I can't believe it's naught but her

by Near Miss

Rating: teen
Tags: Sunset Shimmer, Queen Chrysalis, Profanity, Scootaloo, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Rarity, Sex
Length: 1021

Butter Blades has 99 problems butter stick ain't one

While trying to pony diffusion some pictures of Derpy rollerblading, the ai decided to instead focus on a yellow pegasus to the point where we just had to give her a name.

And a special talent.

And all the puns that have ever existed.

Please Welcome: Butter Blades

[Mild lewd humor, but no clop]

Published 2023-03-20 03:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-03-20 03:20:00 UTC

The Chapter

Not all ponies know how to use roller blades, of those that do, most can't do it backwards, of those that can, most look where they're going, of those who don't only one can usually be found daydreaming at the same time.

Butter Blades was in her own world, barely noticing the odd panicked pedestrian precariously passed at perilous proximity. She was jolted back to reality by a sudden thickening of the ponies walking behind her. Slowing sharply, BB made her way through the crowd, moving forwards this time, to see the front half of Scootaloo protruding from a drainpipe. Scootaloo saw BB, and called out, "Butter! Help a girl out will ya? I'm stuck in my front door again!"

"Hold your horses, I'll get you out again," BB replied, approaching the stuck pegasus and producing her signature stick of butter seemingly from thin air. "Just gotta get your butt buttered up here," and following a solid yank, Scootaloo was again free.

"Thanks BB, you're a life saver. I don't think I'll ever understand how you just know when somepony needs butter, but I'm glad you do." Scootaloo said, trying to brush herself off, but only managing to spread the butter around.

"That's the thing, I don't really know when or where butter will be needed, but I always seem to end up at the right place," Butter Blades countered rubbing her chin thoughtfully, "Also, you'll want to clean yourself up before you get up to anything, don't want you to stroll past a fire and get butter balled." And with that BB took her leave, continuing through the park towards downtown and Milk-Shak'em-s, the most popular hayburger joint around.

With a large butterscoch milkshake in hand, BB was about to make her way back outside when her attention was drawn to Sunset Shimmer emitting a defeated groan, head in her hands. Riker-ing a stool, BB sat down next to Sunset, "What's wrong Shimmy?"

"I can't stop these watercolors from running together, and I need this banner done by tonight!" She said, holding up one end of a long banner with letters outlined on it.

"Don't worry, I've got just the thing- just outline the shapes with butter and the watercolors won't run where you don't want them!" BB beamed, proffering a freshly extant stick of butter. As she turned to leave, a thought crossed her mind, "By the way, what's the rush on the banner?"

"I kinda blew up the school again, so I need another apology banner."

Continuing on her buttery way, Butter Blades soon came upon a police roadblock which had crawled to a stop. Spotting everypony's favorite cholestero-gal, Officer Prosaic Prattle beckoned BB over. "Am I ever glad to see you Miss Butter Blades! Princess Cadence ordered us to set up a roadblock and cavity search everypony heading north on Mane Street. It went well at first, we kept the line moving and the wait wasn't too long, but then around noon the line stopped getting any shorter. We were fisting faster than a boxer on a speed bag on a speed ball, yet if anything the line was getting longer."

"That's not the only thing was gettin' longer!"

"DAMN IT CORRAL! Princess Pretty Pink may have prevailed 'pon us to punch puckered ponuts down in Pony Plaza, but we can still practice some Pissin' Pro-fessionalism!" He turned back to BB, "Sorry about that Miss Butter, but the reason I called you over here is that now we're also out of lube."

"I was wondering why I suddenly needed to take this detour," Butter answered, as she precipitated the presence of yet another stick of butter. As she turned to leave, another officer told his most recent searchee that they were good to go, only for the pony in question to gasp theatrically.

"Oh no! I left my purse at the start of the line, guess I'll have to go back through again!"

"Guards! What is all this?" The line parted to reveal Princess Cadence, looking confused and annoyed.

"As you ordered, we're cavity searching everypony going north on Mane Street." Answered Prosaic Prattle proudly.

Cadence was taken aback, "I gave no such order. Also, You!" She called to the pony returning to the back of the line, "Don't think I didn't see you there Chrysalis, Shiny needs you to pick up Flurry Heart after summer camp today."

Butter Blades continued on her way, not really heading anywhere in particular, at least not that she knew of, and before long she had made her way to the town playground, where Rarity was struggling to get the perfect selfie while ostensibly keeping an eye on the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they played on the jungle gym. Rolling up to Little Miss Couch Faint, BB inquired as to what was wrong.

"Oh Butter Darling! I'm having the most dread-ful time getting this selfie just right, the pond behind me simply will not settle down!" Rarity declared in a huff, "I'm not quite sure how butter could possibly help my situation, but nevertheless, here you are."

BB surveyed the situation briefly before refocusing, and straightening up in triumph. "Rarity, what you need is softer focus- You need to use a Vasoline shot for your photo!" As Butter Blades's arm thrust towards Rarity, for the tiniest of instants all the colors of the world inverted with an audible, brittle crack. Almost before it had started it was over, and the world was back to how it had been, except BB was now holding a stick of butter.

Rarity's eyes brightened sharply as she accepted BB's gift. "Sweet Celestia, of course! Thank you Butter Blades! Thank you! You truly are the town's greasiest hero!"

"You Butter believe it"

"Don't worry Scootaloo, we'll get you out of that slide," Applebloom called, "Big Mac taught me you can get anything into or out of a hole if you push hard enough."

From the distance, "DAMN IT CORRAL! Stop padding it to 1000 words!"

Author's Note

For those of you who don't know, this is Riker-ing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVIGhYMwRgs