Chapter 1: Celestia, we have a problem
It would be an understatement to call Princess Celestia’s position as Equestria’s princess “hard.” During her 1,000-year and counting reign, she had to make difficult decisions time and again. Banishing her own sister to the moon for Equestria’s sake topped the list of hard choices, even if said sister later reformed and returned to her side as co-ruler. Good for them.
However, sitting in her dining room, Celestia found herself in limbo over the second hardest choice she could face.
“Uh…I…no, I should pick…uh…”
How could a choice most ponies wouldn’t struggle with be such a tussle for an experienced princess? Screw it; she’d just choose and be done with it, no “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts.”
“Okay, I have decided. I will eat blueberry cake this time.” She pulled a plate containing a single slice of blueberry cake toward her with her magic. Her eyes drifted to the unchosen strawberry cake on its own plate–there she goes again. “Then again, I picked it last time. Uh…”
”Just eat them both before you hurt yourself trying to choose,” a female voice teasingly said.
Celestia turned her head toward the voice. Princess Luna, the owner of the voice, strode into the dining room, chuckling under her breath.
“Believe me, I want to, but I really need to limit my cake intake.” Celestia stared down at her hips. Their, uh, condition coaxed a shameful groan from the cake-lover’s mouth. “I hate to admit it, but my hips have grown a little…wider.”
“Be that as it may about your big hips, I do not think you possess the willpower to eat less cake.”
A scowl burrowed over Celestia’s eyes. She could accept her hips being called big – they were big after all – but not her willpower being questioned! “You know what? I will go on a cake-free diet for a year, just to show you how much willpower I have!”
“Ha! But as much as I would love to say it would end with you consuming more cake than ever, there is a far more important matter we need to discuss.” The younger alicorn stepped closer to Celestia. Her playful smile darkened to a dire, no-nonsense frown. “Celestia, we have a problem.”
“We do?” Celestia’s scowl weaned. “What is it?”
“Have you noticed that our guards are…how can I put it lightly…terrible at protecting Canterlot?”
Ouch. Celestia blinked twice in amazement. “If that is you putting it ‘lightly’, I’m terrified to imagine how you would put it harshly.”
“Well, sugarcoating matters has never been my forte.” Luna floated a pineapple with her magic from a collection of fruit on the dining room’s table. She bit into it, despite the fruit’s thick hard skin.
“Um, you do know that ponies don’t eat pineapples that way, right?”
“Yes, but I prefer it this way.” Luna sat the pineapple back on the table. “But back to those guards. How are they so poor at their duties, that six untrained mares could battle a swarm of Changelings more effectively? Twilight outclassing them is understandable thanks to her amazing magical prowess, but even Rarity can hold her own better, from what I heard!” Luna threw her arms up in exasperation. “Rarity, Celestia, and in hoof-to-hoof combat no less! At least we had the excuse of being blindsided when the Changelings attacked and captured us in a swarm!”
The white alicorn’s mouth opened, but only a sigh eked free. She had nada, nothing, zilch for a defense, and she knew it. “Fine, but I’m not sure what’s wrong with our guards. I supervised their training myself.”
“You did not make things too easy for them, did you?”
“Um…” Celestia’s eyes rolled upward, her brain scrambling to round up the memories of her guards’ training and drills. “I suppose I might have, just a tad. I even permitted them to only train for about half of the time they should have on some days.”
“Did you at least push them to their limits when they were in training? Was their resolves tested?”
Cricket chirps somehow managed to echo throughout the room. After the impromptu alicorn-trolling serenade ended, Celestia bit her lip and looked away.
On the bright side, nopony can say Princess Celestia isn’t a kind-hearted pony.
The not-quite-as-kind-hearted pony facehoofed. “I always thought you were too gentle.”
“I know, but I can’t help it!” Celestia protested as her ears woefully wilted sideways. She slammed her head face-first onto the table, after she pushed her cakes out of face-plant range, and added, “Most of the time I can handle tough decisions, but I just couldn’t bring myself to push our guards to their breaking points. I view them as my own foals.”
“And you acting too much like a mother ended with them always getting their, as ponies today put it, ‘flanks kicked’ with barely a fight.” Luna took another hardcore bite of her pineapple, laid it back down, then gazed downward in thought. Seeds of a plan sprouted in her head, coaxing a smile to curl on her lips. “I have an idea. If you cannot do so, then I will play ‘father’ and train them myself, starting tomorrow. What says you?”
Could it work? Celestia lifted her head off her table and answered, “It would be fine by me, but wouldn’t it interfere with your sleeping?”
“If need be, I will cast an energizer spell on myself to allow me to manage with only two or three hours of sleep.” Luna raised her head, her smile deepening in pride. “But hear my words: once our guards’ training under me is complete, they will be buff, mean, fighting machines!”
“Mean?” Celestia cocked her head to the side. “‘Isn’t that a little excessive?”
A blush heated on Luna’s cheeks. “Hehe, that was merely an exaggeration to make it sound more formidable. But they will be buff and fighting machines.”
“But when you train them, don’t go overboard and get them harmed.”
Luna laid her hoof on her chest in mock offense. “Celly, I am hurt. I would never dream of such a thing.”
“I know, I know,“ Celestia said with a chuckle. “It was silly to say that. You are my dear sister, so I trust that you understand what would be crossing the line.”
“I do. I will be tough, but they are nevertheless in good hooves with me.”
Her mission was set. Luna finished off her pineapple and left the dining hall. She combed the castle for a hat, one that screamed “drill sergeant”, and eventually found one for her taste: a green one. She carried it to her bedroom and tried the hat on in front of her mirror. A smirk crept on her face. Her future buff, mean(?), fighting machines would soon understand the value of “no pain, no gain.”
Especially the “pain” part.
Author's Note
I got a feeling Luna's guards are in for a long day!
Chapter 2: Royal training
The next day, in the training grounds outside of Canterlot Castle…
Most of Canterlot Castle’s Royal Guards had gathered in a huge group. Princess Luna stood tall in front of them, bearing a stern scowl and wearing her new green hat on her head. Despite this new training’s importance, the weakest guards had been chosen to not join. They would continue to carry out non-combat-related duties, such as supervising or guiding regular citizens who visited Canterlot Castle or (even if mostly for show) standing watch in front of the castle’s front and back doors. Those lucky guards.
