Operation I'M NOT GAY

by Dubs Rewatcher

Rating: teen
Tags: Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Comedy, Micro Chips, Romance, Equestria Girls
Length: 6661

To trick her parents into thinking she's straight, Twilight hires Microchips as a fake boyfriend. Without telling her real girlfriend. There's no way this can go wrong.

In a ploy to convince her parents that she’s straight, Twilight asks Microchips to become her pretend boyfriend. Without telling her real girlfriend, Sunset.

Microchips calculates a 99% chance that he dies tonight.

Judge’s Prize winner in the Equestria Girls Spring Fling Contest.

Pre-read by my heterosexual life partner, Posh.

Published 2023-04-10 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-10 17:00:01 UTC

The Perfect Plan

When Microchips founded the Canterlot High School Anime Club as a freshman, he saw it as a fun way to hang out with his friends on the school district’s dime. But now, halfway through senior year, it had become something else: an excuse to avoid his parents.

Sitting in the back of the Anime Club classroom, he barely paid attention to the movie projected on the whiteboard: the third Rogue X Recon OVA, a rare classic procured only after weeks of scouring sketchy torrent sites. Instead he scrolled through text messages from his parents, grimacing at each ‘inspirational’ SnapGab post they sent him of some twenty-something tech guru with perfect abs, and a fortune made from disrupting the oxygen industry.

They couldn’t care less about his interests. All they ever did was nag him to study more, exercise more, network more – anything to secure him “the best possible future,” in their words. The only reason they'd tolerated him spending time at Anime Club was that running a club looked good on a college application.

He slunk deep into his seat. Why couldn’t they understand that he was a nerd, not some #RiseAndGrind maniac? A geek, not a beefhead?

With no offense meant to beefheads, of course. After all, Bulk Biceps was the Anime Club’s treasurer.

The movie wound to a close and everyone clapped and hollered, except for Trixie, who was still wiping cathartic tears from her eyes. While they all got up to stretch and chat, Microchips headed to the front and unplugged his computer. Already his mind raced with possibilities for next week’s screening. Another classic? Or maybe something more contemporary? He’d caught word of a short avant-garde romance film that just saw its first subbed release…

“Um. Micro?”

With a start, Microchips burst from his thought bubble and looked up. On the other side of the desk stood Twilight Sparkle, eyes pointed down.

Since transferring to CHS last Spring, Twilight had become an Anime Club staple. She suggested movies, recited fun facts, fought in shipping wars — she even arranged a bake sale for the club’s Convention Fund. Maybe she had an opinion on next week’s showcase!

“Salutations!” Microchips said with a wave. “How’d you like the OVA? I think it’s the best of the series!”

Twilight didn’t answer. She was still staring at the floor and wringing her hands in front of her skirt.

Microchips raised a brow. “Are you okay?”

“Yes!” Twilight said, shooting up straight. “I just wanted to—I mean—” She kept stuttering like that for a few moments before stalling out into silence, and then sighing. “Look. I need to ask you a favor, and it’s going to sound really weird at first, so don’t freak out.”

“Twilight, I’ve spent enough time on the internet that I don’t find anything weird anymore.” He crossed his arms and held his chin high. “Hit me.”

Twilight took in a massive breath – then exhaled, “I accidentally let it slip to my parents that I’m dating someone new, but they don’t know it’s Sunset Shimmer and don’t know I’m gay, and now they want me to bring my partner over for dinner tonight to meet them and probably judge them, but I’m scared that they won’t approve of my bisexuality so I can’t bring Sunset, so could you come over to my house for dinner tonight and pretend to be my boyfriend so my parents think I’m straight and don’t potentially disown me?”

She collapsed onto the desk, panting and pulling out her inhaler.

Microchips nodded. “You’re right, that is a weird favor.”

“Please,” Twilight said through inhaler puffs. “You’re the closest boyf—male friend I have here. I’ll pay you. I’ll give you my signed copy of Astrologia Magicae! Anything!”

“Whoa, whoa, calm down!” Microchips said, holding his hands up defensively. “It’s okay! I’ll help you out.”

Twilight managed to stand up. “Really? You will?”

“Sure, anything for a fellow Club member.” Microchips glanced down at his phone, still pinging with texts from his parents. “Besides, I don’t have anything else I need to do tonight. I’m just surprised that Sunset is okay with all this.”

Twilight started wringing her hands again. With a shaking laugh, she said, “Yeah, about that… Sunset doesn’t know I’m doing this, so please don’t tell her.”

All of Microchips’ self-preservation instincts started screaming. Memories of Sunset (the old Sunset, yes, but still) pushing him into lockers, stealing his glasses, and calling him names flooded his mind. And she did all that unprovoked — what would she do if she found out he was flirting with her girlfriend, even if it was pretend?

“Are you sure about that?” he asked, now shaking in his orthopedic boots. “This seems like the kind of thing you should tell her about.”

“I can’t,” Twilight said with a frown. “You don’t know how sensitive she is. She’d think that I was ashamed of dating her, that I was trying to hide her from my parents!”

“But you are trying to hide her from your parents.”

“Yes, but in a good, loving way! Not a bad, shameful way.” Her voice wavered. “I don’t want my parents and Sunset to be upset. I just know she’d drive herself crazy trying to ‘prove her love’ or something.”

Microchips furrowed his brow, trying to beat back his fear of death – and then said, “Alright. It’s our secret.”

“Thank goodness,” Twilight said. She walked around the desk and offered Microchips her hand. “We’ll head to the West Elm bus stop at six p.m. and ride over to my place together. Sound good?”

“Six p.m.,” Microchips repeated, accepting the handshake. “Affirmative.”

“Thank you so much!” Twilight slung her backpack over her shoulder. “I’m off to research how to act straight. See you later!”

She skipped away, leaving Microchips to stand pigeon-toed in his spot. And for the first time since Twilight spilled her guts, he had time to breathe and think about what he’d just agreed to.

Part of his brain – the rational part, he assumed – still buzzed with hysteria. Not only at the thought of Sunset strangling him to death, but also at the realization that pretend or not, this would be his first date ever.

None of his studies had prepared him for this situation. What should he wear? What should he smell like? He looked down at his lanky noodle arms and wished that he’d followed his parents’ advice. If anything, he probably needed the guides on how to act straight more than her.

Then again, he’d been looking for a reason to spend time with Twilight. Not necessarily in a romantic way – although he agreed with Sunset that she was an exceptionally attractive girl – but simply as a friend, a fellow nerd that would accept him for what he was and wouldn’t clog his texts with self-improvement SnapGab posts.

Twilight usually spent all her time with the other Rainbooms. But if Microchips aced tonight’s audition, maybe that would change.

With a warm hopefulness in his chest, Microchips packed up his laptop and headed out. Maybe this night would turn out fine, and not with him pinned to the ground as Sunset beat his skull in. Maybe after tonight, he and Twilight would be more than just anime acquaintances.

That evening, Microchips and Twilight snuck away from school to the bus stop a few blocks away. They kept their heads down as they went, making sure that no one – student or faculty – saw them together.

The ride to Twilight’s house across town took about 30 minutes. The two spent that time quizzing each other on the most intimate and important aspects of their lives, determined to become the perfect lovers that Twilight’s parents expected.

“Who’s your favorite 16th century philosopher?” asked Microchips, pen at the ready.

“Sir True North, of course,” Twilight said. She waited for him to finish scribbling, then shot back, “What’s your favorite number?”

“I’m partial to 453.900169.”

“Ooh, good answer,” Twilight said, jotting it into her own notebook. She took a moment to review all thirty pages of notes, then flipped the book closed and smiled. “Alright, I think we’re ready. I can’t imagine a single question that we’re unprepared for.”

“Excellent,” Microchips said, wicking some imaginary sweat – he hoped – off his forehead. “I just hope I won’t glitch out when I’m in front of your parents. I gotta admit, the way you talk about them has got me a bit intimidated…”

Twilight scoffed. “Don’t worry, my parents are incredibly friendly.”

“But they’re homophobic.”

“Potentially homophobic!” Twilight gazed out the window. “I love my parents dearly. But they’re also old, upwardly mobile, and relatively devout church-goers. So while I can’t know for sure, the statistics suggest that it’s in my best interest to stay in the closet. Until I move out, at least.”

“Hrm.” Microchips scratched his chin. “I suppose that makes sense. Numbers don’t lie, after all.”

“Exactly. My therapist thinks I’m overreacting, but trust me: I’m on enough anxiety medication to know I’m being totally rational here.” Twilight spun back to face Microchips, and placed her hand on his knee. “Thanks again for doing this. Are you sure I’m not hogging up your Friday night?”

Trying not to stare at her hand – her delicate, finely manicured, girly hand – Microchips managed to say, “No, it’s fine, really! I’d probably just have spent the evening at the library, or over at Wiz’s place. Heck, my parents actually think I’m at the gym right now.”

