Drill Sergeant Cadance

by ThePinkedWonder

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Royal Guard, Shining Armor, Slice of Life
Length: 7838

After learning of the success Princess Luna had when she personally trained her guards, Princess Cadance decided to do the same to her guards.

Still lamenting her guards' quick and embarrassing loss against the now-reformed Changelings, Princess Cadance decided she should personally whip them into better fighting shape. Princess Luna electing to train Canterlot's guards herself was a change that worked wonders for them.

However, Shining Armor doubted if Cadance, possibly the kindest of the alicorn princesses, was emotionally capable of training her guards with the same degree of "tough love" that Princess Luna had with hers.

Fortunately, or unfortunately from the guards' point of view, Shining's worries proved to be wrong once Princess Cadance became Sergeant Cadance.

Enough will be explained to not require reading this story's predecessor first. However, check it out if you want to see the details of how Princess Luna's training of Canterlot's guards went and what led to it.

Published 2023-06-04 16:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-17 20:29:13 UTC

Chapter 1: The kindest alicorn's decision

Prince Shining Armor sometimes wondered what was harder: being a prince, a father, or a husband. If he had to answer, he’d say being a husband was the toughest out of the three. He had to read the most books about that one.

In fact, in his bedroom, he was reading one of those books about being a husband at this very moment. Lying on his stomach on his bed, he was reading the previously mentioned book titled “20 Ways to Please Your Wife.”

Nuff said.

The tapping of hoofsteps approached the closed bedroom door. Shining slipped his book under his pillow–no way would he risk anypony catching him reading it. The door opened in blue magic and revealed Princess Cadance, who bore a conflicted frown on her lips.

“Uh, hi, Cadance. Something wrong?”

“Sorta.” Cadance stepped inside the room. “We need to talk.”

As it should happen to any husband upon hearing that dreaded sentence from their wife, Shining’s stomach and lips sank. Anxiety and dread built a house inside the collapsed stomach. “What did I do wrong?”

“No, I’m not mad at you.” Cadance trotted closer to stand right in front of her and Shining’s bed. “It’s just…I’ve been thinking. I don’t want to speak this way about them, but why aren’t our guards better at fighting threats?”

Talk about a question coming out of left field. Shining answered on borderline instinct, “Come again?”

“How they battled the Changelings before they reformed was…awful. It would be one thing if they had at least held their own, but it wasn’t even a contest!”

“To be fair, the Changelings took you down too.”

“Maybe, but I was weakened from a stomachache that day from something I ate.”

“Yeah, ‘stomachache’.” Shining blew a sarcastic huff. “You sure seemed awfully fine during your and Thorax’s duet about the Crystal Empire Buckball team’s first-ever Ultra Bowl victory.”

“B-but my stomachache came after our song was finished.”

“The Changelings revealed themselves barely one minute after your song. The timing of your stomachache is a little too convenient.”

The Princess of Love searched for another lie, but no new lies offered their services. Thus, she sighed in defeat. “Fine, you caught me. Still, despite being blindsided by the Changelings early in the battle, I managed to keep fighting for about ten or so minutes before I was finally overwhelmed and passed out. Flash Sentry was the only guard who managed to last thirty seconds.”

Unlike his wife, Shining knew not to offer work to aspiring lies. He copied her by letting out his own sigh of defeat, though. “Okay, that point I will relent to.”

“You trained the guards we brought with us to the Crystal Empire, so do you have any ideas on what’s wrong? You train them sufficiently, right?”

”Of course I do!” Shining answered in a half-offended tone. “I run them through combat drills every five months!”

Cadance raised a puzzled eyelid. “Wait, every five months? Shouldn’t it be a little more often than that?”

Shining rubbed his cheek in thought. “I guess, but I always make up for it by having them be in prime, tip-top shape with other drills. After all, my philosophy is ‘The best defense is an army of fit, strong ponies’.”

“I hate to say it, but I think your philosophy is only good on paper.”

“Hey! It's not just good–”

“Shining. Even without the Elements, Twilight's friends could fare better against the Changelings than our guards. You do know Rarity, right?”

If only Shining knew how savage Rarity could be in hoof-to-hoof combat, despite normally lacking the demeanor of a savage unicorn. Alas, he didn't know, leading to a second sigh of defeat. He poked his bed’s mattress with a hoof as he said, “You win.”

“I hardly think that having ineffective guards is ‘winning’,” Cadance deadpanned. She initially thought to simply suggest that Shining give their guards combat training more often. However, another idea flashed in her head. One that could not only yield better results, but potentially make the Crystal Empire nigh-uninvadable–if she wouldn’t screw things up.

“I have an idea. After Luna trained them, Celestia’s guards went from getting their flanks kicked even easier than our guards to being able to take down Luna. Maybe training from me can do the same thing for our guards.”

Shining raised his head in consideration. He was far from a weak unicorn, but their guards receiving direct training from an alicorn could bear more fruit than if he did it. But on the other hoof, the nature of (most) alicorns could consequently make them lousy drill sergeants, especially Cadance.

“No, that might be a bad idea.”

“Why? I may be much younger and a little weaker than Luna, but I’m still an alicorn.”

