There's a pony in my pizza
Peppino cautiously walked across the town, as every slow step he took just fed his anxiousness. This place was awfully quiet to be the last line of defense of the Tower. Since he was threatened by Pizzaface, and entered this Tower to stop him, every step was filled with cheese and pizza ingredients trying to beat him up and stop him from destroying the Tower. He could only shudder at what probably awaited him as he walked towards where he expected to be the pillar holding this place together: The giant crystal tree in the middle of this medieval town.
The town was too eerily empty. He did not see any cheese, pizza ingredients, or any goblins. Or no other creatures for that matter. It was just him, the sound of his steps, the sound of his heavy breathing, the sound of his heart beating in expectation, the sound-
Well, it was just all of the sounds he usually made and nothing else. He really shouldn’t have split up with Gustavo.
“Anybody there!?” A voice cried out as it fastly approached him. He only managed to let out a terrified scream before being hit full force by a blue projectile, both of them being sent flying in different directions “Yeowch!” The cyan horse that just hit him shouted as she rubbed her head. “Hey, are you okay?”
The cyan horse looked up and froze as soon as he saw him. “W-wait, you ain’t a pony!” She quickly stood on her hindlegs and adopted a boxing position. “C’mon, what did you do with my friends!?”
Peppino did not try to understand what this horse was doing here or why he hit him - he just got back on his feet and ran away. “Hey wait!” The horse got back on her four legs and took off after him.
It was a few moments of running before he spotted a pink dot in the distance. As he got closer, he noticed it was another colored horse, and it looked like it wouldn’t move from where it was standing. Peppino was determined, either it moves itself or he moves it himself!
But the horse noticed him running directly at her, and instead of moving out of the way, it materialized something out of her hair, something cylindrical with a… fire? a fuse? Wait, was that a live cannon!?
Peppino screamed in a panic as his feet scrambled to change his direction in vain. And as he got to point blank range, it went off, shooting confetti, and causing Peppino to trip at the pink horse’s hooves. “Hey there!” She said with a smile, as Peppino looked up in utter despair.
The cyan horse catched up with him in an instant, and got on top of him, grabbing him by all of his extremities. “Careful, Pinkie, He’s-!” She deterred her view from Peppino to the pink horse called Pinkie. “Wait, Pinkie?”
“That 's me!” Pinkie agreed.
The cyan horse looked confused. “W-where is everypony?”
“Around you, silly!” Pinkie answered with a smile.
The cyan horse looked around, and indeed, this part of the town was bursting with ponies. “...Why is everypony here?”
“Um, well…” Pinkie took a few seconds to answer. “...Because it’s cheese day?”
“Cheese day!?” The other horse gleamed. “Seriously!? I thought it was next month!”
“Then you were wrong, Dashie!” Pinkie nodded shakily.
“Awesome!” ‘Dashie’ looked around, only to notice that there was no cheese in sight at all. “Uh, Where is the cheese?”
“Um-”
“Let me-a go, you talking horse!” Peppino, still being pinned down by Dashie, struggled.
Dash looked down at Peppino. “Oh yeah, sorry.” She let go of him, landing nearby. “Guess you didn’t do anything. Who are you anyways?”
Peppino got up, distressed. “Who are YOU!? I seen a lot-a in this deranged tower, but colored horses it's too much for it!”
Pinkie looked at Dash, raising an eyebrow. “Um… I don’t know where you come from mister, but we aren’t in that ‘deranged tower’ anymore, so you can calm down.” She gave a comforting smile.
Peppino considered it. He hasn’t seen anything like this in the tower. There were no toppings, no eyes that teleported him to a screwed up dimension, and no thing had tried to beat him up yet. But he still came here through that door…
Dash ignored Peppino. “Hey, Pinkie. Is Twilight here? I wanted to talk to her.”
“Nope!” Pinkie retorted. “No idea where she is! Probably very far away!” She said without waiting for a follow up.
