One Last Mission

San Palomino Desert

Day 7

I think, at this point, I’m more than allowed to call myself a pathetic excuse of a mother.

Don’t for a second think that means I’m worse than the mare who brought me into the world. She was a disgrace the likes of which even some raiders probably couldn’t imagine. No, I was pathetic because I was too scared to learn how my own offspring was doing. What good mother would be so scared of them she wasn’t even able to ask how they were fairing?

In hindsight, the answer to the question of which side of the argument had been right or wrong was simple. If only the pony brain thought such simplicity was a good thing. Now I had to live with the understanding I wouldn’t know a damn thing about my family for another seven days. This was less a dagger to the heart and more a spear through both it and my lungs. I regret to say I sulked and moped for more hours than I would like to admit.

When I finally did stop, I no longer wanted to be on Willow’s back. By that point the day had made its way past noon. I kept a bit of distance as I tried to sort my thoughts out, get a hold of my own emotions before I blew up at someone again. That was another piece of me that was pathetic, come to think of it. I’m a grown mare just entering her late thirties and I was dealing with emotional turmoil closer to how a teenager would. Certainly doesn’t give the impression of a military officer.

Everycreature allowed me the space I needed, thankfully… or at least they did for a time. I’m not sure what decision they had come to – tuning them out had helped with steadying my own line of thought – but after a time Gemini and Willow had made their way over to me. They were quiet for a little while, baring into me from both sides as if that alone would be enough to unsettle me. Clearly they had never been in a military parade, with everypony you know watching you in awe.

It was also clear they had forgotten I was a mother, and therefore had an immunity to that look. Parents, you know the one I’m talking about. It’s the kind a foal gives somepony when they really, really want something. I’ll give credit where it's due, though, it would have worked against literally anypony else. I can’t help but wonder how often Willow must pull this type of maneuver on Sharpshot.

After they finally realized their puppy stares weren’t working, I quickly found myself swiped under Willow’s wing. I had practically no option but to at least listen to her after that, and as time went on I ended up responding. Gemini quickly joined in, and the funk I was put under was temporarily forgotten about. My thoughts on myself didn’t change, but I was no longer drowning in my own doubt and hate.

The day went on, and as night fell upon Equestria we had hit the river Sharpshot told me about. Everypony settled down for a night of rest, the gentle caress of water on sandy banks filling everyponies ears as they went to sleep. Well, everypony but Sharpshot and myself. He didn’t need to sleep, and I… I was just scared.

It's kind of funny, given how tough and proud I’ve felt but… different. I’m not sure how else to explain it other than a heightened fear of death. I wasn’t sure if it was my encounter with Domino or something else that had caused it, but it made me inwardly tremble at the thought of sleeping. That sandstorm had been another close brush with death, to the point that I had been unconscious for over a day.

What if, next time, I didn’t wake up?

I shook my head, searching to get the thought of death off my mind. Thankfully, somepony was willing to help with that.

“You know, seeing the sun and moon is really weird,” Dead Hooves said. I wasn’t sure when she had decided to make herself known to my eyes, but there she was. “I think San Palomino is the only place to see them. It’s strange, but also kind of cool. I get to see a part of the world a lot of ponies don’t.”

We pegasi were responsible for that.

I shook my head, temporarily banishing that line of thought. No use getting upset about something that couldn’t be changed, though the fact I was looking at the cloud cover differently now certainly was interesting. Did I appreciate it and the safety it gave to most pegasi-kind? Of course. Didn’t mean it was impossible to realize what we had stolen.

It was something I never really thought about before being branded; every trip to the surface was typically short, and I always knew home was visitable. Now? I think I speak for the majority of dashites, stable dwellers, and wastelanders when I say being able to see the sun or moon in the sky was lucky. Nowhere else in Equestria could the pure beauty of day and night be seen… except in San Palomino.

A place where most of the wasteland probably didn’t exist.

“They look… both the same and different to what the pictures show.” She paused, and then chuckled. “Now that I say that, it’s pretty dumb. Of course they look more beautiful in person compared to within pictures. Still, I don’t think I would ever have known how beautiful they are.” She reached a hoof up, and then turned to me. “You pegasi get to see this every day? That’s amazing.”

Her words were both reassuring and sad. Seeing her memories have allowed me a look into her mind, the clock in her head counting down to when she felt was her next closest death. She acted… not exactly mature, but rougher than your average teen. There wasn’t a lot of time for her to act as young as she truly was.

This moment was possibly the first time I had seen the wonder of a foal inside of her. She wasn’t a grounder scraping by, holding on for life and expecting her next moment to be her death. She was a child just like any other, finding magic in the simplest of things. In this case, that was the ball of plasma and glimmering rock that filled the sky. Something that she had not seen while she was alive.

The “alive” part was, obviously, the sobering one. She wasn’t alive anymore. It had taken death for her to be able to enjoy the sky’s beauty.

“I’m glad to see you awake, by the way,” she said, smiling at me. “I’m not quite sure what they were doing to you – those ghosts, I mean – but it scared me.”

“So you are the reason I got out there,” I whispered. DH’s nod told me I had been heard. “Thanks. I don’t remember much, after a time, but I remember the pain. Gold was right; ghosts can’t kill you, but they can do a lot of damage to you mentally.”

“Good thing I was there then,” DH replied with a dry chuckle. “Did you know them? I mean, I assume you did, considering they were pegasi. I imagine everypony is rather tight up there.”

