This Lonesome Cattle Call
Twilight sat slumped on her throne with her head in her hooves, a low groan emanating from somewhere deep in her larynx. The groan went on for some time, punctuated by occasional slight stuttering, like a sound loop that wasn’t quite matched at the join.
“What’s the matter, Twilight?” asked Fluttershy. “You don’t sound too good.”
At first there was no reply but another, slightly more heartfelt groan. Fluttershy waited a few moments and then gently placed a forehoof on Twilight’s shoulder, not without a little apprehension. As she did so, Applejack trotted in, head held high and hat tilted back. Her coat was sheened with sweat and she was breathing hard.
“Hoo-ee,” she said, “I’m meltin’ like a popsicle on a stove-top. That was one hay of a Summertime Sprint.” She ran a proprietorial hoof over the blue ribbon on her left saddlebag. “Not sure I’ll even be fastest Apple next year, though – young ‘Bloom almost got me at the end there.” She chuckled. “Must be gettin’ old, though Granny’d have my hide if she heard me say a thing like that!” She blinked as she saw what Fluttershy was doing.
“What’s wrong with Twilight?” she asked, nodding towards the groaning mare.
Twilight’s head came up very slowly. Applejack took an uncertain step back.
“I’ve been trying to organise the Critter Concert Classic for Fluttershy for the last two hours,” said Twilight, “and it’s just totally and utterly impossible. Arghh!” Applejack took a few more steps back, only stopping when she realised she’d hit cold stone. She recovered a little.
“Now that’s somethin’ I’m looking forward to right well,” she said. “Big Mac’s been teachin’ me all about drummin’. Reckon it’s all there now.” Her eyes wandered a little as she spoke, and Fluttershy fancied her already red cheeks had darkened just a little further. “All ways, helpin’ the critters is my pleasure, ‘specially for a good friend.”
Twilight looked her dead in the eye. “That’s honestly very good of you, Applejack. But if I can’t find at least a few more musicians then we may as well call the whole thing off. We have the three of us, Big Mac, Fluttershy’s birds and… well, and. That’s all we have.”
“Surely Rarity would be happy to—”
“—sneeze rhythmically? She’s tucked up in bed with a terrible cold and a gallon of cocoa. And before you ask, so is Sweetie Belle, poor filly. The other Crusaders are off visiting Babs in Manehattan with Scootaloo’s aunts. Spike is only interested in the concert if he can, and this is a direct quote, ‘rock the hay out’. Lyra, Octavia and Vinyl are in Canterlot, participating in some kind of ceremony at the School for Gifted Unicorns. Who else is there? Nopony, that’s who!”
Fluttershy hung her head. “I understand,” she said. “It’s not your fault, Twilight,” she added kindly. She turned to leave, but as Applejack began to follow suit she stopped dead in her tracks.
“Wait one cotton-pickin’ minute,” she said, “what about Mooriel?”
Twilight blinked. “The cow? She can sing?”
“She sure can. That whole barn can – or bang a tambourine or stomp in time or whatever. Ain’t much else to do in the winter when the fields are all too icy to run on an’ you gotta keep warm somehow.”
A quiet little brown moth of hope twitched in Fluttershy’s stomach. She brushed her mane out of her eyes, where it had ended up again, and thought about saying something encouraging. While she was still wondering what to say, Twilight fixed the problem for her.
“There is still one problem.”
Ah. This one was not fixed.
“We don’t have a large enough canopy to keep everypony out of the sun. And no,” she laughed the slightly brittle laugh of a pony who wasn’t absolutely sure whether she was joking, “I really can’t ask Princess Celestia to lower the sun just for us halfway through the afternoon. If you remember, Princess Luna wasn’t exactly ecstatic the last time ponies changed things up for the sake of a show. The weather for that day is already scheduled to be fine, in any case.”
Fluttershy rubbed the back of her neck; it felt unaccountably hot. “Well then,” she said, “some of us will have to stay outside. I’m afraid it will be rather warm, though.” She smiled. “But I don’t mind, and I expect Mazarine ‒ he’s my blue jay tenor, you know – won’t complain either.” She thought for a moment. “Well, not too much.” And another moment. “I hope.”
Twilight's horn sparked into life. She produced a travel quill and scribbled some notes on a handy surface – which happened to be the flat stone arm of her throne. “It’s no good,” she said at last. “We’re still going to have to leave one of the cows outside.” She muttered a quick spell to erase the graffiti, to the considerable disappointment of thaumo-archaeologists in generations yet to come.
Fluttershy grimaced. “Oh no,” she objected, “that won’t do at all. Cows are herd animals—”
“We’re herd animals!” cut in Twilight, a touch heatedly.
“—and Mooira in particular can get very nervous if she’s separated from the others,” continued Fluttershy, scarcely missing a beat. “I’m really not sure what to do. Oh dear.” Her ears drooped and her shoulders sagged. “Maybe this whole thing wasn’t such a good idea.”
Applejack reached over and lifted her chin. “Don’t you worry yourself about that now. I’ll stay out there in the sun. Land sakes, Fluttershy, I’m a farmer; we gotta be out in all weathers. Ain’t nothin’ I can’t deal with. Ain’t nothin’ I ain’t dealt with, for that matter.”
Fluttershy hesitated, reluctant to impose on one of her best friends. Applejack would never make an offer like that anything less than honestly, that much she knew. But the midsummer sun could still be harsh, and the concert would be when it was at its very hottest. It could hardly be comfortable for AJ going all-out with the drums – and hardy as she was, she was sure to catch a touch of sunburn, at the very least.
Applejack caught her look. “I’ll be facin’ away from the sun, Flutters. Don’t you worry now. And gettin’ the sun on my back and flanks?” She smiled. “Reckon I can deal with that for a spell. It’s what back in Granny’s granny’s days they used to call the farmer’s blessin’.” She gave an earthy chuckle. “Plus my coat’s already kinda brown, so Rarity won’t have to worry I’ll be ruining my complexion, darling.”
Her knowingly terrible impersonation broke the tension and everypony laughed, even Twilight. She still had a slightly hunted expression, but at least she no longer looked as though she was one misplaced word away from sending the entire castle to the Moon. Maybe three or four.
“Flutters, I mean it,” insisted Applejack. “So I’ll get my backside warmed a bit. Not gonna be the worst I’ve gone through all these years, is it now?”
“And you’d really do that for us?” asked Twilight, looking up with a glimmer of hope in her eyes. “Just so that Mooriel and the others can play with us at the concert?”
Applejack smiled, that big down-home smile that was her greatest earth pony magic. “Darn tootin’. A herd in the band is worth stewin’ the tush.”
Author's Note
Yeah, I know it's not the most original punchline. But it wouldn't get out of my head until I used it, so I had to write a story to go with it. I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I'm really not.