“The gym?” Twilight said with a giggle, which didn’t do much to calm him down. “Since when do you go to the gym?”

Microchips opened his mouth but stopped short, trying to quantum calculate how much about his own parental woes to give away. He didn’t want to seem like a sad sack, but Twilight still had her hand on his knee and his face was getting hot—

“I don’t, but my parents think I do. They’re always nagging me to stop playing games and hanging out with my friends – literally anything fun, they hate. All they want is for me to become some perfect uber-rich genius, even if that means I have no life.”

“Aren’t you already at the top of our class? What more could they want?” Twilight finally moved away, but didn’t take her eyes off him. “Have you tried telling them you’re not interested?”

“Loads of times. But they never listen.” Microchips shrugged. “Honestly, I just go along with it and lie most of the time. I know I'll never convince them, so what's the point?”

Twilight nodded. “I get that.”

A few minutes later, the bus crawled to a stop at the end of Twilight’s block. Microchips followed her off and down the street, but had to pause and marvel when he realized which house was hers.

Compared to the dozens of cookie-cutter bungalows that lined this neighborhood, Twilight’s house was a gothic mansion. Deep purple walls and sharp iron spires shot up into the evening sky, and dead tree branches knocked against darkened windows. For a moment, Microchips wondered if he’d wandered into a vampire novel.

Twilight grabbed his hand. “Follow my lead,” she said before he could react.

She pulled him across the lawn and up to her doorstep. Microchips didn’t mind the gruffness – Twilight’s palm felt nice against his, albeit sweatier than he expected.

She knocked on the front door. As they waited for a response, Microchips frowned at her and asked, “Are you knocking at your own house?”

“Yeah,” she said, totally frozen in place. “Sorry, not thinking too clearly. Trying to have a pre-emptive panic attack now so I don't have one later.”

Good idea, Microchips thought. He already felt sweat running down his sides. Wish I'd thought of that.

It didn’t take long for the door to open wide, exposing the couple to a blast of meatloaf-tinged air and a familiar looking woman. “Oh, finally!” said Twilight Sparkle With Silver Hair and Wrinkles. “You were supposed to get here an hour ago, Twily – dinner’s ready and waiting!”

“Sorry Mom,” Twilight said in a voice sweeter than he’d ever heard from her before. She held his hand tighter. “But my boyfriend and I were busy studying. Right, ‘Mic?’”

Mic?

“Yes,” he sputtered out, calling upon every strand of charisma in his DNA. He gave a short bow. “The name is Microchips. A pleasure to meet you.”

“Welcome, welcome! Come on in!” Old Twilight said, stepping aside. As they entered, she added, “I’m Twilight Velvet – call me Vel. Twily’s told us so much about you!”

Microchips frowned. “She has?”

Twilight’s handhold tightened into a vein-choking grip. “Of course I have, silly-billy!” she said. “I told them about how you’re smart, and kind, and 100% a boy!”

“And that you make her incredibly happy,” Vel said.

He grunted – both in acknowledgment and pain – and managed a smile. “Well, I can’t argue with that... ‘My Little Sparky?’”

Twilight’s face screwed up like she’d swallowed a lemon, and Vel erupted with a thunderous guffaw.

Microchips winced. “Too much?” he whispered.

“No,” Twilight said, cheeks flushed, “probably optimal.”

“You kids are too cute!” Vel clapped a hand against both their backs and pushed them out of the foyer. “Let’s go. Night Light’s probably finished setting the table by now.”

With a gulp, Microchips steeled himself for the trial to come.

It seemed that everyone in the Sparkle family – Or was it the Light family? – had the same eyes: sharp, serious, and constantly moving, like they were endlessly looking for answers. Each passing glance made Microchips retreat deeper into his seat, praying they wouldn’t see through him.

Although Night Light had nearly ripped his arm off with a handshake, he’d managed to make it to the dinner table undetected. As long as he kept calm, nothing could go wrong.

“So,” Night Light said, making Microchips drop his fork, “my daughter tells me that you’re quite the deep thinker.” All Microchips managed in response was a shaky nod. Night Light cast him a smirk, then asked, “So tell me: Who’s your favorite 16th century philosopher?”

Twilight and Microchips pogged in unison. “It’d have to be Sir True North,” he said, shooting Night Light’s smirk back at him.

Night Light sipped at his wine. “Acceptable.”