I shook my head. “Worlds too big for that, but yeah. They were ponies I had served with, once upon a time. Domino Effect, Hard Landing, Fair Breeze, Mistletoe…”

“Don’t sound like military ponies to me.”

“Well you all don’t have mandatory service down here, at least in the same way. I imagine the wasteland itself does the job of the G.P.E. there.” There was no response in vocal or motion form, so I decided to continue talking. “Some pegasi stay in the military after mandatory service is done, some don’t. All those pegasi are like myself; we stayed on because we liked the comfort blanket military life provided. Those like us are trusted to keep the knowledge that the surface is habitable secret, and up until Calamity that remains true.”

“That sounds like a lot of responsibility.”

“You have no idea.”

“So why were they hurting you like that?”

DH’s innocent-looking head tilt didn’t get rid of the sharp stab of guilt her words caused. It took a deep breath in, and a moment of closing my eyes and listening to nothing but the coursing river helped settle me down. Funny, back one week ago my emotions had been so nullified that something as simple as that didn’t get to me. Now? Not so much, even if I was both perfectly okay with what they had done to me, and felt deep down that it was deserved.

“Five years ago, a mission sent me to Trotson with those ponies and others. I don’t want to go into details, its not fun to talk about failures,” I explained. DH nodded in understanding, which earned the faintest of smiles from me. Below the many messed up things I now knew about her, she wasn’t a bad wastelander. “As far as I know, one of my targets and myself are the only ponies still alive from it. Some died in the sandstorm to the radiation or the balefire fossils, which were either impaled with bones or melted by balefire. Some lived through the initial event but died of radiation poisoning, or fell so far down the rabbit hole of depression they thought the only way to see light was…”

A simple twist in the stomach kept me from saying the word I wanted, but DH was a smart unicorn. The look of pure sadness that took over her face was all anypony need to know she not only understood what I couldn’t say, but that she understood the gravity of my failure. The inability to keep the sandstorm from claiming lives, directly or indirectly, the bitterness of living to know I had outlived so many of them.

The guilt of being rewarded when I should have been judged.

“I received a medal for what happened,” I told the ghost. The near instantaneous drop of her jaw and dilation of her pupils were all I needed to know. “A reward for bravery – for going through tartarus to get ponies home – and even before the count of survivors was two that side fucking stupid. I got ponies killed, and their response was that!” I chuckled like a pony gone mad. “Oh, how perfect! I was already so close to the edge myself, unable to recall full days of my life because my brain wanted desperately to just turn off. If I didn’t have Anchor I’m damn near certain I wouldn’t be here.”

“Rhapsody I… I’m not quite sure what to say,” DH said. Pupils snapped from one thing to another, her mind clearly churning to figure out what she could say. I’m damn near certain she was just looking at different bits of sand over and over. “I want to find something I can relate it to but–”

“Going senile already, soldier mare?”

Both of us turned to see Sharpshot trotting towards us, body and cloth slightly soaked. I frowned at the side of the latter, feeling inwardly frustrated at the fact he didn’t take anything off. Did I understand why he hadn’t? Of course; his experience with pink cloud had fused it in the same manner that his goggles had, just not as completely. Didn’t make the sight less aggravating.

“No. Just venting to DH,” I explained, motioning to the ghost’s current position for his convenience.

As his brow furrowed, the aforementioned ghost looked to him smugly. “Hey bitch.”

“She says hi, by the way.”

Her exact words?” He asked. I shook my head. “Do you mind if I ask for them then? Proof this ghost sight of yours is real.”

I let out a sigh. “It was “hey bitch” if you really have to know.”

Sharpshot’s face tried many different expressions after that. First anger, then simple joy, followed by shock, and so on. None of them stayed for more than a millisecond, before he landed on something a bit hard to read. It was like he was expressing everything, and yet nothing at the same exact time.

“And she calls me insufferable,” he said.

DH grew ever slightly more sly. “Only speaking the truth, Hearty.”

That was the first time I had ever heard somepony actually use his real name, outside of Sharpshot and I’s initial meeting.

“I want to talk with her,” he told me, suddenly exhausted. “I’m gonna trust you to translate for me with full accuracy. At the very least, I can be certain that it is her.”

“Just from a two word greeting.”

“DH is DH. I’d know if you were pulling that out of your ass.”

While I gave a scowl to his choice of phrasing, I also nodded in assent to his wish. I motioned with a hoof for him to sit right across from where Dead Hooves was, and he did so. The tension in the air was palpable, both the living and the dead excited and unhappy to know each other were there. I wasn’t certain there would be words spoken at first, but as soon as Sharpshot crossed his hooves that doubt faded.

“So, I can't see you, but you are really there,” he said. Dead Hooves gave a nod, despite its uselessness. “I guess… I guess this is where I say hello. Fucking tartarus, I figured you’d be off in the everafter by now.”

“Heh, I was surprised to still be around too,” Dead Hooves replied. As asked, the translation was word-for-word, and it stayed that way the entire conversation. “Both glad and shocked to see some of my friends still kicking.”

“Glad to still be alive,” Sharpshot said, his magic grabbing a lost piece of clothing and wringing it idly. “You seen Stitches or Joy at all after they passed? What about Star?”

My ears perked up for a moment at the mention of DH and I’s shared ancestor. Unfortunately she shook her head solemnly.

“I assume two of them are in the everafter, and Joy is… with the Infinite or something.” She bit her ethereal lip and looked skywards. “I really wish mom taught me more about her beliefs, sometimes.”

