I Don't Like Me

by DavidReinold

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Sad, Comedy
Length: 1870

Mum? Dad? I have to talk to you about something...

Mum? Dad? I have to talk to you about something…

[Author's note: Written while listening to "Cara Mia" from Portal 2]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-12 14:05:15 UTC

Part 1 - Filly at Heart

In the back of my mind, I always knew I was different. I could feel it, deep down. Somewhere in my gut, something was wrong with me. Something painful, yet out of my control. It wasn't physical - well, actually it might have been depending on how you look at it - but the pain was emotional.

The problem was that I had been born a colt. You might say it's a silly thing to get upset over, but you don't know what it's like. To be perpetually uncomfortable in your own skin, to hate to look at yourself in the mirror - moreover, to look in the mirror and see somepony completely foreign to you - it's horrible. I cannot stress enough how awful and sickening of a feeling it is.

I knew from the day my parents taught me the difference between fillies and colts - I could tell, deep down, that I was the former and not the latter. No matter how many times my parents tried to tell me I was a colt, I wouldn't believe them. I couldn't believe them. What did they know about me? About who I was and what I felt? Absolutely nothing. I loved them, of course - they were my parents - but they didn't understand at all.

As years went by and I grew older, I realized I had to confide in somepony. I had to share my feelings - give them a tangible place in reality - if I wanted anypony to acknowledge me as a filly. If I let my sense of self slip away, if I just fell in and acted like a colt, I felt like I'd lose a piece of myself. A very key piece of myself that made me who I was. Without it, I'd just be a drone - a mindless replica of the pony I'd been told I should be.

My parents clearly weren't going to hear me out on the issue, so I had to settle for the next best thing - surely, my friends would listen. We were all supportive when we found out Wysteria watched My Little Human, and when Lancer's mother died we were there for him. Clearly, this was a group of friends that would listen to me and accept me despite this simple detail. They'd understand...right?

I wasn't exactly brimming with confidence, but I spoke up anyway. It was lunchtime, and all my friends were hanging out in the cafeteria. Getting started was the hard part, so I decided to just dive in.

"Hey guys, um...can I tell you all something important?"

"Sure, Pip, anything!"

"I...well, um...I think I might be a filly."

Right on cue, Lancer started choking on his soda. There was a long and awkward moment of silence, after which one of my other friends started laughing. "Ha ha ha! Tha's...tha's a good one, mate! Tha's...aha...tha's...tha's a real...you..." his face began to fall as I looked down out of embarrassment, "You...weren't joking?"

When Lancer had finally mopped up the remains of his soda, he spoke up, "You can't be serious. I mean...you're a colt. How do you just not know that? It doesn't even make sense."

"I...I'm being serious..." I said hesitantly, "I don't understand it either, but it's true. I don't feel like a colt."

"Yeah, but...you are a colt."

"No, I'm not. Not really."

"Um...yeah, actually, you kind of are-"

"No I'm not!"

"How stupid are you?" one of Lancer's friends chimed in, "You're a colt! Or didn't your parents ever teach you the difference?"

"Don't tell me what I am! I know myself better than you know me, thanks!"

I stormed off. I was furious and beyond humiliated. My heart was beating out of my chest from the heat of the moment, and I wished it would knock that off. I felt sick, tired and lonely. I just wanted to go home and stop existing. As I wandered aimlessly through the desolate hallway, Wysteria trotted up behind me.

"You here to laugh at me, too?" I asked coldly. She stopped dead, and my heart sank as I realized what I had just said to her, "I...I'm so sorry, that was uncalled for."

"No...no, it was completely fair..." she sniffed back a tear, "I feel awful that I didn't stand up for you back there. Are...are you alright?"

"Yeah, of course! I'll be fine! I'm really sorry, though, I shouldn't have snapped at you just now."

"I just...I have so many more questions now... but I'd understand if you don't want to talk about it..."

"No, no! I'd love to talk about it! I can't say I've answered all the questions for myself yet, but I'd be happy to share what I know."

"Oh...okay!"

So we stayed and talked for a while. The lunch bell soon rang, and the halls filled with ponies. I wasn't worried about missing class - I honestly didn't care. Not when I was spending time with Wysteria. In all honesty...she meant the world to me. I loved her.

"So...how do you know you're...like...I mean, is there a test?"

"No, it's just a really strong feeling. It's that sort of internal gender some ponies talk about. Generally, you just know. You can tell something's not right."

"And so...does this mean you like colts?"

"I- er...well no. I mean...I...well, that is to say..."