“All right, you lot, listen up and listen good, because I will only say this once!” Luna lifted her head, radiating firmness and authority. She paced back and forth as she continued, “I will not mince words; your performance as Royal Guards when Canterlot faced danger has been more pathetic than Prince Blueblood’s view on common ponies, so I will be in charge of your training to whip you into shape. But before we start, hear this: I will not coddle you in the slightest as my sister might. In my camp, you will be pushed to your absolute limits and beyond. Every muscle in your ever-losing bodies will beg for mercy–and they better not count on getting any. I will be so hard, some of you might start resenting me, and I will bear you no judgment if you do. However, your flanks will want to send me flowers later, because once you complete my training, you will no longer be punching bags for villains. You will be buff, mean, fighting machines capable of standing against anything that dares attack Canterlot! You will even be what all current and future guards will aspire to be!”
Luna stopped pacing and faced her soon-to-be buff, mean, fighting machines. “Do you understand?!”
The guards answered in unison, “Yes, Princess Lu-”
A scowl burned over Luna’s eyes. “No! You will address me as ‘Sergeant Luna’ when I am training you! Is that clear?!”
“Yes, Sergeant Luna!”
“Speak up, you lot! I can’t hear you!”
“YES, SERGEANT LUNA!”
“Better!” Princ–uh, Sergeant Luna eased her scowl. “First, I trust you have already warmed up a little beforehoof, but the true warm-up for your training will be to perform two hundred push-ups in a row.”
“Two hundred?!” a guard asked in alarm. “For a warm-up?! Princess Celestia never made us do more than two hundred in a whole day!”
“Is that so?” Sergeant Luna tapped her cheek. “If Celestia made you do no more than two hundred, then you are going to perform two hundred and fifty in a row as a warm-up under my training.”
“Two hundred and fifty?!” all the poor guards shouted.
“Do I hear ‘I want even more’ for three hundred?”
“NO!” they answered with many shaking their heads as another “NO!”
“Then get down and get started!”
The guards dropped to the ground. They pushed their bodies up, then down, and up, and down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
“Not fast enough! Push those feeble muscles like you mean it! One two, one two, one two!”
Speed from the guards’ push-ups wisely bumped up. As the push-up number rose to over fifty, then one hundred, and then one hundred and fifty sweat rained down their foreheads. Their grunts and strains of effort grew louder and more frequent.
“That’s it! Pour that sweat! Feel the burn of progress!”
A guard, a blue pegasus with a black mane, wheezed as his movements slowed. His eyes grew glassy. He forced one more, slow push-up, then collapsed on his stomach and panted, his sweat still raining.
Luna stomped to the downed pegasus, Glaring and towering over him, she yelled, “Colt! I thought I ordered you to do two hundred and fifty pushups! I only counted two hundred and eleven!”
“Can’t that…be close enough…Sergeant Luna? I’m tired!”
She leaned down to the guard, glaring down at him. “Well, are you tired of being no more than target practice for threats? Are you tired of disgracing who should be some of Equestria’s finest fighters?”
“No, but–”
“‘But’ nothing!” The Sergeant stomped her hooves, shaking the ground. Other guards had also collapsed near her rant’s start, but Luna already had an idea of how to get them to resume their warm-up. “Your performance has been so poor, even the weaker members of a group of six young untrained mares can outclass you in combat! That is unacceptable!”
The scolded guard’s ears wilted. A sinking pit of shame building in his chest about being utterly beaten by girls – battle performance-wise – drowned any complaints he could throw out.
“Where is your pride as a Royal Guard–no, where is your pride as a stallion?! Are you really going to stay inferior to a few mares,” in her royal Canterlot voice, Luna bellowed, “JUST BECAUSE THOU ARE A WEE BIT TIRED?!”
He gritted his teeth. “No!”
“Then prove it by finishing your warm-up!”
He sprung off his stomach and resumed his push-ups with extra vigor. His fellow guards, either due to their pride of being a Royal Guard, – or a Royal Guard and stallion for the male guards – being indirectly called out, also sped up.
Luna smirked, nodding her head in approval. “Yes, that is the heart I was looking for. You just might become our top guard.” She surveyed her other guards and how they seemed fired up in their task, and thought to herself, ‘My speech worked on them as well. Good.’
One guard reached two hundred and fifty push-ups and fell on his stomach while panting. More and more reached the magic number of two hundred and fifty and followed the first guard’s lead by collapsing and panting.
“That was a so-so warm-up. I will allow you lot to take a fifteen-minute rest, then you are going for a nice little march to Equus Park, where you will perform some drills.”
All of the guards’ eyes widened, gasps flying out of their mouths.
“What?! Equus Park?!” the possible future top guard asked. “It would take about a half-hour to get there by train, and we have to walk there on hoof?!”
Luna’s stern frown softened to a friendly and…serene smile? “Do ponies have hooves?”
“Uh, yes?” he answered meekly.
“Louder, colt!” Luna shot back as her smile flipped to a stern frown. “Not even an owl could hear you!”
“YES, SERGEANT LUNA!”
“And that is your answer! I said it before; your muscles will scream for mercy during my training. Take a good rest, but in fifteen minutes, you march!”
One long-**s march later...
With Sergeant Luna flying overhead, her guards stumbled forward along a dirt road, dirt kicking up with some of their wobbling steps.
“Ugh, can we…take a break, Sergeant Luna?” a guard asked between light pants. “I can barely stay on...my hooves.”
“Am I a Yak?” Luna asked.
“No?”
“Speak up, Colt! The sound of ants walking is louder than that!”
“NO!”
“And that is your answer! Besides, we are nearly there, so tap into your pride and dig deep!”
After around twenty minutes, the group reached Equus Park: a lust field coated with grass, yet devoid of trees, and dotted with a series of pony-shaped punching bags. A towering pile of red and white circular targets seemed to be waiting to be called for duty.
“Now you may take a fifteen-minute break,” Luna said as she landed.
Every guard crumbled to the ground. They sure didn’t have to be asked twice to rest!
“Once your break is over, you will move to your first drill: punching the bags before you two hundred times as hard as you can. Strength may not be everything in battle, but it is still a valuable asset.”