“The same mom that ate ponies?”

“Only ever had one.”

“True…,” Sharpshot’s eyes drifted off to the desert sands, “I’m sorry, DH. She lost her battle. Willow and I… we put her down.”

“Thanks, and I know. I’ve been walking alongside you two for a long time now; you don’t have to catch me up on details.”

Sharpshot’s eyes went wide, briefly looked at me, and then back at where DH was. I’m positive a piece of him wasn’t certain my words were really hers there. The ghost looked at me, I looked at her, and both of us silently agreed that he needed hard evidence. Evidence only he and Willow would know.

“Splendid Valley. Maripony. The Goddess lies deep in there, and she came to you and Willow through a non-alicorn contact,” Dead Hooves said. Sharpshot tensed at her words. “You did her a favor getting rid of Nightshade, and she wanted to reward you two. That’s why Willow is an alicorn. You killed one of the very first she created, in fear that your wife being a defect would lead the Goddess to kill her.”

Sharpshot didn’t move, respond, or do anything. It was impossible to tell how he felt, from how stoic he held himself. When he finally did react to her words – which I’m damn near certain DH didn’t just choose due to being the first thing that came to mind – all we got was a blink. A single, solitary blink, and then the barely noticeable hanging of his head.

“So, you were there for it all,” he whispered. “We didn’t know there was another cure at the time. When we found out, we were too scared of what the Goddess would do to her… and to me. We saw an option, and took it.”

“I thought you were a doctor Hearty–”

“Don’t call me that!” Both Dead Hooves and I flinched, and he looked at me. “You lost the privilege of using that name a long, long time ago.”

DH frowned, but nodded in affirmation. “Still, I expected a doctor to think things through a bit more.”

“I was scared. I didn’t know how long I could be Willow’s reason to continue living,” Sharpshot replied, his voice growing oddly fearful. This was a level of discomfort I had never seen in him before. “I was young, I saw a cure, I didn’t think of the consequences. I was trying to save my wife. You wouldn't understand, you never fell in love with anypony.”

Dead Hooves flinched again, gritting her ethereal teeth. Her mouth moved to speak, but she didn’t say anything. I didn’t dare to correct Sharpshot for her, less because she didn’t say it but because of the one pony I knew she had feelings for. Bringing up her mother in that context didn’t feel right at the moment… and made me especially uncomfortable.

“I still hate you for it,” she stated after a minute or two of silence. “Willow didn’t deserve her suffering to be elongated.”

“Oh, like you thought it would still stay around after all these years,” Sharpshot spat back, rolling his eyes. “Willow and I certainly didn’t. We thought that all it would fade, like it did for others who had initially survived its effects. Except it didn’t, because apparently something about torturing both of us still entertains at after a full fucking century.” He shook his head. “Let's just… talk about something else.”

The ghost was rattled enough by his outburst that she was more than with that. For a while, things turned into mindless banter between them, neither seeming truly happy with the other. Their hate was as strong as their happiness, care and loathing equaling out. It was a strange sight, and even weirder to feel on the receiving end of, as DH’s translator. There was not really a better word to describe them both, then “frenemies”.

After just over forty minutes had passed, Sharpshot was done. He got up, and walked over to me. Our eyes made contact, and never separated. In that moment, I was able to see past the hate, the spite, and the disgust he held for Dead Hooves deep down, to the full force of regret and grief that lay within. His eyes held so much water, I’m shocked he was managing to not cry.

“So, you really can talk to the dead,” he said, sorrowful but not pained. His voice phrased it as a question, but I knew that wasn’t the case. “Careful around her. No matter how good her intentions, no matter how innocent her ideas, a neuromancer can’t ever be fully trusted.”

“The memories she has shown me give me more than enough reason to already,” I told him. While I didn’t look at her, it was impossible to not feel Dead Hooves’ eyes upon us. “I can’t believe she feels that way about her own mother!”

To my surprise, he snorted. “Oh, trust me, if you think that is bad just wait until you hear about her little condition. Though, I wouldn’t be surprised if you already know about it.” He put a hoof on my shoulder. “You’ve seen enough. Tell her to stop, she’ll listen.”

With that, he made his way off to Willow and laid down next to her. He didn’t need the sleep, being a ghoul and all, but something told me he needed her. That beginning bit of conversation, concerning what had led to Willow meeting the Goddess, was probably more exhausting then everything else combined. It managed to make even a cocky bastard like him tired.

“Sorry, for him sidetracking us,” DH said, making her way to my side. “It was… good to talk to him again. Not nice, but a long time coming.”

“Glad I was able to make it possible,” I replied. “Dead Hooves, what you were saying about Splendid Valley–”

She nodded. “All true. Why do you ask?”

“Just want to make sure I avoid any place that is a bit too nasty.”

“Right, right, gotcha.” There was a slight pause, and the DH’s brow furrowed. “So… you found out how I discovered my sexuality, I hear.”

“Eeyup, and I would prefer to not think about it or learn anything more.” I replied, rubbing my injured wing with a hoof. As I opened it as much as possible and took to preening, something I hadn’t had the space or time to do since arriving in Trotson, the ghost before me started to fidget. “We can stop with the memory sharing. I… don’t need any more convincing.”

Dead Hooves’ eyes went wide, though something quickly drew her attention to her back instead. After rolling her shoulder, a strange sight for a ghost, she turned back to me. She had this puzzled look about her, a tinge of relief hidden in the very corners of her lips and eyes.