Microchips took a deep breath and tried to refocus on his meatloaf, but he couldn’t resist a quiet chuckle as Twilight kicked her legs in excitement. Their minutes of training were paying off – they’d get through this without a problem!

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” Vel said with a big smile, “how exactly did you two get together?”

The couple choked on their food. This question never came up during the bus ride! They cast each other a glance, and Microchips watched the panicked sweat roll down Twilight’s forehead—

A fire sparked in Microchips’ soul – an ancient fire he hadn’t felt in years, or at least since last Wednesday’s Ogres & Oubliettes session.

“Camp Everfree!” he said, jumping out of his chair. His voice echoed through the house, and all eyes froze on him. He staggered back, as if hit with a magical blast, but quickly regained his footing.

“We were at Camp Everfree,” he repeated. “The evil tree nymph Gloriosa Daisy had just arrived on the scene, spreading havoc and misery throughout the camp. She had us pinned down, had Twilight and I trapped in a magical bubble—“

He took a moment to survey the audience. They were all watching him with starry eyes, like children caught in a bedtime fairytale.

“—and Twilight was struggling to hold her back. Twilight had nearly enough magical power, but she needed a boost! That’s when I calculated the exact frequency Twilight needed to channel her magic at to shut down Gloriosa’s frontal cortex!”

Breathing hard, Microchips sat back down. “Our love just bloomed from there.”

Vel’s mouth hung open. She turned to her daughter. “You never told us this story!”

Twilight shrugged and let out a tight laugh. “I must have forgotten! It was a stressful day.”

None of what he’d just said was true, of course; he spent the Battle of Camp Everfree clutching Vinyl Scratch and crying. But coming up with the lie was easy – he just imagined Twilight as a character in one of his O&O campaigns.

And just like a good O&O session, once he started worldbuilding, it was hard to stop.

“Twilight and I have been on tons of adventures like that,” he said, leaning forward. “Want to hear more?”

Both parents nodded eagerly. Twilight stared for a second, then murmured, “I do too.”

Over the next half hour, Microchips regaled the Sparkle-Light family with stories of their exploits. He remembered the day that Twilight and he shot a harpoon through the chest of an evil space harpy; he solemnly spoke of the orphans they saved from a burning apartment building. He only ever stopped to take the occasional bite of meatloaf or breathe.

Twilight’s parents hung on every word. Even Twilight, who regarded each sentence with skepticism at first, was now listening intently, eyes wide.

He thought back to all the arguments with his parents, trying and failing to convince them that Ogres & Oubliettes wasn’t a waste of time. If only they could see him now.

But eventually he ran out of past O&O campaigns to reinvent and fell silent. Resisting the urge to take a bow, he settled back into his seat and took a long gulp of water.

“Where have you been keeping this boy?” Vel said, grinning at Twilight. “This is amazing!”

“Agreed,” Night Light said while the young couple squirmed in their seats. He leaned forward and pointed a finger directly at Microchips’ face. “I like you so much more than the last boy – what was his name? Fallen Fir?”

“Timber Spruce,” Vel corrected, eyes narrowing. “You met him at Camp Everfree too, didn’t you?”

Twilight groaned and dropped her head into her hands. “Can we please not talk about him?”

Microchips blinked. “Should I know who this is?”

“My ex.” Twilight said with a deep frown. “We dated for a month, he got really weird and clingy, so we broke up. End of story.”

“Not quite the end.” Vel crossed her arms. “Is he still texting you?” Twilight didn’t answer.

Night Light chuckled. “Don’t worry. If all the stories we’ve just heard are true, I bet Mic here could kick his ass, no problem.”

Twilight went pink. “Dad!”

“I don’t know about that,” Microchips said with a hesitant chuckle. Scratching the back of his head, he turned to look at Twilight. “But whoever this Timber Spruce guy is, he’s definitely missing out. I mean, you’re smart, you’re passionate – you know a heck of a lot more about the ‘90s shoujo revival than I do. I can’t think of a cooler girl at CHS, honestly.”

Twilight went red. “Uh.”

That brought a smile back to Vel’s face. “I can’t tell you how happy it makes me,” she said, “that our perfect little girl found someone who cares about her like you. That’s all we’ve ever wanted.”

Microchips opened his mouth to respond, but Twilight clamped her hand over his. “Both of us are finished,” she said, a tight smile stretched over her face. “Could we be excused?”

Her parents shared a furrow-browed glance, but Night Light said, “Sure. Why don’t you two head upstairs while we clean up and get dessert ready?”

