Other Terms Include 'Golden Slippers' And 'Horse Feathers'
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Other Terms Include 'Golden Slippers' And 'Horse Feathers'
Eventually, when she had reached the kind of rare moment of perfect peace and clarity which could only exist when the vomiting stopped, Rainbow would bitterly consider that none of it had been her fault. It was far easier to blame everypony else and when she assigned those targets of guilt, she meant just about everypony. Virtually all who had existed in the generations prior to hers, plus Fluttershy. It wouldn't have been a truly accurate tally of culpability without nosing over a special place of dishonor to Fluttershy.
It had been nothing Rainbow had done -- or rather, it had, but her intentions had been good! If she'd had a choice in any part of the matter (which she clearly hadn't, or she would have chosen to stop retching considerably sooner), then -- well, she probably would have done the same things all over again. Right up until the point where the now-phantom self who had existed in the timeline before reality had been mercifully rewound tapped the mare who existed within the blessing of a second chance, and suggested that now would be a really good time to close her eyes.
Because honestly, what kind of hero could you ever claim to be if your response to hearing a cry of pain wasn't moving towards it? And it had been a wail of agony, something which had instantly jolted her awake while nearly sending her off the comfortable outdoor napping perch on a beautiful spring morning (which nopony had thanked Rainbow for, let alone expressing gratitude for the perfect conditions over the outdoor market) -- but she'd gotten her wings unfurled before actually reaching the ground and as that scream meant nopony had been looking at her when she'd been knocked out of the tree's branches, there would be no issues in sticking to that story.
She'd tried to home in on the sound. Seconds later, another ear-flattening scream had provided an assist. And once she found the source...
Okay, seriously: what was she supposed to do upon discovering that a pregnant mare had gone into labor in the middle of the street? She didn't know anything about birthing foals!
Other ponies had been rushing about, trying to find a cart which they could load the mare into: the backup option was locating a unicorn whose corona was strong enough to carry her. Because you couldn't ask her to trot, or move, or do anything other than maybe try to hold off on the population increase for a few minutes and based on the way her ribs were heaving, that was pretty much a lost cause. And Rainbow had thought about trying to get the mare to the hospital, but -- it would have been a pressure carry. Four legs squeezing inwards in order to keep the passenger secure.
Rainbow had rather quickly realized that the thing about squeezing inwards on a mare who was already in labor was that you might produce an extra passenger. Furthermore, what was presumed to be a rather low-altitude flight would leave her with very little time to catch them.
So when she couldn't move the mare, and she didn't know about birthing...
It had been common sense! Just go straight for the hospital, grab the first pony she saw with an appropriate mark and honestly, anypony could have finished up on that bandaging! Redheart had no right to scream at Rainbow about having been snatched out of the emergency room, because it had been a genuine emergency. And once she'd gotten the medical professional back to the site, Redheart had even agreed with her: this had to be dealt with now. There was no time to move the mare. No time to do anything but make sure the process finished safely, on the spot.
Rainbow understood that. What she didn't get was why Redheart had evacuated the entire street. Sure, getting ponies to back up a little was a good idea because there was only so much oxygen in any given area and Rainbow hadn't found the chance to direct some extra at the mare. But for some reason so stupid that the medic hadn't even bothered to voice it, nopony was supposed to be in scent or sight range of the birth! Everypony just had to leave. And when somepony told Rainbow that she wasn't allowed to watch something...
It had also been common sense to find a place where she could survey events from the air, doing so from behind hastily-woven partial cloud concealment. You didn't just leave in the middle of a crisis. Redheart might need somepony to bring extra help and besides, if Rainbow left now, then the odds of having the foal named after her were probably going to head straight down.
She'd... never seen a foal being born before.
Okay: the... fluid which had come out first: that had been a little weird. Almost odorless, except for the tiniest tinge of sweetness. And the blood... she could deal with the scent of blood. It would be sort of hard to remain a Bearer if blood set off a fear response, and that meant Rainbow's main preference was for any blood to be someone else's. But the foal...
There was pain. A lot of it. Rainbow started to wonder if that was normal, and almost regretted having slept through so much of her Pony Biology class -- but that hadn't been her fault. She'd initially just needed to learn about wings, the sex stuff had been more than a little interesting -- and after that, the material had turned boring. Falling asleep on it was a perfectly sane response, especially when it led into Wonderbolts-based dreams. Which included sex.
But then the foal had sort of -- slid out. And...
...Rainbow had looked at the flanks first, checking for wings. That was natural. And there had been a lot of muck and slimy stuff matted into the fur, but that was okay. The inside of a body had all sorts of goop in it, including whatever that red pile of bloody something was next to the foal. The mess which was sort of -- attached. Rainbow didn't want to look at that for too long.
So she looked at the foal, as the mother wept with joy. And the newborn was mucky and a little too wet and just starting to blink in the sunlight for the first time, their very first moments under Sun and the foal was absolutely beautiful.
She thought about having a foal of her own just then. In some ways, the idea was truly occurring for the first time.
Rainbow checked the flanks again. Then she remembered that there were more limbs to consider. Plus some ponies sort of wound up stuck using them all the time, so they were potentially important.
She looked over newborn legs, starting at hips and shoulders. Her gaze moved down...
And then she was moving. Rather quickly, because Bearers weren't supposed to scream in the presence of horror and therefore, she had to be out of everypony's hearing range before anything emerged. There was definitely something rising in her throat and it was probably going to be a scream.
She was wrong.
All things considered, Rainbow felt herself to have had a decent breakfast. Quality fruits. Some fresh bread. Nutritionally balanced. So not having it taste just as good on the way back out was clearly due to something the food had done.
None of it was her fault.
In the ideal scenario, Ponyville's library was supposed to be a fairly silent place. There would be pages turning, hooves carefully shuffling their way down the aisles, and a soft sliding noise as covers interacted with shelf wood. That was it.
