Madness of Anon

by ImNew2023

Rating: mature
Tags: Anon, Second Person, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zecora, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Romance, Princess Luna
Length: 4102

An Anon travels across Equestria on a quest to prove himself worthy of Celestia. Madness ensues.

Following the pattern of Anons, our protagonist (or antagonist depending who you ask) ends up in Equestria.

Setting off on an epic adventure he will travel across not just Equestria but the homelands of the griffins and zebras. Facing many threats, most of which self inflicted, nothing will stand in the way of his ultimate goal.

Make Celestia his cake loving horse waifu.

Published 2023-03-27 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-03-27 18:50:01 UTC

A trip to the witch-doctor

Your name is Anon… no you’re not THAT one. But you are in the same sticky situation.

You were walking along one day, minding my own business. Then some truck driving mother fucker almost ran you over! Luckily you moved out of the way instead of just staring at it like a deer in headlights.

Once you were out of the way it stopped. The driver opened the door. But he wasn’t human. He looked like some sort of bird/goat/dragon tube thing.

“Get in loser we’re going to cause some chaos” he said.

“Fuck no” you refused.

“I’ll give you big booty bitches” he offered.

“Alright I’m set” you responded getting in.

“To Equestria it is! Land of friendship and talking ponies!” He proclaimed as he pressed on the gas before I could object.

And that’s how you got to Equestria. At first you were pretty pissed at Discord for all this but he disappeared right after he dropped you off. Something about “his spiritual form can’t enter a world where his physical one is trapped” or something like that.

After wandering the woods for a day you found Ponyville. Contrary to my expectations the ponies weren’t just tiny horses. They looked more like the furries in animations back home. While they were definitely horse-people they stood on hind legs and had hands instead of front hooves.

You ended up crashing in the home of Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn who lived in a treehouse that doubled as a library. Not that you had many options. She was nice at least, seeing something of herself in you apparently. Being alone in a new place and all that.

But the situation did give you an insight. While practicing one of her spells, Twilight found out something about you. Your body had been flooded by a kind of magic she’d never seen before. Every test showed the same thing, according to the purple bookworm if you had been born a unicorn you’d be as strong as Celestia, leader of the ponies and apparently their Sun goddess.

Great isn’t it?. A chimera worm almost kills you, takes you to another world through some magic bridge, turns your body into a magical Chernobyl and to top it all off you still haven’t gotten the bitches you were promised!

Months passed and you were still lost, passing my time by working out and acting as an unpaid maid for Twilight.

“You live here for free,” she said.

Bullshit excuse. What the hell is a human supposed to do for work? The weather is controlled by ponies with wings, magic is real and you’re 90% sure that ‘Earth Ponies’ are part gorilla due to the bullshit levels of strength you’ve seen them display.

Sat at the coffee in the library one day you took a sip from the mug of tea in my hand. You had been in a rut for a third of a year, nothing interesting happened, nothing that you had been a part of. But that is about to change.

Being snapped out of my thoughts by Spike pulling on your sleeve I looked down at the young dragon “hey Anon have you sorted through the new books Twilight ordered?” He asked.

“Damn, I knew I forgot something”

Letting out a light sigh Spike went over to the pile of unsorted books in the corner, picking one up.

“What’s Fifty Shades of Colt?”

Snatching it out of his hand you put it away on the shelf.

“I think that may be a little out of your age range little buddy”

Getting to work putting the delivery in alphabetical order you and Spike got to talking.

“You looked like you were pretty focused on something,” Spike said.

“I was, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’ve been in Equestria for about five months now, everybo- sorry, everypony has gotten used to me by now. It’s about time I start thinking about what I want to do with my life”

“That’s great! Don’t take it the wrong way, it’s been awesome having another boy to hang out with. So what were you thinking of?” Spike asked.

“I’ve been through my options. I have no formal education recognised by the Equestrian state, few skills that can’t be replaced or done better by magic, and I’m technically an illegal immigrant so there are no laws protecting me from forms of exploitation, so getting a job isn’t in the books for me” you explained.

