Arachnophobia

by Dennis the Menace

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5594

It was here, in my room. Somewhere, skittering along on its eight spindly legs.

Spiders. Oh, how I hate spiders. And yet Luna insists on keeping one as a...pet.

Just a little fun story to keep my skills sharp, so don't expect it to last very long!

Published 2012-09-25 18:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-09 06:05:37 UTC

Itsy-Bitsy Spawn of Tartarus

In the long run, I should have seen it coming a mile away. Perhaps this was punishment. That fateful day when Luna would want a furry companion. And how ironic that the most endearing aspect of her new pet terrified me out of my wits. Dear sister wanted a pet. Why, oh why, did I ever indulge her? I should have quashed her dream like a bug, perhaps convinced her a pet was not worth it.

But I agreed. I encouraged her to have a pet. A little buddy, if you will, to entertain her and keep her company during those long, dreary nights. And so I recommended Luna to the best pet specialist I knew: Fluttershy. Luna later described to me the near orgasmic reaction the pegasus had when Luna came knocking for a pet. Fluttershy was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest creature in all of Equestria. To want to harm her was a crime against nature.

And yet, I felt an overwhelming desire to do so. I should have thrown her in the dungeon when I had the chance.

Out of all the pets to choose from, it had to be that one. There were so many pets to choose from! A dog, for instance. A cat! A hamster, or a gerbil, a turtle or a songbird! Even a snake was preferable to that...thing.

"Is he not adorable?" Luna said as it crawled along her outstretched hoof.

As for me, my flanks were pressed against the farthest corner of the room, away from it. "Adorable?"

"Who's adorable?" Luna gushed. "You are, Atticus! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

That infernal creature crawled along her hoof toward her chest. I felt my body go numb and tingle with fear, its razor-sharp fangs dripping with venom nearing her neck as it continued to crawl almost slowly toward her face. Its eight limbs moved in such a manner that made me want to retch. Its beady, soulless eyes were expressionless. The arachnid had a furry body. Why does it even have hair? It doesn't even have skin!

"Don't let it bite you!" I warned, nearly shrieking.

"Oh, don't be silly, Celestia. Atticus would never bite me!"

"He could be poisonous!"

"I assure you he is not. And even if he was, if he bit you, it would be comparable to a bee sting."

I was not letting that thing within twenty feet of me.

"Oho, look, 'Tia."

The blood drained from my face. I covered my eyes, nearly on the verge of passing out.

"Look, look, he's on my face."

My pale coat was paling even more. My face felt cold. I felt ill.

"Heehee, he's in my hair."

I could not help but feel as if a thousand spiders were crawling all over my body. In an extremely uncouth manner I teleported out of her bedroom, beads of sweat sliding down my body.

Not only a spider. Oh no, it just couldn't have been a spider that I could quash with a hoof. It was a tarantula. A hairy, demonic tarantula with eight long, spindly, twitching, furry legs and four beady black eyes. She even gave it a name! Atticus! What kind of a name was that?

It wasn't enough that she kept it in her room, though preferably in a dungeon. Luna insisted on not keeping Atticus caged up.

Oh, and that could have been the end of it all. Everything would have been all said and done and everything all well and good. I would just never step hoof in her bedroom again.

But then Luna had to bring him to dinner.

"Goodness, Luna, not at the dinner table!"

"If Philomena is allowed to be present during supper, I think Atticus should be allowed to as well."

It sat on her head as she ate her salad, often times crawling around on her head only to plant itself back on her crown, as if using it as a bed.

I had no room to talk. So I continued to eat my salad, trying not to retch as I did so, trying to think of pleasant things. I looked up.

Atticus was staring at me. Just...staring. Not moving.

I stared back, wishing I could have laser beams shoot from my eyes and vaporize him. I gazed back intensely, narrowing my eyes, not daring to blink, for if I did, he would have shot onto my face in an instant. And for some reason, at that particular moment when he and I faced off in a battle of wits, I began to think. And I began to plan. In that moment when our eyes met, I'd already decided in my mind on a way to get rid of him, already planning his demise. It was a declaration of war.

There was a time I would happily declare to anypony that I was not afraid of spiders. I loved every creature in the world, especially my little ponies.