“Were you there when I got my hereditary test done back in ArcanaTech’s research station?” I asked, folding one wing and turning to the other. Dead Hooves nodded, rolling her shoulder once again. “Well, I found out I got unicorn blood in me. I’m still not entirely sure how to take all of it, but you were correct. No need for me to search your memories for the truth, so I would like it if you stopped looking at mine as well.” I gave her an awkward faux smile. Even admitting I was related to her didn’t make having her as part of my ancestry any better. “Was kind of nice having you do it while I was unconscious though. I’m certain it made waking up easier.”

I expected her to smile or say something along the lines of “I told you so”. Instead, Dead Hooves continued to stare at me, that puzzled look shifting into worry. I stared at her, expressionless, waiting for her to give me some idea of what was going on within her ghostly brain. Then, she took a step back.

“DH?”

“You shouldn’t have seen anything,” she whispered, words feeling more aimed at herself than me. Her eyes traced the desert sand below as if some hidden picture was visible in them. “Why did- I’ve performed that spell before, both on the living and dead. It should- I should- it’s not continuous.”

I blinked, my heart thumping a bit harder for what I initially assumed was over exaggerated anxiety. “Dead Hooves, what do you mean? You aren’t making sense.”

“The spell I cast on you, the one that allows me to see memories, it isn’t supposed to interact with ponies in the way they have with you,” she explained, continuing to back further and further away from me. “I’m the only pony that should be seeing memories. When you said you saw mine as well, I thought it was just a funny little side effect of using the spell between the living and dead. That makes sense, right?”

“I guess,” I replied, tilting my head. The look she gave me in response screamed “really?”, as if she had expected me to understand. “From the Enclave, remember? Most magical things we have there are energy weapons, not to mention our own weather and flight magic. We don’t have the spells and shit hornheads like you do.”

“Well, to summarize, spells are rigid in how they function, how they interact, etc,” DH continued on, starting to pace. “You need line of sight with an object to levitate it, and if the object’s motion is intercepted by something else, then the spell breaks. Every spell has rules, and things it can and can’t do… or at least that is what I thought.” She took a step towards me. “I’ve used magic on living ponies as another living pony, and on dead ponies after I was killed. I never thought about using magic between realms until I met you. I wasn’t certain it would work… but it did. At least, that is what I thought.”

She stopped moving and looked up towards the sky.

“I’m not sure what happens when a spell travels between the living and dead, but it fundamentally changed how my memory reading spell is interacting with ponies. We already knew about one of the changes when you saw my own memories, but it's going beyond that. You shouldn’t have seen my memories while unconscious because I wasn’t casting that spell on you. Which leads to a rather uncomfortable question, one that… frightens me.”

Her eyes met mine once again, muzzle moving to speak but the words were terrifying to truly utter. There was no need for her to say them, because as blind as I was to how unicorn magic worked, the picture had been painted clear. Two side effects, both new, neither happening when you were in the same state of life as the subject. So, since she was too scared to ask the question, I decided to do it instead.

“Dead Hooves, what other side effects are there?”

Nothing. Me being the one to ask the question didn’t get the spirit’s muzzle working. In fact, it had wasn’t even making movements anymore, stuck close like an overloaded cabinet drawer. DH’s lack of answer did nothing but make my own inner-anxiety skyrocket, chest heaving faster and mind feeling less focus.

“Dead Hoov–”

“I-I don’t know!” She exclaimed suddenly, stepping back further and further. “Spells are rigid but magic? Magic is fucky. All those weird things Joy brought with her from Stalliongrad? What we witnessed in the sandstorm? Us talking here?! These aren’t spells. It’s magic. Pure, chaotic, unpredictable, and absolutely fucking terrifying.” She closed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling like she was a living pony. It didn’t seem to have any effect. “I have no idea what else is going to happen. I’m sorry, Rhapsody. I might have done something horrible to you, and I don’t know.”

There were two main emotions running through my head at that moment, one of which being the already mentioned anxiety. The knowledge that neither of us knew what her spell had done to me, and if we had seen all it had in store, was terrifying. I didn’t know enough about magic to make any predictions either. It would have led my mind to feel too scattered to focus under most circumstances.

Except the other emotion was one anger. Anger at Dead Hooves, to be specific. She was the cause of whatever was happening to me, she was a twisted ancestor that I wish I had never learned about. How much of the past week could possibly be blamed on her? More than she likely was, considering my brain wanted her to take the fall for everything.

With gritted teeth and a determination filled by terrified rage, I looked at her. “You mean, that you messed with my brain, my memories, my very being, and you don’t know how to fix it?”

I didn’t need to raise my voice, just turn it as cold and rough as stone. The tone was enough to make her recoil, backing up even more. A thin, spectral line appeared, slack and currently unimportant to my eyes. All I wanted at that moment was to make it clear that, if DH wasn’t already deceased, I would have made damn sure she was.

“Do you know what you might have done to me? What your memories might be doing to my own?” I asked, leaning forward. I didn’t need to actually step forward; my voice carried my murderous intent well enough. “How do I know you’re telling the truth? How do I know you aren’t trying to overwrite my existence with your own?”

“I-I can’t prove it. You just have to trust–“

Her many steps back finally met their end, the line attached to her straightening out. It was connected to both of our chests, but in my current mood I didn’t care about what it possibly meant. All I knew was that, no matter how much Dead Hooves tugged, she couldn’t escape. She was a dog on a leash, and seeing her uselessly attempt to pull said leash off her gave me life.

