I was happily resting on the couch, with a sleepy Chrysalis holding me in her forelegs, which was just a thing my buggy roommate does. Will I complain? No, Chryssy is very warm. Will I remain still while my roommate sleeps? Yes. Yes I will. Look at how Chrysalis is barely staying awake, how she will yawn on occasion because it’s kinda early in the morning, and how those yawns are oddly adorable? Yeah, like hell that I’ll move while Chrysalis is one blink away from napping.

You know, I kinda enjoy and hate having so much free time. I hate it because I have no idea as to what to do, since I’m used to having most of my day be eaten up by work, but it’s also kinda neat. Now, I can wake up, look at the copy of the schedule that I had, and go back to sleep. Or even better, wake up, grab a book, and read while Chrysalis sleeps in. All the free time was… well, freeing, and my monkey brain needs mental stimulation.

So here I am, despite saying I hated doing it, planning out my next pizza cart fiasco, where I will sell even more pizza than ever before. Upon retrospection, I was probably just insanely stressed out because I didn’t have enough stuff to make enough pizzas to last me through just a lunch rush. With this new budget I’ve got in place, I will be able to buy a food cart, and then not worry about the costs of renting one whenever I do this again.

In fact, I want to do this again and abolish Equestrian pizza.

Three loud knocks on the door woke Chrysalis up, and she had quickly transformed into her ‘Crystal Clear’ disguise, she had sat up to let me go answer the door. Of course, given that Changeling Queens are apparently as strong, if not a little weaker, than a young alicorn, Chrysalis decides to hide behind me whenever somebody knocks on the door. It was kinda cute, but also made a lot of sense.

You are a part of a species, a species that has remained pretty much hidden away from any other species for eons, or whatever stupid timeframe. It would make sense that you’d want to remain hidden when your source of nutrients happens to be the emotions of others. Chrysalis, as Crystal Clear, poked her eyes just above the couch and kept my eyes on the door as I went to open it.

Oh hey, a Royal Guard with bat wings and bat fangs.

What the fuck?

“This is from Princess Luna.” I nodded dumbly when an envelope with the Equestrian Royal Seal was given to me. Next to the usual seal was Luna’s cutie mark. The guard saluted me for some reason, and I shut the door right afterwards.

“Did you rat me out and manage to suppress your emotions?”

“No. I just told Celestia that I had a cool roommate and she didn’t press any further. Plus I have no idea if you’re actually a national threat to Equestria or not, so I didn’t really see a need to scream to the heavens ‘I got a big, cute, bug horse in my house and I cuddle with her every night’.” Chrysalis began to actually blush at that. “So no, I didn’t sell you out, Chryssy. Unless you murder somebody, or me, mostly if you murder me, I won’t tell a soul. Because if you murder me, I will tell somebody even if I am dead.”

“That doesn’t sound possible.”

“It is. It just requires imagination!” I waved my hands much like Spongebob did during his little spiel about imagination.

“Well, what did Princess Luna want to send you?” I shrugged and opened up the letter.

Dear Fruit Punch

We request thy’s presence at once. Though the feeling of pressure shall not be on your mind, we merely request that you visit the castle sometime today. We have… a request for thou, if thee do not mind.

Also if thy does not comply, we shall banish thee, and imprison thou in the place we banish you to.

Your friend,

Luna.

P.S: I won’t actually banish and imprison you, Fruit, but please do stop by the castle at some point today.

Well, that’s pretty fun. “Well, Luna wants to execute me, so-”

“If she touches a hair in your mane, I will gut Moonbutt and make her sister watch,” Chrysalis snarled. “I have done far worse for those that I’ve loved.”

“What was that last bit?”

“Don’t worry about it, Fruit.”

“Okay!” I shrugged before looking down at the letter. “Well, I’ll be back later. Don’t wanna keep a Princess waiting.”

“And you best be back before midnight this time. It’s rude to keep a Queen waiting.” I nodded.

So, because I didn’t feel like saying my name today, I just decided to write ‘I am Fruit Punch. Princess Moonbutt would like to see me’ on a sticky note, and then stick that on my forehead before I left home. It was kinda hard to do with just my mouth, but then it turns out my mouth writing was better than my handwriting back on Earth. What’s even better, I could also write with my hooves, and that was better than my mouth.

I guess fingers are just for losers, but boy do I miss flipping birds.

Yeah, that’s right voices in my head, fuck you(Quick A/N: ty you for reading this far).

Anyways, the walk here was pretty uneventful, but I did get a few funny looks from people. It’s only like I put this sticky note on my head to make communicating easier, not give the public a funny nickname to call Luna. No, I did not think of the nickname until Chryssy said it, and it sounds really fucking funny. So here I am, walking up to the castle, with a totally not offensive sticky note on my head.

Weirdly enough, the guards didn’t bat an eye at the stupid thing I stuck on my head, and even let me walk by them after a glance at the note. For some reason it was really easy for them to correlate ‘Moonbutt’ with ‘Luna’. That darn Moobutt… New nickname! As I followed a guard, I began to ponder why Luna would be awake at this hour. Apparently the woman was nocturnal, but she wants me to come anywhere from eleven in the morning, to eleven at night, which as far as I’m concerned, doesn’t exactly work well with the Princess’s nocturnal habits.

