Alicorn Business

by Drunk Luna

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1010

New princess Twilight learns about a secret perk of being an alicorn.

Just after Twilight’s transformation into an alicorn, Celestia and Luna tell her about a strange yet necessary bodily function that only alicorns are capable of performing. Rated T just to be safe.

Published 2023-03-23 01:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-03-23 01:20:00 UTC

Alicorn Business

Princess Twilight Sparkle wandered into the spacious throne room of Canterlot Castle, still awestruck by the opulence that surrounded her. She wondered why the other princesses had invited her to this meeting. As the purple alicorn strode tentatively down the impossibly long aisle, she noticed the serious stares on Princess Celestia’s and Princess Luna’s faces.

“Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said coolly, “come and sit with us. We have summoned you here to discuss a matter of great importance.” Twilight’s stomach flipped, but she reminded herself that she reigned alongside the co-rulers of Equestria now, so she had no reason to feel intimidated.

“Is there a friendship problem?” Twilight asked. “You two aren’t fighting again, are you?” The two sisters exchanged a glance and chuckled.

“No, dear Twilight,” Celestia said, smiling at her former student. “We need to talk about your new… abilities. There are certain things that alicorns can do which are rarely spoken or written about.”

“Yes, I’ve read all the material I could find about alicorn magic, how to keep it in check, why its power can sometimes manifest in the form of the length and ethereal nature of our manes and tails—“ Twilight trailed off. “Oh my gosh, am I talking too much?” She looked down at the glossy white marble floor as heat rushed to her cheeks. Celestia chuckled uncomfortably.

“You see, Twilight,” the solar princess began, “alicorn magic changes your body dramatically. Some of those physical changes occur instantly, and some happen gradually. The massive amount of power that you now possess will affect your body in ways that could be…” she paused, as if she was searching for the right words, “…jarring… for you at first.” A bolt of anxiety surged through Twilight’s chest, but the new princess took a deep breath, both curious and nervous about what Celestia meant. She opened her mouth to ask, but no words came out. Her heart pounded, and she began to shift her weight from one side to the other, bouncing ever so slightly in anticipation.

“Your bodily functions will change,” Luna said bluntly. “Let me ask you a question, Twilight Sparkle: How do you think rainbows are formed?” Twilight laughed.

“That’s easy. Weather Pegasi,” she said. The answer seemed obvious, but the looks on the other princesses’ faces said otherwise. Celestia shook her head.

“Have you… used the restroom recently?” Celestia asked, clearly extremely uncomfortable. Twilight’s brow furrowed, and she blushed at the unusually personal nature of her former mentor’s question.

“N-not in a few days,” Equestria’s newest princess replied. “I read that alicorns can go for days without… relieving themselves.” She blushed a bit more, looking down. After a few long, incredibly uncomfortable seconds, Luna cleared her throat.

“The next time you… relieve yourself,” the lunar princess said, “it will be a completely new experience for you.” She glanced at Celestia, unsure of what to say next. Twilight’s eyes grew wide with fear.

“What do you mean?” the princess of friendship demanded, looking from Luna to Celestia. “Will it hurt? Will I go more frequently? Should I change my eating habits? What are you saying?” Twilight’s heart began to pound, and the room began to spin. She took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. Celestia shook her head.

“You are about to learn a secret about rainbows,” she said. “Have you ever noticed that rainbows don’t just appear after a storm in Equestria? They can show up at the most random times, even at night. Have you ever wondered why?” Twilight pondered Celestia’s observation, still confused.

“Oh, just get to the point, sister,” Luna huffed, irritated. “We poop rainbows, Twilight Sparkle. All alicorns poop rainbows.” A loud, unmistakable sound suddenly echoed around the throne room. As Twilight searched for its source, she caught sight of some sparkly, multicolored flecks of light floating around Celestia. A sweet, familiar scent filled the room.

“Is that—?” Twilight was cut off by Luna, who held up her hoof.

“We also fart glitter,” Celestia explained. “That was a small demonstration. Our flatulence always smells like cotton candy, and so does our excrement.” Twilight nodded, remembering many, many meetings with the princesses where she had caught a whiff of the popular treat while noticing a sudden burst of glitter from Celestia or Luna. She had never paid much attention to these things, simply dismissing such occurrences as spontaneous manifestations of the power possessed by the rulers of Equestria.

“Should we tell her about the Sonic Rainboom, sister?” Luna asked. Without waiting for an answer, the blue alicorn glanced around her, then leaned in towards Twilight.

“A Sonic Rainboom is what happens when an alicorn… uh… sharts, to put it crudely,” Luna explained. “When your brother married Princess Cadance, Rainbow Dash didn’t actually perform that Rainboom at their wedding. I wasn’t at the wedding because I had a terribly upset stomach that day. I only made it to the reception because I stole some of Tia’s Imodium. Anyway, that Sonic Rainboom was a result of a terrible case of diarrhea; I sharted so violently that a beautiful display of color was created at just the right moment to celebrate your brother’s marriage. It was a wonderful coincidence.” She grinned proudly. Twilight blinked in amazement as she stared at both princesses.

“But this can’t be true,” she said. “I’ve changed Flurry Heart’s diapers thousands of times, and believe me, they have never been filled with rainbows, nor have they ever smelled like cotton candy.”

“Alicorn foals tend to defecate like regular ponies until they start eating solid foods,” Celestia said. “Once she has been weaned, Flurry will fart glitter and poop rainbows like a little pro. It will be much easier for you to change her.” Twilight looked from Celestia to Luna, whose expressions were still serious. She knew they were being completely honest with her, but she still couldn’t believe that everything alicorns created—even their excrement—could be so saturated with magic.

“What about—?” she asked.

“Pink lemonade,” the royal sisters replied in unison before Twilight could finish her sentence.