The ringing of the alarm clock woke Rainbow Dash up as it did most mornings. On the days, it didn’t manage to rouse her in time the panic alone was enough to get her out of the house. The property damage thus far had been relatively minor.
With a snort and a yawn the blue pegasus stretched, extending her forehooves and wings to the roof. Rainbow Dash’s bleary eyes caught sight of the long crack and indentation in the ceiling, a reminder of the last time she had overslept. She’d have to get her roommate to fix it never having cared for sealing wax; its smell when heated made her dizzier than the collision with the ceiling.
With a few flaps of her wings, Rainbow Dash slowly lifted herself out of bed and down the hall. Any thoughts of repairs, chores or even work could wait. At that moment there was only one thing on her mind and it was the dark beverage that made waking up worthwhile, coffee.
When she was younger and busy saving the world Rainbow Dash had possessed plenty of energy. Back then, she would greet the day with a sonic rainboom that would echo through the clouds. Sometimes the boom was so loud it would set the alarm systems of Cloudsdale, typically geese, off in a cacophony of angry honks. These days however she lived in Ponyville a much more grounded town. Even then, at her fastest, the most she could typically manage was to fly up to the sound barrier, give it a crisp high hoof and be on her way again. For Rainbow Dash to even able to accomplish that feat required the energy that a regular cup of coffee provided along perhaps a few little chocolate donuts for good measure.
Rainbow Dash entered the kitchen, quickly grabbed her “World’s Best Flyer” mug from its place in the cupboard, and instinctively flapped over to the percolator, her goal in sight. Yet, as she approached the device, certain realities began to dawn on her. The bitterly inviting scent of freshly brewed beans was absent. Heck the percolator wasn’t even on. She inhaled deeply in the foolish hope that maybe her nose had yet to awaken but any scent other than the faint odor of the previous night’s expiring quesadilla remains from the was absent.
In an almost involuntary fashion, her head snapped toward the icebox on it was a note. Rainbow Dash gulped as her lower lip trembled in fear at first then disappointment as she read what it said:
Out of coffee. Will pick some up after work.
-Applejack
Rainbow Dash slumped against the counter, her mug as empty as her heart as she looked at those nine little words. “Applejack,” she whispered as she let the mug slip from her hoof to the floor, “How could you?”
She wanted to curl up into a ball and die, a ridiculous notion but one that came with the lack of caffeine. Deep within she knew it was just a mistake. After all Applejack would never intentionally let the coffee supply run out. She woke up entirely too early to let that happen. She probably just had to drink the last of it because her family needed her help at their farm, Sweet Apple Acres. It was time for the Spring Harvest and she had been assisting her family the previous week before she headed off to teach at the school. Rainbow Dash nodded her head as her multi-colored main flopped about, “That’s gotta be it,” she said to herself.
With some resignation, Rainbow Dash began to weigh her options. She could always go to one of those new cafes she’d heard about. Then again, they were often overpriced, occasionally burned the beans and for the life of her she couldn’t figure out what each size was.
Rainbow Dash recalled the last time she’d been to one with Rarity. All Dash wanted was a large cup of black coffee. She had been very specific about it and the server kept responding with the strange utterance of, “Tall, venti, grande or trenti,” along some other words that she’d never heard in her life. After going round and round with the staff and shooing off Rarity, a chair somehow made its way into her hooves and promptly disappeared through a window. Therefore, that was out.
Rainbow Dash looked at the clock on the wall and quickly ruled out going to one of the Pony Joe’s Donut locations. At this time of day, they would be swamped with customers and she’d be late to work. Not only that, but by now all of the good donuts would be gone. Her only option would be crullers, a cruel fate for sure. That left her with her final option, the school.
At Twilight’s School of Friendship, they had a coffee maker. It wasn’t fancy but it got the job done. The real question was who bought the beans (some ponies had some odd preferences) and would there be any donuts or other pastries left by the time she got there? There was only one way to find out. With a sigh, Rainbow Dash rose from the floor, straightened herself up and nodded, “To the school.”
It was still a couple of hours before the first students would arrive when Rainbow Dash lethargically made her way to the break room. Much to her surprise a few of her friends were already there. At a far table Pinkie Pie had her face buried in what she presumed was one of her student’s pies from her home economics class. A straw poking out of the side of her mouth and a faint snore emanating from within the pie’s guts indicated that she’d fallen asleep before she could give it a grade. Next to the pie sat a half cup of, now cool, coffee.
At an adjacent table to Rainbow Dash’s right sat Fluttershy with Rarity both of who looked like they hadn’t slept well at all the previous night. In front of them were there cups. Rainbow Dash nodded to them and poured the remains of the pot into a cup. She then got some water from the sink and refilled the coffee maker. Once it began to do what its name said it did, she took a seat with Rarity and Fluttershy. “Early morning?”