“It’s not that.” Shining rolled off the bed. He laid a hoof on Cadance’s back and said, “I just don’t think you have the personality for it.”

“I don’t have the ‘personality’?” Cadance asked as a scowl burned over her eyes. “What does that mean?”

He lifted his hoof off Cadance. “I remember the brutal things Luna apparently put her guards through during her training and even threw in insults for good measure. You’re a great leader, but you’re too nice to be able to treat our guards as harshly as Luna treated hers when she trained them.”

Cadance closed her eyes to slip into deep thinking mode. Did Shining have a point? No, for her kingdom’s sake, she would need to rise above her innate kindness and do whatever needed to be done. “Then let me prove I can do it by taking over training them,” she said as she opened her eyes. “If you really are right about me, the worst that could happen is that it’ll be a waste of just one training session. Given our guards’ current performance level, I doubt it would do much harm.”

Shining couldn’t deny that she wasn’t wrong. The face of a wife who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer further cemented his surrender of this argument. “Fine. If you want to do it that badly, you can train them tomorrow. If you can handle it, then you can continue to train them as you see fit for a while longer.”

“Great! I will inform them that I will be in charge of their training starting tomorrow, but I will send Twilight a letter; I’m going to need one of her friend’s – I think – help.” Cadance trotted out of the bedroom. She peeked back into the room and playfully teased, “By the way, I hope you didn’t ask Twilight to pick out that book under your pillow for you. It’s a little outdated.”

That evening, Princess Cadance surveyed the Crystal Empire from her castle’s balcony. Try as she might to fend them off, Shining Armor’s worries buzzed on her mind.

“Maybe Shining was right. I can barely stomach disciplining Flurry Heart. I should reconsider trying to train the guards.”

The sight of ponies walking about on the Crystal Empire’s streets landed a successful smack on the pesty worries plaguing Cadance. For those ponies – and the Crystal Empire as a whole – safety, she couldn’t allow herself to relent. No matter how much the Princess of Love might hate it, she would have to be more than just strict, but also harsh, mean, and loud to her guards when her training begins.

Naturally, her guards weren’t going to enjoy themselves either.

Author's Note

Methinks Cadance's guards are in for a big, and loud, surprise:rainbowlaugh:

Chapter 2: The slugs' training "buddies"

The next day…

The Crystal Empire’s Royal Guards, all wearing their armor and holding their spears, stood in their training grounds just outside of the Crystal Empire’s borders. They would be in for a level of training they would never forget.

“So why do you think Princess Cadance suddenly wants to train us?” A guard asked.

Another guard shrugged his hooves. “No idea. Maybe she wanted something to do? She does sometimes get bored around this time of day.”

“Or maybe she heard about how Princess Luna trained those bums in Canterlot to be – how was it said – buff, mean, fighting machines? At least we were always buff, more or less!”

“If that’s the reason she wants to train us, we might be in big trouble.”

“Yeah, right,” an orange pegasus, whose name was Flash Sentry, said. “Princess Cadance may be an alicorn, but she’s still Princess Cadance. Compared to the Captain’s drills, this is going to be a walk in the–”

“Clamp those mouths and line up, now!” a female voice bellowed.

The guards gasped. They dropped their spears and lined up in lines of seven. Princess Cadance, wearing a blue hat, sauntered to them, scowling.

“You slugs call that ‘fast’?! Old mares in retirement homes move faster than that!” She strode over to Flash. She glared him in the eyes and forced a shudder from the pegasus. “As for you, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Um, lining up?”

“With that posture?! And you are supposed to be the best guard we have?!” She scoldingly poked Flash on his back. “Stand tall, back straight, head high!”

Flash straightened out his posture while grinning submissively.

“Same goes for the rest of you!”

The other guards did posture fixing of their own and matched their peer’s grin.

Cadance paced back and forth in front of her guards and said, “Now, I’m sure you are wondering why I wanted to train you all. Well, I won’t lie; your embarrassingly quick and one-sided loss against the Changelings was pathetic! They didn’t even blindside any of you like they managed to do to me, and they still made you look like a joke!”

With Cadance continuing her “the reason you suck” speech, a guard whispered to another guard beside him, “Hey, is this her time of the ye–”

One of Cadance’s ears twitched. In a blue poof, she teleported in front of the whispering guard with a harsh scowl.

“Sir talks-a-lot! Did I give you permission to speak?!”

“N-n-no, Princess Cadance!”

She leaned her head closer to the hapless guard, coaxing a drop of anxious sweat to run down his forehead. “What did you call me?!”

“Uh, Princess Cadance?”

“Wrong answer!” Cadance leaned her head back. “If you weren’t so busy yapping to one of your pals, I would have gone on to say that you will call me ‘Sergeant Cadance’ when under my training! Is that clear?!”

“Yes, Sergeant Cadance!”

“LOUDER! Nopony could hear that little whisper!”

"YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

“Better! Now, I will give you all some credit; compared to how the guards in Canterlot weren’t buff before Princess Luna trained them, Shining Armor at least got you somewhat buff. Especially Flash Sentry.”

Flash smiled and triumphantly raised his head.