Also, I was led up to the throne room instead of Luna’s bedroom. Good, I don’t want to send the wrong message across. For some sunny reason, there’s a rumor spreading throughout Canterlot that I’m having sexy times with Luna everytime I visit the castle. The only reason I know about this rumor is because Flip told me at work, and some customers even asked me if I was sleeping with Luna.

So, like any good guy, I said the rumors were true because it sounded like a funny idea.

The throne room opened up to Celestia, with Luna sitting beside her, and the two seemed to be having a very serious conversation.

“Luna, I doubt Fruit Punch actually knows how to cook.”

“But he made our sandwich when we went to Hayburger, and it was delicious! Are thou certain- good morning, Fruit,” Luna stopped mid conversation with her sister the moment the doors closed. Even from here, I could tell Luna was barely staying awake. “We have been hoping thou would be able to make today’s dinner. You see, our niece, Princess Cadance, has announced that she is to be married, and tonight’s dinner will be to announce the wedding and who her groom will be.”

“Uh…”

“Well, is thou willing to help us tonight?”

“Sure… do I gotta bring my own ingredients, or can-”

“Nonsense, use anything thou would like in the Royal Kitchen!” Okay, cool, I barely know how to cook, but I’m sure I can come up with something. In fact, I might ask Mr. Mint if I can borrow some hay patties, because I’ve got an idea.

“You… want a case of hay patties?” Mr. Mint asked. I had quickly made a run to the Hayburger that I work at, and had asked a very important question. I’m making pizza, spaghetti and hayballs, and breadsticks. All of which are not very clean foods, which’ll definitely fit into tonight’s dinner party, which’ll probably be stuffed with snobs.

“Yeah. I’m cooking for the Princesses at a party tonight, and I’ve got several ideas. And I’ll pay for the case of patties, sir.”

“Go ahead and take two! Anything for my best employee!” Mr. Mint grinned. “Now you best hurry up, my friend, it’s not wise to keep the Princesses waiting on their dinner!”

I just stared at Mr. Mint for a solid minute and a half. “Boss?” Mr. Mint looked back up from his paperwork. “Have I ever told you’re the best boss I’ve ever had?” Mr. Mint grinned. At me, and I could see a little tear run down his eyes… Okay, I would kill a man for this stallion. Good boss, wish I could spend more time with the fella because of how nice he is, and he’s letting me do this without charging me a dime?

What the fuck, Mr. Mint, why must you be so cool? Like, you’re twenty-five percent cooler than I ever was when I was a manager at McDonalds.

I sat in the Royal Kitchen, waiting for my pizzas to cook. I already had three, large pots of noodles boiling on the stove, with the sauce I used for pizza ready to dump on them once that’s done. Behind me on a cart sat six or seven other pizzas, all of which had finished cooking ten minutes ago. I was sipping on tea, because now it’s an hour until dinner is supposed to start, and my pizzas were supposed to be finished in twenty minutes.

Did I say an hour? I meant thirty minutes.

I’ve only got ten minutes after the pizza and pasta is done, to get to the dining hall and get my food on a table for everypony attending the dinner. My noodle timer went off, so I strained the noodles, threw them in a pan, and added the chopped up hayburger patties to the mix. Next, my secret recipe pizza sauce went next… and some cheese.

There, pizza styled pasta’s ready. It smelled really good, so I took a tiny bowl for myself and holy shit I am a culinary genius. The hay patty bits were actually pretty good, and felt like some really good vegan meatballs in the mouth. That meant the texture, to me, who’s used to actual meatballs, felt wrong. Taste wise, it was perfect!

Why the fuck did I choose to make food that got cold relatively quickly? In fact, why did I choose two foods that sucked when they got cold?

Oh shit the pizzas! I quickly opened the oven and they were done. In this last batch of pizza, I had put hay sausages, or just chopped up, seasoned hay patties, in them. This is gonna be my latest experiment. I threw them in the boxes, which did a good job at keeping them warm, and stuck them on the cart before rushing to the dinner hall.

I made it! I fucking made it on time and my food was on the tables for guests to grab once the dinner actually starts! Now what? Do I go sit with Luna and Celestia? Mostly Luna to help spread those cute little rumors. I could do that, or, even better, I just sit next to Celestia and get some rumors running on Sunbutt’s front as well.

I sat down next to the Sun Princess. There was that polite mask she usually wore. “Good evening Fruit Punch. I see that you have managed to make it on time… You did finish the dishes you were supposed to bring, right?” I nodded. “Please tell me they are terrible. I’ve betted ten bits and a slice of cake that you didn’t know how to cook.”

“Who’d you made the bet with?”

Luna was sitting across the dining room, now looking much more awake, and was glaring at her sister like an angry little filly.

“Uh… you’ll see when you everypony tries my stuff out.” I said with a nervous chuckle.

