The Royal Cult

by Banjo64

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy
Length: 12815

Some ponies revere the Princesses a little too much.

When Celestia first took her crown, she quickly realized that a few ponies were a little too eager to sing her praises.

Naturally, she tried to get them to calm down.

Over a thousand years later, she's still trying.

And then the other alicorns start getting cults of their own...

This is an April Fools Day story with some actual effort put into it.

Teen sex for talk of harems, and by extension, that sex exists.

Published 2023-04-01 15:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-01 15:40:00 UTC

Chapter 1: The Royal Cult

Celestia smiled. It was an awkward smile. The sort of smile that anypony with half a brain would recognize as forced and insincere.

Which probably explained a few things about the small crowd of ponies in front of her.

“Our praise to thee, oh great Lady of the Sun, Mistress of Light, Harbinger of the Day, Slayer of Chaos…” said the lead pony.

Celestia was new to the whole Princess thing, having been crowned only a few days ago, but she was fairly certain that having a crowd of ponies rapidly bowing to her while chanting her many titles over and over again in the middle of court was not an appropriate way to give reverence to one’s ruler. Or at least, it was not one that she approved of.

“...so that we may express our adoration of thee, oh great Lady of the Sun, Mistress of Light, Harbinger of the Day…” the lead pony continued.

Celestia looked behind the bowing ponies towards the line of other petitioners. More than a few looked annoyed that these ponies had already taken half an hour of her time. And Celestia still had no idea who any of them were. It seemed they intended to simply sing her praises for hours on end.

And she was fairly certain that half the titles they were using were made up.

“...Mistress of the Eastern Sky, Ruler of the Magic Plane, Creator of the Heat of Passion…”

“HOLD THY TONGUE!” cried Celestia in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

The bowing ponies paused to look up at her.

“While thy adoration is appreciated, we must insist that thou cease assigning feats upon our own name to which we bear neither claim nor right,” said Celestia.

The head pony seemed rather confused by this.

“But art thou not the Lady of the Sun? Daughter to the Mother of us all?” he asked.

“Tis true. But though our titles and feats are many, they are not without limit. We art not divine, nor wish to be hailed as such. We ask that thou only praise us as which is our due,” said Celestia.

And because there is no way in Tartarus I’m going to be falsely recognized as the creator of the mating season. No matter how ludicrous that sounds, somepony will end up believing it, thought Celestia.

Rather than being discouraged, the head pony’s eyes were filled with even greater awe, inconceivable as that seemed.

“Thou art humble upon thy throne! Truly thou art the goddess that shall guide our nation unto an eternal joyous age! Praise to thee, Lady of the Sun!” he cried.

The rest of the small crowd started bowing and reciting her many titles once again. She even heard them make up new ones.

“Praise to the goddess of Life! Praise to the Lady of Happiness! Praise to the rightful ruler of the world!” they chanted.

Celestia simply performed what would be the first of many royal facehooves. Her mentor had warned her that some ponies would likely be a little too eager to sing her praise, but this was ridiculous.

“Dear sister, should our dignity survive this onslaught, we must request that we depart for greener pastures in the palace gardens, lest another mob come and desecrate our court,” she muttered through her hoof.

She failed to notice the jealous look Luna sent her way.

“Indeed. T’would be most undesirable if a second, nightly, band of admirers were to appear,” Luna grumbled.

When her schedule permitted it, Celestia enjoyed taking walks through her kingdom. It was a chance to escape the daily grind of her court and see how her actions affected the ponies under her care.

Most of the time.

“Oh great goddess of Life!” cried a pale mare in white robes, bowing down as Celestia passed.

Celestia held back a groan. She recognized the robes, and more importantly the behavior being demonstrated. Ponies like the one in front of her had started calling themselves the Solar Witnesses several months ago, and Celestia quite frankly did not care for their excessive devotion to her.

She just wished they weren’t so numerous and influential. Even if the rest of Equestria found them annoying, they always seemed to be able to worm their words into the minds of the common citizens to some degree.

And in this particular pony’s case, her eyes were unnaturally pale: a clear sign that she was blind. Most likely from staring at the sun for hours on end to “embrace the goddess’s true beauty” as members of that cult tended to do.

“We art not a goddess,” Celestia replied.

If the Solar Witness had heard her Princess, she gave no indication.

“Praise to the Lady of the Sun! Praise to…” she continued on.

Celestia just sighed and kept walking. Her guards did the same.

“Nay,” said Celestia.

The Solar Witnesses before her throne looked at her in disbelief.

“But oh great Lady of the Sun, we simply wish to...” started the leader.

“We reiterate: Nay. We do not grant thee our approval to construct a massive golden statue in our image. Thy gold and time should be put towards more useful endeavors. Less thee forget, we art at war with the griffons,” said Celestia.

“But what greater cause is there than to revere thee, your highness? To capture thy perfect figure to be praised till the end of time?” asked the leader.

Celestia facehooved. These Solar Witnesses had made her facehoof on a near daily basis for decades now, and she was sick of it. But at that moment, a desperate idea entered her mind. Maybe if she indulged them a bit, they’d calm down.

“If thou insist on throwing thy funds away, we shall take them as a boon for the war,” said Celestia.

The Solar Witnesses looked like they were on the verge of fainting from sheer joy. Celestia was already regretting this decision.

Celestia sighed as she and Luna trotted back to their home in shame. They had failed. Failed to save the Crystal Empire from Sombra’s tyranny. And now the poor crystal ponies were gone, trapped in a vile spell of suspension that would not break for over a millennium.

Still, there was one silver lining. Surely, this failure would convince the Solar Witnesses to stop calling her a goddess. They would have to acknowledge her limits; that she was flawed. And they would finally stop…

“Praise to the Lady of the Sun! She hath banished the vile kingdom of golems to oblivion!” cried the crowd of Solar Witnesses that waited for them at the gate.

Celestia facehooved yet again, completely missing the glare Luna was sending at her.

Wonderful… Now a large part of Equestria is going to be convinced that the crystal ponies were our enemies. Am I going to have to bury all records of the Crystal Empire just to ensure the Solar Witnesses don’t form an angry mob when it returns? thought Celestia.

Celestia miserably rubbed her face in a desperate attempt to ease the pain. Another court had been interrupted by a certain group of worshipers, no doubt planning something that would make her wish she’d never put on her crown.

“What, pray tell, art thou fools doing this time?” she asked.

The crowd of Solar Witnesses before her weren’t wearing their “traditional” robes. Instead, they were all wearing what could only be described as suggestive sheets of cloth. Also, this crowd consisted entirely of stallions.

“Your highness, we have come to realize that despite thy many years of happy reign, thou hath never felt the joy of a lover to call thy own,” said the lead pony.

Celestia sighed.

“Yes, and it is by our own choice. Our long life would ensure that, should any steal our heart, it shall inevitably be broken as their waking days come to their fated end,” she explained.

“Indeed, it is a tragedy that one as perfect as thee should be denied such delight. While we understand we mere mortals cannot provide such to thee, we believe we may offer thee the next best thing,” said the leader.

“And that would be?” asked Celestia with dread.

“We, the ponies thou see gathered before thee, have agreed to commit thine lives to thy pleasure as members of thy royal harem,” declared the leader with a proud smile on his face.

Celestia’s brain broke. Next to her, Luna’s brain broke as well, for completely different reasons. It took almost two minutes for Celestia to speak again.

“Get out,” she said, her voice low and cold.

The Solar Witnesses looked at each other in confusion.

“But great Lady of the Sun…” started the leader.

“GET! OUT!” Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs, Royal Canterlot Voice in full effect.

The terrified ponies quickly dashed out the door. Celestia simply put her hooves into her face and groaned.