Cadance teleported to Flash. “Lower that head, deflate your big head, and put away that smile! You aren’t that much buffer!”

The top guard did what he was told. As if he wouldn’t.

With her guard’s ego grounded, Cadance resumed pacing. “Anyway, once I’m done with you slugs, your days of being no more than target practice will soon end. For now, since you have some fighting abilities, poor as they may be, we can skip to the tougher parts of my training right away, after you give six hundred push-ups as a warm-up!”

“Six hundred?!” all the guards shouted.

“Did I stutter?!”

“NO, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

“So six-hundred push-ups you will do! Shining Armor said you are all in tip-top shape, so you should be able to handle that many! Or maybe I underestimated you and you think six hundred is not enough?”

No reason to even answer that question. The guards dropped to the ground and pushed themselves up, and down. Up, and down, up, and down. Sweat rained down their faces as the pushing went on.

After they were finally done with push-up #600, they collapsed to the ground, panting. Luckily, their sergeant allowed them time to rest.

Ten minutes later…

“All right, rest time is over. Fetch your spears and prepare to engage in battle against some opponents I picked for you." Cadance looked up to a cloud. A draconequus stretched snugly across the cloud with a bag of popcorn. “Okay, Discord! It–”

“NO!!” the guards screamed.

“Sergeant Cadance, with all due respect, you can’t be serious about us fighting Discord!” Flash pleaded.

Cadance glared back at Flash. “Cool your panicking! Did I say he would be your opponent?”

“No?”

“Then next time, let me finish before you start freaking out!” Cadance looked back up to Discord. “As I was saying, Discord, it’s time! Give me three Bugbears! Remember to have them only feel minimum pain if they are pierced by a spear and not bleed from it, but still be slowed down from the injury!”

Discord snapped his paw; three Bugbears poofed into existence near the ground. As if they already had the okay, the Bugbears charged toward the guards.

Said guards snatched up their spears and split into three groups. They unleashed a battle cry, then each group charged at their own Bugbear, spears drawn.

*Pow!*

Annnnd each group was blindsided and knocked back with a single strike from a Bugbear they weren’t targeting. The poor ponies crashed and rolled onto the ground. Stars circled their heads.

Discord grimaced while watching the show from his cloud. ”Oof. Even with their armor on, that’s going to leave a mark. It’s no wonder Fluttershy said that the newbie sergeant wanted me to double as a safety net for these guys.”

Not amused by the "F-" grade performance, Cadance yelled, “Slugs! What in Celestia’s name was that?!”

A slug started, “Uh–”

“Wrong answer! Get up and try again!”

The guards shook off the stars dancing around their heads and stood to their hooves. They re-gathered in three groups, this time separated into their respective pony tribes, and charged back at the Bugbears. One of the bears flew up and the group of pegasi chased after them. Unicorns fired magic blasts at one of the two bears still near the ground while earth ponies charged toward the third one. The two grounded bears swerved side to side as earth ponies and magic beams blew just past them in missed tackles and hits.

For creatures so big, those Bugbears could move!

But despite the shockingly agile movements of their opponents, all guards’ eyes remained locked on their targeted Bugbear as they continued charging or trying to snipe one with magic beams. With ponies closing in from behind two of them, the three bears looped about to scatter all over the training grounds, then converged onto each other. Once together, the trio shot upwards at the last possible moment to evade the pursuing guards and magic blasts. The good news is that the guards’ charging and magic did hit targets.

The bad news: what they hit were their fellow guards!

*POW!*

They screamed and recoiled backward from the impacts of the friendly fire. Thankfully, the ponies charging with spears instinctively pointed their spears away safely before impact. “Sorry!” they yelled at each other.

All three Bugbears blew mocking raspberries at the downed ponies.

“This severely underwhelming story is almost getting sad,” Discord said from his cloud. He gulped down a pawful of popcorn and added, “Almost.”

Cadance growled and stomped to her so-called Royal Guards. "That was so awful, I would need to make up a new word for how awful it was! Fight as a unit and play off your respective strengths!”

“But we’re getting a little sore from this. Can we try again a little later?”

Definitely the wrong answer. Cadance’s scowl intensified as a vein bulged in her neck. “NO! Before the Crystal Heart was discovered, did I ‘try again a little later’ when I went without sleep to cast a protective spell 24/7 to keep Sombra at bay?! Did I ‘try again a little later’ when the Changelings invaded the Crystal Empire, even after I was too tired from the fight to see straight?!”

The underrated badflank pink alicorn leaned down to the questioning guard. “Well, did I?!”

“No.”

“See?! I could have quit much sooner in both cases, but I refused because the Crystal Empire needed me to stand and fight! If you are true Royal Guards, you will keep fighting!” Cadance lifted her head back up. In a less harsh tone, she added, “I wouldn’t have you take on those things if I didn’t know if you could prevail. Try doing something to distract them first, then go on the offensive.”

A spark of warmth and strength from their sergeant’s words pulsed through the guards’ bodies. They stood to their hooves, huddled in a circle, and whispered a battle plan.

As Cadance flew back to get back out of range of the battle, she thought, ‘Oh Celestia, it is killing me to put them through this. I’m going to make it up to them once their training is over.’