“Heh heh, this we can definitely handle,” the blue pegasus guard who received Luna’s “pep talk” earlier said. “Princess Celestia had us punch similar bags 150 times in her training regimen.”
“Reaaaally?” Luna’s lips curled into a smirk. “I underestimated you. If two hundred times would be so easy, then you will have to punch them four hundred times.”
“Wait–I didn’t mean it that w–”
“Do I hear ‘let me punch even more’ for five hundred?” Luna asked, her smirk hardening to a non-negotiating frown.
The nearest pony, a yellow pegasus, slapped a wing over the questioning guard’s mouth. “NO, SERGEANT LUNA!”
“Then in fifteen minutes, you will punch four hundred times!”
With nopony else daring to give another objection, the other guards all glared at their big-mouth partner that raised their workload, whose ears drooped as he shrank away.
There is at least one of those types in every group.
Fifteen minutes later…
“Break time is over, you lot. Choose a bag and prepare to punch on my order.”
Rested, the guards each spread out and walked to their own punching bag.
“Remember, do not punch them with weak blows! Punch them as if they are an enemy or a pony that took the last slice of pizza without permission! If I catch even one of you slacking, you all will have to do 50 extra punches.”
A lump ran down the guards’ throats. They threw punch after punch at their respective pony-shaped punching bag, forcing them to slide slightly forward with each strike.
“Harder! A little filly could punch harder than that! Then, when you are done and take a ten-minute break, you will do a combat drill I specifically designed for you. It would not be suitable at the training grounds in Canterlot, so that is why I brought you out here.”
The guards groaned in their heads and upped their strike force. No way they would groan out loud and risk their Sergeant taking it as “let me punch even more for five hundred.” As they wailed on, sweat poured from the ponies’ heads again. Muscles in their punching hooves slowly yearned more and more to wave white flags–though Sergeant Luna would have rejected their surrender.
Finally, the guards reached punch #400, then slumped to the ground for sweet, sweet rest.
They would need their rest for what was in store for them next.
Ten minutes later…
“Okay, you lot, break up into groups of earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns. How you will take on your next drill will be specialized based on what type of pony you are.”
The future buff, mean, fighting machines hurried to split up into groups of their respective pony tribes.
“Do you see those targets over there?” Luna said as she pointed to her tower of targets still waiting. “I will cast a movement spell on them, then you each will try to hit one as they fly around. If you are an earth pony, your targets will be ones that stay near the ground. If you are a pegasus, your targets will be ones that will fly higher in the air. If you are a unicorn, you may either aim to punch or kick a target near the ground or shoot for a mid-air target with your magic.”
Luna lowered her pointing hoof back to the ground. “However, if you decide to aim for mid-air targets, you may only fire a shot once every five seconds, so do not get any ideas about spamming attacks blindly. If you accidentally hit any of your comrades with your magic, you will have to do 50 push-ups immediately. If you or another unicorn play traitor again, you all will receive a special punishment later. Thus, I would advise selecting the option of attacking aerial targets with caution.”
The big-mouth pegasus guard that still hadn’t learned his lesson asked, “Do we really just have to aim for one–”
“SHUT UP!!” the other guards yelled.
He slapped his hooves over his mouth. No further questions were asked.
“Now that is what I call lung power! But to answer your question, yes, only one target. However, they will be moving a little quickly, so your ground, flying, and aiming skills will be tested. Am I clear?”
“Yes, Sergeant Luna!” they all answered.
“Where is that lung power you showed a few moments ago?! Answer as if you mean it!”
“YES, SERGEANT LUNA!!”
“That is more like it!” Luna’s horn glowed blue. A magical smoke leaked from her horn and seeped into the targets still waiting. Some targets shot up into the air and whizzed about in streaks and loops all over the vast field; others floated just barely above ground level, but zigzagged every which way. Regardless of how they moved or where they were, no single target’s pattern stayed the same for too long. If that wasn’t enough, they all kept a sizable distance from each other, so none could be targeted (pun intended) as a group.
“Now go!”
Pegasi flew in the air. Earth ponies and roughly half of the unicorns sprinted toward grounded targets, trying to cut some off before their movement pattern could change. The other unicorns’ eyes locked onto the closest whizzing and looping air targets, while also waiting for a safe moment to start firing magic. All three pony tribes were poised to make their first target kill…but a sharp gust of wind abruptly started blowing! It looped around in a vast circle and engulfed Equus Field as a weak, small-scale pseudo-hurricane. The pegasi lost their balance from surprise and spun end over end, screaming, and crashed onto the ground with a thud and grunt. With wobbles of their hooves, the unannounced wind also pushed earth ponies and unicorns over and onto the ground as well.
“Oh yes, you will also have to contend with some wind,” Luna slyly said, now in the air flapping her wings. The targets’ movements, thanks to Luna’s spell, remained unchanged. “I hope you lot do not mind me ‘stretching’ my wings a little.”
Not that those guards were dumb enough to say they did mind. They did a far smarter option by rising to their hooves. As before, the pegasi flew up into mid-air while earth ponies and some unicorns ran head-on into the wind toward any nearby incoming target, all gritting their teeth and squinting their eyes as they fought the wind resistance. Other unicorns faced the wind and squinted their eyes, but held their positions and fired magic beams at any nearby targets in mid-air. All the pegasi, earth ponies, and directly target-chasing unicorns itched nearer to reaching an elusive target. Blasts from magic-firing unicorns, while hitting nothing but air, came closer and closer to nailing a target, until they were a mere hair’s width away from making contact.
But the wind pushing into the guards hounded just a tad harder. The shock of the shift in wind pressure snapped all the guards’ focus, sending pegasi spinning end over end backward while screaming a second time. They eventually started hitting the ground, one by one.
Meanwhile, the grounded guards lost their own focus and balance and tilted over to the ground. As they were tilting over, two unicorns fired a last-ditch desperate blast that each grazed a still-falling pegasus, who yelped in pain.
“S-sorry about that!” the two unicorns said simultaneously.
After the apology was said, all the guards continued to lay, their manes flapping in the wind, doing what had become a new hobby of sorts: panting. On the bright side, the cool wind still blowing over them was refreshing.
But on the dim side, Luna growled while shaking her head, still flapping her wings. “Seriously?! You lot are falling down more than Celestia did the last time she drank cider!”