In reality, Twilight usually had to deal with patrons who thought the best way to make a request was at the top of their lungs, the somewhat less soft sliding noise produced by a entire shelving unit which was somehow being tipped over, the near-constant scritch of claws on hardwood which represented Spike moving about -- and now there was a repeated banging sound coming from the vicinity of the balcony. Something rhythmic, hard, and... desperate.
Twilight felt it sort of sounded like a pony head being repeatedly slammed into glass, and then dismissed the thought because nopony would be dumb enough to do that.
The small unicorn looked up from her desk.
"Spike?"
"Yeah?" emerged from somewhere in the vicinity of Periodicals.
"I don't have a good angle," Twilight admitted. "Can you see what's going on at the balcony?"
The little dragon presumably looked.
"Rainbow's up there."
Several experienced patrons immediately launched a collective path towards the exit.
Twilight sighed, then began to get up from her bench. "How bad does she look?" There were a lot of sounds you had to get used to if you were going to run Ponyville's library, and 'balcony has once again been treated as an emergency post-stunt crash landing zone' was pretty high on the list. But the noises produced usually weren't this... repetitive. "Anything moving? Twitching?" Experience made her pause. "And is anypony else coming in behind her with an accusation or a court summons?"
"She's hovering," Spike reported.
"...oh."
"And hitting her head into the door," he further understated. "Like she's trying to knock with her skull --"
That got Twilight all the way up: off the bench, through the aisles, racing up the ramp...
Rainbow was on the other side of what was threatening to become cracked glass. The fur on her forehead was noticeably flattened, her wings were maintaining the hover at the speed of dread, and all four legs were just sort of -- dangling there. Completely limp, as if all muscle tension had recently been lost.
The forehooves seemed to be oddly scraped. It would take Twilight a few crucial post-soon-to-come-book seconds to recognize them as bite marks.
"About time!" Rainbow yelped. "You've gotta let me in! We need to check something right now! Because either this is an emergency, something where monsters can just come sliding out into the street and all the dumb medic does is smile and tell the mother that everything looks normal --"
Twilight blinked. This helped nothing. However, doing it a few more times was still necessary. Strictly speaking, you didn't want to reach a conclusion on one experiment. "Rainbow, what --"
Sweat was beginning to rain down from frantic feathers. "-- or there's something in biology class which my stupid teacher would have woken me up for if she'd just cared --"
Helpless staring probably constituted some kind of control group. "-- I don't understand --"
"-- and legs!" the pegasus ranted. "Maybe legs are a conspiracy! They stick you with legs before you're born because you're supposed to use them for some stupid reason, but I don't have to! Not when I know what goes on the end! I can just keep flapping for the rest of my life so the monsters don't get any use and --"
She paused. Magenta eyes performed the subtle half-roll of what was either deep thought or mild concussion.
Rather contemplatively, "Twilight?"
"...Rainbow?"
"Just in theory. If a pony could hover or levitate forever -- they wouldn't actually need hooves at all, right?"
The blinking experiment was permanently rejected for proven lack of assistance.
"So I've got a possible solution," Rainbow immediately decided. "To save the foal, if a monster latched on and it's as bad as it's ever going to be. Obviously, that has to be after we find out how long amputation recovery takes --"
"RAINBOW!"
The pegasus blinked. Twilight would have normally considered that as a waste of time, but she hadn't written up the paper yet and therefore Rainbow didn't need the usual host of excuses for not having read it.
"...yeah?"
"What happened?"
They were making their way through what was now a rather empty sort of library. Having most of the Bearers in a visible panic tended to clear out the aisles, as the majority of ponies had some concerns about becoming part of the Why. It was down to Rainbow, Twilight, and Spike. The little dragon was trailing about three body lengths behind.
Rainbow was staying above the shelves. There really wasn't enough room between units to allow for an active wingspan, and she completely refused to land. Every so often, she would risk bringing up a foreleg long enough to give it an accusing glare, followed by the sort of scrutiny which effectively daring the limb-concluding keratin to just try something.
"...and I don't remember anything specific," Twilight admitted as the trio continued to make their way towards the proper section. "But when it comes to biology classes at the Gifted School, I probably just got the same basics you did. The advanced courses were mostly for ponies who were going to try for medical magic. And what you were describing..."
The pegasus shuddered, and sweat rained down from above. Twilight decided it was a bad time to mention it.
"The foal didn't have hooves," Rainbow declared. "Not normal ones."
"But if Redheart said everything looked normal, then maybe you just --"
"Tentacles."
The small mare tried not to sigh. Somewhere behind her, the sounds of claws on wood briefly hitched.
"Who's got the best eyesight in the group?" Rainbow insisted. "It didn't have normal hooves. There was a little keratin towards the very top, right up against the pastern. But everything under that was tentacles. Short ones. Rubbery..." This time, some of the smaller drops made it all the way to New Releases. "They weren't wriggling, though. Maybe they just thought it wasn't the right time to attack --"
"It could be a minor birth defect," Twilight argued. "Something the hospital can take care of in a day. Or just a lot of -- muck -- around heavy birth fetlock fur --"
"Best. Eyesight," Rainbow firmly stated. "Tentacles."
"We'll find out," the little unicorn assured her friend. "Before we try doing anything else." Because going up to a new mother to suggest a quadruple amputation somehow felt like a bad idea. "So here we are..." A purple gaze carefully moved across the proper shelf.
"What's taking so long?" the pegasus demanded. "Every second we stall is one more where it could take over!"
"I've never really looked at this section," Twilight admitted. "It's just sort of -- here. It kind of anchors the sciences. I don't even really shuffle it during reshelving -- oh, here we are." Her horn ignited, and one thick volume slid forth. "What To Expect When You're Gravid, Fifth Edition. Now With Color Photography --"
Narrow shoulders locked. The slim back took on the weight and burden of Purest Offense, then decided to keep carrying it.