“Oh and pass me that last book while you’re by it” you asked pointing at the brown leather covered book on the floor “sure, what’s it about?” Spike asked. Reading over the title your neutral face dropped into a frown.

“jobs for non-ponies in Equestria volume 1”

Quickly putting the book away you make the “hush” motion by pressing my index finger against your lips.

“Boys are you done putting the delivery away yet?” Twilight called out as she came up stairs “almost Twilight” Spike responded.

“I’ve been gone for three hours, what have you two been doing?” Twilight asked as she entered the room, having expected us to be done by now.

“Anon was just telling me what he wants to do with his life,” Spike said.

“And what is that?” She asked curiously as her gaze turned to you.

Stepping up onto a chair you placed a foot on the table, posing for dramatic effect.

“After much soul searching, contemplation and spiritual experimenting. I, Anon, have realized what I was brought here to do. The meaning of my existence” you said with bravado.

“Get a job” Twilight said in a monotone voice “no those are for basic bitches” you responded.

“I must go on a great quest, I must travel across the lands. Searching far and wide, I can never stop, never rest, not until my quest is complete”

“Again Anon, what quest are you talking about?” Twilight asked, getting a little impatient as she looked at the mark your shoe was leaving on her table.

“I. Must. Fuck Princess Celestia!” You proclaimed proudly pumping your fist in the air.

A few moments of silence passed before Twilight’s jaw dropped hard enough it actually cracked the floor.

“Uh… Anon, please tell me you're joking” Spike said with the most nervous voice you could imagine.

“What. The. BUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?” Twilight screamed with enough force to shake the building “what? You were always saying I needed to do something with my life and I think I’ve found it” you explained.

“Having sex with the Princess is not a life plan! I meant to get a job or find a passion, something like that!” Twilight explained, still clearly pissed off.

Putting your hands on her shoulders you looked into the enraged mare’s eyes “my dear dear Twilight, don’t you see? Celestia’s PHAT. JUICY. ASS. Is my passion” you explained.

Pulling away as her horn started to glow you took a seat placing your hand on your brow.

“But maybe you're right, I can’t just show up and pull down my pants”

Seeing you somewhat give up made Twilight calm down and regain her controlled complexion.

“Absolutely not”

“She’s a princess with a thousand years under her belt”

“And more”

“She’s probably got the royal guards running a train over her every night”

That last one made Twilight freeze again “I’m sorry but what” she said not even making it sound like a question.

“The amount of dick she must have gotten over the millennia, why didn’t I anticipate this”

“Nonononono no! Get those thoughts out of your head right now!” Twilight demanded stomping her hoof on the ground.

Standing up again you puffed out your chest “this quest will take longer than I expected. A mare with an ass like Celestia deserves the best! I must become the greatest lover in all of Equestria! As such I must fuck a hundred mares before I’m ready for Celestia” you ranted making Twilight have to multitask between facepalming herself and blocking Spike’s ears.

Before she could stop you you were already out the door running towards the Ever Free forest. A man on a mission, even if she already knew it would end badly for everypony involved.

“Spike, we need to warn Celestia this may become a problem” she groaned as her assistant went off to grab some paper and a quill.

———

Within the castle at the heart of Canterlot, Princess Celestia was enjoying herself. With the return of her sister Luna her own workload had cut in half leaving some time for herself for the first time in a thousand years.

Enjoying a nice slice of chocolate cake and a cup of tea Celestia was delighted by a letter appearing in a glass of green fire. A technique most commonly used by her student Twilight via her dragon Spike.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I’m sorry to burden you with this but a recent development has led to me writing to you.

The human Anon currently in my care has gone frankly insane. Believing his purpose in life is to… bed you.

While I have tried to stop him he has run off into the Ever Free forest in his mad quest.

I will retrieve him and deal with this but I felt compelled to inform you. While he is not dangerous Anon is a chaotic individual.

Again I must apologize for any of his potential actions as the closest thing to somepony responsible for him.

In future I will endeavor to keep a closer eye on him as I should have after the incident he caused at the last Gala involving Princess Luna. Which again I am incredibly sorry for.