“Your father made peach cobbler!” Vel said.

“Ooh,” Microchips said. “That sounds – whoa!”

Twilight dragged him out of his seat, out of the dining room, and up a winding staircase. He regained balance just in time to realize where they were headed: Twilight’s bedroom.

A slick panic swallowed him. He’d never been inside a girl’s bedroom before, but if Twilight’s house was a dungeon, this had to be the boss room: a lair of mystery and darkness that few entered and even fewer left alive. Did he have to bow before entering? Avoid making eye contact? Was sitting on her bed considered a venial sin or a mortal one?

Twilight answered most of those questions by shoving him through the door hard enough to send him sprawling onto her bed face-first. Face hot, he barely scrambled to his feet in time to watch her slam the door shut and lock it tight.

“Micro,” she said, back pressed against the door. “Do you... actually like me?”

He adjusted his glasses. “Sure. I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t.”

“No, that’s not—” She took a step towards him. “I mean, do you like me? Because I know we’re pretending and all, but that sounded like real flirting down there.”

“Oh.” Microchips shook his head and sat back down. “No, I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I meant everything I said – I do think you’re pretty amazing – but I’d much rather be your friend than your boyfriend. Sorry if I came off like a creep.”

“No, not at all!” Twilight said, waving her hands. “Honestly, it’s pretty refreshing to get a compliment and not have to worry about whether it’s real or just meant to woo me. If anything, it means that I picked the right guy to be my fake boyfriend.”

Microchips smiled and scooted over. “You know,” he said as she sat down next to him, “maybe I’m missing something, but I didn’t get a homophobic vibe from your parents. It sorta sounds like they just want you to be happy.”

“Maybe. Probably.” Twilight pursed her lips. “But you heard my mom: I’m supposed to be their ‘perfect little girl.’ What if I come out, they’re disgusted, and I completely ruin all that? I’m too scared to risk it.”

“What if they love you even more for being honest with them?" Jokingly, he added, "I think the stats on that are much more likely.”

He'd hoped that joke would distract Twilight, or lighten her mood. The sharp glance she threw his way said he'd done anything but. “Easy for you to say. Aren’t you the one who lies to his parents about having a gym membership?”

Microchips flinched away. He miscalculated, and it stung. “That's different. I’m not worried about them being disappointed – I know they think my interests are dumb. They’ve told me. Going along with it is just easier than constantly arguing.”

“So are you just gonna let them dominate you forever? Make you hide your true self?”

“Are you?”

“I’m not letting my parents—” Twilight pouted and looked away.

A thick sheet of silence fell over the room. The two twiddled their thumbs and rocked their legs, not looking at one another.

“Are we cowards?” Microchips asked.

“I think we might be,” Twilight said. “And I’m starting to think there might be a moral hidden in here somewhere.”

“Let me guess: We’ve got to stand up for ourselves and live how we want, even if that means disappointing our parents?”

Twilight giggled. “Something like that. When you become a magical friendship wizard, moral lessons tend to seek you out like a missile.”

She turned to Microchips, looked him straight in the eyes, and offered her pinkie. “Here’s the deal: We both stop lying and come out to our parents. Me as gay, and you as... I dunno, a nerd?”

Microchips took a long breath, but nodded. “Deal.”

He wrapped his pinkie around hers and the two shook, forging an unbreakable and sacred pact.

“Not tonight though, right?” he asked. “I really want that peach cobbler, and I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to stay once your folks find out I’ve been lying to their faces.”

“Of course. I’m queer, not cruel.” Twilight hopped up, walked over to her computer, and picked up a game controller. “But in the meantime, wanna play a few rounds of Death Dance GX? I have all the DLC characters.”

“Totally! Who do you main?”

I’ve got a fire in my eyes, and a soul full of rage

“Godessa mostly,” she said, booting up her PC. “I know some people call the poison damage cheap, but I prefer the word ‘tactical.’”

But when we met, something changed

He looked around. “Are you playing music?”

“No, why?”

You showed me a life I never knew

Twilight’s face went a deathly white. Her gaze snapped to the window. “Oh, no.”

And now my days shine with your love, so true

She sprinted to the window. Microchips joined her and looked out onto the front lawn. Then he went as pale as Twilight.

Sunset Shimmer was standing on Twilight’s front lawn, holding a boombox above her head and crying. Black mascara ran in streaks down her face.