The nerve of those ponies! A harem?! How could they believe I would ever desire such a twisted, selfish, tantalizing… Oh no, now I can’t get the image out of my head! And I’m going to have to deal with rumors of having such a harem for generations now! For buck’s sake, how could this get any worse? thought Celestia.

Celestia wept as she lay under the moon, which now held the image of her sister.

How could she have been so blind to the despair in her sister’s heart? How could she have been so arrogant as to ignore her sister’s pleas? How could she have forgotten to make time for just the two of them?

And now, she was alone. And she would remain alone for centuries to come. At last, her tears began to slow. Not because she was finished, but because she no longer had the strength for it. She didn’t even raise her head as her citizens ran towards her to comfort their mourning ruler in her time of...

“Hail to the Lady of the Sun! She hath banished the evil Mistress of Darkness from the realm!” cried the crowd of Solar Witnesses.

…

The night the mysterious mare appeared on the moon, a great cry of fury echoed across the world. Every nation and people would go on to spin their own legends about this cry. Some would say it was the anger of the pony in the moon, raging against its imprisonment. Others claimed it was the sound of a demon who had come dangerously close to escaping the world’s sinister depths.

But one thing was consistent: no one wanted to be whoever that anger was directed at.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

The group known as the Solar Witnesses is hereby under arrest for treason against the crown. All members of this movement are to be reported to the royal guard so that they may be captured to stand trial. Any further group activity will also be grounds for arrest.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

The order known as The Sun’s Followers is hereby under arrest for treason. They are simply the Solar Witnesses, who have decided to change their title to avoid justice. Report any activity by this group immediately.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

The cult known as The Light’s Servants are another name for the Solar Witnesses. My previous decrees are still in effect.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

I am not a goddess. I do not wish to be hailed as a goddess. Stop doing it.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

Worshiping me is now illegal. Anyone caught doing so will be arrested.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

Any underground cults devoted to worshiping me are to be reported immediately.

By royal decree of her highness, Princess Celestia:

For the love of my mother: STOP WORSHIPING ME! I. AM. NOT. A. GODDESS!

Many years later…

It was well known that Princess Celestia drank tea three times a day: a soothing cup in the evening to ease the pain of moving both the sun and moon, a peppy cup during her lunch break to simply enjoy, and a bitter cup in the late afternoon to help her swallow the daily cult report on what the Solar Witnesses, or whatever they were calling themselves this generation, had done in the past twenty-four hours.

A thousand years of trying to arrest them, or at least get them to tone down their excessive reverence of her, had done nothing to dissuade them. In fact, they’d only gotten worse over the centuries.

“First on the list: around three in the morning, the cult started an unauthorized firework show in front of the castle gates. While no buildings were set on fire this time, two ponies had to be treated for severe burns,” read Raven.

Without a word, Celestia quickly filled out a Cult Compensation Form and sealed it with a stamp. She always made sure she had plenty of the easy-to-fill-out sheets of paper. Goodness knew how much of the royal budget was spent on them.

“Next, at sunrise the cult threw another ‘sun glory’ party, which ended up destroying another bar in the southern district,” read Raven.

Another CCF was filled out and stamped. Celestia took a sip from her tea. The bitter taste didn’t take away the pain, but it made it a little easier to bear.

“Around eleven in the morning, there was a cult pony caught harassing passing ponies and attempting to convert them to her faith using mind control magic. She was quickly arrested, her spells were broken, and fortunately nopony was hurt,” read Raven.

Celestia was relieved to hear that, but she also knew what was coming.

“There was also another cult member caught doing the same thing at around three-thirty. He was arrested, but the pony he was trying to brainwash had to be admitted to the hospital. It will likely take a few weeks before she’ll be able to say anything other than ‘Celestia,’” read Raven.

There it was. Wouldn’t be a cult report without at least one pony getting mindbucked by overzealous recruiters. Another CCF was filled out and stamped.

“And about an hour ago, a guard reported somepony pouring something into the city water supply. A quick check confirmed that the cult has attempted to slip the ‘praise the sun’ hallucination potion to the entire city’s population again,” said Raven.

Without a word, Celestia reached down and pulled the “flush the Canterlot water system” lever. It had cost a fortune and a half to build the system, and a smaller fortune to refill the reserve water tanks every time she used it, but it had paid itself back in less than two years after construction in avoided compensation expenses and headaches. And that was almost fifty years ago.

“And… I believe that’s it,” finished Raven as she put the scroll away.

Celestia let out a sigh.

“No, it’s not. This evening I have another ‘potential husband’ to turn away,” she grumbled.

After three diplomatic meetings were ruined by rumors of her so-called harem, Celestia had been forced to counter the cult’s insanity with a bit of her own insanity. The results finally ended the attempts to give her a harem, but it also made several families devote their very existence to proving her with “the perfect husband worthy of her.”

Needless to say, Celestia kept saying no, but all that seemed to do was make the cult members more determined that the next generation of their family would finally be “the perfect husband worthy of her.” Celestia still wasn’t entirely sure if this new madness was better than the old one.

Celestia passed Raven all the filled out CCF’s and forced down the last of her vile tea.

And on top of all this, I’m running out of time. Luna will be breaking free from the moon in a matter of years now. If I don’t find somepony to bear the Element of Magic soon, I might not get the chance to prepare him or her for what’s…

BOOM!

Celestia jumped and then glanced out the window. Was that a full grown dragon poking out of the roof of her school?

Celestia smiled. It was a genuine smile. Not just from delight at the small filly’s achievement, but because she had finally found the one. The one with the mark seen on the Tree of Harmony. The one who would grow up to not only save her sister, but all of Equestria. Celestia felt joy as she had been unable to for centuries.

But then she noticed who the filly’s parents were. She recognized them instantly: Night Light and Twilight Velvet. The current leaders of the Solar Witnesses, who were already bowing and listing off her many made up titles.

Celestia’s smile became forced.

Author's Note

Another year, another April Fool's day story. But this year, I've got something special: an April Fool's day story with actual effort put into it! This puppy's been on the backburner for years, and now it's finally ready! Enjoy.

Chapter 2: The Other Royal Cult

Nightmare Moon landed with unequal grace and power. She then lifted her head to the sky and began laughing. Free! After a thousand years, she was finally free! At last, vengeance would be hers, and the land would finally give her the adoration she so rightfully deserved!

“Hail to the Mistress of the Night! Hail to the Ruler of the Stars! Hail to the Lady of the Moon!”

Nightmare Moon blinked, then looked back down in shock. There was a sizable crowd of ponies around her landing site. All of them wore dark robes bearing her cutie mark, and were bowing to her. Nightmare Moon couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Who… who are you?” she asked.

The crowd stopped their chanting to look up at her. One pony stepped forward.

“Oh great Lady of Shadow, we are the Dark Legion. We are but your humble servants. Since your banishment a millennium ago, we have existed in secret, long awaiting your prophesied return. And now that the glorious night is upon us, we come forward to offer our eternal devotion to you, oh great Mistress of the Night!” she exclaimed.

This was almost enough to break the Nightmare’s hold on Luna right then and there. Almost. Her burning resentment against her sister was just barely enough to keep the darkness bound to her. Nightmare Moon laughed once more in sheer delight.

“Excellent! Your loyalty shall be rewarded once the crown is rightfully mine!” she declared.

The gathered ponies let out cries of near unfathomable joy.

“Hail to the Champion of the Tides! Hail to the Mistress of Nightmares! Hail to the rightful ruler of Equestria!” chanted the crowd.

Nightmare Moon grinned. Yes… this was exactly what she sought.

“Come then, my loyal subjects. We march to defeat my sister!” she declared.

“Yes! We shall hunt down the false Princess and destroy her, along with all who dare to obey her!” cried the head pony.

Wait… what?

Nightmare Moon watched in disbelief as the gathered ponies all drew weapons out of their robes.