“You’re the one who's here early,” Fluttershy yawned.
“No coffee at the house. Applejack said she’d pick up some but I might just do it. Can’t be too careful.”
The yellow pegasus nodded, “We’re trying to finish grading these tests.”
“Honestly, it’s ridiculous how many students I have to teach and test. There are only six of us here and far too many students and classes,” declared Rarity who then sipped her coffee. Fluttershy reluctantly nodded in agreement.
Rainbow Dash gulped some of her lukewarm but better than nothing coffee. “I thought you only drank tea.”
“Darling, if I have to be up this early and deal with this mountain of paperwork … well … tea is similar to a set of unsharpened safety scissors against a thick woolen sweater. It just won’t cut it.”
They talked, drank and made more coffee after the newest batch had been consumed. Eventually Starlight Glimmer joined them in the conversation and test grading. Yet for all of the chatting and coffee Rainbow Dash did not feel the slightest bit more energetic. In fact, the contrary was true and from what she could see, it was true for the others as well.
“Maybe we should do some exercises,” offered Starlight as she slumped in her chair.
“I can’t even lift my wings,” answered Rainbow Dash.
“If a stallion came in why I don’t even know if I could flirt,” murmured Rarity.
The trio gasped at the revelation and even Pinkie Pie’s snoring froze for just a moment as she lifted her head out of the sticky mess, a look of exhausted shock plastered on her face. Soon after her eyes closed as she leaned back in her chair and began to snore anew.
Fluttershy stood up from the table, as a slightly peeved expression set in, “Maybe if we try rubbing some ice on our faces. Maybe that could help.” Yet after only three steps toward the icebox, she curled up on the floor and joined Pinkie Pie in her snoring.
Rainbow Dash directed Starlight to rouse Pinkie Pie while she and Rarity tried to wake up Fluttershy. After several minutes of shaking both ponies were awake but with all of the energy of a slug in December. “What’s wrong with me,” asked Fluttershy as she gazed wearily into Rainbow Dash’s eyes.
Pinkie Pie slowly rose from her seat, cherry goo stuck to her face. She moved as if she was a zombie, the mug carelessly in hoof spilling its old contents on the floor. A low moan escaped the pink pony’s lips as she approached the coffee maker, “Coffee … I need … more … coffee.” as if in a zombie like trance Pinkie Pie began to approach the coffee maker.
“But it hasn’t worked at all,” said Starlight as she leaned on Rainbow Dash, “We’re all still tired.”
“Need more…”
Silence. The moment that Pinkie Pie had reached the coffee maker and the trash can next to it her trance like demand for coffee had ceased. From where Rainbow Dash stood, she couldn’t tell what had caused her to stop but something had caught her pink friend’s attention. Then, almost timidly, Pinkie Pie reached into the trash. The sounds of napkins and used cups rustled around in the receptacle’s depths.
From deep within Pinkie Pie, the low rumble of something wicked emanated. As she turned to face the group, her face was drawn back in a look of complete and universal terror as she gazed at what she held. From her out stretched hoof she held the can and from her throat came a scream like a freight train whose brakes were attempting to stop the massive locomotive from careening off of the top of Twilight’s castle and utterly failing to do so.
At first, the others could not see what it was that made Pinkie scream as she did. They simply recoiled to the far end of the room. However, after a minute of cowering, Rainbow Dash being possibly the bravest of the group slowly approached the shrieking pink pony and confiscated the can. She read its label and understood. She then showed the others. They had not been drinking some overly bitter tea, nor had they been drinking real coffee. They had been drinking decaf and to make matters worse it was instant decaf. Once the realization set in, it was their turn to scream.
“Good mor- my Celestia what’s going on,” asked Twilight as she rounded the corner.
“Decaf,” blurted Rainbow Dash as she held out the can, “We- we’ve been drinking decaf!”
Twilight Sparkle blinked as she stood in front of her faculty and friends. She was much taller than they were these days what with ruling all of Equestria. While she’d technically handed over control of the school to Starlight she did enjoy the smell of chalk and opening young minds to the possibilities that friendship and harmony could bestow upon others of their vast world.
However, in the past month or so Rainbow Dash had noticed something had changed with Twilight. She was more distant. A little colder. It was as if it was still her but not.
“Well of course you have. I switched it,” said Twilight in a matter-of-fact kind business kind of way that sent a shudder through the group.
Rainbow Dash’s mouth hung open and her eyes wide with betrayal. She attempted to speak but the only sound that came out was a wheeze. From her outstretched hooves the can fell to the floor with a loud clang.
“But Twilight … this isn’t funny you know we … really need our coffee. We need our REAL coffee,” said Starlight in an attempt to be diplomatic.