Forever your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

Caught between blushing and giggling to herself Celestia looked back on that night.

She couldn’t deny that she found the Anon creature to be amusing. His antics give her something to smile about.

Finishing her cake she got back to work running Equestria, sparing stray thoughts as to how this newest tomfoolery would end.

———

In the forests next to Ponyville you found yourself outside Zecora’s hut. Nopony knew she lived out here but you had stumbled upon it a few weeks back.

Zecora and You got along fairly well, she sometimes paid you to go looking for ingredients in Ponyville that she couldn’t find in the forests.

Knocking on the door you only had to wait a couple seconds before it opened revealing the zebra mare who lived here.

“Anon my friend, what brings you to this forest’s end?” She asked in her typical rhyming way of talking.

“Zecora, I need you to make me a cock growth potion” you explained.

With the gears in her brain visibly turning Zecora snapped back to the waking world “while this is possible I must ask why? Surly you don’t have that small of a fry” she asked with a slightly cheeky grin growing at the end.

“It’s not that…. Or maybe it is? Perhaps I should start from the beginning”

After about half an hour you explained everything to Zecora. Much like Twilight she was at first heavily shocked at the plan but now she seemed more interested in finding out if such a potion would work. Going through her m books and scrolls Zecora brought a scroll out and placed it on her table next to an empty cauldron.

“Many stallions of every stock have sought to enhance the size of their cock” she explained while unrolling the scroll. The scroll depicted multiple equine phallus sprawled across the paper. From the top down it started at small dicks but as you read the list of ingredients the drawings got bigger and bigger.

“I don’t want to jinx it but I think this is the one”

Hiding a giggle behind her palm Zecora moved to the shelves gathering various roots, powders and something you swore was moving.

Watching her mix them together you tried keeping track of what went in and when just in case you needed to make more of this stuff yourself. Over the next hour Zecora had stewed a green bubbling substance within her cauldron.

Frankly it smells awful to you, a genuine offense to your noise.

“Please tell me I don’t have to drink that stuff” you said covering your face with your shirt making Zecora chuckle.

“There is no time to be meek, if to bed a princess is what you seek. One more ingredient has yet to join, the essence of a stallion’s loin” Zecora said, closing the distance between you.

Before you could stop her she was already on her knees taking your pants off. Instinctively trying to shuffle away Zecora held you in place by grabbing your leg “um, Zecora what are you doing?” You asked starting to get a little nervous.

“You will provide the seed I need, then you may satisfy your lustful greed”

Rubbing your flaccid dick, Zecora caused it to swell to full mass. You never considered yourself huge but you were definitely big by human standards, but I was certainly above average.

With about 6.2 (7.3 if it’s warm) inches of dick in front of her Zecora’s face remained neutral.

“It’s small isn’t it” you asked, dreading the worst.

“It is not small, but I must wonder why you need this potion at all”

“Wait, what do you mean it’s not small? You guys, excuse my language. Are horses, aren’t your males eighteen inches long or something?”

Your statement surprised Zecora “eighteen inches long? Anon you are quite wrong, stallions range from seven to twelve, but to reach eighteen no stallion’s cock has delve” she explained.

That made you feel a lot better actually.

Wrapping her fingers around your length Zecora repositioned you to face the cauldron before she began to jerk you off. Using rhythmic motions and the occasional kiss placed around your cock, Zecora gave you what you could only describe as the best handjob you’d gotten since coming to Equestria.

So what if it was the first one it counts.

Zecora slowly started to increase her speed. No longer just planting kisses along the shaft but licking it, sucking on your head as she moved faster and faster.

Slowly you could feel pressure building before “crap I’m going to cu-!” You snapped before a jolt of pleasure hit you. Ejaculating, several squirts of your cum went flying out, one or two hit Zecora in the face while the rest went straight into the cauldron.

Once your cum hit the brewing liquid it began to hiss, spitting out and boiling over the cauldron before reducing dramatically. Looking into the giant pot you could only make out a cup worth of the green potion remaining “well that just seems inefficient” you commented.