“Let me make this clear, grounder,” I said, trotting towards her. That sickening feeling that had come with the phrase in the past few days was nowhere to be found. The slur fit both the hate and fear in my heart, and more than anything felt apt for the bitch before me. “You are going to stay out of my memories. You are also going to help me find a way to undo whatever it is you have done. Don’t comply, and I’ll figure out a way to rend your ghost so that your very existence belongs to the void.” I pressed a hoof against her chest, her form caving easily under my strength. “No chance at the Everafter, no chance at seeing your mother’s so-called Infinite. Am I clear?”

She nodded eagerly, the threat to her existence more than enough to form compliance. I smirked, and then shoved her down to the ground. As I turned and walked away, I felt no guilt for how I had treated her. My living companions might not all be likable ponies, but they were far better than the filth of a mare that was my wasteland predecessor. What remorse could a pegasus feel for an individual like her?

If the bile rising in my throat didn’t make it clear enough to me, none. The horrid taste it left in the back of my mouth as I forced it down wasn’t caused by regret, or the slur I had used. It was brought upon me by Sharpshot’s warning less than half an hour earlier. It was meant to protect me from DH, save me from the pain and torment she had supposedly put himself and other wastelanders under.

A warning far too late, unbeknownst to him.

“Why did you say those things?”

The voice of the spectral filly brought my attention to my left. I hadn’t noticed her appear, staring up at me with that same puppy eyed look Willow and Gemini had tried. It was ever-so-slightly more effective, partially due to how young she was. It was enough to earn an answer, but no change of heart.

“Because I had to make sure she didn’t do it again,” I explained.

The look she gave me intensified. “B-but, she didn’t mean it.”

“Intent doesn’t always matter,” I replied, laying down next to her. “There are things that, whether it was meant to happen or not, are right and wrong. That’s even more true now, compared to your time.” Her ears folded, head dropping. She seemed ready to cry. “I… I never caught your name, little one. What is it?”

“It's Stardust,” she replied, pupils glancing in my direction. “I still think you were too mean to her.”

I gave her a faint smile. “I know it might seem that way, but most ponies today aren’t as nice as the ones from your time.”

She only seemed to get more sad. “I… I don’t think so.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because mom and dad would have been home that day, if they were.” Stardust closed her eyes, managing to produce a shiver. “Dad went off to fight the stripes and didn’t come home. Mom… just left one day. I don’t know what happened to her, but it had to be ponies meaner than Miss Hooves.”

A dead father, and a vanishing mother. One I had gleaned from the bits and pieces of her memories I had seen, the other new. Both were likely caused by the ministries in differing ways, the latter more directly than the former. No amount of explanation made it sting any less. If they were going to take the mother, take the child too.

Still, as cruel as the reality was, her statement was incorrect. Perhaps it was true that the ponies of yesteryear weren’t that great too, but there was a difference between them. A civilized society crushed by a corrupt government, everypony watched like a hawk, was still far beyond an anarchistic land where the only way to possibly stop enslavement, rape, or both was a deadly weapon.

She was a filly for another time, talking about things she didn’t know. Smart as Stardust was, she didn’t have context, especially if she had been stuck in a tortured cry for most of the past two centuries.

I gave her a pat on the head and widened my smile. “You know, if you want to see them again, you can go to the Everafter. No need to stick with the rest of us strangers.”

“I-I tried,” Stardust explained. Her muzzle ever so slightly pointed itself up to the sky. “I… couldn’t find it.”

I blinked. “What?”

“The ponies in the sky, the Everafter, I couldn’t find it.” She looked at me. “I am good at finding things. If I can’t find the everafter, mom and dad can’t, so they must still be here.”

No matter how innocently she smiled at the end of those words, it didn’t destroy the inner dread that was formed by her statement. After all, if the dead were unable to find the everafter…

…did it truly exist in the first place?

Sleep did not come easily that night.

The combined terror of not knowing what Dead Hooves spell was truly doing to me, and the existential dread of the idea of no true afterlife existing kept my brain from feeling able to shut off. Not even the nice, calming sounds of a desert river was enough. I felt too awake – too aware – to dream.

Yet, in time, a tired body won out over a worried mind. I laid down near Gemini to give her comfort when exhaustion finally broke through my anxiety. With her nearby, sleep came easy. An idiotic, optimistic slice of me thought a comforting figure might ward off the memory spell’s effects on me.

It didn’t, obviously. Against my wishes, our worlds blended together.

San Palomino Desert

Day 8

I awoke the next morning to an odd sensation. It was clearly not something a pony was capable of, perhaps with the exception of unicorns, and would have distressed a more awake mind. It was like dragon claws were poking my back, very fast, and extremely lightly. If I was more awake, I might have realized how strange that was. Instead, I groaned out and shifted uncomfortably in the grass.

“Gold. Leave me alone.”

If it was him, he didn’t listen. The odd poking sensation continued on, and it left me unable to get back to sleep. Not that it would have been easy anyway; the sun was starting to rise and merely opening my eyes was enough to dispel my sleep-addled minds' desires. Reluctantly, I choose to greet the day.

Even as I stretched, that damn sensation refused to leave. The more I woke up, the more I realized it wasn’t Gold’s doing. It was Sharpshot either, considering he was lazily cuddling up next to his wife, horn not alight. I narrowed my eyes, waiting for any sign that the two had been faking it. Once I was certain they were really asleep, I turned to my back to find out what was poking me.

The sight instantly made me freeze.