Microchips’ life flashed before his eyes. His birth. His first time holding a controller. His first calculus equation. His imminent death at Sunset’s jealous hands.

“Crap, crap, crap!” Twilight said, face pressed to the glass. “What is she doing here? How did she find out?”

“Did you tell anyone else?”

“Just you! I might have mentioned part of it to my dog, maybe?”

“The talking one? Where is he, anyway?”

“My parents didn’t want him around for their fancy dinner, so he’s staying over at Rarity’s house tonight.” She blinked a few times, then dropped her head into her hands. “God damn it.”

“Twilight!” Sunset shouted over the music. “I love you!”

“If we can hear her up on the second floor,” Microchips said, “then your parents can definitely hear it downstairs.”

Twilight ran out of the room. Microchips followed after, chasing her down the stairs, through the foyer, and onto the front porch. Sunset’s music kept blasting the entire time.

When Sunset saw her girlfriend, she started crying harder. “Twilight, babe,” she blurbled out, tears spilling from her eyes. “Please don’t leave me! I’ll do anything!”

“Sweetie,” Twilight said, wringing her hands, “I can explain!”

Sniffling, Sunset stepped forward – but then she locked eyes with Microchips. He squeaked and ducked behind Twilight. She growled and said, “You’re leaving me for him? Seriously?”

Microchips might have been offended if he weren’t so focused on not fainting.

“Twily?” came Vel’s voice. All eyes fell on her and Night Light as they joined the fake couple on the porch. “What’s going on out here?”

Before Twilight could answer, Sunset discarded her boombox and threw both hands to her heart. “Mrs. Sparkle, Mr. Light,” she said. “I love your daughter!”

“Daughter’s socks! She loves my socks!” Twilight completed with a too-loud laugh. When Microchips raised a brow, she hissed at him, “Do you want that peach cobbler or—“

Everyone jumped at the squeal of tires against asphalt. A rusty pickup truck zoomed down the street and screeched to a stop in front of Twilight’s driveway, barely stopping in time to avoid demolishing the mailbox.

“God damnit,” Twilight said again as the pickup truck door opened and Timber Spruce stepped out.

“Twilight!” he called, walking onto the lawn. He held a single rose in his hand. “I know you said you told me to stop calling you, but I know you didn’t mean it, and I know that what we have is real!”

“‘Real’ my ass!” Sunset bared her teeth. “I told you to stay away from my girl!”

“Your girl? We fell in love first, greaseball!”

“And you broke up first.” Sunset smirked, but it immediately wilted into a desperate grin as she spun to look at Twilight again. “Not that we’re breaking up, right, babe?”

“What is she talking about?” Night Light asked, touching his daughter’s shoulder.

By this point, Twilight had started hyperventilating. “She—”

“Stop!”

Everyone’s eyes darted to the yellow taxi that had stopped on the other end of Twilight’s lawn.

“God damn it!” Twilight screamed as the door opened and Trixie somersaulted out.

“Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie said, raising a fist high into the air. “The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that you mate with her! Our children will be the strongest magicians this world has ever seen!”

Sunset sneered. “Get in line, blowhard!”

“You’re the only blowhard here, Sunset—” Trixie stopped when she saw Microchips, still cowering behind Twilight. She smiled and waved. “Hey, Micro! Great OVA choice today.”

Red-faced, Twilight collapsed to her knees. “No, no, this wasn’t part of the plan...”

Her parents gasped and dropped to their knees too, surrounding their daughter. “Honey,” Night Light said, casting his wife a frantic look, “grab her inhaler.”

While Vel ran back into the house and Twilight’s suitors kept bickering, Microchips stayed frozen in his spot, gripped by an icy terror. Next to him, his fake girlfriend heaved. In front of him, his future murderer threatened to slash Timber Spruce’s tires. The world moved in slow motion, each second passing over eternities.

Then he turned, and realized Night Light was staring at him. Expectantly.

He gulped. Then, gritting his teeth, he stepped off the porch and towards death.

“Hey!” he said, stomping up to the group of would-be lovers. “All of you should – should go away. Right now.”

Sunset, Timber, and Trixie paused to look at him. Then they went right back to fighting.

He stamped his foot soundlessly into the grass. “I’m serious! You’re all ruining a lovely night.”

Timber snorted. “Says who? You?”

The stink on that last syllable was almost enough to make Microchips crumble. But he dug his shuddering heels into the dirt and tried to stand a little bit taller as he leaned towards Timber and said, “Yeah, me. And from what I’ve heard, Twilight never wants to see you ever again, much less date you.”