Oblivious to Cadance’s internal lament (obviously; they can't read minds), the guards broke out of their huddle. Every unicorn fired a flurry of magic blasts at the Bugbears, spooking all three beasts to fly away while weaving through the air. Pegasi, led by Flash Sentry, took to the skies and soared over the still-fleeing bears.

“NOW!!” Flash shouted.

The unicorns ceased firing magic. The bears froze from the sudden ceasefire. Pegasi took the opening to either slam into a Bugbear with their bodies or stick them with a spear–and then slam into them. The slams knocked the bears toward the ground, where the earth ponies rammed into them. After the earth pony attack, magic blasts from unicorns laid into the bears. After the final beam hit its mark, all three formally smug beasts collapsed onto their backs, then vanished in a poof.

The sergeant nodded in approval. “Congratulations, slugs. You have made your first step toward becoming buff, mean, fighting machines. Now that you have warmed up, it’s time to make things a tad harder now.” She looked at Discord and shouted, ”Discord, give me six Bugbears!”

Discord snapped his paw; six Bugbears poofed into existence and immediately charged. The guards yelled and repeated the first step of their past attack with unicorns firing magic.

However, the bears cut to either the left or right and circled the ponies like a tornado, who froze in surprise from the sudden change in the bears’ attack. The bears’ circling shifted into a dizzying all-out blitz into the stunned ponies, sending them flying every which way.

One of the guards, Flash, crashed and slid to land just before Sergeant Cadance’s hooves. He stared up at her and smiled sheepishly.

“Please don’t tell Princess Twilight about how I'm faring.”

“I will send her pictures if you don’t get back up and fight ASAP!”

He got back up ASAP and joined his comrades in another attack. Who all got smacked backward again by their “sparring” partners.

Welp, this would go on for a while.

One hour of flank-kicking later…

Another slam from Bugbear attacks knocked guards to the ground, again.

“Okay, that’s enough! Discord, you can send your Bugbears back from whatever you got them!”

His bag of popcorn now empty, Discord snapped his paw. The six bears poofed to Discord’s chaotic realm. He always wanted to have Bugbears as dinner guests.

“As for you slugs, I have to meet some delegates from Fillydelphia in a half-hour, so we will call it a day. However, we will be back out here tomorrow to try again. Is that clear?!"

“Yes, Sergeant Cadance!”

“I didn’t hear you! Answer like you mean it!”

“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

With that, Cadance and her bruised guards returned to the Crystal Castle. Those guards may never look at Cadance in the same light again, but at least they didn’t resent her. Perhaps they sensed she hated being so hard on them despite her hiding it perfectly.

Or they were just that loyal to her, being the benevolent and gracious alicorn that she normally is.

The next day, at the Royal Guards’ training grounds…

Yet another failed attack on six Bugbears smacked guards to the ground. It was becoming such a sad ongoing sight, Discord considered buffing them with his magic to throw them a bone. Alas, he chose to let them keep trying to do it with their own strength, for now.

“You one-trick-ponies keep trying the same strategies! Think outside the box a little!”

After a nod. the guards circled in another huddle. They whispered one inaudible new plan after another. After some revising of a plan, they all broke their huddle and charged. No unicorn fired magic.

The Bugbears, smirking at how their new punching bags were coming at them again, stay put. They had started to gain a bit of fondness for them, so the bears wanted to at least make it look like this wouldn’t be another one-sided battle.

As the guards drew close, all unicorns’ horns glowed. A blinding flash of light flared holes into the Bugbears’ retina. They roared in pain and covered their eyes as Earth ponies and pegasi charged into and leveled the bears with spears and tackles. Unicorns reinforced the attack with full-powered wave upon wave of magic. The owned Bugbears slammed into the ground, then disappeared in a poof of magic.

Victorious, the weary ponies collapsed to the ground, yet still summoned the strength to smile in pride.

“Finally. I was getting worried I’d be an old mare before somepony finally beat them–and it takes alicorns a long time to grow old. Now, those Bugbears did a number on you all even with your armor, so today's training session will end here. But come tomorrow, my training will stop being so easy. Is that clear?”

“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

The next day (again), back in the training grounds (again…)

“All right, slugs, I hope you are well-rested. As I said yesterday, this next leg of your training won’t be as easy as your Bugbear battles, so steel yourselves. Is that clear?”

“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

“Good!” Cadance looked up to Discord, lying across a cloud again. “Discord, give me a Cragadile!”

“Uh, you sure about that, Sergeant of Love? Half of your guards/slugs could get eaten.”

"What?!" the guards/slugs exclaimed.

“They’ll be fine! Just make it a well-fed Cragadile that won’t eat even a single hair of a pony!”

“Gotcha.” Discord waved down to the guards. “Good luck, sluggos. You are going to need it.” He snapped his paw; a massive Cragadile poofed in front if its (likely) victims. It roared and stomped its way closer, the ground shaking with each heavy stomp.

Hoo boy. Bugbears were one thing, but a Cragadile?! But then again, those "sluggos" were supposed to be able to deal with any threat to the Crystal Empire and its citizens.