I had seen insects before on my journeys to the surface, but most of the time they were the large, irradiated kind. Radroaches, bloatsprits, things like those were exceptionally more common across all of the wasteland, even in a region such as San Palomino. Sure, the balefire bombs and otherwise hadn’t wrecked it as much as the eastern, more densely populated central Equestria, but the water was still decently irradiated and food was far more difficult to grow. Something about the radiation caused the bugs to get bigger, and I was so use to them that they didn’t scare me.

So when I looked on my back to see a small, orange insect with claws and stinger prancing mindlessly on my back, my initial reaction shouldn’t have been terror. After all it was far smaller and likely far less of a nuisance then its mutated brethren. Yet, for some reason, watching it skitter around on me, feeling its leg on my coat, scared me. It’s appearance was creepier than any radroach to ever live.

After a time, it stopped moving. It seemed to look at me, and I stared right back at it. I stayed as still as a statue, as if moving the faintest amount would cause some horrible bloody attack. Seconds ticked by, neither of us doing anything… and then it started crawling closer to my neck.

I wish to say my reaction was reasonable, given my former station and years of service to the Enclave. The truth is… well…

“Sandbeast! Off! Off of me!”

I didn’t care for how it would make me look, I launched myself into my hooves and started shaking and bucking as much as possible. The initial jump had probably gotten it off, but I didn’t know that. I just kept on shaking, kicking, and moving around in hopes of getting whatever tiny spawn of Tartarus had crawled onto me off. The pain in my fractured wing didn’t matter

What did matter, at least to the creatures not on my back, was my whinnying and near-incoherent stammering was too loud. Gemini groaned, Sharpshot opened his eyes half way, Gold placed one earhole in the sand and put a talon around the other. I didn’t pay attention to most of it, scared shitless as I was. I had some unknown creature “violently” attacking me and I wanted it gone.

When I finally noticed that there was no longer anything on my back, my brain froze again. I then stomped the ground with my forehooves and looked around for where the creature had gone off to. I saw nothing, my E.F.S. proved itself useless, and my heart refused to calm itself. Sharpshot and Willow were looking at me like I had lost it, only briefly looking at each other to make sure they were thinking along the same lines.

“Where are you? Show yourself!” I shouted, turning in every possible direction to find out where the beast had gone. “I know you are still there?”

Gold looked at Gemini. “Has pegasus lost it?”

The young mare eyed me, then gave a nervous shrug. Gold followed up by looking at Sharpshot and Willow, hoping for a better answer. Instead, the ghoul kept his attention on me.

“You hit yourself on the head again, soldier mare?” He asked. I met his gaze with an expression mixed between anger and fear. “Some of us would have preferred a few more minutes of sleep.”

“What he is trying to say is, are you okay?” Willow asked, rolling her eyes.

“No. I’m not. Honestly I don’t know why all of you ponies aren’t worried about yourselves!” I answered. All I received was stares, ranging from being blank in terms of expression to worried. “There was this… this thing on my back, and it was crawling around on me and tried to go up to my face–”

Of all ponies, Gemini was the one to interrupt me. “A radroach?”

“No… I mean, I don’t think it was a radroach. It was smaller, kind of orange looking, had claws and a tail like we have on Enclave armor but…”

I claimed up, realizing I was about to admit that I was afraid of an insect. Unfortunately, I had already said too much. Gold groaned in disappointment, holding his talon in his face. Sharpshot followed the latter action, but started genuinely chuckling instead. Willow followed her husband’s example and started giggling.

All of their reactions caused my fear to temporarily subside and be replaced by confusion. Then my face started to flush in embarrassment. Not much was needed for me to realize that I had made a foal of myself… again… for the second morning in a row. The worst part was, a piece of me couldn’t shake how terrifying that weird, clawed, creepy crawler was. It scared me more than any raider, feral ghoul, or otherwise. Merely thinking about it made my heartrate quicken.

“Ah. Look here,” Gold said. My eyes moved to see him standing up… and I jumped back. The beast had found its way to him. He picked it up by the tail, smiling as he examined it. “Neat little guy. Unmutated, interesting color, rather cute. Pegasus scared of this?”

“N-n-no I’m not,” I lied, unconvincingly. My pupils darted back and forth, just making it more obvious how I felt about the creature.

“Ahuh, right,” Sharpshot said, removing the thing from Gold’s talons via his magic.

Any hopes he was going to get rid of the thing was wiped out by the ghoul grinning. He floated it towards me, and I started to trot backwards in a desperate attempt to escape it. Gemini had sidestepped out of the way the moment I had gotten too close, her earlier worry having shifted into disbelief at the sight of me running for a creature three times smaller than me.

“Oh come on, soldier mare, they’re a harmless little fella,” Sharpshot replied. He briefly looked off into the distance before adding, “I think. Here hun.”

The so-called “harmless little fella” floated away from me and instead over to Willow. The alicorn audibly sqeed in joy as Sharpshot placed it on her hoof. She lifted it close to her face, as fearless and insane as ever, and eyed its movements carefully. All he did was crawl around on her leg, any time it nearly fell off being saved by her other foreleg catching it. Sharpshot joined in on watching the tiny menace, wrapping a hoof around his wife.

On the one hoof, the fact they could be happy experiencing the little things together was really sweet. On the other, their choice in small things made me question how badly balefire and I.M.P. had damaged their brains.

“S-so, uh, I take it that thing is normal?” I asked.

“Missus Rhapsody, that’s just a scorpion,” Gemini said. She tilted her head. “Do you not have scorpions in the Enclave?”