The guards all smiled sheepishly. Wasn’t much else they could do in this bind they found themselves in.
“Since you like smiling and that ground so much, I will call you all ‘smiling worms’ from now on! Mr and Miss Hit-their-friends over there will do 50 push-ups, but as for everypony else, get up and try again!”
Mr & Miss Hit-their-friends dropped to do 50 push-ups, despite the wind, as pegasi leaped into the air and spread out. Wings pumping, they each neared a cutoff point of a speeding and looping target, and smashed their targets with a well-placed punch.
All the while, earth ponies and some unicorns powered their way to cut off grounded targets and finally reached and punched one as it flew by. The second group of unicorns’ planted their hooves and focused as hard as they could – soon joined by their two friend-hitting unicorns that had finished their push-ups – and nailed aerial targets with a well-aimed beam.
Right after each pegasus hit a target, they flew back to the ground, each wearing a proud smile. It tempted other ponies to join the smile party themselves.
With her guards' first phase of her combat drill done, Luna slowed her wing flaps and her mini-hurricane vanished.
“Good work. Now that you can hit one target, you will try again against even stronger winds – my wings need to be ‘stretched’ more – and you must hit three targets. Try not to be best friends with the ground too much this time.”
An internal round of moaning ensued. Most guards severely questioned their choice to become Royal Guards.
As Luna re-started her pseudo-hurricane, the pegasi took to the air again. The howling gust met them once again, this time almost feeling as if they literally flew into a block made of wind. They managed to make slow, tender progress forward, hoping a target would fly close to them, but the wind tore into their wing and willpower more and more. Once it cracked a critical place of that power, the pegasi spun backward into another air spin, followed by another splat onto the ground. The earth ponies and unicorns took willpower-backed steps forward or magic blasts, hoping a target would draw close to them–which none did, as if they were trying to avoid the trap. After the wind stole their last bit of strength, they fell hard onto their sides.
‘They are handling this better than I hoped. They just need more practice and time.’ Luna thought, but yelled out loud, “Where is that Royal Guard pride?! Go again, and actually try this time!”
Two hours later…
Yet again, the not-so-buff, mean, fighting machines all hit the ground. They were covered with bruises from their many falls.
“Fine. That is enough,” Luna said in acquiescence. She slowed her wing flaps and landed on the ground, allowing her pseudo-hurricane to quell a second time. “You smiling worms will just try this again tomorrow.”
Sighs of relief filled the air.
“So after you take a fifteen-minute break, you will do three hundred push-ups, then after another fifteen-minute break, you will march back to Canterlot.”
“Wait, not only will we have to do more push-ups, but we have to march all the way back to Canterlot?” a guard asked.
“Is Princess Twilight Sparkle the Princess of Friendship?”
“YES, SERGEANT LUNA!!”
“And there you go! How did you think you would return anyway?! And don’t think I forgot about the ‘special punishment’ you all will get thanks to Mr and Miss Hit-their-friends, but you will get it later when the time is right.”
The guards internally whined. After their break, they did their three hundred push-ups and later marched/ran back to Canterlot, “motivated” from behind by their sergeant.
If those guards’ hooves weren’t so sore, they would have kicked their owners for not being in as good a shape as they should have been.
Later, during the late evening...
“Ow...what a day. I’m going to have nightmares about flying targets.”
In his bedroom, one of the Royal Guards, the big-mouth blue pegasus, limped to this bed. He tenderly crawled into his blanket. Its soothing softness had never felt so comforting and eased a peaceful sigh out of his lips. He gazed at a picture of his wife and two colts, all smiling, sitting in his bedroom dresser, as if watching over him.
“I’m glad you didn’t see how pathetic your stallion and dad looked today. Still, I’ll try to become our top guard and make you all proud…and get Sergeant Luna off my flank.”
With that pseudo-wish made, the guard’s eyelids slammed shut. Not even five minutes later, sleep had claimed the stallion for the night.
How did he get back here?
The pegasus looked to the left and right in confusion. Somehow, he was back on Canterlot Castle’s training grounds, but his brain blanked on how or when he got there. But his fellow guards were with him–and going by how they were staring about, they were as baffled as he was.
“I don’t remember coming out. What in Celestia’s name are we doing here?”
“FOR THY SPECIAL PUNISHMENT!!” a female voice bellowed, causing the guards to jump from shock.
A white light flashed in the sky. A familiar dark-blue alicorn emerged from the light and descended to the ground, wearing an also familiar green hat on her head.
“I warned you smiling worms that you would all get a special punishment when the time was right.”
“But don’t you spend nights dealing with ponies’ nightmares?” a unicorn asked. “How can you do that and give our punishment?”
“Should a pony suffer a nightmare before you complete your punishment, I will simply leave to handle it, but I will return the moment the nightmare is dealt with.”
A flash of light blinded the hapless guards. As the light faded, it revealed a colossal light-blue dragon, who vastly dwarfed even Luna, sitting beside his apparent summoner. Two long foreboding horns grew downward from either side of the dragon’s head, and ended in a pointy curl. His face wore just as foreboding a stare as his horns, and his large, spread-out orange wings didn’t exactly suggest “I want to be your friend” either.
The guards yelped and jumped backward. Thanks to ponies as a whole gaining more knowledge about dragons in recent times, they knew who this dragon was: the ex-Dragon Lord Lorch.
“Wait, you can’t expect us to fight a dragon this big, Sergeant Luna!” an earth pony yelled as he took a fearful step back.
“Wait, it’s not so bad,” The (still) big-mouth blue pegasus pointed out. With a confident smirk, he added, “This is a dream, so we can do anything we want! We can even make ourselves alicorns twice this guy’s size!”
Laughter roared from Luna’s mouth. “Who said your punishment is to fight ex-Dragon Lord Lorch?” She pointed to Lorch’s feet.” Your punishment is to rub his feet in groups of four per foot.”.
“WHAT?!” The guards shouted.
“Put away your ’WHAT?’ because you heard correctly! I am well aware that even one of you could defeat Lorch easily here now that you are lucid dreaming. Did you really think I would fail to anticipate that?”
Lorch wriggled his toes. A stench even death would puke from assaulted those guards’ nostrils. Their stomachs twisted and understanding screamed.