But I make an exception for spiders. They are Death incarnate, wrapped in scary. There was nothing cute about a spider. No endearing qualities. You couldn't cuddle with a spider. Hug it, or pet it. Play fetch or have it do tricks.

You may tell me that spiders have families. Every living creature is sentient. They should all have a right to life. I make an exception, and it is with this fact that spiders have families that I insist we should murder them all.

And then there is some twisted logic that somepony decided would be good to tell their foal that they were bigger than a spider, and there was no reason to be afraid. That is precisely the reason they are so terrifying. They seem so harmless, their lethargic movement so disarming, that you let your guard down.

Tonight, I would have royal guards sweep my room for the mere trace of a spiderweb. And even after my faithful guards confirm that there were, in fact, no spiders lurking in my bedsheets, I would probably be unable to sleep. Spiders were everywhere. And I would not let one get the jump on me.

You know what's more fun than spiders? A brick. A brick is so useful. You can use it for all sorts of things. Like crushing spiders. Did you know you can play games with a brick? I would have loved to play brick tag with Luna. See, all you have to do is get hit by the brick to be "it".

Blunt force trauma. Fun. I'd play brick tag with Atticus.

Or, or, you could jump over a brick! Or crush a spider with it. Or drop a brick from a tall tower. Onto a spider.

I think I've gone insane.

Nature's Cthulhu

Seriously, whose idea was it to even come up with spiders? It certainly wasn't mine. For some reason my little ponies seemed to entertain this idea that I was a god and master of the universe, having created them and everything on this wretched planet. First off, I only control half of the universe. My only job is to the move the sun up and down, and sometimes I might lock myself in my room and cackle maniacally as a healthy way to relieve stress while moving the sun back and forth, if only to annoy Luna. So there, I didn't make spiders. Mother Nature did, and in my humble opinion, I think that Mother Nature was on her period when she made spiders.

Nature is scary. I looked it up. Do you know how many types of spiders are out there? How many species inhabit the Everfree Forest and even in Canterlot? Too many. My solution for dealing with spiders mostly involved me using a blowtorch. Or a flamethrower.

So when I cracked open a spider encyclopedia in the castle library, trying not to squirm as I read through all kinds of species, I realized that I was going to need a much larger flamethrower. The sun was a good way to incinerate every spider on the face of the earth, and just about everything else too.

What is wrong with me? I'm seriously considering using the sun to kill spiders.

I'm starting to think Luna got Atticus for the sole purpose of unnerving me. I wouldn't put it past her to do that sort of thing. After all, she did put a bug on my pillow as payback for last Nightmare Night.

"No," I huffed.

I would not let her get the best of me. I would not. I am Princess Celestia! And I would not let some itty-bitty spider get the best of me. That itty...bitty little creature...with eight legs. Moving in tandem, crawling...

Philomena crooned worriedly.

"I am fine, Philomena. Do you like Atticus?"

The phoenix tilted her head.

"Would you eat him for me?"

She squawked in protest, giving me a firm shake of her head.

"Some help you are," I said lightly, giving her an affectionate pet.

They say that the best way to overcome your fear is to face it. And tonight, I was going to do exactly that. I was going to march over to Luna's room, and face Atticus, and he would learn to fear me, just like all my little ponies have.

Just in case, I donned my battle crest and weighed horseshoes, perfect for crushing ribs. Or spiders.

"Sister, look, look! I'm teaching him tricks!" Luna squealed.

I eyed the spider on her desk warily, taking slow steps.

"I didn't know spiders could even do tricks."

"Of course they can! They are very intelligent, sister! Just watch," she said, puffing her chest. She said to Atticus, "Shake."

Atticus reached his outermost limb, mimicking a hoofshake with Luna.

"Roll over!"

The spider complied, rolling over lazily and skittering back into place.

"Good boy!" Luna gushed.

"That is very nice, but..."

"Wait, wait!" Luna plopped her abacus down upon the desk.

My heart nearly leapt out of my chest when Atticus jumped onto the thing, his long legs flicking the beads back and forth.

"Is he doing what I think he is doing?"

"Indeed! Two times two!"

Atticus flicked the beads, counting four.

"Five times three!"

Fifteen beads.

"Isn't he so smart?"