“...Okay. I’ll go search for her then.” Dash spread her wings. “Later.” She took off and disappeared into the horizon.
Pinkie turned at Peppino. The man did not look as distressed as before, but he still looked like an emotional mess. “So, have you met my friends?” PInkie offered.
“What?” Peppino asked.
Pinkie tapped her hoof against the ground, and then four other horses appeared out of nowhere, dropping next to Pinkie. “This is Rarity!”
“Hello.”
“Flutters Hi!”
“Hi.”
“Jack’s Apple!”
“Howdy!”
“Sonic Rainboom!”
“Hey.”
“Aaaaand me, Pink Pie!” The five of them got closer. “And together, we are the Mane Six!” They struck a magnificent pose, with rainbow beams coming out of their friendship.
It was true. He wasn’t in the tower anymore; this was a worse hell. Peppino wanted to go back to the tower. Oh god please just take him back to the tower. “But… you are only five.”
“Oh, yeah! We are missing the purple one but she is out searching for something.” Pinkie clarified.
“Also…” Peppino pointed at ‘Rainboom’. “Didn’t you just-a leave?”
Rainboom looked to the sides to make sure she was the one being pointed at, and approached Pink. “Did I?” Pink nodded nervously. “Oh yeah, of course I did! But I’m so awesome I’m already back.”
He couldn’t waste more time in this place, he had a pizza to stop. That and the fact that these talking horses made him extremely uncomfortable. “Well…” Peppino took a few steps back. “That’s-a nice introduction and all, but I… left the pizza in the oven, you know? Oh silly me, I gotta go bye.” He turned around and prepared to book it.
But Pink got in front of him before he could gain any velocity, preventing him from leaving . “Oh, leaving so soon? But you haven’t told us all of your problems yet!”
What. “What… No?”
“Aww, c’mon!” Pink gleamed. “Some things are bothering you, I can tell. And I’m willing to hear!”
She did not lie. There was… a lot going on inside his mind.
Oh, what the hell. This may be the only chance in years he got someone that was willing to hear about his problems, even if that someone was these nosy, weirdo horses. He sighed. “Alright-a… where to start?”
Rainbow Dash has looked everywhere around Ponyville, and there was no trace of Twilight anywhere. Well, she lied. She looked everywhere but the Everfree. That place really gave her the chills, but Twilight had to be there. Of course, Pinkie told her that Twilight was ‘really far away’, but she really didn’t believe that. Twilight wasn’t one to leave without telling her friends.
As she flew into the forest, she wondered what Twilight could be possibly doing here. The only two reasons she could think of was that she was either visiting Zecora, something that she did very, very rarely, or she was going for the Elements. But why would she want the Elements?
She saw a purple silhouette deep into the forest, seemingly running and holding something in its magic. “Hey, Twilight!” Rainbow said as she flew towards Twilight.
Twilight looked back at the voice, squeaked, and turned back to running. Rainbow looked back too, but there was nothing behind her. Did she just get scared because of her?
Twilight seemed to make a strange turn that led her just deeper into the Everfree. Rainbow turned as well, flying straight at her. She was just a few feet away when a net suddenly appeared out of the trees, covering her and making her stop in her tracks. “Agh!”
Rainbow looked towards the trees the net appeared from, and she spotted two ponies holding the net, both of them dropping to the ground and fully wrapping Rainbow with the rest of the net. “Hey, what’s the deal!?”
They did not respond. Instead, they tied the two ends of the net to the tree. “Hey, this ain’t funny! Twilight!” She called out for Twilight, but she was already gone.
Wait. First, Twilight ran away as soon as she saw her, and then she directed her to this trap! She was trying to hide something! Dang it, Twilight! “Hey, both of you, what are you planning!?”
They did not answer. “HEY!” She screamed “ANYONE OUT THERE!?” She continued, pointlessly. She sighed as she realized that screaming wouldn’t work in the middle of the Everfree, and decided to wait this out. Twilight better have a nice explanation!