Just ignore that Cragadiles are usually native to swamps and forests, such as the Everfree Forest, and thus are too far away to ever threaten the Crystal Empire.

“Remember, you are the defenders of the Crystal Empire. Don’t let that little Cragadile scare you; show it what you got!”

The guards roared and swarmed the Cragadile. It spun around in a harsh circle and slammed its tail into every guard, sending them careening in all directions and crashing onto the ground. They bounced back up and charged again, but unicorns added magic beams to the assault this time. Spears landed on the Cragadile, but their tips merely sild off the beast’s hard scales. The magic beam part of the attack fizzled against the previously mentioned scales.

As should be expected by this point, those guards then got knocked painfully again by a swinging tail and landed on their backs. Good try colts and fillies.

Not done yet, the ponies sprung to their hooves again. Unicorns unleashed a flash of light that blinded the monster, while earth ponies and pegasi fired a third round of spear attacks, poking for any weaknesses in the Cragadile’s armor. The Cragadile abruptly slowed its stomps and grew still on the ground. Its eyes slowly, wearingly, closed.

Cragadile: 2, Royal Guards: 1?!

The underdog guards cheered while hopping up and down. Some gave each other “high hooves.” As that went on, the Cragadile’s eyes flew open, its view now clear of the glare from the unicorns’ flash attack.

‘Suckers,’ the Cragadile thought. It roared and slammed its tail into the guards and sent them packing before they even had the chance to realize they were screwed.

Let's change that score. Cragadile: 3, Royal Guards: 0.

“Okay, that was a bit better, but–”

A guard said, “I quit.”

“Uh, what?” Cadance asked in a light gasp.

“Me too. I just don’t have what it takes.”

More guards followed suit. Uh-oh. Cadance thought they would dig deep and push through, not tap out!

It couldn’t end this way. Cadance’s mind raced on how to fix pushing them too hard. She could revert to her true personality, apologize, drop her plan to train them, and hope that the Crystal Empire wouldn’t get attacked again. Or consider training herself when she had free time and try to become an alicorn so powerful, she could defeat any villain all by herself. Or just ask the legendary Spike the Brave and Glorious to help save her kingdom if need be. Oh, and there were also Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends to help.

Or Cadance could take yet another option and shoot for a far crazier idea. She couldn’t screw up this train wreck much more, so why not go for it all?

“No! You can’t quit! Not with them watching and laughing at you!”

Flash turned his head in Cadance’s direction. “Uh, ‘them’?”

“I will tell you all a secret that Pinkie Pie once told me. This may be hard to believe, but weird ape-like creatures from another world are capable of watching us, and they always laugh at you!”

The laughed at guards’ eyes widened, followed by a mass gasping from their mouths.

“What?! They do?”

“Yes! They always joke about how ‘useless’ you all are, and sometimes even that ponies are dumb! It’s not just the future of the Crystal Empire’s defense in your hooves, but the pride of ponykind! Are you okay with them thinking they are better than us?! That we are an inferior species?!”

Raw, unyielding energy pumped through the guards' veins. “NO!!”

“Then shut those apes up by taking down that Cragadile! Show them the heart we ponies have!”

One thing her guards knew about Cadance, whether as their princess or sergeant, she had never lied to them. As crazy as her claim seemed, they believed her words, so they stood up and faced the Cragadile. Their teeth were gritted and scowls burned over their eyes. They didn’t charge ahead; they walked slowly forward, spears drawn and horns glowing, and surrounded their opponent. Each step of their hooves oozed determination. With their species’ prides on the line, they would not fail. This time, that Cragadile was going down.

High up in his cloud, Discord reached for his bag of popcorn, but grabbed nothing but air. “Darn. I should have brought more popcorn. This is about to get good.”

Maybe picking up on the guards’ new determination, the Cragadile roared in defiance. It spun its tail around, but its targets jumped backward, just clearing the appendage. Unicorns blasted magic beam after magic beam at the beast, while the other ponies rammed their spears at the Cragadile’s scales. The attacks kept having no effect, yet the prideful ponies refused to let up, though they mixed in backing away from the Cragadile’s occasional tail slaps and spins. At the very least, they would win by war of attrition.

“That’s it! Keep going! Everything has a weakness or soft spot! Think about how Cragadile bodies are built!”

Flash Sentry's eyes widened in realization. “That’s it! Everypony, let’s get this thing on its back!”

“We unicorns got you covered! Get ready to pick it up after we give ugly here another dose of light!”

The unicorns flashed a bright, blinding glare, stunning the beast for a second time. Earth ponies and pegasi dashed to a side of the Cragadile and the unicorns grabbed it with their magic. With all their physical and magical strength, they flipped the juggernaut onto its back, then rained out spears and rammed their bodies into its softer underside. Roars of pain followed, then the Cragadile poofed from the battlefield.

Now the guards could cheer to their hearts’ content.

A deafening blare of a whistle cut through the air and into the guards’ eardrums.

“Nice job, slugs, but don’t get carried away!” Cadance scolded while holding a whistle. Where she got it from even I don’t know. ”You still have one last thing to do before your training is complete! You will find out tomorrow, but for now, we will call it a day! Is that clear?!”