“If you smiling worms are done gawking, gather in groups of four. Each group will rub for two minutes each, then switch until you all have rubbed five times. On each foot.”
The guards hung their heads down; no point in protesting. They collected in groups of four, but they all shot glares at the two unicorns – who happened to be in the same group as each other – who were responsible for their collective punishment. Said unicorns both shrank away as their ears shamefully drooped.
“Look at it this way; rubbing a dragon’s pungent feet will build your mental fortitude,” Luna said. “Combat can be as much mental as it is physical.”
To spare your stomachs, let’s skip the actual act of Lorch getting his feet rubbed. All you need to know is that it was horrible.
Two weeks later, in Equus Fields…
“It is time again, you smiling worms. You have made some progress, but you still haven’t been able to hit even one of your three targets. Even so, you are my guards, and I have faith that you will eventually succeed and stop spending quality time with the ground. Is that clear?”
“YES, SERGEANT LUNA!” the guards answered. Despite how they had started to bear some resentment, as Luna herself warned might happen, her bit of encouragement lit a spark of hope and belief in themselves. The alicorn wasn’t being sadistic–just hard for their own good.
At the very least, that is what the guards told themselves.
“Good.” Luna took to the air and flapped her wings, whipping up an all-too-familiar mini-hurricane.
Just like always, the pegasi took to the air and the other ponies either tried to run or stand their ground to fire magic blasts. Yet, the wind’s smack knocked the pegasi into nigh-uncontrollable spinning and a familiar, yet still painful, slam to the ground. The unicorns and earth ponies fought to stay on their hooves, yet still crumbled as their energy burned out. Despite being more used to it, that wind was as insurmountable as ever.
Or was it? A certain blue pegasus guard formed an idea. He took to the air yet again, but this time he turned around and let the wind push and carry him instead of fighting its wrath. He gracefully drifted to his left and right with calm, stable flaps of his wings. It was almost too easy.
‘Weird. All things considered, my agility somehow feels a little better than it used to be.’
With momentum working for him for once, he glided toward a successfully predicted path of a target and, once it had looped into range, punched it as it passed. That thing shattered into cathartic pieces that scattered into the wind.
“Yes! I did it!”
Luna nodded her head, giving a maternal (Or paternal?) smile. The, possibly future strongest, guard repeated the tactic and nailed two more targets.
The other pegasi noticed their peer's tactic; they turned to let the wind work for them by drifting in it and letting it carry them. Target after target met their demise as they zipped or looped into the pegasi’s punching range.
An earth pony and a unicorn saw the success above them and cooked their own idea. They turned around and ran with the wind, and thus ran much faster than they normally could. Thanks to their greater speed, the pair reached and sidestepped into a predicted path of their own targets, punched them once they got close enough, then each nailed two more targets with the same strategy. Other earth ponies and non-magic-firing unicorns saw and copied the method with the same kind of unexpected ease.
As they did, most noticed how their lateral movement felt to be smoother than it should have been.
The magic-firing unicorns also decided to turn against the wind, but instead of running with it, they planted their hooves and aimed for targets blowing past them. Without needing to squint their eyes this time, they blasted target after target with precise magic blasts. Similar to what other ponies thought about their physical movements, these unicorns’ aiming and firing skills felt like it had become sharper than before. Could this be what Luna meant when she claimed the guards had made some progress?
Once the final guard nailed their third target, Luna stopped her wind and returned to the ground. She turned to her guards and said, “Not bad. Using what was an obstacle to your advantage shows your battle instincts are improving. To celebrate, I will give you a special order.”
The guards grinned. Were they going to get a reward?!
“You will get to…do four hundred push-ups.”
“What?!” A female guard asked as her (and the rest of those guards') grins waned. “That’s our reward?!”
“Is Celestia’s favorite food cake?”
“Yes–I mean, YES!”
“And there is your answer!” Luna shot with her now-familiar scowl. “Maybe you will get a proper reward once you are buff, mean, fighting machines!” The Sergeant’s scowl loosened. She more reassuringly added, “Still, you all did a fine job today. You should feel proud of how far you have come.”
Smiles of pride curled onto the praised guards’ lips.
“But know that your training is far from finished, you smiling worms!” Luna warned with sternness back into her eyes. “Tomorrow, you will aim for ten targets. If you are a unicorn, I would advise asking your fellow unicorns that aimed for the group of targets you didn’t choose for advice. Starting tomorrow, if you had gone after air targets, you will have to go after three ground targets and start working your way up to ten, and vice versa.”
The guards, most notably the unicorns, moaned out loud; they couldn’t hide the moans this time. Their mission to be buff, mean, fighting machines was still poised to be a rough one.
However, their four hundred push-ups didn’t take as much energy as they did at the start of Sergeant Luna’s training. They could have even handled five hundred! Not that they would say that out loud.
Two months later…
In the Canterlot training grounds, the guards gathered and were wearing their gold armor, which Luna had previously requested for them to wear. Underneath that armor, the muscles that had been shamelessly crying for mercy since Luna took over had grown and thickened.
“So far, so good,” Luna said. “You are now buff and no longer have much trouble with my drills. It is time for your final test to see if you are also mean and fighting machines.”
“Thank Ce–uh, that is, good to know,” a blue pegasus said. You should know the pegasus in question by now, though he was learning to not be as much as a big-mouth.
“But before you smiling worms get too excited, be warned that everything else you have done before will seem easy by comparison. You may even find yourselves failing for not just days but weeks, perhaps even months, but I know you have the heart and guts to eventually pass.”
The guards gulped and mentally prepared themselves.
“Now, to test your true fighting prowess, you will engage in combat against an opponent of my choosing. Once you are victorious, it will signal that you are truly buff, mean, fighting machines, so your direct training under me will be over. Is that clear?”
“CRYSTAL CLEAR, SERGEANT LUNA!!”
“Good. I will now reveal who your opponent is.” Luna stepped forward. Her head rose in seriousness.
“Where is our opponent? Are they running late?”
“She is already here. Your final test and opponent is me.”
Author's Note
Oh nelly! Talk about a brutal test! It makes even the final exams in school look like a piece of cake.
Those buff guards better be ready to get hit to the ground some more during this test...