“We shall punish the guilty! None shall be spared the night’s wrath!” cried the head pony.

The rest of the crowd cheered and started chanting.

“Punish! Punish! Punish!” they cried.

Nightmare Moon shook her head to clear it.

“What madness do you speak of? Do you intend to slaughter the populace?” she asked in disbelief.

“But of course! All who fail to recognize your eternal glory can not be allowed to live!” replied the leader.

Nightmare Moon’s jaw dropped.

“But… but I wish for ponies to adore me! How can they do so if they are dead?” asked Nightmare Moon.

That gave the gathered ponies pause.

“While I am grateful for your devotion, I do not want you to go and slaughter my future worshipers,” said Nightmare Moon.

“But Lady of the Night, justice demands…” started the leader.

“I am justice! I shall decide who deserves forgiveness and who doesn’t. You need only follow behind me, and carry out my will. And my will is that there shall be no bloodshed,” declared Nightmare Moon.

The gathered crowd seemed somewhat disappointed, but they obediently put their weapons away.

Nightmare Moon sighed in relief. Clearly, these ponies were devoted, but rather overzealous. They could prove useful to her, but she was going to have to be careful to utilize them properly.

“Thank you. Now, where is my sister?” she asked.

Nightmare Moon sighed as the crowd of ponies followed her towards the town her sister was hiding in. Their unending praise was enjoyable, but after twenty minutes she was starting to get tired of them repeating her many titles over and over again. And some of them she was fairly certain were made up.

“Hail to the Mistress of Spiders! Hail to the Inventor of Moon Pies! Hail to the Eternal Witness of Affection!” cried the crowd.

Nightmare Moon stopped walking and turned back towards her followers.

“Eternal Witness of Affection?” she asked.

“Yes. For who else watches us as we perform our nightly rituals of passion and love?” replied the lead pony.

Nightmare Moon quickly realized what the pony was referring to. Her mind nearly snapped as her face turned red.

“N-no! I do not! I would never intrude upon such personal affairs!” she declared.

“You need not fear, oh great Leader of the Stars. We have embraced your ways of pleasure, and have even prepared a few of our numbers for your harem!” declared the leader.

“My what?!” cried Nightmare Moon.

“Your harem. See?” said the leader as she pointed to a group of stallions wearing highly revealing clothing.

Nightmare Moon gasped at the sight, blushed furiously, and then facehooved.

“Can you please not? Even in my time, such things were greatly frowned upon, and I do not wish to be recognized as a deviant,” said Nightmare Moon.

“Of course not! That’s why we were going to wait until after you rightfully rule the world so you can finally make it acceptable to have one!” said the leader with a smile.

Nightmare Moon was tempted by the idea, but only for a moment. Luna’s traditional stance was too deeply integrated for her to really consider it. She also had a flashback to when ponies offered the same thing to Celestia so long ago. She suddenly couldn’t understand what in Equestra she had been jealous of. Were ponies truly this obsessive?

Nightmare Moon sneered down at Celestia’s beaten form. Did she really think hiding in some measly peasant town would protect her? And her dear sister had been unable to lift a hoof to fight her. Clearly the last thousand years alone had withered her resolve.

“At last, my vengeance shall be complete,” Nightmare Moon declared.

She noticed that Celestia had an open bottle of wine on the nearby table. Feeling quite pleased with herself, and more than a little smug, Nightmare Moon poured herself a glass.

“Luna,” gasped Celestia from the floor.

“Oh? Begging for mercy are we?” asked Nightmare Moon with a smirk.

“Don’t drink the wine. It’s poisoned,” said Celesia.

Nightmare Moon paused.

“Come again?” she asked.

“One of my guards noticed somepony slipping something into the bottle. I don’t know what’s in it, but I suspect it was intended for me,” finished Celestia.

Luna looked down at her glass of wine in disgust. Her followers had tried to poison her sister? To deny her the vengeance she so craved?! Clearly, they would have to be banished to the dungeons so that they would learn how to properly serve their ruler.

“Look, Luna, whatever you plan to do to me, could you please get it over with? The cult hasn’t tried to poison me in almost two hundred years. If they tried it again, it means either there’s some newly formed cult branch, or another internal coup happened. Regardless of which, I’d rather not have to deal with it until this whole matter is resolved,” said Celestia.

Nightmare Moon started at her sister, who was apparently not as badly injured as she appeared to be if she was capable of giving such a long-winded speech.

“Your worshippers… tried to poison you in the past?” asked Nightmare Moon in disbelief.

“Yes. Something about proving my divine nature to the masses or some nonsense like that. Honestly, I’m kind of hoping that you defeating me here tonight will help get them to calm down,” said Celestia with a shake of her head.

Forget the dungeons. If my worshippers are anything like hers, then those… fanatics are being sent straight to an asylum as soon as my reign is secured, thought Nightmare Moon.

Nightmare Moon looked down at the small band of ponies who dared to venture towards her old home: a tailor, a baker, a farmer, a weather mare, a veterinarian, and a scholar. This was the best force her sister could prepare to stop her? Only one of them posed even a remote threat, and what could a single scholar do to challenge her?

In fact, Nightmare Moon suspected she didn’t even need to do anything. She’d just leave them to her followers so she could focus on…

“Oh Lady of Spiders, may I be consumed with anguish that you may know of my love for you!” cried a pony behind her.

Nightmare Moon turned to see the pony pour a bucket of spiders over himself. Judging from the screams of agony he then let out despite the harmless species covering his body, he seemed to suffer from arachnophobia.

On second thought, I’d best take care of this myself. They’d probably just end up hurting themselves, or worse, lead these ponies right to the Elements… thought Nightmare Moon as she turned herself into stardust.

Nightmare Moon cursed as she watched the ponies enter her old castle. She’d underestimated those peasants. It was apparent that they would not be deterred by simple tricks or minor dangers. Though in hindsight, some of her methods of stopping them could have been a little better thought out.

Clearly, she was rusty from her time spent on the moon, and rather stressed from dealing with the sheer insanity of her followers.

But no more. It was time to stop hiding behind illusions and beasts. She would…

Nightmare Moon paused and turned around. She could feel something very wrong from where her followers were. Fearing that she let herself be distracted away from Celestia's main force, she quickly rushed back to them. An army of enemy soldiers would have been preferable to what she found.

“Oh great Mistress of the Night, accept this humble token of our devotion to you!” cried the head pony.

Nightmare Moon gasped in horror. The ropes, the shrine, the arcane circle, and the pony tied down: it could only mean some sort of sacrificial ritual! One of them had even lifted a blade over the sacrifice!

“STOP!” she cried.

The gathered ponies turned towards her in surprise.

“Is the sacrifice not to your liking, Mistress of the Stars?” asked the lead pony.

“Not to my liking?! Why the buck would I want ponies to be sacrificed to me?! Cease this barbaric action and release that poor soul immediately!” commanded Nightmare Moon.

The ponies gingerly undid the ropes. The pony sacrifice seemed disappointed, to Nightmare Moon’s disgust and disbelief.

“I realize I’ve been trapped on the moon for a very long time, but how in Equestria could you have possibly reached the conclusion that I would ever demand pony sacrifices?!” demanded Nightmare Moon.

“Oh, it was one of the first things we realized when we started to worship you. The whole ‘gobbles candy’ story was clearly a metaphor for you devouring the souls of ponies. And there are plenty among our ranks who are more than willing to offer ourselves as...” said the head pony.

Nightmare Moon leaned her head back and let loose a cry of agony.

“You know what? Buck you! Buck you all! You’re clearly nothing but a bunch of madponies using my name and titles to justify your horrid actions! Your so called praise is hollow and meaningless!” she cried.

The cult ponies looked horrified at this.

“No! No, that’s not it at all, oh Lady…” started the leader.