"Come on, what is it? You can tell me."

"I...I like you."

She blushed slightly and turned away. She was still smiling, which was a good sign. I was hoping I hadn't upset her.

"....Thank you..." She whispered.

"For what?"

"For...for saying it first." She reached across the lunch table and we embraced. My heart melted. I loved her so much. I would do anything for her.

"Thank you, Pip. For being so honest. Is there anything I can do to help? Anything at all?"

"Well...if you're okay with it...could you call me Piper from now on?"

She smiled brightly, and tears were welling up in her eyes. "Will do!"

As I walked her to her next class, she asked one last question.

"Do you intend to let your mane and tail grow out?"

"I plan to, yes." I said calmly. She stifled a giggle, and sighed. We hugged again, and with a comforting nod, she was gone.

* * *

The next day at school was rough. Really rough. Apparently, somepony had leaked my secret. As I soon found out, there was something wrong with what I'd said. As I walked down the hall between classes, ponies would either pretend I wasn't there, or push past me roughly. The rare pony who actually bothered to talk to me spat words of venom, and each time I would catch the word 'colt-cuddler'. I didn't understand. I didn't know why they were being so hateful to me when I had done nothing to them. Eventually, between second and third hour, I caught sight of Wysteria off to the side in the main hall. I made my way over to her, hoping she could become my island of solitude for the moment.

"Well, Piper...I'm just going to throw this out there...you told your secret to the wrong group of colts. And now, like every well-guarded secret, it's common knowledge."

"I can see that. I don't get why everypony is acting so hostile, though."

"They probably just don't understand. They're making assumptions based upon what they think they know. Let's be fair, even I didn't get it until you explained it to me."

"Yeah, but...you weren't mean about it."

"But that's only because I already think you're cool, and I wouldn't let a detail like this change that."

My heart was doing backflips at that moment. But as much as I wanted to keep talking to Wysteria, I had to get to class. I'd already skipped one in the last week - I couldn't afford to do that again. I also realized it would be an excellent idea to find out who all let my secret out. I needed to find out why they would do that and what made them think it was okay to. Not that I'd be able to confront them once I found out - there's a good reason why my parents named me Pipsqueak - but at least I'd understand.

Unfortunately, my luck was on vacation for the moment. When I got to my next class, which was Health/Equine Biology, I noticed we had a guest speaker. She was a unicorn who wore a smart pair of spectacles that complemented the slight creases under her eyes. On the board next to her, the words 'gender therapy as a form of psychology' were written in bold letters.

Oh no. Oh no. Please, dear Celestia, no.

"Yes!" our teacher, Ms. Hackney said eagerly, "today we have a very important guest! She's a professor at the University of Manechester, where she teaches psychology! And to day, class, she's here to tell us all out gender identity and how it relates to our current studies of the equine body!"

Ms. Hackney stepped aside and let the guest take the floor. My heart sank. On an ordinary day, a guest speaker from some university would bore the class to tears. But with everyone now being well aware of my situation, I knew the entire class would be hanging off her every word. This was very bad.

"Alright, well..." she stepped up and cleared her throat, "I'm Clover Leaf, and I'm here to talk to you all about the psychology of gender identity. Now, does anypony know what gender identity is?"

I shrank down into my seat, trying to avoid being noticed, but it was in vain - one of my classmates pointed a hoof at me eagerly.

"Pipsqueak knows! Pipsqueak knows!"

You know, I've always considered myself extremely peaceful and quiet, but at that moment, I wanted to kill him. I'm not even kidding. Ms. Hackney stood up eagerly.

"You know about this, young colt?" she asked, her eyes alight with enthusiasm. It irked me to be called 'colt', but hesitantly, I nodded. "Well, come on up! Come on, come on!"

My body shook with fear as I made my way to the front of the classroom. There, Clover Leaf peered down at me curiously through her horn-rimmed glasses. I stared back with a fearful expression that could easily be mistaken for hatred. It wasn't her I was mad at. It was that colt who had called me out. And to an extent, it was myself.

"So, mister..." she paused, expecting me to fill in the blank. Again I felt a surge of anger when she called me mister, but nonetheless, I responded.

"Pipsqueak, ma'am."

"Mister Pipsqueak..." I cringed again. "...what do you know about gender identity? Do you know anypony who has confusion about it?"

Yes, I thought, myself. I couldn't say that though. Not outright. Again I nodded. I could feel my face twisting into an expression of discomfort.

"Well...can you tell us who it is?"

With my face still contorted, I shook my head no. A few ponies laughed, but I didn't dare look up at them.