"What's wrong?" Rainbow quickly asked. "I can't see past your snout. And the glow's kind of bright --"
"-- there's a restriction sticker on the cover!" Twilight huffed. "I've never seen one like this before! This book may only be read by a pregnant mare. Physician's verification required!" Thin forelegs briefly reared their owner up with the propulsion of irritation: the resulting mini-slam didn't quite have the desired effect. "Somepony is trying to tell me that I can't read something in Biology without being gravid?"
"Twilight," came in hesitant reptilian tones. "If there's a warning sticker, then maybe you shouldn't --"
"I am the librarian around here," the unicorn declared. "And this is my library! If I want to read a book...!"
The sounds produced by walking claws carefully moving in reverse were mostly lost in the noise produced by a furious corona wrenching a back cover open.
"Index," Twilight decided. "We're starting with the index. Some of this should be about what to expect from the foal. Hooves..." Pages turned. "Hooves. Regular trimming, maintenance... no, I don't need anything about edema swelling -- oh, here it is! Foal hooves. Page 388..."
Wings flapped. The claws hesitated. And Twilight smiled.
"Can you see the text, Rainbow?" the fast-relaxing unicorn asked. "Because it's all right here, in plain text. The answer to everything."
"Still too bright," the pegasus admitted. "What does it say?"
"That it's normal," Twilight smiled. "What you saw was normal."
The wingbeats slowed. Just a little.
"...normal," emerged on faint currents of hope.
"It says that foal hooves fully form in the womb," Twilight told her. "Which includes hardening, because a foal can be up and walking inside a minute and the hooves have to be ready for it. But that means you've got something as hard as a hoof inside your body."
Both mares briefly shuddered. The dragon didn't move.
"And that's a risk. So just like unicorn foals get these little caps on the forehead, to smooth everything out -- well, I knew that..." Twilight read on. "Everypony gets -- 'deciduous hoof capsules'."
"Plants?" Rainbow quickly asked.
"I think that just means -- yes, it says 'deciduous' is there because they fall off quickly. Within a few minutes, or even a few steps. They have some other names, though. And they give the hooves a soft outer surface. Something which can't hurt the mother. That's what you saw, Rainbow. Four hoof capsules."
"Normal," the pegasus slowly exhaled. "Yeah. Normal. I just slept through the good class stuff for once." A soft thump indicated touchdown on top of a bookcase.
"I'm not sure about that," Twilight considered. "I don't remember learning any of this... we can probably skip this footnote... See pictures on following pages. So those would be sample images, and at least one should match what you saw. Let's take a look --"
The edge of the page flared with red light. Nothing moved.
"-- what?" Twilight slowly asked, and thus proved that it should have been a longer word. Containing that kind of anger surge was a lot to ask of a mere four letters. "Why is there a paper fusion spell on the book? Why won't this...?"
She squinted.
"Oh, come on!"
"Twilight?" Spike quickly asked. "Twilight, take a breath and then tell me --"
"What's going on?" Rainbow overrode. "Let's see the normal already!"
"The footnote!" Twilight half-yelped. "This page may only be turned in the presence of a physician. See doctor for counterspell." This time, the propulsion of rage briefly brought all four hooves off the floor. "There's something in my library and I'm not allowed to look at it without permission?"
"Twilight," tried the young, frantic, doomed-to-fail voice of reason, "if there's a note there, it has to mean something --"
"-- in my library!" declared a buffalo-sized territorial streak.
The walking claws, working with the benefit of experience, made a break for it.
"I'm not going to put up with this!" Twilight announced as she began to turn. "Maybe I'm not a doctor, but I've got a doctorate! And when it's my library -- Spike, go to my desk and fetch me the -- Spike?"
A door slammed.
"Huh," Twilight distractedly considered. "It must be later than I thought. I did tell Spike he could go out and play after the morning sort. But I thought he'd at least stay for the reservation pickups." She shrugged. "Well, maybe I don't need the pry counterfile..."
Her corona flared. A desperate surge of red light found itself sundered, and the page turned.
There were only two mares in the library, and both were slowly swaying from side to side.
The synchronization was somewhat off. The unicorn had sat down hard, and had been steadily metronoming for two minutes. The pegasus had to accomplish the feat in the midst of a renewed hover. In a way, doing so was a rather impressive stunt.
One had just barely managed to levitate a wastebasket in front of her mouth: this had been followed by flinging the now-full result out the nearest window. The other had been down to dry heaves.
The book was lying on the floor. Face-down. A position which should have made it easier to pretend they hadn't seen anything, and did not.
"...tentacles," Twilight softly said. (It had been the first word in two minutes.)
"Yeah," Rainbow's dazed voice drifted down. "Yeah."
"Except for Photograph 24-C," the unicorn distantly added. "That was more like fungi."
"Mushrooms," Rainbow decided.
"More like those little fan things you get on some trees," Twilight considered. "And also mushrooms. From dark caves, where everything is colorless and... slimy. And those... tendrils..."
They both shuddered again.
"You said there were some other names?" Rainbow's current level of stun asked.
"Fairy fingers," Twilight's memory offered.
"What's a fairy?"
"I think it's something which steals your real hooves and replaces them with... that. And obviously it would have fingers." There was another mutual shudder. "And I saw 'horse feathers' --"
"-- that's offensive!"
"Sorry."
"Not you!" Rainbow immediately qualified. "You were just quoting something! It's whoever called them that! Looking at feathers doesn't make you sick!"
Neither said anything for a while. Both missed the sound of approaching hooves, and the distinct pattern of delicate steps. It would do no good to disrupt the hoofticure, after all.
"Every foal has them," Twilight faintly considered. "Every..."
"Every pregnant mare," Rainbow added, "has that inside them."
They both failed to stop thinking about that.
"I'm never having sex again," a hollow voice declared from above.