“Hold your tongue, worthless scum! For this crime you will…” said Nightmare Moon.

She stopped as she remembered that six ponies were currently entering her old home, and could possibly discover the one weapon that could threaten her.

“... well, I have a more pressing matter that I must address. But once I am finished, you will all pay for this transgression!” declared Nightmare Moon before she flew off.

It was all Luna could do to take one step forward after the other, following after her sister as she was led toward her new chambers. She couldn’t believe that this wasn’t a dream, but every trick she knew to wake up wasn’t working.

She had been freed from the nightmare. She had been welcomed back into Equestria. Her sister had promised to let her reclaim her crown without a fuss. She could already feel the moon’s gentle touch as it once again willfully opened itself up to her.

This was undoubtedly the most profound day of her life. Nothing could possibly ruin it.

“Excuse me, your highness? I mean, your highnesses?” said a soldier as he ran up to them.

“Yes?” asked Celestia.

“There appears to be a bit of riot happening in front of the castle gates,” said the soldier.

Celestia and Luna quickly dashed to a nearby balcony. Once they saw the crowd, Celestia facehooved while Luna’s jaw dropped.

“Hail to Lady of the Sun!”

“No! Hail to the Lady of the Moon!”

“Treacherous Swine!”

“Small-minded Shrew!”

A large crowd of ponies wearing white robes were arguing with an equally large crowd of ponies wearing black robes. More than a few fights had broken out, and it looked like the situation was rapidly escalating further.

“A cult forms to worship Luna less than twenty four hours after her return. I can not decide if I should be intimidated or just disgusted,” said Celestia.

“Actually, they claimed to have been around for almost as long as your cult, Princess Celestia. Apparently, they’ve come to Canterlot to ‘prove that their praise is not hollow.’ Unfortunately, they chose to approach the castle at the exact same time a crowd of Solar Witnesses were about to throw another unauthorized celebration,” explained the guard.

Celestia let out a sigh.

“Is it too much to hope that they’ll just fight each other, and eventually start holding the other back so that there’s ultimately less destruction?” she asked.

BOOM!

“Behold, our love for the rightful ruler far surpasses your own!”

BOOM!

“Fools! Our love is still greater!”

Celestia let out a resigned sigh.

“And now they’re blowing up buildings in the name of praising us. I don’t know why I bothered to hope otherwise,” said Celestia with a shake of her head.

“We’ll send our forces down to contain them right away, your highnesses,” said the guard as he quickly departed.

Luna, meanwhile, finally managed to regain her senses, and she felt like crying. This was what she had been jealous of her sister for?

“Wha… but… why… but…” she stuttered.

Celestia put a comforting wing over her sister.

“I’m afraid that the last thousand years have done little to dissuade such behavior among our ponies,” she said sadly.

“But… but they cause untold destruction upon our city! Surely there must be some way to contain them!” cried Luna.

Celestia leaned down and looked Luna straight in her eyes. Luna saw in her sister’s gaze a depth of hopelessness far greater than she thought possible for a pony to bear.

“If you can find such a way, dear sister, please tell me at once so that I can utilize it myself,” said Celestia.

Once again, Luna felt the cold touch of despair. At least this time she had company with her misery...

Author's Note

Nothing to comment on for this one.

Chapter 3: The New Royal Cult

“Congratulations, Princess,” said Celestia with a gentle smile.

The newly crowned Princess Cadance looked bashfully up at her new “Auntie.” It was so surreal, being in the presence of Princess Celestia herself. And yet, here she was, standing before the ruler of Equestria. As her equal, no less.

Well, equal in title, at least.

“Now, as we both know, you’re still too young to take on any government responsibilities. You are still a highschool student after all, and I most certainly wouldn’t want to distract you from your studies. In fact, the only immediate matter you need to concern yourself with is the magic tutor I’m appointing to you. I’m afraid we cannot delay teaching you how to use that new horn of yours,” said Celestia.

Cadance nodded. She already knew this, of course. She’d seen far too many magical surges in young fillies and colts to treat magic with anything other than the utmost respect. It was honestly somewhat terrifying that she now had such power attached to her forehead, likely even more than she realized. Lessons on the subject were more than welcome.

“We’ll work out what role you will play in our nation’s future once you are older. In the meantime, I strongly encourage you to seek out responsibilities suitable for a pony your age. You have earned that crown that now rests on your head, but there is far more to being a Princess than smiling and waving. I’d recommend babysitting, or perhaps tutoring,” said Celestia.

“Oh, that won’t be an issue. I’m already babysitting this cute little filly named Twilight Sparkle. I can’t help but imagine what she’ll say when she learns her babysitter is a Princess now,” said Cadance with a giggle.

“Yet another sign that you truly are fit for the title. However, there is one unfortunate matter I must warn you about that will come with your ascension,” said Celestia.

Cadance stood to attention.

“There will inevitably be ponies who will come to delude themselves into believing that you are a goddess. It will likely be a week or so before they approach you, but they will most certainly come. And when they do, they will no doubt cause you all sorts of misery,” said Celestia.

Cadance raised an eyebrow in confusion, but then realized what Celestia was referring to. A sudden sense of dread ran through her body.

“Wait, are you talking about the Solar Witnesses?” asked Cadance.

“Yes. I hope I do not need to elaborate on why I am… less than delighted at the group’s activities,” said Celestia.

Cadance winced, but nodded. She’d ended up on the wrong end of those fanatic's activities before. She still had nightmares about the time she’d been forced to…

No! No, she was not letting her thoughts wander to that incident again. The one during last Hearth’s Warming. Why did such a cute filly (and even cuter colt) have to have such crazy parents?

“So, as it stands we are in a unique situation. We know that this new cult is surely forming, and it is still in its infancy. While preventing these fanatics from grouping together may be impossible, I was hoping we could try and come up with a way to ensure that they do not devolve into another mob of overzealous worshipers,” said Celestia.

Cadance nodded.

“Yes, I think that’d be a good plan. I don’t suppose you have any ideas we could try?” she asked.

“Sadly, no. I never put together a plan for this as I never expected there to be another ascension until after… certain events in the future, but I do have some pitfalls I can warn you about. First, and most importantly, never tell them what your favorite food is,” said Celesia.

“Um… OK? I mean, I can easily imagine why that’d be a bad idea, but why is that the most important pitfall?” asked Cadance.

“Because when the Solar Witnesses first learned about my love of cake, the resulting chaos forced me to ban it for four generations. Those were the hardest years of my rule, and I wouldn’t wish such misery on anypony,” said Celestia with a shiver.

Cadance, while familiar with the monarch’s love of cake, couldn’t help but feel that maybe Celestia’s priorities were a little skewed. But then again, this was the Solar Witnesses they were talking about. Sanity wasn’t exactly the most relevant factor when dealing with them.

“Second, never publicly declare your favorite song. You will, inevitably, end up hating it as a result. Third, never, and I mean never, accept an invitation to any cult-sponsored event. Even if it’s opening an orphanage or something equally admirable, you must not attend. If you do, not only will said orphanage end up destroyed, but the cult will gain new members and become hyper active for a decade. I really wish I’d figured that one out before I did it for the sixth time. The city of Ploughsburgh might still be standing. Fourth…” continued Celestia.

Yep. Sanity is definitely not going to help here, though Cadance as that terrible sense of dread continued to weld up within her.

Once she’d gotten out some paper and started jotting down ideas, Cadance had started to feel a spark of hope. Surely, somewhere in this list of possibilities there had to be a solution. And indeed, many of her ideas seemed very reasonable.

Until it occurred to her that just because a plan was logical didn’t mean it would work on these fanatics. And when she tried to get in the mindset of ponies who’d convinced themselves that she was a goddess, she realized just how bucked she was.