On a serious note, I had an unusually rough time editing this chapter, so feel free to point out any errors that I missed. There's a good chance there are a few.
Silence hogged the air of the Royal Guards’ training grounds. Every guard’s pupils constricted. Their mouths widened, and stayed widened as if they forgot how to close.
That is the proper reaction to an alicorn telling you that you must fight and defeat her as a final test, which Sergeant Luna had decreed for her guards to do. To her.
“Shut those mouths, you smiling worms! Your mothers never told you it is not polite to stare?”
“Sorry, but you’re an alicorn, Sergeant Luna!” a guard shrieked–no way could he keep a calm voice here. “We may be stronger than before, but how could we possibly stand against your might?!”
“How to bring me to my knees is for you to figure out.” Luna flapped her wings to hover about a pony leg’s length off the ground. “Now, prepare yourselves, and do not be too slow.”
“But–”
“Combat begins now!”
Luna’s horn glowed blue. A blast of magic fired at the ground, narrowly avoiding a direct hit at the closest guards’ hooves. A shock wave exploded from the blast and flung every guard in all directions. They rained back down to the ground in bunches, grunting on impact, but were thankfully protected by their armor.
“You smiling worms were too slow! If that was Nightmare Moon’s attack, you all would be dead!" Luna scolded as she remained slightly airborne, her horn still glowing. "Now, rise to your hooves so we can try this again, and don’t give real worms a bad name this time!”
The guards forced themselves to stand; some rubbed their heads from the lingering sting of their impact on the ground. Once they all seemed ready, Luna shot another beam of magic near the hooves of its targets.
The guards' teeth gritted. Earth ponies and unicorns jumped to the side while pegasi flew upward; the shockwave from the beam smashing into the ground pushed the slower guards onto their sides or higher in the air in a mild air spin. The others stayed on their hooves or kept their balance in the air. But those slower guards immediately rebounded and hopped back up or regained their aerial balance–just in time to face a furry of magic beams coming directly at them! The earth ponies and unicorns sidestepped the blasts while pegasi weaved between the incoming magic in a tight dance. But while they were successfully dodging Luna’s attacks, another problem showed itself.
The buff guards couldn’t be victorious by dodging alone. To bring down their Sergeant to prove they are not just buff, but mean and fighting machines, they would actually have to go on the attack!
As if hoping a sign on how to slay alicorns would show itself, the guards chose to buy time by maintaining their side-stepping and weaving. As the “training” raged on, the sheer storm of Luna’s beams lessened into a shower.
“I think she’s getting tired and running low on magic! Let’s surround her!” a familiar blue pegasus shouted—the one still dreaming of being the top guard.
At their partner’s command, the earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi continued to dodge beams, but gradually spread out in a swarm. Using the power of numbers as a makeshift distraction, some guards managed to run or fly behind Luna. A few more beams fired from Luna, but they sputtered out after one last, weak, slow blast.
Now surrounding their Sergeant, the guards smelt blood! Earth ponies, some unicorns, and pegasi charged at the weakening alicorn; the other unicorns’ horns glowed, ready to counterattack with their own magic.
A gust of magic roared from Luna’s body in all directions. Surprised gasps from guards evolved into screaming as the gust slammed into them, and sent them flying and crashing onto the ground.
“That strategy was pathetic!” Luna seethed with a scowl. “Did you really expect me to run out of magic that quickly?! Where is that battle instinct you demonstrated in your drills?!”
The smiling worms groaned, but willed themselves to stand again. Figuring out a successful strategy to defeat Luna would be even harder than they thought. And they already thought it would be nigh-impossible at best.
At least they were no strangers to getting owned.
One week later, at Canterlot Castle…
Princess Celestia moped out of her castle’s front doors, with a white unicorn wearing glasses, Raven Inkwell, accompanying her. With a sinking sense of dread poking the Princess of the Day, she and Raven made their way toward a clearing that marked the Royal Guards’ training grounds.
“I wonder how the guards’ training is going?” Celestia asked, more so to herself. “I hope Luna isn’t being too harsh on them.”
“Um…maybe you shouldn’t get your hopes up, Your Highness.”
A flash of blue magic, along with a light shake of the ground, echoed in the distance in the area of the training grounds. After the light faded, ten ponies flew through the air at the light’s location, end over end, screaming.
“If it makes you feel better, your guards are improving,” Raven preemptively said. “I believe that Princess Luna’s attacks were sending all of them flying when they first started her ‘final test’.”
A wave of magic burst into existence. Eight guards streaked through the air.
“I think that was even fewer of them.”
Celestia growled. Her maternal side awakened–on the wrong side of the bed. “Even so, Luna is going too far now. She’s supposed to be training them, not using my foals–I mean, our guards as her stress-relief punching bags!”
Another blast of magic erupted. Another seven guards flew.
“I can’t stand by and watch. I need to stop her before she hurts any of them!”
Raven jumped in front of the motherly alicorn. “But you can’t! I’m sure Princess Luna isn’t using more magic than she believes they can overcome, and the guards’ armor should protect them from actual injury. Try thinking of what she is doing as tough love.”
“But–”
“And she did have a point about them being…ineffective. If you call her off before they are ready, you will risk them always getting their, for lack of a better word, ‘flanks kicked’ by future threats again.” Raven stepped beside and laid a supportive hoof on Celestia’s back. “As difficult as it may be to see your guards/foals treated like this, I believe it is the more favorable option. Not only for them, but for Canterlot and ultimately you.”
“I…I…” Celestia’s ears wilted to the side. “Perhaps there is a third option?”
“Princess Celestia,” Raven said sternly.
“Fine, fine, I will let Luna be and trust her.”
As if fate wanted to either test or torture Celestia’s heart, or both, another wave of magic lit over the training grounds. Along with another five guards spinning through the air.
“But if I find that she injured even a single guard, I am going to kick her flank!”
Back at the shellacking–uh, ongoing final test at the Royal Guards’ training grounds…
“Come on, you smiling worms! You all are still being too predictable! Use your training!”
The guards, coated in bruises despite their armor, though not injured, stood tall. Over the week since their final test had begun, they had tried physically charging, attacking with magic (in the case of the unicorn guards), surrounding, and attempting to tire Sergeant Luna out. They even tried to pull a “What’s that behind you?” trick! Alas, everything they tried ended with at least some of them on the ground and Luna scolding their attempt.