The dress Luna had put on was kinda pretty. In fact, everybody except me was dressed up in either a suit, if you were a stallion, or a dress if you were a mare. Even Celestia had a simple, light blue dress that she had put on for the evening. Cadance was sitting at a table next to a unicorn I recognized, Shining Armor I believe. Judging from how much of a nervous wreck the poor guy has on his face, I knew who Cadance was marrying.

Poor bastard, enjoy the free life while you can… Wait, he’s marrying a Princess…

Yeah, rest in peace, you poor, poor soul.

Eventually the dinner had started, and everybody had gotten up to go choose what they’d like for dinner. My food got eyed by a bunch of ponies who had all noted that it smelled and tasted kinda weird, but took a slice of pizza and a scoop of the pasta anyways. Sadly, I didn’t have the time to make breadsticks(or I forgot how to make bread), so I couldn’t get any of those out. Luna took two scoops of the pasta and a slice of pizza, while Celestia did the opposite. Two slices of pizza and a scoop of pasta.

And a big chunk of a chocolate cake that was up for grabs.

What did I grab? Well, I was so nervous about making food that I forgot that I was at a dinner party and continued to awkwardly sit at my table. Luna had moved from her spot to sit with me and Celestia, who had been nice enough to actually bring me some corn and a scoop of my own pasta. You see, all the stuff made for today had a chef’s name written out on paper just in front of what they were serving.

Everyone knows what I’ve just made today.

I need my emotional support Changeling Queen right now.

“Greetings, everypony!” Cadance stood up, holding a glass of what was probably wine in her magic. “As you all know, this party is being thrown to announce that I am getting married in a few months…” Cadance smiled at Shining Armor, who was now even more nervous. “And of course, I will be announcing who my groom will be tonight. For now, however, let us enjoy our dinner!” Cadance raised her glass; cheers to such a wonderful evening.

Oh yeah, it didn’t fucking help that she and Shining Armor were sitting at my table! Why? Why am I sitting here? Jesus fucking- I am going to jump out of a window at this rate. Why did I choose the one table where all three Equestrian Princesses were sitting? Fruit, you fucking dumbass.

Cadance and Shining Armor had a small assortment of food on their plates, including some of my own dishes.

“So, Fruit, you didn’t tell me you knew how to cook,” Celestia said, taking in the smell of the pasta. “Because this smells quite lovely.”

“Uh…” is it too late to shove my fork in my throat? I hate this. I hate this. I fucking hate this. Twelve out of the thirty ponies in this room have chosen my food. Why? Why do you idiots have to try something new? Actually, please hate my food so I can at least-“

“Mmm! That is good!” Cadance said cheerfully, now wiping her lips from the pizza slice she just ate.

Shining Armor looked up at me. “Dude, you’re teaching me how you made this!”

Celestia made a slurping noise. “My apologies,” she said. Where the fuck did all that pasta go? Actually, how the hell was Luna already done eating? Bro, what the hell were these alicorn’s stomachs? Blackholes?

Oh god, why does Luna look angry?

“Fruit Punch,” well shit. “This is the best thing I have had the pleasure of eating…” Luna grinned and looked up at Celestia. “You owe me ten bits, by the way.” Celesita snorted, before coughing up the bits, and some of her chocolate cake.

Several ponies had gone up for seconds, most of whom were ponies who had chosen to get some of my food.

“Gah! This is disgusting!” I looked up to see… some white unicorn, who had also been sitting at my table for some reason, was glaring at the pizza sauce on the napkin he had just used. “Who made this atrocious abomination? The taste is subpar at best, and is incredibly messy!”

Oh.

“And the pony who made this, decided to use haypatties! I am above eating such dirt.”

“Prince Blueblood,” Celestia said in a stern voice.

“What auntie?”

“You are causing a scene.” Everybody in the room was staring at Blueblood.

“Also, I made the thing you just ate,” I raised my hoof. “You wanna know the recipe?”

“You think I wish to know how you made this travesty?” Blueblood asked. He magicked up a singular pasta noodle.

“Yes you do! The ingredients include:

“Glue, saw dust, a rock or twenty seven, a dragon’s toe nail, onions, and a bit of Princess Celestia’s hair…” I said as seriously as possible. “I heard that eating a Princess’s hair can make you immortal.” I flashed the rest of the table a quick wink and a grin before going back to my serious face. “It’s a trade secret Luna told me once.”

“It… Can it?” Prince Blueblood asked. He looked to his aunts, who both nodded.

“Yuh. Just eat the whole thing and shut the fuck up. It’ll turn you into an alicorn in the morning. In fact, eat the whole pot of pasta on the table over there!” Blueblood suddenly grinned like an idiot before going to eat the whole thing.

Funnily enough, despite saying he hated it, Blueblood seemed to have a huge smile on his face as he lugged the pot out of the room.

Checkmate, asshole.

later…

Blueblood spent the next three days on the toilet. This case of the runs was so bad that Prince Blueblood had to get a new toilet shortly after he was done.

Author's Note

Get fucked, Blueblood.