Griffon Coffee

by Damaged

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Gilda, Glenda
Length: 1138

Gilda, Glenda, and Rainbow Dash have a prank planned. A really crappy prank.

Have you ever decided to do something so unimaginably horrid to someone as a prank, and when common sense tells you to stop and reevaluate your life choices—you slam your foot on the gas and dump the clutch? Ugh. Car metaphors? They don't belong in Equestria. Look, this is about three griffons, one pegasus, and a really crappy prank; gone right.

So I only had 2.5 hours sleep last night. How are you doing?

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Published 2023-04-01 05:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-01 05:30:02 UTC

Gᵢₗdₐ ₐₙd Gₗₑₙdₐ'ₛ Gᵣᵢffₒₙ Gₐₛₜᵣₒₙₒₘy cₒ.

Rainbow Dash stared at her friend. They'd been on rocky ground for a while, but as Equestria had spread the influence of friendship, so too had tired friendships been renewed. "You have got to be kidding me. Why?"

"Because," Gilda said, her beak curved into a big grin, "my cousin who works in Canterlot said he can feed those ponies anything. It'll be the best prank ever, but I need someone to help me with the deliveries. I— I kinda figured we could get the old pranking duo back together, you know?"

There weren't a lot of things that would actually get Rainbow on board with such an insane plan, but Gilda actually voicing remorse at their damaged friendship was one. "Okay. Let's say a certain pony was going to help. My name is kinda a big deal now. This won't get out, will it?"

Gilda smirked in triumph. "Miss Big Shot Wonderbolt can't have her image tarnished? Don't sweat it, Dash, all I need you to do is deliver the crate to Gustave le Grand. He's still angry at one of those upper class snobs in Canterlot and wants to teach them and their herd of groupies a lesson. That's why we have this."

"Chocolate covered coffee beans?" Rainbow reached out with her wing to pick one up, only to have Gilda step between her and the beans. "Hey!"

Now with Rainbow actively trying to evade her, Gilda let out a roar. "Stop! That's not chocolate!"

Looking at the three beans she'd barely managed to pick up before Gilda's exclamation had stopped her, Rainbow started to notice something. "Ugh, what's that smell?"

"They need to be washed. Look, Gabby was telling me about this place, Abyssinia, where they have all kinds of fancy drinks, and one of them is— Rainbow, put it down and don't lick it!" Gilda waited for her friend to do as she was told before continuing. "So, one of these drinks is coffee—"

"We have coffee in Equestria, Gilda."

"…coffee that is made from beans that—"

"All coffee comes from beans. You grind them and—Mfff!" Rainbow struggled to get her mouth out from Gilda's talon, but as a griffon she weighed nearly three times Rainbow's mass and most of that was muscle.

"Coffee that is made from beans that a civet has eaten. Apparently there's something about a cat's guts that makes them taste better or something. Gabby said it didn't taste any better and I kinda trust her, since she's drunk coffee from more places than I even know exist. So…"

Glenda, her long tail poking skywards and her midsection swollen, stepped into the backyard of the house she was sharing with Gilda. She burped. She farted. She glared at Gilda. "I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this too."

Rainbow's eyes widened and she used the awesome power of laughter to break free of Gilda's grip. "So you"—she interrupted herself with snorts and giggles every few words—"ate a whole bunch of coffee beans and now— This isn't chocolate!"

Wincing as a few of Glenda's coffee beans were loosed to the strong wind, Gilda walked over to her housemate and offered her a wing-hug. "Come on, I went through the same thing. I promise you it will be worth it. Rainbow will take a camera and Gustave will take pictures of those damn ponies drinking our—"

"That really stinks. How are you going to mask the smell?" Rainbow asked.

Leaning against Gilda, Glenda nodded. "Ever since they tried to shun my coltfriend I… Never mind that. Just make sure to get those pictures so this will all be worth it."

Glenda and Gilda were rolling around on the floor of their living room. Not normally the kind of behavior griffons partake in, but Rainbow was showing them pictures of calm ponies sipping coffee—and had the accompanying surveys they'd each filled out describing the elite Griffon Coffee they'd been served.

Clearing her throat, Rainbow showed a new picture and started reading. "Ahem. A crisp and fruity blend with nutty notes and a sweet aftertaste."

"Fruity?" Gilda asked, looking at Glenda.

"Hey, I was hungry for some actual food, and Gallus had sent me a box of blueberries. It also made them come out a bit faster." Glenda took the next card and lost all her composure. "A good, sweet brew that reminds me of home."

"Where was home, Canterlot sewers?" Gilda asked before losing herself to more hysterical laughter.

"Oh, there's this too," Rainbow said when Gilda stopped looking like she was trying to lay an egg backwards. "It's for you." She passed the letter to Gilda.

Reading it, Gilda thought for a moment she would die. She read it again. "This can't be real."

Taking the letter, Glenda read it too and started to giggle so much she tweeted. "Is he trying to prank us now?"

"Let me see that." Plucking the note from a now insensate-with-giggles Glenda, Rainbow read it. "Hope you enjoyed the prank— Blah blah blah. Wait. He wants you to send him any more you have?"

"We don't have any more! That stuff was horrid enough getting it down and—and through. We weren't going to make more than we had to." Gilda snorted, but then noticed Rainbow turning the letter over. "There's more?"

"He says here he only brewed half of it and sold the rest, bagged, to those snooty, upper-class twits." It was then that Rainbow's face lost all its mirth and she dropped the letter.

"What's it say?" Glenda asked, sobering up from her laughter at the apparent seriousness.

Plucking up the letter, Gilda started reading. "Sold all ten bags for three hundred bits a piece. He— He really wants more of it. They want more of it. He wants to make this a business."

"But we can't! It was horrible!" Glenda stared at Gilda, her mind having trouble comprehending the values involved.

"It only took us three days each to make all that. Twenty bags worth. Six thousand bits." Without meaning to, Gilda's talons tightened around the letter as if it were the opening of a sack of bits. "We can't."

"We could," Glenda said.

"We could," Gilda admitted. "It's a shitty job, but somegriff has to do it."

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