I was already praying to whatever higher power existed to give me mercy. This spider was intelligent. And I knew that right then and there, we had a royal threat. Even more dangerous than changelings. Canterlot was in danger of being under siege by intelligent spiders. Oh, you may laugh. But spiders had already conquered basic arithmetic, and soon, they would set their beady little eyes on Canterlot.

"Here's a treat, Atticus!"

In Luna's magical grip was a dead insect. She dropped the meal in front of the carnivorous spider, and I watched in horror as it devoured it, sinking its fangs into it with extreme aggression.

"Isn't he cute? Sister? 'Tia?"

KILL IT WITH FIRE KILL IT WITH FIRE, my mind screamed as I bolted from her room like a foal, struggling to breathe.

My guards didn't do so much as bat an eye as I came galloping along frantically, slamming my doors hard enough to shake the castle. The first thing I did was jump in a bath of ice cold water, if only to get rid of that horrible itchy feeling. However, that ice cold bath turned into a somewhat pleasurable bubble bath, and I decided to sink down into the lukewarm waters, sighing. At least in here, there were no spiders.

Even as my eyes were closed, my ear perked toward the sound of something...rubbing along the linoleum. I concentrated, my eyes screwed shut. It sounded like somebody was rubbing...sandpaper or something. However, I soon realized that sound resembled more of a stampede of tiny buffaloes. They were rapid little steps, shuffling along the floor.

There was a knock at the door. "Sister? Sister, are you in there?"

"Yes, Luna?"

"I cannot find Atticus!"

My purple eyes snapped open in horror.

"He was with you less than fifteen minutes ago."

"I know! But after you ran off, he just disappeared! Did he follow you?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Have you ever heard me scream?

Of course not. And now you have. And to be frank, I sound positively heavenly even as I scream for my life.

I shot up out of the bath in terror. When Luna and my guards came barging in, they searched everywhere.

"Sister! Sister, are you alright?"

They glanced up, watching me cling to the ceiling like a spider. "He's in here!" I shuddered. "Atticus is in the bathroom!"

Luna searched around before finding Atticus on bathroom mirror. "Here you are! Don't you ever leave me again!"

"H-He infiltrated my bathroom...violated my p-privacy..."

"I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it!"

Atticus was sending a message. He could get to me anytime, anywhere, and now I knew it as well.

This was war.

Web of Shadows

For the next two days, life continued normally. Well, as normally as you'd expect. Having Twilight Sparkle as my faithful student made it somewhat difficult to live a normal life, especially having scrolls fall on your head at any given moment. I dared not venture into Luna's room. I almost forgot about Atticus, seeing as Luna and I had come to agree upon not having our pets at the dinner table.

That all changed when one evening after dinner, I came trotting down our hall and found webs clinging to my hooves. Naturally, I did what most ponies do when ensnared in those infernal deathtraps.

Scream like a filly and run around in circles while trying to yank them off until I realized that tarantulas lived in webs. Or at least, made webs. And that meant they weren't far behind. That meant...

There was that burning, itching sensation again. A swarm of spiders engulfed my body. I screamed.

"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" I howled, stopping, dropping, and rolling like it was going out of fashion. "STOP DROP AND ROLL!"

My guards barely moved. One blinked. The other yawned.

"Sister? What on earth are you doing?"

I glanced up, seeing Luna's face twisted in a small smirk, trying to mask it behind a facade of concern.

"You," I growled, "you, he, it!" I held up my hoof for her to see. "He did this!"

Luna gasped in mock horror. "Atticus!"

In the blink of an eye, Atticus shot between us. I screamed and jumped up onto the ceiling again.

The irony was not lost on me.

"Did you make these webs, Atticus?"

The tarantula drooped slightly.

"Oh, I can't be mad at you, my itsy-bitsy spider."

There were many ways to describe that wretched thing, and "itsy" and "bitsy" were not words to use. That thing was the size of a dinner plate!

"Nocturne, Apollo!"

In an instant, her two Lunar Guards appeared in a shadowy wisp. They bore the same bored expression that my guards wore, except their eyes were slitted like a dragon's and had the wings of a bat.

"Make sure Atticus gets back to my room, and have these webs cleaned up!"