“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

With some small hops in their trots – they didn’t want to get chewed out if the skips were too blatant – the guards followed Cadance back to the Crystal Castle.

‘That was close. I wasn’t sure if they would have believed that absurd lie about us being watched. Who would even want to watch what ponies do anyway? We’re not that interesting.’

Technically speaking, Cadance’s record of never lying to her guards remained perfect. Just because she didn’t have Pinkie Pie’s power to see past the fourth wall didn’t make what she said about many of you any less true.

On the next day, Cadance would provide her guards’ final test. One that would make even the Cragadile look like a warm-up training partner.

The test: defeating Sergeant Cadance herself in combat. Winning against her would be even tougher than what the guards would expect, even considering her immense alicorn magic.

Author's Note

Sounds like these guards will have an even harder time taking down Cadance than Luna's guards did taking her down--and the latter guards struggled!

On a related note, one thing I had some trouble with was figuring out ways to make this story not look too much as repeat of Drill Sergeant Luna, so Cadance's training methods being different from Luna's was a way I came up with to have this be a little different.

Chapter 3: This is gonna suck

The day of reckoning–that is, the next day at the Royal Guards’ training grounds…

Wearing armor that was further enhanced by alicorn magic, the Royal Guards stood at the ready in front of Sergeant Cadance. It was time for those guards to face their final test.

And probably learn how it feels to be an alicorn’s punching bag.

“Okay, slugs, it is time for your final test,” Sergeant Cadance said. “You will face one last opponent. Do whatever it takes to bring them down – fight dirty if you must – and do not drop your guard until I say they are defeated. Once you win, your training will be complete. Is that clear?!”

“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

“Good. Now, as for who your opponent is–” Cadance stepped forward “–She is me.”

“Oh, okay,” Flash Sentry said nonchalantly.

“Uh, ‘okay’?” Cadance asked in an uncharacteristically – for Sergeant Cadance anyway – baffled tone.

“With how hard you pushed us, I think we can hold our own against even alicorns now. We won’t be laughed at again by those apes you told us about.”

“Hehe, I’m imp–” She slapped her cheeks. The sergeant couldn’t go back to being a princess just yet! “I-I mean, I would expect nothing less out of my guards, so we will begin at once. Alicorns heal quickly, so do not worry about injuring me; fight me as hard as you would Tirek or Chrysalis.” Cadance flapped her wings and rose in the air.

The guards all glanced at one another and nodded. Most of the earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi charged toward Cadance. The sergeant’s horn glowed turquoise, and beams of magic shot from it and toward the guards. The magic’s targets sidestepped and weaved between the attacks.

Not a bad start.

Unicorns shot back with their own magic blasts, which predictively slammed into a turquoise barrier Cadance formed in front of her. The still-charging earth ponies and pegasi rammed into and bounced off Cadance’s barrier at full force with nary a crack of the shield. The ponies repeated their ramming and magic firing into the barrier.

“You are persistent, but you will have to do better than this!”

With Flash Sentry leading them, a small group of guards snuck behind Cadance.

“She fell for it,” Flash whispered. “Just like they said Princess Luna did during this tactic, Sergeant Cadance isn’t paying attention to anything behind her. Now, on three.” He pointed a hoof toward Cadance. One. Then pointed it a second time. Two.

With a third point of Flash’s hoof, the small group charged at the distracted pink alicorn!

Talk about anticlimactic.

*Slam!*

The wily small group of guards bounced off a second turquoise barrier that had just appeared behind Cadance. At the sight of the failed sneak attack, the much larger group of guards froze their decoy attack with their jaws dropped.

“How I knew is simple, slugs,” Cadance preemptively answered as she smirked. “You’re not the only one who knows how Princess Luna’s guards defeated her.”

A burst of magic shot from Cadance’s body in all directions and rammed into all guards. They flew through the air, spinning end over end screaming, and crashed onto the ground. Groans of frustration – and pain – ensued.

“All things considered, I will grade that a ‘6’ out of 10. I cleared out the rest of my day, so we will keep going until either you take me down or Princess Celestia lowers the sun. In the latter’s case, we will be back out here tomorrow to try again. Am I clear?”

*groans*

“I said, ‘Am I clear?!’”

“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”

Cadance took to the air. “Then on to your hooves for round two!”

The guards-turned-punching bags pushed themselves to their hooves.

“Unless somepony has another idea on how to beat her, this is gonna suck.”

A stallion stared toward his Cutie Mark, though it was covered in his armor. “Sorry, flank. I think you’re going to get kicked again for a while.”

‘If an alicorn must pound on me for days, why couldn’t the alicorn be Princess Twilight?’

Shining Armor trotted out of the Crystal Empire’s borders and headed toward the Royal Guards’ training grounds. It was as good a time as any to watch Cadance's training in action.

“I still can’t believe she hasn’t given up. I gotta see how she’s doing for–”

A flash of magic surged from over the training grounds. Screaming guards flew through the air, end over end.

“Come on, slugs! You can do better than that! Use your battle instincts!”

Cue another magic blast. Cue more guards flying and screaming.

“Whoa. I seriously underestimated her. She’s really getting into it!”