Twilight’s eyes narrowed and as they did her, once flowing mane and tail plopped over her shoulders and on to the ground. Her horn glowed as she lifted the coffee pot and poured herself a cup of decaf. Without a word, she lifted the cup to her lips and slowly began to drink the piping hot liquid as if it were a cool glass of lemonade. “Delicious,” she said as her eyes took on a slightly unhinged glaze that made Rainbow Dash take a half step back.
“I have been drinking it for a month and it makes sense to do so from a health perspective. However, that is not the only reason,” Twilight’s wicked gaze soon fixed on Starlight, “If you must know things at this school have not been up to task since I Ieft you in charge. The students’ grades are not among the top .0001 percent of scores in Equestria. Secondly, there is the matter of the students’ tests not being graded in a timely fashion. Thirty minutes should be adequate time to grade only a couple hundred tests in a day. Thirdly, I’ve heard that there’s been some gossip that…”
“Bitch have you lost your freaking mind!”
Quickly every pony in the room turned and looked at Fluttershy who went from fierce to embarrassed in a matter of seconds. For what felt like hours she stammered and tried to find her voice again yet it would not come.
Twilight’s predatory gaze fell on the yellow pegasus, “Oh my mind is sound and clear. In fact, it is so clear that I am going to relieve you of your duties. You no longer work here!”
Fluttershy’s eyes welled up and she ran for the door. If it weren’t for the fact that Pinkie Pie had intercepted her with a tight embrace she might have made it. Instead, she melted into the cherry goo faced pink pony’s grasp.
“Darling that was a little harsh,” offered Rarity, “Perhaps we need to take a breather? I know that when Princess Celestia had a disagreement she would …”
“Rarity,” snapped Twilight, “I like you. You’re a good friend, fashionista and business mare.”
“Just good?”
“But you can be replaced.”
Rarity blinked, “Well, if that’s how you feel you can accept my resignation as well. I’ll have just enough time to attend that fashion show in Manehattan this weekend, and by the way I expect to be compensated appropriately.”
Starlight looked at the others and shrugged, “I’ll just go back to conquering villages. It should be easier now that there isn’t any real competition for power anymore.”
“Fine! Go! See if I care! You are all fired! I will handle it all and all shall witness my superior teaching methods!” shouted Twilight as the air around her began to pulse with malevolence. The room began to shake and Twilight’s horn glowed with a dark green tint.
Rainbow Dash backed toward the table with the pie on it as the other ponies braced for whatever was to come. She looked at it knew what she had to do. In a single motion, she scooped the pie up off the table and winged it at the enraged alicorn. As she expected it struck true, a head shot. Twilight collapsed to the floor covered in pie filling. Calm was restored.
The room was silent and nobody moved for what felt like a long time. Then Twilight groaned as the pie tin fell off her face, “W-what happened? Did I sleep walk … here? Why am I dripping with goo?”
“Jeez Twi,” said Pinkie, “Can’t you remember anything?”
“Just an awful dream where I felt betrayed and fired … all of … you,” Twilight’s eyes began to water, “Wait did that happen!?”
Rainbow Dash scooped up the discarded can and gently placed it in front of Twilight. “This. You were seduced by the ‘health benefits’ of decaf and not just decaf,” she tapped the can, “Look at the name!”
“F-fogler’s Chrysalis?”
“You fell under the black sleep of fake coffee. Only villains drink that stuff.”
Worry washed over Twilight, her head hung low, “I-I’m so … I’m so sorry I…”
“We forgive you Twilight,” said Fluttershy who had managed to break free from Pinkie and hugged her. The others soon joined in and in response; Twilight wrapped her wings around them.
“Of course none of you are fired. Maybe I can make it up to all of you somehow,” said Twilight thoughtfully, “How about quintuple shots of espresso to get the day back on the right hoof!”
“And some doughnuts and cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner!” said Pinkie Pie as she bounced up and down.
“Now you’re talking!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“Great! Hey Starlight can you get those drinks and all for us?”
“…Fine.”
For Rainbow Dash the rest of the day flew by. Applejack called out because of the Spring Harvest so Twilight had to cover her classes. On the way home Rainbow Dash stopped by the corner store and purchased two large tins of coffee before she headed home. When she arrived, she saw that Applejack had arrived with her bag filled with coffee.
“Hey Rainbow! Sorry about having to call out from the school. There was a lot of buckin’ that needed to be done. But hey I got the coffee!”
“What did you get,” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Well I was going to get the usual blend but they were having a sale on something called Fogler’s…”
Without a word, Rainbow Dash grabbed Applejack’s bag of coffee and dumped it into the trashcan by the side of the house. “What in tarnation…,” began Applejack.
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof, “Trust me Applejack. It’s for the best.”