“You will grow because it shrinks, now all that is left to do is drink” Zecora said, spooning the liquid into a cup before blowing on it to cool it down.

“Now Zecora, we never said anything about me drinking my own cu-“ before you could finish your sentence of protest Zecora drank every drop of the potion before wiping her mouth dry with her forearm.

“The potion was not for you, just follow my lead and what I tell you to do” Zecora said.

Moments past before you started to see the effects of the potion began to take effect.

Biting her lip Zecora started to shake, dropping the cup in the process. When you went to try and hold her she pushed you back.

“Zecora what is going o-ooooooh my” you said as you watched Zecora’s chest rapidly swell, her tribal style chest band snapping. Letting her now huge tits breath, the air making her night black nipples harden quickly.

“What the fuck, I’m not complaining but what the fuck”

“The strength of stallions is found in their mother’s chest, now you my Anon will gain it like the rest” she explained removing the last of her tribal clothing. Now standing entirely nude Zecora turned, trotting over to a chair, swaying her hips as she went.

“Sit so we may begin” she asked. Not to argue with naked mares with big tits, you obeyed sitting down in the chair. Climbing into your lap facing you Zecora placed one hand around your neck and the other used to cup her swollen breast lifting it towards your mouth “now let us indulge in our carnal sin” she said licking her lips.

Leaning forward you enveloped the black nipple with your mouth, sucking on it you could taste the gush of milk going down your throat.

The taste was almost aphrodisiac-like, the more you drank the more you felt blood rushing to your crotch. More than you had ever felt before. You could feel your cock growing as it rubbed against Zecora’s ass “now to test my work, just do not go too berserk” she said lifting herself up before lowering herself back down. Now with her damp mare-hood pressed against the tip of my ever expanding cock.

“To sample your stallionhood, I am honored to be the first, but I warn you this gift comes with a terrible curse”

“Say what now?” You tried to say, your words being muffled by the test in your mouth.

“To contain your unbridled lust, breed a mare a day will be a must”

“Oh fuck off. I need to fuck someone once a day? Or what?” You thought.

“If you do not succeed to empty your load, within a week your loins will explode” Zecora said in between moans while she grinds against your tip.

“I’m sorry what?!” You snapped, Zacora’s breast now beginning to leak onto your abdomen ``you didn’t tell me my nuts would explode!” You yelled pointing a finger accusingly at the smirking zebra “if the truth had been told, your cock would have remained small and cold” she said in a teasing tone as Zecora all but dropped onto you.

Little by little nearly half of your cock had been slid into Zecora’s wet pussy. Letting out a hiss from the sudden movement you grab hold of Zecora’s hips.

Feeling the tight furnace clench around your shaft you couldn’t do anything sort of watch as Zecora wiggled about, slowly talking one inch after another of your shaft into her mare-hood until she had taken what felt like nine inches of your shaft was inside Zecora’s cunt.

“You have grown from the milk of my breast, now it is time for you to have the rest” she said pressing her unmilked teat to your lips.

Not saying no you start to drink the rest of her nectar, the sensation of blood rushing starting to return. This time it was going through your whole body instead of just your cock.

Feeling a sudden burst of strength you managed to stand up, holding Zecora off the floor by her thighs.

“This is for not telling me about the bloody side effects you striped bitch!” You grunted as you began to thrust in and out of Zecora at a high pace.

The hut soon became filled with the sounds of wet flesh slapping against wet flesh. Zecora’s moans of ecstasy and your near savage grunts becoming louder and louder.

It took well over fifteen minutes before Zecora climaxed, thirty for you.

It was a truly beautiful feeling. Her arms and legs wrapped around your body as she practically hung there. Your seed starts to leak out into the floor, making room for more of it to be pumped into her waiting womb.

Thanks to a little whining I let Zecora down.

“That was a divine session of mating, to make that potion for a long time I have been waiting” Zecora said shakily hobbling over to lean on a table.