Yet, her waiting didn’t last long. At the corner of her eye, he spotted a bipedal silhouette. Was that the guy she met before? “Hey, you, help me a bit here!”
The silhouette jumped in as the ponies turned to where Dash was screaming at. They didn’t manage to turn at all before the man came in spinning, hitting one. The pony’s head caved in, revealing a yellow interior. It would normally be brutal to have a beings head get caved in, but it wasn't like that this time. It just went in in a… cheese way? Wait, was that pony made of cheese?
The other pony, distracted by the man's attack, was ambushed by a giant rat that came rolling down from the forest, hitting him and sending him barreling back into the forest and splatting cheese everywhere.
The man clapped his hands as he turned to Dash. He approached her and analyzed her. “Uh...Hi?” He looked at Dash for a few more seconds before throwing a nasty slap at her. “What the-!?”
“Hmm, so you are a true talking-a horse?” The man said as he turned to untie a knot as the giant rat bit down on the other one.
“Yes?” Dash said. “Look, man, I have no idea what’s happening.”
The man finished untying the knots, and Dash instantly pushed the net off her. “Me neither. All I can tell you is that every horse-a I met here was a cheese clone. Excluding-a you, of course.”
Dash recognized the man. “Wait, I know you! You are that guy I tackled to the ground, right?”
The man tried remembering. “No, I haven’t-a been tackled to the ground by a horse… yet. I’m-a Gustavo.”
“Well, he looked a lot like you.” Rainbow got a closer look at the man. “Actually, no, he was less chubby and a bit taller.”
“Did he have a funny mustache?” Rainbow nodded. “Then that would-a be my man Peppino. Great-a guy.”
“Well, sorry for tackling him, I guess.” She looked at her captors, the once ponies that were now melted cheese on the floor. “Do you know anything about… these things?”
“They are just-a really pissed off pizza ingredients.” Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “They will-a go away once we break-a the pillar or defeat their boss, so don’t-a worry.”
“Boss?”
“A giant flying-a pizza called Pizzaface. He’s a jerk, he told my man Peppino he would-a destroy his restaurant.” The giant rat came to sit along Gustavo as he explained. “He commands the pizza toppings, so if we deal with him the toppings should-a stop bothering.”
“...What you just told me is totally nuts.” She shrugged. “But whatever. Where do we find this pillar or this boss?”
“Well, it wasn’t-a here, so probably up-a there.” He pointed at Canterlot. “Do you know a fast way there?”
“I do. I can carry you there, actu-” Rainbow cut off as she noticed a beam of light speeding down to Canterlot. “What 's that!?”
Gustavo instantly recognized the beam of light. “Oh, that must-a be Peppino! He’s really fast!”
“Really fast.” Rainbow looked curiously. “I’mma go talk to him.” Rainbow stated as she took off.
“What about taking-a us there!?”
“In a moment!” Rainbow shouted as she flew towards the running man.
“So nobody comes to eat my pizzas!” Peppino let out. “Why be an artist when nobody appreciates the art!”
“Well, you don’t have to let your pizzas go cold anymore then!” Pine consoled. “We don’t have a pizzeria here in Ponyville, and we sure would appreciate one!”
Peppino looked at her. “What are you-a insinuating?”
“That you should move here, silly!” Pinkie said with a wide smile.
“I…” Should he? These ponies were weirdos… but he also hasn't met someone so interested in him and his pizzas! Not only that, but their words of advice did bring him some comfort in a way. “Maybe… I could-a try setting up shop here...”
Pinkie leaned towards him. “So you are going to move here?” The crowd that had formed around the venting Italian man looked expectantly at him.
“..Yes, you could-a say that.” He concluded, with a weak smile.
“WOOOO!” Pink cheered, followed by the crowd. “We did it!”
“Hell yeah!”
“Welcome!”