Twilight's brain, which was still failing to enter Purge Mode, scavenged a little energy through disengaging from her mouth. Vocal chords promptly ignored the implications of Rainbow's now-terminated sex life and went on autopilot.
"Sleep with mares. Problem solved."
There was a pause. "You remember that spell from Biology class?"
"I went to the Gifted School," automated systems pointed out. "Which spell?"
"The one which lets two mares have their own kid?"
"...yes."
"And the pregnancy is completely normal."
"Yes."
"Which means the foal is gonna have --"
Reluctantly, "Yes."
"No more sex," Rainbow's hollowed core announced. "With anypony. Or with anypony else, anyway. I can just love me some me. Especially since I can't get me pregnant."
Twilight's mouth failed to think about it, by definition.
"Sounds reasonable."
The precise hoofsteps were almost up to the entrance.
Curiously, and utterly without malice, "What about you? Never having sex again?"
A larynx gave no considerations as to what was about to emerge.
"Using 'again' in a statement," Twilight's voice neutrally stated, "would present a technical problem --"
The door opened.
"Hello!" announced an expertly-delivered accent: scant in decibels because its owner respected the library, but still somehow pitched in a way which carried throughout the tree. "Just dropping in to pick up my reservation! The new releases are ready for distribution, I trust? That pirate ship is hardly going to capture itself!"
The accent paused.
"It is... rather empty in here," the tones worriedly considered. "...hello?"
"Back here, Rarity," Twilight softly called out. "We're... back here."
Hoofsteps carefully made their way down the aisles.
"Oh, there you are!" declared a beaming (and still slightly worried) face. "Both of you --" Which was when the designer carefully looked them over. "You both seem rather... out of sorts. And Rainbow, I am not entirely certain what you're doing up there, but it cannot possibly be good for your wings..." She took a deep breath. "Did something happen? Because there is..." The white snout wrinkled. "...something of a -- scent in the air. Almost like bile. Has Spike been sick? I thought I glimpsed him heading down a side street on my way here, but... given the frequent lack of medical knowledge for dragons and what happened the last time, you generally try to treat him at home."
Twilight managed to shake her head.
"Then what is it?"
And neither could answer her.
"Were you..." Blue eyes carefully examined two sets of features, watching for reactions and in doing so, completely missed the pages-down open book on the floor. "...discussing a troublesome matter? A subject which might require its own scroll?"
"Hooves," Twilight just barely voiced. "We were talking about... newborn hooves."
All of the designer's features instantly brightened with the radiance of joy.
"Truly? Both of you have been discussing nature's most ideal creation, and that is what has you mutually upset?" The laugh was quick and bright. "Did you each decide that your own hooves suffer by comparison? But whose would not, I ask you? One cannot compare mere grooming, keratin care, and hoofticures to that possessed by a newborn foal! How can one not lose when going up against perfection?"
"Perfection," an air-wobbling Rainbow just barely echoed.
"They are so beautiful," Rarity definitively stated. (Any fine details were now being lost within the rising mist in her eyes.) "Pristine, dear ones. Never have they contacted dirt or mud or soil. Not a chip, not a scratch. The form intended by nature, brought into the world as clean, ideal, classic perfection. There is nothing quite like a foal's hoof. Something which exists to be adored. Kissed, if the parents will allow it. To show how much an appreciative mare adores true beauty."
The radiant mare paused.
"Kissed rather carefully, of course," she added. "Hooves which have never known any degree of natural wear tend to possess a few sharp surfaces. But if a mare simply exercises caution in the presence of perfection --"
"Protection," said that part of Twilight which both simply longed to educate and wasn't all that good at predicting the consequences of lessons.
Rarity briefly frowned.
"Lip guards would seem rather out of place at such times," she decided. "So however could discussion of newborn hooves ever bring the sort of mood which you two are clearly --"
"This," Twilight's Specialized Cerebellum-Hosted Cell Cluster Of Lecturing unwisely announced, "is what protects a gravid mare from the sharp surfaces of newborn hooves."
Her corona brightened and Rarity, whose attention was naturally attracted to light and color, looked down.
The book flipped over.
Having just about nopony on or above the streets pay any real attention to the chase might have said something about Ponyville -- or at the very least, about the sort of things a population could get used to. There were times when a design session went spectacularly wrong, or astonishingly right. Either way, the reaction tended to be the same. Seeing Rainbow in a visible panic was one thing -- but for all intents and purposes, having Rarity moving at full gallop while screaming at the top of her lungs was effectively normal. Most of those who bothered to take notice only did so to admire the way she never quite lost the beat to the needs of breath, and credited the feat to long, loud practice. Besides, two of her friends were in hot pursuit, so it was Somepony Else's Problem. The librarian having a book trailing in a corona bubble was largely put down to her having been reading something at the time.
A few did consider that having the exact scream coming out as "FUNGI!" was slightly unusual, but considered that it might be a new kind of stitch. And when it came to any additional visual evidence of something actually being wrong, Rarity had run out of expelled breakfast before clearing the library.
Twilight and Rainbow finally cornered her within the privacy of an alley, two blocks away from the bakery.
"FUNGI!" Rarity screamed, because there was a pegasus blocking the far end, a unicorn getting ready to drop a shield over the near, and what little audience remained was still going to hear exactly why she was upset.
"We know, Rarity," Twilight panted. "We saw it too. Rainbow was first --"
"Could have finished second for once," the pegasus muttered. "Could have spent my whole life out of that race..."
"FUNGI! Growing inside me, growing inside every gravid mare! Fungi upon a parasite which feeds off my blood and breath and body and..."
The white body swayed. Nearly went down, just before snapping upright as blue eyes went fierce and hard.
"No sex," Rarity fiercely stated. "Never."
"I know, right?" Rainbow immediately declared. "Welcome to the club! Do you need a few hints on the solo stuff?" Thoughtfully, "Actually, with the corona and all... just how many things can you get going with --"
"Rainbow!" Twilight frantically interrupted. "Not now!"