“Don’t have much up there, I think,” Gold answered, stretching his back out. “Enclave just clouds. Clouds and scrap.”

“It’s not!” I shouted back. He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, expressionless. “It’s buildings and farms and all other manner of civilized things. A heap of clouds and scrap wouldn’t be able to have a skyball stadium.”

Gemini’s ears perked up. “Skyball?”

With that one word question, my fears of the scorpion would be pushed to the side. I smiled really wide, hopping in place to face the gray unicorn in uncontained excitement.

“It’s a sport, the most popular in the Enclave. Two teams, four bases, nine phases split into halves. One team throws a ball, the other tries to hit it with a cloud bat, and make it around the bases for a point,” I explained. “All the major cities have teams. I grew up in Aery and fell in love with their team, the Blue Bolts. My husband is too; he even commentates over Enclave radio now! It’s what he decided to do with his life after leaving the military.”

No matter how much I tried to hide it, both Gemini and Gold were able to notice how my gaze grew more and more forlorn as time went on. Talking about skyball, mentioning my husband, it brought me back to one of the most wonderful days of my life. A day that no husband or wife could ever forget.

It was the day I got to go to a skyball game in person, for the first time. The day Iron Anchor proposed to me.

Thirteen years ago

I think I’ve made it obvious that the conditions I grew up in were abysmal. Low income family, horrible parents, what good days I had ruined by them. I won’t elaborate, I’ve said enough about those two pieces of shits. Basically I didn’t have a lot of toys or friends growing up, with Ironsight being the one exception. The best exception a filly could ask for.

He is the son of a councilor himself, and grew up with far more love than I certainly did. Where jealousy might have formed in many other circumstances, trust and companionship found itself instead. If he wasn’t so openly gay, I’m certain rumors would have passed around that we loved each other. Not only was that impossible from his perspective, but I was so dense and clueless about love I certainly never noticed if I felt the same.

The gifts he would get me certainly wouldn’t have helped that fact. Every birthday, he always got me one present. He got me my first ever bass, and is greatly responsible for me discovering my talent for it. The most wonderful gift he ever got me, however, was this neat little pre-war radio that had been recovered from one of the cloud Stables. That radio is how I discovered one of my favorite pastimes: skyball.

I would spend hours listening to it over the radio. Living in Aery for all of my life, before and during my military career, meant the Blue Bolt’s home games were always crystal clear. They may not have been the best team in the league, and seemed to have been cursed over the past fifty years, but I was loyal to them even at their worst. I had longed to go to a game in my younger years, but for the longest time that wasn’t an option.

Then, after three years of dating, Iron Anchor showed up with weekend passes and two tickets. He may not have been a Blue Bolt fan himself, but he loved skyball as much as me. My excitement was something uncontainable, and Singing Rhapsody the soldier was briefly replaced by Singing Rhapsody the filly. I got a hold of myself in time but, well, there was no hiding how much this met.

The experience of being physically at a game, watching pros go against pros with my eyes instead of just with my ears, was incredible! To cheer among the rest of the crowd when a home run flew into the stands was even better. Anchor got us damn good seats as well, to the left of home plate. If a ball was fouled, we would be right in place to catch it.

It took till the top of the fifth inning, but it happened.

I remember the details like I do a well made rifle. The foul ball came from a stallion named Jet Stream, the designated hitter of the team at that time, and a future hall-of-famer. Two balls, two strikes. The pitcher threw a curveball, the bat knocked it up in the air and right towards Anchor and I. I jumped to grab it, fully expecting it to be snagged from the pegasi all around me.

Instead, it ended up in my wing. I gasped, then screamed and danced like a foal. It happened! It had actually happened! I had caught a ball! Iron Anchor smiled and laughed, giving a hug with his wings.

“Congrats, hun,” he said, doing his best to maintain his own calm.

“This is… this is… oh Celestia thanks for this,” I managed to reply. It wasn’t easy to form how I felt at that moment. A stronger hug back was the best I could think of to show it, followed by a kiss. “This is the best day. I mean it. You could not have made it any better.”

His smile grew into a knowing smirk. “You sure?”

“Well if you have some way to top it, I’d be happy to be proven wrong,” I said, playfully bumping into him.

My eyes were still on the wonderfully made ball being held in my wing. I had seen one before, but never held it. It just made everything more special. I enjoyed it for as long as possible, as a mare just a few years older than me and garb in a ballpark uniform, came up to us. She smiled happily at the two of us, and held her wing out to me. Reluctantly, I gave it to her.

In the times of Equestria, and earlier on in the Enclave’s life, the skyball the very sport was named after would have been okay to keep. Unfortunately, like many things, they were a far rarer commodity in the current day. The ballparks needed every ball they had, and therefore they had to enforce a policy on retrieving them from the stands. It sucked, but I understood why it was necessary.

To the curious, yes, pegasi have tried to keep skyballs to themselves. Those folks were typically banned from entering the park again. If it got physical, and they hurt ponies? Expect a few months in jail for assault.

“Since you asked, and the top side of the inning just finished up…”

I turned back to Iron Anchor just in time to see him suddenly kneel over. My muzzle emitted sounds, but nothing that anypony might qualify as words. He brought his right wing in front of his face, and my heart skipped a beat. I had ideas of what he was about to do, but I didn’t dare believe it at first. Surely I was just seeing things. He wasn’t actually about to do it, especially with so many pegasi around us!

Except, he did.