The guard I assumed who was Nocturne simply reached down and scooped up Atticus in his hoof, slipping him onto his helmet. I deemed it safe to come back to the floor, landing with a soft thump as I watched that brave soul carry the monster away. Apollo had a duster in his mouth as he began cleaning them up.

"I assure you, 'Tia, Atticus is harmless!"

"I'm not afraid of a spider."

"Tarantula."

"It does not matter," I said with a huff. "He does not scare me."

"Of course," Luna grinned. "Whatever you say."

Luna got the last word and began trotted away with the biggest smirk on her face.

"I know what you're doing!" I screamed after her. "I'm onto you! Do you hear me?"

This was bugging me, pardon the pun. I was going to have to show that spider (tarantula) who was large and in charge. And I don't mean large as in my juicy flanks (yes I saw you staring).

I frowned, looking at my figure in the mirror.

"Note to self," I said aloud. "Less cake."

I reached under my mattress and pulled out a briefcase containing weapons of mass destruction, opening it with a click.

"Let's see you survive this!" I rummaging around it. "Let's see here. Nuclear launch codes...C4...aha."

I raised the brick triumphantly into the air, hefting it several times in my magical grip before striding out confidently, telling my guards,

"If Luna asks, I'm in the kitchen."

They didn't even bother to ask why I was carrying a brick around.

I bucked open Luna's doors like a mare in an action flick, scanning the room for my target when I saw him, crawling around on her desk.

"You," I scowled.

The spider made no sudden moves. Yes, that spider (tarantula) was smart indeed.

"You listen to me, you parasite," I hissed, feeling a little braver. "If you're going to be Luna's pet, there's going to be some ground rules."

The tarantula moved along the table lazily. Did he even understand me?

"First off, don't be creepy. I'm sure this goes against your nature, but don't stalk me," I warned.

The arachnid stopped, turning slowly. It resumed whatever it was doing. I assumed it was making more webs.

"Or else," I added, holding up a brick. "See this?"

Atticus seemed to have a curious expression as he tilted his body, like a pony cocking their head in confusion.

"That's right. Your spider sense is tingling! This brick will be the death of you."

He raised his front legs. I raised my brick. It was the showdown of the century, I tell you. A tumbleweed rolled through the room.

Silence.

Atticus crept forward on her desk. I raised the brick even higher, and using a magical spell, ignited the brick.

"I have a flaming brick. You don't. Do we understand each other?"

He lowered his front legs.

"Good," I said, tossing the brick out the window. "Now that that's settled—"

Atticus jumped onto my muzzle. I felt his furry legs on my face, wriggling and gesticulating, as if he was trying to speak or convey something to me. Perhaps he was trying to tell me that he was going to conquer the world, or bite me in my sleep. Or maybe he was trying to be friendly.

Because the best way to be friendly is jump on somepony's face.

His red eyes were wide and innocent, but in that split second, I saw nothing but a tarantula on my face.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

To Kill a Mocking Spider

The sound I made was a cross between a seizure and foaming at the mouth. My entire face twitched, and I began to spasm and squirm at the thought of those eggs. All those little, itty-bitty eggs...hundreds upon thousands of itty-bitty tarantulas, crawling all over me, swarming Canterlot, all of Equestria wrapped in a vicious web.

"Sister?" A blue hoof waved in front of my face. "Sister?"

I collapsed, helpless as they all clambering onto my body, engulfing me. I screamed a pitiful wail, raising a hoof into the air.

"Sister, what are you doing?"

I looked up at her wearily, my shimmering mane erratic and messy. "Y-You..."

"Yes?" She leaned in. "Speak up?"

"Come closer, my sister," I whispered.

She came closer, her ear at my mouth.

"You devil."

Luna smirked and laughed falsely. "Why would you ever say such a thing, 'Tia? Ha-ha!"

I loomed over her, and she seemed to shrink slightly. "You know exactly why! I know what you're doing!" I roared. "I know everything!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Luna huffed. "If you mean to suggest that you are afraid of a little tarantula..." Her eyes flashed wickedly.

My mouth went dry. I choked, stammering. "M-Me?"

"There's no shame in admitting it."

I had no words. I backed her into a corner, growling, my mane fiery red. I held my breath, the sound of a steam whistle audible, signalling an impending explosion. It never came.

I slumped miserably. "Yes. I admit it. I am afraid of tarantulas."