Vow to imprison anypony who harms another in my name? I’d have to make sure to hammer it home that this is to be a punishment, not some “divine test” or “purification” ceremony. And then…. No. No, that wouldn’t work. They’d just claim it’s some kind of divine plan of mine and start forcing others to break the law so that I’ll have an excuse to “enlighten” them, thought Cadance.

She crumpled up the paper and tossed it in the trash. Or at least, she tried to. At this point, the trashcan was so overflowing that the paper not only bounced out, but it failed to reach the floor afterwards.

Declare my domain, whatever that ends up being, off limits to common ponies? Celestia did mention that it’ll likely be something tied to emotion, considering what I did to ascend and… no. This is possibly the worst idea of the lot. What if my domain winds up being something like love? The cult would probably just focus on snuffing it out entirely in my name, despite it being the very thing I rule over, thought Cadance.

Another crumbled paper, another tossed idea. Cadance let out a groan and slammed her head on her desk. She’d been at this for days now, and seemed to have gotten absolutely nowhere.

This is ridiculous! How the buck do you reach ponies so blindly devoted like this? The more reasonable and practical a plan I create, the easier it is for me to see how it could be twisted into overzealous destruction! And that’s when I’m taking Celestia’s warnings into account! Even that rule about oranges! I can’t even imagine how… Cadence thought before a terrifying image popped into her head.

Oh. Now I can. And I dearly wish I couldn’t. Ugh… I am way too young to be dealing with this, thought Cadance.

…

Wait a minute… I am young. I think I might be able to use that…

Cadance gulped as she looked at the gathered ponies. When a very poorly-disguised letter had arrived in her mailbox, inviting her to a “great revelation,” she figured she was ready. She’d thought she had a plan. But it was clear she’d underestimated just how many ponies would start worshiping her, and how quickly they’d be able to organize themselves.

Even if she hadn’t already experienced a few run-ins with the Solar Witnesses, she’d recognize these ponies as praise-obsessed zealots. The overly-orient cloaks, the near constant prayers under their breaths, the massive signs saying “hail to our new goddess;” it all stank of blind obsession. True, the bright pink cloaks made it a little challenging to take them seriously, but it was apparent that, if left to their own devices, there would soon be another cult running around causing trouble.

Cadance prayed to Faust above that this plan worked. She took a deep breath, braced herself, and stepped out onto the platform.

If she had been hoping they’d quiet down when she made her appearance, she’d have been disappointed. (Un)fortunately, she had not been hoping for that, so things proceeded exactly as she anticipated.

“Hail to our Lady of Pink! Hail to the new Mistress of Equestria! Hail to our Virgin Princess!” They cried.

Cadence held back a sigh, but it was a close call. Virgin Princess? Really? Sure, they weren’t suggesting a teenager was a goddess of “affection,” offering to form a harem for her, or something equally disturbing, but still. They didn’t even know if she had a coltfriend or not. Why in Equestria would they…

Oh, right. Tip thirty-four: the cult will, in some manner, attempt to associate you with a certain subject. Cadence had really been hoping Celestia had been joking about that one.

“Ahem. May I have your attention please?” asked Cadance.

The crowd continued to sing her praise, bow, and mostly just ignore the pony they were supposedly giving reverence to. Cadance was neither impressed nor amused.

“Excuse me?” asked Cadance.

“Blessed be our new goddess!” cried the crowd.

Welp, this is off to a great start. How long do I have before they start blowing stuff up? thought Cadance.

BOOM!

The room grew silent as everypony turned to look at the noise. Luckily, it wasn’t an actual explosion. Rather, a stallion in the back had just opened an unusually loud party popper. Even Cadance found herself staring at the interruption.

Is this a sign of a sane individual in the room? She pondered.

“The goddess speaks! Listen up, you fools!” cried the stallion.

Right. Knew it was too good to be true. Still, at least I can start now, thought Cadance.

“Er… thank you, sir. Now, while I’m certain many of you are quite eager to give me a fair amount of praise and honor, there is something I want you all to be aware of before you start putting together any… festives, shall we say,” declared Cadance.

“Is it true then? You plan to lead us to victory against the old goddess and usher in a new golden age?” called a voice from the crowd.

An uncomfortably large section of the crowd cheered at the idea.

“Er… I’m not sure what grievance you might have with my ‘Aunt’ to inspire such ideas, but that’s not what I want to discuss,” admitted Cadance.

Judging from the looks of anticipation, the crowd had added an unspoken “yet” to the end of her sentence. This would not be the last she’d hear of the idea. Still, this led right into her plan. Time to give it a shot and hope for the best.

“Now, I’m not going to try and claim that I’m just a normal filly (mostly because I know you’d ignore me), but I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not fully a goddess yet,” declared Cadance, taking care to emphasize the last word.

This sent a ripple of confusion through the crowd, but Cadance held up a hoof and continued speaking.

“Celestia explained to me that the ascension process is far longer than the moment this horn appeared on my head. I have a lot of growing to do, and my power is far from fully realized. You may call me a goddess in the future (because you will no matter what I say), but for now, I am merely a pony with great power that is slowly growing greater. I am not a goddess. Not yet,” explained Cadance.

It was all nonsense, of course. She was a full blown alicorn, teenager or not. And it went without saying that she would never become a goddess. The trick here was convincing her worshipers that she wasn’t quite divine yet. That way, while they would still be singing her praise, they’d have to calm down and wait until she declared herself fully grown before they’d outright worship her. And if she could convince them that it took generations to fully ascend, then she might just be able to keep them in control indefinitely.

Or so Cadance hoped. She knew it was a long shot. But as Cadance watched, the crowd seemed to lose a fair bit of energy. The banners were taken down, the robes were put away, and it appeared as if the ponies in front of her were finally calming down. Cadance let out a sigh of relief. The plan seemed to be working. Even these fanatics couldn’t think of a way to spin this into destructive worshiping.

Day 1:

An unauthorized celebration reduces a local pub to tinder. No sign of the Solar Witnesses, even though the destruction points toward their typical overzealous devotion.

Day 5:

Sudden widespread purchases and thefts of sleeping potions catches the market by surprise. Canterlot citizens with sleeping disorders unable to acquire their prescriptions.

Day 9:

Noise complaints led to the arrest of a small group of ponies who were chanting a made up ritual. They claim they were ‘accelerating the ascension.’

Day 15:

A wave of graffiti sweeps the city, mostly using pink paint. It is easily removed, but is replaced almost every day afterwards.

Day 21:

Cadance ran as fast as her hooves could carry her, charging through the castle in a desperate attempt to reach Princess Celestia before it was too late.

I can’t believe this! How could I have failed to see this coming?! This is bad, this is so bad… thought Cadance in a blind panic as she raced forward.

Finally, she reached the doors of Celestia’s office, and charged in. There was Celestia, drinking a cup of bitter tea, and looking rather fed up with the world.

“Ah, Cadance. Any luck with your cult? I was just informed that mine has started a campaign to expunge non-ponies from Canterlot because they are ‘unworthy of my presence.’ As if our relationships with other nations aren’t poor enough as is,” grumbled the solar Princess.

It must have been her newly acquired Earth Pony strength that enabled Cadance to speak without catching her breath first. That, or her utter desperation.

“They… they’ve poisoned the Canterlot water supply with some kind of sleeping potion! They’re trying to put all of Equestria into a coma until I ‘ascend!’ we have to warn the population, get outside sources of water and…” siad Cadance.

Celestia just held up a hoof, reached down, and pulled a large lever.

“There. Problem solved. And I must say, a sleeping potion is far less horrifying than a hallucination potion known to cause brain damage. And I’m rather surprised it took them almost a month before their first attempt to target Canterlot’s water supply. If memory serves, the Solar Witnesses poisoned the local wells within two weeks of assemblance,” commented Celestia.