"Vengeance," whispered Rarity, as her eyes continued to brighten. "Vengeance first. And then celibacy. I suppose the celibacy technically starts at the same time, but vengeance should be as good as a climax --"
"Vengeance?" Rainbow asked. "On who? Because it's not the foal's fault."
"Upon education itself," the designer stated. "And those who have neglected certain crucial pieces of information. Oh, I had time to reflect, dear ones -- and it is not vengeance upon either of you, for I still prefer to have learned the truth. A truth which, in reviewing every class I ever took, is found to be absent. None of my teachers discussed this. Not a one. I would have remembered." The white body shuddered, and sweat flew in all directions. "Remembered, and spent a lifetime in trying to forget. Why was I not taught?"
Both friends paused.
"I thought I just slept through it," Rainbow said.
"It should have been in the basics," Twilight decided. "That covered pregnancy. Why not this?"
"So that would make three of us," Rarity angrily noted. "All mares who attended different schools, which seems to narrow down the possibility of it being a regional lacking. Although we should take some pains to confirm --"
"-- hello?" asked a bright, friendly, and rather worried voice from behind Twilight's tail.
The little unicorn turned. Everypony else focused.
The earth pony didn't bounce her way towards them. She couldn't, because pronking would have disturbed the laden dish which had been carefully balanced in the small of her back. Instead, she approached slowly and carefully, maintaining the concerned smile as the warm scents of fresh cooking wafted into the alley.
"My Pinkie Sense went off," the baker told them. "It said some of my friends were really really upset. Maybe even really really. And I sort of knew where you would all be. After I heard the echos and tracked them. But you're all upset, I can see how upset you are, and... I told the Cakes something was wrong, I had to reach you, and I..."
The bright body took a slow breath.
"I thought it might help if we all ate something while we talked," she said. "About the upset, and how to make it go away. So I brought something with me. Who likes mushroom pie? I gathered the white fungi myself. Last night, from this one really nice cave --" Her head tilted slightly to the left. "-- are you all allergic? Because everypony looks sick -- Twilight, why are you floating a book towards me?" Thoughtfully, "Is it about mushrooms?"
To some degree, the limit to what an active unicorn corona could do was the imagination of the mare. Twilight was exponentially stronger than Rarity -- but it had been the designer who'd acted first.
A corona could do a lot. But you had to think of it.
"Thank you," constituted Pinkie's first comprehensible words.
"You are quite welcome," Rarity said.
"You can stop holding back my mane now."
The soft blue light winked out, and curls bounced forward again. Pinkie slowly stepped away from the new puddle, and then moved around the corpse of the fallen pie.
"That's horrible," the baker said. "Horrible. If it wasn't for nightmares and eternal darkness and changeling queens who need about twenty years of therapy, it would be the worst thing ever." Her tail was beginning to shake. "Except that none of those things are going to be growing inside my body..."
"Pinkie," Twilight quickly tried, "think hard. I know you would remember. Did anypony ever teach you about this?"
"You! Just now!" Pinkie proclaimed. "All of the little fun times, all of the special parties I've had with ponies, and... that's what it can lead to?"
"Um," said Twilight, because that felt like the only option available.
"Special parties?" demanded a still-hovering Rainbow, because she was occasionally slightly slower on the uptake. "Why wasn't I invited to any of them?"
"Dear one," Rarity carefully attempted, because she made commissioned pieces for very special and private parties indeed, and so needed to change the subject before anypony got around to that part, "this is perhaps not the time --"
"-- but I've always been careful! The right herbs, the right timing!" Pinkie desperately went on. "That's all it takes, right? I just have to keep being careful! And as long as I know what I'm doing, watch the calendar and my greens and certain positions, I'm never ever ever going to actually be preg --"
The baker's right ear twitched.
The left hind leg raised and dropped again. Eleven times, and then paused halfway through the last. One full movement for each required moon of time.
And the tail whipped down and forward, with the base tucked between the mare's legs and the mass of curls plastered against her underside. Something which, in the right light, looked very much like a gravid belly.
Pinkie began to scream.
It took some time before they could get her calmed down. Rarity's attempts to congratulate her several years in advance didn't exactly help, and the attempts to offer future foal bunting services just made things that much louder.
However, the sheer amount of noise did produce another result. Because for Rarity to scream was very much an everyday thing. The incidence of occurrence tended to be lower among the others, and a mare who'd left her brother in charge of the market cart before wandering off to find some lunch had picked up on distant notes. The decision to see what all the fuss was about had been immediate.
They had to give Applejack credit. She'd held out all the way to Color Close-Up Photo 32-R.
"So Ah've got a plan here," the farmer announced: this was followed by spitting one more time, just to make sure. "If'fin nopony else came up with somethin' jus' yet."
"I'll take anything," Twilight grimly said. "Especially since you didn't know about it either."
"We were in the same class," Rarity pointed out. "At least for what I attended prior to boarding school." Thoughtfully, "Although actual sex education would have been after I left, correct?"
"Yeah," Applejack admitted. "So call that five schools, five really suspicious silences. An' what Ah wanna do first here is complete the set, 'cause Ah know 'Shy was in a different system. If she didn't get the straight stuff, then it's gonna start feelin' like a conspiracy. An' Ah usually don't want t' go down that road, but... five's already too many." Orange features hardened. "Especially when Redheart told y'all t' clear out, Rainbow. Got everypony out of the area, like there was somethin' she didn't want 'em t' see."
Rainbow's eyes went wide.
"Yeah! Why would she do that?"
"The book says it's normal biology," Twilight slowly noted. "Every foal, every time. But if it's normal, then why doesn't anypony teach it? Why was there a spell lock blocking the pictures?"
