He licked his eye victoriously.
Back on Earth, darfmouxha blapped out of his transportation device. The outside was revealed to him, along with MosharE and his army . . .
“HHHYKKKH-Ack!” (Loading Translator. Success! — “Wait! I have something to say!”)
“RRRMMMMMMM,” (“Go ahead,”) MosharE prompted.
"Rrreawrer: McBig Piece, hyk. Rewer-kar'r. Krkrkrkrwaer—" (“We both think we want the same thing: a juicy McBig Piece, but that’s wrong. What we both want is happiness. Which is what we get from the big piece, but only if we share it in fairness. If you hear me out—”)
"—Raer." (“—Stop,”) MosharE interrupted.
darfmouxha paused, "Re—" (“but—”)
"Rrreaweerrr. Ack-krkrkr." (“—I want the same thing; just to be happy. I would be grateful if we shared a big piece. I’ll pay for it this time.”) MosharE extended his paw in friendship (omg the thing). "Reewaarr-kar'r-ack." (“I felt . . . empty without you. Even if we were warring.”)
darfmouxha accepted. “Ackers?”
“Ackers.” MosharE nodded.
MosharE, darfmouxha, and both of their crews walked to the McDonalds on 45th Street to order the biggest feast of McBig Pieces, but there was one problem. The war had left the fast-food establishment in complete ruin.
"Kar'r 7-11 rerewawrre. Crossroads Church mmrkrkr." (“Well, there’s that 7-11 down the road the remaining Ackers left for us. Across from the Crossroads Church where we never held peace talks.”)
"M-ack. kyr 7-11 mmrewr." (“Never would have happened anyway. We both know the 7-11 is a better suited place to end wars.”)
The gang of mussy floppers stomped into the 7-11 and ordered seven Big Pieces. These Big Pieces were sandwiches with loads of all kinds of meat.
MosharE, darfmouxha, Pumba, sweet Malya, Adolf, garmouxha, and Gousha - the OG Acker - all sat together and enjoyed a big piece meal for the first time in weeks.
Then it was time to pay for the seven loaded Big Pieces . . .
“That’ll be $44.52,” the cashier held out their hand for payment.
"Ack," (“I’ll get it,”) MosharE suggested.
"M-ack," (“No, it’s okay. I will,”) darfmouxha rebutted.
"Ack! Maer," (“No! I insist,”) MosharE held his own money out to give to the cashier.
BLAP. MosharE’s money fell to the ground. "ACK!" (“I said I got it!”)
"MMM-ACK!" (“Let me get it!”) MosharE demanded.
"MRMRMRMRMR-ACK!" (“No!”) darfmouxha threw his money at the cashier to beat MosharE.
“MMMMMMMMMM!”
“Hhhyykykkkyrrk!”
“HISSSSSS”
“FUSSSSSS”
𝓯𝓲𝓷.
[Applause]
Author's Note
Yes, the name “darfmouxha” is meant to be lowercase, quit fussing around.