“I can’t wait to tell Pizzaface about this!” Jack cheered, triggering gasps from the crowd, and subsequently perplexing Jack as she realized what she just said.
Peppino froze in place. His weak smile vanished, leaving sternness in its place. He slowly turned to Jack. “What did you just-a say about-a Pizzaface?” What was HE doing here!?
Jack had a few drops of sweat running down her cheeks. “Um, nothing…” She looked at Peppino biting her lips, noticing that her answer did not suffice. “Well, I meant that I can’t wait to MEET Pizzaface!” She tried to correct, but the crowd only winced at her. “Since… he’s new here or… somethin’.”
Peppino closed in on Jack, who leaned backwards, desperately trying to make some distance. “Where.”
Jack’s lips practically disappeared. “ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ.” She pointed at a distant castle resting on a mountain.
Peppino turned directly to Canterlot. “Wait, Peppino, you don’t have to-”
But Peppino was already running towards it. Some ponies of the crowd tried to jump at him, but it was over as soon as they let him gain some velocity. It was less than a few seconds before he left Ponyville, and now he was running directly at the castle at an incredible speed.
Suddenly, a blue horse approached him, and flew alongside him. “Hey, Peppino!” The horse which he recognized as ‘Sonic Rainboom’ called at him. “How fas-”
“Don’t-a try to stop me!” Peppino screamed. “That Pizzaface guy cannot-a be trusted!”
Rainbow looked confused. “Stop you? Pizzaface? What’s going on?”
Peppino decided he wouldn’t be having this conversation. He dropped his arms to the ground while maintaining velocity, and used them to impulse him, making him reach even further velocity.
“That’s fast…”
He carefully looked back, making sure to not get derailed or to not lose much speed, and it seemed the cyan horse lost interest as it turned and went elsewhere.
He looked forward again. OH MAMMA THIS WAS TOO FAST.
The once faraway castle was now very close, and only getting closer.
It didn’t take him a lot of time to reach the castle gate. Two guards guarding the entrance just could look and scream in unyielding horror as Peppino closed in on the gate. He tried to stop, but the velocity kept him going, and he barely let out a short lived scream as he crashed through the gate, leaving a Peppino-sized hole in it.
Guess this was the bailey, and it looked quite nice, at least for the few milliseconds he got to see it as he was already three rooms into the castle. Door after door, he just kept crashing through, each door slowing him down a little bit.
It was after probably the sixth door since he entered the castle that he finally managed to come to a stop, tripping and opening a last seventh door at the end of a big hall.
He rubbed his head and looked up, seeing his mortal enemy: Pizzaface, lying on the ground immobile? What’s more, he seemed to be… open. The once flying pizza was now there, with the hatch he had for a face open and revealing a toilet inside. If Pizaface was a machine this entire time, then who was doing all of these things to him?
His question was answered once he saw the most likely operator of this machine: A man with a pizza for a head, Pizzahead if you will, sitting upstairs on a chair facing a throne, the throne occupied by a white horse with a horn and wings, and they seemed to be having a nice chat. Whatever, he would kick his ass whatever he was! No one messed with his business!
The white horse calmly turned at him. “Oh, Peppino! We-” Peppino clashed his fists together, and gave a war scream. “Whoa there, no need to get violent now!” Pizzahead just looked at him with his iconic smile.
“No need to get-a violent? This PIZZA is trying to destroy-a my restaurant!” He declared, offended.
“Oh, no no.” Celestia denied. “All that was a big misunderstanding.”
“HE LITERALLY TOLD-A ME HE WAS GOING TO SHOOT A PLASMA RAY DIRECTLY INTO MY ESTABLISHMENT!”
Celestia shook her head. “A plasma marketing ray, he meant.” Celestia corrected. “It's a new business model, so it is no surprise you haven’t heard of it. All you need to know is that hundreds of businesses stay afloat thanks to it, and soon dear, yours too will.”