"Exactly," Applejack agreed: the accompanying hard nod nearly shifted the hat. "Feels kinda suspicious, don't it? So we're gonna find 'Shy. An' we probably don't need t' head out towards the cottage, 'cause Ah saw her shoppin' earlier. Pretty sure she's still in town. Jus' gotta find her." And sighed. "Ain't quite sure what t' say. Ah know Ah can't tell Mac that the farm ain't gonna get a next generation. Not the usual way." Mournfully, "Maybe Ah can adopt."
"Find her," Pinkie carefully offered, "and get her away from everypony else before we tell her. Make sure she's in a safe place, and she knows we're all with her." The group looked at her, and the baker slowly shook her head. "I know how I reacted. I saw Applejack, and you all told me about what happened before that. This is Fluttershy. If she panics..."
"Right," Twilight grimly said. "One more piece of confirmation. And then maybe we need to head for a school. Or straight to Canterlot, because there's a education committee in the Day Court. And if anypony would be in a position to hold this back..."
"Possibly a doctor's office," Rarity added. "To see what else has a spell lock hiding it away?"
"Yeah," the librarian agreed. "But in Canterlot. They won't be as ready for us."
"Do spell locks get fried by lightning?" Rainbow checked. "Asking for me."
The group moved.
"Hey, Rainbow?" casually drifted out from under the hat's brim as the procession wandered through the streets.
"What?"
"Ah was jus' thinking. 'bout them hoof capsules."
"For Sun's sake, Applejack," the flying pegasus muttered. "I'd kind of like to eat today. And at some point tomorrow. And for the rest of my life..."
"Well," the earth pony went on, "the book said they drop off real fast. An' they form around hooves which ain't been used."
"So?"
"Kinda been wonderin'," Applejack mercilessly continued, "if they could come back. Body could just decide to grow 'em all over again. But only, y'know, if the conditions are right. Like, say, if you've got a mare who ain't usin' her hooves much at all. Who just flies around an' hovers almost all the time, until her legs almost don't know what they're for..."
There was a thump.
"You did that on purpose."
Innocently, "Y'think so?"
"To gross me out. Make me think they could be on my hooves again."
"Y'say so?"
"You're playing mind games," Rainbow's low-altitude voice decided. "As a joke. When you know how bad it is, and you're making jokes..."
"You landed."
"I didn't say it didn't work," the pegasus muttered, unsteadily trotting along. "Hope you weren't planning on having me spot Fluttershy from the air."
They found her near the edge of the market, saddlebags full to the point of bulging.
They gently led her away from everypony else, asking for her trust until they reached the privacy granted by the nearest park. A willow grove awaited the group there. Something calm, safe, and with a considerable degree of visual shielding.
They made sure she was resting low in the grass. Peaceful. Content. Secure. And not quite ready to be told why Twilight's corona had been towing an empty bucket for ten minutes.
They told her. They showed her.
The single visible blue-green eye blinked at them.
"...so?" Fluttershy softly asked, as her wings and tail rested in a posture of perfect peace. And that was all.
They stared at her.
"So?" Twilight disbelievingly repeated. "So?"
"...so what?" Fluttershy gently expounded on the point. "Nopony told me this in school, if that's what you need. But... so what? We're animals, Twilight. Every creature is, sapient or not. So there's hoof capsules. So what? That's not even the weirdest thing to come from a birth. Or during one. All hoof capsules mean is that the mother doesn't get hurt."
"Every last pony here got sick," Rainbow slowly began, "and you're just going to lie there and say it isn't gross --"
The resting pony's decibels slowly began to rise into what Twilight instantly recognized as the cadence of Lecture.
"...have you ever seen a short-eared elephant shrew? Don't let the name trick you: they're very small. Forty-three drams. And they can give birth to twins. They're eleven drams each." Peacefully, "Can you imagine carrying babies who add up to more than half your body weight? What that labor would feel like?"
Five mares began to pale beneath their fur.
"...kiwis are just about as bad for egg mass," Fluttershy casually added. "But if you want to talk about pain... what about prehensile-tailed porcupines? Or tenrecs? Because they both have full quills and spines -- it's quills for the porcupines: the tenrecs never shed anything -- at birth!"
A quintet of stomachs started to rumble.
"...but the quills and spines stay soft until they get exposed to air," the caretaker mentioned.
Rarity slowly exhaled.
"That," the designer decided, "is a genuine relief. I was this close to empathy pains --"
"-- which doesn't mean much if there's a breech delivery," Fluttershy calmly lectured. "Because a newborn coming out backwards, even with soft barbs..." Happily, with the joy which came when she spoke from the heart of her talent, "But we're really talking about weird births, right? Let me think... oh, right! The Surinam toad!"
"Toads," Applejack declared in a last-ditch attempt to save her sanity, "lay eggs. How is that gonna be --"
"-- oh, they do," Fluttershy assured her. "It's still eggs. But it's how they're carried."
"How they're..." Pinkie and Twilight simultaneously mistaked.
"...the boy frog stays with the girl while she lays the eggs," Fluttershy educated. "Then he picks them up. Very carefully. It really looks like an act of love, when you see how gentle he is. Even when you know it's just survival. Anyway, he puts the eggs on her back, one at a time. And then -- this is the amazing part! -- the mother grows a second skin! It covers the eggs and makes sure they stay with her wherever she goes! Incubating them, and keeping them safe! And after the tadpoles come out of the eggs, they just break through her skin and where's everypony going?"
Eventually, they all came back. After the dry heaves stopped.
"That one," Rainbow decided as she glared at the latest guilty party, "was your fault."
Fluttershy had the complete lack of grace to shrug.
"...it's just nature," the caretaker said. "This is the sort of thing they should really teach in schools."
"On that," Rarity groaned, "we can agree. At least when it comes to hoof capsules."
In tones of utter offense, "...and then nopony would have silly reactions to learning about basic facts."
Nopony said anything for a while.
"...what a bunch of scaredy-ponies," Fluttershy expertly pronounced, and left it at that.