Timber placed a firm hand on Microchips’ chest and pushed him away.

Yelping, Microchips flew backwards. Sunset barely caught him before he fell to the ground.

She scowled at Timber. “Keep your hands off him!”

“Yeah,” Trixie said, pushing past Sunset. “He’s our classmate. If anyone’s gonna bully him, it’s us!” She chuckled. “Not that I would, of course. Twilight’s future children deserve a higher class of mother than that.”

Sunset dropped Microchips. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Trixie checked her nails. “You heard me.”

“As if Twi would want either of you over a guy like me,” Timber said.

Climbing back to his feet and wiping the dirt off his clothes, Microchips muttered, “This is incredibly stupid. Please, can you all just leave?”

“Nuh-uh.” Timber walked forward and elbowed Microchips out of the way. He was headed straight for Twilight on the porch. “This is between me and my Science Chick.”

Microchips grabbed Timber’s arm and said, “She doesn’t want you—”

Timber shook him off, sending him crashing into the girls. Sunset cursed, ran up to Timber, and slammed her hands hard against his back.

He spun and shoved her in return.

With a wild scream, Sunset jumped on Timber and brought him to the ground.

The two exploded into a wild frenzy of fists and nails and feet and slurs. Both Trixie and Microchips winced as Timber elbowed Sunset in the gut, as she kneed him in the nuts, as their heads bonked together.

But then Trixie let out a fiery battle cry – “For our children!” – and jumped into the fight.

Microchips tried to flee. But the hurricane sucked him in, and suddenly he was lost in a storm of limbs.

No light, no air. Just pain as the four rolled across the lawn, a writhing mass of jealous hormones. Microchips went into the fetal position, hoping that the battle would pass over him, but the blows didn’t stop coming.

Blood pounding in his ears, he realized: If he didn’t fight back, he’d die here.

Clenching his eyes shut, Microchips sat up, shrieked, and swung his arms violently. His attack cut straight through air, not hitting anyone. So he swung again, and again, and again, hoping to make contact with Timber’s scummy throat—

“Aaugh!” Trixie yipped as Microchips popped her right in the nose. The entire fight stopped so she could glare at him, holding her face. “What was that for?”

He held his hands up. “Sorry, I—” Sunset leaped forward and bit his elbow. “Ow!”

“All of you,” Twilight shouted, “cut it out!”

A tingling warmth surrounded Microchips’ entire body. For a second he thought he’d wet himself, but then all four fighters rose high into the air, carried by a deep purple glow.

Twilight stood on the lawn below them, inhaler in one hand and the other shining with magic. She slowly moved them all apart, placing Microchips and Sunset in front of her, and Trixie and Timber farther away.

“A fight? Seriously?” she said, frowning at Sunset. “You really thought a fight would impress me?”

Covered in dirt, Sunset pointed at Timber. “He started it.”

“Twilight Petunia Sparkle!” Vel called from the porch. Both of her parents had their arms crossed and brows narrowed. “What in God’s name is going on here? Why is Sunset Shimmer biting your boyfriend?”

Chewing her lip, Twilight whipped her head between her parents and suitors a few times – then sighed. “I think the jig is up,” she said to Microchips.

She stepped towards Sunset and held her hand. “Mom, Dad, I lied to you. I’m not dating Microchips. I’m dating Sunset.”

Twilight’s parents looked at Sunset, then at their joined hands, then at each other, and finally at Twilight. “What?” asked Vel.

That made Twilight flinch away, but she didn’t let go of Sunset’s hand. “Sunset and I have been dating for a few months now. She makes me laugh, she holds me when I’m upset, she listens when I ramble endlessly about the stupidest things.”

“I told you,” Sunset said, blushing, “it’s not stupid if you like it.”

“You see?” Twilight said through a laugh. “When I told you I had a partner that made me incredibly happy, I was talking about her. I love her.”

She let go of Sunset’s hand, walked up to her parents, and bowed her head. “I’m bisexual. I like boys and girls. I really hope that’s okay with you, and I’m sorry if it’s not.”

Without any hesitation, Twilight’s parents dashed forward and wrapped her in a hug.

“Twily, honey,” Night Light said, holding her tight, “of course that’s okay with us! You’re our little girl – how could it ever not be?”

Tears shined in Twilight’s eyes. “The statistics weren’t certain…”

“You and your math,” Vel said. She ruffled Twilight’s hair and grinned. “Like I said at dinner: All we ever wanted for you was someone who cares. Is Sunset that someone?”