"Really?"

I looked up at her, my expression matching hers. Shock.

"I thought you didn't like spiders."

"THAT IS THE SAME THING!"

"Ow! Do not scream in my ear!"

"YOU MEAN USING MY OUTDOOR VOICE? WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY YELLING!"

"Sister, that is really loud!"

"OH, I'M SORRY! I'M PRINCESS LUNA, I HAVE NO INDOOR VOICE!"

Luna gasped. "Low blow."

"LOUD NOISES!"

"Sister, on a scale of one to ten, how afraid are you of spiders?"

"ELEVEN!"

"I thought Nightmare Moon was a ten."

"NIGHTMARE MOON OVER SPIDERS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!"

"You can stop screaming. I never realized how deathly afraid you were. I thought everypony tended not to like them."

"Did it ever occur to you why a pony's first instinct is to crush a spider underhoof rather than scoop it up and play fetch?" I hissed.

"Evolutionary instincts and psychology?"

"In my case, I plan on bringing the sun down on Atticus."

Luna poked me. Hard. "You will not harm Atticus." She smiled. "In fact, I have a better idea."

"What's that? Moving them into the forest?"

"Rehabilitation."

"I don't like this."

"You don't have to like this, 'Tia. I promise, this will help."

"I still think you were doing this on purpose."

"Maybe a little."

"What clued you in?"

"I put a toy spider on your pillow and you blew a hole in your bedroom," Luna giggled. "Now Atticus, be very nice and slow." He crawled back and forth on her outstretched leg.

I backed away. "Wait, wait, wait. We need to have a safe word."

"Safe word?"

"For when I'm feeling uncomfortable."

"Then 'safe word' the safe word shall be."

"No, no," I shook my head. "It has to be something we would never say normally."

"Okay. 'Moon."

"No, no. 'Banana'."

"The safe word is 'banana'?"

"Yes, okay."

Luna approached slowly, Atticus on her hoof.

"Banana," I shrieked. "Banana!"

"You didn't even touch him!"

"I felt uncomfortable."

She glowered at me, snatching my hoof in hers. "Don't move. Simply hold Atticus for a few seconds."

My teeth ground together as I looked away, silently screaming as I felt his leg touch my coat. My first instinct was to pull away and zap him, but Luna held me tight.

"You're doing good."

More legs crawled onto my hoof.

"Banana! BANANA!"

"Sister, look, you're holding him!"

"BANANA!"

"No no no, you're doing great!"

I looked at my hoof, and shrieked, seeing only Atticus' black body and red eyes. He didn't move. He simply stared at me, his fangs twitching idly.

"I'm...I'm doing it!"

"Yes, yes you are!" Luna cheered. "Now crawl a bit, Atticus."

"BANANA, BANANA!"

Atticus crawled at a snail's pace along. Each touch of his fuzzy leg made me feel like I was on fire. I was itching all over. I squinted a bit, and on his ugly face, I saw his fangs curve, his eyes lighting up in a smile. I gave a forced smile back.

"Good job!" Atticus crawled back onto Luna's hoof. "See? They aren't so bad."

Sure, I was sweating all over. But I felt...better.

"You're right," I said softly. "He is very...docile."

"Would you like to meet his girlfriend?" Luna asked with a girly squeal.

I gave a weary smile. "Of course."

Out from the depths of the broom closet, a hideous creature twice the size of Atticus emerged, rumbling and hissing.

"Isn't it amazing? The females are giants compared to the males."

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—"

Some Ponies Just Want to Watch the World Burn

"Okay, 'Tia, we're going to try something different."

"I DON'T LIKE DIFFERENT, LUNA!" I hyperventilated.

So maybe I'd tried to bring the sun down upon Canterlot. So maybe I was laughing maniacally as I tried. So maybe I'd been screaming,

"BURN, BABY, BURN!"

as I did, but thankfully, Luna stopped me from indulging my pent-up, homicidal tendencies.

"The spiders can't hurt you 'Tia."

"Oh YES they can!"

"Shhh."

"Don't shush me! I want those spiders out!"

Luna stomped a hoof. "That would be akin to eviction."

"WE EVICT THEM WITH A FLAMETHROWER!"