Rarity pushed back six reactions and held two more in reserve for Nightmare Night.
"Will you at least come with us to the train station?" the designer asked. "I believe it is time to start out for Canterlot. While the Day Court is still in session, and we can possess some hopes of intercepting somepony on the appropriate committee."
"Oh, they'll be in session," Twilight darkly declared.
"I am fairly certain that with their standard hours, we would need to leave --"
"-- I'll go to the palace and ask the Princess to call a session if I have to," the angry student announced. "It's that important. Fluttershy, are you coming or not?"
"...yes. All the way to Canterlot." The yellow form began to stand. "...but I can't stay the whole time. I'll need to go back in time for the evening feedings. And I usually wouldn't stay away that long, but proper education is important."
"Agreed," said five mares, in principle, varying accents, and with slightly-wandering vocabulary. Twilight finished with "Let's go."
They didn't clear the park.
"I hear them!" a youthful voice called out in open relief. "They're coming towards the west exit!"
Twilight froze.
"Good," said a rather collected mare (and this time, Rainbow's legs locked). "Then there's still a chance to get this settled..."
The Bearers, collectively realizing they were on the verge of being intercepted and blocked, began to look for a way out. Six mares started to move, did so in six directions, stopped, tried to regroup, frantically consulted via silent gazes, and didn't manage to reach a consensus before Spike came around the bend.
He took a few extra steps forward, carefully watching Twilight the whole time. It created just enough space for Redheart to stand behind him.
The medic looked at every mare in turn. Light blue eyes searched for the clues which would lead to a diagnosis, and quickly reached the five-out-of-six appropriate conclusion.
"Temporary insanity," Redheart wearily said. "As usual."
Twilight did her best to ignore that. Besides, there were six of them. She was certain that the group could take Redheart. Something which was justified, because any conspiracy to withhold the information had to be grounded in the medical professions.
"Spike," she carefully began, "come over here. Stand next to me." It was best to get him out of the charge path immediately.
"No," the little dragon told her.
"Spike --"
"I knew I couldn't stop you from reading a book," her sibling said. "So I found somepony who could explain it. We've been tracking you for over an hour."
"And now," Redheart softly added, "I am going to explain."
"Fine," Twilight lied. "Let's hear the excuse for keeping this from us. From what has to be every. last. mare --"
"An' make it a good one," Applejack chimed in. "The excuse of your life. 'cause Ah'll be listenin' for lies."
"I don't think I can eat mushrooms again," Pinkie sadly stated. "Ever. Also, I'm going to have a foal. Not now. Sometime. I'm not sure how to deal with that."
"For my own part," Rarity half-hissed, "I believe personal maternity wear is now locked out of the stable. Why, Gale Redheart? Why were we not told?"
"Why didn't you want to let me see?" Rainbow demanded. "Was it because you knew that if somepony who had the courage to go into a library spotted it, and then found somepony who was talented enough to beat that stupid spell when probably nopony else could have done it that fast --"
" -- thank you, Rainbow!"
"S'alright, Twilight." And went right back to glaring at Redheart. "Why?"
Fluttershy sighed.
"...they're very silly," she decided. "And scared. Ponies do silly things when they're scared. But not teaching it --"
"-- it's not taught," Redheart tightly cut her off, "because the timing isn't right."
Everypony stared at her.
"And what is the right timing?" Twilight demanded. "When it's too late to tell us about what's supposed to be normal --"
"-- that having tentacles and fungi growing in your body is meant to be normal --" kicked in the designer, because rupophobia was going to get a word in somewhere.
"-- how many of you decided on a life of celibacy today?" the nurse interrupted.
All Bearer speech stopped. Spike awkwardly shuffled his walking claws.
"Don't even answer," Redheart decided. "I'll take a show of blushes -- one, two -- okay, five. Better than usual. Because it's been generations of trying to teach fillies about this, or stalling until they become mares and then trying for it. And it's just about always the same reaction. They spend a few days freaking out. Deciding it's gross. Most of them vomit, and I can smell the bile on your breath from here. They spread the panic, they decide they're never giving birth or having sex at all, when they don't understand how strange nature is. How it's evolved to be strange, because strange is what works!"
"...I know!" Fluttershy declared with open relief. "I didn't even get to tell them about the species which eat their own placentas!"
Five mares swallowed. Hard.
"...did you see the placenta, Rainbow?" Fluttershy eagerly asked. "It would have been this bloody --"
"Fluttershy," the weather coordinator completely failed to beg (and that was the story she was sticking with), "stop..."
"...but eating it is normal! For just about every species," the caretaker excitedly added. "Ponies are three of the only ones who don't. Isn't that strange? But nearly everyone tries to eat it. Even the herbivorous species. Cattle and sheep will try, even if they never have meat again in their whole lives. Because some biologists think it contains natural painkillers. And nutrients which help them recover after giving birth. Plus they don't want predators to scent the blood. So they'll just try to chew and swallow the whole bloody --"
Five mares collectively discovered that they'd run out of bile.
Redheart patiently waited until the retching stopped. Spike took shelter behind her tail.
"Hoof capsules evolved for the same reason unicorn foals have caps over the horn," the medic finally said. "They save lives. And when a mare is gravid... when her system is flooded with hormones.... that's when she can look at those pictures, and decide it's something she can deal with. Because a pregnant mare will do anything for her foal. And in terms of 'anything', not being a little grossed out by a coating of tissue which falls away within a few hoofsteps is nothing. A pregnant mare accepts that. Mares who've been pregnant at least once -- they know they can manage again. Just about everypony else? Acts like you. Five of you. Some of them never snap out of it, enough that it would make a dent in future generations, and the education committee in the Day Court knows that. So we do it this way. And if you can figure out a way to teach this where that doesn't happen?"
Exhausted shoulders slumped. The weary nurse regarded the ground for a few seconds.