However, an idea flashed in a blue pegasus, the guards’ seemingly de facto leader. He waved his comrades to him into a huddle and whispered something to them.
Luna’s horn glowed blue, yet no magic shot from it. ‘Let’s see what they are planning this time.’
The guards shot out of their huddle. The unicorns launched a dizzying round of magic blasts in Luna’s direction. A wide magic barrier rose directly in front of the Sergeant and shut down the beams, yet the unicorns only poured on the magic.
“You must be getting desperate! This will never–huh?”
Pegasi streaked to and thrust themselves into Luna’s barrier. They bounced off of it, but they Immediately re-thrust their bodies into the all-mighty barrier. Over and over.
Earth ponies summoned their full earth pony physical strength. They charged and joined in the great ramming of Luna’s barrier, albeit to no success in even cracking it, though none of them made an effort to try to go around it. That said, it took Luna’s full effort to hold them off and required her full attention.
“This show of brute force will never work! Not even Princess Twilight could shatter this–”
A guard, not one that was blitzing the barrier, crashed into Luna’s back from behind. She grunted, and as her focus was broken, her barrier abruptly deactivated. The volley of magic beams still being unleashed by unicorns finally slammed into Luna, knocking her backward and rolling onto the ground. The Sergeant was stunned, and more importantly, finally down!
Smelling victory, every guard charged in Luna’s direction. Flashbacks of their training surged into their head. The thousands of push-ups they were ordered to do. The insults they suffered, particularly being called worms of all things. The many, many times they ate the ground due to Luna’s drills, and then due to her personally. A surge of energy packed with the sense of retribution flowed through their veins. Yes, payback was here to collect its dues!
Earth ponies reached the still-stunned Luna first and tossed her into the air, where a series of magic blasts from unicorns and ramming from pegasi met her in a cacophony of blows. She yelped in pain from one heavy but satisfying blow after another tearing into her. From above, the de facto leader of the guards rammed into Luna’s back at max strength, sending her slamming into the ground, actually leaving a small crater. Ouch, that had to hurt.
All the guards readied to continue their vicious barrage with their teeth gritted. Their thirst for vengeance had yet to be fully quenched. However, agony-filled moans, and the fact that Luna was lying in a crater with her eyes squinted closed, pacified the guards. Guilt gripped their hearts.
“No! We overdid it!” the blue pegasus exclaimed. “She’shurt!”
The worried ponies gathered around the downed alicorn and her crater.
“Sergeant Luna, we are so sorry! Are you okay?!”
“Please, speak to us!”
Luna wearily opened her eyes and looked up to her guards. “You...did it. Magnificent strategy and…ow...you were merciless once you gained the advantage. Perfect.” Despite the pain from her ravaged body screaming for a doctor, a warm smile eased on Luna's lips. “I am so proud of you, my buff, mean, fighting machines.”
The buff, mean, fighting machines smiled in turn, both from pride and relief.
“You are?”
She nodded. “Yes, and I’m sorry I was so hard on you doing your training, but you are now done. But, I need to ask for two last things as Sergeant Luna.”
“Of course! What are they?”
“First, get me a doctor. Two, in case I’m injured far worse than I think I am, tell my sister that I said her hips are not big. They are humongous.”
Luna’s eyes closed as her consciousness went on a lunch break. The guards stared at her still form, all thinking about her last sentence spoken.
“Not it!” all guards, except a certain blue pegasus, yelled.
“Darn it! You always do stuff like this to me!”
“Says the pegasus who kept making things harder for us with his big mouth,” an earth pony stallion said. “Better if Mom kills you than us.”
Forgetting he at least went on to later lead them to victory, he hung his head in acquiescence. “Touché.”
It sure wasn’t easy and required a lot of painful impacts on the ground. However, thanks to Luna’s brutal training, Canterlot’s Royal Guards had grown into a force to be reckoned with! Canterlot was in good hooves now…maybe.
Although the news of this success went on to have a couple of unexpected ripple effects. One is a whole other story that involves a pink alicorn. The other…well, let’s just say that this story has one last subpar chapter left.
Author's Note
Those guards finally pulled it off! But it looks like there's a little unexpected consequence of sorts coming. What could it be?
Hint: it has something to do with Twilight Sparkle.
Chapter 4: Luna, we have another problem
One month later, in Canterlot Castle’s dining room…
Princess Celestia slumped in her chair. She frowned in reluctant acceptance at a slice of strawberry and vanilla cake in front of her, each cake waiting on its own plate on her table.
“Luna was right. I don’t know why I even tried.”
She shook her head–she could whine about her limited cake-resisting willpower later. And she could delay any whining about the bump on her horn, which resulted from when she literally hit the ceiling after a certain guard called her hips humongous. “No, I shouldn’t be upset over this right now. I need to figure out what to do ab–”
Princess/ex-Sergeant Luna trotted inside the dining room with skips in her trots, pride still bubbling inside her over successfully turning her guards into buff, mean, fighting machines. Thanks to alicorn healing speeding up her recovery, she was already fully healed from injuries suffered during the no-holds-barred beat-down her guards gave her.
But if alicorns can heal so fast, why did Celestia still have her horn bump? Fate or whatever must have held back Celestia’s alicorn healing abilities to troll her. Considering Celestia’s own tendency to occasionally troll, albeit playfully and to make her feel more relatable to normal ponies, she probably had it coming.
“I’m glad you’re here, Luna,” Celestia said as she turned her head to Luna. “We have another problem.”
“Is it that your cake-free diet attempt just ended with you eating even more than before?” Luna asked with a sly grin.
“No–well, yes, but before you start an ‘I told you so’ prance, I was talking about a differentproblem.”
“A different one?” Luna gasped, followed by a facehoof. “Don’t tell me our guards lost another battle while I was asleep!”
“No, it’s nothing like that.” Celestia blew a long sigh. “Do you know how Twilight can be…passionate?”
“Hehe, calling her a ‘passionate’ pony would be an understatement.” Luna strode to the table and took a bite out of a pineapple, her way again.
“Well, when she heard about how you personally trained our guards and knew that I had trained them too, she rashly concluded that she should follow our leads to be – in her words – a proper princess like us.”