Shining continued to watch Cadance’s “combat drill” and the smacking around of guards. A blush lit on his cheeks. Seeing his wife being such a badflank made her hotter than ever.

“I should have had her be the one to train them long ago. Or train me. Heh heh.”

Three days later, back at you-know-where…

One burst of magic lit up the air. Armor-wearing yet still bruised guards rained down onto the ground.

“Don’t give up! Remember those apes! Don’t give them a reason to think you are a joke by giving in!”

The guards stood to their hooves and gathered into a huddle.

“Okay, so ‘charge full force and hope it throws her off by it being too stupid’ is out,” a unicorn said. “This time, let’s pretend to rush her, then suddenly act like something’s behind her.”

“Good call, and it’s how the Changelings managed to land their first hit on her. Let’s do it!”

The ponies broke their huddle and sprinted toward Cadance. She raised a barrier, but the army immediately slid to a stop and gasped. Their muscles froze. They just needed Cadance to look behind her just for a moment, then victory would be theirs!

A beam of turquoise magic rammed into the group of faking guards and knocked them onto the ground.

“Ow. Okay, so faking that something is behind her is also out.”

“Did you really think I would forget how the Changelings blindsided me with that same trick?!" Cadance yelled with her horn still glowing. "You’re not even trying to exploit any of my weaknesses! Use your knowledge of me as a pony against me!”

Unfortunately for the guards eating dirt (again), Cadance wasn't a pony that forgot her lessons. The previously mentioned dirt-eaters picked themselves up and re-gathered into a huddle.

“Okay, any ideas?”

“Nope. I thought I knew her, but I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Or maybe we do,” Flash said as he smiled. “Remember how she giggled when she saw how we weren’t worried about having to fight her, even if we feel otherwise now?”

“That’s right! There’s still some Princess Cadance inside of Sergeant Cadance!”

“And as powerful as she is, Princess Cadance has a big weakness we can use! First…”

Flash whispered their newest plan. After they all nodded in agreement, the pegasi broke from the huddle and flew ahead at full steam. Cadance raised a barrier, but the pegasi cut hard to the left and circled her like a tornado. The Bugbears they fought before would be proud.

“Trying to make me dizzy I see, but it won’t work!” Cadance fired another wave of magic outward, sending her pegasi guards into tailspins. They all crashed onto the ground, again.

“Ow!” Flash winced and grabbed a foreleg. “My leg!”

Cadance’s eyes and mouth widened. “Oh no! What have I done?!” She flew to her downed guard. “I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt–”

“NOW!!”

Unicorns fired magic blasts into Cadance’s sides and back. She yelped in pain and the force of the magic attack knocked her to the ground. She lay still but emitted feeble moans.

“No!” one of the unicorns exclaimed. “Now we went too far!”

Wearing frowns, the unicorns hurried to the motionless Cadance.

“Sergeant Cadance! Are you okay?!”

“We’re sorry about that ploy, but you told us to fight dirty if we–”

A blast of magic flew from Cadance’s body, smacking the unicorns away and onto the ground. She rose to her hooves and shook her head while muttering “tsk-tsk-tsk.”

“What did I tell you slugs about dropping your gua–”

A familiar orange pegasus rammed into Cadance’s back. The earth ponies joined in with punches and kicks onto Cadance’s stomach, back, and even face (She did order them to fight her like they meant it!), followed by tossing her into the air. Pegasi joined the sergeant-pummeling with rams and aerial punches/kicks as the pink alicorn ricocheted throughout the air like a living pinball, painfully yelping from each hit. The attacks ceased…just for magic beams to take their turn laying into Cadance’s progressively bruised body.

Perhaps those ponies bore a bit of resentment against Cadance and her training methods that even they weren't aware of.

One last magic beam attack later, Cadance slammed into the ground, leaving a small crater under her. The guards surrounded her, hooves planted and at the ready.

“We didn’t,” Flash said in seriousness.

“Ow. Okay, I am defeated, so you really can stand down now.” Cadance’s lips softened into a proud smile, despite her body having seen better days. “I’m so proud of you, and I’m sorry for being so mean and harsh to all of you. I hated it more than any of you could imagine, but your training is now over.”

“We’re glad you were so hard on us,” Flash said for all the guards. “Thanks to you, we are ready to protect the Crystal Empire from anything now. We will never let you and Captain Shining Armor down and be jokes again!”

“And we’re sorry we hit you so hard, but you wanted us to go all-out against you. Do you need a doctor, Sergeant Cadance?”

“Definitely. Butjust in case I’m hurt far worse than I think and so I don’t have anything left unsaid, tell Shining Armor that I…once had something better in the past.”

“What do you mean?”

“Trust me, he will know what I mean.” Cadance’s eyes closed as her consciousness went out for lunch. If she didn't think she deserved this beating due to guilt, she would have regretted not wearing any armor of her own.

The guards stared at one another. Confusion blocked their urge to fetch a doctor for their injured ex-sergeant.

“I don’t get it. Does anypony know what she was talking about?”

“Nope. Let’s just hope Captain Shining knows.”