"Let me know," Redheart finished. "Please. Because there's always somepony who breaks the spell lock. And, speaking for every doctor and nurse on the continent... we're tired of your horse apple smear. Twilight, you left the library open. Rarity is missing sales. Applejack is due back at the cart, I know Fluttershy has feedings to worry about, Rainbow should be napping somewhere, and Pinkie? This is why I kept you away from the delivery when the twins were born. And congratulations on your foal. Whenever it comes. If 'wherever' is here, I'll see you in the birthing room. And I'll do my best. For you and your child." The older mare slowly shook her head. "All of you. Go home."
They didn't. They trotted together for a while, because they could keep each other company before having to disperse. Besides, the embarrassment seemed to be a little lessened when it was shared. Twilight was wondering if that was a subject for a future scroll.
"Sorry," Spike sighed from his place on her right. "I saw you starting on the book, and I thought..."
"Don't be," Twilight gently said. "It would have been a lot worse if you hadn't gone to get her. We'd probably be hearing this from the Princess. After wrecking most of the Day Court." Something which would have quite literally gone on the record.
"Weird way t' run a race," Applejack considered. "But Ah guess it keeps new entrants comin' in."
The little dragon shrugged.
"You've got it easy," he decided.
"Me in particular?" the farmer asked. "Gotta disagree. Because Ah figure this'll turn out t' be the one time when Apple Bloom jus' has t' read the whole book --"
"-- ponies," Spike clarified. "It's complicated for dragons."
Six mares stared at him. He shrugged again.
"I asked the Princess about it three years ago," he told them in the calm tones of a sibling who had realized that his sister was never going to give him The Talk. "How it works. And she told me."
"It works through laying eggs," Rarity immediately said -- then hesitated. "Spike, I recognize that in some ways, you have -- surprising maturity -- but I still feel that you are too young to have learned the details of what produces the egg..."
"But that's what she told me about!" the youth happily declared. "How eggs are made! It's special! And really complicated!"
Twilight took a breath.
"Just how the eggs are made?" she asked. "The egg itself, internally? Not how they're... fertilized?"
Spike nodded.
The little unicorn thought about the fresh gap in her education. And then she mistaked.
"So how does that happen?"
"-- and then her body has to secrete the metal into the shell. To make it fireproof! All of that winds up on the interior, by the way. That's part of why dragon eggs can look sort of normal and still be so hard to break. Because you know how pony foals can kick a little, before they're born? Sometimes hatchlings breathe fire. In the shell. ...wow. I was just thinking about that. Foals kicking inside your body. Hoof capsules are a really great idea!"
"...I agree, Spike. Please keep talking. This is so fascinating..."
"Okay, Fluttershy! So there's a special organ to secrete the metal, right? But it's not just trace amounts. It's a whole coating. Which means the body has to be hot enough to keep the metal liquid. And it has to stay that hot while the dragoness eats the metal, has it get down to the foundry -- that's what the organ is called -- and she doesn't use up all of it, ever. So she stays in the caldera for that part. She's even in the lava when she excretes whatever she didn't use, because otherwise..." He laughed, because he was a young boy and few things were funnier. "Clunk! But some of the metal winds up on the outside of the shell, because it isn't perfect. Well... it's on the outside until she actually lays the egg. Then all the little ridges and spines and points just sort of break off along the way --"
Perhaps there was truly a power to be found in collective, quintupled silent prayers, for he eventually finished.
"-- and it all starts from one egg cell!" Spike happily said. "Isn't that amazing!"
"...yes," Fluttershy smiled. "Thank you, Spike."
The little dragon looked up at Twilight.
"Can I go play? I sort of missed a game while I was --"
"-- go," Twilight weakly said. "Please go."
He beamed. And then he was running towards the playgrounds.
The group watched, waiting until he was fully out of sight.
"He gets that from you," Rainbow decided.
"What?" Twilight asked.
"The lecturing. It's inherited."
"We aren't the same species --"
"-- inherited," Rainbow firmly concluded, and left it at that.
Five mares shuffled along. The sixth had the air of somepony who was considering writing a paper.
"...is Spike old enough to cosign an article?"
"Fluttershy?"
"...never mind," the caretaker decided. "Somepony's probably published already." And giggled. "But that was still amazing to hear, wasn't it? Nature can do so much!"
Nopony said anything.
"...and," Fluttershy casually added, "somepony here really needed to hear all of that..."
"Fluttershy?"
"...Rarity?"
"Why are you looking at me?"
"...well, we all know he has a crush, doesn't he? So if he grows up and still feels that way -- and you ever decide that maybe, you know, if you didn't find anypony by then and maybe you're ready to consider a grown-up dragon, then... you know about some of what's involved!"
The beautiful face smiled.
"...all from a single egg cell," Fluttershy marveled. "And mares have ovaries, so we have egg cells!"
There was a certain acceleration of sound. Fluttershy didn't initially notice.
"...not that it works that way," the caretaker added. "Since we're different species. And I was just teasing anyway. But still, when you think about what any egg cell can do -- Rarity? Did anypony see where Rarity --"
The gynecologist heard the hoof carefully knock on her office door, and went to answer it.
"...hello," a very pretty yellow pegasus shyly said. "My friend is in your waiting room. She doesn't know that I came in through the side entrance, because she's still talking to your receptionist. You can probably hear her now that the door's open."
" -- and if I wish to pay for having every last one of those reproductive organs removed --"
"...would you please come out before she finishes?" the pegasus asked. "Because she's really being a very silly scaredy-pony, and somepony needs to talk her out of it." She shook her head. "Making tentacles and fungi in your body is fine. Even when the foal is really the one who's doing that. But can you imagine how amazing it would be to be a dragon, or lay a dragon's egg, and have vaginal muscles which can shear off metal -- oh. You fainted." Fluttershy sighed. "...fine. I'll do it myself..."