“100%.”

“Then you have our blessing.” Vel chuckled. “Also, not to take the wind out of your sails, but I might know a bit more about bisexuality than you realize.”

Twilight’s tears dried up. “Ew, Mom!” she said, cringing away.

Night Light lifted his head to look directly at Microchips, who went light-headed. “So, son,” he said in a gruff voice, “was anything you told us tonight true?”

A million excuses came to his mind, but Microchips pushed them back and shook his head. “No, not really. Except when I said that there’s no cooler girl at CHS – that’s for real.”

“Don’t be mad at him,” said Twilight. “I asked him to do this. He’s a good friend.”

Vel motioned to Trixie. “And her?”

“She’s… an acquaintance.”

Trixie gasped, then stuck up her nose. “Trixie will ignore that slight. For the sake of our offspring.”

“What about me?” Timber asked with a strained smile. “What am I, cutie?”

“A total creep.”

“And a minute away from getting the cops called on him,” Night Light added.

Timber’s eyes went wide. He sprinted to his truck and threw the door open.

“Wait up! I need a ride!” Trixie cried as he shifted into gear. She ran into the street and vaulted into his flatbed when he passed, and the two went rocketing into the distance.

Sunset watched them go, then turned back to the rest of the group. “I’m still super confused about what happened here.”

Twilight hooked her arm around Sunset’s, said “Let me explain,” and led her over to her parents.

Microchips watched from afar as Sunset reintroduced herself to both parents, as she offered handshakes but got pulled into a hug instead. She looked a lot less scary like that. He heard Twilight’s laugh, light and melodic. And then, with a twinge of loneliness, he saw the whole family – Sunset in tow – head back to the house.

He slipped his hands into his pockets, let out a small sigh, and walked away. This was how things went, he supposed; it was the eventual fate of any fake boyfriend. Nothing left to do now but head back home and try to be as brave as Twilight had been.

“Micro, wait!”

He turned to see Twilight running towards him, with Sunset following not far behind. Twilight barely stopped in time not to crash into him, and spent a few moments catching her breath, but then perked up.

“I wanted to say thanks! Again.” Twilight gestured back to her house. “And my mom is packing up some dessert for you. They were a little ticked that you basically lied to their faces, but I insisted. I was the one who hired you, after all.”

“I gotta thank you too, for being so good to Twi tonight,” Sunset said. She offered a sheepish smile. “And sorry for biting you. I got caught up in the heat of the moment.”

“It’s okay – I’ve got my rabies shots.” Microchips smiled. “And I can’t blame your parents for being annoyed. I guess it just means I put on a pretty good performance.”

“Good? You were spectacular!” Twilight grabbed Sunset’s shoulder. “You wouldn’t believe the stories he made up! He had my parents swooning! Top tier fake boyfriend, no doubt.”

For just a second, the conversation lulled. And Microchips realized what he’d been wanting to say all night.

“I just hope,” he said, fighting past his anxiety, “that we can hang out more. As friends, not… whatever this was.”

Twilight grinned. “Definitely. I still owe you a Death Dance match.”

“Don’t fall for it,” Sunset said, leaning into him. “All the characters she plays are super cheap.”

“I think she prefers the term ‘tactical,’” Microchips corrected.

That got a legitimate snort-laugh out of Twilight. Still giggling, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Microchips, pulling him close.

His entire body locked up in surprise – but soon enough, he returned the hug. He hadn’t been held like this in a while. He forgot how much warmth came from people liking him for who he was.

But eventually Twilight let go, ran back into the house to retrieve his dessert, and the two parted ways.

On the bus ride home, Microchips kept his eyes on the trademark purple tupperware she’d given him. He thought of Twilight, and the short time they’d spent together not as fake lovers, but as friends. He thought about Anime Club, and Mathletes, and his Ogres & Oubliettes group, and all the other things that brought him so much happiness each day.

And he thought about his parents, sharp and judgmental, always wanting to change him. And he promised himself that, for all the things they’d ruined for him already, he wouldn’t let them ruin this.

Smiling, he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, letting the bus’ rhythmic rocking drive him into the future.

But his eyes snapped open as his phone pinged with a notification. He groaned, expecting a text from his parents, but still pulled it out and checked the screen. Time to put up or shut up, he figured.

But no – it was a text message from Trixie. “You throw a mean right hook,” her message read. “Wanna grab coffee sometime?”