Peppino’s anger deflated as realization hit him like a train. He didn’t know anything about marketing and investing, but man that plasma marketing ray was convincing. “R-Really?”
“But of course, my little Italian!” Celestia smiled. “What’s to doubt? It’s just one pizza place owner helping another.”
How could he be blinded by anger? This… Pizza tried to help him, and he, just because things weren’t going his way at the time, took it as a war declaration and wrecked up his place! He turned to Pizzahead, who was still smiling, and pressed his palms together. “If that’s-a true, I’m sorry for trying to brutalize-a you.”
“You don’t have to apologize, he understands.” Celestia got up from her throne, and trotted towards Peppino. “He expected it, and still doesn’t hold any grudges against you.” She put a hoof on Peppino’s shoulder. “Isn’t he wonderful?”
Peppino fell on his knees, tears running down his eyes. No one ever has been this kind with him! He… truly believed this kind of act didn’t exist in this wicked world… or at least in his last world. At this one, everyone appreciated him as a pizza man and wanted to actually help him!
He looked up, and… HOLY COW WAS THAT A PIZZA WHEEL COMING DOWN TOWARDS HIM.
He screamed as he jankily rolled to his side. The pizza wheel, which was enveloped by a yellow aura, crashed down and got stuck on the floor. Peppino looked up at Celestia, startled. “Whoops.”
He looked back at Pizzahead, who simply shrugged at him. Wait.
No… no no no. This world wasn’t kind. Nopony here wanted to help him out. Those ponies before, they weren’t trying to be nice to him… they were DISTRACTING him.
And that Plasma marketing ray? How did he even believe that! That was such a blatant lie! Anyone in his right mind would have guessed that was crap! But oh no, he wasn’t in his right mind, Pizzahead EXPLOITED his vulnerability!
Peppino was angry.
Peppino clenched his teeth as he looked up at ‘Celestia’. Celestia flinched at Peppino’s now reignited anger as she slowly retreated. “Pizzahead! Call them in!”
Pizzahead simply snapped his fingers. The door Peppino entered from now burst open again, but this time it was four creatures bursting into the room.
He fought them before; they were Pepperman, Vigil, that annoying Noise, and that other… thing. But before they could laugh at Peppino on how he got tricked, another six intruders flew into the room right through a window.
It was those five horses that were distracting him before, along with a purple one. Now they were wearing different jewels, and they flew with what seemed like pure energy coming out of them. Peppino’s eyes started twitching.
And then Pizzahead laughed. Oh that cursed, ear breaking laugh. Peppino put his hands over her ears in an effort to muffle it. But oh he could still hear that laugh. That annoying laugh. That… that STUPID, SICKENING LAUGH.
Peppino’s ire exploded into a scream. Everybody gathered in that room was pushed back as if a tornado just hit the room. The elements were sent back through the window, and fell down the castle. The four others were thrown back through the door and down a few rooms, and Celestia was knocked back to her throne.
Dazed, she watched through a nearby window; Thunder fell as an eclipse set in. She swore it was just sunny a while ago. She looked back at Peppino only to see the Italian man in front of her. “Wait, wai-!”
‘Princess Celestia’ did not stand a chance. Peppino threw one punch, followed by one kick, followed by a bite, followed by another punch. Relentlessly, he kept pummeling her, her form unraveling into cheese. Peppino ended with an uppercut, sending it flying through the roof, ‘Celestia’ now being nothing but melted cheese.
The Elements bursted in once again through the window, and prepared to throw an attack. Peppino's unwavering anger turned to them, and just an instant before the attack was thrown at him, Peppino's anger seemed to die out as he struck a cool pose before getting engulfed by a beam of pure friendship energy.
After the blinding energy died down, what would have normally turned any other villain into ashes did not leave any scratch on Peppino himself, who had recuperated his anger. He tried closing the gap between him and the Elements, but they threw another one at him, forcing him to stop. They repeated the same process two more times, none of the two gaining any advantage on the other.