Cadance could only stand and stare at her fellow Princess. She was relieved that the problem had been resolved but the sheer indifference before her was unnerving and filled her with a sense of doom.

“At this point, I think it safe to say that your efforts to curb your cult have not been entirely successful, but also not completely futile. Which is more than I can say about mine. I had hoped for better, but anticipated worse. A fair enough performance considering your inexperience, and how impossible these ponies are to deal with, Princess Cadance,” said Celestia as she sipped her tea.

“Is this my life now? Am I doomed to live in constant dread because a cult is going to keep doing horrible things to others in my name?” asked Cadance.

“I dunno. Sounds a lot like the lives of most ponies in Equestria. You’ve met my parents, Candace. You know how they get when it comes to ‘divine’ matters. The Solar Witnesses are a threat to everypony, not just Celestia,” countered Shining Armor.

Cadance just let out a sigh and let her head fall back on the couch.

“I mean, it could be worse. It’s been three months, and your cult has only blown up a single building. It looks like these ‘Pink Prasiers,’ or whatever they end up calling themselves, are mostly just praying to you in private. Far less destructive than the Solar Witnesses,” reassured Shining Armor.

“Four attempts to put all of Canterlot to sleep for centuries, twelve attempts to break into the Starswirl wing for a time spell, and no less than forty attempts at still-only-theoretical suspension magic. They’re causing more than enough problems to be worried about them. And that’s not counting that group that tried to freeze themselves,” countered Cadance.

“Still better than anything my parents came up with. I still get nightmares about that ‘sun blood’ idea they had a few years back,” said Shining Armor with a shiver.

“That reminds me. Why do your parents still hire me to babysit? I mean, I’m grateful that they do, but wouldn’t my mere existence be a threat to their beliefs?” asked Cadance.

“Eh, I think they’re going with a ‘keep an eye on you’ approach on account that you’re not a goddess yet. I think they might have sent a spy or two into your meeting. By the way, you might want to make absolutely sure that nopony ever thinks you’ve truly ascended, or they’ll probably try to poison you during dinner,” said Shining Armor.

“Considering their love of toxic hallucinogens, I think that’s likely to happen anyway,” said Cadance as she let out another sigh.

Yes, it appeared that this was indeed her life now.

Author's Note

Not particularly happy with this one. Wrote the Twilight chapter first and this one felt a bit like a rehash.

Chapter 4: The Last Royal Cult

Twilight took a deep breath as she looked at the gathering of alicorns before her. The air was tense, and there was a certain sense of urgency despite the coordination being a few days off. But the coordination was not why this meeting had been put together so hastily.

“Alright, thank you all for coming. We all know why we’re here,” said Twilight.

“Indeed. Your ascension, well deserved and praiseworth as it is, will inevitably result in the formation of another cult. Considering how the previous three have been operating, we really, really need to find a way to stop this one,” declared Celestia.

“I still can’t believe how often my cult attempts to slip ponies love poison these days. Ever since I became the Princess of Love, it’s been one horrible attempt at forced romance after another,” groaned Cadance.

“And mine own has sparked an outright civil war among the population, limited in scope though it may be. Not a single day passes without at least one cultist from both of our sides being hospitalized, cursed, brainwashed, or some combination thereof,” added Luna.

“And I need not go into the grievances mine has caused me over the past millennium. The last few years have seen the number of cults in this nation triple, and the destruction has nearly tripled in turn. I doubt Equestria will be able to survive a fourth. Something must be done,” said Celestia.

“And something is going to be done. I have a plan,” declared Twilight.

The other alicorns looked at her in surprise. Twilight looked back at them for a moment before rolling her eyes.

“You do remember that my parents are the current heads of the Solar Witnesses, right?” reminded Twilight.

There was a round of facehooves as the other Princess remembered that little detail.

“Or at least, they were. I’m not sure if they’ll opt to discard lifetimes of blind devotion because their daughter is now ‘divine.’ But the point is that I am well aware of how these ponies think, and I’ve been putting together a plan to deal with them long before I ascended. True, I wasn’t expecting to use them for my own cult, but it should still work just fine,” answered Twilight.

“You’ve been making plans to fight your parents for years? I’m impressed, Twilight. You’ve certainly come a long way from the blindly devoted filly I took on as my student,” noted Celestia.

“Yes, and I will be forever grateful to you for helping me break out of that mindset all those years ago,” declared Twilight.

“I’d like to think I helped with that too,” grumbled Cadance.

“You did, but you complaining about your cultists to Shining Armor was nowhere near as impactful as watching ‘the embodiment of happiness’ break down into tears when she heard my parents had… well, they did a lot of things that day. I honestly can’t remember if it was the glowing underwear or the bacon shrine that pushed you over the edge,” admitted Twilight.

“The bacon, for the record. Especially after they set it on fire. Who in their right mind would deliberately charcoal perfectly good bacon? Also, ‘embodiment of happiness?’ I’m starting to think I should drop my fake smile and let them see what I really think of them,” grumbled Celestia.

“I seem to recall you mentioning why you stopped doing that centuries ago. Something about salt, I believe. But I think we’ve run aside long enough. Tell us, Twilight. What exactly is your plan, and why are you so certain it will succeed where all of our efforts have failed?” asked Luna.

And so Twilight told them. While the others didn’t outright reject the idea, which said volumes unto itself, it was clear they had their doubts.

“That’s… risky. Very risky. If it doesn’t work, it could double the size of your cult,” said Celesia.

“Not to mention what it could cause the more sane residents of your hometown to think of you,” added Luna.

“And what about your friends? I doubt any of them would be in favor of it,” finished Cadance.

“I am perfectly aware of the risks, but the way I see it, we’re doomed anyway if we just let this cult form naturally, so we might as well give it a shot. And if there’s a single sane pony in Ponyville, I have yet to meet them despite living there for three years,” deadpanned Twilight.

“Pardon me, but your choice of words seems to imply…” started Celesita.

“Yes, it does. I think we can all agree I’m not exactly the pinnacle of mental health. As for my friends, they’re the ones who helped me come up with it. Pinkie and Rainbow see it as a big prank, Rarity’s treating it like performing in a play, Fluttershy’s just happy something is being done to stop the cult, and Applejack volunteered to help set up the props,” said Twilight.

“Really? The Element of Honesty is in support of this idea?” asked Luna in surprise.

“The Apple Family has a deep, bitter history with the Solar Witnesses. If I recall correctly, it was sparked by an incident involving apples being labeled as ‘heresy’ for a few years. I don’t believe the family has ever forgiven them for it,” commented Celestia.

“Why the buck would they… on second thought, I don’t want to know. The orange incident was bad enough. And I have to admit it sounds like a better plan than mine was. But there’s one thing that still bothers me. After the Hearth Warming pageant I know you’re a skilled actor, but this is going to be far more difficult. Are you sure you can play the overblown ham?” asked Cadance.

“Don’t worry. I’ve been taking lessons from an expert,” replied Twilight.

“I am the Great and Powerful Twilight!”

“No, you are not! You’re speaking too softly, your tone suggests you don’t believe a word you just said, and worst of all, you are merely copying Trixie! How can you convince the audience of anything if you merely put forth ideas stolen from others?”

“Isn’t that kind of the point?”

“And that mindset, dear ‘Princess,’ is why you will never be as Great and Powerful as Trixie. Now, again! And this time let Trixie hear your conviction!”

Twilight peeked through the curtain, and felt the butterflies in her stomach get even more proactive.

“That’s… a lot more ponies than I expected,” she mumbled to herself.

“Yeah, but I bet a lot of them are just here for the show. I doubt anypony who lives in Ponyville would ever regard you as a goddess. Between the parasprites, the want-it-need-it spell, the future Twilight incident…” recited Spike.