Luna frowned. "I thought flamethrowers were outlawed."

"I kept one for myself," I grinned. I grabbed her by the face, hammering my skull into hers as I screamed, "THEY. ARE. NOT. PONIES! They are an infestation! We must remove them! What would the royals think if we had spiders crawling all over the place?"

"They would think that spiders are friendly, and nice, and would like to give everypony friendly spider hugs..."

"You are like the creepy emo filly who sits in the back of the class writing poetry that nopony likes!" I shouted.

She gasped, clutching at her heart. "This is getting a bit too personal. I shall not remove Atticus and his family."

"Your little spider is no longer a virgin. He can take care of himself and his two-thousand spider babies."

"We must care for them."

"Do I look like a socialist, Luna? Do I look like I'm giving out handouts?"

"...What does a socialist even look like?"

"They look like YOU, which might explain why there are no socialists, because nopony wants to look like YOU!"

She sniffed. "Why are you so mean to me? I just...wanted to have a pet."

There was a pang in my heart. She was tugging at the heartstrings. I knew it. She knew it. It was a tactic she used before, after she read The Art of War.

So why was I falling for it?

Don't fall for it, don't fall for it.

I groaned. "Mmmmgh, okay, Luna. What is your suggestion?"

"We try therapy!"

"Pleez, explain, Princess. When did this all begin?"

I lay on a comforter, looking up at a particularly drab ceiling with a fan spinning around and around.

"I don't know doctor."

"Did you have any traumatizing experiences with spiders?"

"I don't remember. It's just...all a blur. One big messy sticky white blur all over my face."

"I would like to try an exercise, if you will, Princess."

"Of course."

"Explain to me what you dreamt last night."

"Last night," I paused, "last night. I remember seeing a...ghost."

"A ghost?" he inquired.

"A spider ghost," I added, my head lolling around. "A...big spider ghost. And it...talked to me."

"This spider spoke to you?"

"Yeaaaah man...it was crazy. And it said something."

The doctor leaned in. "What did it say?"

"It said..."

"Yes?"

"It said, 'You...don't...need...'"

"Yes?"

"Therapy! Ooooooooooh!"

"Alright, sister, we're going to try something new."

I huffed. "Are you even trained as a psychologist?"

"No. No, I am not. But anypony can do this. Just say the first word that comes to mind when I say a word." She cleared her throat, a pair of tacky glasses on her nose and a notepad in front of her face. "Spiders."

"Destroy."

"Arachnids."

"Eliminate."

"Luna."

"Eviscerate."

"Twilight Sparkle."

"Bang."

Luna slammed her notepad down. "Sister, take this seriously!"

"I am!"

"Eight."

"Number."

"Eight legs."

"Devil."

"Pet."

"Philomena."

"Spiders," she repeated.

"Fire."

"Atticus," she said.

"Flip."

"Flip?"

"Table."

"Onto?" she inquired.

"Atticus."

"We shall start with step one," Luna declared. "First, we shall have a picture of a spider for you to look at."

"What is the point of this?"

"Desensitization therapy! Now, I'm going to leave the room, and observe your reactions to this picture," she said, pinning it up for me to see, quickly running out.

"I drew a mustache!" I cackled. "See? His name is Jose!"

Luna facehoofed. "Step two."

"It's a spider in a glass case. I don't get it."

"You're supposed to be afraid of it."

"It can't touch me. I'm not afraid of it at all. Skip to the next step," I growled.

"This is just the spider case being really really close to me. I'm not scared of it."

The spider crawled around lazily.

"It can't touch me!" I danced around in front of the case. "Danananananana, can't touch this! Can't touch this!" I wiggled my flank, accidentally bumping the table.

The glass case shattered onto the floor.

"Oh fu—"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"

"What did you do, Princess?"

"Oh, well, see Twilight, I simply used a spell to change her phobia!"

"Really?"

"NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!"

"Amazing! Could you teach me?"

"Of course."

"MY EYES! MY EYES!"

You Got Your Ass Kicked By a Spider

"He attacked me!"

"Atticus, is this true?" Luna asked, frowning.

The tarantula adamantly waved its legs around, probably telling her his plan to murder me and rule the world. That blasted Atticus had gotten the jump on me! It was a cheap shot!