Yet before they could throw a fourth one, another horse bursted through the window, grabbing the cyan element by the back and throwing it to the ground, breaking the harmony in the process. “No copycats on my watch!”
The Elements fell to the ground, and Peppino rushed in, grabbing the yellow one. “Hey, please--”
Peppino did not let her talk as he threw her against that weird pink horse, turning the both of them into cheese in the process. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash had managed to beat up the orange one, leaving only the purple one in the center. “You stand back!”
Peppino did not waver as he rushed at her, but ‘Twilight’ managed to hold him in place telekinetically. Rainbow Dash tried to push on her too, but somehow Twilight managed to hold her too.
But Twilight could not handle the third entity being thrown at her. A giant rat came barreling down at her, impacting her and sending her to the wall with a loud thud, knocking her out.
“Peppino!” A chubby man coming from the hall shouted at him. “Go get-a Pizzahead! Don't-a worry about the other guys, we took care of 'em!”
Peppino spared Rainbow a murderous look, before deciding she was good and turning his rage back at Pizzahead. He wasn’t blown away by Peppino’s scream, and was now just looking at him with his smile. As they crossed stares, it felt as if an immovable force had met an immobile object, as Peppino’s unwavering wrath could not defeat Pizzahead’s unending cheeriness.
Pizzahead took out his flyswatter, and slowly ran at Peppino while waving it wildly at him. Peppino couldn't care less about it as he rushed down at him with a hook, sending him flying through a window.
He dashed out the same window and started pummeling him down. Every punch generated enough friction to hold both of them in the air and to even elevate them. Next, he threw a powerful hook, sending him whirling forward.
Then, Rainbow sped directly at Pizzahead, and she hit him with her forehooves, sending him back at Peppino. Peppino got back at the gesture as he threw him back at her with a headbutt. Hit after hit, they passed Pizzahead between each other, going even more upwards for every hit dealt.
They reached the clouds when Peppino decided to end this once and for all. In his turn, instead of passing him back at Rainbow Dash, he hit Pizzahead with a sledgehammer, sending him barreling down towards the ground. Rainbow Dash quickly catched on to Peppino's idea as she prepared for her descent.
Peppino spun on the air, and got his belly out pointing at the ground, ready for the body slam of the ages. Rainbow joined in by his side, coming down at incredible speeds. They both went down fast. Really fast.
Static was getting louder. Rainbow Dash had already done this, but she never reached this speed. Meanwhile Peppino’s fear was consumed by his anger as he put every ounce of it on the fall.
Suddenly, they exploded in a rainbow light that followed them as they headed directly for Pizzahead. They hit him so hard that they caused another explosion, and now the rainbow trail was joined by a pizza trail. Peppino cried as he released all of this canned anger, and Rainbow started to doubt this attack as they rapidly approached the floor with no signs of stopping.
And then, they hit the ground.
…
…
…
“Peppino?”
….
“Peppino!”
…
“PEPPINO!” Gustavo slapped Peppino, waking him up.
Peppino screamed in a panic as he looked around, only to see his friend Gustavo. “Hey! What was that-a for!”
“We have to go!” He said as a tremor hit the ground they both were on. He looked around, noticing that he now found himself once again somewhere in the Pizza Tower.
“What?” He looked confused. “Where is the-a talking horse? Where am I?”
“She’s in her world. That beating-a you gave Pizzahead was so hard, you somehow opened a portal back here!”
“Oh.” The tower trembled again. “Alright, let’s-a go!” He said as he stood up and started running down the first staircase he found that led downwards. What had just happened? Was all that happened just real? He thought that that world was just another illusion of the tower but they had to be real, as that cyan horse was really on his side. He wondered if he maybe could go back and talk to them? Those cheeses were supposed to be imitations of them, right? So maybe… they would offer the same thing those clones offered him but without all that him dying and that.
Maybe. But for now, he had no time to think, as this Tower of Pizza was crumbling.