He plucked a pinion, retracted his wing, and looked at me. My mouth hung open, as I waited for the words I knew were coming.

“Singing, these past three years with you have been the best years of my life. I can truly not think of any other pegasi I'd wished to have by my side till the end of my life,” he said. He sat up, if only so he could grip one of my forelegs with his own. “So, Singing Rhapsody, love of my life, will you marry me?”

I don’t think I can express exactly what it meant, seeing him say those words, offering me one of his feathers. That wasn’t normal; typically we pegasi wait until our vows to exchange pinions. It was a symbol of trust, that their wings were yours. No unicorn, no earth pony, not even a griffon could understand how important it was.

So the fact he was giving me it now? It wasn’t just unnatural, it was almost unheard of! Iron Anchor was making a statement with it, one that said he trusted me so much that no vow was needed to seal his trust in me. A trust defined in him comforting me later, after my failure in Trotson.

After I choose to brand myself a dashite.

He is, to me, loyalty ponified. More than Rainbow Dash ever was, and more than he will ever be.

There was only one way a mare could respond to that. I spread a wing, and plucked a pinion in turn. My eyes met his as I did my absolute best to hold back my tears of joy. Then, I gave him my answer.

“Yes.”

The pegasi around us cheered, but we didn’t pay them any mind. We exchanged the feathers we plucked, and then kissed.

“Missus Rhapsody?” Gemini called out. Her timid tone was just enough to shake me from my reminiscing. “Are you okay?”

I gave her a smile in return. “Yeah. Just thinking of some happy memories.”

I turned to my other saddlebag. Not the one containing the drugs from the hotel or the statuette, but the one containing my radio. I pulled out a feather, my husband’s feather. I had asked for it, before leaving home for good. It was all I had of him now, besides the memories of our time together.

I dared to look up at that sky, wondering frightful thoughts. Would Anchor be loyal to me? Of course, that was never a question. What about his pride, though? I couldn’t tell him the truth of my exile. As far as he knew, I had done something truly despicable.

Was that forgivable? If he did, someday, make it to the surface for me, would he be okay with the secrets? The lies?

The truths?

Being half-unicorn… it still scared me. Even with the knowledge Anchor was loyal to a fault, that Sharpshot and Willow were right about him still loving me, that fear wasn’t easily destroyed. You grow up believing something is bad, and its hard to accept that it isn’t.

I blinked as the hidden meaning of that final thought went through me, then shivered a little. I had to be more careful of these grounders. The living ones were twisting my mind as much as the dead ones.

“That his?”

I looked in front of me to see Gold eyeing Anchor’s feather, and then gazed at it with my own smile. “Yeah. Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Very pretty. Reminds me of… him.” The old griffon gave a somber smile as he lifted his head, eyes locking on me. “I… must apologize.”

“For what?”

“Telling you to forget him. Words were different, message wasn’t. Was wrong.” He looked to Sharpshot and Willow, the two still examining that scorpion creature. “Blame my own run with love. Seeing happy couples is hard. Makes me think of what I wanted.”

There was a slight pause, followed by a sigh. “I understand. How do you think I feel, watching those two? Makes me wish I was back home at times.”

“Can imagine.” The griffon turned away, stretching once more before looking off to the rising sun. “Daylight has arrived. We should eat.”

I nodded in response.

Audio files found in Shattered Moon archives

Play audio?

Yes No

???
Step forward, initiate.

[Clop clop clop]

???
While you have doubtless been told already, you still have one chance to turn back. One chance to hold onto your old identity. Are you sure you wish to join us?

Initiate
Yes I do, lady. I have nothing of my identity I wish to hold onto. What is left I’ve either long hated, or has been tarnished.

Lady
Very well. Liberty, come forth.

[Clop clop clop]

[Thump]

Lady
Tell me, do you know what this is?

Initiate
No. We had nothing like it back home.

Lady
Then I’ll have our lead alchemist explain. The floor is yours.

Liberty
Thanks, lady. Initiate, what I present to you is a truth potion, zebrican origin. None of the… additives that the Ministry of Morals added long ago. We want the truth of the old you, and only the truth.

Lady
You have reached a point of no return. If you drink this potion, we will know everything about you. If not, then we can not allow you to leave. Our zebra associate’s relation with us is too much knowledge for anyone outside the Shattered Moon to know.

Initiate
So there is no going back from this.

Lady and Liberty
Correct

Initiate
…

Lady
A choice must be made, initiate.

Initiate
I know. I’ll take it. I just… know she’ll hate me, when I see her again.

Lady
The friend you mentioned?

Initiate
The friend I was forced to betray, yes.

Lady
If they are truly somepony worthy of calling a friend, they will forgive you. Now go, drink.

[Gulp gulp]

Initiate
Tastes like shit, but there we go.

Lady
I assure you, that is not close to the worst part. Now, initiate, tell us everything!

>> fast forward >>

[Heavy breathing]

Liberty
Slow your breath. It is hard, I know.

[Heavy breathing]

>> fast forward >>

Lady
Is he resting?

???
Yes, my lady.

Lady
Thank you. You may leave.

[Clop clop clop]

[Door Creak]

[Slam]

Liberty
It was indeed where he said it would be.

Lady
Your opinions? Both on our new member and this… weapon.

Liberty
As tough as you said he was, and as dangerous as he claimed.

Lady
Do as he wished, then.

Liberty
And if this “friend” comes?

Lady
We make sure she isn’t a danger to our newest member.

Audio dated for seventeen days ago.