“But she has no guards! Who could she train?”
In Ponyville, outside the front doors of the Castle of Friendship…
This was a sight to see.
Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, and Discord – yes, Trixie and Discord – continued to do one push-up after another. Sweat rolled down their cheeks. Princess Twilight Sparkle, wearing a purple hat, watched their performance with a stern frown.
Is it possible for a princess to be too dedicated to her craft? Seven ponies, a dragon, and draconequus would very likely answer “yes.”
“Come on guys–uh, worms! You can go faster than that!”
Rainbow whined in-between push-ups, “I’m going as fast as I can! Lay off me!”
“Push-ups are kinda fun-fun-fun, but will we be done soon? I have to bake some very important cakes.”
“I understand that this is important to you, darling, but doing something as crude as push-ups simply isn’t suitable for a lady such as I.”
“Um, not that I’m trying to complain, but why do we have to do this again?” Fluttershy meekly asked.
“Yeah, why?" Spike asked, not meekly. "You don’t have the Elements anymore, but is this really necessary?”
“I told you; I need to train guards in order to be a proper princess, but you are the closest I have to guards.”
Applejack growled under her breath. “I swear, of all the harebrained stunts yer–”
“Less complain–uh, whining, more push-ups!” Twilight interrupted. “Think of this as being for your own good too.”
Although irritation boiled within her, Applejack continued her push-ups. At least her annoyance allowed a little surge of energy to flood through her. “One of these days, Twi, one of these days…POW!”
“But why does Trixie have to do this too?!” Trixie stopped to wipe some sweat off her forehead, then resumed her push-ups. “Trixie is a performer, not a fighter!”
“Even so, like Discord, you have experience in facing villains and be in Ponyville often, so you are close enough. Think of it this way: me giving you this training means I trust you. That’s good, right?”
“Trixie thinks she liked it better when you and this whole town didn’t trust her.”
“Oh, please, you below-average performer! If you think you have it bad, imagine how I feel!” Discord stopped ceased pushing up and waved an arm. Said arm pitifully flapped during the waving. "See? These arms aren’t meant for push-ups!”
As Discord resumed his "task", Starlight strained to push herself up as sweat rained down even harder. Her latest push-up done, her forelegs wobbled and she fell to the ground on her stomach, panting.
Twilight ran to stand right in front of the spent unicorn. “Starlight, what in Celestia’s name are you doing?! You still have twenty more push-ups to do! Keep pumping!”
“I’m too pooped to pump. I want my bed.”
“You just have to believe in yourself, like I always tell you!”
“Then I ‘believe’ that I’m too pooped to pump and want my bed.” Starlight wiped sweat off her brow. “If you must train me, can’t it be in magic instead of your idea of hoof camp?”
“You can’t rely on your magic all the time in battles; remember what happened in the Changeling Hive?” Twilight smirked and added, “But I’ll tell you what: my book about drill sergeants said I shouldn’t do anything like this, but if you can finish your push-ups, I will give you…that later.”
“‘That’? What–waaaait.” A huge smile crept on Starlight’s lips. “Do you mean that?”
Twilight nodded.
“Can I have it my way?”
Twilight again nodded.
A spark of energy fired a series of energetic push-ups from Starlight.
“Hehe, see? I knew you could find your second wind.”
“Can I get something too?” Spike asked with his push-up speed slowing.
“You are.” Twilight strode to Spike, her head proudly held high. “When I’m done with you, Spike, you will be one of the toughest, mightiest dragons who have ever lived! Other dragons will tell stories of the feats you will be able to do.”
“Hmm…mightiest dragon,” Spike said with a grin curling on his lips. “I do like the sound of that.”
Twilight leaned her head down closer to Spike. Looking at him eye-to-eye, she whispered, “And you never know; if you become buff, Rarity might stop looking at you as a little brother and as dragonfriend material once you’re a little older.”
The next morning…
Princess Celestia arrived at the Castle of Friendship and knocked on the door.
No response.
She leaned her head to the door. Faint voices echoed from deep inside the castle. The words of the voices couldn’t be identified, but her equine hearing sensed that the words were being spoken in an anguished tone.
“It might be even worse than I feared. I better hurry and save Twilight’s friends!”
Celestia flew open the castle doors with her magic and ran inside. She hurried down the crystal hallways, trying to hone in on the voices to guide her. Finally, she reached one of the library’s doors; the voices seemed to be coming from the other side. While many of the words still couldn’t be made out, two words that definitely emerged sounded to be “please stop.”
As if she needed another reason to do so, Celestia opened the door and ran inside.
“Twilight, apologies for barging in, but...” Celestia trailed off. Her pupils shrank. Her wave of worry folded to…something she couldn’t even tell for sure. “Confusion” was probably the closest to it.
Inside the library, Spike was surrounded by magenta magic while doing push-ups. Twilight, with her horn glowing magenta, emitted strained grunts as she seemed to be trying to pull Spike away with her magic. Yet the dragon appeared unfazed.
“Um, Twilight? Spike? Am I interrupting something?”
Twilight swung her head to Celestia, wearing a frantic frown. “Princess Celestia, I need help! My plan to train Spike backfired because I can’t get him to stop doing push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups for longer than ten minutes! He'll stop to eat, but he won’t go to sleep!”
“What?!”
“Yes! Not only that, he’s so determined, he’s become able to resist Starlight’s and my magic, so I can’t force him to stop!” Twilight turned back to Spike and lay on her stomach, looking at him face-to-face with desperately pleading eyes. “Come on, Spike, please stop and come to bed! Do it for me, Twilight!”
“For the thousandth time, no,” Spike answered in a non-negotiating tone, stubbornly continuing his push-ups. “No pain, no gain.”
“Look, I’ll tell you what: if you give this up, I won’t try to train our friends anymore, just like you wanted from the start! It was an absurd idea anyway! You can even keep training if you really want to, but just do it at a slower pace! Deal?”
“No deal, but I'll make a counter-deal: I’ll make up on some sleep after I do another five hundred push-ups and sit-ups.”
“Five hundred more?!” Twilight and Celestia shouted.
“Not enough, huh? Then I’ll stop after seven hundred of each.”
Author's Note
On the bright side, Spike is on pace to become ripped and be a one-dragon army!