“I get it, Spike. I can even see a few familiar faces in the crowd with manure-eating grins. But even taking that into consideration, this is far more than I… oh. I think I just spotted why. My parents are in the audience, and they’ve swapped their traditional white robes for violet ones. I’m not sure if I should be relieved by this or horrified,” said Twilight.

“Both? I mean, it’s kind of creepy that your parents have decided to start worshiping their own daughter, but at least you don’t have to worry about being poisoned every time you go visit them?” suggested Spike.

“They’ll try to poison me anyway. You know what they’re like, Spike. But I think that’s enough complaining about my parents. We need to get started,” said Twilight.

“Alright. Break a leg, Twilight,” said Spike as he dashed onto the stage.

The crowd grew quiet in eager anticipation.

“And now, presenting her newly appointed Highness, Welder of the Element of Magic, Ruler of the Central Districts, Fastest Egghead on the Continent, four times savior of Equestria, Creator of All Modern Languages…” said Spike.

Most of the titles were, of course, completely made up. Twilight figured there was no way to stop such titles from emerging from the crowd, but they might as well be titles she approved of, were silly inside jokes among her friends, or were so ridiculous that no one outside the cult would ever believe them.

Except for the Ruler of the Central Districts. That one was real, though her domain consisted of pretty much just Ponyville. That bit of legislation had been necessary for her to continue living there.

“...Rightful Ruler of both Sun and Moon, and Mistress of the Written Word: Princess Twilight Sparkle,” declared Spike.

Taking a deep breath, Twilight braced herself. She had one shot at this. The fate of Equestria depended on her once again, but this time it would come down to her acting skills. She got into the proper mindset, changed her expression into a confident smirk, and stepped forward onto the stage.

Immediately, the crowd went wild. They start changing, yelling, and reciting the numerous titles they’d just heard. Twilight didn’t say anything for a minute or two, simply appearing to bask in the adoration of her followers. Finally, she spread her wings and began to speak.

“Greetings, oh faithful ones! I, the newly ascended goddess, thank you for diligence and praise! You, and you alone, recognize me as the rightful successor of the false goddesses who sit upon their thrones! And once my plans are put into motion, you shall be rewarded as I usher in a new era under my benevolent rule!” Twilight declared.

The crowd roared with approval. Twilight cast her gaze across the crowd, and found it very easy to spot the Ponyville residents that were merely watching the performance. It was amazing how many shapes a pony’s face can take when struggling not to laugh. Twilight fought to keep her annoyance from showing, and continued.

“However, there is much to be done before that day arrives. And while I am certain you all have many ingenious plans to aid me, there is but one matter I require your assistance. A duty so vital, that I must implore all present to focus their efforts toward this singular goal, and no other, until I declare it complete,” announced Twilight.

This time, the crowd seemed somewhat divided. Many ponies seem delighted to be given a mission by their goddess directly, but others seem rather concerned. Twilight had anticipated this, though.

“Make no mistake, there will come a time when I will require you all to go and spread the word of my divine nature to others. But before that can be attempted, there is a genuine threat to my rule that must be dealt with. For should my influence grow too great too soon, this threat will become active, and place you, my most devoted followers, in grave danger! You all stand here as true believers. Believe me now when I say this problem cannot wait!” declared Twilight.

“We shall do as you say, oh rightful ruler of the sun and moon! We, your humble servants, shall fight in your name to our last breath!” cried an unknown pony in the back.

Twilight was both greatly annoyed at the interruption and greatly delighted to see that the pony who had spoken had united the crowd in favor of listening to her. If nothing else went right, it could be said she had gotten further with these ponies than any other Princess.

“Your loyalty shall serve you well, for this threat shall test your faith. I speak of none other than the vile non-believers who have sworn loyalty to my rivals: the Solar Witnesses, the Dark Legion, and even the pitiful Pink Parade!” announced Twilight.

The room was instantly filled with boos and hisses, some more enthusiastic than others. It was obvious that Twilight’s parents were a bit hesitant to jeer their former colleagues. But, much to Twilight’s delight, it seemed a number of Ponyville residents had figured out what her plan was and were no longer laughing.

“Indeed. Their wretched efforts to spread their misguided faith are a thorn in my side that must be removed. Should I strike at the false goddesses before these traitors are eliminated, they will regard their fallen idols as martyrs, and they will never stop challenging my rule. They must be destroyed before I rise to dominance!” declared Twilight.

“You would have us strike down the non-believers?” asked a pony from the crowd.

“Pah. The fools are harder to eradicate than cockroaches. Eliminate one and three more will take their place. No, this calls for a proper poison. I have a plan to deal with the non-believers, but first we must diminish their numbers. Their efforts to assimilate the masses to their rakes must be stopped. Their acts of loyalty must be foiled. And above all else, their devotion must not be allowed to be expressed. I believe you all realize what I am asking,” said Twilight.

“Yes, our beloved goddess! We will go forth and sabotage their efforts! Their celebrations will be brought low! Their recruitment will be denied! The false goddesses will never hear of their follower’s loyalty!” cried a pony in the crowd.

There was a loud cheer as everypony, cultist and citizen alike, let out cries of joy. Twilight didn’t even bother hiding her smirk. So far, so good. It would be impossible to tell if the plan had actually worked until the reports of their antics rolled in, but this was exactly the reaction Twilight had been aiming for.

For the most part. She quickly spotted a hitch in the plan...

Twilight sipped her tea, giving the others a confident grin as she read the newspaper in front of her.

“... and while the parties responsible have not been identified, all can agree that the efforts of the mysterious renegades were of immense help in preventing the Solar Witnesses from destroying the facility,” she finished.

Luna’s jaw was down to the floor. Cadance was struggling to form words. And Celsetia, poor dear Celestia who had lost all hope centuries ago, was outright crying tears of joy. For the first time since she took the crown, a single day had passed where she didn’t have any incidents to address due to the cult.

“Now, I can’t say this is a perfect solution. My cult isn’t going to catch everything that the others do, but I feel this is a major step forward in the right direction,” said Twilight.

The room was silent for a moment as the others regained their senses.

“I… I don’t believe it. After all this time…” mumbled Celestia.

“This changes everything! If we all take similar measures, we might be able to get the cults to do nothing but sabotage each other! Even if other alicorns ascend, we’ll be ready for it!” exclaimed Cadance.

“Indeed! Young Twilight, we must have copies of your speech! It has been too long since I last performed on stage, this will be the perfect opportunity to return!” declared Luna.

Rather than sharing in their enthusiasm, Twilight let out a cough and blushed.

“Well… I’d recommend you don’t copy mine word for word. There was a small hiccup with the plan. I made sure the cult wouldn’t leak it to the public, but considering how many Ponyville residents were at the meeting, I’m going to be outed for it sooner or later,” admitted Twilight.

“And that would be?” asked Celestia.

“Outliers. There were far too many ponies who were skeptical about my claims that the other cults were the true threat. To keep them from forming a second cult, I had to take drastic measures. And by drastic measures, I mean I had to give into one of their more… extreme demands. And now...” explained Twilight.

“Excuse me, oh Mistress of the Written Word, but we are ready to begin,” said a violet clothed stallion who appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

The other Princesses looked at the stallion in surprise and dawning realization. The stallion wasn’t wearing a robe. He was wearing a very revealing outfit that they recognized instantly.

“Er… yes. I’ll be right there,” said Twilight as her face turned a deeper red.

The stallion nodded, gave a none-too-subtle glare at the other Princesses, and trotted off. Meanwhile, everypony else looked at Twilight in disbelief and disgust.

“Look, it was either the harem or letting them steal magic from other ponies to give it to me. Which would you choose?” said Twilight before she got up and followed after the stallion, her face burning red.

The room was silent for a moment, before Cadance let out a sigh of resignation.