While the sight of the mare’s nethers coated in cum was a truly amazing sight, you were still pretty pissed about the whole ‘your balls will explode if you don’t nut for a week’ thing. Plus looking down your cock was still bobbing lightly as it stood erect if not a little dirty.

“Oh you thought we were done?” You say with a sinister grin. Grabbing onto Zecora’s waist you sheath yourself back into her cum soaked pussy.

The hut was in a god awful state once the two of you were done. Cum and vaginal fluids had stained or soaked anything within thirteen feet of where the two of you were. Both of you had a fair amount of bite and smack marks left on your bodies along with each other fluids coating your skin.

Taking a seat you wipe some sweat from your brow as Zecora comes to join you. Sitting close enough to start cuddling you as she panted heavily.

“Any other surprising side effects I should know about?” You asked.

“The strength of your cock will not be yours alone, strong foals will be sired by each load you’ve blown, your son a dashing colt, your daughter a radiant mare, those of the prudent kind should beware” she said, planting a kiss on your cheek.

Cleaning yourself up you left Zecora’s hut heading back to town, your next target already on your mind.

———

At her library Twilight had gathered her friends the Bearers of Elements of Harmony sometimes called the Mane Six. She had already filled them in on what was happening. Their responses ranged from disgust to hysterical laughter.

“Surely Anon is joking, a mare of Celestia’s standing and… him?” Rarity asked with a raised voice trying to talk over Rainbow Dash’s thunderous laughter.

“I know that it sounds ridiculous but you all know Anon as well as I do. Once he gets his mind on something, few things in all of Equestria can change it” Twilight explained.

“Wait so Nonny wants to marry the Princess? How is that a bad thing?” Pinkie asked tilting her head “ooh I’ve always wanted to plan a royal wedding! I’ll go ask Mr and Mrs Cake if they can make a cake shaped like Canterlot castle” Pinkie said turning to leave before Applejack stopped her “I don’t think they’re gettin hitched sugarcube” she said unintentionally raining on Pinkie’s parade.

“Aww, but why not?” Pinkie said now sporting sad puppy dog eyes “Nonny is so sweet” she protested. Looking at each other before looking back to the pink mare Rarity and Applejack swallowed their breaths “Pinkie, we know you get along with everyone but… Anon is a lot of things, and sweet isn’t necessarily one of them” Rarity said.

“But he is sweet, every time he comes to Sugar Cube Corner he says I have the biggest flank in Ponyville” Pinkie said, the whole room looking at her admittingly gigantic rear “at least he has eyes” Dash said hiding a small blush.

“He is sweet Pinkie, but Anon also tends to… well… um” Fluttershy tried to explain “spread chaos wherever he goes” Dash finished “yes” Fluttershy said.

“We all remember when he tried to introduce that human holiday, 4th of July I think?” Rarity said “but he helped put the fires out” Pinkie defended “he made them worse Pinkie” Twilight stated.

“Listen girls, we all know Anon isn’t a bad stallion, but he’s going to get himself killed if he goes through with this insane plan, for all we know he could be doing Celestia knows what” Twilight explained “or Celestia knows WHO what” Rainbow Dash chuckled.

Rarity and Applejack just looked disappointed in Dash’s comment, Pinkie giggled psychotically, Fluttershy hid behind her wings while Twilight just rolled her eyes.

“Yes yes it's a very funny problem Rainbow, but please get serious. We need to go out and find Anon before he gets sent to Canterlot prison, he could be halfway to Las Pegasus by now” Twilight said.

“What makes ya think he’s leavin Ponyville Twi?” Applejack asked “if he’s smart he would. Unless Anon is as insane as his plan sounds he’ll be long gone by now” she explained.

But you weren’t gone, that being something they learnt the hard way when you burst down the door.

The Mane Six could only look on in horror (and a little excitement), as standing there, but naked, a massive flaccid cock swinging between your legs was you, Anonymous the Human, a shit eating grin plastered across your face. Screaming at a volume to rival the royal Canterlot voice.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!! I HAVE COME FOR YOUR VIRGINITY!”

Author's Note

I was very drunk when I came up with this idea