"How did you manage to do this to yourself?" Luna asked.

"I told you! He jumped me!"

"You lost to a tarantula the size of your hoof."

"I didn't lose!" I snapped.

Luna snickered, wrapping some bandages around my hoof. "How on earth did you manage to get cut up?"

"He bit me!" She wasn't buying it. "Okay, so I jumped out of a window. Or into one. And fell."

"How many stories?" She yanked out an arrow lodged in my knee.

"Too many," I groaned.

"You still got your ass kicked by a spider."

I sat up, aghast. "What did you say?"

"Thou has hath thy ass walloped by an arachnid, dear sister," Luna said, picking up Atticus and placing him on her head. "Come, Atticus."

I tried boring my eyes into the back of Luna's head. Atticus was waving his arms around, hissing. He was laughing at me.

After a very quick recovery session, I was back on my hooves, mulling over what to do. I couldn't kill Atticus myself. Somewhere in the middle of hiring an assassin and using those nuclear launch codes I kept under my mattress, I looked into a dusty corner of the hallway and paled.

More cobwebs.

I trotted as calmly as I could (hauling my flank faster than the speed of light) to Luna's bedroom. As I approached her room, I could feel vibrations in the floor, like pounding bass. I shoved over her doors and was blasted by music.

"EVERYDAY WE ARE SHUFFLING!"

My ears were assaulted by the ensuring blast of music, nearly throwing me off my hooves. Luna danced in the middle of her room, her left hooves and right hooves alternating as she slid around, doing some ridiculous prance.

"OH, HELLO, SISTER!"

"LUNA!"

"LOOK! I HAVE TAUGHT ATTICUS A NEW TRICK!"

And there he was, shuffling right along with Luna to the beat of the song, sliding and skittering next to her. How the heck does a tarantula even shuffle?!

"LUNA!" I screamed as I dragged myself against the wind, coming closer and closer to her speakers.

"WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!"

"LUNA!"

"OH, HERE'S THE CHORUS! PONY ROCKERS IN THE HOOOOOUSE TONIGHT!"

I yanked the cord from the bass, ending the Pony Rock Anthem and their unbearable shuffling. "Atticus has been making more webs."

"He has not! I specifically told him not to, and he's a very, very good pet!" She nuzzled the tarantula. "Aren't you, Atticus?" She glared at me. "You're just jealous!"

"Me?! Jealous? What?"

"You're jealous that your pet is not as cute."

"That thing is about as cute as your mother!"

"How dare you! We have the same mother!"

"Then I guess you got beat with the end of the ugly stick when you were a foal!"

"Says the fat flank with the hot pink mane!"

I narrowed my eyes, gasping. "Oh no, you didn't!"

"Yes, I did. What are you going to do, girlfriend?"

I reached over and grabbed Luna by her starry mane, dragging her along.

"Ow, ow. Ow!"

"See?" I huffed.

"Atticus?" Luna asked quietly.

The tarantula on her head gave a shrug.

"He says it was not him."

"How the hay can you talk to him?"

"Atticus, tell me the truth," Luna said, looking up at the tarantula perched on her head.

Atticus seemed to twiddle his legs sheepishly, his fangs moving back and forth. He suddenly leapt off. I screamed, scrambling up against the wall, watching him skitter down the hall. Luna trailed behind him, and I trailed behind her.

"Where is he going?" I whispered.

"Shh."

The tarantula pointed at a familiar door.

"That's the broom closet, Luna."

She scowled, rolling her eyes. "I can read, sister."

"There's no sign."

Luna gripped the doorknob with her magic. I gulped, shrinking down. What was behind that door? What if Atticus' mommy had gotten mad, and had come back to take him home? What if she was the size of the entire closet? The size of the castle?

It swung open. I peeked out from behind Luna's wing.

Nothing.

"Atticus, what is it?"

The tarantula crawled in, and there was a click. He had turned on the light, pinching the chain with his legs.

"Oh, 'Tia, look! That's who was making these webs!" Luna squealed. "Atticus has a girlfriend!" She jumped in, nudging the demon. "You player, you."

"G-G-G—"

Luna let out an even louder squeal, jumping up and down. "There's spider eggs in here! Oh, they've made babies! Baby tarantulas, 'Tia! Isn't it amazing?"