“Well, it wasn’t like she was ever going to get some tail otherwise,” she declared.

Author's Note

And that's why I added the teen sex rating.

Chapter 5: The Royal Cult that Never Was

It was a beautiful morning in the Crystal Empire. Well, to be fair, with a magic crystal heart ensuring perfect weather every day this wasn’t anything special. But it was still nice.

Princess Cadance hummed a happy tune as she made her way to the nursery. It was hard to believe her little angle (or possibly eldritch horror if she were honest with herself) was already a year old. A year old and three days. Honestly, Cadance was going to blink, and her baby would be a grown mare ready to set off on her own. Possibly saving and/or destroying the world, all things considered.

But when she reached the nursery and opened the door, she didn’t see her daughter awake and already causing trouble. The cradle was empty and one of the windows was broken, showing clear signs of a break in.

Cadance just let out a sigh, turned around, and made her way back the way she’d come. She didn’t run. She didn’t panic. She just calmly trotted back to her bedroom to see her husband going through his morning routine.

“Shining…” started Cadance.

Shining Armor let out a sigh of his own, and turned to his wife with an expression of the utmost annoyance.

“Let me guess, they did it again?” asked Shining Armor.

“They did it again,” deadpanned Cadance.

Flurry Heart woke up to the sound of chanting, and was instantly annoyed. Even at her young age, she knew exactly what had happened. Mostly because this just kept happening again and again.

“The harbinger awakens! Praise be to the mistress of storms! The winter’s fury! The offspring of…” chanted the ponies.

Yep, and now the weird ponies were saying the weird words she didn’t know again. Autie Twilight did that too, but at least she actually explained the big words when she used them to Flurry Heart. Also, that was Autie Twilight. These ponies were strangers. Also, just plain strange.

“... for she shall be the end of the false prophets and their heretic followers! Her wrath shall tear down this wretched world and rebuild it in her image! Praise be! Praise be!” said the leader.

Flurry toned them out. They really weren’t worth listening to. It had been scary the first few times, but now it was just boring. And she was getting hungry. She always had to wait for breakfast when this happened. Was this going to take much longer?

“Now, let us begin the ritual to awaken her true power!” cried the leader.

Wait… were they talking about…

Oh, not that ugly thing again!

BOOM!

Cadance quickly lifted her binoculars and turned towards the noise.

“Got it. She’s in the Sapphire district,” she called.

“Sapphire…” noted Shining.

“The cultists flying into the sky are wearing turquoise robes,” called Cadance.

“Turquoise…” noted Shining.

“And… yep, there she is. She’s holding one of those stupid ‘enchanted’ diapers,” noted Cadance.

“Diaper… and the time is… 8:17,” noted Shining.

He stepped away from the chalkboard, looking at the results. The gathered guards watched in eager anticipation.

“OK… no one bet on turquoise… the closest time was 8:30… so it looks like the winner is… Private Sheer Cold,” announced Shining.

“Yes!” cheered Sheer Cold, giving a hoof pump.

There were a few grumbles from the others, but nopony objected as Shining Armor stepped forward and presented Sheer Cold with a scroll.

“Alright, private. As the winner, you have first claim to deliver the speech. Do you accept it?” asked Shining Armor.

“Yes sir. It would be my pleasure,” said Sheer Cold with a grin.

Five minutes later, the group reached the site of the explosion. The building the cultists had gathered in had been reduced to ash, and the cloaked ponies were skewed around in various degrees of agony. Unsurprisingly, most of them were crystal ponies.

Once the group was spotted, Flurry Heart quickly flew down to hug her mother, tossing the “magic” diaper to the side. As Cadance cooed and calmed the baby alicorn, the guards checked to make sure no one was too seriously injured, then dragged the lot of them together for the speech.

Private Sheer Cold pulled out the scroll and cleared his throat. The other guards got comfy to enjoy the show.

“Well, mares and gentlecolts, it would appear your little get together has had a bit of a set back. I’d offer my sympathies, but frankly, I think you morons got off lucky,” said Sheer Cold.

A few of the cultists that weren’t groaning in pain gave the guard looks of confusion.

“You see, trying to kidnap a member of the royal family is kind of a serious crime. But seeing as young Flurry Heart lashing out is technically a royal act of rebuttal, that’s considered sufficient punishment for that particular crime. So, you’ll be pleased to know your sentence is likely to be reduced,” said Sheer Cold.

“However, that was not your only crime. Breaking and entering, unlawful entry into the restricted section of the palace, and most of all, formation of a cult in the name of worshiping one of the alicorns. Which, all things considered, is a truly moronic crime to commit,” said Sheer Cold.

“You dare mock our devotion?!” cried one of the cultists.

Sheer Cold only grinned and continued reading. Once again, things were going exactly according to the script. No matter how many times this happened, the cultists always responded the same way.

“Need you be reminded, the Solar Witnesses forced Celestia to bury all records of the Crystal Empire. And then, once connections began to finally be rebuilt, the Dark Legion began a smear campaign degrading all Crystal ponies because quote: “they’re all too shiny to appreciate the night” end quote. And before the Violet Librarians started to reign them in, the Pink Parade had terrorized the Empire for almost an entire year. After all that, why in Celestia’s name would any of you ever consider forming a cult a reasonable course of action?” asked Sheer Cold.

A small number of cultists had the decency to appear embarrassed. Far too few for anyone’s taste, but really, it was a miracle that rational discussion had any effect on these guys.

“And even if we ignore that, and the dozen or so attempts at forming cults that have had the exact same thing happen to them over the past year, what exactly were you hoping to achieve? Flurry Heart is a baby. She barely understands any of the titles and praise you’re trying to shove onto her. She’s not going to grant you any favors for your blind worship, and definitely not going to like you after kidnapping her. So please, for your own health and sanity, would you stop worshiping the baby alicorn already?” asked Sheer Cold.

Sheer Cold put down the scroll, and glanced towards the diaper lying on the ground.

“And stop using those stupid diapers. Aside from the fact that Flurry Heart hates those things because of the hideous colors, they don’t even work. The con artists who sold you them are internationally infamous crooks. Which only makes you all look even dumber for buying them,” finished Sheer Cold.

“Alright, that’s the last of them locked up in the dungeons. I’d say I’m worried about running out of room down there, but I’m starting to suspect that a number of them just keep escaping and trying to form another cult,” said Shining Armor.

“Most likely. We never got the chance to properly search the lower parts of the palace before we found ourselves having to use them. There might be some sort of escape route,” admitted Cadance.

Flurry Heart just giggled as her mother gave her belly another poke. She was much happier now that the creepy ponies were gone. She hoped they didn’t come back again.

“I blame the Pink Parade. We really, really should have had a plan ready for them when we first made our way out here,” said Shining with a shake of his head.

“I agree. We must have been out of our minds thinking they wouldn’t follow us,” said Cadance with a sigh.

“Or so desperate for relief that we fooled ourselves into having hope. Well, for now I’ll send some extra guards down to keep an eye on them. And maybe see about building a proper prison. Tradition be darned, we need to get this under control,” said Shining.

“Seriously. What do they even expect Flurry to do? Lead a rebellion because they gave her a cookie or something?” asked Cadance.

“Please, Flurry has better standards than that. She’d need at least three cookies and a new plush toy,” joked Shining Armor.

“You’re not actually picturing our daughter leading an army of cultists while she’s still in diapers, are you?” deadpanned Cadance.

“Oh come on, it’s a funny image and you know it,” said Shining with a goofy grin.

“... Ok, maybe it is,” admitted Cadance.

The two of them chuckled a bit, then started laughing as the details began popping into their heads. Flurry Heart had no idea what they were laughing about, but happily joined in. She was a baby after all. And if her parents were happy, she was happy.

At least until she remembered she was still hungry.

Author's Note

And done. Thank you for reading.