However, while his comrades remained baffled at Cadance’s (hopefully not) final request, one guard understood the true meaning of her words. This guard had first met Cadance years ago, before she had gotten together with Shining Armor.

And he danced for joy in his head at Cadance’s confession.

Princess/ex-Sergeant Cadance nearly ruined everything, but she succeeded in turning her Royal Guards into buff, mean, fighting machines. Thanks to the improved guards and their resolve to never be laughed at, the Crystal Empire was set to be safer than ever. The Princess of Love would sleep easier from now on, and the Crystal Empire’s ponies would live happily ever after.

As if!

Naturally, this sorry excuse of a story wouldn’t do without this biting Cadance hard in the flank due to something she didn’t see coming. But in her defense, alicorns are powerful, not all-knowing.

Author's Note

That doesn't sound good. What's going to go wrong for poor Cadance?

and this story isn't that bad

Chapter 4: Sure didn't see this one coming

One and a half years later…

Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor relaxed on their thrones in their throne room. It was a slow day for them, so they took this time to chillax and spend a little quality husband/wife time.

“Well?” Cadance turned her head to Shining. A sly smirk curled onto her lips.

“What?”

“Do you remember what day this is?”

“Uh…” Shining gasped. Was it Cadance’s birthday or their anniversary?! He knew he should have double-checked the calendar in case a don’t-forget-or-else-day was looming! “Uh, I-do. I bet you thought I forgot it’s–”

She giggled reassuringly, luckily. “Don’t panic. Our anniversary is still two months away and my birthday is next month."

Equestria would not be one less stallion after all. Shining blew a massively stress-freeing sigh. "Cadance, please don't do that again when it's not your birthday or our anniversary."

"Hehe, sorry. I was just going to say it was exactly one and a half years ago that I trained our guards. So, say it.”

“Say what?”

“Say that I was right and you were wrong.” Cadance’s eyes squinted smugly. Her ears ached to receive the words she wanted to hear.

“Heh heh, okay, I’ll say it again. You were–”

A male guard trotted into the throne room. “Your Highnesses, I should inform you that Sombra has returned and is heading to the castle as we speak,” he said calmly and matter-of-factly.

“Oh, he’s back again, huh?” Cadance replied just as matter-of-factly. “He will likely come in here to give some ‘surrender now or else’ speech, so summon all of the guards here at once, but tell them not to engage him until they are all here and together. As you do that, I will write a letter to Princess Twilight and Spike the Brave and Glorious for backup.”

“I will, although we shouldn't need their help this time. We got this!”

The guard left, steps screaming assurance. Cadance calmly grabbed a scroll with her magic and wrote her “distress” letter. Once written, she sent it to Princess Twilight with a blast of her magic. Who needs mail ponies when you could send mail to others instantly via magic?

“Uh, Cadance, are you sure you should risk worrying Twily over this? Our guards are more of a match for Sombra.”

“That is true, but it won’t hurt to play it safe just in case miracles work for villains. Besides, Twilight could use this chance to spend some time with Flurry.”

“Good call. She hasn’t seen Flurry in a wh–”

Faint hoofsteps crept through the air. Bit by bit, they grew louder.

“He’s taking his sweet time,” Cadance said in borderline amusement.

“Would you expect anything else from him? While we still have time, how long do you think he will last–”

The not-at-all feared Sombra sauntered into the throne room, wearing a villainous smirk.

“Well, long time no see, Sombra,” Cadance greeted mockingly. “If I had known you were coming, I would have tidied myself up. I must look like a mess right now.”

Sombra blinked twice. His smirk weaned into a puzzled frown. “Uh, okay. Not how I thought you would react to the real ruler of the Crystal Empire returning, but–”

All of the Crystal Castle guards ran or flew into the room, led by Flash Sentry. They surrounded and pointed their spears at Sombra.

“Give it up, Sombra!” Flash ordered. “We won’t let you come any closer to the Princess and Prince!”

“Oh, but I won’t,” Sombra said as his previous smirk made a comeback.

“What are you up to?” Shining asked.

“Perhaps you are just here to reform?” Cadance grabbed another scroll. “In that case, I can ask Princess Twilight if she could find a spot for you in her friendship school. She's always willing to teach friendship.”

“Not quite, but I do believe some ponies here are about to…change their ways.” Dark purple magic leaked from Sombra’s horn and seeped into all of the guards’ bodies. Their eyes glowed green. They pulled their spears away from Sombra, run/flew to and surrounded Cadance and Shining Armor, and pointed their spears at the royal couple.

“Oh, right,” Shining said in embarrassment as his ears drooped from that same embarrassment. “You can do that.”

“Yessss, I can ‘do that’.” Sombra’s smirk grew larger. “So, heh heh heh, what do you have to say now, ex-Princess Cadance and ex-Prince Shining Armor? Will you surrender now or wait until I’ve made myself at home?”

Cadance looked at her brainwashed guards, her own ears drooping. Did that alicorn feel silly! “Yes, I have something to say.” Cadance looked toward Sombra and stared him eye-to-eye. “Sombra, you won’t get away with this, but I sure didn’t see this one coming.”

Author's Note

That moment when you realize you did too good a job.:rainbowlaugh: